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Jay's Epic Journey


seriousjay
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1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

Jay

Do you want to change the format of the date?

like tell her to take a friend and you will take somebody you trust with you. What if this support will smooth things out and will melt your doubts and self-criticism?

I'll be completely honest, I'm not comfortable with this idea at all. I'm totally fine with going it alone. But thanks for the suggestion!

1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I'm glad you guys went on that date and got connected. Congratulations! Let this fill you with pride. The discomfort you feel about this situation might raise anxiety levels within you, but they're also excitement levels that can sometimes be misconstrued as anxiety due to how much anxiety you've faced recently in the past few years. Try to embrace this a little more and allow yourself to be excited and happy. It seems like you're holding back because you're afraid of being hurt, which can happen and is common.

I'd enjoy each date when it comes and just take it day by day until you either move forward and become bf/gf or break things off.

For the anxiety things, music helps me at work for sure. I suffer similar anxiety that you've mentioned in the past. I get so lost in my own head and can't escape sometimes. It makes me feel so upset that I cry and want to smash everything around me in a fit of rage. Music helps in this situation. After about one song my mind is clear and I can just focus on work and life. After 5 songs I don't need any more music. Other times I've gone on walks or sang in the car.

I wouldn't mention to her about your anxiety or any depression issues until you're multiple dates in. If you come off as too revealing with emotional needs the woman can be scared off because she might think you don't have anyone to talk to about these issues. Everyone has problems and it can be annoying when you're on a date for some excitement and prospective future and the person mentions issues with anxiety, depression, etc. I'm not saying this in a bad way either. 

It's only the second date. Keep things casual and try to allow the date to be a period of your day where you don't have your anxieties, worries, and stressors. Have it be a pure period of fun and engagement with this woman or any other woman you end up dating. Don't mention about being unsure how to be a boyfriend either. The first few dates it's important to not reveal many insecurities so that you're viewed in a different light. It's not being fake, it's just not overwhelming them.

Be excited. You deserve love. Sometimes it is found fast and others it isn't. You're doing a great job putting yourself out there and should feel happy about it.

Honestly, you're right, I am holding some parts of me back for fear of rejection. As an example, society has this idea that texting first somehow makes you the desperate one. Whereas I just don't care. If I'm the one texting first every time, I really just don't care at all. I want to text good morning and good night every day. I don't understand when taking a few minutes out of your day to show the person you like that you're thinking of them became a sign of desperation...

I'll be completely honest, I also don't subscribe at all to the idea of holding back on certain topics just because it's date x. Now, this isn't a typical courtship because we exchanged about a novel's worth of information with each other over Match before the first date. However, I don't see a problem at all with interspersing some more serious topics among the light-hearted banter. I do agree about not spilling the entire life story right away so it doesn't become overwhelming. Even still, I told her about the game addiction, and I told her I do face some anxiety issues (without going into too much detail... she actually asked me to elaborate but I told her I wasn't ready to share that yet), and she shared with me some stuff about her own past, and she still seems very interested, so...

Anyways, I don't plan on elaborating too much about the anxiety until it becomes relevant to the courtship. Not because I think it's too early, but because the anxiety only exists in my head and it's MY responsibility to deal with it. I don't want anyone to have to help me with it unless they're a medical professional. My interactions with others should be fun, engaging, exciting, etc. and not an extra therapy session. I refuse to turn my future partner into that. Ideally, she never finds out anything else about it.

Anyways, thanks guys for the posts! I think tomorrow will say a lot about where this thing is going. 🙂

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6 hours ago, seriousjay said:

"Why didn't she respond to my text about feeling a connection with her more enthusiastically?"

About the whole texting thing, I could be biased, since I texted with my ex for about a month before we met in person, but I use messaging to just set up meetings nowadays, with the exception of friends abroad. I don't think it is desperate to text first or to wish good morning and good night (it's actually cute), but I'd just rather spend all the time texting with the woman herself in person. After all, if I am serious about my future date, I have more than enough revealing text on me here that I'd show her.

5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I wouldn't mention to her about your anxiety or any depression issues until you're multiple dates in. If you come off as too revealing with emotional needs the woman can be scared off because she might think you don't have anyone to talk to about these issues. Everyone has problems and it can be annoying when you're on a date for some excitement and prospective future and the person mentions issues with anxiety, depression, etc. I'm not saying this in a bad way either. 

I think there is a certain knack to be had when it comes to revealing these things. They have to come out naturally, in relation to the matter already being discussed. If they are not linked at all and you just start out with those, you are just trying to impress ("I gamed for 10 years 10 hours a day, but I don't anymore."), win sympathy ("My dog died yesterday.") or trying to get yourself an advantage in another underhanded way, even if the things you say are true. However, if somebody randomly asked me about my past, in order to be honest with myself and with them, I'd have to mention my addiction in the first couple of sentences.

