Jump to content

NEW INTERVIEW: Porn is destroying a generation... one erection at a time! w/ Gabe Deem

seriousjay

Jay's Epic Journey

Recommended Posts

So as I posted in another thread, yesterday I forgot to go to the gym because I was busy playing video games. I fully intended to, but forgot until about 9 PM, when I turned off the game to get ready for bed. In other words, when I unplugged from the game and plugged back in to real life.

I need to change my mindset towards down time. So many things I want to do, like reading and writing, just feel like work. I need to find a way to experience joy from doing those things, among others, and place less emphasis on being entertained.

If anyone has any ideas for how to actually do this, I'd really appreciate the help. Specifically, @Cam Adair, maybe you have some suggestions? Maybe this is something worth making a video about?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yesterday, I came to the realization that I'm really not a very grateful person at all. I was driving to my mom's house and it dawned on me that I really do have a lot to be grateful for, but because there are things that I want and don't have, it isn't enough. I get the sense that if I continue along this path, there is no amount of anything that could satisfy me.

This was hammered home when I got to my mom's house and looked up "how to be grateful for the things you have" on google. There were a bunch of lists of things to be grateful for, and I clicked one of the links. When I started reading the list, there were so many items that definitely applied to me but never even occurred to me to be grateful for.

So I'm really going to take gratitude practice to heart. I'm going to take a few minutes each morning and evening to appreciate the things I have in my life, and when I get stressed out or things start going somewhat awry during the day, I'm going to try to remind myself that even though some things aren't going the way I want at that moment, there are still plenty of things I can be happy about.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/12/2019 at 4:44 AM, seriousjay said:

 

I need to change my mindset towards down time. So many things I want to do, like reading and writing, just feel like work. I need to find a way to experience joy from doing those things, among others, and place less emphasis on being entertained.

Hey Jay, I think this has to do with your gaming past. I experience this too but it gets better the more time passes and the more faded my memories of strong adrenaline times become. You can't avoid or change the feeling of these hobbies being work, your mind is used to video games mechanics which reward us all the time for barely anything. What you can do is, because you know one is a real self improvement thing whereas gaming wasn't, you can insist and do the hobbies anyway. You'll probably rewire your brain like this, because you'll give it new experiences that include satisfaction despite the initial bias.

In other words, accept the bias and just do it anyway. It was unavoidable for me, but if you read my journal it's what got me away from it all for good this time.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

Hey Jay, I think this has to do with your gaming past. I experience this too but it gets better the more time passes and the more faded my memories of strong adrenaline times become. You can't avoid or change the feeling of these hobbies being work, your mind is used to video games mechanics which reward us all the time for barely anything. What you can do is, because you know one is a real self improvement thing whereas gaming wasn't, you can insist and do the hobbies anyway. You'll probably rewire your brain like this, because you'll give it new experiences that include satisfaction despite the initial bias.

In other words, accept the bias and just do it anyway. It was unavoidable for me, but if you read my journal it's what got me away from it all for good this time.

Thanks for your comment.

I pretty much came to the same conclusions. Just keep working at it and continue putting distance between my current self and my gaming past.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So after a few days of practicing gratitude twice a day with just whatever comes to mind, I think I'm really starting to see some benefits. For some reason practicing verbally instead of noting it in my journal is making a big difference.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So the other day it fully sunk in for me how important self-love is when it comes to just about everything. I've been hearing about it a lot over the past year or so, but now I'm actually starting to intentionally live it. It makes it so much easier to deny temptations and other things that don't serve me when I'm framing that denial as an act of self-love. I'm also finding my inner critic has a lot less power over me as well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So the last three weeks have been a lot of going back to old habits (porn and masturbation, daily fast food, gaming videos, etc.) and I think a big (main?) reason for it is that I've gotten away from the things that made me successful in the first place. Mainly, my twice a day gratitude and self-love practice. I guess I didn't realize how much of a ripple effect that stuff had on the rest of my life. It's really reinforced one of my axioms - if you're not moving forward, you're moving backward. I'm also going to go back to regular journaling. If something is helping you and it doesn't take a great deal of time or effort, why stop?

I'm a big believer in the law of attraction and one way I'm going to think of my gratitude and self-love practice is like a prayer to the universe. People that believe in a god pray to said god for help, right? I don't see why the universe in the context of the law of attraction should be any different. Here's to better days ahead!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, seriousjay said:

So the last three weeks have been a lot of going back to old habits (porn and masturbation, daily fast food, gaming videos, etc.) and I think a big (main?) reason for it is that I've gotten away from the things that made me successful in the first place.

