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seriousjay

Jay's Epic Journey

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So the girl told me that I'm too young for her. This must be something similar to what heartbreak feels like. I wouldn't say I was especially attached to her but I really thought we had a great connection.

Oh well, all I can do is focus on the positives from this experience and push on. ?

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6 hours ago, seriousjay said:

So the girl told me that I'm too young for her. This must be something similar to what heartbreak feels like. I wouldn't say I was especially attached to her but I really thought we had a great connection.

Oh well, all I can do is focus on the positives from this experience and push on. ?

Great job focusing on the positives. ^^ My Girlfriend and I recently broke up but it was pretty calm and we still talk almost every day. We decided to look a the positives and the fact that we had a nice experience, and that is important. Just don't give up, she's out there somewhere. ?

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I started using some affirmations to reinforce my self-value and self-worth independently from my relationship status. I've never found affirmations useful before but this seems to be working a bit.

I'm also being very deliberate about allowing any thoughts regarding my relationship status or fantasies about future relationships to simply play out. I find that if I accept the thoughts freely and recognize that they are not true if I don't want them to be, they almost instantly go away since they no longer have any power over me.

Terraria 1.4 is coming out soon and I was thinking of allowing myself a couple hours a week on a specific day (Saturday or Sunday) to play it. I think I'm at a healthy enough point where I can reward myself with that without it getting out of hand. I don't really have anything else that I do for no reason other than pure enjoyment so that's one option. I was also thinking of allowing myself the same thing with Netflix instead. Either way, it would just be a couple hours a week of downtime to balance out all the worky kinda stuff I do the rest of the week.

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So today I signed up for violin lessons. They start this Tuesday. Yay!

I'm also getting a lot more consistent with my writing habit.

Overall things are going super well!

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It's really early to make any judgments about it but so far I'm taking quite well to the violin. I'm finding myself more motivated to learn it than the wind instruments. I'm sure at least part of that is due to all the personal growth I've done since then (particularly a stronger work ethic) but I'm also finding myself really falling in love with the sound it can make, the way it feels in my hands, etc.

Additionally, and it's not quite manifesting itself physically just yet but I feel so damn close to everything coming together for me. I'm more certain than ever, and perhaps as I'll ever be, that the creative road is my path to follow. The two outlets I've chosen-music and writing-feel as right as anything has ever felt in my life. My physical fitness is very much on track. All that's really left is really developing my writing and music habits and tightening up my nutrition.

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I have worked hard lately to shift my focus from results-oriented to process-oriented. This allows me to focus more on making sure I'm maintaining good habits and continuing to move forward as opposed to trying to "get somewhere". I feel like this has really changed a lot of things for me, especially mentally. I'm not so concerned about the days where I slip up a little bit because I know in the long run those will just be blips in the grander scheme.

Where I've felt this the most is in my writing and music. I'm not so concerned anymore about reaching certain goals and instead am just enjoying the process of learning these crafts. This is allowing me to enjoy them so much more, and we'll just see where it goes.

Things are really starting to fall into place for me, and now it's just a matter of keeping up the momentum!

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So I went on a date last night that I thought went really well, but I was told today that it didn't feel romantic enough for her. I went on a hike to try to clear my head. I came to the conclusion that this and the last instance of getting rejected were the universe telling me I'm still not ready for a relationship. So I've decided to take an actual break from the dating scene completely to focus more on myself, specifically my music and writing.

I'm also considering signing up for actual date coaching at some point, though probably not soon. I'm pretty much just going to go with the flow of things for now and see what kind of opportunities present themselves and go from there.

It really sucked to hear first that I was too young for someone and second that it didn't feel romantic enough, but sometimes we need these things to happen to us for us to open our eyes to what needs to be done.

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6 hours ago, seriousjay said:

So I went on a date last night that I thought went really well, but I was told today that it didn't feel romantic enough for her. I went on a hike to try to clear my head. I came to the conclusion that this and the last instance of getting rejected were the universe telling me I'm still not ready for a relationship. So I've decided to take an actual break from the dating scene completely to focus more on myself, specifically my music and writing.

I'm also considering signing up for actual date coaching at some point, though probably not soon. I'm pretty much just going to go with the flow of things for now and see what kind of opportunities present themselves and go from there.

It really sucked to hear first that I was too young for someone and second that it didn't feel romantic enough, but sometimes we need these things to happen to us for us to open our eyes to what needs to be done.

