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Regular Robert

21st century Ulysses.

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Congratulations on your third week! You have a strong character, mate.

Also, I heard there are some rental garden, useful for people who live in apartments without a proper yard. But that's in Japan, not sure about it in Germany!

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Congratulations on your third week! You have a strong character, mate.

Also, I heard there are some rental garden, useful for people who live in apartments without a proper yard. But that's in Japan, not sure about it in Germany!

These gardens exists definitely but are pretty expensive and there are often waiting lists (atleast in the area around Stuttgart)

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@hycniejsy
Probably all the great herbs. When I had my garden, I loved to have fresh herbs for my salads. But to the honest, the best thing about having a garden is that feeling of being self-reliant. You grow the stuff you eat. You can or pickle it. You "recycle" it by turning it into compost which will feed your dirt from which you will grow food again. When I looked out and saw the rain, I was happy because I knew that it would water all my plants at the same time. No work for me, just sitting under that roof with a hot tea, listening to music or reading a book. You know, everything makes sense when you are in the "wilderness". Every action serves another action. And you can feel that you are a part of it. It's just great.

@Cam Adair
Thank you, pal! I am happy to be a humble part of this community and I believe I don't need to mention that I love what you created here. ;) I hope to see this project grow. Who knows, may be in like 10 years, when there are tons of studies about how the entertainment industry turns people into powerless, exhausted people, we can say, we were part of the resistance from the first day forth.

@Reno F
You're not mistaken. There are such gardens. I had a rental garden myself. But to be honest, I grew tired of the ... German attitude. If the government does not tell you what to or not to do in your garden, trust me, your elderly neighbor will. When it comes to angry, white old men that lack the feeling of purpose and try to compensate that by telling others what to do, Germany is probably leader of the top list. And it is just no fun if you feel the eyes upon you when you tend your plants. ;) So that's why I gave my garden away. And now that I plan to live my life with more purpose and more movement, I guess it would be good to have the least amount of anchors in my life. So, for now ... no garden for Robert.

 

Day 24:
Well, I will try to make this a quick one, since its pretty late already and yadda, yadda. 

The last three days went really smooth. I do not really know where to start, so I will try to use some keywords, that shall help me get this thing going. Confidence. One of the main feelings I experienced recently was confidence in a variety of situations. I am currently trying a new thing. Whenever I feel that I do not dare to do something that I would actually like to do, I try to stop thinking and just do it. It was great. Seeing that once you enter the door that is labeled "my fears", there is nothing but an empty room with a flickering light and dust on the furniture is great. And it kept me going. Honestly, my feet hurt because I was constantly involved in something.

At some point - I think it was yesterday - it became a real chore. As said, my feet hurt and I could not stop thinking of new stuff that I wanted to do for a long time. I have to actively stop myself from doing or thinking, which feels weird since most of my life, I was being held back. It's really strange, but I know why I do this. So, since I want to keep my head clean and tidy - the inside of my head of course - I expanded and improved my way of keeping track. At first, I had a simple document labeled "daily goals". Inside was a table with the date, the goal and the ✓ or ✘. I realized that this is not sufficient for me to actually keep track of what I want to do. I remembered once of Cam's vids, where he talked about doubling down after the 90 days detox. He said that one should really determine what he wants to achieve. Like exercise for X times a week. That was the part I really liked. Flexibility combined with determination. So I created a weekly goals list as well. This list will just be there as a pool of goals that I can easily implement in my daily schedule. Also, I created a long term goal list in which I set deadlines for myself. Sometimes having a little pressure on a goal can actually help. And last but not least, I created a idea pool list with stuff that I would like to do some time in this life but not tomorrow. Some people - and I am one of them - get easily excited and produce tons of ideas, but can only execute a minority of them. But since one's head should not be occupied storing and trying to remember 12 ideas I might try in 4 years from now, it's cool to have a storage. So, my tracking system is in place and optimized. Love it.

My sleep was not great. Really not great during the last couple of days. But that is because of the full moon. Not sure why, but around the day when there is a full moon, I have extreme troubles at night.

