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Ashley K.

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Everything posted by Ashley K.

  1. Day 2-4: Getting down the the nitty gritty of my gaming addiction is what I’ve been trying to figure out for a few years now. But I did notice a trigger that makes me go back. It’s not watching someone else play, watching a Let’s Play video or a Twitch stream. It’s from family life. It sounds bad but that’s where I think it’s coming from. I’m at home all day everyday with my 2 kids, along with my husband. The last friend I had I lost months ago because he broke our friendship for his girlfriend. I don’t have the means of going places because I don’t have any money (I’m literally poor) and I live with my parents. So when I stress out I feel like I’m spiraling out of control and I’m in this deep hole I can’t get out of. So when that happens, I play to get my mind off of it. This isn’t fun and every time it happens I feel like I’m setting myself back every single time.
  2. Day 1: I’m counting this as the first day even though I stopped playing video games an hour ago and it’s 1:18AM. I didn’t bother posting in Relapse because I wanted to get straight to the point and just keep going. It’s hard. Playing for 20+ years, being a stay at home mom and being a “hermit”. The stress from family life takes a toll on you and you look for an escape from your kids to have time to yourself and that’s where video games come in. Instead of me taking them outside to burn off some energy and to get myself out of the house. I just stay inside and stress out. It’s no way to live. I made a goal for myself to make six figures by the time I’m 37-38. Not starting what I set out to do will be my biggest regret later on in life. I’m done wasting time.
  3. Ashley K.

    Hey again

    Hey everyone, I'm Ashley and I've been on and off here for awhile. Constantly relapsing, always learning. Still learning, which is why I posted here in Relapse. I've been in a constant cirlce of relapsing for awhile now. NOt really knowing what I should be doing until I saw where my life would be if I kept going. A never ending cycle of nothing. Just lying on my deathbed, regretting everything I should've done when I could do it. I dont know about you but thats a scary thought. I know we're all going to die eventually but not today. So while Im still living, I'm going to make the most of it and accomplish everything I've wanted. Plus, I'll be posting more often and be more interactive with the community
  4. Day 5: I relapsed on Sunday & Monday. I'll be honest, It felt good...for the first few minutes. Then I felt anxious, annoyed, frustrated, zoning out, can't focus on anything but the game. I thought about my responsibilities but I didn't care at that moment. All I cared about was the game. I knew about my courses but I kept saying to myself that I won't ever be able to achieve them, so I might as well deal with it. My mindset started to change when my dog, Harry was acting weird on Sunday. Harry was acting weird when he came downstairs. He laid in the kitchen for awhile until I went to go check on him again and I saw him laying there with a big pool of bile. I got scared because I have never seen him do that before. He got up and moved and then after a few minutes, his eyes seemed like they were unable to focus on anything. My mother decided to take him to the vet in the morning. He wasn't going to make it. I went back upstairs with my 1-year-old son, Harper and I heard my mother call out to Harry. He was having a seizure. My mother had to take him to the emergency room. On the way there he had another seizure. They took him right in since he was an emergency case. They took x-rays and found out he had a huge mass in his stomach and it ruptured. So my mom decided to put him down. I was heartbroken. I had him since he was 6 months old. He was 15 years old when he died. Even though he was just a dog, he was my companion. Life is just so damn short and time just flies by and you cant get it back. I'm so done wasting time, wasting time thinking about my dreams, goals...I just have to do it. Even if it comes out downright awful and I fail. I just have to keep doing it.
  5. Day 7: I didn't realize that it has been a week already. Over the week, I had the urge to play but I had to think about other times I've relapsed, how I felt in that moment and why I quit. What I know would happen is I would start playing for a couple of hours, get frustrated about having to get off and take care of my responsibilities, forget about the courses I purchased on Udemy. Basically just give up on everything and tunnel vision video games. I know that feeling. I don't want to go back to that. Thinking about it now makes me remember how I felt when I would play. First, it would be a relief like you're cracking your knuckles or stretching after waking up in the morning, then a sense of accomplishment by constantly grinding for an item(s) for hours just to make a particular weapon or armor. At that moment, it feels great, but then you realize that it only lasts for a few minutes or so. And then its over. You realize you just wasted so much of your time just to get that stupid virtual item you can physically touch or even use. So I am proud of myself for not relapsing, being able to reflect back on my mistakes and not do it again. I am excited that I found ways to occupy my time. I take my kids outside (when it's not so cold out), play with them, do chores, do my coursework from Udemy (Taking 4 courses at the moment) and starting a blog. I'm also working on my diet. I'm vegan and I eat junk food from time to time, I need to stop doing that.
