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Restored journal


Amphibian220
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Posted (edited)

This three month’s detox is over but I don’t feel like I’ve moved out of my comfort zone to develop my strengths at all.

I was absolutely within my fragile comfort zone where 1) I’m causing  least nuisance to people, 2) do everything to keep communication and disagreement to a minimum, 3) Have not invested any serious time or effort in exercise activity, 4) Overspent on snacks and food. 5) Have not embarked on raising qualification level 6) Showed dismal performance at work.

Restarting the detox. This is now a detox of these comfort shells.  I should learn to accept myself and focus on things that I want and need in my life.

One correction is that I will be writing daily reports in these three months. Where everything goes to plan, I will have “nothing to report” message.

edit: I got it, I like the life of an absentee nice guy. Even when I see an obvious task, I will find a way to abandon it. Immediately people around me take advantage of that. The time I was overstretched I was attacking people. I just have to stretch myself enough to contest recognition.

Edited by Amphibian220
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Okay so the day has been productive except for two hours when I had junk food and couldn’t really work on my exam revision due to irritated bowel.

I still have exercises left to do. I haven’t dreamt today.

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Can you tell me more about your avoidance of daydreaming? What fuels that habit of yours? I ask because I myself am interested in the effects of daydreaming on one’s emotional state

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Unfortunately this habit is not location specific and is the most uncontrolled.

It depends on the state. Boredom influences to day dream, completion of work, revision or stress does the same. 

The alternative is an intense workout. When I used to do that, I was seriously contemplating a life of a professional athlete and the workout was living my dream.

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Practicing mindfulness and trying actively to pay attention to the physical world around you is a practical way to avoid daydreaming. But you must remember that daydreaming is, in it's most natural state, a healthy and normal thing. As problematic as maladaptive daydreaming is, don't be surprised when it's the hardest thing to combat since we're technically supposed to daydream at least some of the time.

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My memorization was better today. I covered a good part of one of the core subjects.

I’m feeling like taking a break and traveling to the UK in order to search for more fitting jobs. The travel restrictions are sure going to be a hassle.

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Posted (edited)

Its the weekend and I’m being pulled in different directions over what to do.

Discipline is down. For the first time I’ve broken my diet plan.

I completed my workout but later on failed to make the job applications. Need to do it asap.

Edited by Amphibian220
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Today i’ve failed to be productive at revision. I need to get a soccer ball asap. My strength exercise needs to be more explosive.

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Got out of my house finally and had a proper workout today. Feeling great and my revision was better than normal.

Still feel that I need to improve memorization and physical strength. Im thinking a combination of calisthenics and a martial arts sport.

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Posted (edited)

Very drowsy today.

I regularly experience tiredness followed by inability to focus. I then switch to reading something that reignites my focus.

I had a short workout at my work for the first time.

Edited by Amphibian220
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Posted (edited)

Im low on money, work search was not done yesterday.

My nutrition is bad at the moment, because I don’t take the time to cook for myself. Im in the habit of getting up late and rushing to work. Need to replace this.

 

discipline is entering a controlled conflict over your priorities.

Discipline is cutting out he crap from your work.

Discipline is caution.

Edited by Amphibian220
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Posted (edited)

Spent time completing my chores over the weekend. I feel very sore from all the physical exertion.

My productivity at work today is near zero despite the fact Im doing everything to stay healthy. 

Im starting to see it as the long haul. I’ve had amazing successes in 2021, but that immediately went downhill when I learned all the tasks. It just doesn’t excite me, because completion of tasks has become nearly automatic. My work colleague is far more involved emotionally in his work. I just don‘t know where to get this energy from.

I missed today’s workout and am shifting it to evening. 

Edited by Amphibian220
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Missed yesterday’s workout.

I need some sort of accountability to keep myself focused. I need appraisals, but it is just not forthcoming with my employer

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6 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Missed yesterday’s workout.

I need some sort of accountability to keep myself focused. I need appraisals, but it is just not forthcoming with my employer

Hi, I noticed you said you just tried working out at work recently. I think the best way to develop this habit is by picking some exercise routing that makes you feel great afterwards/ during the day. You are not trying to set a record or anything.

Remember we are struggling against gaming and its effects even when we do not game. If your body is in pain, the brain might turn to addiction/ negative thinking and it is not that you lack discipline.

Wish you all the best

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7 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Yes I usually do pushups and pullups during short breaks.

I had a very productive day but the next day my energy has plummeted.

Pullups are no jokes. You strong haha

I am not sure if I can give advice on this since right now I'm in the same boat with you: I too struggle to cook for myself and can only wake up early on and off plus I do find it hard to fall asleep.

I can only share with you what put me in better headspace than before I started gamequitters (25 days clean now): I learn about myself and accept myself more when I read the questions/ hear people talk in CGAA (Computer Gaming Addicts Anonymous) and Alcoholic Anonymous.

Now that I lost gaming as a crutch in my life, all the materials/sharing/ fellowship from CGAA and AA meetings make me more compassionate towards myself and actually motivate me to improve my life. And it's not just some self-help stuff. I used to follow some self-help gurus and ran 12k marathons but all that only made my mind more angry and judgmental and estranged from people.

Not sure if this will work for you but know that I am really happy for you for completing the detox to become game - free. Now it may suck but your life is yours again to figure out. And we are here for you 🙂

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Thank you. For me the greater challenge came when I realized I have to stop dreaming and following social networks and action films and just be present among people mentally.

A long term weakness and threat is working 9 to 8 and not getting enough exercise. So Even without the distractions I don’t like where I’m at. I have to turn this situation around.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

One month into my detox and I feel like I should start taking more risks and working in a quicker fashion.

Most people state that they want to get rid of addictive habits. When I am staying away from my addictive habits, I am still looking for the energy and it is hard to find.

I think my energy comes from sports like basketball and I haven’t got the time to get out as much as before due to the nature of my work.

When I watched Cameron surfing I was totally overawed at how mentally liberating the experience is. Its exactly because he’s got to struggle against the waves that he can forget everything in the world. Its just him and the next wave.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Its 1 month and 10 days into my new detox.

Over the last days I noticed that I can’t trust autopilot mode at all. It just reverts me to old modes of behaviour when I’m in a stress scenario.

I can only follow scripted action plans down to the minute including contingency plans for when my chosen activity is unavailable.

I have to communicate with people more.

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Work stress changes the whole approach. If I complete difficult work I need a coping mechanism to deal with intense thinking. I just can’t release, and get all sorts of dreams.

Will have to start running or shadow boxing.

Edited by Amphibian220
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This is hard to believe.

I wrote down a perfectly doable daily plan and I managed to complete most of the tasks while breaking my rules! It is amazing how cunningly I behaved, the quality of my work was poor but I made it look like I'm working! What will happen at the exam? It will be a half-assed effort. Socially I am still very withdrawn.

Yes, watching educational videos for 40-50 minutes and dreaming for another 2-3 hours per day is fun. It gives me the illusion of control. I have been unable to do exercise over the last days and revise my subjects. 

I will try to do it today.

Edited by Amphibian220
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  • 1 month later...

My second detox from media is over. The rules for not overeating and not following distractions have been regularly broken.

today was a rare exception. I followed the no distractions, no overeating rule just from getting bored. I already know what it is like to be withdrawn and passive, so i will continue for another month to see how the active lifestyle changes me. 

Day 1 success.

highest difficulty is running a controlled conflict, or contesting an issue with my employer.

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