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Day 57:

What I did today:

  • Woke up from night shift.
  • Did some christmas shopping
  • Went to volleyball and got connected with some people.
  • Went rock climbing after.

What I'm grateful for:

  • going volleyball, despite this annoying guy there. And still meeting some new people, but the only thing is that that annoying guy is kind of their leader. I might not stick around this social circle for too long. Since the one dictating the relationships dynamics is someone that has a prejudice against me.
  • feeling tired but still getting out there and being around people, despite feeling sick/down.
  • Tomorrow being a new day and another chance to renew my thoughts and plans.



Edited by Tatu92
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Thanks for the reminder Cam! 

I was blaming that guy for a lot of things, largely because he was the leader and also because he kept me from joining the group out to dinner. That was a little bit of a dick move.

Let's see... I learned:

  • It hurts when other people talk about you under their breathe, snidely. It's important to adopt a habit of only speaking good about other people, otherwise keep my mouth shut. It doesn't really help to blame others about things that I don't particularly like, and it cultivates a lot of negativity. 
  • Being a leader means taking responsibility (it may mean doing more work than others) in making things happen. BUT.... it's important not to be domineering. I can see this in myself in the same way, in that when people are of a different skill set, the one of more competence may get frustrated at the one with less. This is where I have to be compassionate because I am relatively less competent than other people as well. 

That's the main lessons. Thanks for reminding me to learn from this Cam!

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Awesome, great work reflecting on this. Usually the flaws we see in others are flaws we see in ourselves, so it's only a projection of our own insecurities that we are experiencing in them. Reflecting on this allows us to learn and take responsibility for how we show up ourselves. :)

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Day 58:

What I did today:

  • Got coffee and went to the mall to buy some energy bars and sports tape for my injured thumb
  • Went off to play volleyball for 4 hours.

what I'm grateful for:

  • I'm grateful for a really good/ fun volleyball session today. The nice people, and great energy
  • Driving my car today was really nice. 
  • Watching this anime today that sparked inspiration :D


I've been thinking a lot lately. And it's been about this advice I got from this guy, about boundaries. I learned what I had to learn from it, which was to not be "nice". Actually, it did help. Because all this time I've noticed when people were demeaning but I would just ignore it or turn the other cheek. He basically taught me to fight back, and don't ignore it when people put me down. And that the "nice" I've been doing is a covert contract. I do it with girls as well, most noticeably. I'm just so excited sometimes, and can't help being nice to the girls I'm attracted to. I don't whole heartedly expect them to like me back, and to some degree I am being nice because I feel all warm thinking about them. 

But anyway, what I've been struggling with lately is his advice to adopt a mildly aggressive look. I think there's some merit to it. Like, recognizing the masculine energy in me, which can come up as "destructive", and usually avoided because it seems " bad". But at the same time, can't be the "pissed off guy" all the time. 


Agh... just thinking...



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But anyway, what I've been struggling with lately is his advice to adopt a mildly aggressive look. I think there's some merit to it. Like, recognizing the masculine energy in me, which can come up as "destructive", and usually avoided because it seems " bad". But at the same time, can't be the "pissed off guy" all the time.

I notice a lot of the younger players that have been playing most of their lives struggle with this.  While I consistently have to struggle to shut my mouth. :D


Edited by dandielionous
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Hey Cam, I'm listening to his podcasts. 

And dandelionous yup I definitely struggle with that.

Day 59:

What I did today:

  • 1.5 hour hot yoga.
  • more christmas shopping
  • chilled with my sister for a bit.
  • Gym with the new friend I met from volleyball.

What I am grateful for:

  • I am grateful for noticing when I did not do what I wanted to do today. I already ate dinner, but still went to buy dinner with the new friend just cuz I wanted to chat more. It was a learning lesson in opening my mind to my options. I could have gone with him, just to hang out. Or could have left saying my intention to keep hanging out. 
  • Cleaning my room, doing my laundry, and grooming my face today. 
  • I initially thought I signed up for only 1 hour of hot yoga. But when I got there the lady said "welcome to the 90 minute class". I was caught off guard because the 90 minute class is very hard. But after doing it, I had an inner smile :). All the feeling-good chemicals in my body were just bursting. 


Let's see.. Where am I now... I have only partially listened to the 3rd beyond cast. I'm about half way through it. 

