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LostRiver
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Posted (edited)

Bob D. On "AA failures, low recovery rates, suicides, and surrender" (Part 3 of 5) https://youtu.be/V6g-EmmHgkA

Was listening and had a revelation: I have been losing focus at work because I used to see it as just a venue for me to get away from gaming. Now that I have been game free for 4 weeks, I begin to subconciously reject my approach. Some days I feel so much like talking and connecting with people there. So much that it breaks my heart not to.

It's funny really: I am never a social guy. At first, it was "Get over with work quickly to go home to my addiction", but at the same time "Stay at work as much as I can because when I get back home, all I do is game"

I would not dare to quit because I know gaming will devour me.

That internal battle made me real uptight at work but at the same time: bad. I was bad at work because really I was just getting it over with but at the same time wanting to spend at much time as possible. So I was bad AND I spent a lot of time at work to fix my mistakes.

Now, when things are more under control at home, I want to connect with people at work. I want it to be fun, to be a part of my journey through life. From now I will get it together. I will learn my job and work better. I will learn from other sources to develop myself even further, so I can soldier responsiblities and be a good colleagues while also taking care for my community/ network of colleagues.

Thank you Bob. D for this revelation. Thank you my higher power also.

 

Edited by LostRiver
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Posted (edited)

Removed Youtube app from phone, spent a lot of time reading the Walking dead comics, feels unmanagable. Want to take up volunteering in the evening but worry about not being able to maintain commitments. Worry about not knowing how to rest. Will learn to know when to not do too much

Bob. D taught me something great again: I am self-absorbed. It does not mean I am arrogant or ignorant of others. It means what matters most to me is HOW I FEEL. Not even how others see me. Subconciously, I need to feel good, feel okay. That's it, don't even care if I cannot take care of myself (weird), don't care about my family, just wanna feel good.

Unmanageability

- What does unmanageability mean to me?

16599694783204169129735080245614.thumb.jpg.2011f9ea9b5efc91ca57b6edc3470bdd.jpg

Unmanageability is my real life. I live inside of my addiction but I still need to maintain a "real life". With the remaining brainpower, derived from a drugged up and hurt brain, I messed up everywhere of my real life.

Outside: I have no friends, no relationships, nobody actually knows who I am or is close to me. I am bad at job, I have little prospects of promotion. Low salary, murky future. I am estranged from my family even though they truly love me. NEVER HAVE THOUGHT OF HAVING A FAMILY OF MY OWN BECAUSE I WOULD NOT DARE TO.

Inside: biggest problem is the emptiness, the void. I don't care about anything, I have nothing to say, to love, to hate. I judge, I doubt and I am weary of everything: I see the negative in everything. I have almost no school of thought. I approach every problem with the same emptiness. I don't care about this real life. All I do is that I want to feel good.

I see a circle: live in my addiction -> try to maintain real life at the same time -> become more self-absorbed, self-pitited and extreme, judgemental, hateful, distant from others -> failing and blaming everyone cuz I want everyone to live in a way that suits me (because "me" is very small and fragile since "me" is what I have left after spending all my being to devote to addictions) -> relapse and return to live in my addiction.

I will die if I keep this way: either I die on the streets since I will become a menace to any community due to my extreme, hateful, judgemental self-absorbed way. Or I will kill myself because "me" in real life gets smaller and smaller until "I" cannot stand to look at the void that is my life within my addiction anymore.

To be continued

Edited by LostRiver
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Today is my 30th day clean. I thank my family, my higher power, my fellowship of gamequitters CGAA with all my heart. Without you all, I won't even have one day clean. 

Summary of ITAA meeting:

- Hate: my addictions lead me to hate. I will remember that most negative, hateful feelings are not to be acted upon as they can stem from my addictions.

- Ways: need to read for ways to replace my phone/ my tech use. For games, at least Cam gave me ideas.

- Meetings: need to remind myself: meeting makers maketh it. Meetings bring me so many reminders of the how and the why of my addictions and definitely will help me to get clean.

