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Regular Robert

21st century Ulysses.

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Thank you, Cam.

Day 67:

Just a short one on the diary part: I had a nice day. It started off strangely, with my girlfriend having the day off, laying in bed until noon and crying afterwards. I did my best to be there for her, though we did not know what caused this mood.

While walking the dog, a car came to stop next to me. The driver asked me for direction, but I did not know the street he was looking for. But he mentioned that he is searching for a particular Mazda MX5 shop and I knew where that one was. But it was too much to explain the whole way to him. So I asked him if it would be okay for him, if I'd just hop in and navigate him to the place. I think, he was so... surprised by what I asked, that he did not say no. He said "Yeah, sure. If that is not too far from your home". I told him, that it will be okay, since I was walking the dog and I don't mind to add a couple of miles. I should mention, that I was in front of my house, when he asked me. The walky-walky with the doggy-doggy was already done, but I was in a good mood. So, he drove, the dog slept on the backseat and we talked. Two perfect strangers talked. And we did not really talk BS, we talked like people. You know, I always thought that if two people are together in a car and they drive, there is this special connections between them. Like, being locked in a small, but comfy room, making progress together. Flying through the air. It was nice. It was really nice. After that, we both smiled and I walked homeward. The most interesting part though: I suffer from severe social anxieties and my dog usually barks at ... everybody on this planet. The dog did not bark, she was happy and just jumped into the car as if it was a good friend of us. The same goes for me. I just jumped in and talked to a person I have never met before. Due to health issues, he had to give up riding his motorcycle and he promised to give him BMW to his son, that's why he bought a MX5 and wanted it to be modified to his needs. That is no BS talk. I really liked it.

After that, I tried to support my girlfriend even further. I bought her a donut at the bakery. Not sure why, but she always likes them. The ones for kids. These colorful little sugar bombs. Aaaaafter quite a while, her mood brightened up and we went to the city. I bought some new clothes, we had a meal at a Chinese restaurant where all the tables were sticky and we bought some hygiene stuff. It was like ... after 4 hours in the city that I got my first anxiety episode. But it wasn't too horrible. I just had to gently tell her that we gotta leave in the near future. Usually, my anxieties would start the moment the bus opens its doors. This time, it went real smooth. That is actual progress. I remember when I was gaming all day, my anxieties were at their peak. The reason for that was usually pretty simple. While gaming I did not feel like any negative emotion, when I suddenly stopped, all the negative emotions came back at the same time, thus making it close to impossible for me to go outside.

Well, so much text already. The reason why I started this text today in the first place was that I was thinking about something a lot. Monday, a friend of mine will come to visit me. The reason is that we are planning to create a tiny video. Well, he creates it and he needs somebody to act. I am not an actor but I am the only one willing to do it, so I am in. And the first time we talked about it was 4 weeks ago. Until this day, we do not have a script. It will be all new, without clear direction, without a clear goal. And I thought, this will be a great lecture, because we will most likely fail. Horribly. I am a positive thinker but if you do not have a goal, how are you going to achieve anything? But, even if we fail, we will learn a lot from it.
So today and last night, I had to think about an interview with Akira Kurosawa (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-McmgQbee0). In this interview, he talks about young aspiring filmmakers, but I felt like he was talking about a great part of my and the following generations. We all want to to or be something, but we want to start and immediately be at the end. Start, finish, victory. Rings a bell? Instant gratification. The part in between is nothing but work. Possibly pretty annoying, sometimes really frustrating work. I had to think about many people I met. Or people that my girlfriend met. I heard many people say "I would love to do this or that" or "live this life or pursue this goal". But they all said it in this melancholic, blue way. "Oh, if I could do this" or "Oh, if that was my life... I would be so happy". But what keeps them from pursuing their dreams? The tedious, horrible part in the middle. Many people do not fail in the beginning or in the end, but in the middle part.

"The tedious part of writing has to become second nature to you". Strike the "writing" and insert anything and it will still be true. If you want to get anywhere, you have to learn to adapt to routines. To boring work. A good smith will have to craft lots and lots of bad hatchets until his arms are strong and he becomes a master. When I look at my generation, I often believe that many of us are quitters. (Funny, since this is an actual quitters forum) But we quit the wrong stuff. Many of my generation rather live a life that is not their own instead of doing something that will hurt, annoy them, kick them to the ground and beat them and afterwards love them forever. Many of my generation prefer meaningless non-progress over meaningful hard work.