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21 hours ago, Ikar said:

About the whole texting thing, I could be biased, since I texted with my ex for about a month before we met in person, but I use messaging to just set up meetings nowadays, with the exception of friends abroad. I don't think it is desperate to text first or to wish good morning and good night (it's actually cute), but I'd just rather spend all the time texting with the woman herself in person. After all, if I am serious about my future date, I have more than enough revealing text on me here that I'd show her.

So texting for me is pretty important because I'll only ever get a chance to see my date 1-2 times a week. I've got a lot going on in my life and the person I'm seeing right now values her independence as well. We're both totally OK with how often we get to see each other so it's just a matter of filling in the gaps in between.

21 hours ago, Ikar said:

I think there is a certain knack to be had when it comes to revealing these things. They have to come out naturally, in relation to the matter already being discussed. If they are not linked at all and you just start out with those, you are just trying to impress ("I gamed for 10 years 10 hours a day, but I don't anymore."), win sympathy ("My dog died yesterday.") or trying to get yourself an advantage in another underhanded way, even if the things you say are true. However, if somebody randomly asked me about my past, in order to be honest with myself and with them, I'd have to mention my addiction in the first couple of sentences.

Yes! You totally got it!

Anyways, as it turns out, this person I'm seeing is completely cool with candid conversation. We went into a whole host of personal topics. She expressed how nice it was to actually have a conversation regarding expectations around sex, among other things. This is like my dream courtship. I'm really happy right now. 🙂

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So I am officially in a relationship with the woman I met on Match. The honeymoon phase has definitely settled in lol.

One thing that I knew was going to happen as a result of this was other things in my life feeling less important and wanting to spend most/all of my attention on her, and it is happening. So I've got to find a new balance that includes her. I'm STILL ultimately responsible for my own happiness so I cannot give up doing the other things I really value.

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3 hours ago, seriousjay said:

So I am officially in a relationship with the woman I met on Match. The honeymoon phase has definitely settled in lol.

One thing that I knew was going to happen as a result of this was other things in my life feeling less important and wanting to spend most/all of my attention on her, and it is happening. So I've got to find a new balance that includes her. I'm STILL ultimately responsible for my own happiness so I cannot give up doing the other things I really value.

You know what to do. Good luck, learn along the way and enjoy the initial infatuation 😄

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  • 1 month later...

Haven't posted here in forever but I figured I'd share where I'm at.

Things with my girlfriend are going amazing. Don't have much to say about that.

Food has increasingly become a problem and with that so has consuming video game related content on Youtube. I think a lot of it has to do with stress from added responsibilities in my life and still not having great ways to cope with it. The writing and violin isn't helping much and I actually haven't done those activities in quite some time. Maybe I haven't given them enough of a chance to act as stress relief, I don't know. I've also slipped in my meditation and daily gratitude practice.

My usual way to get back into doing things is not put too much pressure on myself to do them and just be OK with doing them for short periods of time to build the habit back up. I think that'll be a good start to get back on track. We'll see how it goes.

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15 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Haven't posted here in forever but I figured I'd share where I'm at.

Things with my girlfriend are going amazing. Don't have much to say about that.

Food has increasingly become a problem and with that so has consuming video game related content on Youtube. I think a lot of it has to do with stress from added responsibilities in my life and still not having great ways to cope with it. The writing and violin isn't helping much and I actually haven't done those activities in quite some time. Maybe I haven't given them enough of a chance to act as stress relief, I don't know. I've also slipped in my meditation and daily gratitude practice.

My usual way to get back into doing things is not put too much pressure on myself to do them and just be OK with doing them for short periods of time to build the habit back up. I think that'll be a good start to get back on track. We'll see how it goes.

I think I'd do an easy approach to weening off of the consumption of gaming content and food. A way to do this is maybe find a book or an easy show to watch away from the computer for a set period of time. Another way to do this is by finding healthier alternatives to what food you're eating. You can meal prep and eat your required food to stay full so you're not craving food. You can also drink some water when you feel hungry and see if that quenches anything. 

You could also see if you can cut some added responsibilities. I don't know what they are obviously, but maybe some brainstorming there could help. Are there any fun activities you can schedule with your girlfriend or friends to help promote a healthier version of escapism?

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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think I'd do an easy approach to weening off of the consumption of gaming content and food. A way to do this is maybe find a book or an easy show to watch away from the computer for a set period of time. Another way to do this is by finding healthier alternatives to what food you're eating. You can meal prep and eat your required food to stay full so you're not craving food. You can also drink some water when you feel hungry and see if that quenches anything. 

You could also see if you can cut some added responsibilities. I don't know what they are obviously, but maybe some brainstorming there could help. Are there any fun activities you can schedule with your girlfriend or friends to help promote a healthier version of escapism?

Re. the food: I've discovered I'm an emotional eater. Being full or knowing the consequences of my poor eating aren't helping to stop my consumption of junk food. I just have to find a better way to handle stress. I'm sure a significant part of it is also habitual as well.

As far as the gaming content, it goes hand in hand with finding a better way to handle stress. I can't really do much about the added responsibilities, so I just have to find a better way to manage my responses. I'll be working with my online counsellor on solutions for this.

