The Warrior's Infinite Opus

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Posted

I'm just selfish. I vent here and just expect people to listen. I've stopped trying to reach out to people. I'm climbing mountains and not telling anybody. I'm looking at everyone through a glass wall. Hoping they'll see me on the other side. I could tap on the glass. I could smash the wall but that just isn't me. I just try and make as big of a spectacle as I can in hopes that they look. That's just me I suppose. Me and my images.

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Hey @Schwing,

Being selfish is not bad thing nor good thing. You write about the negatives of being selfish as you see through your "pair of glassess", but look, believe it or not, it's the matter of perspective. When you see or experience an accident, what is the first step you do? Be sure to secure YOURSELF. That is kind of a selfish statement, but you cannot help others if you are not capable to help. You cannot give, if you cannot have. You cannot give love, if you don't love yourself, if you don't accumulate it for yourself. Same goes with nature - little children when they get a toy they don't share it with other kids (naturally without pressure), they go to the corner and explore everything that it has to offer for them and then if they ready they give it to someone else.

What I was trying to say that now, your You it is what it is. It's not bad or good. It's just being You. Everyone is constantly changing, so do You. Maybe now your inner self is manifesting what it is needed right now. Listen to your inner self is always subjectively bad or good for others, but it doesn't matter.

I read couple other journals and yours is very original it manifest You in very raw way. I like it. Absolutely no 'filter' in what your trying to say :) Keep it up, especially for yourself. Cheers

 

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Hey @Schwing,

Being selfish is not bad thing nor good thing. You write about the negatives of being selfish as you see through your "pair of glassess", but look, believe it or not, it's the matter of perspective. When you see or experience an accident, what is the first step you do? Be sure to secure YOURSELF. That is kind of a selfish statement, but you cannot help others if you are not capable to help. You cannot give, if you cannot have. You cannot give love, if you don't love yourself, if you don't accumulate it for yourself. Same goes with nature - little children when they get a toy they don't share it with other kids (naturally without pressure), they go to the corner and explore everything that it has to offer for them and then if they ready they give it to someone else.

What I was trying to say that now, your You it is what it is. It's not bad or good. It's just being You. Everyone is constantly changing, so do You. Maybe now your inner self is manifesting what it is needed right now. Listen to your inner self is always subjectively bad or good for others, but it doesn't matter.

I read couple other journals and yours is very original it manifest You in very raw way. I like it. Absolutely no 'filter' in what your trying to say :) Keep it up, especially for yourself. Cheers

I suppose you could go as deep as that. To say our intrinsic traits are just as they are - strength, weakness, pleasure, pain - all neither good nor bad. They all simply amount to changes in your self and your environment. All intertwined. Pain can come from strength. Weakness can come from pleasure.

But whatever it is I have, let's call it my 'selfishness', it eats away at me. I opt in for a life of solitude. I choose to pursue greatness and I don't reach out to anyone. Sure. I'm stronger because of that trait. I don't go round holding onto someone else's tail. But I also feel pain. I feel lonely. Like I'm on some desert island somewhere building a castle and I have no one to share it with. I'm weak because I can't give in to anyone else. I can't ask them for help. I can't ask them if they want to go do something. I cant sit and talk to them. I cant let them see me. I hide. I don't want anyone to see I'm weak. That I'm just a person. I obscure myself with images that I try to project. I even try to convince myself that I'm some sort of image. Some sort of symbol of whatever I want to master.

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I resonate with your struggle, because I've felt similarly for a long time. We share a brand of misery.

I tend to always want to go bigger, beyond the everyday struggles and thoughts of people around me. Shut everyone else out and work on myself and my oh-so-important dreams. While I strongly believe this is the path I need to take - you do not achieve excellence by living a normal life - it can result in loneliness. Me also being strongly introverted also acts as both a curse and a blessing. 

What I would advise is to try open up, tiny bits at a time. Life is intrinsically lonely, yes, but a little less so if you find a friend or a girl who are worthy of walking alongside you on your path (and I promise, there are some out there). 

