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Ashley K.

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Everything posted by Ashley K.

  1. Day 1: So...a few days ago I posted in the Introductions. I didn't even stick to my detox after I posted it. It was like I almost had no control over myself and I had to play. Out of habit. The last time I played was yesterday. Which made me a bit sad. Not because yesterday was the last day, but the fact that I kept telling myself I would quit, only to play again the very next day. I don't understand how addictions can just take over our bodies like this. Like something or someone is telling us to play and we just do it. It's scary. Today, I was occupied with getting things together to homeschool my two boys. I chose to do this because here in NYC, our Mayor took our remote learning as an option. So for the majority of the parents dont feel like this was fair at all, so a lot of us decided to homeschool our children because of it. Right now there is a petition going on to bring back remote learning as an option. I'm really hoping that they bring it back. It would take a lot of stress off our backs. But that's really what did I with my first day of detoxing. Onto day 2.
  2. Hey everyone! For some of you who've been here for a long time may know me. But for those of you who don't, I'm Ashley *waves* I'm 32 years old, married with two boys, and I've been an addict since I was a Junior in high school. The addiction got worse when I became a mom at 21 and suffering from post-partum depression. I've struggled for a reaaaally long time and to be honest, it sucks. I don't like, don't want it. I gotta detox. No matter how long it takes for me to detox, I'm going to get through it. I will be journaling on here daily. Later!
  3. Back after a few years of being away! Hey everyone!

  4. Day 1: It’s 8:01am. Woke up and the first thing I picked up was my phone to check my emails. What do I see? I see the new Call of Duty email telling me that there is an Open Beta. Good thing I don’t actually want to play. It was just a reminder that I don’t want play anymore. I’ve been a gamer since I was 5. Now I’m 30 years old, a stay at home mom, no job, no money, and still living at my mom’s house, it doesn’t do much for my morale. I always say I want to move out and have my own place but I never get around to actually trying to save money, let alone make any. I feel like money eludes me. I want to have my own home business drawing awesome doodles and putting them on shirts, enamel pins, etc and selling them on Etsy, but I never put my foot forward to do it. I think I know one of the reasons why. I think it’s because I feel that because I’m 30, there are already people younger than me doing what I want to do, so why do it? Why teach myself how to draw better? It’s going to take a lifetime. Typing that felt so depressing. I don’t want to feel like that anymore or have this mindset about myself.
  5. Day 2: Woke up really early this morning around 4:45-5:00 and I started watching a video on Skillshare on copywriting or art, I don’t remember since I started to fall asleep on it. So I fell back to sleep and woke up again around 9 and watched video on Copywriting. I actually thought it would be hard to do but it turns out it really isn’t, so that was a relief. Later on, My husband and I helped my mom clean out the basement. I was going down memory lane seeing everything again. Unfortunately, everything had to go due to mold and bugs (a handful of items were salvageable). My husband told me that I should treat myself and play Black Ops 4 since we did so much work and we were in the heat the whole time. To be honest, I was tempted but I didn’t act on it. It doesn’t feel too great saying no, but there are going to be days like this.
  6. Day 1: I woke up feeling a little refreshed, but I was in bed most of the day just practicing drawing in my sketchbook and on Procreate and watching YouTube videos on art. It was a bit frustrating because I don’t like that I create crappy art right now. But that happens to anyone who’s starting out. I forgot to mention that I got my first freelancing job as a Copywriter. I got the job last week, it’s only for an hour a day. I haven’t heard from my client yet because of the hurricane that’s going on in Florida. I’m contemplating if I should just wait until he contacts me or just find another client so that I can work more hours while keeping him on as my client also. Later on I cooked dinner and then painted a little bit, got annoyed by it because I was trying to paint realistic eyes. I don’t know why I keep trying to draw EXACTLY what I see when I know I don’t have to. I just have to draw and interpret it in my way as long as I understand what I’m seeing. Besides that, I kept constantly thinking about what I want to be doing next: — Should I continue to research how to be a better Copywriter? — Can I also continue to teach myself how to draw and start making resin jewelry or polymer clay charms? Is it too much? Or not enough? — What else can I do to make money so I can give my kids what they need? And so on. Majority of the time I’m at such a loss because I don’t know what’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to end up relapsing again and not make any progress. I want to be free, independent and live comfortably without any kind of financial worries. Where do I start?
