For myself

[LostRiver]

Reservations (cont)

Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the places where I used? Do I think it's wise to keep drugs or paraphernalia around, just to "remind myself" or test my recovery? If so, why?

I still think I can still associate with people who played and used tech like I did. I still stay at the place that I use most: my room. Can't get rid of my phone. I am afraid that if I show up to work with an old Nokia walkie talkie, people will know I am an addict. 

I still associate with those people because they are the only friends I have. 

I still stay here because I have no place to go.

Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt?
 

I would need to use to face a lot of things: my mistakes, my loneliness, my powerlessness over my wasted past.

[LostRiver]

ITAA meet

IMPORTANT: LEARN TO ACCEPT AND LOVE SELF. MY LIFE IS UNMANAGABLE AND I AM POWERLESS. BUT I AM SO, MY LIFE IS SO BECAUSE I AM AFFLICTED WITH A DISEASE.

Will add to prayer. Very tough to remember some days

[LostRiver]

My phone addiction is flaring up during holiday. I will set up my bottom lines and middle lines now, join a meeting each day for the next 2 days and pray to my higher power that I can start abstaining again.

Also to any fellow gamequitters who read this: I am trying to avoid all of the activities listed below. Any advice on related activities that I should also avoid or any good solutions is deeply appreciated.

 

Middle line: 

- Self-neglect/ unhealthy life style: unhealthy life/ frail body will bring pain and sore and tiredness. I use when I'm tired. And I do not want to use anymore. The voice telling me I deserve the neglect and pain is bullshit. All the mistakes I made, all the opportunities squandered, all the years wasted were because I was addicted, because I was sick. I was still wrong for making those choices, I acknowledge that I myself made conscious choice to use but I forgive myself, not even becasause I 100% deserve forgiveness and a second chance, but because I do not want to have to die for my mistakes. I do not want to lose my life because of my mistakes. I still want to live a healthy live. I want to live a healthy live.

- Overeating (leads to being very full, which leads to cravings/ habit of getting absorbed into phone)

- Just one more: trying to read/ search/ watch just one more will bring on the worst - binges. Curiousity is ok. Not when it comes to using tech

- Resting with my phone: instead of just rest, I often try to use for a multitude of reasons.

- Use my phone as soon as I get home/ as soon as I wake up/ before bed (past supposed bed time): I DO NOT EVER WANT "THE BEST PAST OF MY DAY" TO BE RUSHING MY JOB, MAKING A MESS, THEN COME HOME, GETTING GLUED TO MY PHONE/ GAMES, SLEEP LATE THEN REPEAT. I'm going to clean my room, turn it into a three-star hotel room then pick up cool hobbies to actually make my free time the better part of my day.

- Entertaining with internet/ phone use. This is it. This is the line I want to set. Just like with video games, I know I can never play again without going into relapse and getting caught in my addiction. The sentiment of "entertainment" is gone for me. How I feel when I use is something else, and can never truly be entertainment ever again. I need to abstain. I will set my top lines like this: Only use tech/ phone to study and solve life's problems. And entertainment/ challenges/ social (yep, even social media or activities via tech/phone)/ escape are off limits

Bottom line:

- Compulsive use: wanting to use without knowing why or the need just appear as an extremely strong and fast drive to grab and use

- Reality escaping with internet/ phone use: trying to avoid pain/ powerlessness/ negative emotions with phone use

- Emotional guide-dogging: reading/watching curated content in order to feel a certain way or avoid feeling a certain way

- Absorption: getting into other things is fine. Not for watching stuffs on my phone: I get drawn into it 100%. First, it is my escape, then entertainment, then it holds me there because it can cater to all my emotional needs. Of course, that is dependency and addiction. Getting into things as a habit is healthy, but not Internet/ Tech/ my phone.

- Binges: absorption is the state of mind, binge is the action. Read non-stop, watch non-stop, search non-stop, without book ending. Physical limit is upwwards from 30 minutes.

- Sadly enough, the only peaceful moments that I have over the last few years were when I just lay there and enjoy contents on my phone. But I know such peace is just me escaping the real peace into another addiction. The activity to avoid here is: relaxing/ finding peace with via phone/ tech use. Including watching movies. Can never actually learn anything useful in the long run from documentaries. Will listen to podcasts again after I can abstain. Right now, podcasts just remind me that my phone is within reach to grab and use.

 

Edited September 2, 2022 by LostRiver
Forget to state that I do not want to die for my mistakes.

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

Your local library may have audiobooks on CD! You can probably find a device that plays CDs for dirt cheap at a thrift store, if not, ebay. Having to change the CD to the next one may be a good reminder to take a break.

[LostRiver]

On 9/3/2022 at 1:36 AM, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

Your local library may have audiobooks on CD! You can probably find a device that plays CDs for dirt cheap at a thrift store, if not, ebay. Having to change the CD to the next one may be a good reminder to take a break.

