Restored journal

[Amphibian220]

I was considering video game goals from several games and made the following assessment :

They are based in quantity, because the coding software is not tailored to interpreting quality of work;

They are derived from dexterity of pressing buttons, remembering a combination of keys, pathfinding. these skills are not applicable in work or education. Any minor skill (ie learning english) is heavily outweighed by health problems caused by gaming.

The goals have to be easy to follow or otherwise the games that make goals very complex, take away more time from the player because he spends more time to master the game, causing frustration from lack of success feedback. 

Communication skills are absent in games. And what is present in the form of communication, makes a person lose the communication skills that they possessed before.

one pervasive aspect is the perception of completion: players continue playing games to complete something, because game designers are good at giving completion feedback.

In total, games take away the natural resistance in life that typically makes boys so powerful, independent, bright, honest in their communities. 

[Amphibian220]

The work stress is doing what video games used to do in the past. It blocks worries.

All work has some stress associated with it, but types of stress differ. Do we choose work based on the type of stress we encountered in the past as gamers?

[Amphibian220]

I used to play 2-3 hours of sport per day in the past and do all coursework as much as my time allowed. When i had tried speaking to other people i noticed mistakes in those people or threats in them. When i thought why Im blocking communication, i couldn't get the honest answer from myself.

When i went in to write an exam paper I hadn’t revised, I was going to successfully fail it, producing the best possible result in that situation. 

Until it dawned that fixation on being right means relying on criteria that aren't meant to produce success. Not seeing the main goal, meant that all these smaller rules were inconsequential. Put in a gray area situation, I couldn't trust myself and folded. Any lack of or rules meant instant defeat. 

. Such a shaky foundation to circumvent having to love and trust oneself. Its at those moments there is a short moment you need faith, you have to let go and enable the fight to play out. If you turn back, you will spend a long time trying to be right.

Edited February 15 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

Any excess capacity that gets created through hard work, presents a dilemma. The initial thought is to channel it to the most relaxing activities. As I add to self development, I encounter a limit that cannot be surpassed without other more fundamental changes.

Extreme honesty presents conflicts ahead and prospects such as job insecurity, or a dispute with a neighbour etc. how can I navigate this ?

I can be more dutiful, responsible, more considering of other people’s concerns. In that case a conflict may happen in good faith, but not out of an ego.

Edited February 18 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

Got food poisoned in a pub after work and couldn't resist from mentally constructing a strategy video game. Maybe its no big deal and I shouldn't pay so much attention to it.

[Yan]

On 2/20/2025 at 9:50 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Got food poisoned in a pub after work and couldn't resist from mentally constructing a strategy video game. Maybe its no big deal and I shouldn't pay so much attention to it.

I think it is a big deal. We must watch our thoughts and take the weeds out or else they will take over...
"As a man thinketh in his heart so is he"
"As the plant springs from, and could not be without, the
seed, so every act of a man springs from the hidden seeds
of thought, and could not have appeared without them.
This applies equally to those acts called "spontaneous"
and "unpremeditated" as to those, which are deliberately
executed."
-As a Man Thinketh, Woody Allen, First page

That said, you shouldn't judge yourself for your thoughts in my opinion as they appear without our control at times, but once you notice a "weedy" one, simply try to replace it with a new, desirable one.

Do not fall into the trap of trying to NOT think of something though. Replace it with another positive thought.

It is just like trying to NOT think of a pink elephant.
Try telling yourself "Do not think of a pink elephant, Do not think of a pink elephant, Do not think of a pink elephant"
Guess what you're going to end up thinking about? You guessed it... A pink elephant. So think of a "brown cat" or something instead 🙂

[Amphibian220]

Are we scapegoating video games?

i read a forum, where video game quitters are called deniers who have experienced abuse and who need to find a party to blame. So the video game habit is a convenient party.

It is circular. An alcoholic can claim he took to drinking because he was hurt, but didn’t the drink further lead to an inability to defend himself and others?. 

All these journals show one common behavioral pattern. It begins with being silent on issues one doesn’t agree with from a young age, to mostly forgetting that power and easy going attitude that he had as a child.

with cycling between heavy obsession to mild entertainment, absent mindedness creates a convenient way first to skip issues and defer solutions to circumstances alone, and then to forget goals altogether. 
 