Do you have a hard time keeping away from the old habits? If so, have you tried setting up barriers for you that makes it a lot harder to get back into it? Like Cold Turkey for the pc to block applications and websites, along with Stay Focused for the phone to block access to Google Play Store for example. Then set a password on each of the applications which someone else keep. That way you will have a harder time getting back and easier time focusing on the important things in life. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, sskieller said:

Do you have a hard time keeping away from the old habits? If so, have you tried setting up barriers for you that makes it a lot harder to get back into it? Like Cold Turkey for the pc to block applications and websites, along with Stay Focused for the phone to block access to Google Play Store for example. Then set a password on each of the applications which someone else keep. That way you will have a harder time getting back and easier time focusing on the important things in life. 

Barriers have never worked for me. Even when I deleted my Steam account for example I just went and rebought whatever game I wanted to play. Furthermore, I don't believe negative reinforcement-in this case, restricting access to things-is an effective strategy for long-term success. Especially for me, since in the past when I've re-acquired access to the thing I was abstaining from, I would end up binging on that thing anyways.

I got my gratitude/self-love practice in this morning and that's about it. I was busy literally all day. On the plus side, my date this evening with a girl I've been seeing went quite well I think. I ended up getting chicken wings on the way home and watched more gaming videos, but I'm not TOO concerned about that for now. I didn't expect my habits to change overnight after screwing around for 3 weeks. The important thing is getting back to the things that made it easier to stick to my positive habits, which will happen soon.

Going to bed now. Will do my gratitude/self-love evening practice and meditation before falling asleep. There wasn't much I could do about it aside from getting up earlier, but I think skipping my meditation in the morning probably contributed to my weakness with the chicken wings later on. Well, that and barely eating anything all day I suppose.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Good luck on your journey. I find porn to be so much more difficult to quit than video games it's not even a contest. I think you've been doing a great job over the past few years on here and I hope you continue to keep it up. I believe in you and also think you've been a great role model for our community.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Good luck on your journey. I find porn to be so much more difficult to quit than video games it's not even a contest. I think you've been doing a great job over the past few years on here and I hope you continue to keep it up. I believe in you and also think you've been a great role model for our community.

Thanks for the kind words. All I can ask for is that my example inspires others to live their very best life.

Until the last three weeks, I didn't find porn all that problematic. For a long time I actually stopped masturbating entirely until I read about some benefits of it. I think it's possible to have a healthy relationship with masturbation, it's just a matter of finding a good balance. Porn, however, is something I don't want anything to do with for a lot of reasons and when I'm going well, I don't find it hard to stay away from it.

---

I'm starting to buy into the Myers-Briggs personality thing. Reading about the INFP personality type, which most tests peg me as, I strongly identify with most traits of that type. I'm going to try to understand it more and see if there's anything I can take away from that understanding to improve myself.

Really I think a big key to happiness is understanding and loving yourself. If you have that solid foundation then there's very little that can knock you off track. I also think it's very important to have that foundation to have a healthy romantic relationship as well.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Thanks for the kind words. All I can ask for is that my example inspires others to live their very best life.

Until the last three weeks, I didn't find porn all that problematic. For a long time I actually stopped masturbating entirely until I read about some benefits of it. I think it's possible to have a healthy relationship with masturbation, it's just a matter of finding a good balance. Porn, however, is something I don't want anything to do with for a lot of reasons and when I'm going well, I don't find it hard to stay away from it.

---

I'm starting to buy into the Myers-Briggs personality thing. Reading about the INFP personality type, which most tests peg me as, I strongly identify with most traits of that type. I'm going to try to understand it more and see if there's anything I can take away from that understanding to improve myself.

Really I think a big key to happiness is understanding and loving yourself. If you have that solid foundation then there's very little that can knock you off track. I also think it's very important to have that foundation to have a healthy romantic relationship as well.

I hear you. Porn is so intoxicating. It's ridiculous. Something that kind of helped me has been understanding how I feel afterwards. It's hollow. I also watched a few documentaries called "Life After Porn". Warning because there is sensitive content and nudity in there. The reason I appreciated it was a lot of the porn stars said they wanted to wait to have sex until marriage, etc. after being in there. I don't necessarily believe that for myself, but I do think it has impact on me because I used to think you had to please a woman the way they do in porn and most of the porn stars actually dislike the way they're treated in porn. That it is fake and not actual love making. I have learned that now, but when I first watched it in 2012 it really made a lasting impression on me.