I downloaded a bunch of episodes of this show called - Mr Rogers Neighborhood. Very calming. Just set it to play on my laptop while I lay down. Been working so far I guess. There are so many things I want to listen to and CDs are actually more limited in my country.

[LostRiver]

Reservations (cont)

Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt?

Yes, I can't even face myself I wake up late or have a "bad" morning. When people hurt me or do not behave the way I want them to, I use. Damn I feel bad.

Is there something I think I can't get through clean, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to use to survive the hurt?

Yes, I think that after some clean time, I will be able to just pack my step work, my prayers and all aside so I can go and get more money and opportunity, etc. I already started doing that and voila: losing sleep, relapse, heavy phone use during weekends. The jobs, plural, all of it, is just for me to get by - my step work, my comittment to AA is for me to be able to live my life. 

It is tough because winning/ gaming the rat race is always tempting. But I remember that it will kill me if I go on with untreated addictions. All my experiences, one day, will be useful as God/ my higher power use me to guide, to help others and thus my higher power will provide me with all I need in my life.

It is so hard to let go of the hustle, but I need to turn my life over to my higher power and focus on taking care of myself, my family and helping God's kids.

What reservations am I still holding on to?

- I don't have to do step work everyday

- I don't have to abstain

- I don't need a sponsor

- I still get cravings to game. I am not out of the woods yet. 12 years in 12 years out. 

- I can balance my life

- I don't need help and don't need others

- I have time and money to continue living the way I have been living. Those are the lifeblood of my family that I'm consuming to live in denial about myself.

- I do not need to take care of myself/ my health/ my body. I can just keep on trucking.

- I don't need hobbies. I can just hustle any think of ways to make money all day.

- I DON'T NEED TO CHANGE
 

Edited September 7, 2022 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

Surrender

What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything? What convinces me that I can't use successfully anymore?

- I am afraid that if I leave the rat race for recovery, I will become poor. I will become a loser. And I will not be able to support my family. Of course, first and foremost, I am afraid what people would think if my life is changed due to my surrender. What people would think if they know I am an addict.

Might lose my good job because of it: give myself 100% to recovery = won't be able to learn and keep up in my job, leading to losing my job.

- What convinces me is that I was burnt out at work. I just could not take in information anymore. I cannot learn anymore. I had so much issues piling up in my head. I lost tons of sleep. I gamed day and night. (Weird but) my mouth feels like it was gonna explode.
- I did not know what it was at first but I realized that I got addicted to work. But I lost all the love, all the care in the world for myself and my family, and I let my addictions took my life so I can maintain my work. Almost kill me.

 

[LostRiver]

Surrender

Do I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence?

It is hard, but yeah, I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a longgg period of abstinence. Untreated addiction means unexplored personality. Something will come up that will cause me enough pain to use again.

I have been using for almost 20 years. First to construct a life outside of my addictions is really really tough. 20 years in 20 years out. I have no idea what will become of me once I can step away from all of these. But to part way forever, I really don't know.

Fuck

Can I begin my recovery without a complete surrender?

No because what I want to do is not just live one day/ today clean. I want have a fullfiling life with the people I love. Incomplete surrender meaning reservations will lead to relapse which will cut recovery into pieces. 

Without abstinence, my world is fake. I can never lie to myself anymore about it. Plus any relapse, no matter how small, can bring on withdrawal that can last weeks or months and can bring on even more relapses. 

 

[LostRiver]

Spiritual Principle

If I've been thinking about using or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else?

- No, I think about using then go into relapse without telling anyone. Relapse leads to withdrawal, mental anguish and then more relapse.

I act out by isolating myself (refusing social calls, gathers, just being alone) or judging others in my head. I have learned to resist the judgemental mind but isolation (which leads to relapse) is still my vice of choice. I wish I can tell someone - or turn to someone when I am about act out. Would that make me whiny, or boring, or sounding negative?

But why the fuck would I need to worry about sounding whiny/ negative when my addiction has been KILLING me? I RATHER BE WHINY THEN DIE IN SILENT BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS TO HELP ME AND I CANNOT WITH MY OWN WILLPOWER DO THIS ON MY OWN, NO MATTER HOW HARD OR HOW MANY TIMES I TRY!!!

As I write, I do realize that I have AA discord group, ITAA outreach calls and this journal to turn to. I really need to find an ITAA sponsor soon.

- Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had freedom from active addiction?