Well, lamenting much? ;) I know, I can be a real party pooper sometimes, but I usually want to accentuate the positive. And I will still do that. Because, understanding that between the initial euphoria and the satisfying, glorious end is a horrible path of tedious work is good. It is good to understand how things work. And for me, understanding this pattern means, I will have to add more horrible stuff to my schedule. I will do stuff, that I do not like to do at all. Instead of making an excuse, I will make an approach until I can say "Well, I truly hated doing this but now I think, it is not that bad after all". Well, that's it for today.

Until next time ...

Edited by Robert Arctor

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Powerful stuff here, man. You got us all nailed down with instant gratification. It's something I've admitted about myself, because after years of trying to write a publishable book, I started to lose focus on the love of writing and crafting stories and started to just want to have a book. It's that sign of success that I wanted to have to prove to myself that I can do this, because I did do this. I've since learned to back off from the end goal and just focus on the project. It's okay to daydream, but it's not okay to obsess and ultimately give up.

Also, that bit about showing the guy to the Mazda shop sounds like the seed of a short story to me. It was fascinating and enlightening to read even in its current form.

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Okay, I will slightly change my journal format. Most people use the template that is offered in the pinned thread and I will most likely do the same now. It will be easier to keep a daily journal and I believe that I should post daily, otherwise my progress might get lost in my mind.

Day 75

Short summary:

I feel better. I felt really sick lately. Obstipation is the keyword here. And I flooded the pipes yesterday. That is why I do not feel too great. But aside from that, things are going well. I am working on my website and my content and will most likely launch it on Monday. I have to oppress my perfectionism to get somewhere, but it looks like it works.

My girlfriend is sick with the flu. That is not too bad either, since she likes to be sick once a year. Seems to be some kind of health ritual. All I hope is that I don't catch the flu as well, because that would only hinder my progress.

Also, this is a new year we are in now. I does feel the same to me, but at the same time, I know that the seasons will start all over again now. I like that. Reset, new circle. And every circle is different.

Damn my throat feels scratchy.

Tonight, we will have sushi for dinner. I love sushi. I love making it, going crazy with the fillings and eating it. Tonight, we will order sushi, so no additional work for me. That's fine for me. You know, I had a time in my life when I ordered like 3 times a week. Because cooking was distracting me from playing. Now, I actually look forward to ordering something to eat. It becomes a special event and I feel so grateful for not having to prepare and clean up afterwards. If you enjoy stuff on really rare events, that makes them extremely special.

My little studio keeps growing. I think I found my second passion, aside from writing: Audio. Audio stuff. Creating audio files, recording audio-books and such. I love it. Never knew I would.

On another note, I offered to help Cam with the translation of his files and scripts. I really enjoy doing that, because it somewhat is challenging and keeps me thinking. Also, it tires me, which is good since I always have trouble sleeping. It also makes me want to learn an additional language. Like Spanish. Un cafe sin leche, por favor. Leche and I do not get along well.

I am grateful for:

  • My relationship. I am not alone in this world. I can share my thoughts and my feelings with another human.
  • My dog. Love that creature.
  • This community. Self-explanatory, right? People in here are simply awesome.
  • Still being alive. There was a time when the advancement of my life was on knifes edge.
  • Being in a secure financial status. Lord knows, there were different times.

What went well today:

  • I upgraded my little studio. The bookshelf might crumble tonight, though.
  • The sun is shining. So the morning walk with the dog was nice even though it was cold as #$§!.
  • The obstipation seems to be gone. Phew.

Witness the fitness:

  • Workout / Running [1/1]
    • Workout

What I could have done to make my day better:

  • I still need to tidy up and do the dishes. A clean apartment causes a clean mind and vice versa.
  • Aside from that, the day is going quite well.

Weekly goals and progress:

  • Website ready to launch [0/1]
    • Additional blog posts [0/2]
    • Portrait for the "author" page [0/2]
    • Completion of the e-book "Der Schirm" [0/1]
      • Completion of the chapters [3/6]
  • Cooked dinners / Prepared meals [1/3]
  • Learn a new recipe [0/1]
  • Complete 15 translated pages of the "Respawn" script [9/15]
    • Edit and translate the cover image [1/1]
  • Train at least 3 times a week [0/3]

Monthly goals and progress:

  • Create 4 audio files for the YouTube channel [0/4]
  • Write 4 new scripts for new content [0/4]
  • Paint the notebook [0/1]
  • Translate the entire "Respawn" script [0/1]
    • Translated pages [9/68]
  • Spend 3 days in the city among the regular people [0/3]

 

I will get used to this new system and will probably expand it a little. I feel like something important is missing.