Words are terribly insufficient, but suppose for a second that I've felt just as you do now. I can't offer you a solution, but you must understand that whatever it is, whatever you're dissatisfied with, you can change. Feeling lonely, closed in, distant, rigid? Accept it, shut off your apathy, your emotions, and begin logically working on it. 

This turned into a rant, as it usually goes. Hope you can take away something from my words, and good luck <3 

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I resonate with your struggle, because I've felt similarly for a long time. We share a brand of misery.

I tend to always want to go bigger, beyond the everyday struggles and thoughts of people around me. Shut everyone else out and work on myself and my oh-so-important dreams. While I strongly believe this is the path I need to take - you do not achieve excellence by living a normal life - it can result in loneliness. Me also being strongly introverted also acts as both a curse and a blessing. 

What I would advise is to try open up, tiny bits at a time. Life is intrinsically lonely, yes, but a little less so if you find a friend or a girl who are worthy of walking alongside you on your path (and I promise, there are some out there). 

Words are terribly insufficient, but suppose for a second that I've felt just as you do now. I can't offer you a solution, but you must understand that whatever it is, whatever you're dissatisfied with, you can change. Feeling lonely, closed in, distant, rigid? Accept it, shut off your apathy, your emotions, and begin logically working on it. 

This turned into a rant, as it usually goes. Hope you can take away something from my words, and good luck <3 

Thanks man this helps a lot

This is the way I'm wired and I can't do shit about it. It's me. I just don't enjoy the same stuff as people around me. I just don't do things that I don't want to do. I'm just stuck in this social purgatory of high school. I have nothing to latch on to. No one to confide in. It's just culminated to the point of me developing this dream. A dream that I can confide in.

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Cat's out the bag

The cat is out of the bag and I'm trying to stuff it back in before people kick it to death.

People are starting to find out I want to be a comic book artist at school. I'm getting a surge of 'whys' and 'hows' coming at me. It's a fucking pain in the arse. Makes me just want to go some place else where I can't hear their babbling. My stepdad's found out as well. Ah for fuck's sake. He's gonna start lecturing me. I can't be fucked to explain to anyone the reason why I want to do this. I can't be bothered because I know they won't understand and only stare at me perplexed and ridicule me.

This stigma has caused me to doubt myself. When something emotionally hits you, you rationalise over the emotion. One day I was emotionally hit and I rationalised to be a comic artist. Today I was emotionally hit and I started rationalising about perhaps not being a comic book artist. It's these emotions that drive us as humans to do extraordinary things. It's what makes us tick. But emotions come and go. One object of life is never going to consistently incite one particular emotional response. It will incite pain and pleasure and you will have to prepared to accept both if you wish to dedicate yourself to it. But what makes you want to dedicate yourself to something? Where does this grounding come from? If pleasure is simply incited by any particular object then why do we humans choose to fixate ourselves on one path; one woman; one family; one country; one tribe; one ideology.

It's because as humans we demand truth. We demand purpose. We demand to have something in this world which defines our existence. We need a grounding point to anchor our emotions in reality. Some people receive definition from the system. Most of the other kids at school see a career and possibly a family and that's it. They are happy. But kids like me are wired differently. I don't feel shit for the system. I have never witnessed the role of a father. All i have to confide in is the goofy shit that I do for my soul food. My art.

Art is where I define my purpose. It's where I place myself in the gloom of reality and where I build my stronghold. It's what I give my life to because it is one of the few things that has given me life. I need to dedicate myself to it because otherwise I can't live. I'm walking alone in the dark without a home.

It's been arranged so I can do the entirety of the art course at school next year. This means switching maths sets, dropping D&T and switching to the noob physics class. I'm prepared to do anything. I'm prepared because I have my stronghold.

It's time to stand by my cat and beat everyone up who decides to kick it.

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Posted

Long timey no typey typey


Revofuckingcation!

