Journal of a Gamer Mom (possibly a manifesto too)

[Ashley K.]

Day 7:

Yes! It's been a week! I'm so proud of myself. This past week has been motivating and I didn't think it would be.

Having an awesome accountability partner along with a community of supportive people and such a great coach (Cam, obviously lol). 

So far I've been studying a lot on graphic design (decided not to give it up) and I already knew a bit about it before but I've learned even more.

I'm still going to do the other aforementioned things I was going to do. It's just going to take time, that's all.

It's hard and heartbreaking for me to watch my husband playing video games, watching streams, looking up websites on Pokemon to help his gameplay.  But there's not much I can do there. I just have to focus on my progress and where I'm headed with the goals I'm setting for myself. Today my son wanted to blow bubbles outside while I was cooking dinner, I let him but told him to stay on the porch where I can see him. I noticed that I didn't become as irritated as I used to when I would be playing video games and he would bother me and distract me. Now that I think about it, it actually makes me want to cry about how bad the gaming addiction was that I was getting irritated at my son constantly for the smallest things. But now! When I look at him, he is such an amazing kid! A bit mischevious, but what 5 year old isn't? Lol. I'm just happy that I quit when I did and I'm on the right track and appreciating the little things that life has to offer. I can't wait for the next 83 days.

Just realized that my second son will be born during my detox. November 16th

So if I can and if no one minds, I will try and either get a video or picture of Harper (baby), Aiden (5 year-old son) and myself together! 

[Ashley K.]

DAY 8:

Today hasn't been a very productive day as much as I would like it to be.

I noticed earlier today that my son who's 5 years old, plays NickJr or Nickelodeon games. He refused to use the bathroom just so that he can keep playing.

When I saw the signs of gaming addiction happening as young as him, it upset me. Moreso than I thought it would, so what I did is I downloaded Cold Turkey which blocks programs, websites, etc. and I blocked those websites from him so now the only website he knows of that he can go on is an educational website called ABCmouse, Which he is subscribed to. I told him that we were going to start reading, drawing and doing all kinds of awesome activities together.

I'm glad I caught it before it got any worse. This was my fault completely and I've acknowledged it. I tried to draw a little today and all I did was sketch some eyes and tried to sketch a mouth from a zombie (didn't work out so well). My eyes welled up when I noticed how bad it looked. I wanted to give up right then and there, but my accountability partner told me to embrace the pain/crying and that being an artist is tough and to suck it up, princess, lol. He said to kick ass, living is pain. Pain enhances the sense and adds value to life. So now, I'm pushing on and continue to draw, do my graphic design, and set up my blog with my work on it. 

[Cam Adair]

I told him that we were going to start reading, drawing and doing all kinds of awesome activities together.

That's great! Doing it together will make it easier on both of you.

[Ashley K.]

Day 9:

Even though it's been 9 days, I feel like I've made some progress.

Really didn't get to do much today other than order a mechanical drawing pencil, lol.

I'm still struggling with time management. When I try to think of things to do, it always consits of watching drawing/graphic design tutorials. I kept thinking about the times I watched tutorials on Call of Duty, Halo, League of Legends, city building games, The Sims, etc. and how I learned so much that I knew what to do and how to do it like it was second nature. Ever since I quit and I've been learning techniques on drawing/graphic design, It feels much harder than I thought it would. It's not going to make me give up since it's only a challege that I know and CAN accomplish. It's just going to take much longer than what I'm used to. But when I do, I'll reap the rewards, I'll cry knowing that for the first time I didn't give up because it was hard and I'm looking for an easy way out. Can't wait for what the oncoming days of my detox brings!

[Cam Adair]

9 days is progress! Way to go

[Ashley K.]

DAY 10:

Woke up, ate breakfast, relaxed for a little bit, then ended up drawing for literally 2 minutes until I decided to look up the KonMari method of organizing on Youtube, lol.

