Restored journal

[Amphibian220]

Despite doing sports, I get anxiety issues over my health and finances. I watch a lot of online sports to forget ongoing problems. i can watch up to three hours of nfl per day.

Most troubling is that anxiety doesn’t go away and I have near zero mental energy. The sport gave me a good physique, but absent mindedness coupled with occasional ruminating does not go away. The thinking gets in the way of doing my work properly. Then the worrying becomes a buildup of anger.

I have to stop watching sports and just spend time with my books.

Then make a plan to find better work and communicate to keep my mental state at a good level.

Edited October 7, 2024 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

This is my review of a dozen journals on GQ.

Now a serious challenge is that entertainment has been turned into a format of gambling. Today I open social media with the hope of catching that one video that will satisfy me.

It is no longer possible to draw a dividing line between gambling and practical use. It looks like internet companies are finding ways of deceiving former gamers/gamblers that they are only watching a show, whereas in fact their gambling addiction is being fed . This addiction manifests with the “lucky tap”. Opening content that will most entertain the addict today. 

So staying away from video games and running through short films is a form of new self deception:

attraction to easy gain,

lack of motivation to perform work,

obsessive habit,

denial of a problem.

I can put blockers on my computer, but I’d rather refrain from all internet entertainment. Watching kids play football in the back yard is a safer idea.

90 days again.

Edited October 11, 2024 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

its not the sports or shows that are stagnating me, but the unwillingness to get therapy for obsessive habits.

I need to get a fix somehow, but my mental energy is too low to do the things I used to in the past.

If I’d have a chance to beat somebody in advocacy, or do a big project, I would. but at the moment it’s only Lpo. 

i have this end in mind: i want to treble my income by taking on more work but also delegating more work. I realized people dont pay so much attention to the little things. I read about a company director who got fired because he failed his performance review. It turned out his responsibilities had changed with the growth of the company, but he hadn’t taken notice. I want to try doing two different jobs and split my time in the best way possible so that I keep learning new skills on the new job.

[Amphibian220]

Now the thinking habit before wasting time is that looking through pointless information is necessary for my health. I struggle to see how that makes any sense at all.

When I am doing an activity, i rush to complete it without delving on it. The rush is associated with wanting to watch more shows on the phone. As a result, my activities are rushed and unenjoyable. I also cut off people in the way I talk to them and don't show much interest in what they have to say.

I want to delve in today’s work and activities and observe myself.

edit: High degree of pride detected in time wasting habits. 

Assumption “I am of great ability and discipline”.  

I don't want to cancel the time wasting habits because the many failures will come to the surface and become apparent. Internet presents itself as a way to lower threat perception. It sort of works in bringing down worries but not in a sustained way.

So social media presents itself as both a time wasting opportunity and a good cover to avoid character, strength, guidance, knowledge building. 
 

 

Edited October 29, 2024 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

system trap elaborated
 

If I haven't got the patience and consistency to achieve a real life goal, I compensate for it by watching shows. Watching that show makes me feel good and makes me forget about my priorities.

Then, when I do come around to doing my work, I get the lie that my efforts dont count for a lot. My efforts do actually count a lot. Every single day. I cannot fail my days any longer.

Every day has to be won by showing self-respect, treating others kindly, looking after my health, and doing fulfilling aport activities.

In fact the greatest system trap of addictions is that small efforts don't add up. Small consistent efforts add up to the greatest victories.

Edited October 31, 2024 by Amphibian220

[D_Cozy]

5 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Every day has to be won by showing self-respect, treating others kindly, looking after my health, and doing fulfilling aport activities.

Very well said ❤️ these are supremely important foundations imo; that includes your identity (self-respect), those around you (treating others kindly), your body (looking after your health) and your mental and spiritual health (fulfilling activities).

I think that fulfilling all these areas, every day to the best of our abilities, is what matters the most to really live life to its fullest.

[Amphibian220]

Okay so there is this strong barrier that I want to knock out of the way. 
 

When i slack too much, i start thinking that my lack of success is due to other people and circumstances outside of my control. “People are bad because they should’ve given me better treatment.”

this is the dumbest excuse ever.

Edited November 4, 2024 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

I read this book , thanks for the suggestion.

What I’ve decided is I’m going to make myself heard at work if someone is not treating me right.

Edited November 6, 2024 by Amphibian220

[Torch]

My apologies @Amphibian220.  I gave you the wrong advice.  I should've  inquired about the context of your statement.  

It sounds like you know what to do, practicing assertiveness with coworkers.  You will get better at this over time.  Perhaps write down a few scripts that you might say to the coworker?  Your coworkers will respect you for standing your ground, and you will feel proud if yourself.  Let us know how it goes!!

 

 

[Amphibian220]

the interference was still there. The crap thinking that certain people haven't given me proper pay or due respect. I struggled to clear my head and experienced a loss of discipline.

I happened to pass by a tv set that was demonstrating a first person shooter. So I stopped and watched it for about 15 minutes.

i haven't touched video games for five years. I don't have a real life group with whom i could achieve something. Im disconnected at work. 

Im going to tackle my dream today.

Edited November 27, 2024 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

I think that regrets are coming up because I am not taking decisions for my benefit right now in time. If I would act with resolution and conviction I wouldn’t be thinking about past mistakes.