It's been a fucking while! Indeed it has! I haven't posted in such a long long time for a number of reasons:

  1. I had another dumbfuck existential crisis
  2. I sort of stopped caring and submerged myself in porn and videogames every now and again.
  3. I've had exams and what little mental vitality I have was diverted into the colossal regurgitation process that is the modern education system

I suppose you could say it all started last week on saturday. Prior to this I was getting a bit melancholy about the whole comic books thing. I figured out how the shithole that is my brain works a while ago and what being a 'comic book artist' really meant to me. I've been chasing images all this time; symbols of status for me to attach myself to and draw meaning from. It's behind everything I do. Absolutely everything. It's the reason I quit games in the first place. To be the 'black sheep', the 'lone wolf', the cartoon character cookie cutter archetypal trash that my brain binds itself to. I've been hiding. Craftily plastering my images about my own consciousness the delude it into the notion that I am those things. That there isn't a small, cold, lonely, shivering child underneath the veils of my own vanity. That there isn't a child in the who has barely seen the light of day. It's sick. It's fucked up. I know and all I can really do is forget and hope it goes away.
Oh yeah! Comic books have helped you. Really! They've allowed you to kid yourself into living a life of vanity. You're like one of those dumb bimbo slags who weigh a metric shit ton. The whales who go out to eat with their 'friends' and order a salad and pick at it; making some silly remarks about how they're full. Then when they get home they order about 5 pizzas and stuff themselves. You guzzle up the bullshit images comic books and whatnot provide and craftily apply them you your imaginary apparel, when in actuality, it is the meat of the meaning behind these comic books; the emotions; the adventure that keeps your soul from shrivelling just barely. If only you would engage in the comfort of other people. But you can't because if you did that you would have to make the images give way. 
Back on the topic of last week on saturday: I live in a small antediluvian village in the english countryside - which I am very grateful for - which is full of old folks. One particular old man needed help doing some odd jobs on his bit of land. Turns out he knows what I'm going through right now. Somehow it seems he knows more about me than I do myself. He has the mind and soul of a prophet. Naturally, he was inquisitive towards me. Of course my avoidant shitbag mind drew back and took a back seat. Smile and wave boys! Smile and wave! He supplied the nudge to push me into the abyss. No. He helped me up and I chose to run aimlessly, like a skittish deer, into the abyss.
Why? Why give yourself to this stupid shit when you can just focus on using your skills to make the world a better place? You're selfish. You fucking suck. Get a real job. Get a family. Show people some respect and make some friends. Oh wait. But you can't! Because you suck. Because your brain is so fucked up you can't do shit. You might as well just kill yourself. You are useless. You are simply a self justified cluster of molecules spawned by the throes of causality which has been reproducing and adapting itself for many millions of years.
I got my fixes but nothing good distract me. Just crawling back to the same room at the end of the day, a day consisting of self inflicted social isolation and feeling sorry for myself when I didn't have any maths problems stuffed in my face, feeling like a total pile of shit. Jerking off and dicking about on shadow or mordor.

Bullshit

I have worth. No mater how much of a shitbag I am. I am a fundamental part of this vast construct of life in this world. Without my interaction in the system of causality the world would be a different place. I am a part of the collective consciousness of sentient life. Every human, dog, or whatever that can think or feel I have come close to has a memory of me - a piece of my soul that will influence their decisions in later life. These pieces add up to a vast portion of me ingrained upon the world.
There are things we don't know and a race. There are things I don't know as person. That in itself is god and what we humans strive for. Meaning beyond the cluster of molecules. What even is reality? Everything is in the perception I am experiencing right now - what was past and future is non existent as far as I am concerned. Truly profound. I feel. Therefore I am. I am a cluster of molecules but I sure don't feel like it. I feel emotions. They drive me and I have them no matter what. I laugh. I play. I cry. I scream. I must own them. I choose to own them. Before I was choosing to perish. Fuck that.
There is something to be had in this world. I just need to have it. I'm already having it. But once I've had an adequate amount of it only then can I see it. I can't see it now. I'm in the spiritual purgatory of adolescence. I'll keep living. I'll keep going through with my 'grand scheme' and see where life takes me.

