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The Warrior's Infinite Opus


Schwing
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154 days journalling

Days porn free: 9

Nailed down 2 more maths papers today! Some good old fashioned death metal got me through. Worked out and took a cold shower. Noticed my muscles have gotten bigger. I can also do more reps and longer times on exercises. Nice to see some results. Last night i couldn't sleep for shit! I think my underwear was too tight on my balls or something. No idea. Managed to get some shit done on the comic page. Slaying those nofap urges. Not masturbating either

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Last night i couldn't sleep for shit! I think my underwear was too tight on my balls or something.

LMFAO. Dude, I couldn't sleep either man, I think it's the weather, something is all fucky here!! I woke up with a twisted neck and today I felt like a zombie.

PS: My balls were good though, check my Instagram:

Joking, I'm joking!! I don't even got that App.

Edited by destoroyah
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154 days journalling

Days porn free: 9

Awesome day! Got up at 6:30 and studied a fuck ton. Watched a bit of ghost in the shell 2.

Went out for a run. Moved further down the stream in the forest to meditate. I like to try and cover my tracks as  a much as possible. Just for fun! There these weird worm things all over the rocks! Yuck! I wonder if they're edible?

Headed back home and my left hamstring started to hurt. My feet just felt weird - like they didn't belong in my shoes. Everything felt wrong! So i kicked off my shoes and socks and ran the last mile back barefoot on the asphalt. FELT SO GOOD!!!!! My speed picked up and running felt easier. Much more spring in my step. Landing on my toes with legs beneath me. Then came back and took a cold shower going brbrghghhbrvvbhvbrghghgbrbhghgrbrb in the stream. The way forward is backwards! Hail the glorious ape man! He is by nature's design and lives as nature intended!

And then i studied some more. So much for ape man. Read some of the physics book. Was marginally more understandable this time. Still fucking boring!

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156 days journalling

Days porn free: 11

today didn't feel like the most productive day. But i still got shit done. I hate typing on my fucking phone! GAH!!!

So today I had a bit of reflection on my decision to quit gaming. I don't see any reason to return. Gaming was like an all inclusive holiday and what i am doing now is like hitchhiking across the globe. Because i quit i was able to do other things. Cultivate neglected skills. I am grateful for the opportunity to do that. I don't need games anymore. In games i wanted to be that guy. That awesome guy that can do all kinds of cool shit. But i can do that in real life. The thing is though i have still developed escapist habits in other mediums. But i am content with them. Reading fiction and making comics is new. It's different. I have gamed enough. Time has come  to close the chapter and begin a new volume!

The problem is though. I think my head my be too in the clouds still. With games i fantasised about all the cool shit i could do. And now i do that in real life. The question is: is this healthy? Am i just kidding myself? I want to start doing fucking martial arts all of a sudden now. Sometimes i think i am expanding my repertoire too much. Like it's just an image for me. A tool to keep my ego in check. I'm afraid if i drop anything i lose what defines me. I'm looking at my life just like i was looking at those cartoon characters.

 

 

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157 days journalling

Days porn free: 12

Been digging potato trenches today! Good workout. My mum is mad on gardening and she had a foot operation so she can't do much physical stuff. So she had me digging. Today I didn't eat so healthy. But I don't really care. We all have those days.

I was walking around in town a bit today. Deposited some money in the bank, bought some cheap sketch pads, got a haircut. Noticed the way I spoke and felt was different. I had a deeper voice, I was super relaxed, super confident. I spoke with few words, and I felt a strange clarity in the tone of my voice. Super grounded. Super chill. When I look in the mirror now I also see something different. Stronger facial features. Penetrating gaze. The whole aura is different. Like a well of strength. Maybe I'm just imagining things. Maybe it's just my ego. But I feel different. I see difference. I'm back at school next week. Let's see how I fare.

Gonna read the necronomicon now and then go to bed! Hail Cthulhu!

