For myself

[jade_]

On 7/17/2022 at 7:29 PM, LostRiver said:

This weekend I have been clean but I watched a lot of stuffs on Youtube with my phone. It hits me after I woke up: now sober, I begin so see all the mistakes that I made while being addicted, all the people I hurt, all the missed opportunities.

And it hurt me immensely that almost everything I did "under the influence" was so wrong. Plus I am so scared to try again/ keep on working on things.

I do not want to go back to being an addict but I have no idea how I can fix my life and make a better future for myself.

I suppose for now I just keep to the AA saying of "One day at a time". Also I will go back to check on Cam's materials.

I relate to you on the not knowing how to not be an addict. Quitting gaming and other addictive things, and then forging a new set of routines and habits is like getting a whole new identity. Right now, I'm doing the same thing as you - one day at a time - trusting that I'll slowly work out who I want to be and where I want to place my energy. 
I also notice I have regrets about time wasted and a lot of missed out on growth. And this feeling of, "now I gotta face the real world without my escape pod".

One thing that's really helped is picking up guitar as a hobby. I've played here and there in the past but since quitting gaming it's been almost daily with lots of long sessions. It's been such a good outlet for when I need to focus on something separate to myself and for getting that sense of progression that games gave me, albeit at a much slower and sometimes frustrating rate.

So I hope you have something or can find something to put some of your newfound energy and time into that feels satisfying for you.

Edited July 19, 2022 by blueclouds

[Pochatok]

On 7/17/2022 at 4:29 AM, LostRiver said:

all the missed opportunities.

A small thing, but I always keep reminding myself when this thought comes up: there will be more, and there will be better. No missed opportunity prevents me from stumbling across a (better) opportunity later down the line. And, no opportunity is truly "missed"- I simply ended up spending my time in a different way. I know it's a difficult (and highly privileged) mindset to internalize, but I attempt to look at all of the experiences in my life with a spark of gratitude/affirmation for simply having lived through something that brought me to where I am today. 

[LostRiver]

First off, I thank all who have commented on this journal and anything I share here. You all have given me the strength to continue my journey. But today, I do not have much time, so another time, I will return your kind words.

Secondly, today I am here because I need to take step one: I admit that I am powerless before my video game addiction and that my life has become unmanageable.

I have not played for 12 days now. But I have watched people game and spend more time just getting glued to my phone. I have begun to lose sleep. Waking up was hard the last 3 days.

I now need to admit that any plans I had made concerning getting clean has failed: moderation (moderation of AQW playtime lead to me losing my last job), only play educational/ helpful games (sunless sea for the reading, ended up playing all night for 04 nights straight), and so so many times I tell myself: I will quit after I finish this level/ this quest or I will just play tonight and then I get clean only to come back next week/ next day.

My willpower fails. Against pain of any kind, first impulse/ reaction is to go back to my addiction. Very very few of anything I plan to accomplish in life has been realized. Someday I have so much self-doubt it leads to auditory hallucinations of people around me talking smack about my failures. I square I can hear them grouping up talking smack about me, but when I turn to take a look, they were just minding their own business. My own brain was yelling insults at me.

I have no stable hobbies: rarely exercise, or read, or do anything else. Bought many toys but let them gather dust: a harmonica, sculture set, drawing lessions, short-hand lessons, working-related materials.

And of course: no girlfriend. One girl gave me a chance, but she left seeing me falling in love with Dota and betting/ begging for free Dota cosmetics (used to spend weeks logging into Tremorgames, ggbet, etc to wait in line for free giveaways of in-game items worth 0.07 US dollars)

I also admit that I can refrain because of some external factors: I want to be presentable and maintain my job, my parents just retire so I want to keep my life together for them.

I fail to take care of myself a lot of days: health, hygiene, room all in a mess.

I tried to subsist on the kindness/ support of all you here, sort of a crutch. But I always know, it is not enough. I am so afraid of relapse if this continues.

I am struggling hard to quit gaming and as of right now, I feel terrible. But I admit I have a bit more clarity. I understand that I need to find more of myself/ my spirituality rather then just stop playing and sitting here.

