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The Warrior's Infinite Opus

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Posted

I'm just selfish. I vent here and just expect people to listen. I've stopped trying to reach out to people. I'm climbing mountains and not telling anybody. I'm looking at everyone through a glass wall. Hoping they'll see me on the other side. I could tap on the glass. I could smash the wall but that just isn't me. I just try and make as big of a spectacle as I can in hopes that they look. That's just me I suppose. Me and my images.

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Hey @Schwing,

Being selfish is not bad thing nor good thing. You write about the negatives of being selfish as you see through your "pair of glassess", but look, believe it or not, it's the matter of perspective. When you see or experience an accident, what is the first step you do? Be sure to secure YOURSELF. That is kind of a selfish statement, but you cannot help others if you are not capable to help. You cannot give, if you cannot have. You cannot give love, if you don't love yourself, if you don't accumulate it for yourself. Same goes with nature - little children when they get a toy they don't share it with other kids (naturally without pressure), they go to the corner and explore everything that it has to offer for them and then if they ready they give it to someone else.

What I was trying to say that now, your You it is what it is. It's not bad or good. It's just being You. Everyone is constantly changing, so do You. Maybe now your inner self is manifesting what it is needed right now. Listen to your inner self is always subjectively bad or good for others, but it doesn't matter.

I read couple other journals and yours is very original it manifest You in very raw way. I like it. Absolutely no 'filter' in what your trying to say :) Keep it up, especially for yourself. Cheers

 

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Hey @Schwing,

Being selfish is not bad thing nor good thing. You write about the negatives of being selfish as you see through your "pair of glassess", but look, believe it or not, it's the matter of perspective. When you see or experience an accident, what is the first step you do? Be sure to secure YOURSELF. That is kind of a selfish statement, but you cannot help others if you are not capable to help. You cannot give, if you cannot have. You cannot give love, if you don't love yourself, if you don't accumulate it for yourself. Same goes with nature - little children when they get a toy they don't share it with other kids (naturally without pressure), they go to the corner and explore everything that it has to offer for them and then if they ready they give it to someone else.

What I was trying to say that now, your You it is what it is. It's not bad or good. It's just being You. Everyone is constantly changing, so do You. Maybe now your inner self is manifesting what it is needed right now. Listen to your inner self is always subjectively bad or good for others, but it doesn't matter.

I read couple other journals and yours is very original it manifest You in very raw way. I like it. Absolutely no 'filter' in what your trying to say :) Keep it up, especially for yourself. Cheers

I suppose you could go as deep as that. To say our intrinsic traits are just as they are - strength, weakness, pleasure, pain - all neither good nor bad. They all simply amount to changes in your self and your environment. All intertwined. Pain can come from strength. Weakness can come from pleasure.

But whatever it is I have, let's call it my 'selfishness', it eats away at me. I opt in for a life of solitude. I choose to pursue greatness and I don't reach out to anyone. Sure. I'm stronger because of that trait. I don't go round holding onto someone else's tail. But I also feel pain. I feel lonely. Like I'm on some desert island somewhere building a castle and I have no one to share it with. I'm weak because I can't give in to anyone else. I can't ask them for help. I can't ask them if they want to go do something. I cant sit and talk to them. I cant let them see me. I hide. I don't want anyone to see I'm weak. That I'm just a person. I obscure myself with images that I try to project. I even try to convince myself that I'm some sort of image. Some sort of symbol of whatever I want to master.

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I resonate with your struggle, because I've felt similarly for a long time. We share a brand of misery.

I tend to always want to go bigger, beyond the everyday struggles and thoughts of people around me. Shut everyone else out and work on myself and my oh-so-important dreams. While I strongly believe this is the path I need to take - you do not achieve excellence by living a normal life - it can result in loneliness. Me also being strongly introverted also acts as both a curse and a blessing. 

What I would advise is to try open up, tiny bits at a time. Life is intrinsically lonely, yes, but a little less so if you find a friend or a girl who are worthy of walking alongside you on your path (and I promise, there are some out there). 

Words are terribly insufficient, but suppose for a second that I've felt just as you do now. I can't offer you a solution, but you must understand that whatever it is, whatever you're dissatisfied with, you can change. Feeling lonely, closed in, distant, rigid? Accept it, shut off your apathy, your emotions, and begin logically working on it. 

This turned into a rant, as it usually goes. Hope you can take away something from my words, and good luck <3 

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I resonate with your struggle, because I've felt similarly for a long time. We share a brand of misery.