  7. Some of you may know me, some of you don't. I'm Ashley, a stay-at-home mom of two boys, 30 years old, and a gaming addict. I've been struggling for gaming for a long time. Longer than I'd like. I'm constantly relapsing which used to make me feel bad. But there's nothing bad about it. This is a new month, so I'm starting fresh. To explain why I relapsed...I don't have an explanation other than I had the urge to game and I did. I would play in the morning around 9 or 10 AM after feeding my kids breakfast. Instead of spending time with them or focusing on learning a new skill, I was building skill in Black Ops 4 that I'll never have to use. On top of that now that I think about it, another reason why I've relapsed is that I don't have any friends. The very last friend I had pretty much stopped being my friend because his girlfriend didn't like that he had a female friend. Pretty fucked up, right? I'll admit I was hurting. Someone I thought was my best friend, just got rid of me. But I know I can't allow myself to stay in this vicious cycle that I put myself in. So now I'm getting out of it. Hello Universe, I've come to embrace what you have to give and what I want, I give to you freely ??
  8. Day 2-4: Getting down the the nitty gritty of my gaming addiction is what I’ve been trying to figure out for a few years now. But I did notice a trigger that makes me go back. It’s not watching someone else play, watching a Let’s Play video or a Twitch stream. It’s from family life. It sounds bad but that’s where I think it’s coming from. I’m at home all day everyday with my 2 kids, along with my husband. The last friend I had I lost months ago because he broke our friendship for his girlfriend. I don’t have the means of going places because I don’t have any money (I’m literally poor) and I live with my parents. So when I stress out I feel like I’m spiraling out of control and I’m in this deep hole I can’t get out of. So when that happens, I play to get my mind off of it. This isn’t fun and every time it happens I feel like I’m setting myself back every single time.
  9. Day 1: I’m counting this as the first day even though I stopped playing video games an hour ago and it’s 1:18AM. I didn’t bother posting in Relapse because I wanted to get straight to the point and just keep going. It’s hard. Playing for 20+ years, being a stay at home mom and being a “hermit”. The stress from family life takes a toll on you and you look for an escape from your kids to have time to yourself and that’s where video games come in. Instead of me taking them outside to burn off some energy and to get myself out of the house. I just stay inside and stress out. It’s no way to live. I made a goal for myself to make six figures by the time I’m 37-38. Not starting what I set out to do will be my biggest regret later on in life. I’m done wasting time.
  10. Ashley K.

    Hey again

    Hey everyone, I'm Ashley and I've been on and off here for awhile. Constantly relapsing, always learning. Still learning, which is why I posted here in Relapse. I've been in a constant cirlce of relapsing for awhile now. NOt really knowing what I should be doing until I saw where my life would be if I kept going. A never ending cycle of nothing. Just lying on my deathbed, regretting everything I should've done when I could do it. I dont know about you but thats a scary thought. I know we're all going to die eventually but not today. So while Im still living, I'm going to make the most of it and accomplish everything I've wanted. Plus, I'll be posting more often and be more interactive with the community
  11. Day 5: I relapsed on Sunday & Monday. I'll be honest, It felt good...for the first few minutes. Then I felt anxious, annoyed, frustrated, zoning out, can't focus on anything but the game. I thought about my responsibilities but I didn't care at that moment. All I cared about was the game. I knew about my courses but I kept saying to myself that I won't ever be able to achieve them, so I might as well deal with it. My mindset started to change when my dog, Harry was acting weird on Sunday. Harry was acting weird when he came downstairs. He laid in the kitchen for awhile until I went to go check on him again and I saw him laying there with a big pool of bile. I got scared because I have never seen him do that before. He got up and moved and then after a few minutes, his eyes seemed like they were unable to focus on anything. My mother decided to take him to the vet in the morning. He wasn't going to make it. I went back upstairs with my 1-year-old son, Harper and I heard my mother call out to Harry. He was having a seizure. My mother had to take him to the emergency room. On the way there he had another seizure. They took him right in since he was an emergency case. They took x-rays and found out he had a huge mass in his stomach and it ruptured. So my mom decided to put him down. I was heartbroken. I had him since he was 6 months old. He was 15 years old when he died. Even though he was just a dog, he was my companion. Life is just so damn short and time just flies by and you cant get it back. I'm so done wasting time, wasting time thinking about my dreams, goals...I just have to do it. Even if it comes out downright awful and I fail. I just have to keep doing it.