I will take a vacation to travel and visit an English club for a change.

I pray to God, any higher power, whatever religion, give me the strength to not spend this vacation relapsing both gaming and phone addiction and porn.

Con lạy chúa, đấng tối cao, không kể tôn giáo, cho con sức mạnh để con nghỉ ngơi được mà không tái nghiện, dù game, điện thoại hay phim khiêu dâm.

 

 

 

[LostRiver]

Just realize I have just made another plan and randomly praying for it to work. Dear God I have no idea what to do.

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

Since you're following the 12 step method, I recommend getting yourself a Narcotics Anonymous step working guide and a notebook. I'm working out of it, and I'm addressing all of my addictions in one thing, not addressing them all separately. If you change the word "drugs" to gaming/tech use in your head, you will find it is still very applicable. Also, try to find a sponsor through ITAA or if you're part of another fellowship a sponsor there who is willing to address both gaming and that other thing simultaneously.

What we can't do alone we can do together! Of course you're using this community as a crutch, that's why we're all here. Everyone uses the word crutch like it's something we have to eventually get rid of... Forgetting that many people have to use crutches for their entire lives! I speak as a cane user... I think it's a pretty accurate metaphor lol.

[LostRiver]

Almost relapse after a few drinks on a social occasion. But I did not.

This afternoon, I listened to a wonderful talk by a member of AA.

Two points I want to share it right now, more later.

One: guy said it is bullshit that everyone is the same distance to the first drink/ game. How one guy should have support groups, meetings, sponsors and the other does not. In short, one guy will have the whole Alcoholic Anonymous between him and his first drink. I used to be the other guy. But now I have you all standing between me and my picking up (another) first game to play (again). I want to say thank you to all of you, even if we have not talked, even if you have not shared anything with me via my or your journal. Even if you don't like me. I thank you all for helping to save my life. 

Second: guy said what he does for money is his job but what he does for a living is staying sober. I need to build my life within/ together with the workings of quitting games/ addictions - no matter if it is CGAA 12 steps or Cam's program, etc. Otherwise, when going to meetings and practicing gamequitting become just activities, I will return to game. And I can lose my life because of it.

I now commit to come here everyday to update my journal. If I have nothing to share, I will just document any triggers I had during the day. One sentence works too in case I am too tired. I also commit to not writiting on my phone so as not to worsen my tech addiction! I would like to apologise in advance if what I write/ share trigger/ annoy since now I have almost no idea who I am once I step away from gaming and other addictions. I promise to be as sensible as I can. 

I also commit to attend meetings every Sunday and then come back here to document such meetings. Excited to see what will happen after "90 meetings in 90 days"

And finally, I admit to feeling like crap after 13 days of being clean. Scared and panic. Much anxiety. Fear of failure. Understanding some of the failures related to addiction in my life. I understand that it is not gonna be easy but I have made progress and I understand the consequences of failing. I have grown to appreciate and love the people, the many groups sharing this journey with me.

Once again, I thank you all. Stay strong.

[LostRiver]

On 7/22/2022 at 12:46 AM, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

Narcotics Anonymous step working guide

Really appreciate! I picked up the NA guide and I think it is more detailed than the Big book, which makes it easier for a beginner like me. 

I will find a sponsor but a bit later I guess. I am a bit afraid of entering a sponsoring relationship (or any for that matter lol). But next week, no procrastination.

Many thanks for your sharing, you made me realize that I was kicking myself for using a support group to get support lol

[LostRiver]

On 7/21/2022 at 8:58 AM, Pochatok said:

A small thing, but I always keep reminding myself when this thought comes up: there will be more, and there will be better. No missed opportunity prevents me from stumbling across a (better) opportunity later down the line. And, no opportunity is truly "missed"- I simply ended up spending my time in a different way.

Thank you. Sometimes I feel so down about a missed opportunity it would haunt me for years. I do notice better things come when I have an open my to keep looking and preparing for more opportunity.