No, I do not stay in touch that much with the reality of my disease. I HAVE MISTAKEN NOT PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WITH SOBRIETY. THE MOMENT I AM OFF GAMING, MY PHONE TOOK OVER MY LIFE. TODAY, BECAUSE I AM OFF MINDLESS BROWSING (spent days with my family, used laptop for work, planning reunion with a friend, used phone to read newspaper -  with bookend) I THOUGHT ABOUT HOW COOL IT WOULD BE IF I GO OUT AND DRRINKKKKK WITH MY FRIEND. IF I KEEP FORGETTING, CROSS-ADDICTION WILL TAKE OVER AND SOON HARD DRUGS AND ALCOHOL WILL MURDER ME.

The reality is that I need to work the steps everyday, attend 90 meetings in 90 days, find a sponsor and read literature.

My job is just to make money, my friends to keep company but stepworking and abstinence is to save my life.

Today I am 43 days without gaming

1 day without mindless browsing/ watching youtube.

0 day without porn.

Will find the function to update signature, will put these days in my signature. I want a life without them.

- Have I noticed that, now that I don't have to cover up my addiction, I no longer need to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?

 

Edited September 28, 2022 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

ITAA meet

Over-responsibility leads to self-overwhelming is a thing.

Our wills and our lives are now in the hands of our Higher Power. 
Writing can be a compulsion as well. Writing in itself cannot be a complete measure to deal with feelings

Phone is my conjoined twin lol

Keep hope while being thorough and fearless writing the four steps. Keep hope.

Step four can mean: a list of ways I am used to beat myself up!

Accountability: If I fuck up, I have to confess it at next meeting. No more rants!

I shirk writing because:

a. I'm tired of digging dirt about myself

b. Fuck it, if all I dig up is dirt, why bother?

=> Will need to write good stuffs as well, but have to avoid silver-lining

Edited September 18, 2022 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

Been reading Miyamoto Musashi and Just for today (AA meditation), figured: the only reason to live life is to experience life. All the pain, all the shame, all the struggle along with all the joy, hope and peace. Even to experience addiction. Not to get rich, get laid, get famous, become powerful, influential, to rule the world or others, etc.

Still need to grow. But grow to be able to deepen knowledge and ability to experience and enjoy life. 

This thought gave me peace. I want to live. As I grow older, I might change my mind on what life means. But today, I found my piece and I think I also found part of the way.

Thank you Higher Power and fellow gamequitters for this revelation

 

[LostRiver]

My job is just to make money, my friends to keep company but stepworking and abstinence is to save my life.

Lạy đấng tối cao, con trân trọng và yêu quý công việc của con. Và con sẵn sàng cố gắng hết sức để hoàn thành trách nhiệm, để hỗ trợ đồng nghiệp và khách hàng trong giới hạn cân bằng cuộc sống. Nhưng con đi làm chỉ để vừa đủ sống, còn toàn bộ thời gian và phần đời còn lại, con phải dành để chữa lành tâm hồn con và tương trợ những người cũng đau như con. Con tin đấng tối cao sẽ lo cho con và gia đình con đủ ăn đủ mặc, hạnh phúc, bình yên, tai qua nạn khỏi và con vô cùng biết ơn. (x2 everyday)

[LostRiver]

Short note: after spending a total of 18 hours on the phone last three days, I lost motivation and was groggy as fuck on Monday morning. I was lucky it was a slow day at work.

Life got better that I'm off gaming but I'm losing the battle against my phone. 

Plan for tomorrow: once I got back from work, if I'm on time, I will read books. I have a list of books that I like. Then I will attend the ITAA meeting.

If I'm late, I will eat quitely then join the meeting, then read the books.

I will order some good food so I can eat alone and enjoy the experience: no fatty food tho.

I will go straight to prayer tonight and next morning about staying clean tomorrow night because I know my plans alone are highly likely to fail. May higher power help me.

[LostRiver]

AA meet on Sunday:

Fail to confess to my relapse, felt terrible

Met Rob: 56, with 01 year-old son. Trying to get clean to raise son. Well-travelled. Tells me to slow down, wait for about 01 year of sobriety before getting girlfriend or anything new. Plans for situations that can lead to relapse.

[Yan]

On 4/17/2022 at 7:35 AM, LostRiver said:

I joined this site on 2017. Did not stick

Came back on and off, quitting never stick

But now I really want to quit to grow in the job I like and have more friends plus live a more fulfilling life

Hope I can give and find support to complete this journey

To myself later on and whoever read this note: Good luck, keep hope alive and I love you, you deserve all the better things in life

Mr. Goggins. Is awesome! Appreciate anyone who appreciates him 🙂 Keep at it bro!!!!!!!

[Yan]

On 9/19/2022 at 4:58 PM, LostRiver said:

Short note: after spending a total of 18 hours on the phone last three days, I lost motivation and was groggy as fuck on Monday morning. I was lucky it was a slow day at work.

Life got better that I'm off gaming but I'm losing the battle against my phone. 

