Restored journal

[Amphibian220]

Week 10

I cannot manage without self accountability. I need to keep posting because I get cravings to dream of strategy video games when i get ill.

I have to work the steps of recovery and participate in sport even when I’m ill. I will design a strategy board game and look for ways to add things I dislike. I.e. Having to manage disagreements with someone.

My cravings for work are influenced by my past cravings for strategy games.

Edited December 3, 2023 by Amphibian220

[BooksandTrees]

12 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

have to work the steps of recovery and participate in sport even when I’m ill.

What if you created a regimented restoration time to heal and recover? You're very strict with yourself. I think that is tough to maintain unless you can balance it. 

If this system works for you then maybe you create a rest period where you only do certain things for that set of time to recover. 

[Amphibian220]

@BooksandTrees , Yes , i spend surprisingly little time on fun activities. Its because i frequently feel tired, and or sick. The way around this is to find a fun sport to do right outside my house and do it with a passion.

In the past I’d play 2 hours of football at least 3 times per week. If its not going to be video games, it has to be an obsession with sport.

[Amphibian220]

Week 11 and 12

It is easier to go for easy wins than complete a meaningful project.

I attended a job interview and the employer asked me about what value I could bring to his organization. I listed a number of marketing techniques, but he was unconvinced. I concluded that I value comfort and predictability in work far higher than achievement.

This is better than valuing games above self care and development but still a failing idea.

Edit: Had good sleep for the first time in weeks, meaning no phone use in the 2-3 hours before sleep.

Edited December 16, 2023 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

Im feeling anxious because I just got assigned to a new manager at work who is very demanding.

I am scared of a real prospect of being dismissed. I have rent and bills to pay and losing this work can put me in an uncertain situation. Im looking for new work already in my spare time because I don't know how long I will be able to get work done at this high standard. 

Edit: Im losing sleep over this issue so I need to go play soccer outside until I get so tired I can no longer stand.

Edited December 19, 2023 by Amphibian220

[BooksandTrees]

On 12/19/2023 at 4:37 PM, Amphibian220 said:

Im feeling anxious because I just got assigned to a new manager at work who is very demanding.

I am scared of a real prospect of being dismissed. I have rent and bills to pay and losing this work can put me in an uncertain situation. Im looking for new work already in my spare time because I don't know how long I will be able to get work done at this high standard. 

Edit: Im losing sleep over this issue so I need to go play soccer outside until I get so tired I can no longer stand.

You could also end up being this manager's favorite worker. Make sure to ask them their preferred communication style, what they expect out of someone in your role and how to succeed with them. Show that and they'll know you're ready. Just keep your cool and be you. 

[Amphibian220]

Relapsed by watching a film on a movie website. The film was ok, but I was watching it to avoid solving my current issues.

It happened because I haven’t been correctly tracking my changing needs and my daily schedule is long out if date. Need to quickly implement changes today.

My basketball sessions are going to resume and we’re going to play a guest team soon.

[Amphibian220]

Need to better understand how to handle work issues.

A new trainee at work whom I have the task of showing the ropes is refusing to do some of the essentials because he has heard of other trainees who were not obliged to do so.

The other trainees some of whom have since resigned and others progressed to higher roles don't justify this kind of behaviour, but this trainee will sabotage work and take as an example the most passive workers. It looks like a race to the bottom.

Then as I accepted refusal to do some things, this trainee refused a new round of tasks on the same grounds. The more I conceded, the more passive he became.

I want to throw him out of my organization because I will most likely embarass myself in front of my manager.

 

Edited December 29, 2023 by Amphibian220

[BooksandTrees]

14 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Need to better understand how to handle work issues.

A new trainee at work whom I have the task of showing the ropes is refusing to do some of the essentials because he has heard of other trainees who were not obliged to do so.

The other trainees some of whom have since resigned and others progressed to higher roles don't justify this kind of behaviour, but this trainee will sabotage work and take as an example the most passive workers. It looks like a race to the bottom.

Then as I accepted refusal to do some things, this trainee refused a new round of tasks on the same grounds. The more I conceded, the more passive he became.

I want to throw him out of my organization because I will most likely embarass myself in front of my manager.

 

I'd let your manager know asap because if you don't then the manager is going to ask why you let it go so long. He'll give you tips and if those don't work he'll step in. 

[Amphibian220]

I slipped into watching NBA league and overeating snacks. I will no longer watch this today and just accept moments of boredom and see where this is going to take me.

[Amphibian220]

Week 11 And 12

I attended all of my basketball training sessions. The game got better and Im hoping I will get better at falling cause when it gets competitive, it becomes a wrestling contest.