Decided that the majority of the things I have in my room I needed to donate. Most of which were video games. I thought I only had a few here and there in some boxes, but I ended up finding them all over the house. I threw away old papers, items that I thought were sentimental but ended up being trash anyway. I'm still on a manhunt for more things to donate. Unfortunately, I don't have any boxes at the moment to store them in so that Goodwill can come and pick them up. While I'm typing this I'm thinking what else I n need to donate. Probably electronics. The wires I have, USB cords, HDMI cables, etc I have no idea what to do with those. If I can donate them I will. I feel more productive than I did this morning. But I have to take it easy and not over-exert myself. If anyone has any other places where I can either sell/donate anything just let me know 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 7, 2016 by Ashley K.

[WorkInProgress]

Maybe ebay? Some facebooksides are blackboard style and you can write if you have something to donate/sell around your area of living. Maybe search for blackboard + your City Name.

[Cam Adair]

Feels great to have less stuff imo. Less "energy" weighing you down.

[Ashley K.]

DAY 11:

Today was another day of being a bit productive/nesting, lol.

I ended up trading in almost all of my games since some others games I have I probably have to sell on amazon, which is fine. The games I did trade in I got for over $200. I really didnt feel like waiting to sell them on amazon, ebay, etc since I just wanted to get them off my hands as soon as possible. I'm not even complaining about the amount I got from the trade in because at least it's something and not nothing . My husband gave me some games that belonged to his friend and just decided to trade those also. But certain games that was "nostalgic" like Pokemon Red, Blue, etc. He didn't want me to sell because they were classics. I, on the other hand didn't give a shit. I just wanted to get them off my hands. I talked to him about what he thinks I should do, Sell or Trade-In, he told me his opinion and that was it but I still had a hard time deciding at the time. So when I tried talking to him about what he thinks I should do, he just snapped at me and told me that he already told me his opinion and doesn't understand why I kept looking at him and asking. Mind you think happened twice throughout the day. So, I just said fine whatever, just fuck it and chose what to do. 

What bothers me the most is the fact that even though I've only quit for 11 days which he knows I have, he will constantly play video games, watch his streams, youtube videos, and read guides on certain games he plays, he will still talk to me about games which bothers me because he knows I've quit. It just feels like he has no consideration.

What's worse is the fact that he's not looking for a job right now. Maybe I shouldn't be saying this, but it's how I feel while I go through this detox. It's just bullshit. Plus the dream of wanting and needing to move out of my parents' house is looking very distant. I honestly don't know when and if it's going to happen. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to have to do it on my own.

(Sorry for the rant )

[WorkInProgress]

Rant as much as you want. To some part this is a safe environment to formulate your feelings.  

[Cam Adair]

Keep focusing on you. Let him have his own experience. 

[Pierce]

@Ashley K. Think of yourself as this incredible heroine on a daring journey, because from what I can see that's what you are, and that you are coming up against a mighty foe each day. Maybe one day it's a three headed dragon, maybe on another it's some hideous slime creature, and so on. From the looks of it, you have slain 11 ferocious monsters and lived to tell the tale. 11!! Yes, it's difficult, but think about what you've done; you just sold all of your games... that's huge! I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit for how much you have accomplished.

You're rocking this, getting closer to your dreams one day at a time. You got this!

[Ashley K.]

DAY 12:

• Woke up at 7:30AM
• Felt sluggish/sick (That's what I get for eating at 2AM, lol)
• Made breakfast for my son and husband
• Took a nap at 11AM, Woke up at 2PM
• Ate a chicken breast/pepperoni/turkey ham calzone with mozorella (husband made it. Was delish)
• Fell asleep again around 8PM
• Woke up at 10:40PM
• And now I'm here finishing up this list while I look up websites to sell my CDs/DVDs and the rest of my games

I would say today just consisted with me mostly napping a lot and eating, lol. Tomorrow will be another day where I'll get shit done 

[Ashley K.]

DAY 13:

Still didn't get much done today like I said I was going to yesterday. It's a little disappointing but that's okay. Just have to take one step at a time.

I have to work on my time management. Still looking up tutorials on it along with graphic design/drawing. There's a lot more subjects that I'm interested in learning but at the moment I'm just learning what I can on graphic design/drawing. Sold some more of my old CDs/DVDs/cellphones/games. Progress is a process. Even though it's slow, I'm still moving forward.