Plan for tomorrow: once I got back from work, if I'm on time, I will read books. I have a list of books that I like. Then I will attend the ITAA meeting.

If I'm late, I will eat quitely then join the meeting, then read the books.

I will order some good food so I can eat alone and enjoy the experience: no fatty food tho.

I will go straight to prayer tonight and next morning about staying clean tomorrow night because I know my plans alone are highly likely to fail. May higher power help me.

Don't forget the only truth. It is poison. Our days are numbered! Use them so that you wouldn't regret anything on your death bed! No matter what happens, just remember this simple truth, and with time you will prevail, as long as you don't lie to yourself and start justifying this behavior

[LostRiver]

I actually made it out clean yesterday: attended an ITAA meeting, celebrated 60 days game free - read a bit then went to bed.

Thanks for the reminder @Yan. I've been down the road too long , sometimes I cannot remind myself about that

[LostRiver]

Heard something wonderful out of ITAA meet yesterday:

When I was living on my self-will, everything I got boiled down to things I got because I HAD to do things/ to work/ to bend over backwards to get them. Or I got them because I am "lucky".

But living by the guide of my higher power allows me to see that I'm not invincible - that a lot of people help me, sympathize for me, and support me. It allows me gratitude, the chance to appreciate the people around me.

I learn to love my parents truly by accepting my powerlessness, that this life I live is from them, because of them and to most degree for them. And I pray to higher power everyday for them to be healthy.

I know I dipped into my bottom lines again but let this be a reminder that I have made progress. I am on my way to be a better person for my family and myself.

[Yan]

6 hours ago, LostRiver said:

I actually made it out clean yesterday: attended an ITAA meeting, celebrated 60 days game free - read a bit then went to bed.

Thanks for the reminder @Yan. I've been down the road too long , sometimes I cannot remind myself about that

What does ITAA stand for? 
60 days free? Awesome!!!!! at 90 perhaps celebrate it in some way 🙂

[BooksandTrees]

Congrats on 60 days!

[Amphibian220]

So surrendering the addiction completely can be worrying?

In a lengthy exchange in RB1’s journal I remember that this member talked about cycles where he would stay clean for 2-4 months, then go back to the games and very quickly crash.

The cycle would repeat a number of times and cause him frustration. Another forum member said something similar to “Surrender your addiction”. When asked to clarify by RB1, that forum member explained “You have to accept that you are no longer a gamer”.

This was “ringing through RB1’s head” and he understood that as a man he just had to accept a new journey into adulthood and muster support from his close ones. Yes, there were these conditions that permitted him to stay in the comfort of his home giving in to time wasting , but he accepted to give it a fight.

After witnessing the exchange, I accepted that time for daydreaming has run out for me. A big part of my youth was daydreaming. So if not daydream, what great thing could I do for humanity? Cam found it but has to keep working not to run out.

Here is when I started giving weight to my promises and work effort and demanding it from others.

I am trying to learn to accept boredom, and I was able to do it by creating motivation through new connections with people. One hard thing is teaching myself more mature habits.

Yesterday I wanted to browse internet, but just wen to sleep and feel great for it cause I can exercise now.

Edited September 23, 2022 by Amphibian220

[LostRiver]

On 9/22/2022 at 4:19 AM, Yan said:

What does ITAA stand for? 
60 days free? Awesome!!!!! at 90 perhaps celebrate it in some way 🙂

ITAA is Internat and Technology Addict Anonymous. It's a support group that holds meeting using a the 12-steps program and sponsorship for recovery. Sort of like us gamequitters but using an old book and with weekly Zoom meetings.

I celebrate 60 days by overeating then going to bed early. Yeah, I'm planning to get a group of friends to celebrate with me on 90 days. I will do something for gamequitters as well, will need ideas. It will be one of the best days of my life! 😄

[LostRiver]

Listening to Bob D. "Faith without Works is Dead"

- I have a spiritual and mental sickness. Whenever I abstain successfully, my brain will think and I will feel in a certain way (physically and emotionally) to drive myself back to relapse. Observation and planning is needed.

- My self-will is my judgement. Even when it is good, it still is. I judge myself to be able to do something. But that is just entirely my judgement. Same when I think of others and of the world. I have to be careful: I need to seek help, to ask for assistance from others and to turn my life to my Higher power to save my own life.

- Bought a hard of copy of the Big book, will read and write down things I need to live by to practice the steps everyday - a.k.a worrking the steps to save my life. Will take physical note too. Will try not to make it look painful, no book of demons here!

[LostRiver]

Trying to summarize stuffs I learn from the steps, starting from step 01 so I can remind myself daily

[LostRiver]

My parents must know that I am an addict. They still love me and dote on me. Their love scares me to death. How can they love someone like me? Can I love them back? Pay them back? It might be too late!