  6. My diet isn't where it should be. I'm a vegan but I tend to slip and eat junk food.
  7. Day 2: What I did today: My husband and I took our 1-year-old son, Harper out for a walk in the park. I was such a beautiful day today I didn't want to waste it. I sketched a bit while we were at the park. Then when we came back home we ended up napping. Then later on I went and picked up my older son, Aiden from school and took him to the library. Later on, I had to do a sketch of a character for my course. I hope I can keep up with this and not give up. That's what I'm afraid of the most. Waking up every morning, hoping I don't change my mind and relapse or give up on the drawing. So now I try to make sure that my time is not wasted on things that don't matter. “Alice: How long is forever? White Rabbit: Sometimes, just one second.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
  8. Day 1: So the reason why Im starting from day 1 again is obvious. I relapsed. But I got back up and just started the 90 day detox again. What I did today: I worked on my Udemy character art course. Took a ton of notes since the first part of it was very note intensive. After that, I went and picked up my son from school. I helped him with his homework and then we went ouside for awhile. I wanted to play monopoly with him but it was getting too late and his little brother wasnt going to sleep. So I told him that tomorrow was another day. What suprised me was that he didn't go onto the computer at all to play any games. I feel like I had an effect on him. So I will be doing that more often.
  9. I’ve been playing video games. Well, sort of. I quit for 5 days until I started to play on Friday or Saturday. I don’t remember which day I relapsed. It felt great but then I ended up feeling guilty after a few hours of playing. But then I kept doing it. Even though I felt guilty for playing, I still played the next day after I reflected and said I wouldn’t play anymore. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t just quit. Some people are successful at quitting and some people aren’t. Is it because I want to progress in real life? Because I want to make money because making money in any game I play is pointless because I never have any “gold” because I keep buying what I don’t need. I'm even too impatient to get the things I need in the game because it takes too long. How am I supposed to cope with that in real life when it's even slower? What I did notice was that whenever I play an MMO and I progress, I just give up in the middle or near the end, poor and annoyed. I'm wondering if this is a reflection of my life or how I'm perceiving it.
  10. Day 3: Today wasn't as great. Wasnt feeling well due to "womanly problems". So I was moody, sleepy, and just dragging myself all day. On top of it being warm when its supposed to be winter didn't help at all. I did have an urge to play after I was watching my husband progress through his game. Then I realized the reason behind why I wanted to play. Because I saw him making progress, getting better, getting items, being stronger. And I figured that is what I want to do also, Be Progressive. And gaming is an easier way to progress because it doesn't take a lot of effort as it would in real life. It made me a bit sad because when it comes to real life, its a lot slower, sometimes it is not as rewarding as you would like it to be, a lot more struggles, but I know that in the end, it's worth it. I'm glad I didn't relapse and realized that particular trigger.
  11. Day 2: Today I'm grateful for: Spending quality time with my children Being able to wake up every morning Having a roof over my head What did I do today: Since today was such a beautiful and warm day, my husband and I decided to take the kids out to the park for awhile. I loved watching my older son play with other kids. While I was watching him, I was thinking to myself about how lucky he is to be a kid. Childhood is such an important part of any child. Learning, playing, making friends, being as silly as you want (I act that way almost on a daily basis with them, lol). Also, it's nice learning from the mistakes you've made in the past. As far as my gaming addiction goes, I've learned from it and recognized the signs and feelings. It's easier to let it go. Now when my husband plays his game, I don't get any kind of urge to play. Not even when he watches Twitch. I just either play with the kids, watch a movie on Netflix, read, go on Drama Fever and watch a Korean Drama, go on Udemy and take a course in drawing or look for work from home. So far, I've been struggling to figure out what I'm good at. But I keep thinking that maybe I'm trying too hard to know what it is when I should put myself out there and try whatever seems interesting. What do you guys think?
  12. It really is! One moment you tell yourself "I'm only going to play for an hour." And then several hours pass by it's 9:00 PM. You feel so guilty about it that you just want to take your Xbox/PS4/PC and just smash it. I don't miss any of that. But even with Netflix, you have to make sure you don't end up binge-watching a TV show.
