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User6665

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  1. Day 3 Editied the last post. Well about that post : I meant it. That post wasn't written for seeking attention. Disliking myself is not about attention seeking angst. Nothing can justify the damage I had done to myself and the damage I had done to my family's effort. I think that's the problem. I have changed that's for sure I guess. Because I think I owe something better to myself and others who supported me. To be honest I don't expect anything from my future but still I need to make things better. I have to. Anyway onto what I did today. Watch gamequitters material on Youtube. Watched 90 days video, why shouldn't I play video games after 90 days detox. Well I shouldn't bet on everything to this detox thing but it feel important to me. Worked on the stupid exam. I shouldn't procrastinate my studies on exam. Two days remain and I should work 7/24 to pass the stupid exam. Watched an old television series called Daria. It is pretty funny Nothing more I guess. Tomorrow I will get my concentration pills.
  2. Day 2 Exams coming up but I'm fine with it. This entry will be depressing. It will be regretful. I regret what I have done to myself, how did I treat myself in past and how did I damaged my own future. Let's begin... After primary school I got anxiety. I lost confidence in myself, I play video game more and more and I start to isolate myself. In high school I was addicted more and more. My family was desperate about my problems and I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I didn't know why this is happening. I was half-conscious I guess. I knew some answers about it but to be honest when I look today I was full of shit. I had every option to become better, I could go to psychiatrist talk about this addiction seriously and do something about it. I could be healtier, more talented, less resentful. It wouldn't be easy ofcourse but when I think about the price I still pay today It would worth it. I have all the resources from my parents, I could HAD THE FUCKING SUPPORT OF MY FRIENDS !!! My parents paid shit load of fucking money for me. For my goddamn future, happiness, luxury. This is what they get today. A fucking asshole who is still deal with this addiction bullshit, obsessed with the pass, still cannot satisfy their expectation at least little bit. I'm a liar, hyppocrite, poser and a spoiled brat still can't look after myself. Even If I find the light I have lot to answer. Right now it is impossible to come terms with myself. I promised to my mother to improve my mediocre grades and what did I do ? I will have mediocre grades again and promise to my mother I will do better. My hopeless mother will buy my bullshit and will pay for the next term. I wil tell my father everything will be better but what will I do ? Possibly I will get mediocre resutls agan. Fuck I expect to relapse next thursday. How can I trust a piece of shit myself ? How can I expect to trust someone who sold his dignity, health, childhood to get small, empty little bit of entertainment. It is funny really. I thought I would get seome attention and some safety but I'm honest. I'm not going to bullshit like my other post. I was paralyzed and couldn't sleep. Right ? I had lot of fun when I shot raider's head and pretend make a new settlement when I had to prepare for my finals. The reason I pass these fucking courses was luck. Nothing more. I'm laughing. It is funny to expose myself. what kind of burden I am. In the end I become lazier and my lack of confidence in myself stoped me to do anything about almost every negative thing I had to deal with. So I played video game and got addicted. Since playing video game can't solve any problem I couldn't made relationship with females, failed in social life so I couldn't made strong relationships with my school mates, I become a coward and try to runaway basically from everything I found risky, become less creative, got scoliosis, messed up family relationship, self-hatred and depression. Well totaly deserved it. If this reincarnation thing was purely real I would commit suicide long long time ago for sure. What a second the real reason I didn't commit suicide was I was too afraid to commit suicide. Well facts hurts. I don't deserve my parents' attention, I don't deserve the money and the effort my stupid parents gave for me, I don't deserve the support of my friend. Still I got them and I have to the do right thin. Starting from Now. So why did I wrote this ? Well it is my journal, second to remind myself the situation I'm in and lastly to show how it is meaningless to pretend everything is fine, how it is meaningless to obsess about past that is so worthless and dabble around how my past should be. It is time to move on I guess. Is it a way to me crying for help ? Yeah but the reality is I got what I deserved. So no more pretending ? Quitting pretending that I'm fine... Am I a good person ? I don't know and I can't answer that. Will I accomplish this 90 days crap ? I don't know. Because determination isn't mean a shit to me. Because I am a liar and a coward. It is not brave thing to writing on internet. How many people will read this ? 3 ? 2 ? Crying for help didn't work. Crying for attention didn't work. What am I going to now ? Having a confidence in myself won't work. I'm not a good person. I don't like myself. This whole thing is disgusting. Still I wrote this to yeah remind myself that I need to do whatever I HAVE to do. By playing video games too much I harmed myself and my chances. I believe that. That's why I'm in this GAMEQUITTERS forum. Pretty good name I guess....