Another positive thing I noticed is my wallet. It's so heavy lately. I would usually buy cigarettes and steam games but now I am left with more money. That's really cool. But to be entirely honest, I tend to spend it on food a lot. I always loved to eat great food and I am currently getting back on that track. So my fridge is stuffed with greenish products. I even went so far, that I wanted to prepare something "special" for my girlfriend. Some nice meal we usually do not have. There was this recipe stuck to a bottle of white wine, which I used as a foundation for the meal I prepared for her: Gratinated goatcheese, served with an apple-date-pine nut-maple syrup sauce, on a bed of salad greens with shallots, sprinkled with apple vinegar and herbs of the Provence. Trust me, I never ate something like that and it was awesome. It wasn't even that hard to make and it was tons of fun. My girlfriend loved it. I'll add some pictures to this entry.
Aside from that, I found some other possibilities to spend some money.

My current project, the basement and the TV show episode are moving slowly, but steadily. Well okay, the basement is good as finished. I just need to buy some shelves, a little paint and such and it's done. But although I totally bragged about having more money ( ;), I am kidding ), this is an arid month. All the purchases for Christmas, Jeeeesus. But yeah, my personal deadline is set for the 5th of December and until then, the basement will be finished.

One thing I might have to be careful about is pinterest. Ever since I have more time, I keep searching for new stuff to do and learn. Recipes, DIY stuff and so on. Pinterest keeps feeding me pictures of the stuff I like. Food, canned food, bicycles, woodwork and so on. This is basically like porn. Everything I would love to do pops up in front of my eyes. While it can be nice to look for a particular recipe or find a new idea, it can also suck somebody into that consumer spiral that I am currently trying to fight. So, if I am going to block pinterest in the future, that's the reason why.

That's basically it for now. I am currently enjoying the free time I have with my girlfriend. It is so great to have her around. Tomorrow will be a great day as well, since we want to tidy up the attic. There is so much old stuff that nobody wants anymore. That will be a good project. Before that, I will go running, while she joins me on her bicycle - rocky style. So much fun.

 

P.S.: One picture shows the joy of gardening, it's old but it reminds me of warm sun rays, fresh air, chili and avocado plants, dirt and how thing and weak I was after surgery. Just look at my pants and shirt. They did not fit anymore. I simply reminds me that life is constant change. I like that. 

 

 

 

 

 

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@Robert Arctor You won't believe me, but the lady I used to teach told me the same thing about the garden where she grow vegetables. The old guys are always bossing her around, telling people what to do and how to do. She is on her 50's but that didn't stop them.

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@hycniejsy
Probably all the great herbs. When I had my garden, I loved to have fresh herbs for my salads. But to the honest, the best thing about having a garden is that feeling of being self-reliant. You grow the stuff you eat. You can or pickle it. You "recycle" it by turning it into compost which will feed your dirt from which you will grow food again. When I looked out and saw the rain, I was happy because I knew that it would water all my plants at the same time. No work for me, just sitting under that roof with a hot tea, listening to music or reading a book. You know, everything makes sense when you are in the "wilderness". Every action serves another action. And you can feel that you are a part of it. It's just great.

Hmm... Do you have any advise for the beginner balcony gardener? :D  

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@Reno F
Oh, I believe it. Sometimes it feels, like we are having an epidemic of frustrated old men seeking powerful positions. Not talking about the situation in the US or something. More locally. People around here tend to be really unfriendly. Always seeking a chance to pick a fight. Of course, this is heavily generalized, but I feel there is a tendency.

@hycniejsy
Since winter is coming, I would say you find something that grows even when it's cold outside. On another note, depending on how far you want to go, you could actually grow potatoes in a barrel. Since you are a scientist, you could probably use them to distill vodka or make some great kopytkas. Best served with fresh mushrooms in dark sauce. Nom. ;)


Day 28:
Robert does not feel well today. Since I picked up writing diary entries on a daily basis, I want to keep that post short once again. (This time for real!) I did not get any sleep last night. All these great ideas of what I want to try out, learn or do keep me awake at night. Underneath that ADD-tunnel-vision-finger-eating-rampage lies a subtle form of frustration. There are several reasons for this frustration. One is, that I keep being re-traumatized. When I visit a doctor, I have to explain my whole history of sicknesses, which is pretty darn much and keeps drawing me back into certain situation. In other situations, when I talk to people, especially people I do not know, they constantly ask why I am 30 and on the brink of nothing at all. lol. One time, I told the girl in the subway that I was in prison for 8 years for illegal wildlife trade. It might sound dumb, but making up that stupid, sarcastic lie is easier than to go back in time and re-experience the whole thing that nearly killed me. Depending on how deep I dive into the situations, I will fall into seizure attacks that endure for up to 30 minutes. That is no fun at all. After such conversations, I could pick up my calendar and strike through the next 20 days because I will be anxious, frustrated, irritated and I will get no sleep. Because when it gets all dark and silent, there is nothing to distract a person from his or her own thoughts. When the world reduces the speed of its spin, memories, doubts and sadness will come knocking. And loneliness will open the door for you. And then, when you stand there at the cold buffet with all your dark, suppressed memories, with all your doubts you tend to ignore most of the times, when Hitler hands you the karaoke mic, life does not feel that great anymore. Everything will take a lot more willpower to even get started. I mean, yeah. Basically, everything is alright, since that is life. Tough work, tough luck and still one continues to live it.