- Advice: Finish step one then draw my bottom lines and all???

- Don't beat myself up over relapses: if I guilt and shame myself over relapses and forget/ or belittle the work that I have done, I am more likely to fail. I should just look at relapses to see what I can learn to not repeat such cases.

- Trinity: a good evening in my life = food + beer + phone/ tech stuffs. Gotta do away with that.

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Unmanageability (cont)

- Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I was caught? What have those things been?

I stole from the hospital once. I was caught and brushed it off as forgetfulness. I caused a lot of legal risks for my colleagues once by not doing my paperwork. I am dearly sorry for that.

- What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction? What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?

Before I got addicted to anything, I was sick and I was slow. I had bad asthma and I could not move much.

Afiter I got addicted: I became estranged from my parents, I lost all my friends, I almost flunked out of college, I became unemployed, I lost 2 jobs, my life is a black hole that it pains me a million year to look at and I cannot see myself someday or my future, most days.

Fuck

What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?

- I lost contact with all of them. I could not look them in the eye if I meet them. I am so so ashamed of the life I live that I automatically assume that I am the worst of the bunch. I feel terrible just thinking about them, about the time I had with with them and how much of a loser that I am now.

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Unmanageability (cont)

- Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?

Yes I do insist things go my way. I end up having almost no relationships whatsoever. I am the person that people tip-toe around. People who like me are always afraid of pissing me off/ hurting me. And it is so weird, I have my own way just to NOT understand people and not have it be an actual relationship. It's like I am NOT ACTUALLY trying to have a relationship with anyone.

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ITAA meeting:

Read about withdrawals: terrified 

- "Generally, withdrawal and its accompanying symptoms begin to subside after 2 to 3 months. "

Have I been in withdrawl all my life???

 

- "We have been shocked to realize how close our addict had been standing to us the entire time. Long-term sobriety asks us to maintain humility foremost in our recovery process, and that we always be willing to ask for help, practicing and deepening our sobriety on the good days to better support ourselves on the bad days"

I fail to ask for help so many times, it ruins a lot of things for me. And I am so scared.

 

- "Without working the steps with a sponsor, abstinence will be the equivalent of a dry drunk. These are people who stop drinking alcohol, but they do not do the internal house-cleaning and amends work that creates transformed lives."

I will try to get a sponsor on ITAA. Lots of nice people

 

- I just like this part. I got addicted since I was a kid and I'm so excited to see myself free from baggage and addiction. Dear Higher Power, no matter how tough it is, please let me one day heal myself and free myself from my addictions so I can be free to love myself.

"Our active addiction kept us running from ourselves our whole lives. We painfully learned that we cannot outlastingly outrun ourselves. The withdrawal experience allows us to finally stop running, turn around, and face our true selves. When we give up this addiction, we get our authentic, precious self back: sober, sane and spiritual"

 

- Note: bringing a papercopy to a meeting is really helpful. I tend to not be able to pay attention or note good parts while people read from their screens.

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Posted (edited)

TO BED HAPPY

I realized that I NEED to go bed feeling good. That is why I relapse and use my phone/ jerk off a lot more near and past bed time. Logically there can be a lot of stress during workday and other stuffs. However, such a need can come from my reliance on stimulant. And bad habits of course.

I will mediate before bed today. My verse:

Dear Higher Power, I thank you for still granting me my life in this moment (cuộc sống trong giây phút này)

Dear Higher Power, I thank you for still granting me my breath (vẫn còn cho con hơi thở)

In this moment, I breath in (4sec)

Breath out (4sec)

I thank you for still granting me my breath

I thank you for still granting me my life in this moment

Just this moment is good enough for me (chỉ giây phút này thôi, là đã rất tốt cho con rồi)

Just this moment is good enough for me (chỉ giây phút này thôi, là đã rất tốt cho con rồi)

Thank you

Amen

(Repeats)

Edited by LostRiver
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Posted (edited)

Sunday meeting:

- Admit your own shit is hard

- Do hard things

- The more energy I spend on gaming, the more powerless I am

- Accept, admit, learn, live

- Opposite of addiction is connection

- H.A.L.T - hungry, angry, lonely, tired - Sad, Regret, Hurt, Worried, In pain

- Chair told her story, spent 8000 dollars on game. Jesus! That's my yearly salary !

