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Ashley K.

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  1. Day 0: I had to start all over again. I didn't make it through two weeks like I wanted, but I'm not giving up as easily as I used to. My insurance exam is tomorrow, going to wake up and study for a bit before I take it.
  2. Day 4-6: These past few days have been a little busy for me. Prepping to cook desserts. My husband is cooking dinner tomorrow and we have to wrap the gifts later tonight. I noticed something going on with me these past few days. I've been sleepier, getting dull headaches, and sleeping a little harder. I'm not sure if that's from my body catching up on sleep because I've been sleep deprived or what. I still have cravings to play The Sims 4. On Wednesday, I was rationalizing why I should play video games and that it's okay for me to play a little bit when the kids are asleep. But what stopped me is the feeling I would get after playing for long hours. The grogginess, brain fog, and lack of focus on anything. Just feeling so empty. I don't want to feel that way again.
  3. Day 2-3: Yesterday was a bit tough. Since my husband and I homeschool our two kids and they're on Christmas break, my 6-year-old son wanted my undivided attention. As you know, being a gaming addict, your attention span can be lacking--especially when you focus so much on the screen. Showing him more attention was a bit hard to do because I was starting to get stressed since I'm detoxing and he wanted to do a lot of things together that I just wasn't ready to do. It felt shitty of me and it made me feel like a failure as a mom. I should be able to enjoy these moments with my kids, but instead its the opposite. I pushed through it and I had a little fun but not as much as I'd liked. I know it takes 2 weeks up to a month for the dopamine levels to be baseline, but it feels like it's so far away. Even this morning I was craving to play Lost Ark, even though I haven't played in months. But I wasn't allowing that to get in my way and instead decided to journal about how I've felt these past couple of days.
  4. Day 1: I was contemplating whether or not I should create a new journal here or create one on Medium--So I decided to try again here. I looked over some of the journaling templates to see which one I wanted to use the most. Right now I'm not so sure which one I'd like to use. I'm surprised I'm able to write this since my thoughts are a bit clouded if I think of anything else and all I can think about is when I can start playing. It sucks that an overload of dopamine can do this to the brain. I can't wait until it levels out and I find things that are boring now, enjoyable.
  5. I can't say today is Day 1 because I just stopped playing 15 minutes ago. But today is going to be a start again. I know where I've been going wrong as far as quitting is concerned. Whenever I decide to quit, I usually have something planned out (sometimes), but then I would end up looking at it and ignoring it. I wouldn't want to do what I had planned to do. I know it's because the task isn't pleasurable at all, so I avoid it. I don't want to be this way anymore.
  6. Day 4-7 After I posed on day 3, I did end up playing. Did I enjoy it? Of course. Do I want to continue to play? Obviously. Don't we all? But I know I can't continue to play at the expense of my overall well-being. Which brings me to the question of why do I bother at all? Why can't I get out of my way and just do what I need to do? I know why. It's out of comfort. Staying within the comfort zone, our primal instincts makes us this way to keep us out of "danger" even when there isn't any. It's just the feeling of discomfort that makes our "fight or flight" kick in and we end up staying within our zone. I don't want to keep staying in that zone. There's no growth. Sort of like a plant that's trying to grow in a glass case. How can it branch out if it's confined?
  7. I started reading Atomic Habits. It did make sense to me, but I never tried to apply it to my own life. Even today, I was talking to my husband about Destiny 2 since Iron Banner is out today, plus he's going to raid. It was out of habit that made me do this. I'm so used to talking to him about it that I don't know how to stop. I know the reason behind the habit. It's because of FOMO. I feel like if I don't join others in doing something that's fun, I'm going to be left behind. But I'm happy I read this to remind me that I need to stick with my detoxing. I can't believe how close I was to relapsing--out of habit.
  8. Day 3: I ended up relapsing for two days. Yesterday and this morning. Was I proud of myself for feeding my addiction? No. But I'm not going to start back to day 1 like I usually do. I'm just going to continue. I figured that I would be able to play in moderation so I told myself "Yeah, I can do this. No problem." Doesn't work for me. My husband suggested that I would play after doing more important tasks first. I've tried it countless times. I still end up ignoring said tasks and playing for hours. I know what some will say: "Just sell the Xbox" "Move the PC to another room" "Delete your gaming accounts" I've tried those. But I'm not the only one who plays video games. My husband does also and he's not going to join me on this detox since he feels that he's not addicted and he can quit at any time. I don't believe it, so all I can do is focus on my detoxing.
