For myself

[Amphibian220]

I agree, Accepting your weaknesses is about being honest. And being honest is being intelligent, it uncovers new approaches to given problems and strikes you with how powerful and resourceful you can become.

 

 

[LostRiver]

Fuck some shit up at work. Was not even that much of a big deal but I felt like shit. People had to cheer me up, felt like a baby.

I just remember my own motto:

Be careful when things are easy, stay steady when things are stable and work with others when things are hard

I will remind myself of this. Daily now. Plus I will start reciting step 3 prayer whenever I become an emotional wreck:

God, I offer myself to you — to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help using your Love, your Power and Your Way of life. Please receive me into your will. Amen!

[LostRiver]

Al-anon Meeting

Expectations are premeditated resentments

I might hurt people. What I do possibly will impact people negatively

Surrender to this moment here, to my Higher Power

Let it start with me: I cannot blame, point to others for what I am responsible for

High expectations slow serenity. Be reasonable with yourself and the world

I am with my fellowship, I do not have to figure things out on my own anymore

Reflections:

- Steps 3 is also about handing my own expectations over to my Higher Power and do my best with this moment here.

- Distance from you kinda should be distance from love: how in touch with my higher power is measured by how much I can love and understand MYSELF, and then any person closest to me.

Edited November 19, 2022 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

Meditation meet

Drop by drop the bucket fills to the top

Clothes are for "clean attention": I dress up to a degree so that people look pass my outside and we can connect

Judgement is natural and part of survival instinct, sometimes people judge me because they need to, not because of me.

Compation rather than reaction. Reaction is the operating mod most of the time.

Use tech, don't let it use you.

Less notifications on phone, less app

Get a to-do, don't have to worry

Don't judge your meditation: no expectation of results, of time, just go in to see how it/ I feel

Edited November 19, 2022 by LostRiver

[Yan]

On 11/9/2022 at 4:31 PM, LostRiver said:

How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step?

I feel relieved. My self-will no longer burdens me. I surrender and it feels really good. I feel at peace.

When I thought it was about good luck I was nervous. I was bummed when I hit obstacles. Now I will pray for the knowledge that my higher power gets me, guides me, and loves me no matter what. So next time I hit an obstacle, confront my failures: it is natural, I will do my best and I will take comfort in the fact that my higher power is there for me.

I did good but there is room for improvements. I am so excited to realize that I can experience peace, love and serenity beyond my wildest imagination.

[[END OF STEP ONE JOURNALLING]]

What do you mean end of step one?
When you say serenity you mean the quote of seeing difference between the things you can control and not control?

[Yan]

6 hours ago, LostRiver said:

Meditation meet

Drop by drop the bucket fills to the top

Clothes are for "clean attention": I dress up to a degree so that people look pass my outside and we can connect

Judgement is natural and part of survival instinct, sometimes people judge me because they need to, not because of me.

Compation rather than reaction. Reaction is the operating mod most of the time.

Use tech, don't let it use you.

Less notifications on phone, less app

Get a to-do, don't have to worry

Don't judge your meditation: no expectation of results, of time, just go in to see how it/ I feel

Regarding getting a to do it's great. But, make sure it's prioritized, because otherwise you're going to procrastinate on the most important things possibly.

[LostRiver]

On 11/19/2022 at 3:40 PM, Yan said:

What do you mean end of step one?
When you say serenity you mean the quote of seeing difference between the things you can control and not control?

I use the Narcotics Anonymous Step Working guide to answer questions about myself. They have 12 steps and I finished the first

Serenity to me is peace and acceptance for myself and the world. I guess that peace gives me the ability to tell what I can change and what I cannot change as well.

[LostRiver]

Al-Anon meet:

When I'm stuck in my head, in my own feelings, I gotta find a way to get out and ask: how can I be of service?

[Pochatok]

2 hours ago, LostRiver said:

Al-Anon meet:

When I'm stuck in my head, in my own feelings, I gotta find a way to get out and ask: how can I be of service?

Arrived to this point recently too, it's so helpful! I think I read it in the "The Obstacle Is the Way" book...

Do you think of it as, I'm not doing/being my best just for myself, but for all the people and communities around me? For me, reminding that me living my best life (which means me doing a lot of great but hard things and being happy) is as much an act of service to myself as it is to others helps so much with drive 🙂

[Yan]

14 hours ago, LostRiver said:

I use the Narcotics Anonymous Step Working guide to answer questions about myself. They have 12 steps and I finished the first

Serenity to me is peace and acceptance for myself and the world. I guess that peace gives me the ability to tell what I can change and what I cannot change as well.