  13. Day 1: Today wasn't so bad. I had some urges but they weren't very strong like they used to be when I initially started to quit a couple of years ago. I had to take my 1-year-old son to get his blood drawn, along with my 6-year-old in tow. Then, later on, we just shopped around for a bit until it was time to go home. Now I'm watching FullMetal Alchemist on Netflix while typing this. Overall, Today was a good day. The only thing I'm still struggling with is time management and goal setting...Since I don't know what I'm good at.
  14. Thanks! Either way, Im still starting fresh
  15. So I see that the majority of journals were deleted . Thats alright. Its nice to start a brand new journal without the having other residual journals. Residual? Did I use it correctly? Anyway! I'm back after being gone for so long. Relapsing for a long time. I've posted on reddit a few times but I kept relapsing. On certain days I played I felt so bored or I felt like my day was being wasted by sitting in the chair looking at the screen. I would look outside and just think of all the things I could have been doing. But I ignored it after awhile and just kept on playing, like it didn't matter because what was I going to do with my day? I don't have a license, a job. But I know I could be working from home doing something, building my own business on the side. Taking my kids outside to play or go for walks. Each day I kept trying to rationalize the amount of time I played, but its not just about the amount of time. It's about whether or not video games get in the way of more important matters. They are. This isn't Day 1 of my journal. This is my introduction to the next chapter in my life. This will be about how I will constantly be surpassing myself with every brand new day
  16. Day 6: For those of you who who are new, I’m Ashley and I’m a gaming addict. I’m a stay at home mom of two great boys and being a gaming addict makes me get in my own way. I started playing video games when I was 5, but it never really was an issue until I hit high school. That’s when it got really bad. I never did my homework and if I did it was half-assed. I always cut class and never cared. But I knew that if I didn’t get myself out of that hole I put myself in, my life would always be at a standstill. I would probably miss my son’s graduation from kindergarten, seeing my younger son’s first steps. All the opportunities of improving myself and accomplishing all that I have been wanting to do. It feels heartbreaking while I type this to think about all of it but it’s the truth. I’ve had some days where I have urges, but they’re not strong enough. But when I do feel like I’m about to relapse, I think about what would happen, what I would be missing and what playing would do for me. Absolutely nothing. It’s just a game that’s repetitive and there is no progress. On a good note, I’ve been blogging. Nothing big or special. But I would like to build it into something. I’ve been reading a lot. Watching documentaries about how global greenhouse gas emissions are caused by livestock and their by-products by 51% and how our diet in today’s society such as beef, dairy, poultry, processed foods, etc. have such an effect on our health that most don’t realize until it’s too late. So now I’m transitioning to an all plant based diet. Basically a vegan, lol. I do apologize for the long wall of text, but I had a lot on my mind that I wants to share will all of you. It’s nice to see everyone again!
  17. Today was supposed to be my second day of detoxing. I had urges when I woke up this morning and recognized why I had them. But in the end I ended up relapsing and playing LoL. It didn't really feel great. It felt like a relief but only temporary. Yesterday I had stronger urges to play because I was getting frustrated about where my life was right now. So I told myself that I needed to change a lot of things if I wanted my life to be better. But I seem to fall right back into the same rut, the comfort zone. Scared of going outside of it because I don't want to judge myself so harshly to the point where I call it quits. Another reason is that my husband plays as most of you already know, so watching him play doesn't help. Almost day in and day out it's LoL videos, streams, listening to streams while he plays. Some of you may say to go to another part of the house. I live with my mother and her house isn't what you call "clean". It's just really...I wouldn't say dirty, but with 4 cats and a dog. It gets that way. I've tried cleaning over and over and it just gets dirty after a day. So that's another reason why I stay in my room. I'm in this situation that I put myself in that I need to fight to get out of.
  18. I figured since I'm constantly coming back and leaving. I might as well introduce myself...again. Hey everyone, I'm Ashley. I'm a gaming addict, mother of two boys, and a stay at home mom. I've been a gamer since I was 5 and I'm now 28 years old. My husband is also a gamer but has no intention of quitting since he plays in moderation. I'm scared of not playing because I get bored easily. So finding something that's just as stimulating is hard. I'll try and post as much as possible. I have a really bad habit of just quitting things before finishing.