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159 days journalling

Days porn free: 14

You try get over you gonna go under!
Woah! 2 weeks nofap- no wanking no porn. Easy! Looked at some boobs today! Felt different. "Yea that's a pair of tits. Nice pair; don't care." Happy that my view of women has shifted. I wasn't happy being a degenerate bitch. Getting closer to what I really want: an actual relationship! No 2D slags! I was at the forest stream today. Sat on a rock in the sun. Thought about sharing this place with future girlfriends. That would be nice. Thought about carrying them over the stream. Lying on the verge with them. Haha! Looks like I'm the helpless romantic type after all. I'm glad of it though. Better than fucking porn. Better than that disgusting shit I gave myself to. I just want to cuddle man! I just want to have a good fuck! I just want to talk!
Went for another barefoot run! Nice!
Was in a day dreamy mood today didn't get much studying done. When I'm in this mood I just say "fuck studying" because I know I won't get anywhere. Thought about some kid at school. He's one of these friends I have. Relics from my gaming days. They don't have much personality- they just meme away and try to mask their void. To find security in memes. They don't need a sense of humour. They just need to spew memes- everyone loves memes! I think he is suicidal and depressed. I will say something to him one day in person. I'll try and corner him so he doesn't fall back on his memes. Then i'll let him do his thing. Whatever he does is whatever he does. I think he needs something in his life. A nudge. Something to reach into his shell and prod him.
Drew some shit today. Just pencils now but I'm practising my settings.
[IMG] 
An assassin in wait for his quarry- gamma sector 2b has a deadly criminal underground!

 

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Damn I couldn't sleep for shit last night! Sucked. I was lying there daydreaming for 6 hours! Crazy! At about 4 am I said "Fuck this!" and looked at archived suicide notes on my phone. No idea why. Very touching. So I eventually hit the bunk a short time after 5 am. And now I'm awake and it's 12:14 pm and I feel like I haven't slept at all! FUCK! I wasn't even wearing the underwear that was tight on my bollocks!

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160 days journalling
Days porn free: 15


Dope shit!
Today I woke up and felt like SHIT! Last night i didn't sleep well at all. Cooked some fancy pasta stuff for lunch and read some vagabond! very nice. I hope takezo gets with otsu. I'm rooting for you my boi!
Damn another day dreamy day. Tried studying. Failed. I tried pretty damn hard though! I held my shit together well today. I have made a principle: every day has karma. One tiny action or inaction will snowball and have consequences. So I took my cold shower and did my rowing even though I didn't feel like it. Feel better now.
Been thinking of doing a gap year before uni and going to volunteer for the american himalayan foundation. Would be a great experience for me. To be with my own people (half that is hehe. the joys of being mixed race...) and to learn of my lost heritage. And make a difference too. Grow and become strong. Strength! That is the prime virtue of a man.
Also been thinking some more (suprise suprise...) about my destiny. Ever since I was a kid I've had this intrinsic trait that I can't attribute to anything with assurance. I have always wanted more. Always sought for something away from the rest of the flock. I've always done retarded shit and not cared. Like I didn't feel a sense of belonging in going through the motions. It's hard to describe. Just this energy. Who knows. Perhaps just my ego making shit up. But it's there for sure. Like I have been wired to do something in this world that others can't. A key to a gateway.
I can say that I believe in god now. God is the essence of the universe. The inexplicable nature of existence. The fundamental law of chaos intertwining every individual atom with one another to create the ebb and flow of time. The one truth that lies beyond our human perception of truth; beyond abstractions of science; beyond workings of philosophy; beyond the mythos of religion. It does not exist but it is still something. Like how the number 1 has quantity. And the number 0 has no quantity. Zero has nothing but would you say zero does not exist? Being could be the absence of nothingness.
Anyway. Now all that shit's out of the way. I'd like to wish you all a happy monday! Good night!
[IMG]
Don't worry takezo! You will find your purpose eventually! The universe shall unfold!

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161 days journalling
Days porn free: 16

Drop! Ouuuut of life! With booooooonng iiiiiinnnn haaaaaand!

Tomorrow I have to go to school. Fuck. Holidays are OVER! But these three weeks were eventful to me on a personal level. I can't boast any standardised achievements. I don't agree with that shit. Achievement is subjective to the achiever. Who gives a shit about grade 6 piano? Who cares about black belt karate? Fuck the system!
Realised I had to do 2 maths papers for tomorrow! SHIT! Got them done but I have no time to work out tonight...that means...WORKOUT AT 6am SHARP! Gnaaarly duude!
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I'll have to ask the school gym teacher guy to sort me out with some barbells.
Gonna keep my hair short! My hair is so thick it looks like shit at anything in between super short and full on flowing luscious metalhead locks of death! As I do not want to look like a jew at Auschwitz I am going to stay away from the buzzcuts.
Anyways, I'm going to take a cold shower and read a bit. See you on the other side!