I tend to always want to go bigger, beyond the everyday struggles and thoughts of people around me. Shut everyone else out and work on myself and my oh-so-important dreams. While I strongly believe this is the path I need to take - you do not achieve excellence by living a normal life - it can result in loneliness. Me also being strongly introverted also acts as both a curse and a blessing. 

What I would advise is to try open up, tiny bits at a time. Life is intrinsically lonely, yes, but a little less so if you find a friend or a girl who are worthy of walking alongside you on your path (and I promise, there are some out there). 

Words are terribly insufficient, but suppose for a second that I've felt just as you do now. I can't offer you a solution, but you must understand that whatever it is, whatever you're dissatisfied with, you can change. Feeling lonely, closed in, distant, rigid? Accept it, shut off your apathy, your emotions, and begin logically working on it. 

This turned into a rant, as it usually goes. Hope you can take away something from my words, and good luck <3 

Thanks man this helps a lot

This is the way I'm wired and I can't do shit about it. It's me. I just don't enjoy the same stuff as people around me. I just don't do things that I don't want to do. I'm just stuck in this social purgatory of high school. I have nothing to latch on to. No one to confide in. It's just culminated to the point of me developing this dream. A dream that I can confide in.

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Cat's out the bag

The cat is out of the bag and I'm trying to stuff it back in before people kick it to death.

People are starting to find out I want to be a comic book artist at school. I'm getting a surge of 'whys' and 'hows' coming at me. It's a fucking pain in the arse. Makes me just want to go some place else where I can't hear their babbling. My stepdad's found out as well. Ah for fuck's sake. He's gonna start lecturing me. I can't be fucked to explain to anyone the reason why I want to do this. I can't be bothered because I know they won't understand and only stare at me perplexed and ridicule me.

This stigma has caused me to doubt myself. When something emotionally hits you, you rationalise over the emotion. One day I was emotionally hit and I rationalised to be a comic artist. Today I was emotionally hit and I started rationalising about perhaps not being a comic book artist. It's these emotions that drive us as humans to do extraordinary things. It's what makes us tick. But emotions come and go. One object of life is never going to consistently incite one particular emotional response. It will incite pain and pleasure and you will have to prepared to accept both if you wish to dedicate yourself to it. But what makes you want to dedicate yourself to something? Where does this grounding come from? If pleasure is simply incited by any particular object then why do we humans choose to fixate ourselves on one path; one woman; one family; one country; one tribe; one ideology.

It's because as humans we demand truth. We demand purpose. We demand to have something in this world which defines our existence. We need a grounding point to anchor our emotions in reality. Some people receive definition from the system. Most of the other kids at school see a career and possibly a family and that's it. They are happy. But kids like me are wired differently. I don't feel shit for the system. I have never witnessed the role of a father. All i have to confide in is the goofy shit that I do for my soul food. My art.

Art is where I define my purpose. It's where I place myself in the gloom of reality and where I build my stronghold. It's what I give my life to because it is one of the few things that has given me life. I need to dedicate myself to it because otherwise I can't live. I'm walking alone in the dark without a home.

It's been arranged so I can do the entirety of the art course at school next year. This means switching maths sets, dropping D&T and switching to the noob physics class. I'm prepared to do anything. I'm prepared because I have my stronghold.

It's time to stand by my cat and beat everyone up who decides to kick it.

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Posted

Long timey no typey typey


Revofuckingcation!

It's been a fucking while! Indeed it has! I haven't posted in such a long long time for a number of reasons:

  1. I had another dumbfuck existential crisis
  2. I sort of stopped caring and submerged myself in porn and videogames every now and again.
  3. I've had exams and what little mental vitality I have was diverted into the colossal regurgitation process that is the modern education system