  3. Hello there new journal entry. In this three week I learned new things about trying to quit gaming. Quitting video games ( especially during the exam days) is not easy. During the second try I couldn't sleep, I felt paralysed, I found out I can stop if I motivate myself and try to not play video game and I'm not going to try anything too hard during exam week I started my second detox two weeks ago. I was off from video game for 8 days. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't fall sleep until 3am. I was dabbling around my bed ( Ok it wasn't that horrible :D) trying to sleep. In 5th or 6th day I started to stop do anything. Like do nothing... I have to deal with exam and after that exam I have to deal with finals. With the stress came from dealing with the school and this detox thing I decide it would be better if I give it a rest from detox. At monday, tuesday and wensday I got final exams. Got first two finals today. I will pass those courses so I feel good. This wednesday I will start to xth time to not playing video game. Maybe it won't be that hard. During those two trials I feel more confident about it and it is was interesting. Plus I will hang out here more to motivate and remind myself about this detox. Plus I'm not going to watch any game related stuff again until this detox thing ends So during the semester my plan : - Read more stuff. It will be about science, music, literature and bla bla bla... -Practice Drums -Learn Bass guitar -Learn more about computers, softwares (programming, algorithms) and transistors -Visiting Finland -Improve my english skills Let's see what will happen Planning to write again soon...
  4. Well, I think this one will help you better: 3 Types of Activities you Need to find Give us at least 3 examples of activities for Mental engagement, Rest and Social you're gonna do to substitute your gaming! Greetings, Mad Pharmacist PS. You can now watch it with Polish subtitles! By the way I checked out the challange and I can't say Iike the idea much but It's for let's say folks looking for extreme challange so I don't oppose it that much. What I have find out during gaming is, while I play the fucking game I get aroused. I do like masturbate and I enjoy it but when I game, well... Yeah I do masturbate alot. I don't know if there is a connection. However, I think masturbation is a very natural thing to do. Sex is a natural thing to do. Condemning it is not make sense to me. I want to check out Cam's beyond the detox thing. After firsttwo weeks I'll see whats up with that. Still waiting to end of the first week: I'll write tomorrow, see ya.
  5. OK guys it's 16:35 here but I'lll write anyway because first I don't have anything to do and second I'm not going to play video game. Didn't write about second day. There is nothing to be say about it tough. I didn't play video game I swear. YEEEp on to today. Day 3 : Woke up Went to class Studied quiz material Dİd the quiz Did club activity Hung out with friend Then I started to write this, waiting my other friend.Yup. Then I will eat, talk to club president, study, masturbate, listen music and compose drum part and sleep. May I'm not going to masturbate whatever. Don't know what to write. I still live with my anxiety. It is interesting to detox. I still watch yotube stuff like AVGN, LGR Lazy Game Review, soome rant channel but they don't take my too much time anymore.
  6. Welcome friend ! Hope your journey lead you to place you want to be.
  7. I fucked up... Start from the beginning. Damn... Day 1 Again YAY : I lost motivation aaandd I have played Fallout 4. Why ? Because I had to relax and ofcourse I had to play the stupid ass game. Oh but why not stop there ? Let's mod the game to make experience more intense. Anyway I got stressed out because of the second exams. Well I failed two of my exams, so jokes on me. They were important. I couldn't sleep today and since yesterday I thought I should start detox again. Funny thing is next friday I will have my first final exam. So I have to deal with more stress. hahaha Either I'm going to fail or I will pass the exam. Final exam is a final exam so I'm under stress right now. So I began to this stupid fucking journal again and listen some good music. It's simple. Can't write anything more right now. If I survive saturday then I will wrote more. For now I will keep these journal entries short. Song playing right now : Niacin - Klaghorn
  8. Good luck and best wishes for your recovery.
  9. Hello this is day 5 : Eh maybe I'm not going to write entry tomorrow. I found out I passed the exam. Pretty cool. Went to seminar about quantum physic. Study little. Tomorrow I'm going to use my medicine. I got ADHD. Wasn't that productive day. Need to work more on exam. Ok tonight I will write why I have stopped video gaming. It is 1:05 am here folks yep... Video games were very special when I was a kid. Games had good plot, long gameplay, whole bunch of entertainment, you could feel the heart and soul of developers and it was a good challenge. It did protected me from the enviroment, from not so healty enviroment bla bla. Let's not forget the topic. I can still remember how I feel when I play Half-Life, playing Half-Life 2, playing Fallout series for the first time, Sims and Sims 2... Plus the industry was really looking promising. Not like today I mean there will be really cool games coming in 2017 and still we have cool ass games like GTA V, Saints Row 3, new Postal games, Fallout 4... Ofcourse I'm not going to play any of those games for a long time and I prefer not to quit detox completely after this 90 days period. Let's see what happen. I can loose complete interest in future. Aaah what was I saying ? As video gaming industry grow it start to lack something. Plots are starting to feel same, gameplay mechanics getting boring, in all of those games you start to have good ending always ( or you try to get), become less challenging and yeah become less and less inspired. Industry grew larger and larger and what I get. Everything I told above and yeah unfinished games, bad servers... God!!! I know it's not easy to create a huge ass world and I know its expensive but don't they think publishing rushed, copied, shortened, buggy