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Regular Robert

21st century Ulysses.

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Hey I will check your stuff out if I have some free time. Nice Job getting out there. Did you giv Meditation a try yet? headspace.com gives you 10 times 10minutes of free guided Meditation. i really enjoy using it so this could be something for you too.

I agree with workinprogress. Meditation is pretty great. I'm guilty of not doing as much as I'd like (#excuses), but if you do not make such a big deal about it and simply meditate say 10-20 minutes everyday, it'll add up, and the benefits are huge (there's a lot of modern research on the matter). Maybe you already meditate, and I'm just preaching to the converted, but if not, give it a go!

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Thanks everybody for all the hints. I believe meditation is a great way to find some balance. If anybody can share any recommendations for a bloody beginner, I would be grateful.

 

Day 42 - 44:

There is nothing much to write down today. The last days have been a real drag somehow. Well, except for the day I made sushi. I also realized that I am often not treating myself in a healthy way. For example, I often listen to people when they are upset, but can hardly share any issues with people around me. That is a habit I would like to re-balance.

A good thing is: The workout seems to show first results. I often feel stronger and fitter than before. But right now, that is about it. Right now, I am just tired and looking forward to get some rest soon.

In the image: Avocado maki, asparagus maki, green herbs maki, bean salad, miso soup, egg-rolls and asparagus nigiri. It was a busy day, but the sushi was tasty.

 

 

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@WorkInProgress
Thank you! I will check it out and implement it into my daily structure.

Day 45-46:
I think, I am making some progress again. Some of the activities that I inserted into my daily schedule have ... changed. I can actually feel that I do not need a lot of willpower to clean up, do the dishes, cook and so on. All these activities have been "annoying" or simply a drag back when I was playing 10+ hrs daily. Due to the fact that I forced myself to do them day by day, it is getting easier. I really do the dishes "en passant". So the kitchen is always neat and clean lately.

Also, the fridge is packed. There is no more room left. I only mention this, because this has become a permanent state. I blame the fact that I cook consciously nowadays. In my gaming life, I would usually eat toast, insta-meals or nothing at all. All that has changed and I feel way better. I can also feel that my body prefers this kind of nutrition.

Well, talking about my body, something happened and it is kind of interesting. 45 days ago, I was capable of drinking a bottle of wine and be entirely sober. I was capable of drinking two bottles and all I felt was a little itch. Don't get me wrong, even though I say that I was "capable", it still isn't a good thing. Not at all. But that was the status quo. I cannot even explain it. May be, my mind was too busy playing so that I did not feel the impact of the booze. May be, I drank enough water while drinking wine to have a balance. May be, I was so used to what I did (playing and avoiding real stuff), that I could actually do it on auto-pilot while I metabolize the alcohol. I have no clue at all. BUT - and that is important now - 45 days later, that does not work anymore. Not at ll. The limits are back in order and I learned that the hard way. I drank about one and a half bottles of wine, yesterday. And boy, I will never do that again. Like I said, I was able to withstand this amount of booze easily. But yesterday, I was a walking dead. It was kind of funny, too. Because the night was horrible, the vomiting was horrible, today all sounds were twice as loud as usual and there was a massive construction site in my head. I felt like crap. And I loved it. That means that my body reacts to alcohol in a natural way.
Another thing that was good about it was the process of cleansing that came with it. You know, when you vomit until there is nothing left, that is quite cleansing. I felt like I had swallowed a lot of negativity lately. I talked to people that only used me as a listener to vent their issues and some people did not treat me with respect. I felt like I needed to get that out. It is really strange, but even though I did not get sleep and felt like crap today, I was happy.

In addition, I finally found some nice activities to replace gaming. Making audio-files of some of my texts is a thing that I could do the whole day. It is entertaining, rewarding and it keeps me busy. Even though I am just starting out, I can already feel that this is something I really like to spend time doing.

That is about it for now. I am going to try to relax now.

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Awesome to see everything is going well for you! Being able to do chores more easily, have more 'normal' responses, and being able to enjoy previously 'boring' activities become possible without the hyper-stimulation of gaming, so it is wonderful to see those coming through.

