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Journal of a Gamer Mom (possibly a manifesto too)


Ashley K.
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Day 1:

This is hell. It should come easier since I've relapsed, but it hasn't. It feels just as hard as it did numerous times I've tried to stop.

I've become sleep deprived because of it. Along with that came forgetfulness and I know that I have really good memory but I can't remember a simple password. It scares me.

I keep trying to rationalize and rationalize playing, but there is no getting around it. 

This is where I must begin.

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Day 2:

Didn't know what to do since I didn't plan out my day until I started thinking about ways I can start making money from home.

While I watched my husband play video games, I was listening to him talk to his friend on xbox live about a new update with the game and what he wanted to do and whatnot. I kept thinking back to when I wasted so much money on buying things that I could never touch since it was just pixels. Then I realized how silly I was to do that and then thought about if I played right now, what would I gain? What would I be learning? Absolutely nothing. As always, I would go on, play for a few hours, feel guilty for doing so and then think about how I haven't learned anything beneficial or interesting. I know that I can't get my husband to stop so I just have to worry about myself and my children when it comes down to it. 

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  • 1 month later...

Day 2:

What time I woke up:  7:50AM

What time I went to sleep:  3:00AM, Then 5:00AM (My 5 month old son kept crying, poor thing)

Its only been two days since I quit. As you all know I'm constantly relapsing and quitting. But I know that as long as I consistently keep coming back. I know what to expect when I feel certain urges coming on. The reason why I went to sleep at 3:00 AM was because I went crazy planning out the next 2 days of what I wanted to do.

I'll admit I was excited while I was doing it but I was also scared of not following through. That has always been my problem, is following through on things until the end.  My husband knows that I quit because I ended up taking my xbox and putting it into storage and taking my gaming headphones, cutting the wire and tossing them into the garbage. I'll admit, doing that was a bit spontaneous but it felt good. I'm glad I'm not giving up.

 

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Good job! Not giving up truly is the most important thing. As Kevin up above said, you shouldn't disregard your sleep; everything else becomes way easier when you're rested.

Keep going!

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Oh I see you're back! Awesome to see you there!

Do you still desire to achieve 90 days or maybe you want to make a bigger challenge right now? :)

 

Also, remember that it's important to journal here. Even if you fail, or relapse, you still have to make commitment to write about it there. I remember how many times I was trying to hide from this place while I had a relapse, because I was too ashamed of what will others say. Don't make my mistake, just learn from it!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Day 3:

I had a few things to do today, but I decided to ignore them and take my kids outside. It was great, a bit hot but that was okay. I ended up tossing water onto my 5 year old son while we walked, lol. My 5 month old just passed out during the walk. I've been wanting to work on graphic design, photography and drawing. But I know sitting around and just thinking about it won't do anything. Like Gary Vee says "I don't think my ideas are worth shit, Until they're executed"

Edited by Ashley K.
Clicked on Spoiler, lol
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Day 4:

  • Woke up at 9:30
  • Watched Pasta on DramaFever.com
  • Took a shower at 12:30
  • Got my things ready
  • Went to my mother in law's house
  • Ate good food ^_^
  • Napped
  • Played with my kids
  • Came home at 9
  • Typed up what I did today on here, lol
  • About to paint my nails & finish watching my show :D
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Day 5:

Today wasn't productive at all. But I didn't get any urges. But tomorrow will definitely be more productive. My problem at the moment is actually finding a good method or app to use for time management  :S

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Day 6:

Woke up at 9 and fed my kids. Then I started listening to music on Spotify for a bit and building up a new playlist.

I was trying to work on a watermark to put on my work for later, but I couldn't download the trial version of photoshop since it kept saying that I needed to find a different installation volume location or something like that (Mac user). Im still trying to figure out what to do. I also tried using design apps that were offered by apple but they just freeze. I think I broke my laptop, lol. No idea what to do but other than that, my day was okay. I had a few urges to play but I kept fighting it off because I knew what would happen if I started up again. 