Myers-briggs is interesting. I'm an ENTJ-T for turbulent commander. I thought the write-up from 16 personalities was very accurate when describing me, but I won't let it mold my life either. I want to trust my heart as well. It's an interesting science for sure.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I hear you. Porn is so intoxicating. It's ridiculous. Something that kind of helped me has been understanding how I feel afterwards. It's hollow. I also watched a few documentaries called "Life After Porn". Warning because there is sensitive content and nudity in there. The reason I appreciated it was a lot of the porn stars said they wanted to wait to have sex until marriage, etc. after being in there. I don't necessarily believe that for myself, but I do think it has impact on me because I used to think you had to please a woman the way they do in porn and most of the porn stars actually dislike the way they're treated in porn. That it is fake and not actual love making. I have learned that now, but when I first watched it in 2012 it really made a lasting impression on me.

Myers-briggs is interesting. I'm an ENTJ-T for turbulent commander. I thought the write-up from 16 personalities was very accurate when describing me, but I won't let it mold my life either. I want to trust my heart as well. It's an interesting science for sure.

I've heard that before too, that women generally do not enjoy what they have to do in porn movies. Sadly, so many males watch porn on a regular basis that it's become ingrained in them that women actually enjoy that stuff. I wonder if that's a big contributor to sexual dissatisfaction in relationships... just this disconnect with expectation vs. reality.

That being said, there seems to be science to suggest that most women aren't sure about a relationship until they sleep with a man. Sexual compatibility and attraction in my opinion is probably the main factor that contributes to a relationship's long-term viability. When your partner excites you that way, I think it makes everything else just that much better.

Yeah, I don't exactly fit into the INFP box that neatly. For example, I don't have a "woe is me" attitude about not feeling like I'm heard or appreciated. If I feel that way, it's because I don't go out of my way to be recognized, and I'm at peace with that. The people that I have a real connection with will be able to identify and appreciate the things that I do and it doesn't need to be mentioned either... although it's nice to hear it from time to time. 🙂

I definitely think everyone is completely unique and you can find at least a little bit of each of the 16 types in everyone. That's the beautiful thing about people. 🙂

EDIT: Also, yeah, masturbation and porn definitely don't leave me satisfied at all. It's just this feeling of like "yeah whatever". I think that resonates a lot stronger with me because love-making to me is about your partner. It's about the physical expression of your love and commitment. There are few things more beautiful than that in this world.

Edited by seriousjay
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As I do more reading about my personality type I've begun to realize that a whole new universe of understanding has opened up to me. Suddenly, so much of what happened in the past and the way things are now makes so much sense. Even just the validation that my current struggles aren't because I'm weak or not good enough-that there's an actual REASON for them-is incredibly empowering. That doesn't absolve me of the responsibility of continuing to get better-in fact, personal development is one of the critical foundations of healthy INFPs-but it does help to put things into better perspective and context.

This is pretty much all because of Val, the girl I've been seeing lately. It reminds me of the saying that everyone in your life is there for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Even if she's only here for a short time, she's given me a gift that is far more impactful than anything she could do for me as a girlfriend, I think.

EDIT: Just one example that I want to jot down here. I still struggle with fast food and the INFP function stack suggests that my struggle is because the introverted feeling function is my dominant. I make the decision to have fast food based on the way I feel in the moment. Logical reasoning has historically been only mildly effective at countering it and there's a good reason for it-extraverted thinking, the one function of an INFP that is responsible for logic and reasoning is the inferior function of an INFP and therefore not well developed or accessible.

I see two ways within this framework to deal with this. I can either develop a stronger extraverted thinking function that is more readily accessible and able to resist the introverted feeling function, or I can create a feeling within myself that contradicts the fast food decision that is even stronger than the feeling that leads to making said decision. I don't think INFPs are very good at restraint-our creative minds by definition want to be as free as possible to allow the greatest potential for our imaginations-so I think the latter is the way to go.

Now I need to figure out how to go about doing that! Man I haven't been this excited about something in a very long time!

Edited by seriousjay

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So yesterday I came to realize that I'm chronically stressed and didn't even realize it. Just reading more about my personality type, the signs that an INFP is stressed are snapping at people, being overly harsh and critical, etc., which I find happens at least a few days out of the week. I don't know if it's because I am incompatible with my job (too much activation of the logic and reasoning function which I generally struggle with anyways) or if it's the job itself, but it's something to be mindful of going forward and finding a way to manage.