On 7/21/2022 at 8:58 AM, Pochatok said:

I know it's a difficult (and highly privileged) mindset to internalize, but I attempt to look at all of the experiences in my life with a spark of gratitude/affirmation for simply having lived through something that brought me to where I am today. 

You did share some of the ups and downs on your journal right? You got me really interested in your "redemption"/comebacks to get to where you are today haha.

[LostRiver]

On 7/19/2022 at 3:07 PM, blueclouds said:

I relate to you on the not knowing how to not be an addict. Quitting gaming and other addictive things, and then forging a new set of routines and habits is like getting a whole new identity. Right now, I'm doing the same thing as you - one day at a time - trusting that I'll slowly work out who I want to be and where I want to place my energy. 
I also notice I have regrets about time wasted and a lot of missed out on growth. And this feeling of, "now I gotta face the real world without my escape pod".

One thing that's really helped is picking up guitar as a hobby. I've played here and there in the past but since quitting gaming it's been almost daily with lots of long sessions. It's been such a good outlet for when I need to focus on something separate to myself and for getting that sense of progression that games gave me, albeit at a much slower and sometimes frustrating rate.

So I hope you have something or can find something to put some of your newfound energy and time into that feels satisfying for you.

First off, sincerely thank you for writing me a long entry. Really comfort this addict's heart lol.

I have so much free time now I am afraid that boredom will bring relapse. And yeah, now I sort of have to create a human that has not existed before, from scratch. And I feel like crap lol. 

Picking up a hobby is slow. For now I just read and try to go out to visit some English club with a membership as I am not a native speaker. I really need to find that go-to activity that I can do even if I am exhausted lying in bed at the end of work days/ bad days. Would learning the guitar work for that? I have a harmonica

Anyway, thank you so much and let us keep going, one day at a time 😀

[Paul A.]

We’re here for you man!

[LostRiver]

2 hours ago, Paul A. said:

We’re here for you man!

Thank you so much for the kind words! 

[jade_]

21 hours ago, LostRiver said:

First off, sincerely thank you for writing me a long entry. Really comfort this addict's heart lol.

I have so much free time now I am afraid that boredom will bring relapse. And yeah, now I sort of have to create a human that has not existed before, from scratch. And I feel like crap lol. 

Picking up a hobby is slow. For now I just read and try to go out to visit some English club with a membership as I am not a native speaker. I really need to find that go-to activity that I can do even if I am exhausted lying in bed at the end of work days/ bad days. Would learning the guitar work for that? I have a harmonica

Anyway, thank you so much and let us keep going, one day at a time 😀

Hey man, yeah you're so welcome. It's really good to be part of this community. The first few weeks I was like, ah whatever I'll be fine doing this on my own. But.. these last few weeks have been tough, and it's honestly hard to share with people and feel like they understand because most of my friends still game, my partner is really happy I'm not gaming but can't appreciate some of the difficulties of quitting (similar to most adults who don't game). But yeah I feel you on the creating a human from scratch. I also have felt crap the past few days. Sticking it out, though. Really hoping this week there's some more feel good days.

Oh yeah and I would say guitar would work for that, it's definitely a good way to release emotion after rough days and it's not physically intensive. I just watch tutorials on YouTube and then play around with what I know. Harmonica's are cool, there would probably be some good YouTube videos on that if you were looking to learn more.

One day at at a time for sure. Take care!

[LostRiver]

Day 14

Last week was tough: had so many negative thoughts and got very distracted. Spent wayyy too much time on the phone just mindlessly watching Youtube (again).

I will have to pick up my work with ITAA since the last time I had a 6-month game-free streak, I basically spent all my time on my phone. Hope this time it will be different

Picked up some good advice at CGAA meeting today:

- My definition of fun is gone. Once it was gaming, now it is gone. I better start learning what is fun for me again and appreciate doing the small things and feel contend with them. Learn to laugh at myself too

- This will be a rollercoaster: it sucks then it gets better a bit, then it sucks again, then it is better a bit

- To quote the guy giving this tip: If something is good for me or I should do it, I need to do it right away.

Happy that I get to keep up the habit of writing this journal and going to meetings.

