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Mhyrion

Mhyrions journey

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Woa, ok. I tried to sleep but I just am way too distracted and restless. So I hope writing will quiet me some.

So I send out my cv this morning? I got called back. I guess writing the cheery e-mail succeeded. Never expected an answer this soon. I find all this very exciting, although I shouldn't get my hopes up too much, it's only the 'first contact' and that can mean nothing at all. I don't know what to do with all these feelings though. Woa! Pretty much the theme of the week, what to do with all the feelings?! It's fierce, but not the intentional kind I had in mind. Need to be more careful with what I wish for... It's nice to have happy feelings this time, even though they keep me from my sleep. Anyhow, all this (minus the wild rollercoaster of emotions) really gave a lot of confidence. Maybe I should look out for other job opportunities.

Being a bit more calm now I realize that underneath this layer of extreme excitement et al, I still feel rather sad and lost. It's gonna be some unpleasant ride, this storm. And I fear it because of all the possible outcomes and not knowing what outcome it will be in the end and knowing that some outcomes will be very hard to reconcile myself with.

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My consistency in workouts and food choices sucks. There's a number of reasons. I lost motivation to eat healthy because I keep losing weight regardless. I didn't plan for that. And I lack overview. On Friday I've long since forgotten what I ate Monday and whether that included a cheat of sorts. So I will track my cheats and look to set a limit in how many cheats and what kinda cheats are acceptable. My consistency in workouts sucks because I do not envision my goals, and those goals are rather vague as well. This is killing my motivation. I also completely drop the ball if there's unscheduled events. Last Saturday, for example, I planned to start my workout between 15:00 and 15:30. About 11:00 I knew that would need to be rescheduled. And I didn't follow up on that information.

On the bright side of things, there's an plan of attack forming for the storm. And since I realized names are super important to people, they stick to me like bees to honey. As soon as I am introduced to someone it's full brain attention to picking up that name. Also saying hi and bye seems to become more natural. I still have to push it sometimes, but I do not overthink it as much.

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@WorkInProgress Thanks for your reply. It always takes me a while to get into the right mind set to approach my emotions in a more constructive way rather than being chaotic and confused about it.

---

Before doing my workout today I envisioned my goal. Which is becoming a strong women with battle prowess. And how am I gonna be that without muscles and stamina? Worked hard. Still don't know how to make my vague goal more concrete. How to measure battle prowess?

I was stupid enough to look for houses again and damnit I can't get this one old beautiful mess out of my head. We cannot buy a house right now, why risk being seduced by one while browsing? I guess my need for a place of my own is rather strong.

I am also pondering a lot about jobs. I haven't heard back from last weeks offer, which bothers me more then it should. The project I work for now will be done in a few months and I really want to prevent sitting at home in between jobs. As I learned last summer I am terrible at that.

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Had a fine week at work. The course they promised me and my co-worker is definitely not gonna make it. I was expecting it, but having the final word gives a kind of peace. I am still in the race for the rather awesome job I applied for, so that stems me happy.

Went skiing yesterday with my brother in law G. and hubby. It was a lot of fun, even though we quit earlier then planned because both G. and I got hurt. We set out for schnitzel instead. To be honest, I don't really care about skiing that much. What stood out for me the most was nature. The view from the mountains, the snowy hills and tall trees. The unbotheredness and silence of nature in comparison with all those tiny humans trying to break their legs in their ridiculous brightly coloured and mismatching outfits. I would love to hike through a snowy landscape like this sometime.

Social:
Still going strong.

Food:
Tracked cheats. Yesterday just turned into one big cheat day, mainly because lack of preparation and our desire for schnitzel I suppose. I have had a total lack of hunger today, so I suppose it'll end up in a balance.

Gym:
I was pancaking it at the gym past Wednesday, ended up with a lot of bruises. I did however got complimented on my right kicks again, so I guess I have a favourite weapon now. The gym might go from one to two ladies lessons a week. If they do, that would make going to the gym twice a week much easier and more fun for me. Would be really perfect.

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I honestly laughed. Mismatching outfits... Great to see you're enjoying nature as well! I love nature. 

@Mhyrion is officially our weaponized quitter now. If someone relapses, we send her to kick you in the balls. You have been warned. @Cam Adair agrees with me on this. Expect it to be added to the rules soon. 

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18 hours ago, Hitaru said:

I honestly laughed. Mismatching outfits... Great to see you're enjoying nature as well! I love nature. 

@Mhyrion is officially our weaponized quitter now. If someone relapses, we send her to kick you in the balls. You have been warned. @Cam Adair agrees with me on this. Expect it to be added to the rules soon. 

Because solving things with violence is the way to go(?)!