I also think I might be taking the MBTI stuff a little too seriously as well, which often happens when I come across these "epiphany" type discoveries. It's a great tool for putting my life into perspective (honestly... a LOT of things make sense in the context of the INFP personality type for me), but to treat it as the be all end all of my life doesn't seem healthy. I'll take what useful things I can from it and continue working on myself in other ways as well.

Either way, it's really funny. Until yesterday, I thought I actually did a really great job of managing stress and not letting things bother me, etc. Which I still think I do, but clearly there's room for improvement as well!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A few years back, I did the MBTI twice and came out as INTP. I think I did it at the beginning of the detox too, but by that point, two of the letters changed (though I don't remember which), maybe because I wasn't such a shut-in anymore! I came across Big 5 at that time and it seems to have a better statement value than MBTI, though perhaps the more different assessment tests you take, the more reliable your results will be, if they actually correlate?

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There is always room for improvement - it's when we think there is nothing else to learn that we stop growing as an individual.

I seem to always get the same result from the MBTI - though that's probably a good thing. I always get the Defender - ISFJ. It's scarily accurate and tells me I have something in common with Vin Diesel (lol). Though the personality test that really made the lightbulb come on for me was the DISC analysis. Again, probably all the same stuff under different titles but wow, it really pierced the soul.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I did a few different versions of the MBTI test. I think I got ISFJ once, INFJ once and INFP three times. I definitely identify the most with INFP. Because humans are complex creatures that cannot be put into generic boxes, there are some aspects of it that I don't agree with.

Like I mentioned though, I think this is best used as another tool to try to understand myself as opposed to being something I live by. For example, it helped me realize my chronic stress... lol.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I need to find a way to better manage days when I feel really down and don't want to do anything at all. I stayed with it for a while and eventually I became motivated again. Probably in no small part thanks to the coffee I drank, haha.

Anyways I'm glad last week is over. My brother is back from his vacation and I can get back to a more normal routine now.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, seriousjay said:

I need to find a way to better manage days when I feel really down and don't want to do anything at all. I stayed with it for a while and eventually I became motivated again. Probably in no small part thanks to the coffee I drank, haha.

Anyways I'm glad last week is over. My brother is back from his vacation and I can get back to a more normal routine now.

Just keep following your routine when you get a loss for motivation. It keeps you honest and keeps you going. You got this.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Just keep following your routine when you get a loss for motivation. It keeps you honest and keeps you going. You got this.

A perfect segue into my post...

I seem to have gotten back on track over the last few days with respect to my habits and I have no idea why. I go back to my axiom of if you're not moving forward, you're moving backward and wonder if it applies here. I definitely experienced some personal development stagnation, writing goals stagnation, etc. during the last month and I found it really easy to go back to eating fast food and watching gaming videos. It wasn't that I was having trouble resisting it-I didn't even WANT to resist it.

The insights I've gleaned through my MBTI assessments have been a big deal for me. I've recognized why certain patterns played out in my past and why certain things are happening now. I think that's given me the motivation to get back to my goals and habits. So it would appear that consistently moving forward (the idea of momentum) is especially important for me to stay on track.

Ah, such are the mysteries of life. Unlike video games, there is usually nothing binary about life's challenges, which can be quite frustrating but very exciting and stimulating at the same time!

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tonight for probably the first time I went with what my feelings were telling me and did not get a bunch of junk food. I've got to remember to trust my feelings going forward-they already intuitively know what's best for me I think.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bleh. Today was a bit of a rough day and now I can't sleep because my mind has decided to latch on to and ruminate about my relationship status.

The more I go on, the more I realize I really need to bite the damn bullet and start cold approaching women. I don't know why it's so hard for me. 😞

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So last night, after reading another article about what you're "supposed to do" when taking pictures for online dating I finally had enough and deleted everything except Match. That one is probably going to end up in the garbage can as well.

I KNOW I'm an awesome guy. However, if the world of online dating is such that being your awesome self isn't good enough then it doesn't deserve my presence.

Ultimately what I'm looking for is to start a family one day. If I can't find someone who can look past all the superficial garbage and try to create a real connection based on something meaningful then I'm just going to adopt a kid and be content with that. Adoption has been something I've thought about from time to time anyways.

Obviously this doesn't absolve me of the responsibility I have to continue with self-improvement and making myself the most desirable human I can possibly be. However, from now on I'm going to be doing all that for the person that matters the most to me in this world-myself. If that isn't good enough for anyone, then so be it.

Also, my sentences are way too long!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

NaNoWriMo has arrived woohoo! I wrote a modest 275 words last night but they might have been the best words I've ever put together so far. My writing has definitely gotten better, and quickly. 😄

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...