I'd recommend "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty" by Mark Manson who was a dating coach for a couple of years. I enjoyed reading it thoroughly.

I remember that up until I met my ex, I had to deal with several/dozen of rejections (be it in person or through the Internet) before I met her. I think it had to do less with age/experience (I was 20 when I met her) and more with the total number of women I've shown my romantic/sexual interest in (somewhere in the low 10s), in proportion to quality of my lifestyle, not entirely but partly projected by my looks (gaming addicts don't have much going for them).

I don't know where/how you approach women to date them, but you should be more resilient/less anxious about your dating capabilities, simply because two women rejecting you could easily fall into the area of statistical error.

Take your time to soak the experience and keep your eyes peeled. There's bound to be a woman for every man ?

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12 hours ago, Ikar said:

I'd recommend "Models: Attract Women Through Honesty" by Mark Manson who was a dating coach for a couple of years. I enjoyed reading it thoroughly.

I remember that up until I met my ex, I had to deal with several/dozen of rejections (be it in person or through the Internet) before I met her. I think it had to do less with age/experience (I was 20 when I met her) and more with the total number of women I've shown my romantic/sexual interest in (somewhere in the low 10s), in proportion to quality of my lifestyle, not entirely but partly projected by my looks (gaming addicts don't have much going for them).

I don't know where/how you approach women to date them, but you should be more resilient/less anxious about your dating capabilities, simply because two women rejecting you could easily fall into the area of statistical error.

Take your time to soak the experience and keep your eyes peeled. There's bound to be a woman for every man ?

Thanks for that!

To be completely honest though the decision to take an actual break from dating feels like the most correct thing to do for me right now. I'm only just getting started with my music and writing and taking the time to really focus on that stuff is really important to me. I didn't even realize just how much I love music until I started playing the violin.

That being said, I'll still keep my eyes and ears open for opportunities that do come by, but I won't be actively seeking them anymore for a while.

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Well had a bit of a rough day. I think it stemmed from getting off to a slow start this morning. Two alarms didn't get me up when I wanted to and I essentially skipped my entire morning routine. I felt extremely lazy all day after that. I did end up forcing myself to practice violin for a bit which I'm really happy about, even if I think it didn't go that well. I also did a bunch of reading. I guess it goes to show how important a role habits play in our lives.

Well, despite all that it still turned out OK. Looking forward to a better week ahead! ?

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@Ikar Thanks for the suggestion of the Models book. I skimmed through it a bit and it seems to be right up my alley for the most part. When the time comes I'll be going through it more thoroughly.

So we're getting close to the point where I can think about everything that's happened the past year and I'm pretty damn pleased with my progress. I've discovered two passions I want to explore much further. My physical fitness is about the best it's ever been. Still got some tightening up to do with my nutrition but it's so much better than when I started this whole thing. Mentally I'm in a great place as well. All the self-love and value work I've done is really starting to pay off.

I'm looking forward to 2020 being a breakthrough year for me!

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I made a very important discovery about myself today.

Despite all the work I've done on myself, moving towards my goals, etc., I am still needy and desperate when it comes to relationships. I think about them a lot, I very quickly view any girl that fits within my standards as a potential partner and I'm starting to realize that any new woman I meet that isn't looking for a partner (ie., off Match) is picking up on this very quickly. I was convinced that I had gotten past this but it's pretty clear I haven't.

Though I wouldn't change the way I've done anything since quitting games as all my experiences have taught me valuable lessons, it was clearly a mistake to try to date as early as I did. I'm getting the feeling that I've managed to mask the issue from myself through my poor nutrition and watching game videos from time to time. They've served to sort of protect me from the truth, I think. Now that I'm aware of what's going on, I'm not really sure what to do about it.

My first instinct is to just keep doing the other things I've been doing. Working on my writing, reading and violin, and just continuing to build up those habits and hobbies that bring me happiness and joy away from being in a relationship. I actually think I've been on the right track and this awareness of this issue might just be the last thing I needed to really get myself going on the things that matter to me. I'd appreciate any other insights as well!

One adjustment I'm going to make is with some of the music I listen to. I'm going to remove all the songs that have anything to do with relationships from my playlist.

Well I can't pretend that I'm not going to continue to think about women and relationships and stuff. It's probably going to take a long time to rewire my brain to just be comfortable and happy being single, but I think being aware of what's going on is going to empower me to release those thoughts more easily and focus more on other stuff.