Edited by LostRiver
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Posted (edited)

Bob D. - AA Speakers - "Forgiveness, Letting go, Resentment, Fear, and Love" (Part 4 of 5)

18:58 help his kids and never need anything else ... discover that sense... there is a magic when helping others... everything I've gone through is useful for others... In moments like that, i feel inside me, truly, the way that I would always image that I would feel if I have enough material stuffs... I am right with myself, with God and with the World.

Found it.

Edited by LostRiver
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Unmanageability (cont)

- Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?

No I do not consider the needs of others. I view other people naturally in a very negative light: I see them as creatures of bad habits and greed, while I am enlightened and wise. But I am not. And they not. Most people have helped me, and have given me chances. I feel stupid.

I have no relationship. I am either too afraid to connect or too judgmental. I do not accept a lot of stuffs. With my employers or subordinates, I am either cold, awkward or manipulative and disregarding

Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?

Only in the past two years have I taken my responsibilities seriously. Before, I use to be so steep in my addiction, I was not able to drive myself to work. I would be late and I would call Uber and urge the driver to go fast. There is driver I know, sometimes he would show up to pick me up on demand for double the money. I agree. Later I learn that he hates me. I hated myself too, for letting him use me, but most of all, for being too weak to take care of myself. 

Then, I fail to do basic tasks most of the time. Failures, realization that I do have the necessary skills or strength stunted me. Put me in sort of a trance. I just stood there. My head blank, cannot go on. Or I began to break down internally. 

Now I still do, guilt over my past kept me from waking up some days. I still feel my heart break internally but I am able to carry on. I would not dare to do too much interpersonal work for fear of appearing a mess in front of others. A lot of my plans fail because I am afraid to start or abandon after being overwhelmed by realizing I cannot take all the information in/ I am failing.

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Posted (edited)

- Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?

Yes I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan. This has convinced me, for so long, that something is wrong with me. This reaction also has disuaded me from finishing or starting so many things in my life. A lot of things I used to do was avoidance of overcoming and facing things, rather than actually fix them. 

Also, I can fall apart so quickly that from seeing things failing to falling apart to quitting and running away, only take one second. It might a habit for me. Need to learn to adapt, new plans I guess

- Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?

Yes, but as often these days. I used to do it a lot. I used to hate when people question me or not let me get my way. It brought me a lot of hate. I just vaguely hate something when I have to face a challenge. I have to find something to hate when I am faced with a challenge. These days I understand that struggle might make me look stupid or for lack of better word: struggling. And deep down I hate it and I was afraid and insecure about myself. So I treated every challenge with "HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE ME!!!" and I hate.

Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?

I did and somehow it gave me success. But it burnt me out so much that I began to hate it subconsciously.
 

Edited by LostRiver
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Unmanageability (cont)

Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?

I used to have no day job. I mean I had a job but my addiction and depression took so much of my subconscious that in order to function at my job, I had to treat everything in it like a crisis. I became overly aggressive, mean, paranoid but at the same time very very thorough.

End of work day, I would go home, sit down and think of all the ways things could go wrong, how others can mess up, etc and how I can work through that. I became a literal vilain in a movie, plotting against the whole world.

The irony is that we were severely short-staffed so I got good results. I even took some wicked pride over my approach back then. But it burnt me out so much that whenever I tried to do that again, I just want to stop and quit on the spot.

Of course at the same time, I dove deeper into addiction because of the stress I was inevitably causing myself. I took up serious gaming again and got max level in some MMOs/ games. My "sucess" was short lived and by the time I started this journal, if I did not find AA and my higher power, I would have lost everything.