---

Cheat Friday turned into cheat Saturday but I can still prevent a whole cheat weekend. What is this show of feeble willpower?! This does not suit me at all!

Meanwhile, I found another interesting job but writing isn't flowing this weekend. Will get it together today or tomorrow. But damn, it's nice to look for jobs without too much stress.

For some reason I feel rather at ease today with all of the 'what ifs' in my life. All these uncertainties normally make me go crazy, but today we chilling.

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Ugh. Ok. I feel like that comedy scene where the goofy guy keeps falling over and saying everything is fine a couple of times. So yea, I am doing absolutely fine and I don't need no help, no, I can stand up myself. For real, I have done nothing the past days but the bare essentials and eating too much. When the 'maybe I could play a game, why not?' hit me, I finally figured I am in hiding. But what for this time? Is it the impending doom real possibility of rejections from soliciting for jobs? Is it meeting up with the therapist again after months? Am I just weak at handling life? I am definitely rollercoasting, and I want to get off this ride badly.

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5 hours ago, Regular Robert said:

"A strong woman with battle prowess" sounds so awesome. So damn awesome.

Thank you for reminding me! YASSS.

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Third day in a row I woke up at 5 am and my brain is all rise and shine motherfucker! My normal alarm clock isn't even that early. Guess 8 hours sleep per night is not needed this week.

It's definitely the job hunting that makes me feel so rollercoastery. I have secured a job interview for next week though, and I swear it's the first job interview I am actually really excited for. I hope to translate this excitement into some positive energy during the actual interview, and not nervousness.

The house I really like seems more and more like a huuuuge time and money sink, but I am still in love. We'll go see it next week. I secretly hope I hate it once we're there, honestly, it would mean a gigantic commitment. Any house would, but this house just eat your money too. We're not even sure we can buy at this moment, it all depends on so many things. I gotta admit, I am quite passionately frustrated with the housing market. We earn too much for social rent houses (not gonna bother translating this accurately), too little for private rent houses and we cannot get a mortgage that's high enough to buy a house in a decent state even though that would lower our monthly housing costs by so much. On the other hand, we still have a solid roof above our head as long as this house is not sold, but it's just very unsatisfactory to be this dependent on things out of our control.

Hubby and I have been doing some odd jobs around the house lately and I really like working on getting things done together and having some initiative shown by the both of us. There's also been much talking and cuddling, it's good and makes us both happy.

Workout and food commitments are fucking haywire. I swear, I will do a fucking workout today and say no to pizza henceforward. It's just that working on our marriage and job-hunting are way more important right now. Priorities, right! Those should be my top goals anyway. Although staying healthy helps with both marriage and job-hunting, come to think of it. It would be ideal to keep everything up, but since I am still easily swayed with the rollercoastery things going on in my head, I find it difficult. I am either very happy and feel on top on the world and undestructible. I deserve that pizza/rest/things that mess with commitments. Or I feel defeated, sad and frustrated and I don't want to do anything. I deserve that pizza/rest/things that mess with commitments.

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On 2/20/2018 at 10:41 PM, Regular Robert said:

I hope my favorite warrioress is still pumped to the brim with battle prowess! Go, guuurl! Show em!

YEA! I love your supportive words, it makes me very happy to see the effort you put into them!
 

---

I managed well with my job interview and got the job! Things I managed well: preparation, being happy and energetic while still relatively calm and collected. Things I should do better some next job interview: explaining the skills I possess with examples of my current job, showing more interest/curiosity about the interviewers. Things I should definitely do better after a job interview: not stress like a headless chicken and forget how to breathe. Handling stress is definitely not my forté. Anyhow, I am excited about this upcoming change and so super grateful hubby works fulltime and makes it possible to go for it. I also experience a sense of relieve for leaving my current job. This job has given me the insight that I like the line of work and gave the structure I needed after graduation. But besides that it's not going to get me anywhere and promises were broken. It does pose some other questions. What am I going to do with the rest of the week? Something creative, perhaps even in the form of a small business? Learning a language or a program? One thing I do not want to postpone any longer is getting my drivers license, so I'll spend time on that.

Since I've been a lazy motherfucker last week, I decided this week I should go to the gym twice. I had tons of fun! I am grateful for all the muscle pain I endured today. I've also been talking with God a lot the last weeks and it gives me a great sense of peace and happiness. I feel like the past year I've been unrooting all the religious bs that was messing with my thoughts and it's very liberating.

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Life is pretty spectacular right now.