Realize that my "plan" last week did fail: I spent most of my weekends on my phone. So once again, I re-iterate that I have no idea what to do now and I pray to higher power for direction. Will start picking up step two

 

[Paul A.]

3 hours ago, LostRiver said:

Day 14

Last week was tough: had so many negative thoughts and got very distracted. Spent wayyy too much time on the phone just mindlessly watching Youtube (again).

I will have to pick up my work with ITAA since the last time I had a 6-month game-free streak, I basically spent all my time on my phone. Hope this time it will be different

Picked up some good advice at CGAA meeting today:

- My definition of fun is gone. Once it was gaming, now it is gone. I better start learning what is fun for me again and appreciate doing the small things and feel contend with them. Learn to laugh at myself too

- This will be a rollercoaster: it sucks then it gets better a bit, then it sucks again, then it is better a bit

- To quote the guy giving this tip: If something is good for me or I should do it, I need to do it right away.

Happy that I get to keep up the habit of writing this journal and going to meetings.

Realize that my "plan" last week did fail: I spent most of my weekends on my phone. So once again, I re-iterate that I have no idea what to do now and I pray to higher power for direction. Will start picking up step two

 

Have you heard of a dopamine detox? It’s basically a period of time where you go without any sort of stimulating activities for a while - more often than not this will include technology, sex, food, and things of that nature. Although, the term “detox” is inaccurate, it’s more like a fast or a reset. I’d suggest you try to go 12-24 hours without any technology. Hand over your phone (and laptop, if you have one) to a loved one and tell them your intentions. The goal isn’t to deprive yourself of pleasure, although that’s what it may feel like initially. You’re just giving your brain a rest. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

I will have to try CGAA!

[LostRiver]

Day 17

Still clean, use less phone today. Spend an hour listening to AA talk:

Move on to step 2:

- Give up prejudice: try not to pre-judge

- Show willingness to believe in higher power: wake up and pray for strength to stay clean today, pray before bed to thank higher power or to confess

- I am trying to give up everything I know so far to let in something new: I confess to having no idea what my problems are/ what my basic mistakes are? Without my games/ porn/ phone, I am a mess and I judge, I hurt, I wrong people. And I am sorry

Hope I make it to ITAA meetings at 5AM tomorrow lol

Thank you @Paul A. and @GrainSiloEnthusiast for the kind words.

[LostRiver]

Day 21st

Clean but bored, scared and anxious. Failed a detox on Saturday

Learnt how to fall asleep better:

1. Rest eyes during the day (use eye fresh drops twice + nap)

2. Eat light/ easily digestable food for dinner + do not eat late

3. Drink more water

4. Turn off brain before bed/ create a buffer zone: do not think of work/ anything stressful before bed + no screen time 20 mins => Will read inconsequential stories/ meditate/ pray before bed

5. Worry zone: remove habit of thinking of or trying to solve life worries/ problems before bed by making plans to tackle them earlier during the day. Set aside time to do create this worry zone daily

6. Have positive thoughts before bed

7. Go to bed before 10PM

8. Lower room temperature but keep warm/ wear sweater to bed

 

Will find out more about "spiritual malady"? Guy at CGAA meeting today told me that finding activities to fill in the time for gaiming is not gonna work entirely. I agree, have failed and got glued to phone again

 

Wish you all peace and health

[LostRiver]

Not-so-side note: I can now see that my addictions have altered my perception of my life: I let a lot of bad stuff go on repeat

- Messed up my sleep partern, still messed up after 15 years or so

- Messup my health, still messed up aster 15 years or so

- Made me friendless, still the same after 15 years or so

- Made me ignore the hardship my parents faced, still the same after 15 years or so

And more...

I ignored all those because everyday, I was worried only and only about getting the chance to feed my addiction or not having to face reality of my addiction. I now try to fix those, one small thing one day at a time.

I had my first miracle: on the 27th of July 2022, I woke up at 4:30am, did yoga, attended an ITAA meeting, went to work, felt like crap for a bit, did decent work and went home and did not relapse.