Edited by Regular Robert

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Day 75Appendix

Appendix:

I realized something again. Whenever I get euphoric about something, you know the feeling, when you suddenly generate a lot of energy because something inspired you, I tend to distract myself. I tend to watch something, smoke a cigarette or eat something until I am calm again. In addition to being calm, I waste all that energy instead of investing it into a current work project or anything of that nature.

I believe, that this is something I should improve. Whenever I generate energy, I should find a way to use this energy. Not sure how I will do this, but it sure is a goal of the future.

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Grateful for your translation support, truly means a lot and will help a lot of people who don't speak English! Love the new journal template. Colors make everything better. :)

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@Cam Adair
I agree! Also, I like the fact, that the translation keeps my mind working. It is a nice task for an hour a day.

Day 80

Short summary:

Sometimes, when you think everything is just fine, bad stuff hits you from behind! Let's keep it short here: I have the flu and a herniated disc. I can barely cough because my back hurts whenever I move. That sucks. It kind of does. But on the other hand, I have been through worse. Though, it keeps me from being truly productive.

The rest of my life is ... fine. I launched my website and such. It is far from finished, but for me this is a work in progress thingy. If anybody does like to check it out, you can find it on http://robertarctor.com

Oh, I forgot to mention: It is in German. ;)

I am grateful for:

  • My chosen family. That involves my girlfriend and my dog.
  • The GQ community. I love you weird internet people. (:
  • Generally being in good health. Not like right now, but yeah ... in general.

What went well today:

  • I worked on my writing stuff.
  • I took a shower even though I can barely move.

Witness the fitness:

  • No fitness program while being sick.

What I could have done to make my day better:

  • The day was fine for what it was worth.

Weekly goals and progress:

  • Additional blog posts [0/1]
    • Completion of the e-book "Der Schirm" [0/1]
      • Completion of the chapters [4/6]
  • Cooked dinners / Prepared meals [1/3]
  • Learn a new recipe [1/1]
    • Learned "Indonesian chili-peanut sauce"
  • Complete 15 translated pages of the "Respawn" script [0/15]

It is not a real goal, but I wish to get better soon.

Monthly goals and progress:

  • Create 4 audio files for the YouTube channel [0/4]
  • Write 4 new scripts for new content [1/4]
  • Paint the notebook [0/1]
  • Translate the entire "Respawn" script [0/1]
    • Translated pages [15/68]
  • Spend 3 days in the city among the regular people [0/3]

 

Photo appendix

Indonesian chili-peanut sauce with ginger, onions, garlic, crushed peanuts, lemon juice, coconut milk

 

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Die Seite sieht super aus und mir gefällt die 80er Jahre Optik auch wenn das pink nicht unbedingt mein style ist :) Deine Stimme ist auch ziemlich cool für Hörbucher. Klingt super.

Ich würde aber an deiner Stelle deine Bücher nicht Schundbücher und Krempel nennen. Lass doch die Leute die sich auf die Seite verirren die Qualität der Bücher beurteilen anstatt die Erwartung im Voraus herab zu setzen. Das macht es nicht gerade attraktiv sie sich tatsächlich anzuschauen. Du musst sie ja auch nicht anwerben aber einfach neutral beschreiben scheint mir sinniger.

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Die Seite sieht super aus und mir gefällt die 80er Jahre Optik auch wenn das pink nicht unbedingt mein style ist :) Deine Stimme ist auch ziemlich cool für Hörbucher. Klingt super.

Ich würde aber an deiner Stelle deine Bücher nicht Schundbücher und Krempel nennen. Lass doch die Leute die sich auf die Seite verirren die Qualität der Bücher beurteilen anstatt die Erwartung im Voraus herab zu setzen. Das macht es nicht gerade attraktiv sie sich tatsächlich anzuschauen. Du musst sie ja auch nicht anwerben aber einfach neutral beschreiben scheint mir sinniger.

Du hast total recht. Der einzige Grund, warum ich es so nenne ist, weil ich versuche authentisch zu bleiben. Und ich schreibe so, wie ich rede. ^.^ Deswegen hab ich es so genannt. Weil ich auch so darüber rede. Aber ich werde darüber nachdenken, denn irgendwo hast du halt wirklich recht.