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162 days journalling
Days porn free: 17




Fucking thrash!

Woah! Today was awesome! I was like a beast at school. I couldn't have given a fuck! Worked out at 6 am and took a cold shower. Ate some porridge and went to school while my stepdad blasted black sabbath in the car! Sick!

At school I could talk to anyone. No social anxiety. Nothing. Just chill. Void. Seems like I have truly embodied a lot of my life principles. I'm going to a martial arts trial day on june 5th. Looks like the best gym ever! I'll ask the fitness guy at school about barbells tomorrow. Dumbfuck metalhead weeb nerd in the weights room at school. Woah that should turn some heads!

Super productive too. Bashed out a maths paper in the lesson. Got a bit of computing done/ physics when I got back home.

Although I feel great I am still lonely whenever I am at school. It's fine when I'm back home. I get to talk to my internet friends (hah gay!). But at school I don't fit in anywhere. Too cool to be a nerd; too nerdy to be cool. Everyone is very clingy to their own social groupings. I don't care. I want to talk to everyone. But everyone doesn't want to talk to me so it makes me feel awkward. But I must always remember: "Fuck you! I am me! I have definition and you can't change that!"

I was ruminating on destiny the other day. Destiny is real. I feel it. In this world we as human beings are defined not by conceptions of our minds but in the reality of our soul. Our soul is who we are- our definition. Your soul is an aggregation of psychological traits which determine your destinations. As are your circumstances. Our soul, predefined by genetics, is also shaped by our circumstances in its never ending evolution.

Compare it to stick floating down a river. If I threw one big fat stick in the river; where it ended up would be dependent on the flow of the river at that time (time and space- circumstance). However if I threw a little stick in right at the same instance it wouldn't end up in the same place because it has different form (soul). By enriching the form; by embodying the soul you become the true master of your fate. But to master your fate is to not necessarily control it with your mind. The mind can only seek to enrich the soul and allow it to lead the way. That is destiny.

Teenage girly journal entry over! You are dismissed! 'til next time!

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The demon within. It lies at the roots of the tree that sprouts the fruits of takezo's destiny!

Edited by Schwing
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Something's got to give

Day 163 - Solitude

I have decided to take a new approach to journaling. Each post is here because I feel like it. Not because I am about to go to bed five minutes later. I will try and vent more into my posts. Through my experience I hope others can find value; I want to bare my soul so that the emotion and thoughts intertwined with each other can reach others!

Energy this morning was drained. Found solace in my manga, metal, coffee and biscuits! Cheers to the black dahlia murder for their heartfelt melody! I drained all my psychological energy I had accumulated over the holidays yesterday. Almost bunked off cold shower this morning. I have to keep going. I find talking to people helps. I'm good at talking to people I know. But I don't want to. I don't like to cling to others. It makes me feel weak. That's the problem with being stronger than before. It goes to your head. Your ego speaks a different tongue. Sometimes you forget not to listen to its babbling.

Looks like we have a new couple at school! I'll admit she was one of these girls that I am checking out all the time. I do that a lot. I see a girl. "Oh she's cute..." Then I fantasise about being with them. It's my way of coping with the loneliness. No one to hug, kiss cuddle. I lust intensely for this intimacy. The thing is I don't care- I'm not jealous. Not them. Only other couples at school. The guy she's with- total fucktard! None of the guys like him. I personally have nothing against him- not my type of person is all. It made me think: I could do it. I could find someone. It made me happy. Seeing that they were happy. But then I thought this: everyone has different dimensions to themselves. He was weak that he could not earn the approval of his male peers. But he was strong that he was able to approach girls and satisfy them. Perhaps for me it's sort of the other way round. Perhaps my dimensions dictate that women will not cross my path often as of now at least. These dimensions; this form; this soul; this destiny. It is our definition. Judge no one by their image. For you only need to turn them on their side and you are able to see another plane. A jagged stone without beauty nor hideousness. Constantly whittled in the sea of time.