I thank my higher power and confirm that now, since I no longer run the show and want to live the life of a billionaire philanthropist business and fitness influencer, I am so very very happy to live each day doing my job no matter how menial, with the people around me, no matter how different they are from me, no matter their opinions of me, just let me be free from my addictions and the mental anguish that they bring. Amen.

[LostRiver]

... is that the addict life is the only life that is normal to me

Bob D. - AA

I begin to suspect that the happiest moment of my day, for many years, is when I get home from work/ school, and I get to watch random stuffs or gameplay on Youtube on my phone for hours on end then jerk off if I want to. Then I go to bed and repeat.

I want to say fuck that. But it seems off... I can tell there is a glass ceiling, a point in life where I do not want to get past because past that is sobriety, spiritual harmony and some kind of joy or love for life that I cannot comprehend. That I am not aware of. That I dare not dream of.

To my higher power, please guide me, release me of this fog, let me take one step at a time tomorrow so I can feel joy and love and laughter and peace beyond the screen. Amen.

[LostRiver]

If anyone reads this, I'm not dumping it on you. I prayed to my higher power to have the strength and clarity to work the steps from the start and I needed to a place to share and document. I will not be over-dramatic to solicit any sympathy from you all.

I am still clean but I want to re-start at step one to make sure that I have a deep enough understanding of my addiction so I can work the steps better. 

Here goes:

STEP ONE - I admit I am powerless over my addiction, that my life has become unmanageable.

The Disease of Addiction

- What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?

   It is my life. It calls and I answer. It is my master. It does not take from me because I live inside of my addiction.

- Has my disease been active recently? In what way?

   I have not played games for 23 days but now I use my phone compulsively. I am also deprived of sleep. I begin to remember gaming memories. They call to me and offer me the same "peace" that I had playing back then.

- What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe

   Obsession limits my thinking: when I play games or use my phone or watch porn, it is always "what's next" - how to get to another level, find another game, which video to watch next, which articles are cool so I can read that next, which part of this porn clip is hot, none then next clip. I cannot track anything else: time ( I never know how much time I truly spent playing/ watching), consequences (I cannot see what I miss out on, who I hurt, how I damage myself, etc).

The cravings are subconscious: the best my day, for many years, is getting back from school/ work and getting glued to my phone/ ipad/ playing games. I begin to neglect schoolwork, my responsibilities and even my own health/ hygiene because I long so much to get back to my addictions - realizing this circle is what brought me to be clean.

- When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?

   Yes, I pick up games/ phones/ porns as quickly as I can, sometimes even when I know the consequences. I really wanted to game after attending my grandfather's funeral, thinking that is was my "vacation" of some sort. I did game. I also hardly ever accomplish any plans I made. Work or life.

- How does the self-centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?

   I am thankful for my family. I am oblivious to the suffering of my parents. My grandfathers passed away without getting support or even love from me. The actual day that my grandfather on my mom's side died I woke up late after a gaming bender. I was as distracted as could be through out ceremony because I wanted to go back to game. My colleagues suffer the same, I am a bad teammate and a bad worker: slow, forgetful, lacking in work knowledge and communication skills

- How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?

   Physically: frail (I do not drink much water, bad liver + low focus/ stamina due to sleep deprivation). Metally weak: I check out/ wanting to quit at the first sight problem, bad at problem solving. Spiritually: nothing to believe in, not even myself has turned me bitter, delusional, extreme and estranged from everyone. Emotionally vacant: I do not care since I have nothing to care about not even for myself and my family.

- What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?

   I just pick up my phone when it comes bad time and lose sleep badly because of it. Was not able to get out of bed some days.

-  Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally by this obsession?

   I am now obsessed with getting home early from work. I do rush/ compromise stuffs at work sometimes. I am also obsessed with waking up at 4h30. This may have lead to me trying to change my sleep pattern and compulsively use my phone before bed. I am extremely tired in the morning. I am estranged from a lot of people because I feel I have not accomplished my goal.

I really want to continue to use my phone for hours today. 