Und danke für die netten Komplimente! Ich freue mich immer über Feedback jeglicher Art.

@Cam Adair

Thanks, bro. I really appreciate any kind of feedback. (:

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Day 81

Short summary:

Well, my back injury keeps getting better, as well as my flu. I am still sick, but I am on a good path.

My day was really nice. The weather was pretty gloomy, which was fine. Staying inside can be nice and relaxing and since my girlfriend and I bought a board game, we had a lot of fun. We listened to classical music and played "Carcassonne". The hours just went by and I liked that, since we talked the whole time. It was way more ... completing than gaming.

Aside from that, I am working on my stuff and my website. I am still unsure about whether I want to add a Vlog or not. I am not really into vlogging, but I like the idea of talking to people, even though I am not really talking to anybody. Like I said, still unsure about it.

Also, I am planning on "rewarding myself" when I hit the 90 days mark. I thought about buying a new camera, but that is another thing I am unsure about. Because, not gaming and investing time in other things and actually seeing progress is a great reward itself. But I feel that after 90 days of struggle, cravings, ups and downs, I might make myself a gift. Anybody any ideas on that topic?

I am grateful for:

  • My life in general. I feel that life can be grand at times.

What went well today:

  • Boardgaming!
  • My injury keeps getting better day by day.

Witness the fitness:

  • No fitness program while being sick.

What I could have done to make my day better:

  • Not smoke. I smoked like 3 cigarettes today. After many days of not smoking. I will work on that!

Weekly goals and progress:

  • Additional blog posts [0/1]
    • Completion of the e-book "Der Schirm" [0/1]
      • Completion of the chapters [4/6]
  • Cooked dinners / Prepared meals [1/3]
  • Complete 15 translated pages of the "Respawn" script [0/15]

It is not a real goal, but I wish to get better soon.

Monthly goals and progress:

  • Create 4 audio files for the YouTube channel [0/4]
  • Write 4 new scripts for new content [1/4]
  • Paint the notebook [0/1]
  • Translate the entire "Respawn" script [0/1]
    • Translated pages [15/68]
  • Spend 3 days in the city among the regular people [0/3]

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Also, I am planning on "rewarding myself" when I hit the 90 days mark. I thought about buying a new camera, but that is another thing I am unsure about. Because, not gaming and investing time in other things and actually seeing progress is a great reward itself. But I feel that after 90 days of struggle, cravings, ups and downs, I might make myself a gift. Anybody any ideas on that topic?

 Rewarding yourself is fine! Sometimes that's motivating for me, even if it's trivial. More thoughts here.

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Day 83

Short summary:

Getting better day by day. I finished my first little E-Book today. A summary of a few essays about "The Screen". It feels good to be done with it for now, so that I can commit myself to other projects. The thing will be published tomorrow.

That is basically it. I worked all day to figure out how to create a decent E-Book and such.

Can't wait until winter ends. I feel way better in the summer. I love the sun and the smell of fresh, warm dirt, grass and so on.

Also, I decided to go with what Cam said. You know, in the old days, I would have bought me a new game or PC hardware. Now I am going to treat myself with a new camera. That is good, because I will use it for other things than gaming. Like film-making. I am really into short films and stories. So a camera that can actually record videos will be a great tool to expand in those fields of "work". Although the package will most likely arrive a couple of days before I hit the 90 days mark, I will wait and not open it until this detox is through.

In addition to that, I believe I should mention that I thought about how I could implement a slight dose of gaming into my daily live. Like gaming on Sunday for 2 hours. But I feel that deep inside me, there is a feeling that keeps growing. And that feeling is ... well ... the more I live without games, the less I feel attracted to them. Even though I thought about implementing them again, I don't feel like I will do that. Without any pressure. It is like ... I don't need them anymore. I like that. I really do like that.

I am grateful for:

  • Physical health.
  • 75% mental health.
  • My life.
  • My Dog.
  • My girlfriend.
  • My friends.
  • Wine.
  • You. (This list is not sorted by value or importance. You are seriously my favorite and you know it!)

What went well today:

  • Creating the E-Book and adding it to my website.
  • My injury keeps getting better day by day.

Witness the fitness:

  • No fitness program while being sick.