It is the indifference and lack of strength that leads to more indifference. Working within a comfort zone causes the anxiety, but then can I do much to bring it down?

I should find a group today and discuss an issue with them. Living without a community is a waste of opportunities.

[Amphibian220]

Improvement today for the first time since the relapse. I actually pushed myself to do better at work and education.

[Amphibian220]

My awareness level has gone down because I'm not feeling the pressure, or i don’t care about the pressure. Im feeling fatigue.

[Amphibian220]

Common pitfalls that sap morale:

the job is not sophisticated enough and brings hardly enough cash to pay the bills. The perception is distorted in such a way that it appears that workmates and superiors look down on you. This may be because some worrying makes it hard to communicate with people on the job. What sort of means can be employed to be more confident in communicating?

Im behind on my council tax payments and I’ve got rent arrears too. I feel kind of stuck with an inability to find enough money. I think I will do freelance work to bring my money discipline back in line

Edited December 18, 2024 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

I came to return a loaned book and had to go upstairs to the library. The security guard on duty was finishing his sandwich and as a matter of fact cussed me in a dirty way, asking for my library card. I said I didn’t have one. The library worker on duty came down to let me in.

I haven't got the right attitude at all with this. Will let him have a piece of my mind.

Edited December 20, 2024 by Amphibian220

[Yan]

7 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

I came to return a loaned book and had to go upstairs to the library. The security guard on duty was finishing his sandwich and as a matter of fact cussed me in a dirty way, asking for my library card. I said I didn’t have one. The library worker on duty came down to let me in.

I haven't got the right attitude at all with this. Will let him have a piece of my mind.

Well done on posting daily. I would not place my state of mind and feelings at the treatment you get from others. They're not under your control, so whatever they act, accept it, and do what depend on you 🙂 If you're expecting someone to act in a certain way you're giving them power over your emotional state. Instead just concentrate on what you could do best in that situation where he didn't act optimally.
Hope this helps. This is just my opinion though 🙂

[Amphibian220]

I think I understood a peculiar form of self deception.

The more I shirk my responsibilities, and neglect my health, the more I justify lack of success on things outside my control. It can be the employer that withheld my wages from me, the promotion that was unjustly given to somebody else etc. As this starts happening, morale and energy hits rock bottom. This causes a downward cycle of further hiding from responsibilities and blaming it on others. 
 

I am really below my target level, for over a year.

[Amphibian220]

I forced myself to communicate and to attend the meetings at my university’s book club.

Living without social media initially induces an increase in anxiety, but this should subside as I continue in working on my communication skills.

[Amphibian220]

I cannot work at a high enough pace so that my employer changed my shift to work on weekends as well. I just had to accept it, because there is no other way to get the workload sorted out.

I dont need tv shows.

Edited January 9 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

I was pulled to watch talk shows last night. I didnt do it because the motivation was coming from neglecting my duties. It was a mixed day with some wins and some losses.

I did nit exercise, but I did part of my coursework assignment.

[Amphibian220]

Doing slightly better, energy is very low.

With my new financial plan, I shall put rent arrears in check and be back on schedule with payments in the next 6 months.

I started eating a bit more than before, I think that I am seriously undernourished, but finding better food has been hard because I do not know what my needs are.

[Amphibian220]

My friends have become ever more busy and unavailable. For over a year straight I haven’t met with anyone from my university or work. 

I don't know if it is my lack of initiative or people prefer chat apps these days.

Edited January 15 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

System trap elaborated

Recovering men have a leftover sense for a need of false safety. This illusion or mirage plays out by following games, films, social media groups. This then highlights cowardice in people attached to following the media platforms.

As day to day tasks are habitually failed, the effect will be a pro cyclical one, with a person ever more unwilling to get to know his family, work and university colleagues etc.

Another instance of when a relapse can happen is the phase of initial recovery. As a person earns a degree self-respect, esteem and dignity, some of his earned experience and skills on the job will free up a lot of mental energy and time for new areas of development. The employer may give him a promotion. A partially recovered person, may totally ignore the new responsibilities and revert to addictions. 

This behaviour occurs, because a person is lulled into thinking the pain has gone away for good, and no new challenges or growth are necessary for him, and decides to return to a sense of safety he experienced long before with electronic entertainment. This pro cyclicality will trigger a repeat crisis.

[Amphibian220]

I am feeling overworked and had to plead with my landlord about settling rent arrears. If he is going to refuse, I have to start looking for new properties which is a sizable expense in terms of moving places.

Quality went further down because working six days a week doesn't leave much for recuperation.

The book club’s guest speaker discussed a horror story with us which wasn’t of much interest to me. One of the members kept interrupting the lecturer with his remarks about the story and eventually the guest speaker warned he would remove him from the class.

Edited January 30 by Amphibian220

[Amphibian220]

One of my managers discussed his proposals to changes at the workplace with the team including new paid positions. It was a semi formal meeting with him stating he cannot sleep at night because of his concerns. It would have otherwise been a very boring conference call, had he not showed his humorous side. 

i cant help but notice my morale is rock bottom. Ive been with the company for years, but it doesn't seem to me that I am part of a team. I work with applications, data, but not people. 

My instinct is to go for safety, to the effect that roles with more responsibility are sabotaged. This kind of behaviour takes away from the morale I think. 

I want to pass the examination for a new role, for which I will have to practice in making verbal submissions.