Oh wow, after all this time I finally understand what you're yapping about here all the time :D:D Thanks for the clarification!

[Thomas King]

Good luck!

i am also committing myself starting yesterday!

today is day 2. Lets do this!

[LostRiver]

9 minutes ago, Thomas King said:

Good luck!

i am also committing myself starting yesterday!

today is day 2. Lets do this!

Hey there! Thank you for the kind words.

We are with you on your journey too. Hooray for 2 days!

[LostRiver]

ITAA meet

NA BASIC TEXT - STEP 12

The idea of a spiritual awakening takes many different forms in the different personalities that we find in the Fellowship. However, all spiritual awakenings have some things in common. Common elements include an end to loneliness and a sense of direction in our lives.
We feel that our lives have become worthwhile. Spiritually refreshed, we are glad to be alive. When we were using, our lives became an exercise in survival. Now we are doing much more living than surviving. Realizing that the bottom line is staying clean, we can enjoy life. We like being clean and enjoy carrying the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers. Going to meetings really works.

We share from our own personal experience what it has been like for us. The temptation to give advice is great, but when we do so we lose the respect of newcomers. This clouds our message. A simple, honest message of recovery from addiction rings true.

=> This is something I have been looking for. The lower the bottom, the more experience I get. If one day there is this addict who is terrified to tell stories of how he/ she shits the bed in withdrawal, I will be there for them (that is a story for another day lol)
 

- Be prepared for holidays

- Maybe stop looking at guides on Youtube for stuffs => Go ask people how to do stuffs

- I have been using to deal with my character defects

- People from other 12-step programs may not understand at first

- I was hurt today. I was hurt seeing people tip-toing around me/ trying not to upset me. I was upset to see how lonely, how far away from others my addiction make me. I turned it into rage. I made "angry" plans to get things, to achieve things. I started counting wins and losses, started feeling vindicated. But at the same time, my head was spinning. My mind was so heavy I did not know what was going on. Only after I joined and shared at today's meeting did I realized this. I really need is to connect and have some commaraderie with people.

 

Edited November 23, 2022 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

ITAA meet

- When I have more time for myself outside of my addiction, my feelings will surface. Anger, bitterness, hurt, etc Need to learn to to deal with these.

[Yan]

Could you end the source for those questions?

[LostRiver]

On 11/25/2022 at 4:55 PM, Yan said:

Could you end the source for those questions?

Not sure what you mean here. To end the source of all my wondering about my addictions or something like that?

[LostRiver]

GAA Sunday meet

- Need to ask Higher Power for courage to change. Cuz it's a long term process plus I need to work on it with efforts and courage for it to work

- A lot of relationships have been damage cuz of gaming

- Need to work on being able to live with myself moments to moments: exhausting, lonely, bored, paranoid, struggled at work (when did you not have rough day?), be gentle with myself, afraid of isolation

The body keeps the score

- Parts of myself that had to take the wheels during relapse -take care of that

- Am I doing my best right now vs This is the best I can do right now (read step 5 and 6?)

Edited November 27, 2022 by LostRiver

[Yan]

6 hours ago, LostRiver said:

Not sure what you mean here. To end the source of all my wondering about my addictions or something like that?

Lol, I missed an "s". Send the source of all those questions

[LostRiver]

On 11/27/2022 at 5:07 PM, Yan said:

Lol, I missed an "s". Send the source of all those questions

Oh I see. I am using this version here: https://gssana.org/books/ - you can search around on Google since I am not sure if there are other versions.

[LostRiver]

Feel like crap: I realize one of my biggest problems is that I want to be loved the way EXACTLY the way I want to be loved. While how people love and can love is different from person to person, depending on thier life, their environment, their circumstances, etc.
For example: some people can love me by staying away from me. Cuz I can be nasty and not a good person in general. Especially when I am in withdrawl.

I do understand that I need people who know me and can love me "most effectively" when I need. But to be able to tell and to accept love in any forms and to be able to give back love: that certainly would make me feel a lot less shitty, more connected and at peace.

Most importantly: I cannot control how people love. I am better off being grateful that 1. they can still love and 2. they love me in their own way!

Edited November 28, 2022 by LostRiver

[LostRiver]

ITAA meet

One day at a time sometimes mean I need to re-learn a lot of things I did wrong/ never learned how to do properly. It is harrowingly scary and painful to look at my life again and see all these black holes that I need to fix,

Program gives me direction, derived from wisdom: show up, listen and not trust my own thinking

When I am tired, I avoid letting myself feeling tired. I try to numb the feeling by using. I feel bad for being tired. I mean WTF??? I should remember the joy of taking care of myself.