It's fantastic you're doing your own cooking, it's a really valuable skill. I keep telling myself this but haven't yet managed to cook consistently, so good on you for actually getting on with it.

All the best man! :D

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@Cam

Thank you! And thank you very much for the awesome sticker and letter. I might even reply at some point in the future.

@AlexTheGrape

It is kind of funny that especially doing the dishes is some kind of a favorite activity for me now. When my girlfriend secretly does the dishes, I feel that there is an empty spot inside of me where my activity was. Also, I would love to see some of the meals you cook in the future! :D

 

Day 47-50:

The last days have been nice. Really nice. My girlfriend had 4 days off, so we spent a lot of time together. I like it, I really do. However, during this time I am not really productive. Like, I am not writing much, nor am I really working on other projects. That is mainly because it is easier for me to concentrate when I am entirely alone and also, because I enjoy cooking for me and her. So, I cooked and we ate and talked. Like I said, I enjoyed it.

Today, I received Cam's letter and the awesome sticker. I love to receive "real" letters. Especially when the sender is a benevolent person. So I was quite happy about the handwritten text.

In addition, I re-arranged my furniture. The desk and the bed found new places and suddenly, everything feels so damn comfy in here. Sometimes re-arranging one's environment can be a real step forward. My mic now has a nice place and recording audio files is much easier. After Christmas, I will treat myself with new stuff for my little "studio". Can't wait for it.

Another thing I changed is my "training board". Yeah, I have a board for my workout. I changed it a little, so that it is a bench in front of my bed now and when I need it, it turns into workout equipment. The workout keeps getting better. I do it more regularly, except for running. Going out to run requires quite some willpower for me. I believe, it is the cold, dark, noisy and trashy environment of this city. However, when my girlfriend is at home, I usually ask her to accompany me. She rides her bike and I run. Rocky style. I believe, I already said that in one of my other journal entries.

Well, one thing I forgot is that on day 45, my girlfriend had a little gift for me. Two small frying pans made of iron. They look awesome and it is so cool to serve them. I will post a photo in the future.

Right now, I am preparing my application for the script writers school. Still have a lot of work ahead of me, but it is fun. I do not really want to study script writing, since I feel it is not really necessary, but I would like to see whether the school would accept or deny my application. And who knows if I wont change my mind in case they actually accept me. So, stuff like this fills my days.

Another "activity" I really enjoy lately is getting rid of old stuff I do not use. By doing so, I lighten the imaginary weight on my shoulders and I can actually make a quick dollar or two. The money will be invested in new equipment to enhance my work on my projects. And of course, some of it will be used to support awesome people in their awesome deeds. ;)

Yeah, Robert is quite happy lately. I might have forgotten a few things but if I did, I will add them in the near future.

 

P.S.: In the image: French fries, home made veggie patties, cucumber salad and bread that did not turn out too great. Haha. Still, it was a nice feast.

 

 

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Appendix:

This is my new audio-file (German) about a guy named "Cody". I once met him in Phoenix, Arizona.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4MwP6sZDM0&feature=youtu.be

The whole thought is based on a poem about Cody, that I had forgotten for quite some time now. I found it a few days ago and it inspired me to talk about the perfect friendship and soul-companionship in strangers.

In case anybody is interested, this is the poem (Don't expect la creme de la creme, I was 17 at that time. It does not even rhyme.):

'Hes the devil. I see the devil'
That's all the crazy lady said
'Hes actually pretty cool'
Thats all Cody replied

We stopped that night in Phoenix, Arizona
Drove the mustang all night long
My old man was tired of our journey
but there were still three weeks to go

I still remember the night we held there
I remember the sun going down over the city
the night with Jeff and the boys
I still remember Cody the receptionist

I never wrote you back and I am sorry
back home life just got me back
now all that's left is the ambulance in the streets
All that's left is work and the rush of traffic

 

Another thing, don't think that I am a fanboy, but I really love letters and since Cam's mission has initiated a great change in my life, I will keep this:

 

 

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It is kind of funny that especially doing the dishes is some kind of a favorite activity for me now. When my girlfriend secretly does the dishes, I feel that there is an empty spot inside of me where my activity was. Also, I would love to see some of the meals you cook in the future! :D

 

Haha that's a funny thing to happen, although in a really positive way. There is something to be said about the feeling of doing physical work to make things clean, sometimes I feel it has its own cleansing effect on one's feelings/mood.