Work got easier, but I need to learn a new program to work with.

I feel like Im below my expected level at work but doing well in sport. I should become a professional basketball player and participate in amateur leagues.

 

Edited January 21 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

I spent today without any phone or TV use, I visited a friend and had a brief conversation with him.

[Amphibian220]

The streak continued today, but on top of it I ate less food. I feel hungry but I will go ahead and try this for a week.

I joined a book club which is another great way to forget about my work

Edited January 26 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

Week 13

Got burned out with a new work assignment this week and decided to relax by listening to a podcast. Later on I switched on a radio and fell asleep to a random talk show. I don't know if it is good to fall asleep with background noise like that.

[Ace92]

I think for some background noise like white noise can be helpful, but overall, I'd genuinely say to try to avoid it as it can distract you from actually falling asleep and getting a good nights rest. The silence of your bedroom at night is all the sound you need, in my opinion. 

[Amphibian220]

Ok, so there is this protest being voiced at work over a dismissal of a long time employee. I am not familiar with the situation very well and dont want to take part in any deliberations with the manager. They are following a dispute resolution framework.

Im just thinking if I was laid off for whatever reason now, it would be really hard to find a new place because I’ve grown used to my old place. It also seems that working many years in the same job limits what you can do in the future except in circumstances where you are exposed to growth.

[Amphibian220]

Week 14,

I no longer want to change my routine, Im quite happy with it at work and at home. But chronic fear of dismissal for the last two years has had a toll on my morale.

I got anxious over three dismissals at my workplace so far. One of them is a very talented professional.

I just do all of my things in a very dejected way, so its the mind I have got to fix. I was a happier guy when I was in competition with folks in another department, but now since they were replaced, I just don't get the same kind of thrill from showing better results than the new group.

Edited February 15 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

System trap elaborated

the new management turns down requests for new stationery equipment because it is expensive, but this team organized a very extravagant celebration of our successfully completed project. Following on from this, they are likely to increase expenditure on recreational activities. Would a monthly party make us more productive? I am more in favour of jogging at the end of each working day.  

Edited February 23 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

Week 15, 16

My attitude to work got worse and I’ve got a need to escape. One of my peak performances was a part time coffee shop position, when I was most committed and happy about what I was doing. 

I haven’t noticed that anybody else is invested in this workplace. Its like everybody is here just for some exposure, call it an internship or what you may. I seem the only one wanting to establish a strategy for growth. Nobody is bothered in thinking through a project, just their direct line of duty. I can better understand these projects, but have much less energy than I did a year ago.

I saw a homeless man on the street jokingly tell a young woman to give him shelter as a start to their romantic relationship.

Edited March 3 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

I played an old board game. I decided to play to escape, and it was not doing the trick, so I went for my friday training session. This felt much better.

I haven't secured a job that was my goal yet. Will continue searching

[Amphibian220]

As I have said before I have to train a new apprentice , but he has got serious anxiety issues. When we were doing a task together and he thought there was a mistake, he talked about it like a disaster of some sort. This keeps recurring and the pressure starts to take hold. I dont know how to convince the employee that the work we are doing is of a good standard. He keeps watching his back and is super vigilant but just turns the work into an ordeal.

[Amphibian220]

Cheapest entertainment today: surfing a movie database

Most expensive entertainment: Going to a gym for a workout, putting my clothes in good order, reading a book.

Education: Getting ready for my upcoming exam.

[BooksandTrees]

On 8/10/2024 at 4:38 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Cheapest entertainment today: surfing a movie database

Most expensive entertainment: Going to a gym for a workout, putting my clothes in good order, reading a book.

Education: Getting ready for my upcoming exam.

How was the exam?

[Amphibian220]

I failed it and have to retake it. It happened because I am combining work with it and it was not a weekly habit.
 

I am planning to revise on a more frequent basis and without using my telephone. A small pc along with a notebook is going to be enough.

[Amphibian220]

New entry after it seemed that my habits completely changed.

When I get a stomachache, i leave all my responsibilities and watch nfl sports league. It is not a healthy connection because I get emotional and angry from seeing my side lose. I also watch it to see the opposing team’s players get physically harmed. I started noticing that the habit satisfies my anger and dissatisfaction with things. It would be much better if I wrestled somebody than watch athletes get knocked down.

Communication with peers worsened because of this intense following of a sport. I just want to see the next game and dont pay attention to my workmates. I also don't open up towards my peers and stay withdrawn.

I have to stop watching it and just go for jogs whenever I am feeling bored. Let me feel more discomfort, but at least I won’t be as lazy. 

Edited September 26 by Amphibian220