The other thing that keeps bugging me is the fact that I tend to stack my daily goals. The more I am capable of finishing, the more I will set the next day. But, ever since I quit the games, there is no "compensation" to all the work. Sometimes, I reward myself. But a real relaxing activity is still missing in my life. Gaming combined everything. Now that it is gone, my pockets are empty. And all work and no play makes Robert a dull boy. I will figure something out in the future. I believe, time and patience is the essence that I am missing. I did not create a life of joy and fulfillment. I created a life of distraction, irritation and loneliness. Now, right now, I am probably still in the process of painting over the old wallpapers to form a new life, where I do actually find recreation. Everything seems to be in a transition lately. Everything seems to be changing massively. I might be mistaken and it might just be a passing season but to me it feel like everything is changing.

That is basically it for today. I am looking forward to posting a more positive entry. To posting some pictures again. I like taking pictures. I might add one picture of something I found in the attic. I am sorting out a lot of stuff lately, so thing keep... "appearing".

Till the next time... brothers and sisters!

 

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I had the same thoughts a few weeks after I quit. I felt that I spent my days being productive as shit, doing a buttload of stuff every day, bam bam bam, but I didn't have anything to look forward to. I couldn't reward myself with some sweet hours of gaming afterwards. My life felt one-dimensional, and I felt like a robot.

That eventually passed though. It might have been because of the wiring in my brain. It's possible that one does not actually need hours of pure "fun", it's simply because of our fucked up brains. Or maybe it disappeared because I began taking the writing seriously enough. I don't know.

Also: I like reading the darker posts. They might not put a smile on my face, but they let me get a glimpse into another human being, they let me experience a piece of someone else's pain, and that is invaluable. They are also alot more interesting to read (you should still strive for the happy posts though, I'm just saying.)

Wanna end with saying you're not alone. You probably know that already, and you have a girlfiriend that probably provides hella more comfort and consolation than some stranger from the internet, but still. I have a few fucks left to give, and you deserve one of them (please interpret that sentence the right way, lol) :D 

Keep fighting.

Edited by Simon E

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@Simon E
I can totally understand what you mean. It is the darkness that is interesting. I always told myself that I never want to be satisfied or entirely happy. It a a horrible condition for me. We all know that condition. One is happy and totally stupid (which is great, but still). When we are unhappy, there is always this feeling of desire, which shows a direction to go to. Talking to happy people is very often really annoying. (Don't take me too serious.) Luckily, I feel horrible today, so more negative stuff is coming up:

Day 29:
Robert is lost. Kind of. And on Day 29 of my gaming detox and day 15 of my no-smoking detox, I had a little relapse... kind of: I smoked a cigarette. But let's not start in the middle of the story. Let's start where it actually begins.

I slept like crap. Another night riddled with nightmares. Fractured sleep and after waking up, I felt more exhausted than before going to bed. This seems to be a regular thing now. After getting out of bed, the day only got worse. My girlfriend had the day off but instead of having a nice time, we had some issues. My life is changing right now, which is fine. But her life is changing as well. She does not want to continue working her job. That generates tension sometimes. We both are in conditions where every feeling can be unstable. Long story short, I was really pissed and could not stand her. So I walked the dog to get a clear mind. That did not work. The dog is at the end of her "special days". The last ten days, the dog loved everybody. Now, it is the opposite. So instead of getting my mind cleared up, it got worse. Ever since I got up this morning, my right eye lid keeps flickering. It seems to be a sign of being over-stressed. Right now, I would love to live the life of a hermit. Everything annoys me.