Haha thanks! I cooked with my brother the other night, but I'll make sure to take photos of what I cook from now on! :D

Also framing your letter from Cam is a really good idea, I am going to do that soon too!

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@Robert Arctor I have made it a goal to read one journal a day!  At least to catch up on the active ones :) Or the ones who pay attention to me! lol

So... DING, DING, DING! You are today's grand prize winner! I have read your journal! :D 

Wow verbose man! lol xD 

I am with you that I feel a journal is a place that we should be able to write anything we want.  Post anything we want. (like those pictures)

Thanks for being supportive of me in my recovery.  I am not alone. :)

 

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Hey Robert, mate! I was trying to catch up with your journal. How much you have done! and What a cook!

Two comments: what is it about your audio files? are they like a voiced diary? I have been thinking of doing it for a long time, but never took the time to do it. Sometimes I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway and a little bit of self talk would do good.

The other one is that I had the exact same experience with alcohol yesterday (reported on the journal today). Except that I had only two glasses of wine, if much, 1/4 of a bottle. it is funny what a detox does to our bodies.

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@dandielionous
I feel honored, thank you very much. :) And I agree that the journal should be as individual as the person who writes it. Everybody has his own way of expressing feelings, reflecting experiences and goals. Of course, goals. And trust me in this one: You are not alone!

@Reno F
Thank you for your kind words. I have never been a great cook, but I believe that everybody can learn things. So I had to learn to cook. And it feels good. It feels great to eat what you made. It adds a certain ... flavor. :)
My audio-files are basically a project I picked up a while ago. I wanted to create an audio-book. Just for fun. Just to see if I can and to see how it turns out. The other thing is a kind of podcast where I share thoughts, anecdotes, experiences. Both keep me busy and being busy is quite nice. I also have a little recording tool to record what you call self talk. Sometimes it helps to not think, but speak thoughts. It often helps me to reflect.
Lastly, sometimes we need to break down. Sometimes we need to feel our limits and borders. I believe, that is a good thing. And seeing that the body changes when the mind is not numbed by working on a video game is kind of great.

Day 50 - 56:

A week without an entry. Why didn't I attend to my journal? I asked myself every day that exact question. And today I have the answer. I have overdone my daily goals. It is awesome to have daily goals and to be busy. After all, there must be a way to spent the newly obtained time. But there is actually a way to overdo it. I felt like I "must" do this and "must" do that. I often mentioned that I need recreation and relaxation. Today, I got rid of the last stuff I wanted to get out of the way. And the very next thing I did was to talk to a bike vendor about an old bicycle I saw. It needs a lot of attention to be fixed again. And I thought "that would make a great project". Projects. I love them. But I have too many. And they are all in the house. My audio-files - in the house and in front of the PC. Work out - in the house. Cooking - in the house. Writing - in the house and in front of the PC. Working in the basement - in the house. I am constantly in this house.
I remembered that I once told my girlfriend that I would like to make one day of the week my "go to town day". Just go to town, buy a magazine, sit down in a café and read the damn thing. Or not. Or just look at the images. Or the people around me. One day every week. I never did that. Except for today. After the café I went to a few stores and tried on some jackets. I liked all that. I need to get out and see something else. Even though much of what I see is not really cool because this town is kinda ugly. But out of my house. And I was happy when I came back home.

So, today I decided to not buy the bike I saw before march February or even March. Next month, I will choose one day in the first week and go to town, buy a magazine and sit down in a café. And from there, I will see what happens.