[IMG]

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Posted

Hey man!

So long I didn't visited your journal!

How are you doing with gaming and existential crisis at the same time? I'm just wondering :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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I've read your whole last post and understood about 1/2, maybe even less. But I know your feelings and realize that you are thinking a lot, just like I do. Maybe too much. You know too much, ask too many questions, have too many doubts. Therefore you can't have the illusionary peace most of the rest enjoys. You see through the illusion of career, family, fame and recognition. You see how people are led by their biological determination. But you don't see any alternative either. Because there is none. That drives you mad.

You abuse porn and videogames to ease that pain and madness, which is also just a biological or mental drive. You see through that drive and hate yourself for giving in to it, but what is the alternative? You can stop with porn and videogames in exchange for recognition. But that's just another mental drive. There is just no reward, no real reason not to do it. And we humans need a reason for everything we do.

You have to die and you can't escape nor live without the system. There can't be a purpose in your life, because life has no meaning. Whatever you do is without any significance. You are a pitiable creature.

I really would like to offer you a solution or some kind of solace, but I think there is none. At least not for me. I just ask myself how to make the best of it. I have thought about suicide, but it just seems like a waste of opportunities, since I will die eventually anyway.

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Hey man!

So long I didn't visited your journal!

How are you doing with gaming and existential crisis at the same time? I'm just wondering :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

Gaming was a product of my mood at the time. I gamed because I felt like shit - and it helped ease the pain in the short term. But in the long term? Fuck that. I don't really have time to game. I no longer view games as some sort of demonic anathema in my life. I refuse to be conceited and stagnate in my worldviews. Video games, in the context of what I want to achieve, are a waste of time. I have no time to grind for stuff. I have plenty of time to appreciate the story. It's a balancing act that I don't have time to formulate over. It's best just not bothering and reading books instead. However, when a good game blips on my radar that I've been waiting for I'll jump right in and give it a ride. Let's just say if elder scrolls 6 comes out I'm buying that shit!

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I've read your whole last post and understood about 1/2, maybe even less. But I know your feelings and realize that you are thinking a lot, just like I do. Maybe too much. You know too much, ask too many questions, have too many doubts. Therefore you can't have the illusionary peace most of the rest enjoys. You see through the illusion of career, family, fame and recognition. You see how people are led by their biological determination. But you don't see any alternative either. Because there is none. That drives you mad.

You abuse porn and videogames to ease that pain and madness, which is also just a biological or mental drive. You see through that drive and hate yourself for giving in to it, but what is the alternative? You can stop with porn and videogames in exchange for recognition. But that's just another mental drive. There is just no reward, no real reason not to do it. And we humans need a reason for everything we do.

You have to die and you can't escape nor live without the system. There can't be a purpose in your life, because life has no meaning. Whatever you do is without any significance. You are a pitiable creature.

I really would like to offer you a solution or some kind of solace, but I think there is none. At least not for me. I just ask myself how to make the best of it. I have thought about suicide, but it just seems like a waste of opportunities, since I will die eventually anyway.

The bottom line is: I am human and being human means I subconsciously restrict myself to the realms of my emotions. I can rationalise that life is pointless. If all you do is look with your eyes at what's going on you will become a nihilist. It's a given. However, even the most nihilistic of nihilists fail to take into account one thing - no matter how much you tell yourself you are a cluster of molecules you will still feel. That is the one constant of philosophical pursuit. That man feels and no rationality can be standardised and prescribed to a man so that he may connect with the world around him at his fullest.

I still feel. So I might as well keep feeling. My life is based around my feelings and I accept them. I accept my dad wasn't the best father because that was a mere step in the throes of causality to the outcome - the current me. The me that is strong and the me that is weak. Good and bad are just labels. The fact of the matter is that they are the same thing. The bad of a dysfunctional family made me suffer. But it also made me strong. It made me different, which in turn made me inquisitive and gave me an outside perspective to life, which in turn allowed me to quit gaming and write this big ol' chunk of text to you.