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  • 1 month later...
  • 3 weeks later...
On 5/4/2020 at 11:39 AM, Ikar said:

Hope all is well with you @seriousjay 🙂

Hey dude, thanks for posting.

I actually ran into a major relapse back into gaming and youtube. Got a lot of stress going on in my life right now but slowly I'm working back towards a healthy place. I've come to the realization that in order to really get over this hump I'm going to need sustained abstinence from everything game related for years most likely. That seems to be the only way the life I want to live will become the "new normal" for me.

How are you doing?

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Hello Jay,

Your celebratory post had points that I memorized by heart- especially on relapsing and the non-linear effect of good actions and habits. I want to believe that a quantum leap is achievable, that we can get to a place where we don’t have to hold desires at bay, where they completely lose their value.

Holding a desire for gaming content and junk food at bay says that it still means a lot and maybe- the new healthy values are underdeveloped. If new values are sufficiently developed, then cravings can still come back from worrying (uncertainty causes worrying in us). As I am writing this to you, I was “constructing” a video game in my mind a couple of hours ago and I wondered:

“Why do I need this imaginary thing? How would I look playing toy soldiers for that comes quite close to imagining games”

Your worries, I hope you confront them with awe inspiring bravery.

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8 hours ago, seriousjay said:

Hey dude, thanks for posting.

I actually ran into a major relapse back into gaming and youtube. Got a lot of stress going on in my life right now but slowly I'm working back towards a healthy place. I've come to the realization that in order to really get over this hump I'm going to need sustained abstinence from everything game related for years most likely. That seems to be the only way the life I want to live will become the "new normal" for me.

How are you doing?

Got it, good luck 🙂

Things are becoming a bit tougher for me now with exams coming up and implementing some study-time into my schedule, but I don't think it's anything insurmountable. Business as usual.

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It's happening, but Pantera wrote a great song about times like these called 'Yesterday Don't Mean Shit' that always gets me focused on the next day. 

You got this and we will support you. The virus has people in the same situation with people gaming. 

It's ok! Be brave and be kind to yourself through this. 

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  • 11 months later...

Well it's been about a year since I posted here. This is going to act as a farewell post of sorts since I'm pretty confident about where I'm at right now and can take it from here.

I have since become engaged to the woman I met on Match about a year and a half ago and things are going quite well. The honeymoon phase is definitely over but we've settled into a new normal for us that I'm sure is going to work very well. There are still some adjustments and compromises to be made because we are both individuals who really value our independence and still have this feeling that parts of this relationship are compromising that. However, I'm certain that I've found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with so I'm excited to see where it goes from here.

I haven't picked up a video game in over a year and I've only watched Youtube videos for video games a handful of times, so much progress has been made there. Sometimes I am wistful about them, however I know that at this time, I cannot have a healthy relationship with them. It's possible I may never have that, though some part of me wants to. At the same time, I feel like if I do get to that point, I won't even want to play or even think about video games anymore, having prioritized other, more important things in my life. If all I'm going to do is play video games a couple hours a week, I don't see the point of playing them at all.

I have picked up a board game called Gloomhaven which is a little bit like a video game in board game form. It almost got out of control but I think I'm at a healthy place with it now for the most part. It was a bit risky to allow myself to interact with it but I really believe I need to face this challenge head on and overcome it in order to really move on from this addiction.

The food is still an ongoing challenge but I am making pretty good progress on that over the last couple of months. I'm still eating too much but mostly I am cooking at home lately or if I am getting take out, it's on the healthier side.

What has really helped during this time is tapping into mindfulness, namely meditation, affirmations, visualization, and more recently, yoga. When you can ground yourself in the moment and really exist there, it's not too hard to stop obsessing over things like video games, food, etc. or just thinking in general.

Anyways, I really want to share my appreciation for this community, for @Cam Adair for starting Game Quitters and everyone else who has helped me on this journey. It's been a wild ride and I hope that everyone who is suffering is able to find peace. 🙂 

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Posted (edited)

Welcome back serious Jay,

My current observation is that journaling, developing and correcting plans with regard to your goals will always be necessary . If i had no bad habits at this point in time I’d still be journaling and practicing self-accountability.

I got much needed insights by reading your posts at a time when I was going through hard times.

If you aren’t going to journal on this forum, be sure to maintain a private diary and please support members on this forum too.

Going on the offensive is the least natural instinct for a person who has developed a habit of escaping, but this is exactly what He needs to do. Take that extra step to better yourself as a person when you want to slack a bit.

I recently read a short novel by Tolstoy that details the life of a man who directs all his efforts to be formally a good person. As a judge, he at times passes judgments that are unjust but make it easy for him to be this nice guy. To make it short, he is ever chasing meaning by trying to fit into what society expects of him. Towards the end of his life, he suffers by observing how much in vain that was and decides to build a park. Now there are many bureaucratic hurdles in the way of building it and for the first time he starts breaking the rules to get the right thing done. He follows not the form but principles and he feels himself alive for a rare moment.

 

Edited by Amphibian220
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