What I could have done to make my day better:

  • I should communicate more and in a better way. I told my girlfriend that her desire to clean the floor annoys me. That was not nice. It was honest, but not nice. It happened while I was working and she used the broom to clean up around me. Everybody who is sensitive while working knows that this is a deal-breaker. I need silence, peace and light to work. If any of these is corrupted by anything, I will turn into a horrible person. So I should have told her not to break my silence in a more ... civilized way.

Weekly goals and progress:

  • Additional blog posts [1/1]
    • Completion of the e-book "Der Schirm" [1/1]
  • Cooked dinners / Prepared meals [2/3]
    • Made veggie burgers and veggie hot dogs. Yummy!
  • Complete 15 translated pages of the "Respawn" script [0/15]

Monthly goals and progress:

  • Create 4 audio files for the YouTube channel [0/4]
  • Write 4 new scripts for new content [1/4]
  • Paint the notebook [0/1]
  • Translate the entire "Respawn" script [0/1]
    • Translated pages [15/68]
  • Spend 3 days in the city among the regular people [0/3]

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Congrats on your first ebook! You obviously have a talent on writing and it is good you're putting it on good use!

On a side note, I love the new magenta on your journal!

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Day 87

Short summary:

So, where to begin? Well, it seems that I sell original soviet cereals now, right? Kinda. Let me explain:

I could not sleep for two days. This fact alone turns me into a lunatic, I guess. But there is more. I purchased a special kind of software a few weeks ago. Final Draft, the screenwriting software. I wrote a lot. But the last two nights, my mind was occupied with a project I started months ago. "Mr. Baffi". "Baffi" translates into "mustache". In short words: It is a short movie. I wrote a script for a short movie. A soft, german comedy.

"Russian cereals" is a gimmick that I need for the movie. I am currently planning on making a trailer for the movie. My plan is to create a fake virtual identity for my movie. I will create a trailer and will share it on YouTube. It will look like a regular movie trailer, when I am done. And I will pretend that it is an existing movie trailer. If it gets the attention that I need, I will suggest it to a few german film studios and see if they like it.

Okay, so I had a couple glasses o' wine. Who cares? What matters to me is that I wanted to make a living with my writing, so why not implement screenwriting as well? I spent the whole day writing scenes and creating images for my storyboard. "Russian cereals" is one of those. My protagonist will find a gimmick inside a "russian cereals" cardboard box. A fake mustache. This will make him create an alter ego. And from there, the movie unfolds.

Even if I fail, it won't matter. Because I am focusing on expansion. I want to learn, get used to and understand. I want to get one step further. And even if my initial goal will be a failure, I will get my step. I will learn how to plan a movie scene. I will get used to writing every day. I will understand how to create a movie scene. THIS is my actual goal. One step at a time. That is how we learn. We learn to ride a bicycle by doing it and by failing. One step at a time.

And I will create this thing even if it turns out to be a total bag of

I am grateful for:

  • Wine
  • Cam did not know what spark he created when he said that getting tipsy is the first step to doing something that has not been done before!

What went well today:

  • Planning. I painted multiple scenes for my storyboard.
  • Writing. I wrote multiple yadda yadda.

Witness the fitness:

  • I danced to russian polka. Does not seem to be a fitness program but it should!

What I could have done to make my day better:

  • I Should get out of bed way earlier. But lately, I have massive trouble sleeping. Might be my f*$%§ing neighbors again. I can hear them f$&% every f&$%§%ing night.

Weekly goals and progress:

  • Write a screenplay for the "Dear Mr. Baffi" trailer [0/1]
  • Complete 15 translated pages of the "Respawn" script [0/15]

Monthly goals and progress:

  • Create 1 audio files for the YouTube channel [01]
  • Write 4 new scripts for new content [1/4]
  • Paint the notebook [0/1]
  • Translate the entire "Respawn" script [0/1]
    • Translated pages [15/68]
  • Spend 3 days in the city among the regular people [0/3]

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Also, I changed some of my avatars. I believe that I should stop hiding behind images that do not show me, but instead be proud of who I am. When I quit gaming, I stopped following a predetermined, lineal path. A path that leads to a fixed, fake ending. I choose my own path. I live my own life. I am the one that creates, picks up and finishes the quests. This is my life and I will not take a compromised version of it. I choose. I am. I live!

Edit: Okay. Just for the record: I am not trying to copy Cam. I really like suits. That's all there is to say.