I have noticed something about my behaviour as of late in particular. I have been mimicking @destoroyah instinctively. I believe this is because of a tribal genetic trait. I respect him immensely therefore I naturally mimic him to try and earn his approval as the gene says "he's the alpha! copy him!". I don't do it on purpose. It just happens naturally. I wonder if people do this with me? Perhaps.

We discussed the philosophy of physics in class today. I had a bunch of deep shit I could have said but I held my tongue. I wonder what people think of me outside of here? Probably just some kid. Some dumb edgy kid. Or I wonder- do they see something? Do they look into my eyes and see something and wonder: "what is he thinking? what is he doing?" What do I mean to others?

Fired off an email to gym guy. This should be an experience. I would be turning people's preconceived images of myself on their heads walking into that gym. It will be a lesson for me to learn.

It's spring and I am still wearing a black woolly trenchcoat! Edgy as fuck! I'll leave it at home. Too hot. Adieu, mon amis!

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So I have noticed, it is a responsibility I am not worthy of. You are mimicking a vision that you have created. I'm not as great as you imagine. People need idols and scapegoats sometimes, fathers, mothers. Create ghosts, spirits, totems and illusions. Carrots on a stick, once you reach 'em you realize that carrots taste like shit, but they keep you moving. Coping with changes. It's a motor to keep you running. It works for a while, until you can generate energy by yourself. Take me. Take some movie character, a celebrity, an animal – it doesn't matter. In the end, it is you who defined it. Who put worth into it. Who made it work. You are not mimicking me, you are mimicking a future self called destoroyah. Take whats of use from me, and keep moving until you work yourself. And you will.

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I wondered if you had noticed! I thought I might as well be open about it.

Truth! I draw inspiration from everything. Comics, books, articles and most of all people. To build something I hope for deep down inside. Something deep within me yet to be unearthed which resonates with the image that is destoroyah. Thank you for sticking around. I believe what image you project is essential to my development.

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A post I made on nofap in response to a friend! I thought it might be of value to people here.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! An argument! It's been too long! I am not laughing at you! Nor your argument! Just this tingly feeling I get inside me when someone challenges my views. I apologise in advance if I argue over some trivial thing that your didn't intend as argument. I'm in the zone now!

Hardboiled24 said: 
In terms of friends, it's quite convenient to have them. I never become friends with someone who won't be useful to me. All of my friends are either as smart as me, smarter, or go to the gym on a regular basis (They can spot me for my personal maxes). Making friends is just building rapport, mutually doing favors for each other, and waiting a matter of time. Oh yeah, and also not being someone who would make the potential friend look worse in the eyes of your peers.

Friends. Friend is a label! The definition of friend is subjective to the individual. People go throughout their life with all sorts of different levels of friend. Say, I consider you my friend. Perhaps you feel the same since I speculate I am at least a small amount of use to you. But, friend, when you go to school how do you behave? When someone says- "hey man can I see your history coursework?"; "hi. how was your holiday?" ; "hey! you're that kid that screamed his balls of in the school corridor! that was fucking mental! what was the crack with that?". Do you say: "judging by my current perception of you; you are of no use to me. you are dismissed". 
When I said "hey nice muscles mate!" a few days ago how did you feel? These people. These actions of connection. They all do something for us. They quell the fundamental social emotion that lurks in the depths of our souls: loneliness. Friendship entails this. You see the world through your soul no matter how hard you try. You feel your experiences. You feel your drive to live and breath and laugh and cry. You do not think. The mind is a tool. You are not a robot. Friend is a label! A label for the source of positive emotional strength that we all strive for in this world! I have many friends. I do favours for people if I feel like it. That is the only way to be content with others.
I feel lonely because I don't have what I lust for most: a woman. A companion. Or just a living breathing human being to relate to. Emotions take value first for me. Not objects.

Hardboiled24 said: 
Hmm. Is there a destiny? Fuck that concept, I'll force the future to bend to my liking with my own two hands. Any time I hear someone tell me they believe in destiny I slap them and tell them it was fate haha. They can't say that it was my fault if they truly believe it, can they?
Believing in destiny is not taking responsibility for your actions, and refusing to take credit for your achievements. It's saying that external circumstances made things the way they are. You say that enriching your soul is the only way to improve your destiny, but that's contradictory to what belief in fate is. Belief in destiny means that you were born a certain way, and that from the moment you're born you can do nothing to change your fate, whether it be to enrich your soul or mind or whatever.
Belief in fate is resignation of freedom of choice.
Click to expand...