-hubby got a job! So, so happy with this!
-lots of spiritual stuff, talk and chilling going on. Woo woo!
-romantic weekend away with hubby <3
-lots of talking and cuddling with hubby. Hurray, communication!
-met with friends which was super pleasant. They dragged me to the art academy because we were nearby. Made me feel awful, but also gave a sort of closure.
-made sketches again. Yay for ink, inspiration and creating instead of consuming!
-starting to -ever so slightly- kick ass with kickboxing. Training twice a week is a lot more productive in learning the movements. Hurt my knee while doing so however, so taking it slow for a bit again.
-the weather is pretending winter is over. Sun is shining, birds are singing and temperatures are agreeable.
-looking forward to my new job. Old job is an unfolding disaster (with unexpected drama in the mix) and I am quite happily stepping of the ship before it's completely under water.
-family will visit tomorrow. Lil sister and brothers girlfriend also got a job, brother might have a new job too. I could not have picked a better time to invite people over to share pie with!

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On 3/16/2018 at 6:41 AM, WorkInProgress said:

Great to see your thriving. Especially on the social site you seem to harvest your deserved crops. Keep going you are awesome but I am sure you can be even more awesome ;)

 

Aww, thank you! I agree that there's still much room to grow!

---

First day at the new job today. It's good! I am enthusiastic to expand my knowledge and have some more responsibility in my job. First goals: learn names and interests of colleagues, learn the basics of the programs I'll be working in. I am extremely tired now; my brain feels like melted cheese. I skipped kickboxing because I couldn't move myself, but now I am fighting the urge to continue a drawing. It will end in disaster in my current state, but I seriously feel terrible for not allowing myself to draw.

I also did something impulsive. I have no energy to think about it too much, and that is kinda great because I know I'd be screaming my guts out if I had. Next week Friday I'll be joining my fine artist friend S. for an appointment with a wallpaper company to see whether we can make our artistic works match with their business. I mentioned to S. I liked picking up drawing again, we chatted a bit and we got to the topic of patterns. We both like and make patterns. S. mentioned she is going to talk with this company. And promptly offered to move the appointment so I could join. I said 'yes, why not?'. ………………… I said 'yes, why not'. What? I can think of a million reasons why not, but I guess I better dig up all the sketches and works that I stashed away in the deepest, darkest corner of the house and hope there's some gold in there. If there's not, there's the drawings that I made recently. I am quite happy with those, but it's only 1 and a half drawing that's suitable as of now. So not much to go on really. But I'll make it into a series of three at least, I feel quite motivated for that now. Yes, I could easily still cancel all of this, but I rather like to have a little adventure like this. It might also kick start the creative side of me, who knows?

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Update time:
-got lazy, but picked up kickboxing again. Thought all my build up stamina would be gone, but it's not that bad after all. Relearned the importance of mental preparation before going to the gym.
-started a business. (Yea, I just kinda did that) First win: got a costumer right away. First loss: made a mistake with printing and it's going to cost me a bit. And that first costumer has to practice his patience (and I my stress dealing mechanisms). I am not really sure what direction this whole thing will take, but I am learning a fucking ton and most of it is on the spot so it sticks with me really well.
-Storm is still there, although I should probably rename it by now. A storm is something to hide from and is hard to influence, let alone resolve. I'd like to believe it is possible to fix this, so it's not really a storm in that way. Anyhow, progress in the slowest possible rate, but it's going forward.
-The weather is summery and it's a blessing, yes!

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I've taking little time for reflection lately,  I just work, work, work. I am quite happy being so busy, but it's good to focus on where everything is going.

Business:
I am creating a ton of images and sketches. I like what I am doing. I've spend time with one friend asking just a lot of questions about how she handles things with customers, copyright, etc. I've finished my first assignment and my  costumer is very happy with the results. I've collaborated with another friend, making patterns together. Things I should work on: investigating how to make this profitable as well. What kinda product does my image translate to? Can I interest companies in my works and how do I get their attention? There's a few companies that have my attention fo sure.

Gym:
Damn, I worked hard this week. Got showered with compliments yesterday (a bit out of the blue to me, but yay!) I've put pictures of nice abs on my desktop background, just to keep in mind what I want to work hard for. I've also spotted the cutest pink and white boxing shorts at the gym and I want them. I am just not sure whether they are my size and I was too shy to ask to try them (Yes, I can kick yo ass but still be too shy for simple human conversation). The shorts also mean I will be showing leg. I've not done that in (semi-)public in a long, long time and it's pushing my comfort zone. Woo. Things I want to work on: discipline. I've been inconsistent with attending the gym and that's been slowing me down.

Food:
Mhyrion. Justifier of junkfoods, devourer of chocolate eggs. I am a fucker. Geez. Starting at the basics again. Didn't have junk food this week though, so it's another good start. The desktop abs picture does help though. I can work like a beast in the gym, but abs don't just magically peak through layers of belly fat.