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How do your social circles look like? Do you have a social hobby outside of school/work, assuming these are not your passions? When/how do you meet attractive women in person?

Give yourself venues to meet other people, preferably with shared interests. I think it's extremely difficult to try and have a romantic relationship without having a solid footing in the social environment as a whole, so nurture male friendships as well.

Neediness and desperation come from the mindset that you have only X options and no matter how much that X actually is, you think that X is woefully low. It is scarcity mindset. I don't know what your age group is, but take a walk around some place for half an hour, like university campus or a department store, notice good-looking women and count them. It doesn't matter whether there's a guy right next to her holding her hand. Just count.

All these suggestions/questions are fairly general, but I hope they will help you take stock of how are you currently doing in the social (dating) environment!

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4 hours ago, Ikar said:

How do your social circles look like? Do you have a social hobby outside of school/work, assuming these are not your passions? When/how do you meet attractive women in person?

Give yourself venues to meet other people, preferably with shared interests. I think it's extremely difficult to try and have a romantic relationship without having a solid footing in the social environment as a whole, so nurture male friendships as well.

Neediness and desperation come from the mindset that you have only X options and no matter how much that X actually is, you think that X is woefully low. It is scarcity mindset. I don't know what your age group is, but take a walk around some place for half an hour, like university campus or a department store, notice good-looking women and count them. It doesn't matter whether there's a guy right next to her holding her hand. Just count.

All these suggestions/questions are fairly general, but I hope they will help you take stock of how are you currently doing in the social (dating) environment!

To answer your questions directly, my social circle is actually very healthy. I've got a good mix of both male and female friends that I can reach out to at any time. It isn't a huge group, but I prefer deep over shallow. I don't go out too often, but that's by choice rather than necessity. If I really wanted to I could be doing something social with friends nearly every day.

Your advice will be very useful at a later time so thanks for it, but right now I wouldn't be a very good boyfriend even if I was in a relationship.

I actually do not care at all about "having options". The concept doesn't even register in my mind. If I only ever have a relationship and sex with one girl ever (assuming it leads to a life-long partnership), I'm completely happy with that. I find the entire dating and chasing thing extremely exhausting. In short, the typical "rules of the game" really don't mean anything or apply to me. If that somehow means I won't ever find the right person, I'm at peace with that, at least in my head. That being said, all of this may change as I become more confident and sure of myself. I just hope I don't lose the parts of myself that I value in the process.

I'll post more later but I gotta go!

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OK I guess if nothing else I can use this as a way to express my thoughts on everything that's going on so here goes.

I don't think my desperation and neediness has anything to do with a lack of options. I believe it stems from the following:

- concerns about my age (33), and being able to find a partner and still be able to have a family, which is critically important to me
- concerns about spending prime years of my life alone and not enjoying them with someone else and by that I mean I don't want to rush into starting a family, I want to spend a lot of time with someone before moving on to marriage/family/etc. kind of things
- concerns about how long it's going to take to get myself "right" before I can pursue a healthy relationship

Whether or not any of the above is rational or based in fact, those are the issues that I need to deal with.

Some other things that are going on:

- occasionally when I get a text while I'm dating someone, I'll get a short burst of anxiety about whether or not it's them that's texted me
- when I meet new women it doesn't take long for me to start fantasizing about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them
- I have this idea somewhere deep down that women are these perfect creatures that can do no wrong and it's my job to impress them in order for them to want to be with me

Again, whether or not any of this makes sense, these are things that I'm dealing with. These aren't conscious thoughts that I get. They come out as feelings and emotions, or random thoughts I didn't consciously come up with. Especially with point #2, I'll occasionally allow myself to get caught up in them before I snap back to reality.

My last interaction with a new woman was someone who texted me about doing indoor rock climbing together. She got my number from the climbing gym. At first I was able to keep myself in check and recognize that she's probably only looking for that, but it quickly turned in my mind into a potential dating opportunity. Even though it was plainly obvious to me during our climbing session that a climbing partner was, in fact, all she wanted, I still attempted to plant the seeds of something more. She picked up on that and doesn't want to continue climbing with me because of it.

I don't really know what the "norm" is for gaming addicts with respect to life experiences, but I'm in a situation where the first 32 years of my life were not spent making any progress towards what I really wanted out of life. From reading a lot of journals and other posts around here, it seems like a lot of people still mostly lived fairly normal lives and were making progress towards bigger and better things, and were just hampered by a gaming addiction. Not so for me.