  9. Unfortunately I ended up relapsing yesterday. I know that I have to get rid of the Xbox or PC, but I can't. My husband uses the PC for other things and for homeschooling. The xbox isn't even mine, it's his. Both the Xbox and PC are our room and there isn't anywhere else that I can put them. We live with my mom with our two sons and it's crowded in here as it is. I've been studying to pass my insurance state exam so that I can start working for an insurance company called Symmetry Financial Group. This will be the 4th time I'm taking it and its taking a toll on my motivation to pass.
  10. Day 2: My morning started off okay. I should have wrote down a couple of things I wanted to do last night, but I didn't know what I wanted to do so I didn't bother to do it. Out of habit I asked my husband what he was going to do on Destiny 2. He told me and that was it. I caught myself doing this and realized that this particular habit of talking about video games gets me in the mood to play and then I'll end up playing from now until 12-1 AM. I would only take some breaks when it comes to eating or going to the bathroom. But I would eat while I'm playing. What's scary is that my oldest is starting to do the same thing. I catch him eating at the computer instead of getting off the computer and eating at the table. As a parent to two kids, I don't want the same thing happening to them. I don't want to see them spiraling out of control because of video games or even social media.
  11. Day 1: I did write on my first day the other day. I ended up playing again. Today doesn't feel so great. I didn't plan out my day. I feel like it's a little difficult to do so with two kids, so my schedule is never going to be precise. I have tried to schedule my day out. But I've never got to doing anything on my list. Probably because I really didn't want to do it in the first place or I didn't push myself enough to do it. So right now, I'm feeling like crap, thinking about a lot of things. Money mainly. I'm a stay at home mom, I'm constantly failing my insurance state exam. Next week will be the 4th time I'm taking it. Besides doing that, I'm trying to figure out what sort of business I want to create and nothing comes to mind. I don't have experience in anything and I don't know what my skills are. So this is how my morning is going. It sucks but I don't want to give up.
  12. Day 1: I'm surprised that this is still up. I thought my thread would be taken down, lol. Well today is a new start. I feel like complete shit. Haven't been sleeping well and right now I feel tired and trying to focus while writing is a little challenging; All I want to do is sleep or play video games. But I know that I want my life to change. I'm tired of letting myself and everyone I love down because of my actions. The way I feel right now is now I want to continue to feel for the rest of my life. Depression Anxiety Sleep Deprivation Digestive issues (if that's a thing with gaming addiction) Brain fog Apathetic about everything These are just some of the few things I'm experiencing right now. But this is no way to live. I'm happy for those people who can game in moderation. Once a month or even once or twice a year. But for the majority of us, we have to quit gradually or cold turkey. I've tried quitting gradually. It doesn't really work since I crave more time to play. I was told not to go cold turkey since I can't do it. But I'm going to do it anyway. Btw, I'm not sure if this is a different species of turkey, I thought it was a little funny to add🤭
  13. Day 1: So...a few days ago I posted in the Introductions. I didn't even stick to my detox after I posted it. It was like I almost had no control over myself and I had to play. Out of habit. The last time I played was yesterday. Which made me a bit sad. Not because yesterday was the last day, but the fact that I kept telling myself I would quit, only to play again the very next day. I don't understand how addictions can just take over our bodies like this. Like something or someone is telling us to play and we just do it. It's scary. Today, I was occupied with getting things together to homeschool my two boys. I chose to do this because here in NYC, our Mayor took our remote learning as an option. So for the majority of the parents dont feel like this was fair at all, so a lot of us decided to homeschool our children because of it. Right now there is a petition going on to bring back remote learning as an option. I'm really hoping that they bring it back. It would take a lot of stress off our backs. But that's really what did I with my first day of detoxing. Onto day 2.
  14. Hey everyone! For some of you who've been here for a long time may know me. But for those of you who don't, I'm Ashley *waves* I'm 32 years old, married with two boys, and I've been an addict since I was a Junior in high school. The addiction got worse when I became a mom at 21 and suffering from post-partum depression. I've struggled for a reaaaally long time and to be honest, it sucks. I don't like, don't want it. I gotta detox. No matter how long it takes for me to detox, I'm going to get through it. I will be journaling on here daily. Later!
  15. Back after a few years of being away! Hey everyone!

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