To be continue

[LostRiver]

Used phone before bed yesterday, woke up feeling terrible. The NA guide mentions "Before we begin working the First Step, we must become abstinent-whatever it takes... If we've been clean awhileand our First Step is about our powerlessness over some other behavior that's made our lives unmanageable, we need to find a way to stop the behavior so that our surrender isn't clouded by continued acting out." I will stop.

Denial

- Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behavior? What have they been?

  Yes, I have. Many times

  Peace is what I would refer to a lot. I use my phone/ I play games because they bring me peace of mind. No matter how much time they take from me. Or any other consequences.

  Then lack of time: when I compulsively pick up or abandom something, I would blame it on the pressure of lack of time.

  No skills/ no experience: I would avoid certain responsibilit  ies because I fear that I do not have the "adequate" skills.

  Sometimes I would refuse to learn or think about a problem because I consider that "I do not have the necessary information/ approach". 

- Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?

  Yes, I have. Many times.

  I make a lot of plans. But I compulsively pick up a lot of other stuffs thinking they are urgent/ necessary. I then get upset when my plans fail. I never ask why truly so.

- How have I blamed other people for my behavior?

  Yes, I have. Sadly, I blame my parents: "they never taught me how to develop myself and build my future". I blame my old boss for putting me under pressure. I blame the system so many times I lost count. And I hate. I used to have so much hate in me that I basically lived off such hate.

- How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?

  Yes, I have compared my addictions with others' shortcomings. I think "What they are capable of is always worse then the mistakes I can make. They can BRING THE WHOLE SYSTEM DOWN while I only try to make EVERYONE'S LIFE BETTER!!!"

  I never realize that my addiction is bad enough already. For me. For those around me. I never did.

- Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?

  Yes, I often silver lining my relapses, comparing them to ones I committed in past slippery slopes. I never realize that small relapses will bring back bad habits and once again, another collapse.

  Yes, I am terrified as I realize, just now, that I always think that if I know something to be true, then I will do it. But it is so far from the truth. I used to sit down and write pages about the harmful effects of video games when I was young. To me back then, it was all true and I have figured it out. What I wrote down could have been true, but until now I am still a recovering addict. 

- Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behavior under control before it gets out of hand?

  At least, this is a no for me. I admit that I have no idea what to do next. And all I do now is just pray, work the steps by this guide and go to meetings.

  But I do get lazy and just cling to anything that I learn recently, thinking that you know, I have been pretty lax with myself but if I work as hard as I can, and follow WHAT I LEARNED as closely as I can, I will make it. I now know that it is not true. I need to go to more meetings, at least. Anything else, I have no idea.

- Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others will think?

 Yes, I hide from the fact that I have lost years of my life to my addiction. I actually run away mentally/ shut down mentally when I have to take actions to fix my mistakes.

 In fact I am so afraid, I think I attribute any of my mistakes/ slipups, no matter how small to the fact that I am an addict. That is partly why my hygiene/ my health is in ruins. I am so afraid to face my mistakes that I rather die than take actions.

 Yes, I am afraid to not use my smartphone anymore because I worry colleagues will find out that I am an addict. I never took certain steps because I'm afraid my parents will know I am an addict. They must know already but they still love me.

That's it for today.

 

 

 

Edited August 3, 2022 by LostRiver
Missed important point.

[LostRiver]

MY PHONE WAS MY FUCKING LIFE SOURCE!!!

SOME DAYS I SURVIVED BECAUSE I WAS ABLE TO LOOK AT SHIT ON MY PHONE, DRAG MYSELF ALONG THE DAY WHILE IMITATING INFLUENCERS. WITHOUT MY PHONE I REALIZE THAT I AM ALMOST A MEANINGLESS SHADOW.

I have leanrt to put my phone down and learnt to not use it in the morning and in the evening. I repeat: I do not want my phone to be my life source. I do not ever want to live a life where the best moment of my day is getting home from work/ school, eat then watch stuffs on my phone/ game for hours, then jerk off if I want, then sleep, then repeat.

Hitting Bottom: Despair and Isolation

What crisis brought me to recovery?

