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jade_

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  1. day 5 no porn day 25 no gaming related content day 213 no gaming So I relapsed with porn twice after I returned home from my holiday. It was weirdly not that bad but I think it's because when it was happening I kind of just accepted it and didn't waste any time. So I didn't go on a search binge, I didn't look at stuff for hours, both time it was quick and I just endeavoured to move on and get further away from porn after the act. Obviously I failed after the first time but it's been 5 days now and I feel really good about things. I'm back at work which has been exhausting but getting into the swing of it. Things feel amazing between my partner and I - we are in a really nice flow at the moment and I feel incredibly safe with her and very, very attracted to her at the moment. It's been quite astounding how I've been feeling lately. It does seem like not using YouTube as much, not looking at anything gaming related, not playing any Chess whatsoever and focusing on reading, my fitness, listening to music has been really beneficial. I have been watching some reality TV on Netflix (hello to my new addiction...). It hasn't been much though so it feels like an OK compromise right now while I keep re-balancing my brain. It really is a process not a destination with this kind of thing and if I compare how I spend my time this January compared to last January (and my corresponding stress levels) I am doing fucking amazing. So that's where I'm at right now. Keeping my head down but also letting myself have fun and feeling open and energised in my relationship. Feeling OK with imperfection. Trying to accept that things are going well. That's been really hard sometimes, to let the good in and not find reasons to discount it or ways of sabotaging it.
  2. Pretty grumpy today again today. Tired of not being in my own bed as well. I have that feeling today of just wanting to be alone for a long time but I can't exactly because there's people all around me doing things. I'm noticing myself getting annoyed with everyone and for the first time in awhile I have a distinct craving to watch porn. It is what it is though. Usually the days after these really tough days are the best ones. So hopefully tomorrow feels a bit better. Tomorrow is also the day we head home and I reckon that will be a bit of a drag with all the travel but will feel great to be home. I will do my best to enjoy the time I have left and enjoy what's here. day 18 no gaming related content day 13 no pmo day 205 no gaming
  3. day 17 no gaming related content day 12 no pmo I realised I say no PMO but I have had two or three orgasms with my partner. They were good. I look forward to being intimate again soon. It's been a bit tricky on holidays and she also has some lower back or pelvis injury that can flare up and make it uncomfortable for her. All-in-all things are good at the moment. But I am a bit grumpy and flat today. Kind of that last bit of the holiday where I'm not quite sure how I feel about it and also anticipating being back at home. I've honestly felt so different on holiday in mostly positive ways and it's hard to know how much of that is because of being on these great streaks with my self and how much is being with family and my partner without the stresses of every day life. I'm hoping I can bring some of this energy back and continue to find ways of spending my time that aren't self-destructive or that don't give back to me in some way. My main focuses this year are... career - building my private practice up and continuing to learn more about therapy and helping people with their mental health... relationship - continuing to evolve in my relationship with my partner, have more quality time together and be present in myself and with my desires and boundaries... personal - to continue my personal growth through meditation, contemplation, exercise, relationships and creativity. Essentially, keeping my head down and doing what I'm doing. There is a determination that I'm bringing to this year that built during the last half of 2022 and I'm excited to see what can come of that. Acceptance feels like a key part of it for me. Accepting that my life doesn't have be special or perfect or unique to be meaningful, and learning to accept what I have and make the best of it.
  4. day 13 no gaming related content day 8 no pmo 200 days since I officially quit gaming - have only played Chess and very, very occasional Super Smash since quitting. Wow! I had no idea that it was 200 days today, I put in the date of quitting in the day calculator and there it was. I was already coming to post to say that this last week has rushed past and I feel my brain is definitely healing on a deeper level right now. It also helps that I'm on holidays and I'm spending a lot of time with people, outside, working out and swimming. It's great to have a holiday where I'm not continuing to watch random stuff on YouTube and also not searching for porn late at night or sometimes I've done it in bathrooms while on holidays. It also feels like a real head start on "New Year's resolutions" which I never really make anyhow. Also to be honest I feel like energetically the New Year already started for me somehow. It often feels that way to me like the official calendar New Year is way off the actual New Year in my psyche. Usually it's later, like mid-Jan or Feb. So it's interesting that it's early this year. @Paul A. Thanks for the encouragement about reflecting. Since reading that I have been thinking about how much I have achieved this year. And it has been a lot.