games, this "modders makes it better" mentality is kind of I don't know damage the industry ? The magic industury had is gone. I don't want to spend my money and time to something that isn't inspire me anymore. Remember the feeling first two Fallout had ? What about Sanitarium ? I mean how the fuck they couldn't make Diablo 3 powerful as Diablo 2 or 1 ? Yeah video games and companies had this idealism back in late 90'ies, maybe around 2005-2008. Now game has to sell so make it flashy sell million and yeah it's cool. No it's no cool. It become lame. Unfortunently indie games couldn't give me what I wanted. Sorry but I rather find my way out in good old Duke Nukem 3D. Still Witness was very cool. From triple A camp I can say GTA V my champion right now. Even though I was Fallout 4 fan. I was little bit Fallout fanboy. Life is Strange was interesting. What else ? Yeah, when I look at internet at those hardcore gamers, it make me depressed. I mean I was a gamer myself but shit I see some comments in pages about gaming in facebook, comments in youtube videos, Shadman ( don't look. Just some perverted shit.), gaming forums, and those user reviews in metacritic. This game is buggy waaaaaaah I give this game 0 out of 10. waaaaaaah It's broken waaaaaah. It's true story. Don't make start talking about sexism, homophobic comments, this pretentious political(!) stand (gamergate shit -_-), twichters, swatters, people who make death treaths. Dude it was fucked up. I met with very good people while I was gaming and today my two best friends are gamer. Those goddamn "bad apples". Still It make me think like "am I supposed to have any relation with those people ? Seriously ?". I wanted write my frusturations and how I feel about gaming today. It's over but still it was a great time and there is no need to search for the past anymore. Nobody is too old to runaway from the home. It's best to leave it behind. Let it go. Now it is not that something inspire or amaze me. Well I got to do do new stuff. I wonder what will I do tomorrow without gaming. Will I get good ending or I make mistakes and get bad ending. Curious:.. anyway bye.
  10. Day 4 : Had a shit exam. Too much to stuff memorize and got little time. Well I think I'm going to pass but... Whatever. I mean I pass right ? Anyway time here is 19:13. Day didn't eeend but I'll start studying soon. Well another day in the office I guess. The important thing is I didn't game, didn't thought about game at all. I feel lighter. I have this study thing ( need to work on another exam will happen next week :/) to do, I had a shit exam and still have anxiety to deal with but I'm fine. I don't know what to say. There is not much going on right now. It's pretty dull because of the exams but ooh wait. It came. Ah you what came. That empty feeling inside. You know what it is. I don't feel like doing noooothing. Nothing here ( the real world) interest me. Just want to go away from here. This mediocrity, this I don't know. I don't even want to think. I don't want to think or push myself writing this. Is it worth it ? Still I'm writing this and hoping somehow I feel better. Maybe escape from something ? I feel emptier. Really I don't have nothing in my mind. Is it locked ? What if for all those times I have fooled myself. What if I don't have anything to say ? Or have I protected myself ( or my thoughts) too much that even I can't see ( I don't know if its the right way to say it) what's inside my mind. I hear stuff in my dreams I don't even thought I heard that anymore. I don't know. That's all I'm going to say. Damn I have to deal with this in my social life too. I don't know what to do or what to say sometime. I think can't provide anything more. I'm stuck and only If I express myself more and ofcourse If I LEARN more about you know myself, my own enviroment eh whatever. Maybe I should think about it. Lastly I check If there is anything to correct. Check Youtube for time and then it will be another day in the office. Next day I will do a rant about video games today...
  11. Day 3 : Well not much to say. I'm in library and I want to make this detox poisitive so I registered this forum recently. Like I say nothing to talk about too much, I deleted all the game I had today. I'm still sick but I guess this will pass. I plan this to be end of waiting for buggy games that didn't finished, end of similiar stories, end of this extra stress just to finsih this quest or the game and end of being controlled. I don't want something hold my hand, I don't want something tell me what to do, tell me how to think... Well enough is enough. I write this and I don't really care what will happen. What happens happen. You know what I feel better. You know writing this journal. At least I feel like I'm not talking to a wall anymore. Not self-pitying but this ablity to reach other people and not feeling completely alone in the dark is freeing. It is exciting don't know what to do. Not knowing what will happen tomorrow. Maybe that's what should happen sometime. Because of too much control of my emotions and thought made everything worse I think. Hope everything goes well and that's it for today.
  12. Thanks nice youtube channel by the way
  13. Hello I've been gaming since I was 7 years old. It hard for me right now to express myself right now because I don't like showing any kind of vulnerability and I want to protect myself from any negative things can happen from showing my vulnerability because people aren't nice. Anyway, the reason I stop play video games because it cause alot of harm to my social life, it become meaningless and it hurts my mental state. My childhood was normal I guess until the primary school and everything went to downhill. Because of the bullying in the school I had,other "fun" stuff happened in my family and ofcourse video game offered me so much, I started to play game too much and then become obsessed about it and until I was 20 years old I was miserable. Thanks to friends I made two years ago, I started to turn my life around slowly. I don't know what else to say. Even today I control myself about gaming but I want to end this gaming chapter in my life because I want so much more from this life. Well that's it.... I guess...