Hahahaha! This is what hit me the most. I am sure there is something I can take away from this. Thank you. Forgive me if what I say comes across as esoteric bullshit. I speak in abstractions.
I believe the soul is a template to be built upon. And that it has a set essence (genetics)- a core. A core that is enriched in every outcome of circumstance you enter guided by it; trusting it. A core with other aspects of your soul encircling it in orbit. They may be displaced and give way to other aspects. They may stay true. They are subject to the throes of chaos in circumstance. I believe every single circumstances' being takes root in the outcome of previous circumstances; the fate of every object is interwoven to form the system of chaos.
Free will. Yes. You have free will most certainly. I could decide I wanted to be an investment banker right now! Right here! That would be an action of my mind. But do I want that. Does my soul want that? No. Do I know exactly what I want? Can my mind fathom the depths of my soul? No. Listen to what energies transpire from your gut (core) and you will embrace destiny.
I take full responsibility for my actions because my soul's core is a fundamental part of me. I enrich my soul's core by listening to my soul's whispers and therefore aligning the temporary orbital aspects with it's essence. This is done by engaging in relevant circumstance through trusting your gut.
Fate is an idea. Fate is my idea; and also yours. Be attached to no definition.

Hardboiled24 said: 
Is there a God? I refuse to come to a definite conclusion until I move out of my house. My parents are devout Christians, I don't want to spend any more time with the bible than I have to at this point. Well, my father is a devout Christian, my mother says she is, but she only talks the talk, she doesn't walk the walk. I don't respect that.

Forced scripture readings every night kind of turn me away from wanting to investigate into religion on my own. They waste quite a bit of my time. Becoming a christian would have my parents make me attend to other christian responsibilities, not a favourable option in my opinion.
Click to expand...

Truth! It is good you are wary of such things. Stay true to yourself and (it may be hard- i understand) but feel free to delve into what christianity has to offer. Don't be attached- that is what your parents do wrong.
Religion is not synonymous with spirituality. Religion is the packaging, labeling and centralising of spirituality. I see god as a concept. The unfathomable. The essence of our human limitation; the stability of immortality; the constant.

Do not feel I aim to belittle you in any way. I have immense respect for you.

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Love. Hate. Pleasure. Pain. Powerful emotions that make up our whole. To embody all is to find true strength. For when you know the darkness you may know light.

Day 165 - The Whole

Ah shit. Another stressful school day. Bashed out all my coursework! DONE. Printed that shit off. Today I mastered the decaff express-choc coffee. We have a coffee machine at school I usually get coffee from for my ritual (which was disrupted yesterday by a fire alarm- GAH!!!) that entails reading comic books, listening to metal, eating biscuits and drinking chocolate infused coffee! To keep what few shreds of sanity I have in check you see!

  1. Stick the cup in the machine
  2. Press chocolate and take it out before the machine pours water in
  3. Take the cup to the kitchen and throw a sachet of decaff in there then top up to nearly full with hot water
  4. Stir then add milk.
  5. Enjoy your pitiful weeb nerd metalhead life!

Note: Take jacket off, roll sleeves up and sit like a buddhist monk on the chair for added effect

So I managed to get myself back to fucktard land today. The school system had been getting to me all week. No exercise. No books. No art. Just the ritual. So I slayed my workout and went full retard! Shaking myself and grunting to some converge, testament and slayer (for added slaying effect you see- FUCKIN' SLAYER!!!). Stepped up the bench press to 10kg each dumbbell. Toned down the overhead press to 20 reps each set. I also got inducted at my school gym yesterday. So I'll go down and see if I like it. Probably wont. Probably full of dumbfuck popular kids that don't actually do anything! Shit!