Edited February 27 by Amphibian220

[Ikar]

On 2/10/2025 at 11:32 AM, Amphibian220 said:

The work stress is doing what video games used to do in the past. It blocks worries.

All work has some stress associated with it, but types of stress differ. Do we choose work based on the type of stress we encountered in the past as gamers?

That's an interesting idea. Sometimes, at least in my case, navigating free time is harder than navigating work-time. It's easier to be there with the students at the moment, because I know the scope of options is more limited. Limiting stress on students is a part of my job, because stressed students can't learn. I need to give them a plan to work on in order to learn, but only a bit by bit and at their own pace. Plus streamlined and careful negotiation makes business go smoothly.

I do agree that work overall blocks worries, because we actually do something and we don't sit and worry about what to do next. Action heals and beats overthinking.

On 2/27/2025 at 9:08 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Are we scapegoating video games?

i read a forum, where video game quitters are called deniers who have experienced abuse and who need to find a party to blame. So the video game habit is a convenient party.

It is circular. An alcoholic can claim he took to drinking because he was hurt, but didn’t the drink further lead to an inability to defend himself and others?. 

All these journals show one common behavioral pattern. It begins with being silent on issues one doesn’t agree with from a young age, to mostly forgetting that power and easy going attitude that he had as a child.

I think that's why I don't really have many fond memories of my childhood/teenage years. I didn't have a real say at school or at home. I could only wait until I was 18 to start living on my own terms and start being responsible for myself. I at least got the chance to stop chronically reacting to the outside world at 21 when I quit games. Learning how to be a helpless sheep is one of the worst things that school, family and society can teach an individual.

[Amphibian220]

Improvement over the last week:

Exercise in the gym before work.

Revised training materials for my new role.

How could I improve on my last week:

Try to slow down and tackle work that is less familiar to me to further develop my skill set.

@Ikar I have to train trainees at my work and I have purchased training materials after being unable to build rapport for some time. So the training materials turned out to be informative, even simple things like my presentation instills interest in them to listen.

Great that you use methods to reduce stress on them. I still have to get there.

Edited March 5 by Amphibian220

[Yan]

2 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Try to slow down and tackle work that is less familiar to me to further develop my skill set.

Nice insight. 🙂  Baby steps, tiniest change daily amount to huge ones in the long term.

[Amphibian220]

Weakness / threat

Having watched a documentary or an action film, there is a compulsive behavior of thinking of a better version of that film.

this habit hasn’t ever been tackled . It substitutes in a way displaying quality in my actual work.

[Yan]

On 3/6/2025 at 11:25 AM, Amphibian220 said:

Weakness / threat

Having watched a documentary or an action film, there is a compulsive behavior of thinking of a better version of that film.

this habit hasn’t ever been tackled . It substitutes in a way displaying quality in my actual work.

Well done. Stay sharp, as a Man Thinketh so Is He. Being mindful of our thoughts is very important in my opinion

[Amphibian220]

Having read Cameron’s letter, I have to concede that gamers avoid unfamiliar tasks and problems, conflict situations where control is limited, or giving a bit more in terms of effort and charity.

Addicts may second guess people that they encounter, and usually sabotage themselves before they can be offered a great prospect to learn something useful.

Edited March 12 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

I read a case study of a doctor

1. Being passive and indifferent to his private practice (in the face of theft by some medical staff, sanitary violations, beatings and abuse of patients), enabled the problems to grow in scale and led to critical failures.

2. Due to his complete lack of agenda, cowardice and complicity in the face of theft, he was taken advantage of by predatory actors, lost his job, income and became destitute.

The last two years were spent with an uncontrolled use of social media and news, zero investment in building on communication, new skills, lax management with no oversight. I carried on work at a low pace which led to many failures.

Day 1 of no social networks

Day 5 of healthy pre planned meals

Day 2 of exercise.

 

Edited April 30 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

Day 2 of no social networks

Day 6 of healthy pre planned meals

Day 3 of exercise

 

There is a strong sense of fatigue at the moment, but I am proceeding with work, studies and evening workout plan.

Edit: system trap elaborated.
 

I incline to subject matter where i can find people/organizations to be angry about. It can be something in the news, or rumours etc. Everything else seems not stimulating enough. 
 

Im trying today without that.

Edited April 29 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

Day 3 of no social networks

Day 7 of healthy pre planned meals

Day 4 of exercise

Yesterday I was resisting anxiety about the job, my current physical state, and memories of abusers on the old job.