Of all my daily goals, I managed to get one done. The easiest one. I successfully procrastinated the rest. But, in my own defense, I did not really procrastinate them really. I feel that I needed my whole mind capacity today. Because, a couple of hours ago, after a long time of thinking, I understood something.
In a different post, I wrote that I am missing relaxing activities. That is still the case. But the "case" is even bigger. I am not only missing relaxing activities. I am missing a whole life, somehow. Today, I deleted my entire wishlist on amazon. I had about 12 lists with a sum of about 120 products. I did not even want them, I just "saved" them. I realized, that this is just a compensation. I am collecting stuff. The same goes for groceries. Ever since I quit gaming, I had this feeling that I need to hoard groceries in the basement. Just in case. I did not do it, but the feeling was and is still there. But why do I want to hoard stuff all of the sudden? And why do I feel like crap? The answer is quite easy and quite absurd at the same time: I lost everything. I know, I know. It is kind of obvious. I stopped to play video games, which I usually did for 16h a day. Thus, I lost everything. Should be easy, right? But it is not that easy.
Since I stopped, I have more time and more money. I don't have enough activities to fill the time and I don't have anything I would really want to buy. That's why I deleted my wish list. Because I clearly know that I do not need that crap I had on there. With the instant gratification of gaming and buying gone, I am left with nothing. See, buying stuff is like gaming. I buy a new car, I grow by the amount of value I tag to this car. I "grow". In reality, I do not grow at all. But when buying stuff, there is this strange feeling, that one made actual progress. I bought a new kitchen table, thus I made progress in my life. But that is not how it works. The same pattern - as we all know - applies to gaming. It applies to gaming, quick sex with strangers, buying stuff, consuming "information" on the internet and so on. There is always this feeling of growing. Of extending. But once the mind understands this pattern, there is no going back. Of course, you can relapse; you can go and buy that third monitor, that new fridge, you can play your game and achieve a new level and such, but your mind now knows that this is just the illusion of actual growth and achievement. You cannot go back. You canNOT go back. Reading this statement and fully understanding it are two different things. I am sitting here and I know that if I boot up my game, I will not enjoy it or will not be able to enjoy it as much as I would like to. Because there is this itch in my mind. This annoying little itch that comes up when I try to fool myself. You see, you can fool yourself. You can. Many people do that on a daily basis. It is quite easy: If you don't know that you fool yourself, you can fool yourself. As long as you do not have proof that you fool yourself, you do not know that you fool yourself. It might be different for other people, but that is how my mind works. So, to not get any proof, you better ignore any information and any experience regarding your issue. As long as you play video games and do not know anything about the consequences, hence ignore what happens in your life, you don't know that you fool yourself.

So, on the brink of day 30, I understood. I am at the point of no return. Just like in the matrix: Once you left it, you cannot go back, because you know, you are inside the matrix. It seems our minds have a certain urge for reality. I cannot go back to gaming and I cannot buy stuff to give myself the feeling of personal extension. That is horrible. (That is the absurd part.) It is horrible and it is great. It is great, because that means that I can fully concentrate on real personal growth. On following my actual goals. And it is horrible, because that means that I have to concentrate on real personal growth. The easy way of living is gone.
In other, more lyrical words: The great emptiness is back. You know, everybody has this great gaping emptiness inside. We all know it. We all fear it somehow. It is this emptiness, that makes us buy shit we don't need or play stuff we don't like. It is that emptiness that makes us pursue a way of life we don't want to live. Just to avoid it. Just to fill it with something so that it shuts the fuck up. Because that is what it does. It stares at us and screams at us. Silent, inaudible, in our minds and in our hearts. And now that I don't want to buy anything and don't want to play anything, I am left with this emptiness. I stare into it and what I see is me staring at me staring into it. It expects something from me. It demands something from me. It demands growth. Because that seems to be the only way to actually silence it. It demands that I learn, experience, feel, connect, improve, extend, understand and love. And now I am left with it, great. Really, really great. No more ways out, no more easy solutions. What lies ahead of me tough work and no more instant gratification. Knowing it and understanding it are, like I said, two different things. It is on the brink of day 30 that I understand that my life will change. An old life will die or is painfully dying right now, a new life awaits being created. Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? But that is the way it is. A part of me is painfully dying right now. I can feel it every day. Sometimes I feel great and the next moment I feel like crap. I feel cravings, I struggle to concentrate and to get something started demands willpower. This is my old life dying. Some people say that your life starts once again when you hit the 30 years mark. That is probably what they mean. And it seems the same goes for the 30 days mark.