Then I went for the usual run to fucktard city (aka. a forest that I think somebody owns and I shouldn't be dicking about in but who cares!). This time in the field I went apeshit! I threw my maiden shirt out in front of me and screamed, "YEAAAAAAAAAAAHAhaGhAGHGaooHGbBRgrhrgrhrgrhgrhrgrbGHRhRbRHg........WOOT", and bolted it to the edge of the field. Walked down to the very end of the stream. Not too interesting though. There is a big rock that looks like good shelter down there. There's a lot you can learn just pissing about in the forest. Adults think it's just for kids and retards like me but it's actually very interesting. I saw my tracks from a week ago. Now I know what human tracks look like after a week. Dope!

As I was meditating on fucktard rock I began to muse and pensively think about my life as per usual. I was thinking about the future. My purpose. In life we have the system and we have our passion. Suffering and pleasure. But from both comes good and bad. Jesus said: "Give Caesar what is his and give me what is mine". That middle eastern desert magician knew his shit! Give the system what it requires of you. Good will come of it and bad with come of it. Give your passion what it requires. Same thing. Both need equal attention. The whole must be respected. Use what is laid before you and use it wisely. Do not shy away from things based off preconceived images. Your anathema can be your salvation. "Fuck the system"? Sure. But the system is just the system. Pleasure mixed with pain. Both the same. Just energy.

Saw a twig hanging from a spiders web and fluttering about in the wind over the undergrowth. Thought: "hey man you should totally think of some dope as fuck buddhist zen monk old wise man shit that'd be fucking gnarly duuuude! totally rad!". So I sat there and after a good 30 seconds of intense drooling I came up with this.

The twig hangs in the web. It traps it. It causes pain to separate it from the beautiful undergrowth where it belongs. The winds move it. It lets it dance gracefully over it's home. It could knock it off anytime and let it drop. But if it dropped it would merely rot away and be lost in the multitude of vegetation. At least hanging there it can have pride to be above the other twigs. To have security in the web. But the twig remains still. It flutters but never falls. However, one day it will fall. So it flutters while it can and fears not it's demise.

Life is life. You're not superman. Your not a machine. You are you and as long as you are you you embody all that is what you feel truth in. Be not led astray by the mind or the soul. The two work in unison. As the whole. Be ambitious in your exploits! But, always remember why you are alive. For the detours on your grand journey. Be grateful. To just live and experience. That is the purest form of living.

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Oh and yea new berserk chapter! Dope as fuck! Coffee + skeletonwitch + new berserk chapter = orgasm

Edited by Schwing
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Day 167 - Fuck Fuck Fuck

Damn! All day yesterday. All I could think about was fucking sex! Been one horny motherfucker lately.

This morning I dreamed about watching porn and I had the first wet dream ever! Woke up to myself spaffing my pants. Fucking weird feeling.

That's all I have to say really!

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Day 168 - Drain
The coffee machine ran out of chocolate! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooOOoOooooo!!!
Today I decided to give the school gym a try. Went in just after school. Totally empty! So I blasted some testament in the speaker in there and it was GLORIOUS! For about 20 minutes that is...
A horde of 7 or 8 fuckbois from the year below me came in and started playing trap mixes. Tiny room. The place was so fucking full! People were stepping over my legs and shit while I was doing crunchies. My sets kept getting cut up- it sucked. For some reason the weights there feel lighter than the ones i have at home. So, I stepped up squats and rows to 10kg each hand but couldn't make it past 20 reps. Must be the shape.
Fucked off home halfway through! Not my workout environment. Crappy music, too hot, crammed full of people I hate. I find situations like this just drain my psychological energy. Like dinner parties. I hate those too. Everyone is a little autistic and I am totally fucking autistic when it comes to this shit! Time to save up for a squat rack and a bar!
Earlier today I just got hit by feelings of loneliness. An intense lusting for a woman. Just wanting someone to hold in my arms. Hah! My confidence goes out of the window when it comes to girls though. But, I don't know how long I can keep this shit up! Girls are all I have on my fucking mind my right now!
[IMG] [IMG] 
OtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsuOtsu
Don't worry takezo! I feel exactly the fucking same! But I'm not a cartoon character so I have to actually work for it if I want the poon!