 

 

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Those photos look really professional and I think it is a big step to show your real profile in the internet. That makes you way more authentic but also prone to attacks.

But hey: I also changed my profile picture into a photo of myself ;-)

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Day 89

Short summary:

This is the last day before I finish my 90 day detox. I feel strange. Due to the fact that my girlfriend and I were sick for about 2 weeks, parts of my procrastinational(?) behaviour came back. If you do not do it on a regular basis, it will always be tough work. That is what I learned.

The day itself was nice. I got to meet a new neighbor (we have like 2 new parties in the house now) and she has a dog. Our dogs seem to like each other, that is really cool since my little Hiro often has trouble finding new friends. It is nice to know that the new people in the house are friendly human beings. If you read my journal, you will notice that I tend to have a hard time with some of my neighbors.

While I feel like I am a little behind on my schedule for my writings, I have made great progress today. I wrote one complete article that I will have to edit, format and record. I always feel kind of mentally refreshed whenever I finish an article. The feeling of finishing something is great in itself. That leads to another topic: I have to go through my projects again and sort them out. I tend to have many, many, many new ideas which is good, but not if you begin every idea and cannot finish a single one. So I have to rearrange my current goals to be more productive. It seems to be a traditional habit, though. Because 2 weeks ago, the city construction workers teared up a huge part of the sidewalk and ever since, nothing happened. It is a construction side that could have been finished within 2 days but now ... it is just an obstacle for people. I feel the same way when it comes to my work. Business I cannot finish is an obstacle in my head and on my desk.

Regarding this last day of my detox, I feel very strange. I mean ... 3 months ... it sure does not feel like 3 months. And deep down inside, I know that this episode has a "to be continued" at the end of it. I already know that I have to continue doing this. I know that I have to continue improving. This detox was what it was: A detox. The prelude for the actual play. It seems like now is the time, when the real thing starts. Not sure if any of this makes any sense, but I will try to recap my detox in a video I am working on.

I am grateful for:

  • My mind
  • My life
  • My girlfriend
  • My dog
  • Peace, which is more than just the absence of war

What went well today:

  • I wrote a new article for my blog
  • Got to know the neighbor and her dog

Witness the fitness:

  • Nothing yet but the day isn't over until it is over

What I could have done to make my day better:

  • Less YouTubing. More focused work. Less breaks between the working times.

Weekly goals and progress:

  • Write a screenplay for the "Dear Mr. Baffi" trailer [0/1]
  • Complete 15 translated pages of the "Respawn" script [0/15]
  • Was no initial goal but should have been: Write 1 new article [1/1]

Monthly goals and progress:

  • Create 1 audio files for the YouTube channel [01]
  • Write 4 new scripts for new content [2/4]
  • Paint the notebook [0/1]
  • Translate the entire "Respawn" script [0/1]
    • Translated pages [15/68]
  • Spend 3 days in the city among the regular people [0/3]

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Day 90!

Summary:

So, the day has come. Day 90 of 90 days of a personal gaming detox. What do I have to say? Well for starters, I am not sure. It has been a tough ride.

First of all, I want to show my gratitude to Cam, who created this site and ignited a spark in many fellows. In a time, where we are supposed to consume, where it is so easy and comfortable to just fade away in a virtual world, without leaving any proof of our existence, he showed me and many others, that the predetermined way is not the only option. So, thank you Cam.

You might know the story of the Pied Piper, who came to town and led away all the children with his stilling tune, leading them all into oblivion. Well, every story, even the ancient ones, have at least two points of view. While the people of the town witnessed the Piper, pulling away the youth, they labeled him the evil in this world. But halt, there is more to this. The view of the young people who have been pulled away is quite different. In a world, where everything is focused on consumption, a soul needs a safe place to expand. The Piper, with no bad intentions, led away the youngsters and showed them a world that grants exactly what they needed. A space, large as necessary, to unfold.

Pretty dramatic, right? I know. But if you think about it; if you remember the reactions of your fellow internet folks, you will notice, that they smiled at you in contempt, when you left the world you once loved so much. What seems to be pure evil and idiocy to one, might be redemption to others.

When I googled "how to stop gaming" on that lonely night, I took my own life. Figuratively. I pulled the plug on my life, because I knew, it will pull the plug on me. Before I quit gaming, I felt lost, exhausted, always tired, mildly happy and heavily forsaken. I grew up with a computer in my room, which turned into my best friend at some point. Where real people were complicated, my computer would always be there to serve me. But in the long run, I began to serve it.