In addition to sitting at home a lot, I act "crazy" lately. Crazy like, my feeling jump up and fall down within seconds. The reason is Christmas. I was about Christmas when my sickness came "to an end", three years ago. I was extremely sick and broke down on the 1st of January. Ever since then, I act strangely when the Christmas time begins. It is the memory. Nothing much I can do about that right now. It will change over time. It will get better but right now, its not too great.

While sitting in front of the PC, I browsed the web to find a good tool to create a website with. Even though I can program HTML, I do not want to create a page from scratch. I just don't want to. I want my time to be spent in a different way. So I created one and will probably launch it in January. As a place to exhibit and display my recorded and written stuff. It seemed to be some kind of the next step on my list. Some way to actively gain progress.
I also wrote a little plot for the next episodes and such. We will see how that turns out.

My current favorite hobby is probably preserving food. Its really cool and I enjoy it, even though it is a lot of work somehow. A good thing about it: When I blanch ginger to preserve it, I always keep the stock and drink it over the course of the following days. I once read that it is supposed to be quite healthy.

Speaking of my health: I am a regular smoker again. It sucks but I am too weak in my willpower to completely stop it. I believe it is because of the stress. My neighbors keep driving me insane. They are the kind of people that are, well ... "light-minded" and at the same time their common way to express their feelings is by smashing doors and shout at each other. I already talked to them but well, they still keep the house awake at night. Constant aggression around me annoys me. Waking up at 3 am because they slam their doors shut because whatever annoys me. Falling asleep again and waking up at 4 am because now they slam each other in their mo*#!"$(*#+ing loud hell of a bed annoys me. Having crazy people around you all the time will eventually drive you crazy. God, sometimes I HONESTLY wish that one of them accidentally kills the other. Than this whole stage play would be over. I know, harsh feelings, but even though I am a nice person, I can be annoyed as hell at some point. Just imagine you listen to peaceful music, loving your life, drinking a cup of fine tea and suddenly you startle from the horrible smash-noise of a door that was whacked at the other side of the wall you sit next to. Every day. At any time of the day. Anyway, idiot people. I should not waste my energy now to talk about trashy people.

Back to nice things: I had another of these moments of clarity. I was doing the dishes and my back hurt because for some reasons I feel most kitchen counters are way too low. But that's not the point. I cleaned all those forks and spoons (I love the word spoon) and I understood, that my life does not suck. Sounds strange, right? But that is just true. My life does not suck. I do have my issues. I do have horrible neighbors. I do have pain and all, but my life does not suck. Trump will be president, Russia has 16.000 nuclear weapons, but my life does not suck. Even if I would not make any progress in a whole year, my life would not suck. I would not be a failure. I would not starve to death. I would not freeze to death. I would not lose all that I got. Nothing would happen. The way I live right now can go on forever. My girlfriend brings home the cash, yeah. But that does not make me a failure. I could fail in anything I do for the time span of a full year and my life would still be great.
Let me explain that a little more, because it might be important for me again, in the future. Eventually. I had a lot of thoughts in my mind. And I dare to make a general statement now: Many people in life will try to tell you that you suck salty b*#&%cheeks. That your life sucks. That you are a failure and  will never succeed. Many people will try to do that. I had quite a few of those events in my close past. Family members, distant people I knew, distant people I do not know. My wife once walked to her bus at the train-station and somebody shouted "rich bitch". She is not rich and she is not a bitch. She likes to dress herself in a mature, individual way. And some people were freeeettened (threatened) by that fact alone. She looks different, she looks good, she is a bitch. A rich, spoiled bitch. That example might be quite extreme, I agree. But there are many much smaller examples in our daily lives. People will tell us that we are trash. And most of the time, they do not know a damn thing about us. But they do it, because they feel bad. For various reasons. And it is way easier to trash somebody's life than to work on your own life. If you hear  these statements, claims on a constant basis, there will be weak moments when they manage to penetrate your forehead and they will most likely damage your frontal lobe. What I am trying to say is: It cannot be overestimated how important it is to take a moment from time to time and to actively look at one's own life and realize, that is does not suck. Negativity tends to fill people up until all they can see is more negativity. And those people usually tend to see negativity in literally ANYTHING. And they completely blind out that they have place to live, people to talk to, something to eat, most of their limbs, peace in the streets, sunlight, access to every piece of music they would want to hear and so much more. My life ... does not suck. And even if I fail in something I want to achieve tomorrow, my life will still not suck on the day after tomorrow. In fact, even if I would try it again and again and again and another 300 times, it would not suck. And I am glad that sometimes I stand in the kitchen with a cleaning cloth in one and a sharp kitchen knife in the other hand and I realize, that my life does not suck at all. There is nothing ... literally nothing to be afraid of.