I am thinking of dropping rock climbing off of my activities list. Although it was a fun experience, it is not something I am absolutely thrilled about continuing. I got to meet some new friends there, but if I continue to go there just because of that I wouldn't be living true to myself. There are definitely great opportunities there, especially in cultivating the new relationships with the social circle that goes there. But that social circle is mostly made up of guys. And  they play games, and some don't have jobs. So they're not really great candidates for nurturing relationships with, 

In terms of volleyball, I love it. It's here to stay. I go to these drop in classes in North York (1 hour away), once a week. It's worth it staying there, I'm getting to know the people. There may be some potential friendships there, but a little less likely because they are further away. 

Through my close friend from that invited me rock climbing, he also invited me to a volleyball league near my area. This group is a nice welcoming group. The only issue is that their "leader" does not seem to like me. And I don't seem to like him. Maybe we got off the wrong foot. But it continues to present a very stifling environment. Since he likes to control how everyone plays, it can feel stifling. He also likes to control my participation in the group. Which will be a little troubling to deal with. I'm not particularly sold on sticking around. Although there are some interesting people in this group, it may prove to be detrimental in my growth as a person - seeing as how this leader may constantly put me down, I see it as something that may affect me over time. Just feels heavy being around him. 

I signed up for a league that clashes in scheduled time against the previous volleyball league mentioned. This presents two options. One is to stick to the current group which has a pre-existing social circle. One that goes out for dinner after games, and spends time together. On the other hand, I can join this new league and it will present a new set of people - and unknown dynamics. 

My current opinions are as follows: drop rock climbing. continue with new league coming up, and perhaps drop the current league with social circle. and continue to go to the North York drop-in volleyball games as I see fit. 

This will end up in me spending less time with the current social circles that exist. But will present new situations.

Am I running away from my problems? Or am I moving forward? - I'm intending to move forwards. The unmentioned goal being to find a social circle or new friends that present a light-hearted dynamic, and that is also welcoming/ accepting of me. 








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Thanks Mario!

Man, for some reason, I've been getting cravings to play Dota again. I keep thinking that there'll have been loads of updates and that the game would be so much better now. I keep wanting to check the website, but have managed to avoid it. 

Despite taking so much action in the past few month, lately I've been feeling a lull. I think that may be way I'm craving, and also that it's cold outside these days. 



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Stay strong man. These urges will pass. Maybe it is time to think proactively what goals you want to achieve in the next 6months and write them down. This always gives me a sense of purpose in being proactive. Interesting aspects for goals can be health, finances, relationships, self-improvement, knowledge, skills etc... Just think of some cool stuff you want to have/be able to do and set a 6month goals for it! To give you two examples of my goals: 

1)physical goal: I want to be able to make a free handstand for 15sek in 6months.

2) financial goal I want to find a good paying( >35k €) full time job where I can improve my knowledge base.

If I see the choice of me going back to dota and spending 20+hours a week on it and me fokussing on my goals and beeing a self reliant provider with a  great body the choice is easy :) Ofc this is very simplified but I think these sort of goals help a lot to put things into perspective.

Finishing the detox is proving yourself that you can stay to your own word. You can do that.

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Day 60:

Hey Mario! Thanks for your support man! I definitely need to re-focus on my goals. I'm gonna go to night shift right now, but I'll make sure to re-read your advice.

What I did today:

  • Woke up around 12 pm. 
  • Slept again to prepare for night shift.

What I'm grateful for:

  • Mario's advice.
  • Dr. Glover podcasts.
  • I got paid today :D


Just a quick journal today, gotta run. I'll be working on my goals over the holidays. Thanks for now.


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Hey Tatu, I just wanted to let you know that you seriously inspire me bro. You're going out there, trying new things, and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. You're doing it right, and if you keep on this path I bet you're going to see some serious dividends paying off in the near future. Also, I can completely relate to the situation you're running into with your volleyball group. I recently had a similarly difficult situation with the main social activity I've been taking part in (ballroom dancing). It's not fun, but going through that situation has taught me some incredibly valuable lessons, made me much stronger emotionally, and gave me a chance to stand up for my own character. I hope the same for you.

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@dandielionous - Thanks for the congratulations!

@Pierce - Thanks for your compliment Pierce! I really am trying my best, so thanks for noticing. And thank you for sharing your experience!


Lately I've noticed myself in victim-mentality quite a bit, especially in work. In fact I've been spending quite a bit of time complaining instead of getting to work on what I want. I think it's a good thing that I caught myself, because it's been building up quite  a bit. And now that I caught myself I'll make the necessary adjustments.



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Day 61:

What I did today:

  • Woke up from night shift
  • Hit on 1 girl today :D. She unfortunately said she had a BF. 

What I'm grateful for:

  • Hitting on that girl.
  • The weather being a little warmer right now. 3 degrees sounds cold. But it's warm for this time of year. 
  • Not spending too much today, just spent on gas money and food. 