I learned this year that I really love music and want to learn an instrument, so I play the violin. I knew for a long time I had a passion for creativity and making up stories and characters, but it wasn't until the beginning of this year that I started doing something with that. I wasn't much of a reader at all until this year as well. Even my fitness, I didn't really start taking it very seriously until August of last year. Essentially, the way I see it, my life didn't actually begin until late August last year.

I've made some AMAZING progress since that time. I think I'm mostly in a really great spot both physically and mentally. I'm very happy with the majority of my behaviours, attitudes, etc. My mistake was trying to find a girlfriend before I really learned how to love myself and be comfortable and happy just being alone. Another thing I've made amazing progress with. I don't think I'm that far off. That's what I need to really learn - how to be single. How to be happy and comfortable being alone. I think I'm on the right track to getting there.

I still have one major issue (fast food) that I don't even want anyone else to have to deal with. I've seen what addictions can do to friendships, families, relationships, etc. and my one major goal for 2020 is to overcome that. If that's the only major thing I accomplish in 2020, I'll be extremely happy with that, and I think overcoming that issue is going to be the catalyst for major progress everywhere else.

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So today for the first time in my life I am giving serious consideration to the possibility that I need some sort of treatment for depression. I am currently having a particularly bad experience. I've started a depression log to figure out just how often this happens and I'm going to record specific things like when, what I was feeling, what I tried to self-treat it, how long it lasted, what ultimately caused it to stop, etc.

As someone who has always been adamant that self-care and making life improvements is the best cure for this kind of stuff, admitting all this is depressing in and of itself. However, this feels like it happens often enough that I'm going to start paying more attention to it. For now I'll just keep track of things and seeing if that helps at all.

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So just an update on how things are going:

Last week my sister decided to start cutting herself to cope with her emotional pain. I thought I could manage this until last night when she sent me a text on my way to the gym saying she was going to cut herself for fun. I took her to the hospital and we are now taking this matter very seriously. Last night was the first time in my life that I can remember being legitimately scared.

I've been overeating nearly every day for the last 3 or 4 months. I'm starting to wonder if that's been my own coping mechanism, but for what specifically I don't know. I've been able to quit video games and stay away from them really well. The fast food never really went away. I've signed up for online counselling to try to sort things out. First session is on Sunday. Maybe it's been my depression coping mechanism, maybe an unresolved issue from the past. Whatever the case, I'm confident I can figure this out.

Looking forward to good days ahead.

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Well after a mini-relapse back into gaming for 5 days (and way, way too much eating during that time) I've recommitted to my long-term goals. So far 2020 has gotten off on the right foot.

The online counselling service I signed up for has a journaling section and for some reason I find it much easier to dump my raw, unfiltered thoughts on there. You know those thoughts you have when someone asks you how you REALLY feel? Yeah, those ones. Will be interesting to see if dumping stuff on there makes it easier for me to work through whatever is holding me back right now.

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On 1/3/2020 at 5:46 PM, ElectroNugget said:

Welcome back man. You can do this! I hope the counseling works out for you. Keep us posted here too. ?

Thanks man, I had an amazing day today and looking forward to even better ones going forward!

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On 1/3/2020 at 4:07 PM, seriousjay said:

Well after a mini-relapse back into gaming for 5 days (and way, way too much eating during that time) I've recommitted to my long-term goals. So far 2020 has gotten off on the right foot.

The online counselling service I signed up for has a journaling section and for some reason I find it much easier to dump my raw, unfiltered thoughts on there. You know those thoughts you have when someone asks you how you REALLY feel? Yeah, those ones. Will be interesting to see if dumping stuff on there makes it easier for me to work through whatever is holding me back right now.

I feel like I accidentally do that on this website lol. I just write everything and then wonder if people think I'm insane. If it makes you feel better than do it. I hope it works out.

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So on Sunday I got an e-mail about dating Sunday from Match so I went and checked out what was there. Turns out an interesting girl viewed me so I sent her a message and got a response. I messaged her again and I haven't received a response yet and my previous anxieties about all this are starting to creep up again. Why isn't she messaging me back? Etc.

Is this normal? I feel like there's no way it can be normal. Even if it is, I don't like it. I feel like if I don't get this under control, when I do get into a relationship it's going to manifest as jealousy, etc. For all my self-awareness it does me little good with these thoughts and feelings that I can't seem to get control of.

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