So, Robert is left with a new way of life. I am left with a new way of life. Tough work ahead. That does not mean that there is no fun. But "fun" has changed. So, what I do next is that I clean up, once again. I did that before, but with a different mindset. At first, I got rid of all the real bad crap. Now I need and want to get rid of the stuff, that I do not want to pursue. There are thing that I am interested in. And there are things that I think I am interested in. The latter have to go to make room for the real stuff. Less stuff means less stuff to tend, secure, sort and so on. The more I get rid of, the more I am free to do. So, as said, that is the next step. I will get rid of all the unnecessary luggage, to make my journey even possible. After and while I do that, I will further pursue my actual goals.

After understanding all that, which was a lot for me, I wanted to smoke a cigarette. I did that. It did not taste too great, nor too bad. But I felt that it is not what I want and I LOVED that feeling. I loved to know that I cannot go back easily. So, this horrible day had some bright moments, even though they were horrible as well. But it is way easier to see the light when you are surrounded by darkness. While being surrounded by colorful lights of any kind - imagine Tokyo at night - it is hard to tell which light to follow to get to the lamppost that is your goal.

That's it for now. I did not play any video game and I do not want to. Sadly, there is no photo to post today. Just imagine a grown man sitting in the bathtub, staring blankly at the white tiles in front of him. That man is probably me.
 

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You struggle and your midn is changing. This takes time. If you hang in there and so what you do you will come out stronger and there will be times where thigns are easier again.

PS:I have to say that I really admire your writing. That intensity you put into words could be straight out of a novel.

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@hycniejsy
Since winter is coming, I would say you find something that grows even when it's cold outside. On another note, depending on how far you want to go, you could actually grow potatoes in a barrel. Since you are a scientist, you could probably use them to distill vodka or make some great kopytkas. Best served with fresh mushrooms in dark sauce. Nom. ;)

Whoa, I didn't know that I can distill vodka from potatoes. :D  Btw. I've heard that brewing my own alcohol is illegal in Poland.

Anyways, kopytkas (In Poland we say just kopytka and this is plural) are super-awesome! I should try that out, but is there anything that I can harvest without the whole barrel? Can I plant e.g. garlic, or something like that? ;)

Or maybe you have any advice on the smaller winter plants that can be turned into healthy and fresh food?

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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@hycniejsy
To be honest, I never tried to grow edible plants on my balcony. Except for herbs. The problem I see is that a) it would take a long, long time until you can harvest. Garlic for example can be harvested in the summer. And b) when you grow plants in a pot, you need to use fertilizer, otherwise the nutrients in the dirt will be eaten up in no time and the plant wont be able to grow anymore. When using fertilizer for edible plants, I would be careful to use biological, soft fertilizer. I mean, you could also use chemical bombs, but you are planning to turn it into food, so... ;) If you are new to growing stuff, I would suggest to just try out various plants. Not a single one. If you have 4 pots, plant different plants. Right now, I would suggest to grow them inside first, since your apartment should be warm and bright. When the plant is matured, place them outside. Otherwise, try to start with herbs. They are really easy to tend. Try rosemary for example. It should be able to withstand the cold temperature outside.

@All the others
Thanks for the support. Right now, I can really feel that I am changing and damn, that is exhausting. Instead of cravings, I have to deal with a lot of nostalgia. My thoughts keep dragging me back to my childhood and my childhood games. I think that is part of the process.

 

Day 30-31:
Slow days. Tough days. Rough days. There is much going on inside right now, but not very much outside. I am missing energy to really make steps worth mentioning. As said, I am thinking a lot, feeling a lot. That is what keeps me busy right now. Still, I am trying to motivate myself, which is not too easy. I will stay on the track and I try to focus on my projects.

Right now, there are 2 projects I am running. I mentioned that earlier, but I'll mention it again anyway: The basement and an episode of a fictive TV series. The basement is good as done and looks really nice. In about 4 days, I will buy paint and wood and add the last "touch" to it. The episode is not going too well. I have 9 pages, that is all. But I said it before: I will not be disappointed with me if I do not succeed. Every step I take is good and sometimes progress grows slowly. For now, I think I will just try to rest and get some sleep soon. My nights are horrible. There will be better times. Sometimes, you just gotta fight your way through the dark times, I guess.