Gotta get ready for the day, not let the world diminish my spirit to travel my own path.

Sobriety means being able to grieve, to be upset. Before, for me there was only rage, envy, fear, shame and numbness.

Cannot tell what can be changed and what cannot => ASK FOR HELP, don't rationalize alone!

Edited November 29, 2022 by LostRiver

[white cloud]

Hi LostRiver, 

Thank you for sharing your journey and for being so vulnerable and honest in your entries. The pure raw emotion and sincere seeking that comes through in your writing is powerful and moving. I'm so happy to have spent the time to read through your journal.

I saw myself in a lot of your posts and reflections, all the shame and guilt and pent-up anger and rage, the self-hatred... that feeling when people were walking on 'eggshells' around me, not wanting to trigger me or set me off... 

I'm inspired by you to work through the NA step working guide and post my reflections. I am also exploring AA-style groups to join as well; I tried CGAA a couple of years back and didn't feel right to me at the time. Perhaps ITAA may be a better fit. In a therapy session recently I realized I wanted to jump ahead straight to step 9, without doing all the other steps. I just wanted a shortcut to "settle my debts" so to speak. To get some relief from my feelings of guilt more than wanting to make amends I think. I do see immense value in working the steps, and I feel we live in a society that is designed to create addicts out of all of us, and the more of us that are on a path toward wholeness and healing the more people we can help. 

So I thank you for being you. For being brave. For sharing your story. Keep it up 🙂

-B

[Yan]

On 11/29/2022 at 2:48 PM, LostRiver said:

ITAA meet

One day at a time sometimes mean I need to re-learn a lot of things I did wrong/ never learned how to do properly. It is harrowingly scary and painful to look at my life again and see all these black holes that I need to fix,

Program gives me direction, derived from wisdom: show up, listen and not trust my own thinking

When I am tired, I avoid letting myself feeling tired. I try to numb the feeling by using. I feel bad for being tired. I mean WTF??? I should remember the joy of taking care of myself.

Gotta get ready for the day, not let the world diminish my spirit to travel my own path.

Sobriety means being able to grieve, to be upset. Before, for me there was only rage, envy, fear, shame and numbness.

Cannot tell what can be changed and what cannot => ASK FOR HELP, don't rationalize alone!

Hey, Yesterday I suggested a great book to Hmmge, it's called The Little Book of Stoicism by Jonas Salzgeber. I think I'd suggest it to you too, I think it has some awesome insights on the emotion of anger and overall great ideas for life. (I've listened to it about 7 times now from cover to cover 🙂 )

[Pochatok]

Hi LostRiver,

Also wanted to send some words of appreciation your way. The style of writing you utilize is very powerful and moving, and the ideas and concepts you convey resonate with me very strongly. I am tempted to take notes 🙂 Thank you for sharing so much on this forum!

 

[LostRiver]

CGAA meet - Sunday - Topic: Grief (During Christmas)

- Staying with my feelings, myself => take care of myself (finding a healthy way to relieve/ let go/ grief) => finding gratitude => share/ pray

is the best way to deal with grief, negative emotions in general. Denial, trying to be tough it out will most likely lead to relapse

- Matt: now 52, started gaming 8 hours/day 16 years ago. Feeling powerless, unemployed, just found a new job. "the time I spent gaming, you could study for doctor 2 or 3 times over"

- Nick: needs reminder that I am powerless. Part of myself can obscure the pain and damage that gaming caused: cannot sleep, miss work, lose jobs, from good student to failing college, had to go rehab => still think I am not a "dirty, ragged" (like a drug addict) addict => tried going back to school but started gaming again => lost 2 jobs. When things started going better: do I have to quit gaming forever, until I retire, etc => relapse, miss meetings, avoidance behavior, etc "find it so easy to not take care of myself and do stuffs"

- Nick: finished divorce process, miss parents, find holiday tough, find it so easy to run away from grief and emerse in "distractions". "There are times I recognize I have to go cry"

- Miguel: miss gf of 2 years, "try to do something fun for myself" which was game

- Andrew: got into meeting and cry for an hour straight, felt better. Took 15 years to realize that gaming was a problem (same here lol), no life goals

- Ben: ignoring family, healthy desires (need friendship, companionship) to use

NOTE: I also have done all of the above plus shitting the bed while using and I STILL THINK THERE IS PEACE AND JOY TO BE HAD OUT OF USING!
 

Edited December 18, 2022 by LostRiver