  12. Day 7: I didn't realize that it has been a week already. Over the week, I had the urge to play but I had to think about other times I've relapsed, how I felt in that moment and why I quit. What I know would happen is I would start playing for a couple of hours, get frustrated about having to get off and take care of my responsibilities, forget about the courses I purchased on Udemy. Basically just give up on everything and tunnel vision video games. I know that feeling. I don't want to go back to that. Thinking about it now makes me remember how I felt when I would play. First, it would be a relief like you're cracking your knuckles or stretching after waking up in the morning, then a sense of accomplishment by constantly grinding for an item(s) for hours just to make a particular weapon or armor. At that moment, it feels great, but then you realize that it only lasts for a few minutes or so. And then its over. You realize you just wasted so much of your time just to get that stupid virtual item you can physically touch or even use. So I am proud of myself for not relapsing, being able to reflect back on my mistakes and not do it again. I am excited that I found ways to occupy my time. I take my kids outside (when it's not so cold out), play with them, do chores, do my coursework from Udemy (Taking 4 courses at the moment) and starting a blog. I'm also working on my diet. I'm vegan and I eat junk food from time to time, I need to stop doing that.
  13. My diet isn't where it should be. I'm a vegan but I tend to slip and eat junk food.
  14. Day 2: What I did today: My husband and I took our 1-year-old son, Harper out for a walk in the park. I was such a beautiful day today I didn't want to waste it. I sketched a bit while we were at the park. Then when we came back home we ended up napping. Then later on I went and picked up my older son, Aiden from school and took him to the library. Later on, I had to do a sketch of a character for my course. I hope I can keep up with this and not give up. That's what I'm afraid of the most. Waking up every morning, hoping I don't change my mind and relapse or give up on the drawing. So now I try to make sure that my time is not wasted on things that don't matter. “Alice: How long is forever? White Rabbit: Sometimes, just one second.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
  15. Day 1: So the reason why Im starting from day 1 again is obvious. I relapsed. But I got back up and just started the 90 day detox again. What I did today: I worked on my Udemy character art course. Took a ton of notes since the first part of it was very note intensive. After that, I went and picked up my son from school. I helped him with his homework and then we went ouside for awhile. I wanted to play monopoly with him but it was getting too late and his little brother wasnt going to sleep. So I told him that tomorrow was another day. What suprised me was that he didn't go onto the computer at all to play any games. I feel like I had an effect on him. So I will be doing that more often.
  16. I’ve been playing video games. Well, sort of. I quit for 5 days until I started to play on Friday or Saturday. I don’t remember which day I relapsed. It felt great but then I ended up feeling guilty after a few hours of playing. But then I kept doing it. Even though I felt guilty for playing, I still played the next day after I reflected and said I wouldn’t play anymore. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t just quit. Some people are successful at quitting and some people aren’t. Is it because I want to progress in real life? Because I want to make money because making money in any game I play is pointless because I never have any “gold” because I keep buying what I don’t need. I'm even too impatient to get the things I need in the game because it takes too long. How am I supposed to cope with that in real life when it's even slower? What I did notice was that whenever I play an MMO and I progress, I just give up in the middle or near the end, poor and annoyed. I'm wondering if this is a reflection of my life or how I'm perceiving it.
  17. Day 3: Today wasn't as great. Wasnt feeling well due to "womanly problems". So I was moody, sleepy, and just dragging myself all day. On top of it being warm when its supposed to be winter didn't help at all. I did have an urge to play after I was watching my husband progress through his game. Then I realized the reason behind why I wanted to play. Because I saw him making progress, getting better, getting items, being stronger. And I figured that is what I want to do also, Be Progressive. And gaming is an easier way to progress because it doesn't take a lot of effort as it would in real life. It made me a bit sad because when it comes to real life, its a lot slower, sometimes it is not as rewarding as you would like it to be, a lot more struggles, but I know that in the end, it's worth it. I'm glad I didn't relapse and realized that particular trigger.