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Day 168 - Purpose

Today something hit me. I have been evaluating myself for a bit and this is what I have concluded:

I've always been darting from hobby to hobby. Never being committed. Naturally videogames were a fit. All you need is a PC and internet connection and you're set for 4 years. But now I've left that behind nothing's changed. I'm still darting from hobby to hobby; fantasising over images of my future self (future character builds) in my hobbies (games). I'm a slave to passion. Slave to my soul leading me in all sorts of directions. I can't knuckle down and say: "This is it and I am doing it and this is my art".

Everybody else seems so sorted out. Like they've got something- an art. Or is this just the image I have of them? What do you guys think about me? Do you see me as some 'jack of all trades master of none' or someone who does something well specifically? I'm just curious. Images in other people's heads don't do enough to define me. In my heart I still feel empty. If I were to seek truth in any form it would not be an external conception of the mind; it would be an intrinsic heartfelt resolve.

But, wait. What I just said there. Shouldn't I place equal value over the heart and the mind? Perhaps my weakness is not in my lack of commitment. Slave to passion. Slave to discipline. What's the difference? Perhaps everything I do is something which defines me. See the whole. See everything in it's entirety. Look with the body, mind and soul and you will see one thing - the universe.

Frustrating myself over my image and what warm feelings it brings. Petty desire. The surface of the soul. Perhaps I should learn to sit back and let the universe flow through the core of my soul. I am whatever I am.

I may not read every book. I may not create the best comic ever. I may not become the best martial artist. I may not be super strong or super fast. I may not be the best climber. I may not be the best singer. I may not be the most hardcore metalhead. I may not have the most successful career in engineering. I may not be the most well traveled person. I may not speak german or tibetan. But at least I am me.

Everything in this life I take on. It is a medium. A medium for my soul's energy to flow into the universe. That is purpose.

Vagabond_v04_c036_096.jpg?token=17e1f64e

"Preoccupied with a single leaf; you shall miss the entire tree. Preoccupied with a single tree; you shall miss the entire forest." - Takuan

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Day 168 - Stop being a bitch

Well fuck! Today I have concluded more stuff about myself. I am not grounded. I've got my head in the clouds and my hands on my bollocks. If I want the best possible quality of life I have to knuckle down and get shit done. What am I going to do? Go through the motions or fuck the system? I'm going to fuck the system! And fuck it good! Really what does passion mean? Is passion rooted in a craft or is passion a broader emotion that all things in one's life there is joy in encompass? I believe it is the latter. I am too attached to my 'hobbies' like they define me. They don't.

I'm not going to be a brain slave. I'm not going to be a soul slave. I will work hard and then take my pay. Art can wait. The necro-fucking-nomicon can wait. Re-reading the entirety of the lord of the rings trilogy can wait. Spending another £100 on CDs and merch can wait. For now I've got martial arts, climbing and my fitness to keep my sanity in check! That's enough. I can't act like I can have everything in life. What do I want in life? I don't know. But I know this: I want to be strong. I am tired of being a sucker. This is my life and I'm going to do something about it. Starting now. Time to stop fiddling with my cock and get my hands in the sweet, sweet pussy of life!

Today I was too passive. Let the world shit on me too much. Felt small. Sucked. But then I came home and worked out and I felt so much more grounded and strong afterwards. Realised I wasted a fuck ton on my dumbbell set. Seriously there is a vast amount of bodyweight exercises I can do right now. Strength is what I lust for. I'm not a pebble in the river. I'm a fucking rock! And a big one! I need to be more stoic. I just spent a long time looking into my career plan of engineering. I don't view working for the system as good or bad. It is just a medium for acquiring what I seek.

Work hard and play harder

  1. Don't buy anything you don't need. Try and get things for as cheap as you can.
  2. If you see value in it; jump right in. Opinions of others do not matter
  3. You must condition yourself to be more assertive
  4. Remember to treat your body, mind and soul with equal value
  5. You must condition yourself to be able to talk to anyone
  6. Think about the delayed gratification of things you do
  7. Once you decide you want to do something remain consistent unless you have a good reason
  8. Think about the utility of the crafts you engage in. "How much value will I get out of this that is applicable to my broader life?". Instant gratification or delayed gratification? Decide and prioritise.
  9. Listen to your heart and let your mind lead the way henceforth. They are tailored to these roles.
  10. Know your weakness and seek to mitigate its effects
  11. Failing to prepare is preparing to fail

When a sailor sets sail to discover uncharted land he knows only that what he seeks lays on the horizon. It is his duty to navigate through whatever perils lay in his path. I have am learned in the discipline of the soul. But I need to learn the discipline of the mind. Let's do this!