  5. Congratulations Ikar! I briefly read your post the other day and "liked" it and had been planning to come back to post a comment. It's inspiring to see what you did over the years since you've quit and helps me understand the long-term impact that letting go of gaming can have in someone's life and ultimately hopefully my own life. Thanks for your post and I hope you keep striving for more.
  6. Very grumpy today. I had a good Christmas eve and also Christmas day. But I got hit hard with some mood swings today. Overall doing well. I had spare alone time today on holiday and I managed to avoid watching any YouTube or porn. I did a workout with my stepdad which was good. It has been day where nothing feels that satisfying. Like my dopamine just isn't kicking in how it should. It is day 10 of no gaming related content & day 5 of no pmo. It does feel like there's a bit of a flatline occurring in some ways. But not that severe. I felt very emotional at some points, almost on the verge of tears and found myself wanting to be alone a lot. It was a comedown from Christmas but no one else seemed to really feel it in the same way as me, leading me to believe it is related to withdrawals. This also feels like a time of the year to reflect. Not sure how I want to reflect but it would be good to do something substantial. I hope everyone had a nice Christmas.
  7. On holiday and feeling a bit overwhelmed. I generally find travelling pretty intense. It takes me a good few days to settle in. This trip has been good all things considered but I do feel off. Yesterday we had 2 hours of delays and a few scares around losing luggage. All is well now but I'm still feeling it. In terms of my gaming related content abstinence I've been doing great. I think I am feeling some type of withdrawals from it. Nothing major but a bit lost with what my passions are and what I spend spare time doing. I relapsed with pmo the other night which was disappointing. It almost started me down a binge but I put a stop to that. So the current standings are... Day 7 no gaming related content Day 2 no pmo I think I will do Wim Hof breathing later on to reset my physiology.
  8. Things have been really good. I surprised myself with how well I've been able to step away from YouTube and gaming related content. Last night I watched a few repeats of The Office to wind down after a night shift of counselling on a helpline and it was good. This morning I woke up, cuddled my girlfriend, had breakfast, had a morning spa (we just got new filters for it so it's extra clean) and hung out my washing. I've got another night shift coming up today and we're going away to visit my family in two days for Christmas so I'm doing some packing and organising for that. My mind feels sharper than it has in awhile and I feel clearer and cleaner. There has been temptation to watch some gaming content as well as pornography, more for pornography. I think having alternative activities ready, putting my phone on aeroplane mode and being clear on what I'm using my laptop for at night is helping. I'm also constantly reminding myself of how I've felt in the past when I engage in that stuff and how I've been feeling now that I'm steering clear of it more. Harder days will come though I'm sure so I need to keep consistent and focused. day 4 no gaming related content day 7 no pmo
  9. Let yourself be huge - Cloudkicker The whole album I find pretty inspirational and good vibes but that song in particular I love.
  10. I reckon on average less addictive but it's individual to the player also.
  11. Very exciting to hear that you're changing from accounting to psychology! It's a funny resonance because when I finished high school I initially enrolled to do accounting. Then I travelled for a year and realised I wanted to work with people so did psychology. I eventually did a Master's in Psychotherapy and Counselling and that's what I do now. That's really cool to hear you want to help people and the fact that you're on this journey of quitting addictive behaviours and bettering yourself will help so much in being able to help others Best of luck and if you have any questions or just want to chat about psychology or therapy you're welcome to DM me.