- I got past over the 3rd time for a promotion. I look like an absolute loser to the younger people at work. I would not dare to look at people who know me. Worse, I realize A LOT of people tried to help me and I sabotaged myself or did not even know that I was wrong. I was under the influence that had everything been nicer for me, I would have made it,  And I blamed everybody for it.

- I realized my addictions is my life. Deep inside I am so lost and scared that I live day by day and the smallest problem will devastate me. I have so much self-doubt and loathing that I rationalized that my DEATH is legitimate, or sort of called-for.

- I have done everything wrong. I have feed off of my parents hardwork, hardship to provide for my family. I do not even know where to start.

What crisis brought me to recovery?

- I cannot tolerate myself and my life anymore. I have come to a point of spiritual stoppage. Its like I hit a wall and my soul and my body told my ego/ so-called willpower to shut the fuck up because they could not take it anymore. I was burnt out, I was tired all the time. I lost the will and direction to live. I relapsed again and again.

When did I first recognize my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not?

- Conciously, about a month a ago I realized that I have to stop or something really bad will happen. I got off game for 2 weeks then I realized my phone addiction took root when I was in grade 8th and now it took over my life. 

- I first subconsciously realized my issues about 01 year before taking university entrance exam, when I was around 13. Was a big event back then so I did not want to fail my parents. I wrote down the harmful effects of gaming. Then I started gaming again. And I did not stop for 15 years.

Edited August 4, 2022 by LostRiver

[Faroe Islander]

Hope it gets better

For now congratulations on getting away from your computer and limiting phone usage that in itself is hard and deserves recognition.

And about someone finding out about your troubles don't worry, facing an addiction is an admirable action to undertake and we are all proud of you for trying to deal with it.

Good luck on your journey of self discovery

[LostRiver]

Summary of meeting on Friday:

- Gotta notice more the content I binge watch on youtube: gaming, food/ cuisine, funny stuffs, movie clips, influencers (bodybuilding, exercising, sports, etc), aa, . That's about it. I should really stop. only things I need in that lot are food and aa.

- Porn is a "no risk high reward" to dating

- How to get the most out of meetings? I'm in Asia so I cannot regularly call people, I suppose I can add them on some social media instead. Also I commit to sharing my progress of 12 steps at any meetings when appropriate. That way I can take in advice better

Powerlessness

We are powerless when the driving force in our life is beyond our control. We cannot moderate or control our drug use or other compulsive behaviors, even when they are causing us to lose the things that matter most to us. We find ourselves doing things that we would never do if it weren't for our addiction; things that make us shudder with shame when we think of them. We may even decide that we don't want to use, that we aren't going to use, and realize we are simply unable to stop when the opportunity presents itself.

We may have tried to abstain from drug use or other compulsive behaviors - perhaps with some success - for a period of time without a program, only to find that our untreated
addiction eventually takes us right back to where we were before. In order to work the First Step, we need to prove our own individual powerlessness to ourselves on a deep
level.

- Over what, exactly, am I powerless?

I am powerless over the impulsiveness, the cravings and the habit of using my phone, particularly the Youtube app, or contents on youtube.

I am powerless over the impulsiveness, the cravings and the habit of playing videos for stimulation, escape, growth and social interaction

I am powerless over the impulsiveness, the cravings and the habit of watching and jerking off to porn

Updated after 2 weeks being clean: I am powerless over all the years I lost, all the wrongs I did when I was addicted.

I am powerless over the fact that it might take me 5 - 10 years to have a healthy life. I do hope that my life gets better once I am treated of my addiction but I understand that it made my life empty for a almost 20 years.

- I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on
recovery. What were they?

I mistreated my parents and my family: I love them with all my heart. But in my addiction I was angry and/or fearful of them. I was also always too ashame to show them love. Most of all, I was physically and mentally weak to show up to take care of them, to shoulder responsibility when needed. I feel like they were my mules for almost 30 years. My parents an d grandparents too.

I mistreated my own body and health. I eat junk food, I lose sleep and I rarely exercise. I used to go on benders so often I did not want to see other human beings. I just wanted to see the screen(s). I put my brain in pain: untreated trauma, painful memories, anger, fear, anxiety, etc never tackled, never done any work about any of it. Until the day that it all broke. These days I can sit and feel my heart break. I want to break down in public. I want to stop everything just to cry or run away to nowhere.