I miss the words to express my eternal gratitude for what Cam has done. Only by lighting up a path that I was unable to see, he saved me. And even if I return to playing all day and all night; even if I give up my chances, my life and my future, I would have to do it entirely conscious. Because now I know what was cloaked. If I give up my life, this time, I know what I do. But as long as there is any energy left, I will try to go my own path. Not the predetermined path.

And with the 90 days of detox, I feel prepared for this path. The detox was highs and lows. It was enthusiasm and depression. I felt like conquering the world and in the next moment I thought I was falling down a 50 stories building. It is tough to not compare my old life to the matrix. Because it is so close to the matrix. Being connected to a device that pretends to show me choices and options, while it silently pre-programmed my decision. An waste of life. That is what I was. A entire waste of life. We do not have to be Christians to understand that life is a one time thing. This makes it precious beyond words. Sitting in front of a screen, drooling, like a machine is a waste of this precious gift.

I believe that in any fellow game quitter lies a potential so great that nobody can summarize it. I believe, that we all are special, creative, smart, gifted. But we wont be able to unfold our specialty as long as we waste away in a fluorescent light, that will make our eyes go blind and turn our skin into greasy dough.

Don't get me wrong. I still continue to work in front of a screen. But today, steam, origin, bigfish... none of that really interests me. I feel disgust when I think about how I wasted years and did not commit myself to any goal, any progress or any measurable sign of life at all. Life happens offline, away from the screen. I know that. I feel that. And now I feel able to fight my way through this harsh environment that is this society. Now I see chances and will not be stopped until I reached them. And even if I fail, I will not go back to benumbing my inner desires. My true desires. Because let us be real for a moment: You do not desire to reach level 30 in a world that will disappear once a guy pulls the plug. You do not desire to be "somebody" in a virtual world, where everybody can be what he wants to be without any need of work. In a world, where being special is handed out to anybody, nobody is special. You will be anybody; anybody will be you. There are no heroes in this world, no interesting people. There are no people in this world. Only souls that slowly dance to a tune nobody can hear anymore because everybody is numbed by the drug they all took in order to get into the dance hall. Nobody desires to be numb all the time. That is like waiting for death without the annoying annoyance of waiting without purpose. I do not desire to be that person and I believe, neither do you.

This place, this forum, is not redemption city. You know that. I know that. You don't sign up and feel relieved of all your bad decisions. We know that. We sign up for the tough work. If this was a game, it would be a survival game. But you know, most survival games out there have one major thing in common: they do not have a goal. Your only goal is to survive. Imagin this: When you signed up, you were this one guy or girl, brave enough to raise his or her hand when the old leader asked if somebody is willing to venture forth to find a place to settle and to recreate society. You were the one human that said: "I am not satisfied with surviving day by day, only to wait for my demise. I will not dwell in this limbo until my soul perishes. I will head out and I will fight my way through this mess that you people are afraid of. I will conquer back what is truly mine and when I disappear, I will leave a legacy behind."
That person, my friend, is you. You and me. We took this step. We spoke the truth. We honestly admitted that were are guilty of the highest sin: Wasting our life. And we decided to change. The 90 day detox is the first step. Now you are prepared. You took all the classes, finished all the lessons and trust me, when you thought this is it, the real stuff only begins.

Be brave. Be great. Be honest. Be noble. Be conscious. Be you. You, my friend, have this under control. This is your life. Your choice. Your consequence. Even if you go out and fail once, twice, three times, everything is better than being numb and never trying.

And rest assured, we are in this together!

 

 

 

Sincerely yours,

 

Robert

 

 

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Congratulations my friend! And very well written.

I like the twist of the Pied Piper, and I agree with the idea you put forth, that every game quitter and every human being is capable of great things. In this modern world people are made out to be numerous, expandable, good-for-nothing, only capable of consuming and doing the repetetive tasks someone tells them to do. Even for me, who prides myself for having an open mind, it's hard to see my neighbour, my friends, the cashier etc changing the world, but when you think about it, why wouldn't they be able to? They have the same qualifications as let's say Julius Ceasar, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King had. 

They only difference is that they have been told they cannot be great, and so they believe in it. 

Sorry for ranting on your journal. :S Again, congratulations! You're on a completely different path now from when you started this detox. We are all on that path, as you said, together. 

Here's to never accepting numbness again!

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