  12. Today was great. I went to the beach with my girlfriend. We had a lovely time. I feel a lot more mental clarity since enforcing a strict limit on gaming related content, including any chess related content. There's not heaps for me to watch on YouTube without that unless it's a specific interest. Today I've been reading more. It will be interesting this week at work because for the past month I've been watching some YouTube while on break or when there's no calls coming in. No more of that. day 2 no gaming related content day 5 no pmo
  13. It's been sooo long. Holy shit. I just used a calculator and today would mark 187 days since I decided to quit gaming and watching streams. I have been mostly successful. In terms of gaming I've played Chess on and off for a lot of it but recently it has been less. In terms of watching YouTube gaming related content it's been pretty bad lately. Three days ago I reinstalled Twitch on my phone and I was streams of a new game because of a new patch. It was fun honestly. I enjoyed the vibe of it. But I felt the negatives. I started waking up and wanting to watch Twitch straight away. Thankfully today my partner and I had heaps of house things to do like mounting the TV on our wall, redoing our outdoor area with a new lounge and also refilling the spa. I was on a real roll today and I realised that of late I lost my motivation with quitting because I didn't really know what to do with my spare time and the watching of YouTube or checking of Instagram had slowly increased. My guitar strings broke like 6 weeks ago and I still haven't repaired it, there's been a real block there. It's also been hard with the summer holiday period. I associate this time of year with gaming even though I'm still working pretty much all the way up till Christmas. A lot of my friends have more spare time and they are doing some gaming. So I miss that. But today re-inspired me to realign my focus on getting rid of gaming from my headspace. I did a really job for a period of making it take up waaaay less space but it's been sneaking in lately. Today was awesome though because after doing all this stuff on the house, spending some time with my Dad and feeling like a team with my partner I felt so good. I felt present and here. it made me want to write. I remembered why I quit gaming in the first place. Because this morning I was about to delete the Twitch app and I thought, "But do I even want to delete this? What's the point of deleting it 'just because', because I'll end up resinstalling it anyway." I realised I needed to find my "Why" again for doing all this. I've had a good glimpse and more today and I want to me accountable to myself again. So this is day 1 of no twitch or gaming related content on YouTube. My goal is 7 days. It'll be a good thing to do in the lead up to Christmas so I'm more focused and in the moment for it. I'm also committed to not watching or searching for adult content. That has been a more difficult journey these past few months but I am currently Day 4 on that journey. I read Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. That was an insanely good read. Mind boggling how addicting technology is and how it has slipped into every aspect of our life. Ultimately this fight has become about more than gaming. It's really a fight of getting my attention and time back from the ultra fast dopamine hits that have come to manipulate my behaviour and make me pretty unhappy and dissatisfied by a lot of things that should actually do the opposite.
  14. Quick update before I go to work today.. This week has felt pretty unfocused. Some positive things: I've been going for regular walks, feeling mostly connected with my partner and felt better at work. Some negative and neutral things: I've been watching a lot more YouTube this week, I've been sleeping less, I haven't beed meditating that much and I've been playing some Chess (the Chess has been on a site that is much more explorative and fun and less about rating. This week had a really tough beginning. I had an unprecedented situation at work which created a unique ethical dilemma. And I stressed out a lot about how I handled it on the day and for the next few days. I actually turned to Chess during this time as a copine mechanism, and YouTube as well.. So I felt like I went backwards with my screen usage. But.. on the plus side I've only watched pornography once this week and I feel reasonably confident going forward about things continuing to improve.
  15. day 104 Things are feeling good. I did watch some gaming videos on YouTube, I also watched a bit of porn last night. I spent most of the weekend outside with people. I had some really deep and close moments with my partner. We had some of the best sex ever as well... I think in large part I've been really gentle with myself the last few days and looked for all the ways I've been subtly putting myself down. Part of it was reaching 100 days without playing any games except Chess and noticing that I wasn't that happy or proud of myself. It kind of woke me up to how hard I treat myself. Sure, it wasn't a perfect 100 day. I did a lot of other distracting activities. I achieved a lot though, and I never would have thought I would be at this point 100 days ago. The journey continues...
  16. Hey man, yeah that sounds tough. It's especially hard in those first few weeks and different things work for different people. My suggestion would be going for a walk, taking showers (warm or cold), any exercise that you like or have access to, and meditation. Basically things that are offline and get you into your body and awareness. Weights or strength building are really useful for breaking through some of that craving energy. And all of the above activities help rewire your brain to the outside world or how things feel in your body as being stimulating, rather than it being tied to your computer or mental experience.
  17. day 102 I ended up watching some porn last night which was a bummer. It was a frustrating ending to what was a nice night. I also watched a bit of gaming content on YouTube but that was minimal. I meditated which felt great and I did some deep private journalling and reflecting. Then I ended up watching some Dr. K's YouTube videos, which I've found really interesting of late. I'm a psychotherapist so seeing how he thinks about and tackles problems that people present him with is sometimes educational and informative for me. The country side is pleasant today, a little cool but still fine to be outside with just a jumper. My partner is driving down today. It's been good to have some space from each other. I don't think we get that enough sometimes. Both of us hang out with our respective friends less than we'd like to and we can get pretty trapped in the house at times. It'll be nice to hangout in a different place, although I do feel little apprehensive about it and I'm not quite sure why.