I waded through it with the help of prayer. What helps best in switching off the mind? One of the things i discovered is counting things with a purpose, like counting numbers of throws or exercise reps.

My learning ability has been undercut by a job that offered no growth for some time. Im trying to introduce learning today.

[Amphibian220]

Day 4

No social networks, exercise, mandatory communication, healthy eating.

Feeling somewhat better, I read a book yesterday to pass my time.

[Amphibian220]

Day 6

no social networks, mandatory communication, healthy eating.

Some of the problems have abated. Im trying to find ways to improve my discipline. That includes strict rules as to sleeping, resting, revising uni materials and working out at the gym, i paid a hefty price for my gym membership and I can’t let that go to waste.

[Amphibian220]

Day 8 of no social networks, mandatory communication and healthy eating.

[Amphibian220]

Day 9 and there is more clarity., im feeling better from my workouts.

Edited May 7 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

day 12

My mind short circuits from lack of planning or targeted action. It switches to remorse over old time failures.

During  school  years i played the same maps in the strategy game genre and this was combined with competition anxiety. So the mind was trained to repetitively enter a state of anxiety.
 

I treat work like a video game in that i try to work against time pressure. That is the sole driving factor. Danger and risk of loss mobilize my strength. But this is an unreliable defeatist attitude. People dont wait for time pressure but rather complete work with enough breaks in between.

If i leave work and dont do something, the mind can go into a pitfall of worrying over meaningless things or recollecting trauma. The thinking stops if i speak to someone or do something.

 

Edited May 10 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

Day 13

On 4/29/2025 at 8:26 AM, Amphibian220 said:

 

I incline to subject matter where i can find people/organizations to be angry about. It can be something in the news, or rumours etc. Everything else seems not stimulating enough. 
 

 

it would be unfair to say without adding that this goes hand in hand with trying to please everyone, imitating others people’s point of view and fearing conflicts and disagreements a lot.

The more nice and complicit I act out, the more hate and cynicism builds up within.

There were times when I told people what I thought of them, and felt free, but it was far too little.

A big part of my past is trying to fit in, being noticed for it and bullied.

Edited May 12 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

Two things that happened alongside demoralized me.

I mastered work assignments to a level so that i can complete them without focusing. My new manager cannot manage his team and defers to social media circulars. 

Complete absence of accountability and planning sent my mind into recollection of trauma. i increased daily time spent on watching films too.
 

I need a degree of management and new learning, a degree of oversight by a strict team to be satisfied. Otherwise i just switch off and grow indifferent. 

Edited May 24 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

Still treat work as a game and have thinking patterns related to winning at games.

i feel totally exasperated because i approach days, trying to create game elements in different interactions. Perceiving certain people as hostile when they are not, worrying over stuff that carries no value.

i see resistance or challenge in things that are intrinsically benign. Creating this mental world from childhood enabled an internal world, isolating from communication and brotherhood.

Looking to talk to people more to keep myself grounded and strong.

Edited June 4 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

I am free of video games and action films.

In the past, i’d replay first person shooters and strategies in my head as a way to spend free time. The habit was obsessive. I could spend 20 minutes to 2 hours going over my plays (tournament wins) in my head. The memories generated lesser excitement than the actual playing of video games.

Right now, 4 years clean, i don't simulate games in my head anymore. But intermittently my mind wanders on to trauma (an episode where i lost my job, got abused like a target of opportunity by a person who detected my weak character, stayed unemployed for a good 6 years after that). 

Because I'm so tired of resisting the fear, i just recollect the pain nowadays to help it pass away. The recollection pinned me down and i cannot get up myself, need someone else to help.

the ghost pain is relentless. There was a time when i hopelessly stumbled on a sci fi novel Solaris, where three astronauts are stranded on an unusual planet that generates their worst memories in the form of physical persons from their past. The generated “ghosts” are autonomous, domt know that they are projections. They possess actual traits of the persons from the astronauts’ past. The ghosts cause pain to the astronauts at first, and killing them is impossible.
 

Eventually, the astronauts team up to have the ghosts studied and a weapon is created to destroy them. One of the astronauts starts to doubt whether he wants his ghost from the past destroyed because he has built up a new friendly relationship with her.

like i used to recollect playthroughs, i recollect pain. This ghost has to go.

Edited June 13 by Amphibian220