Before, I panicked alot. Any slip-ups, any failures, any conflicts would SHOCK me and turn me into a blobbering mess. I "live" with pride, with direction, with perseverance only in games. And my phone was my emotional guidance. I would feel how I want to feel by binging currated contents on my phone.

- Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.

Yes, I ignore a lot of the signs that show something is wrong with me, that my health is failing. I do subconsciously hope that it will work out or I will be able to tough it out.

For a long time after my hot streak, I cannot focus. My work would become very very slow and full of mistake. I just want to scream when I sit there. But all I did was using my phone even more, played even more games, refused to listen to my managers or any colleagues. 

Gonna go to bed early tonight cuz I have been having problems sleeping these weeks.
 

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CGAA meet:

Learn that before bed, my brain/ my ego will start thinking about things a could fix, things I should not have done. But in fact, I am actually very tired in that moment. Therefore I can never actually fix or anything if I start thinking about it in that moment. So best cause is: once again, admit my powerlessness and do the (actual) best thing: go to sleep!

I wrote a prayer about gratitude last week to put myself to sleep. Did not work. Let see if powerlessness is stronger than "supposed" gratitude. I hope it is.

Sunday CGAA meet is now my favorite: so many familiar and cool faces!

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Posted (edited)
On 8/21/2022 at 9:50 AM, LostRiver said:

CGAA meet:

Learn that before bed, my brain/ my ego will start thinking about things a could fix, things I should not have done. But in fact, I am actually very tired in that moment. Therefore I can never actually fix or anything if I start thinking about it in that moment. So best cause is: once again, admit my powerlessness and do the (actual) best thing: go to sleep!

I wrote a prayer about gratitude last week to put myself to sleep. Did not work. Let see if powerlessness is stronger than "supposed" gratitude. I hope it is.

Sunday CGAA meet is now my favorite: so many familiar and cool faces!

It works! I just tell myself: nah, I can't actually fix or change any of these stuffs NOW. Imma do the best thing which is going to sleep and let my higher power guide me. Then boom, I'm off to sleep.

Edited by LostRiver
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ITAA meeting - on Step 3

A lot of people feel uncertain about step 03, and its fine. It might even take a long time.

For me right now: I stop asking/ hustling for more money/ opportunities/ etc, I pray to my higher power to give strength and luck, I do my best. And I live life by helping others or just doing my best to fullfil my responsibilities.

Thank you all for giving me another day

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Unmanageability

Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking things will work out somehow? Describe.

The thing that I ignore for the longest time is that ALL of my plans fail, every single one of them. And that I am so lonely and miserable. Only when I manifest all of those as a black well that I can see, can feel. That stops me from functioning. Will I begin to listen. And it took almost 20 years.

When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe

This is about those time when I drive and my head is all over the place, and of course, stuck in my addiction. It just feels heavy. I feels too heavy to protect myself. Like I'm stuck to the floor and I can't move myself out of it.

I also have some sort of co-dependence/ victim complex: I am sure that in that moment, instead of fighting/ trying to survive, I would just turn my life over to fate or just let the danger devour me. Somewhere inside, I found my life to be worthless. Yet every moment that I live I judge, I envy and I hate. I hardly do anythign to fix myself.

Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.

I betray and hurt a lot of the people that give me chances and try to help me. Deep down, my shame in my addictions and my insecurities terrify me and give me TONS of excuses: that person is just out looking for themselves and not me, nobody actually cares about me, I have MORE experience than that person, that person is weak/ is panicking and now I am strong, etc

I manipulated, rejected and hurt people because I know deep down that I'm afflicted with something that I let go on for too long.

 

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Posted (edited)

Unmanageability

Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my selfrespect or sense of dignity? Describe

Yes, I used to react to failures , challenges, things outside of my control, or people confronting me about my bullshit with temper tantrum. I fake upset, outrage, pain and all play the victim, the "altruistic" victim - sacrificing myself for goodness of everybody. I fact, deep inside, I'm very very scared and lost. I have not idea what to do. I was ONLY AVOIDING ACTUALLY LOOKING INTO THE PROBLEM(S) AT ALL COST. I was just a mess, and wanted people to love me. To feel for me. So much.