  18. day 101 I'm down in the country today at my dad's country house. I haven't been here in ages. It's really nice, I'm glad I came down. The air is fresh and today was sunny with mostly blue skies. Last night I had a nasty migraine. I kept having pleasant and interesting dreams and each time I would wake to pain in my head. It felt like a paradox. So I almost didn't come down today as I thought maybe my migraine would come back or that I was sick. Once I started driving though, I felt good. It's been refreshing to spend some time with my dad and his partner. I feel more relaxed around them then I have in years. Stopping gaming might have something to do with that. They've never gamed, apart from random little mini-games. Their lives are spent mostly in the physical world, doing gardening, housework, and repairing or building things. So their brains definitely work differently compared to people who spend a lot of time gaming. I appreciate how they operate more now. They work hard and steady in the day, take a nice walk in the afternoon, make dinner early and watch TV for a few hours before going to bed early and reading. It is a simple life and I wonder if they are satisfied or if they feel something is missing. I sometimes feel like something is missing. I think a lot of us do these days. What does the city life do to us? Just being down in the country for an afternoon calmed my nervous system down. A lot of tension left me. That's something to think about going forward. Maybe I should get out of the city. Maybe my partner and I should live somewhere far away.
  19. 100 days (mostly) game free Well we reached 100 days of being mostly game free. I haven't played anything but Chess, and that was probably for about a 1 month period. I also watched some Super Smash YouTube videos and watched some Chess streams for a period of about 3 weeks. It's a big, big difference from playing games an average of 2 - 3 hours most days and watching streams for another 2+ hours. I feel like this week I'm going through a strange transition with it. Perhaps a deeper level of grieving. For time lost to gaming and because I also miss gaming with friends. I miss the escape of it and the laughing with friends late into the night. On some level it made life more bearable. But it also made life worse and then it required something to make it more bearable. I do feel lost this week. Spiritually and emotionally lost. Unsure of the future. I've done a good job though of avoiding porn and chess. Hopefully some more clarity will emerge as the week goes on. I do feel partly proud of myself but also wonder how I spent my life like that for so many, many years. I've always found being happy or proud of myself to be one of the hardest emotions for me to connect with. There's often some part of me that is critical or sets the bar higher. I'm sorry to my previous selves and how hard I've judged them. I can be so brutal with myself. I hope that the next 100 days bring more softness and patience for myself.
  20. 97 days (mostly) game free It's been awhile. Today when I was meditating for the first time in 4 days I realised how desperately I needed to journal. How I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. I sold my gaming PC which was great. I then ended up putting lots of tech stuff on Facebook marketplace which has been pretty draining to maintain. It's good to get rid of stuff but I'm constantly dealing with time wasters and I re-installed the Facebook app on my phone after having it off for about 10 months or so. I've found myself randomly checking Facebook. I also had a period where I got obsessed with Chess and ended up treating it like my old competitive games. At first I was focused on learning theory and playing patiently and with presence; soon enough I was focused on my MMR and how to get it up. So I disabled my chess.com account and asides from watching a Chess stream here or there, and playing a game or two against myself I've been off it. I did watch a lot of Super Smash on YouTube the last two days which I kind of let myself do because I had a really intensive past few days and needed to switch off. Basically, I feel like I've lost focus. As I said I haven't meditated for the last 3 days and that's the longest break I've had from meditation in about 2 months. I also stopped doing my daily stretches, and I've been more moody and had worse sleep. My job has been rough recently. I was on a roll with counselling but we were seriously understaffed for 5-6 weeks and the last 2 weeks got to me. I was angry at my organisation. To make matters a bit worse my partner and I were due to go on a holiday 2 weeks ago but she ended up injuring her back and we had to push it back by 6 weeks. This wasn't the worst timing in that I kind of need some time to save a bit of money right now, but I also really pushed myself for a few weeks leading up to the holiday. When it didn't come through I started to feel early signs of burnout with work. I ended up having to work less the last 2 weeks because of it. I've now decided that I'm going to ask for a role change at work so the counselling work I'm doing is different. I think I need a switch-up, and to have something new to learn and to focus on. I'm not sure why I stopped posting here. I think I had some really good weeks and felt like I didn't need it. I felt like I'd really conquered some parts of me during this process. But the last few weeks showed me it's easy to slip back into old patterns - especially on a subtle level. I'd say the main thing I'm struggling with now is