  19. Day 7: Today isn't so good. I felt great yesterday, but today I just feel defeated. I had an idea to create a brand. The only problem is that, I can't draw anything. This is what happens when you waste years of you life to video games instead of actually honing a skill. I always envied artists who are able to create beautiful works of art, even graphic designers. My husband and I were going over ideas for my brand and he said "This is where art and graphic design come in, if you knew how to do these things, you'd be making bank". It didn't really hit me until I attempted to make my logo today. I know I can't create it because I don't have enough skill to do so. Nor do I have th money to hire someone to create it for me. At a time like this with how I feel, I would be on the xbox or the computer already. Just playing a game and forgetting about what I'm not skilled at and just being completely negative. Thinking about things like "Whats the point of learning? They're are already people out there who are very good at what they do" "I don't see the point. It's not going to change the fact that there are others who are way better than me that have great ideas" "No one is going to want to see my work" or my absolute favorite "Im going to die very soon, so why bother?". It's really not a good headspace to be in and feeling this way while gaming is horrible.
  20. Day 6: Been a little busy. Yesterday I had to take my 7 month old to the doctor for vaccines (3 needles and an oral). I never like seeing my kids get stuck with needles . But before I had to do that, I ended up going to 3 banks looking for a notary that was available. At the first bank, they weren't in until 1PM (it was 11AM). At the second bank, they suggested to go to TD Bank because that's where they were sending most of their clients. SO FINALLY! I had the affidavit notarized for my son' school. Then I had to go to the school and drop off the affidavit and a letter for my son to be evaluated academically. This was my choice because I wanted to know where he stood when it comes to academics. So now, I decided to make a blog on Wordpress. At first I was hesitant to make one because I didn't know what to post. But who does? Obviously, I didn't. But I got into it and started getting ideas. I'm still getting some ideas. Lots to post over the summer. I'll make sure to keep up with it. Maybe later on I'll start posting videos. Who knows? But I will say this. It does take me outside of my comfort zone. It makes me nervous and excited. I'm getting hyped up at the amount of content I would like to show to everyone. If no one likes it, it's okay. If you do, thats great! It just feels good to know that I'm doing something that can build into something worthwhile
  21. Day 2: So I quit the other day. Just packed up my xbox and some more games that I played once or twice and then never play it again. Went onto league of legends and sent in a ticket to delete my account. Now all I have to do is wait. This is torture. I just started and I already want to play. My husband didn't help any last night by telling me that there were games on sale on Steam. Once game in particular called Dead By Daylight. I kept telling him no I stopped playing and he said "You can still play, you just need to moderate". Doesn't he think that I have already tried to moderate. More than once. It doesn't work for me. When I play, I play for hours and then my whole day is wasted. Its always the same shit, different day. This is what I would do if I was still playing video games. Wake Up at 8 or 9AMWash my faceGet a a cup of coffeeFeed my 7 month old son and rock him to sleepTurn on my xbox or computerPlay until 12PMTake an hour breakGo back on until its almost 10 or 11 (while feeding and putting my son to sleep in between)Keep playing until I get tired which is around 1 or 2AMGet off the xbox or computerFeel like shit later onRepeatSo yeah, as a lay here typing this Im really fighting the urge to just go and buy the game. It feel really uncomfortable and I know its supposed to. But being a stay at home mom of two kids and never going out anywhere when you don't have a car or a license or money to do anything, or even friends. It becomes harder. Some nights I cry because of this. Because playing video games wasn't doing anything for my kids or myself. But sitting here doing nothing isn't doing anything either. I just don't know where to start.
  22. Day 15: I really don't know what to say here other than I've been working on drawing. Figuring out if I should go to college for an Art degree or stay at home. But I feel like I should really go so that I can learn a lot more. I had urges to play earlier this morning but I fought them off. Last night I kept trying to rationalize whether or not I should play because I figured maybe I could moderate. But then if I was to play I wouldn't be able to moderate and then I wouldn't have the drive to draw. All the focus would be on video games only and nothing else. I don't want to lose that drive to learn everything about Art and what it has to offer.
  23. Day 13: I've been on Skillshare, learning more about Art. I never really thought that I had it in me to actually do it. I guess I do. Last night I dreamt that I relapsed and didn't care about anything anymore. Everything seemed like it didn't exist. I was tunnel visioning video games while everyone else around me faded away. I got scared when I woke up because I actually thought that I had relapsed. I was going to regret ever playing but I know that I don't want to live in regret or get to that point where I'm not capable of doing anything and regretting everything on my deathbed. I'm not going to let that happen.
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