The lack of sunlight is always a problem for me in the winter times. :(

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@hycniejsy
To be honest, I never tried to grow edible plants on my balcony. Except for herbs. The problem I see is that a) it would take a long, long time until you can harvest. Garlic for example can be harvested in the summer. And b) when you grow plants in a pot, you need to use fertilizer, otherwise the nutrients in the dirt will be eaten up in no time and the plant wont be able to grow anymore. When using fertilizer for edible plants, I would be careful to use biological, soft fertilizer. I mean, you could also use chemical bombs, but you are planning to turn it into food, so... ;) If you are new to growing stuff, I would suggest to just try out various plants. Not a single one. If you have 4 pots, plant different plants. Right now, I would suggest to grow them inside first, since your apartment should be warm and bright. When the plant is matured, place them outside. Otherwise, try to start with herbs. They are really easy to tend. Try rosemary for example. It should be able to withstand the cold temperature outside.

Hmm, I'll try out more of it during the end of the December, I'm gonna have a winter break from university, then I'll manage to have more time for stuff like that.

Thanks for all advices on gardening, man! I'll come back to this next month! :)

Are you taking Vitamin D to help with the lack of sunlight? I take 5000IU/day - helps a lot.

Confirmed by Mad Pharmacist!

You can take Vitamin D3 (I think that our climats are very similar, so I'll say how it looks in Poland) from the end of October until the end of April! :)

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Day 32 - 36:

Long time no see

Roberts been busy lately. The first days were horrible. Bad sleep. Bad days. Tired, cravings. But yesterday, that changed again. Ever since yesterday, I feel like making progress again. I have not been writing, because ... I dunno, blockade. But I found ways to bypass that blockade. I understood, that no matter HOW I work with my writings, it keeps motivating me. So I discussed ideas with a friend, an aspiring filmmaker and we discussed the option of me speaking the voice overs for his mini-docus. In return, he will produce the pictures for some of my short-texts. I wrote one great text a few days ago and did not really realize how good it actually was. After that, the avalanche broke loose. I wrote, had new ideas and was really motivated.

One really interesting fact I noticed: Whenever I work on my stuff, I feel confident. When I feel confident, people treat me differently. Even my dog obeys like a good soldier when I am confident. Dogs quickly feel whether a human is confident or not. So, good stuff. Great stuff.

If ze germanz in ze forum are interested in a few examples of text, I will gladly share a few phrases on this board. If not, that is okay as well.

Right now, I cannot really write a lot into my journal, because I am kind of enjoying the progress I make. Which is, to be honest, a great thing. Sometimes it is good to be out of words, I guess. Oh, also: I love to cook. Not always, but from time to time. Brace yourselves for a few pics. I can only recommend that to anybody. If you are on your detox, cook your own food. And invest some love into your cooking. It pays off.

Robert - out.

 

P.S.: In the appendix: Tortellini with tomato-onion sauce. Banana-Pancakes with nothing but bananas, eggs and baking soda. Banana-pineapple-coconut cream-smoothie.

 

 

 

 

 

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After watching Cam's "Take dumb action" video, I thought I might take some dumb action. Within 30 minutes I wrote a text, made a "video" and uploaded it to YouTube. Brace yourselves, this text is in German. For everybody who wants to get an idea of how I write, well ...

... I had a few glasses of wine. Gettin' tipsy and such. Ah, who cares. Listen to it or don't. ;)

https://youtu.be/GC-Dmv-VICo

 

You should write something in English too sometime! So that all we inferior, non-Germans can take part of your writings aswell :D I would be interested. 

Simon, I promise to do that at some point. But right now, I believe my level of English is inferior. So, grant me some time to improve. :P Also, that might sound a little off track but: You wrote "aswell". That is how I would write it "aswell", but I am constantly being harassed by the correction tool that it is spelled "as well". Now, I would bet that I learned it like you wrote it, but the auto-correct keeps bugging me. I wonder, is there a difference in British and American English? I know, I could google that but ... I like old-school conversations.

 

Edit: I just realized, this is my first "real" YouTube video. Give me a "Woohoo" if you you fell like doing it. ;)

Edited by Robert Arctor

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Day 37 - 40:

Well, where to start. Last time I wrote that I feel the need of relaxation. That is still the case. I feel very stressed for weeks probably. But I believe that is has not only to do with the gaming detox, but other factors matter as well. For example, I tend to repress feelings. Doesn't matter whether a feeling is good or bad, I repress it if it does not feel "appropriate". I noticed that I am really anxious lately, which shows me that the level of suppression reaches a point where I have to vent some of the feelings. I never learned to do that. When I was a kid, everything was forbidden in my family. You could not be happy, nor sad, nor anything else. So venting feelings is not a thing I am good at, while it is quite important.So, that is a huge thing I need to work on in the future.