I darkened my future. I spent all my school and college years learning little to nothing so I can live within my addiction. I wasted first 3 years of my career learning nothing. I have no discernable skills. My mind is weak and I cannot learn effectively. I want to break down in  public seeing the black hole that was my past, the void of emotions, memories, experiences. Just a shard of darkness when I look back into my life: nothing I can rely on, nothing I can learn from. Some days I wish not to exist.

I was mean and cruel. I was whiny, manipulative and calculative. I was abusive. I was wrong. I have not long term vision and plan. I was horrible person playing the victim all the time. I was unreliable and a liar.

- What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my
beliefs and values?

First off, I am not sure if I still have belief and values. They are so vague and untested. But yes, I have done things to main my addiction that is completely against my belief and values

I binge till I get sick. I got through life with luck, with the goodwill of my parents and kindness of a company/ a society that I do not understand enough yet still slander to make myself feel better.

I do not learn. I am very lazy although I believe in hardwork and practice and perseverance.

I judge non-stop though I claim to believe in equality and sympathy.

I lie and I cheat and I get my way out of responsibility.

I am frail and weak yet I follow ultramarathon runners and body builders

I mistreat my family yet I claim to be a family man

Not really a corect answer, since I did all that just to hide the fact that I have been living inside of my addiction and not knowing it. Stuffs I want to do vs stuffs that I have to do because of my addiction.

So again,

I binge till I get sick

I never learn anything new so I have time to feed my addiction

I never see any friends so I have time for my addiction

I avoid responsibilities at work and in my family

I never exercise to keep up with my addiction

I never explore the world so I can stay with my addiction

- How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example:
Do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can't
protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?)

When I get the fix, I am very lazy and passive. I just lie there glued to my phone/ ipad or just play non stop. It when I have to put those thing away to function at my job/ life that I become self-centered, judgemental, fearful, doubtful, abusive and hateful. On occasions I am manipulative and whiny and believing that I have tried my best any everything else is unreasonable or unfair for me.

Perhaps I was not so bad. I was terrible and unreliable but I was not evil. At worst, I was useless and a liability.

- Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?

I lie to my parents about learning but actually spending time to play video games. I avoid seeing people for fear of them asking them what's going on in my life.

I postpone work to go home early to play games/ watch youtube.

- Have I tried to quit using and found that I couldn't? Have I quit using on my own and
found that my life was so painful without drugs that my abstinence didn't last very long?
What were these times like?

Yes, I have tried to quit using but relapse almost the next minute.

Yes, I have quit, found my life unbearable, so painful that I returned to bubble, the numbness of games/ phone abuse. 

It takes one second mostly: my brain feels pain, then it immediately reroutes all thinking to bring up to impulse then I make the choice to return to addiction. The pain can be anything: recognizing my shortcomings, failing, recalling a failure, getting hurt/ stressed. Maybe it is avoidance/ or tiredness.

Or maybe I am addicted to the feeling of bliss that games/ phone brings: How do I want to feel? Happy? There's a million comedy vids/ shorts on Youtube. Excited? Millions of gaming vids, movies, porn and so on. I should love how I am feeling right now: which is just natural and enough. Don't have to get high all the time.

- How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself or others?

To make it short: I do not fear that I die, I fear that I will LIVE A WEAK MAN and my parents will die or spend the last years of their lives in misery and pain. I fear that their efforts, hopes and savings have gone to waste, being invested in a man with a black hole instead of a life like me.

That's it for today, relapsed - used phone for 5 hours. Just like last week. Made it to one meeting.

Edited August 14, 2022 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

My bottom lines?

Sometimes it sucks but I will do it to get sober

Answer with honesty, at least two points

Have a pitfall journal

I will do my best to stay vigilant and protect my sobriety but I give in to the higher power to guide me and protect me as I cannot control everything. If I relapse, may it be a learning experience. Amen.

Keep healthy, don't keep busy

Edited August 6, 2022 by LostRiver