creating those new, stable, nurturing and empowering habits to help keep me in a flow and also to replace all the time I would have been gaming. Journalling is one of those, whether it be on here or in a private journal. The meditation, the stretching, the reading, the learning. They all got me here and I've gotta keep doing that. My guitar practice slipped also. I've felt some social isolation, too. I have my partner of course but there's been a loss of contact with some friends since stopping gaming. It's not as if they aren't friends outside of it, but often how we would hang out is game, whether that be online or in-person, and trying to figure out new ways of hanging out has felt daunting. On Friday night though I had a good hang with an old friend. We made music, got a little high and watched a movie. Also went for a walk. It was a good hang but I came home at 10.30pm overstimulated and watched porn. That's also one habit that I have: I come home from late nights with friends and I watch porn to keep the good feels going. I always end up paying for it. Sometimes in life it just feels like a lot of good things come with punishments. But.. I think more often than not it's that often after a good time I don't accept that it has to come to an end, so I try and prolong it with porn, or watching streams, or staying up late watching YouTube. It can be so hard to stop and go through that process of slowing down. That's one I want to get better at. Because it's not just with friends, or getting high or great sex. About two weeks ago I had it happen just from daily life. I was killing it at work, I got off work and cooked a great meal for my partner and I, did heaps of housework and cleaned my room. I was really tired but satisfied. I was hyped up by how productive and present I'd been most of the day. That night I ended up playing Chess and watching Chess streams for like 3 hours. The next morning I was exhausted and that's when I knew I had a problem with Chess. What I needed that night was just to wind down. Meditate, read a book, stare at the ceiling, water my plants.. whatever. But I wanted to keep that "high" feeling. I wanted to "achieve" more. I felt unstoppable. And instead of resting so I could have another great day I overextended myself hugely. That night was the beginning of a downward spiral that I feel like I'm getting out of now. So that's my long update. I hope to be posting more and clarifying things regularly this next week.
  21. 74 days game free Big week. Had some heavy counseling calls at work. I also reformatted my gaming PC and listed it on marketplace. It was an emotional experience. Between work, selling the PC, my relationship and preparing to go to the snow this weekend I am absolutely exhausted. And I have missed gaming during some of the stressful times, like earlier this evening or right now. I noticed myself turn a little too much to chess the past two days. Also, turning on my PC and deleting everything gave me some nostalgia for when I used to play, and I saw some old game captures I'd taken and I did remember some of the good times I had playing story games. I was thinking how it's sad that the addictive, competitive ones really ruined what gaming used to be for me. I missed the old days when I could play story games and truly enjoy them. And in answer to your question Amphibian there's not a clear answer to whqt helps me start the day. Definitely getting up early helps. Meditation can be good but I have mostly been doing that in the evenings. In general, I've replaced gaming with guitar, TV shows, meditation, more housework, spending time with my partner. I think really guitar is probably the deepest hobby I have myself now, and I get a lot from it. I want more, though. I would like to have a clear morning routine of showering, meditating, eating a healthy breakfast. Eating a good breakfast is very supportive for me and makes me excited for the day. Ultimately, I want writing - poetry, stories and mental health articles - to be a regular hobby of mine. I've been struggling to make a habit of it and until a week ago I could hardlt write on a computer because of my eyes. I haven't got that excuse now so it's on the agenda.
  22. 69 days game free Still going strong. Had a day or two where I played a little too much chess but I've stopped the last few days. I'm also 5 days porn free asides from searching for it once 3 nights ago and then going, "this ain't it for me" and closing the browsers. I installed some new website blockers on my laptop and phone which have made it harder for me to look up which is great. Still meditating every day except two in the past 50 or so days which is a great achievement for me. Feel like I'm learning more about myself every day and I'm focused on small, incremental improvements over time. Relationship with my partner is getting deeper and stronger which also terrifies me and can trigger some of my avoidant/anxious attachment. It can be a real test to sit in the vulnerability and uncertainty of relationship. The not gaming and meditation has really helped with becoming less reactive across the board. Here's to future growth and continued refinement. Edited to say I changed the title to "one year game free" as I made the decision two weeks ago to go a full year without gaming. After that I'll choose whether I want to bring back some single player games or casual games with friends sometimes. I figure this will really give me time to see what a game free life feels and looks like, and also enough time to reset my brain to a deep level.