Since I've got some more social experience now, and some frequent friends I hang out with, as well as some social activities... I've decided to focus a little more on my dating life.

So yeah :) 


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Have you ever read the works of the Stoics? Marcus Aurelius's Meditations and Seneca's On Peace of Mind are two really good ones that are free on the internet. The Spark Notes version of their teachings is that the keys to happiness and achieving one's dreams lie in trying to focus on what can be changed, while moving on from what cannot. It's the art of making one's mind a fortress that the outside world can't harm. I've been stuck in a victim mentality a lot too lately, and remember the Stoic teachings I've studied have really helped me.

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Day 62:

@Pierce - Thanks for sharing your recommendations! I've got a copy of meditations, but I lent it to my sister for the mean time. I do enjoy reading it. I'll check out Peace of Mind.

@Cam Adair - Thanks Cam! I'm working on it. I've let it snowball a little too long, and now I'm trying to undo it.

What I did today:

  • Came back from night shift.
  • Slept and woke up went to buy a beard trimmer, and treat myself to a latte from Starbucks.
  • Came home and spent Christmas with family.

What I'm grateful for:

  • My dad cooking some kick-ass soup for Christmas
  • Reading this excerpt that touched on how ever since we were young we were taught to buy things to cure our anxieties/ negative emotions. 
  • Deleting my Steam account, because that act has saved me from relapsing at least twice in the last week. 


I'm just having a few less than great days lately. I've turned into a negative person for the last few days. And it becomes very apparent in my dealings with stress at work. Or even more so when this girl I liked at work commented on my reactivity/anger when stressed, then they started saying how I needed a lap dance and how she felt bad I was single and that it's the holidays. 

On the plus side let's see... I have been aware. I know, and I get that I'm being negative right now. And I can also see that I'm being reactive. It feels like I can't control my negative emotional reactions to these events, because on some level I know what they are saying is true - I do need a lap dance, and want a girlfriend. That's been the underlying negative focus that brought me to gaming in the first place. Although that sounds negative, I think it's a good thing that I can define what I'm experiencing with clarity now. 

I'm wounded there, it's a soft spot, and I'm acutely aware whenever someone comments on it - especially someone I find attractive. 

I also know that I have to somehow be bigger than that wound, in order to grow. 




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Those don't sound like very nice people that you work with.

I can't think what sounds worse, the men who needed to attack you to make themselves feel big or the woman who went along with it.

Seriously, you can do better than that group of people.

I certainly wouldn't want to be talking to a female I was interested in around that group!


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Thanks for the understanding! 

In light of trying to keep things positive here... I learned some lessons. Mostly related to work and work-ethic.

What I did good: 

  • I asked for help from those I could trust.
  • I was aware that this girl was using my attraction to her as a way to get her way, i.e. leave work early.
  • The next day, I took my supervisor aside to request an assignment change.

What I needed to improve:

  • The next time I notice someone putting work off, I will call it out. I did not call it out this time, because I liked the girl so I kept quiet.
  • I over-reacted emotionally to the girl trying to put off work for me to do after she's gone. Next time I should calmly tell her to wait until it's time to give me work and for her to do as much as she can until it's time I take over.
  • If I am feeling emotional, I should go out for a walk or something, and take a breather - or even, go for my break. 


Unfortunately, my kindness is my weakness. I am very likely to be kind to people, and am very hesitant in making them work fairly and more likely to help them out. But, in the long run, I am very much putting my own needs last. 

Next time, I shouldn't feel bad about calling things out as they are or even not doing others a favor. I imagine it might turn out bad, or that they might get mad - but in the least, it would be a learning lesson. So I should remember that those are covert contracts I am doing, don't do others a favor. And look out for myself first and fore most. 



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Day 63:

Merry Christmas!

What I did:

  • woke up at 4pm.
  • Had christmas dinner
  • set up my calendar and daily activities for the rest of the week.

What I am grateful for:

  • For my little brother making me something nice for Christmas
  • For the clothes my parents bought, and my sister buying me a month member ship at my yoga place.
  • That post I just did, helped me reflect on what I need to do to adjust.


Christmas is done! This week is gonna be busy. 



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Day 64:

Christmas is on the 25th of December. At least, over here anyway.

What I did:

  • Went out to buy a pair of glasses.
  • At home I handed out resumes to different hospitals.
  • I scouted various courses I needed to take to get into the units I wanted to get into.

What I am grateful for:

  • Getting a new pair of "beat up" glasses.
  • Handing out some resumes.
  • Getting some rest.




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