Storm:
Oh, it's there. I'll just call it storm for the sake of making a little sense in this journal. It's the most confusing thing. One day I am sure everything is gonna be alright, the next I am not sure what will happen. Sometimes it feels like my heart is being torn in halves. It's excruciating and taking quite a lot of mental energy. Man, life can be complicated.

Work:
Work is.. Well, it's perfect except for the pace, which is just darn slow. But I am happy it's steady and not stressful. Hubby has lost his job though. He's working on attaining a new job very hard, I hope he can find one that has his heart. For some reason, I am not terribly stressed about this at all. I already knew he wasn't a good fit at his job, so it's not much of a shock. I went in a bit of a omg-financial-scarcity-impending-doom-craze for a few days, but realized that even if hubby takes a while to get a new job, we'll be just fine only with less reserves and with that, diminishing changes of owning a house soon. That's just how it is I suppose.

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There were a few things I wanted having a part-time job. One of them was learning a language. I've procrastinated on that; instead I am now learning how to build a website, which is a language in it's own right. I benefit from having had a go at freecodecamp last year, but now I learn things right when I need them and with a clear goal in mind. It's getting together.

Eating healthy is still an up and down journey. I am in a forgiveful mood. I've been rocking the exercise game though. So proud! Felt like a goddess yesterday, so beautiful, so strong. Bought the cute pink boxing shorts as a reward for working hard. They motivate me to be just as crazy and fierce in my exercise as their appearance. Can't by outmatched by the pants, and they demand quite a lot of fierceness for that.

This weekend I realized I am actually thriving better when on my period the last few months. Which is silly. I feel like the difference is mental preparation. When I expect to have all this shit going on, I mentally prepare to feel crazy and then when crazy happens, I am ready. While the rest of the time I do not prepare for crazy, and then when crazy happens, I am confused and distracted and insecure. So, I am imagining what kind of productive beast I'll turn into when I will mentally prepare every day. It's mighty alluring.

Some smart human being told me I should prioritize. I should. I desire so many mutually exclusive things at times, it's maddening. What's really important in life to me? I think being healthy and staying happy is a huge priority right now. I gotta take care of me, without that, all else fails. I am still not at the point that loving myself and taking continuously good care of myself is a given. Come a long way though, so I am proud! Loving and taking care of hubby is almost as important, but does not fly if I am at struggle with myself. Storm is another priority, there's a lot of work being done but sometimes I wonder if it's not really circles that are being run. Other times my heart is more joyful. Besides that, living fully. Someone working in the same building as me, which I maybe saw walking by a couple of times, died expectantly. Didn't know the guy. But I felt sad for him. Apparently, he was just about to start the job of his dreams. It made me think, what I am doing with my dreams? I am saving for a sometime home, but while I am sitting on all that money I do not enjoy it. I also keep putting off a holiday together with hubby. There'll always be a reason not to spend money on amusement and relaxation while it could also be spend 'wisely'. So I better question what really is the wise way of spending money. Not that living fully is all about spending that money, but I am limiting myself mostly on this part. Spending time wisely is also a big part. I could make a more conscious effort to do those things that I'll regret not doing instead of the mindless things still part of my everyday life. Will I miss having watched a thousand episodes of whatever series or the long walks in the sunshine? Mindless browsing or having finished a DIY project? Easy decisions if I write it down like this.

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Time for an 2018 evaluation get-your-shit-together-moment. I wanted to be fierce this year, it's a partial success.

What I've learned and should improve (or the not so fierce stuff):
-Lame excuses lead to lame results. There have been too many excuses and too little intensity.
-If I formulate a goal I should write it down and set reminders for myself to check progress. Because I have written down so many (little) goals and then forgot about them. It's not useful that way.
-Goals need deadlines. Or nothing ever happens. There needs to be urgency.
-If I finish a goal, I should set a new one. There's a lot of space between finishing a goal and realizing I need a new one. This should become habit.

The fierce stuff:
-I've grown in confidence. I am a beautiful creature. I waste less time second guessing myself and wondering what other people might think. I am starting to embrace the quirky things about myself.
-I am creating art and design again and I am sharing it with the world.
-I learned how to build a simple website and put it online.
-I spend a good amount of time enjoying nature and the outdoors and finding peace in that.
-I am more active socially. I take initiative at times and try harder to get to know people and listen to them.
-I am learning how to enjoy spending money.
-I've grown in physical fitness, strength and balance. I have higher energy levels.

What I have done the past week and a half with the things I should improve:
-Set goals with deadlines for my business
-Set goals for exercising and attending the gym for three months. When I fulfill my goals I can get myself a reward (in the form of gear or sessions with a personal trainer, something like that)
-Set deadlines for finishing DIY projects that are gathering dust by now
-Put my goals and deadlines on the pin board that I walk by almost everyday
-Set weekly reminders to check on progress and evaluate whether new goals needs to be added

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