Talking about relaxing activities: I found a couple of new activities that I really like. I already said that I began to love cooking but it goes even further. I like to make my own (ice)tea, to preserve food and to mix smoothies. I like to create my own stuff and working with food is a great way to do that.

Creating stuff. Writing. I am working on that as well, but I feel that it is a drag on one day and a blast on another day. This might be caused by the repressed feelings, too. Also, I feel that my ability to concentrate seems to be on an all time low level, if not rock bottom. I can hardly read a couple of connected sentences, not even speaking about writing them. This here, this right now, is a drag, too. Because of this lack of focus.
A thing I noticed is that I do not have "rests". Like, I rest when I go to bed and whether I sleep well or not is a game of dices. So, sometimes I rest at night, sometimes I don't. This might be a thing to consider. I might have to create breaks during my daily routines. Like, just for a few minutes. Just to be able to lie down for a moment and reflect how I feel inside. I think that I really miss breaks like these.

The Christmas time is another thing that keeps bugging me. Ever since I was a kid, Christmas was a time of arguments, fights, aggression and so on. So I never really linked something good to Christmas. That means, every year when "it begins", I start to feel nervous and uncomfortable. Right now, like ... right now is a real hard time in this detox. Because right now, when I feel strange and not confident, right now when it is dark and cold outside, I really miss playing games. Deep down inside, I know that playing games would not change anything at all. Nothing would be better. I would not feel better. But somehow, I still miss it right now.

Another thing I tried is this YouTube thing. I am not really into YouTube and I do not plan to make a "real channel". But I talked to a friend about my writing and I told him that I feel the need to "test" it. To show it to somebody and see what happens. You know, when you create stuff, at some point you have to share it with somebody. Like, let it go into the world and see what happens afterwards. See how you react to criticism. See how people react to what you express. At some point, I feel I have to. So he said, I should publish a couple of words somewhere. Like on YouTube. So, after I watched Cam's video about taking dumb action, I thought that I should really give it a go. I do not plan to invest too much into it, but it is a way to show what I tend to do. A tiny step.
We also discussed a different topic: He showed me a university where you can study script-writing, directing and acting. So, we joked around and in the end we decided to apply for this thingy. Just for fun. To see what happens. If they approve and let us study, well ... we can study. I mean, why not? It is a good direction.

I think that's it for today. I hope I will be able to post a few photos again. I always liked to post photos. To look back to these days when I first made this or that. It is a nice way to remember the feeling.

Alright, for now: Robert - out.

 

P.S.: Found one photo to post. Preserved ginger (gari) for sushi. Made three of those jars. First time I pickled something.

 

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Day 41:

Dear future Bob, it was the usual Sunday with the flu. Well, no. It was totally different.

Today I cooked another meal I wanted to try. You will see more of it below in the picture. Baked goat-cheese again. This time with walnuts, cashews, sliced almonds in a dried cranberries sauce made of raspberry jam, raspberry syrup, maple syrup, apple vinegar. All served on a bed of red-beets with baked onions and a raspberry vinaigrette. Tomorrow will be sushi day. I am looking forward to it! I love sushi and I love to prepare food.

Also, I read a lot about this whole Facebook and YouTube stuff and I created my first page. It is not done, yet and I really need to get used to the formats and all, but I really enjoy publishing my written and voiced stuff that way. I don't plan to become a YouTuber, but this way I can begin somewhere.

If any of ze German guys around here want to take a look, this is the link to the Facebook-site: https://www.facebook.com/Robert-Arctor-723704911064761/ I hope that's okay. If posting links of that kind is not well received, I will delete it.

I look forward to work on my writings again and I am happy to have a new PC soon. After punching my notebook way too often during the last years, it is time to get a new office PC.

On another note: I struggled with cravings a lot during the past days. But today, there was no feeling, no desire to play a game AT ALL. I blame the creative work. It was fun and somehow entertaining. I believe that if I expand that creative work in the future, it will be way easier to avoid cravings or the usual 2hrs YouTube sessions of watching random videos.

For now, that's it. Robert - out.

 

 

 

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Hey I will check your stuff out if I have some free time. Nice Job getting out there. Did you giv Meditation a try yet? headspace.com gives you 10 times 10minutes of free guided Meditation. i really enjoy using it so this could be something for you too.

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