I accept I am fucked up. I accept my past emotion and I use it as fuel. I have known the suffering of being a dumb fucked up kid. That's why I want to make comic books - for all those dumb fucked up kids out there. To keep them sane. To wind in my ideas. To tell them that there is more to life than they might presume. I might not really be reaching out to them -  who cares - that's not the point. The point it I am doing something. No matter who you are or what you do you contribute to the human collective consciousness. You do good or bad. Now those are just labels. Good and bad are solely to do with what ever you perceive them to be. But in the action of committing yourself to contributing, through whatever you do, you become empowered. You gain momentum to see more, do more, think more and thus feel more.

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Posted

Majoring in the minors

We are found in far away places.

Not all is lost.

We must be strong and cling onto hope.

We must be strong when the ground is shifting out from under our feet.

Stop majoring in the minors.

It’s when you get inside that it widens.

Stay true tempered.

You’re not the first to find life is tough.

It's officially summer. The end of the school year. I have one year left of high school.

i guess there were a lot of things I didn't do. Like get a girlfriend, do the wim hof method every single day, take up martial arts, learn how to play blast beats and use a double kick drum pedal, go to a concert, learn how to sing metal, not play video games for a whole year, not jerk off for 90 days. It wasn't in vain though. It's all culminated into what I've found now. Art.

Humans as a species are driven by a specialised instruction set like a machine. We are vessels for an incredibly complex molecule of unknown origin that seemingly seeks to reproduce itself. The system of living endorsed by our species is that of the tribe. We devote ourselves to some cause. One way or another. We form strict social hierarchies and have gender roles to adhere to. We are driven by emotional impulses to do things. That's just the way we work right? Every clock has to tick somehow.

However being human is more than that. We refuse to see things as they are. We refuse to accept that we are mere chemically imbalanced ants. Because we see something that animals don't see. And that is the infinite mystery and complexity of the universe, otherwise known as god. Being a mere vessel of DNA doesn't cut it. As individuals and as a species we believe that we are destined for greater things. The power of the human consciousness is truly monumental.

I accept these feelings. I'm part of something much bigger than I can possibly comprehend and it's up to me to experience it. Merge with it. I refuse to waste away and major in the minors because of some rationality of my microscopic mind. My consciousness is attached to something far greater. That's something I will follow. In the action of actively pursuing something I love I feel empowered! And that's all that counts. Feeling is being. I feel therefore I am.

I've been getting put down a lot by my decision to become a comic book artist/ illustrator. My parents aren't with me. They think I'm throwing everything away just to draw stupid cartoons. Same at school. I've been getting stick from some kid that wants to be an investment banker. It's funny how he was my first friend ever at this school. He used to be bullied a lot in primary school. And now he's grown up to be one of  the most unstable egotistical pricks I know. Funny how school changes us.

I refuse to give in. My dream feels like it's a part of me. Like an internal organ. To lose it is to die. That might change. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a stupid stubborn teen? Haha. I guess you could say that. But the thing is: I'm not doing anything out of coercion or fear of regret. That it the path to weakness and mediocrity. Pursuing art gives me something I have never had with anything else. Absolute willpower of massive proportions. And that's something I don't want to lose. Because it's a powerful feeling. The feeling is the goal. The method to obtaining it? The method is not a solution. I have been told in life there are no solutions and I believe it. The method is simply the method to attaining what we all strive for. Humanity.

more_figures_by_vaeldus-dbem299.jpg

Arse cheeks!

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Posted

What poem is that? I like that...really fits

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Posted

I can't offer the answer you or your post deserves (maybe I could if I had an extra hour :P ); I simply wanted to say I recognize myself in your love of art, and the power that follows. It's remarkable, don't you agree?

Additionally I'm interested in how things are going for you, and hope you'll return to the forums soon (as I have; would you want to be worse? ;))

Hope you're well. 

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