  18. Day 2: Today I'm grateful for: Spending quality time with my children Being able to wake up every morning Having a roof over my head What did I do today: Since today was such a beautiful and warm day, my husband and I decided to take the kids out to the park for awhile. I loved watching my older son play with other kids. While I was watching him, I was thinking to myself about how lucky he is to be a kid. Childhood is such an important part of any child. Learning, playing, making friends, being as silly as you want (I act that way almost on a daily basis with them, lol). Also, it's nice learning from the mistakes you've made in the past. As far as my gaming addiction goes, I've learned from it and recognized the signs and feelings. It's easier to let it go. Now when my husband plays his game, I don't get any kind of urge to play. Not even when he watches Twitch. I just either play with the kids, watch a movie on Netflix, read, go on Drama Fever and watch a Korean Drama, go on Udemy and take a course in drawing or look for work from home. So far, I've been struggling to figure out what I'm good at. But I keep thinking that maybe I'm trying too hard to know what it is when I should put myself out there and try whatever seems interesting. What do you guys think?
  19. It really is! One moment you tell yourself "I'm only going to play for an hour." And then several hours pass by it's 9:00 PM. You feel so guilty about it that you just want to take your Xbox/PS4/PC and just smash it. I don't miss any of that. But even with Netflix, you have to make sure you don't end up binge-watching a TV show.
  20. Day 1: Today wasn't so bad. I had some urges but they weren't very strong like they used to be when I initially started to quit a couple of years ago. I had to take my 1-year-old son to get his blood drawn, along with my 6-year-old in tow. Then, later on, we just shopped around for a bit until it was time to go home. Now I'm watching FullMetal Alchemist on Netflix while typing this. Overall, Today was a good day. The only thing I'm still struggling with is time management and goal setting...Since I don't know what I'm good at.
  21. Thanks! Either way, Im still starting fresh
  22. So I see that the majority of journals were deleted . Thats alright. Its nice to start a brand new journal without the having other residual journals. Residual? Did I use it correctly? Anyway! I'm back after being gone for so long. Relapsing for a long time. I've posted on reddit a few times but I kept relapsing. On certain days I played I felt so bored or I felt like my day was being wasted by sitting in the chair looking at the screen. I would look outside and just think of all the things I could have been doing. But I ignored it after awhile and just kept on playing, like it didn't matter because what was I going to do with my day? I don't have a license, a job. But I know I could be working from home doing something, building my own business on the side. Taking my kids outside to play or go for walks. Each day I kept trying to rationalize the amount of time I played, but its not just about the amount of time. It's about whether or not video games get in the way of more important matters. They are. This isn't Day 1 of my journal. This is my introduction to the next chapter in my life. This will be about how I will constantly be surpassing myself with every brand new day
  23. Day 6: For those of you who who are new, I’m Ashley and I’m a gaming addict. I’m a stay at home mom of two great boys and being a gaming addict makes me get in my own way. I started playing video games when I was 5, but it never really was an issue until I hit high school. That’s when it got really bad. I never did my homework and if I did it was half-assed. I always cut class and never cared. But I knew that if I didn’t get myself out of that hole I put myself in, my life would always be at a standstill. I would probably miss my son’s graduation from kindergarten, seeing my younger son’s first steps. All the opportunities of improving myself and accomplishing all that I have been wanting to do. It feels heartbreaking while I type this to think about all of it but it’s the truth. I’ve had some days where I have urges, but they’re not strong enough. But when I do feel like I’m about to relapse, I think about what would happen, what I would be missing and what playing would do for me. Absolutely nothing. It’s just a game that’s repetitive and there is no progress. On a good note, I’ve been blogging. Nothing big or special. But I would like to build it into something. I’ve been reading a lot. Watching documentaries about how global greenhouse gas emissions are caused by livestock and their by-products by 51% and how our diet in today’s society such as beef, dairy, poultry, processed foods, etc. have such an effect on our health that most don’t realize until it’s too late. So now I’m transitioning to an all plant based diet. Basically a vegan, lol. I do apologize for the long wall of text, but I had a lot on my mind that I wants to share will all of you. It’s nice to see everyone again!