And here I stand in front of you, my fellow quitters and quitterettes and I shall end this huge paragraph ... with the declaration of the fact, that I decide that my very own life ... does not suck salty b#%&§cheeks.

 

 

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Appendix of the declaration of Sir Robert the most regular of all Roberts:

Carrot-salad in apple vinegar, carrot-salad in raspberry vinegar, ginger in rice vinegar and garlic with onions in chili-rice vinegar.

 

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Hey Robert, don't let your neighbors have power over you or what you do with your life.

I know it is WAY easier said than done, and here I am saying it.

Cheers

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Day 56 - 61:

I have been quite lazy when it comes to writing journal entries. There are several reasons for that, which keep me thinking a lot, lately:

a) When my girlfriend is around, I spend time with her. That is a good thing. But since we do not have much time during her work days, we spend like the entire day together. Until late at night, when she gets sleepy and heads off to bed. That is usually the time of day, that I begin to actually work. Don't get me wrong, I do work on my stuff during the day, but I have trouble focusing when there is much noise around me. And during the day, this house is really noisy. I like the evenings, the quiet, peaceful evenings. But after working on my stuff, my head is often to heavy on my shoulders to go on and get myself to write another journal entry.

I often wonder how other people do it. Live in a relation, live together and work at home. I talked to a friend about this exact topic and he told me, working at home is nearly impossible. Creative work. When you are married and do not lock yourself up. I don't know if that is true but I often feel that it is. I mean, when I am at home, I often think about the stuff I should do at home. Stuff around the house. Cleaning this, washing that, sorting out this again, cooking, than cleaning the kitchen again and so on. When I am done, my girlfriend gets home and talks to me about her day. She often has a lot to tell. After that, I need at least one hour to re-calibrate, to find my balance again. Quick, massive input has to be digested first, before I can actually work on creative stuff again. So, yeah. If somebody has experience worth sharing in this particular field, tell me about it.

Another reason is that I write a diary nowadays. And often, I feel like telling the same stuff again is kind of pointless. I don't know. It is a feeling. I would also like to change the format of my journal, I guess. Since on some days, I might only have two sentences to post, but I know there is more in the details. I think I will try to use a list based system in the future.

So, now to the actual entry: Merry winter sale everybody. For those who were active on steam. I have to say, the sales often bored me in the past, but this time is does not touch me in any way. I even browsed through it just to see how I would feel. And everything on there looked the same to me. Nothing of interest. I believe, that is a good thing.
On another note: I do tend to think about a certain game a little too often. I do not have real cravings, but I remember how much fun I had with a game called "Bookworm Adventures", where you would have letters just like in scrabble and you would form words with it. I liked it, I really did. And for some reason, it is on my mind. Not sure why. Another game that keeps popping up is Stardew Valley. But I know why. I found peace and relaxation in it and - and that is quite important - it is about gardening. I really love gardening and miss having one. Today I talked to my girlfriend about the possibility to move to her mother in the future. Not into her house but close. She lives right next to a lake and when she opens the curtains in the morning, all she sees is beautiful greenish land. When I look out my window, I see the other house on the other side of the road. And I see crowded traffic, heavy trucks on a dirty, filthy street. But what I hate the most is the freaking noise. Right now, during these holidays, I enjoy the silence the most. Because people stay at home and I can open my window without entering a world of traffic noise. I do think that traffic noise is not healthy at all, but that is only my opinion. So, moving to the countryside would be nice, I guess.