[Cam Adair]

One day at a time, yep! Keep it simple and use time to your advantage.

[Ashley K.]

Day 14 (Sept. 10):

Pregnancy is really kicking my ass, lol. Always sleepy 3, 4 hours after I wake up. I'm getting lazy with these journal entries. I didn't sleep very well since I had a lot on my mind. Mostly with my family (children and myself). I know I said I can't worry about my husband but I do...sometimes. Right now I feel like he's immature. But I can't be sure. What do you guys consider immature?

 

Edited September 12, 2016 by Ashley K.
Reword

[WorkInProgress]

Depends on how you define maturity. I personally think beeing mature is to take responsibility for your own life. Accepting that you are creating your own life and are responsible for any good or bad results in the long run. This also means to be hoenst about yourself and your faults and accepting who yourself are. But that is a very personal Definition. And in some way after this Definition we are all Kind of immature because this is a Enver ending Progress.

[Cam Adair]

Depends on how you define maturity. I personally think beeing mature is to take responsibility for your own life.

Well said!

[Ashley K.]

DAY 17: 

I missed a couple of days of posting in my journal. The reason why is because I've been busy .

I've been studying graphic design/illustration/some concept art. When I was tired, I watched The Walking Dead for a little bit. 

On Monday and Today I've been busy going shopping with my mom all day long. Went to my doctor's appointment today. I couldn't get an ultrasound picture of my son since he was facing my spine, lol. But I'm scheduled to have a c-section on November 10th. I finally got my Wacom Intuos tablet aaaand my new laptop will be coming tomorrow. So I'll be able to practice traditional and digital drawing/sketching. Making up some designs and eventually work on my portfolio. I hope no one thought I relapsed because I have been getting urges but I was able to fight them off by doing other things which worked our really really well. Well now I'm going to sketch a little bit even though I'm going to hate how it looks, lol and then I'm going to nap 

[Cam Adair]

Glad you've been busy!

[WorkInProgress]

Good Job!

[Ashley K.]

DAY 18:

My new laptop came today! I'm so excited to be using it to put in my journal entry . 

I wrote out what I feel I should be doing during the week in my new weekly planner. I feel its productive since it's mostly researching and practicing drawing, using the new tablet, illustration, all that fun stuff  

I'm going to go now and play around with the laptop for a little bit .

[Cam Adair]

Congrats on the new laptop! Very exciting

[Ashley K.]

DAY 21:

Lol, I missed 2 days of journal entry. I've been trying to keep myself busy. Well, today was okay. I'll just remember not to take my husband out anywhere next time. 

He kind of made it unpleasant while went shopping today. As most of you know kids, especially 5 year olds are going to make all kinds of noise since they're well...kids!

I didn't mind it much that he was talking a little loud or making noises, just don't wander away from me, let go of my hand or throw a tantrum. Other than that it's all good. He didn't really let him talk loud or make much noise because he kept constantly shushing him to the point where he was sucking the fun out of the day. Went to Trader Joe's (great store btw), a little crowded but its Saturday so why wouldn't it be? All he wanted to do was leave. My son was acting silly and my husband ended up taking him outside to wait which sucked because that's not what I wanted. So now I know that trying to go out anywhere with him may be a drag. It's been 21 days and I'm learning a lot more than I thought I would. I'm still stumbling here and there but it's going to happen during this transition. Another thing I can't seem to get through to my husband is that I quit playing video games. He talked about some brand new game that was free on the xbox and said he would download it for me. I told him that I quit playing and he just rolled his eyes at me. I don't know how many times I've said that to him. He just doesn't seem to get it. But there's not much I can do about that. Being that person on the outside looking in, the life of a gamer just seems really...dull, boring, lifeless, unfulfilling, time wasting. It's sad. What's going to happen when the baby comes? He still has no job. I'm struggling to get myself established, my priorities straight and I'm still debating on what to do besides graphic design. I've mentioned I wanted to do other things along with graphic design but I'm still thinking about what my interests are. I'll still draw, but I know I have some interests that I don't know about. This feels like I'm soul searching, lol.

 

[Cam Adair]

He has his own process. You've just got to keep focusing on YOU.