Edited by Ashley K.
Forgot to mention something
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Day 9:

I apologize for not post for a couple of days. Not much has happened. But I noticed for those couple of days that I was practicing graphic design, I would fall asleep watching the tutorials on YouTube. I didn't really understand why. Then I started watching a digital art video and I was wide awake. I started to think that maybe Im finding graphic design to be boring while digital art, hell even painting is more intriguing.

I don't like flip flopping from one thing to the other because it makes me look indecisive. But it's how I feel and I can't help how I feel. I just go with it. All I know is that in the end I want to do what I love and make a living from it.

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Day 11:

Im sorry for posting every 2 days or every other day. But today I woke up at 9:30 and my kids dressed so that we can register my 5 year old son in school. I'll admit that for the past couple of days I've been getting headaches. I honestly thought it was because I was sick with something. But my family kept telling me it was stress from being nervous when I didn't have anything to be nervous about since it was just registration. I'm even more nervous about him going in September. I don't know how he'll be. Im scared that he won't get on the right bus. Im just nervous about everything. While I was there registering, I knew that my ID was expired. It made me feel like a irresponsible adult who doesn't have her priorities in order (Im working on it). My life is all jumbled up instead of it being in order where I can just check things off my list. Its not a great feeling. But I'll figure it out along the way.

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Day 13:

I've been on Skillshare, learning more about Art. I never really thought that I had it in me to actually do it. I guess I do. Last night I dreamt that I relapsed and didn't care about anything anymore. Everything seemed like it didn't exist. I was tunnel visioning video games while everyone else around me faded away. I got scared when I woke up because I actually thought that I had relapsed. I was going to regret ever playing but I know that I don't want to live in regret or get to that point where I'm not capable of doing anything and regretting everything on my deathbed. I'm not going to let that happen. 

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Day 15:

I really don't know what to say here other than I've been working on drawing. Figuring out if I should go to college for an Art degree or stay at home. But I feel like I should really go so that I can learn a lot more. I had urges to play earlier this morning but I fought them off. Last night I kept trying to rationalize whether or not I should play because I figured maybe I could moderate. But then if I was to play I wouldn't be able to moderate and then I wouldn't have the drive to draw. All the focus would be on video games only and nothing else. I don't want to lose that drive to learn everything about Art and what it has to offer. 

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  • 1 month later...

Day 2:

So I quit the other day. Just packed up my xbox and some more games that I played once or twice and then never play it again.

Went onto league of legends and sent in a ticket to delete my account. Now all I have to do is wait. 

This is torture.

I just started and I already want to play. My husband didn't help any last night by telling me that there were games on sale on Steam. Once game in particular called Dead By Daylight. I kept telling him no I stopped playing and he said "You can still play, you just need to moderate". Doesn't he think that I have already tried to moderate. More than once. It doesn't work for me. When I play, I play for hours and then my whole day is wasted. Its always the same shit, different day. This is what I would do if I was still playing video games.

  • Wake Up at 8 or 9AM
  • Wash my face
  • Get a a cup of coffee
  • Feed my 7 month old son and rock him to sleep
  • Turn on my xbox or computer
  • Play until 12PM
  • Take an hour break
  • Go back on until its almost 10 or 11 (while feeding and putting my son to sleep in between)
  • Keep playing until I get tired which is around 1 or 2AM
  • Get off the xbox or computer
  • Feel like shit later on
  • Repeat

So yeah, as a lay here typing this Im really fighting the urge to just go and buy the game. It feel really uncomfortable and I know its supposed to. But being a stay at home mom of two kids and never going out anywhere when you don't have a car or a license or money to do anything, or even friends. It becomes harder. Some nights I cry because of this. Because playing video games wasn't doing anything for my kids or myself. But sitting here doing nothing isn't doing anything either. I just don't know where to start. 

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Hi Ashley! I still twitch every time I hear about a Steam sale. And I had an email yesterday from Steam saying I had another 17 cents in my wallet from selling another trading card. I wish I could give that money to my Mom's steam account.