Enough lamenting about things that I do not like. Accentuate the positive! Positive is that I visited my mother today. Since it's Christmas and such. We never had a good relation. In fact, when I was a kind, I prayed to god that he would either kill her or me. Dark times. But having that in mind, it is even greater that we now have a relation that is based on peace. It is a distant relation, but it works. And that's what counts, I believe.

An old friend will visit me the day after tomorrow. That is a good thing as well. I like his company and we grew up together, so it's always nice to have him around.

Oh, I did not even talk about the fact that I am on day 61 now. So, two thirds of the detox are already in the rearview mirror. It's strange how the feelings changed. In the beginning, I thought that it was hell and the cravings nearly drove me mad. I had a lot of stress, anxieties and anger in me. But now, everything seems to have found its balance. But, not everything is perfect, of course. I still find myself browsing amazon too much. Way too much. I feel that is is indeed some sort of compensation, just another drug. But this time, I know about it and can work on it to fix it.

A good hint for anybody who struggles with goals during his or her detox: Do not set deadlines on goals that require money to be reached. I made some mistakes to set goals where I had to buy stuff to actually get the other stuff done. The basement, for example. It is a great place now, but my initial plan was to make it a fully usable workshop. Thus, I need some particular tools. It was a dumb idea to set a deadline on this goal. Instead, I should have separated it into two goals. One that only involves work, paired with a deadline. And one that involves financial investments, paired with a reeeeeally loose deadline or none at all. So, that's just a hint. I might post a photo of the basement next month.

Another goal that I came up with is: A video clip. You know, when I finally reach day 90, I want to make a video, where I talk about my experiences and of course, thank Cam for all that he has done for me. Nothing less than changed my life, I would say. I thought, it might be a good idea to add a video, summing up the detox. That is my idea for now. I will see how it turns out.

My website will be online in a few days, probably early January. I am looking forward to publish it. It includes publishing some of my minor works, which is quite new to me. Getting my stuff out there. I am really excited.

So, that is ... it, for tonight. I hope everybody had a great Christmas Eve and a great time with his or her loved ones.

 

Robert - out.

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Day 62 - 66:

It has been a nice time lately. Christmas was quiet and peaceful, the way I like it. No great parties, no big events. I visited my mother on Christmas Eve and spent the rest of the time at home with my dog and girlfriend. That was good. We made some cookies for Christmas and gave them to the neighbors we know and like. They were grateful and liked it.

That is another thing: Life is good, lately. I have some minor issues like my troubled sleep but in general, life is good. And that is a great thing to witness. I mean to actually witness, to notice that. My studio keeps growing, I can work on my projects on a daily basis, I get better at cooking. So many good things I am finally able to see. Back in the days, my mind was numbed; I was in the mist, not being able to take into account what is happening. Neither good, nor bad. But both feelings are great.

The apartment looks great lately. I moved some pieces of furniture and I still keep doing that to find a good ... vibe. My neighbors are not home and haven't been for at least 5 days now. So it is peaceful and oh so calm.

I paid for my own domain today. Now I have to wait for it to unlock and when it does, I will work on my website. I am looking forward to doing so, since every tiny step I make is a step into the direction I want to head.

There isn't really much to say today. Everything is in a big change right now. I mean, of course. One big change is quite obvious. We are on the brink of the new year. But it feels like the rest is changing as well.

I talked to my mother in law and she seems to be my biggest fan right now. She really enjoys the little anecdotes, that I share on YouTube. You know, it might be obvious as well, but it is good to be surrounded by people who support you. I remember times when I was surrounded by people who actually held me back, pulled me down. I remember family fights and hatred and disgust. But now, my life seems to be filled with love, kindness and affection. I really enjoy this time of peace.

One last thing I would like to mention though: I really like this community. In gaming communities, people share one interest: Games. Obviously. But here, this community is about much more. It is about compassion, respect, gratitude, acceptance, progress, change and all of that is based on a real thing. On one's life. Not part of a fictive world. I am really tired, so I struggle to find the right words, but I guess you guys know what I mean.

Attached to this post: Cookies (Coconut and oat) and my dog named Hiroshima. She wore her Christmas dress. A fine lady.

 

 

 

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