  23. 62 days (mostly) game free It's been awhile since I've posted and I've missed it. I had a right eye operation two weeks ago that meant I could barely read a computer screen without bringing my head close to the screen and straining. For the first three days after I wasn't allowed to look at screens at all and was on opiates to manage the pain. Things have improved a lot, though. My vision is still blurry but I can now read a computer screen without too much strain. It's been an intense time though as I haven't been able to work and get headaches if I walk outside when it's really sunny - even with sunglasses on. I've listened to a lot The Witcher audiobooks - which are absolutely amazing. I also listened to Carl Sagan's Cosmos (mind bending), and ironically Ready Player One which initially really had me craving games but by the end of it not so much. I put "mostly" in the start of this post because I have been playing some chess and over the last few days I watched a couple hours of chess streams through a chess app. The chess definitely started out innocently enough and didn't feel like a normal gaming session. But I have noticed I got a little obsessed on one day or two in terms of playing a lot in a row and also being attached to my rating. I've since stopped playing as much and am choosing to watch much less streams - going to get to none over time I think. I still plan to keep playing chess here and there as it actually takes a lot of patience and while I have not heaps to do it's been a nice way to keep my head engaged without the crazy dopamine hits of regular video games. It's definitely toeing a line, though. I also started listening to a fair bit of audio porn during my eye recovery and have stopped myself over the last few days. I'm a bit irritated by the stopping but feel ready to make some very firm and lasting boundaries around my porn use now. It was really hard with my eye recovery as I was mostly bed bound for the first 10 or so days. My relationship with my girlfriend has been surprisingly good over this period but I have noticed some anger or frustration coming up over the last few days. I'm looking at that and working on it at the moment. Finally, I'm happy to say I haven't stopped meditating and have missed one day in the last forty days. I've also been playing lots of guitar and have even created a few of my own melodies that I'm going to continue working on. Overall, things feel pretty solid and the no gaming has really opened my eyes to other ways I can spend my time. it has been difficult and I've missed gaming a lot some days, especially in recovery with less to do than normal - although it would be very difficult to game with my eye how it is anyway. The porn is still an issue and one that needs addressing, now. And the chess also needs to be monitored. It's good be able to write again, there's been a lot I've wanted to be able to share and record these past few weeks.
  24. Hey man, yeah you're so welcome. It's really good to be part of this community. The first few weeks I was like, ah whatever I'll be fine doing this on my own. But.. these last few weeks have been tough, and it's honestly hard to share with people and feel like they understand because most of my friends still game, my partner is really happy I'm not gaming but can't appreciate some of the difficulties of quitting (similar to most adults who don't game). But yeah I feel you on the creating a human from scratch. I also have felt crap the past few days. Sticking it out, though. Really hoping this week there's some more feel good days. Oh yeah and I would say guitar would work for that, it's definitely a good way to release emotion after rough days and it's not physically intensive. I just watch tutorials on YouTube and then play around with what I know. Harmonica's are cool, there would probably be some good YouTube videos on that if you were looking to learn more. One day at at a time for sure. Take care!
  25. 41 days game free I feel like shit lol I had a big week with my uncle's funeral and then I had some big sessions of Indian dance. I struggled to counsel people. I struggled to feel good in my relationship sometimes. I don't know, it's just been hard. It's not really that hard not to game, but I have felt cravings and I have DREAMED so much about gaming. I dreamed I ran a gaming store. I dreamed I was playing Halo from childhood. I dreamed I was playing LoL multiple times even though I was mostly playing dota, TFT and Destiny. Hadn't played normal league for years apart from some one off games. So yeah it's been there. I do fantasise about playing super smash sometimes. But the thing is my commitment to not gaming is so much greater than my desire to game. But.. despite that I do feel like I'm in a mild depressive episode. I get this pain in my chest, like a hole in my being sometimes. One thing I miss most is going into discord on the weekend, chatting to friends and playing some casual games. That's like really the thing I miss the most. The streams seem so pointless to me. But the gaming with friends when it was casual seems like it would be such a relief right now. And like.. I do think that maybe I could do rock climbing with friends or something like that, and at some point that would be good, but right now I'm actually real busy. I also have my second eye operation coming up this Friday which will mean I'm in bed for about a week, no screens at all for 3 days after. I'll be taking painkillers and listening to audiobooks & podcasts - that's how I managed it last time. I also watched porn like 3 times in the last 5 days, so that part has been a failure. Still been meditating every day. Had a few too many late nights. I would say overall I'm definitely struggling a bit with really taking care of myself. Despite that, my diet is good and I'm doing lots of exercise. But sleep could be better. Also my relaxation could be better - that I feel is so hard to master, because I have this desire to keep busy but I also know I need to slow down. But I used to just play games most of the time when I had time to "slow down" so that means I'm so used to over-stimulation. I think it's getting better, though. I sure as hell hope it gets better. This feels like a real rough period I'm going through.
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