    You should check out Cam's 60+ hobby ideas article for thoughts on how to spend your time and what kinds of activities to pick. In the beginning for me, it was more about filling the time with anything. But if you can push through the withdrawal symptoms, you'll become more purposeful towards how you're spending your time.

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Hi Ashley,

It must be confusing and sad because you feel like there are not many options... I don't know much about being mother of two kids, but I think you can try something that is indoor activities. Perhaps you can't always be satisfied to do activities on the list that Cam made, but I think it's worthwhile to find one. Find one that seems more attractive than video games. In my opinion, in order to forget something like games, the best way is not trying to forget it. Instead, finding another thing that can totally replace games in your brain. If you're introvert like me, indoor activities are just ok to do instead of gaming. Otherwise, maybe someone else should help you out...

In my case, I'm an university student and I also don't have much time to spend outside, anyway, creating something was a really great thing to do. I found myself staying more focused when I make, 1. My own keypoint notes of subjects that I'm learning / 2. Subtitles of educational Youtube videos or translations of good articles. The point is, creating something instead of consuming is a really good thing to do. Whatever it is, it really helps.

I asked my mom who also has two kids, about the similar situation. She also had a lot of sad moments when the two kids start crying, and my dad didn't help. During those times, she drew pictures, and paintings after taking care of the kids. When I asked this question, I didn't mention the word 'creating something' to make sure not to lead her answer like this. However, what she did long times ago was also creating something of her own!

I wish my reply helps you to move forward with your lovely kids!

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Day 6:

Been a little busy. Yesterday I had to take my 7 month old to the doctor for vaccines (3 needles and an oral). I never like seeing my kids get stuck with

needles :(. But before I had to do that, I ended up going to 3 banks looking for a notary that was available. At the first bank, they weren't in until 1PM (it was 11AM).

At the second bank, they suggested to go to TD Bank because that's where they were sending most of their clients. SO FINALLY! I had the affidavit notarized for my son' school. 

Then I had to go to the school and drop off the affidavit and a letter for my son to be evaluated academically. This was my choice because I wanted to know where he stood when it comes to academics. 

So now, I decided to make a blog on Wordpress. At first I was hesitant to make one because I didn't know what to post. But who does? Obviously, I didn't. But I got into it and started getting ideas. I'm still getting some ideas. Lots to post over the summer. I'll make sure to keep up with it. Maybe later on I'll start posting videos. Who knows? But I will say this. It does take me outside of my comfort zone. It makes me nervous and excited. I'm getting hyped up at the amount of content I would like to show to everyone. If no one likes it, it's okay. If you do, thats great! It just feels good to know that I'm doing something that can build into something worthwhile :D

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You know I've thought about doing a blog sometimes as a way to express myself and, exactly, get out of your comfort zone. I think it's awesome that you're taking that on, ashley!

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Day 7:

Today isn't so good. 

I felt great yesterday, but today I just feel defeated. I had an idea to create a brand. The only problem is that, I can't draw anything. This is what happens when you waste years of you life to video games instead of actually honing a skill. I always envied artists who are able to create beautiful works of art, even graphic designers. 

My husband and I were going over ideas for my brand and he said "This is where art and graphic design come in, if you knew how to do these things, you'd be making bank". It didn't really hit me until I attempted to make my logo today. I know I can't create it because I don't have enough skill to do so. Nor do I have th money to hire someone to create it for me. At a time like this with how I feel, I would be on the xbox or the computer already. Just playing a game and forgetting about what I'm not skilled at and just being completely negative. Thinking about things like "Whats the point of learning? They're are already people out there who are very good at what they do" "I don't see the point. It's not going to change the fact that there are others who are way better than me that have great ideas" "No one is going to want to see my work" or my absolute favorite "Im going to die very soon, so why bother?". It's really not a good headspace to be in and feeling this way while gaming is horrible. 

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I can relate. Gaming is like anesthesia to your life, it puts you to sleep and keeps you from dealing with your life. Many times I think about the time I've wasted and the talents I've underdeveloped. But I refuse to go back to gaming just to forget this pain. We have to learn how to face it openly.

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