This made me estremely ashame and lonely. So much that I quit jobs, hide my mistakes and lied to a lot of people who love me, care for me genuinely. I was successful in avoiding the issue tho, cuz a lot of people had to shell out for me and fix what I did or did not do.

Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?


 


 

Edited by LostRiver
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Had an exciting day but used my phone for 5 hours. I was bored a lot/ too much. Had a good moment ruined by cravings: I was on professional trip, in a hotel room watching the rain. Rain stops, sun comes out. I watch the clear sky for a while. Got bored then grab my phone. When I'm done, I realized the sun has set. I missed a beautiful moment just because I thought it was not "fun" enough. Same thing goes for my life I guess. Damn.

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Posted (edited)

Did I take drugs or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or suppress?

I am still "a guy that people walk on eggshells around", quick to anger, mean, cold but messed up on the inside.

Yes, I did do drugs and act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings. My drug was overeating, binge game/ phone use, walk up late around 11AM and with all the food in my stomache. There was almost a high to it. I use when I feel overwhelmed, self-conscious, etc. Mostly I use out of habit, to curve boredom, to hide pain. But most of all: to numb the pain, the shame of my powerlessness over my lost years, opportunities, falling behind, hurting others, failing my parents and so on.

 

Edited by LostRiver
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Offline AA meeting

Old guy Bruce: 02 things that took him a long long time to take in: One, when under the influence, he was a bad person (assult with knife, jail, many divorces,etc) but Two, he was sick. His addictions made him sick and made him do bad things.

It sounds ordinary for me hearing him say it.

Until I talked to another guy Steward: he saw through me and he asked if I can accept myself now. No. 7 weeks clean, found some good interest, making progress at work and I still am self-conscious, a lot of things pain me. Powerlessness still drives me into relapse/ compulsive phone use.

I needed to somehow accept that all the bad things I did, I did while my mind was occupied by my addictions and it is not entirely my fault. Or something like so.

I do not know.

I do not know.

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2 minutes ago, LostRiver said:

Offline AA meeting

Old guy Bruce: 02 things that took him a long long time to take in: One, when under the influence, he was a bad person (assult with knife, jail, many divorces,etc) but Two, he was sick. His addictions made him sick and made him do bad things.

It sounds ordinary for me hearing him say it.

Until I talked to another guy Steward: he saw through me and he asked if I can accept myself now. No. 7 weeks clean, found some good interest, making progress at work and I still am self-conscious, a lot of things pain me. Powerlessness still drives me into relapse/ compulsive phone use.

I needed to somehow accept that all the bad things I did, I did while my mind was occupied by my addictions and it is not entirely my fault. Or something like so.

I do not know.

I do not know.

IMPORTANT QUESTION TO ASK: Once I have completed the 12 steps and have been staying abstinent for a time (years), it is true that I must keep on performing the 12 steps and services to the fellowship or anyone in need?

I want to. I really do. But do service and 12 steps need to be the number one priority in my life till the day I die? And why?

 

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Posted (edited)

Reservations

Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?

No, I have not seen, thought about or accept the full measure of my disease. I still think that some sort of plan, some sort of strategy can help me work the steps while getting more money and a better job. In fact, I cannot control my phone use at all. Two days of the weekend, my total phone time was about 10 hours. Fuck all the rationale. I means I only exist for about half of my weekends. The other half: I devote, I donate, I feed and sacrifice to my addiction.

With all the praying, with all the step work, I still resort to using when faced with powerlessness. I am still paranoid, full of self-conscious thoughts and fears.

BUT WHERE IN ALL OF THE FUCKING LITERATURE DOES IT SAY I HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE IN AA? OR IN THE 12 STEPS? PEOPLE ARE GETTING BETTER THAN MEEEEEEEE!

Edited by LostRiver
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