I suppose you could say it all started last week on saturday. Prior to this I was getting a bit melancholy about the whole comic books thing. I figured out how the shithole that is my brain works a while ago and what being a 'comic book artist' really meant to me. I've been chasing images all this time; symbols of status for me to attach myself to and draw meaning from. It's behind everything I do. Absolutely everything. It's the reason I quit games in the first place. To be the 'black sheep', the 'lone wolf', the cartoon character cookie cutter archetypal trash that my brain binds itself to. I've been hiding. Craftily plastering my images about my own consciousness the delude it into the notion that I am those things. That there isn't a small, cold, lonely, shivering child underneath the veils of my own vanity. That there isn't a child in the who has barely seen the light of day. It's sick. It's fucked up. I know and all I can really do is forget and hope it goes away.
Oh yeah! Comic books have helped you. Really! They've allowed you to kid yourself into living a life of vanity. You're like one of those dumb bimbo slags who weigh a metric shit ton. The whales who go out to eat with their 'friends' and order a salad and pick at it; making some silly remarks about how they're full. Then when they get home they order about 5 pizzas and stuff themselves. You guzzle up the bullshit images comic books and whatnot provide and craftily apply them you your imaginary apparel, when in actuality, it is the meat of the meaning behind these comic books; the emotions; the adventure that keeps your soul from shrivelling just barely. If only you would engage in the comfort of other people. But you can't because if you did that you would have to make the images give way. 
Back on the topic of last week on saturday: I live in a small antediluvian village in the english countryside - which I am very grateful for - which is full of old folks. One particular old man needed help doing some odd jobs on his bit of land. Turns out he knows what I'm going through right now. Somehow it seems he knows more about me than I do myself. He has the mind and soul of a prophet. Naturally, he was inquisitive towards me. Of course my avoidant shitbag mind drew back and took a back seat. Smile and wave boys! Smile and wave! He supplied the nudge to push me into the abyss. No. He helped me up and I chose to run aimlessly, like a skittish deer, into the abyss.
Why? Why give yourself to this stupid shit when you can just focus on using your skills to make the world a better place? You're selfish. You fucking suck. Get a real job. Get a family. Show people some respect and make some friends. Oh wait. But you can't! Because you suck. Because your brain is so fucked up you can't do shit. You might as well just kill yourself. You are useless. You are simply a self justified cluster of molecules spawned by the throes of causality which has been reproducing and adapting itself for many millions of years.
I got my fixes but nothing good distract me. Just crawling back to the same room at the end of the day, a day consisting of self inflicted social isolation and feeling sorry for myself when I didn't have any maths problems stuffed in my face, feeling like a total pile of shit. Jerking off and dicking about on shadow or mordor.

Bullshit

I have worth. No mater how much of a shitbag I am. I am a fundamental part of this vast construct of life in this world. Without my interaction in the system of causality the world would be a different place. I am a part of the collective consciousness of sentient life. Every human, dog, or whatever that can think or feel I have come close to has a memory of me - a piece of my soul that will influence their decisions in later life. These pieces add up to a vast portion of me ingrained upon the world.
There are things we don't know and a race. There are things I don't know as person. That in itself is god and what we humans strive for. Meaning beyond the cluster of molecules. What even is reality? Everything is in the perception I am experiencing right now - what was past and future is non existent as far as I am concerned. Truly profound. I feel. Therefore I am. I am a cluster of molecules but I sure don't feel like it. I feel emotions. They drive me and I have them no matter what. I laugh. I play. I cry. I scream. I must own them. I choose to own them. Before I was choosing to perish. Fuck that.
There is something to be had in this world. I just need to have it. I'm already having it. But once I've had an adequate amount of it only then can I see it. I can't see it now. I'm in the spiritual purgatory of adolescence. I'll keep living. I'll keep going through with my 'grand scheme' and see where life takes me.

[IMG]

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Posted

Hey man!

So long I didn't visited your journal!

How are you doing with gaming and existential crisis at the same time? I'm just wondering :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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I've read your whole last post and understood about 1/2, maybe even less. But I know your feelings and realize that you are thinking a lot, just like I do. Maybe too much. You know too much, ask too many questions, have too many doubts. Therefore you can't have the illusionary peace most of the rest enjoys. You see through the illusion of career, family, fame and recognition. You see how people are led by their biological determination. But you don't see any alternative either. Because there is none. That drives you mad.

You abuse porn and videogames to ease that pain and madness, which is also just a biological or mental drive. You see through that drive and hate yourself for giving in to it, but what is the alternative? You can stop with porn and videogames in exchange for recognition. But that's just another mental drive. There is just no reward, no real reason not to do it. And we humans need a reason for everything we do.

You have to die and you can't escape nor live without the system. There can't be a purpose in your life, because life has no meaning. Whatever you do is without any significance. You are a pitiable creature.

I really would like to offer you a solution or some kind of solace, but I think there is none. At least not for me. I just ask myself how to make the best of it. I have thought about suicide, but it just seems like a waste of opportunities, since I will die eventually anyway.

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