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Day 172 - Social Retard

Take this misery, and drown it with my memories
So they can never be found
Follow the river down, to where the waves break


That solo fucking RULES!!! The frontman of the band is some sort of super saiyan. He plays guitar like an absolute beast, sings at the same time, writes awesome lyrics and somehow manages to have otherworldly artistic skills and make all the album art! What the fuck!
Anyway. Yesterday I had a call with my game quitters accountability partner. I'm generally ok in 1 on 1 conversations like that but fuck I went full retard towards the end! I spend so much time with my mouth shut I just had to spew out all the philosophical crap that accumulates in my head! As you have noticed from the title of this post, I am pretty crap socially. Not a people person. For my entire life I've lived seclusively. I have never been the initiator; the leader; the aggressor. I have always taken a passive role. I find because of this I have managed to prosper in the exploring the realms of my own consciousness. But, I have suffered in the regard that I have never been strong enough to get what I want from people. I still feel lonely; I'm still low on the pecking order. Passiveness disregards strength. And strength is what I need to survive in this world. Both physically and spiritually.
I rarely go out to social events. I hate parties. I never go into town and do shit. When I was a kid I had parents to arrange shit for me but now I have to make my own decisions. I don't use social media at all really. I am pretty alienated from the social world and as a result I find it hard to connect with people. When you have nothing to do with them, friendships falter easily. People don't bother asking me to go to stuff with them. They think I'm just a boring guy that sits around at home. I don't think I am boring. Just that other people won't take the time to give me a good look - which is understandable as people tend not to care about other people so much like that.
I'm a quiet guy. Everything I do is quiet. My own thing. I climb mountains and I tell no one. I don't like people intruding on what's meaningful to me for some reason. I am quite selfish. The thing is though I don't want to start going out and doing all the things other people like doing just for the sake of making friends. I'm afraid that I'll just be in the tow of my own needy desires doing dumb shit I don't like with dumb people. I want to do my own thing and find people that like to do that thing too. But, part of me thinks that might not be the case. Part of me thinks I am just selfish and have trouble trusting others. Perhaps this is true. There are plenty of people I have encountered who are like minded but I never sought to enhance my relationship with them. I'm scared of rejection. Scared of being a liability.
Guys my age are the worst for me though. It's not like I'm bent or anything but I'm a pretty sensitive man. I like to bask in the emotional side of things and speak about them. I like to think deep and discuss. I lust for heart to heart connection with others. But no. At school I can't find any male friends for that. It's like we all have this great big egotistical fog looming over our heads so that we can't get a deeper, more sensitive word in edgewise. Banter is good but it gets stale after a time. Perhaps girls are for this sort of thing more? Their crack is shit but they can listen at least! But, girls are off the cards right now. I can't talk to them for shit!
Anyway, I'll try and condense this into some practical tasks which I can use to make myself less of a social outcast. I'll list these in order of difficulty. I'll tackle it like a progression:

Schwing's 10 step cure to social retardation

  1. Say hello to people you usually talk to when you bump into them
  2. Try and initiate conversation by asking random questions and keep it going. Again with familiar people.
  3. Compliment people during conversation if there's something you like about them. Sincerely.
  4. Slip some deeper subject matter into a conversation.
  5. Go out and do something. Places where social interaction is. e.g. school gym, climbing wall
  6. Smile at people
  7. Ask someone you are familiar with if they want to do something. Keep it simple.
  8. Post some shit you did on facebook that you enjoyed. Keep it simple. You don't have to be a social media fuckboi if you don't want to
  9. Repeat 1 to 7 (ex. 5) but with unfamiliar people. Stick to guys for now.
  10. Repeat 1 to 7 (ex. 5) but with girls.
  11. Ask girl on a date

Woah now that was pretty autistic of me! Reminds me of sheldon's flow chart to making friends. HAH! Stu the cockatoo isn't new at the zoo this time though. He's just gotta get his shit together already!

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Here's a response to above post from nofap. Thought it might be helpful!

Schwing said: 
Woah now that was pretty autistic of me! Reminds me of sheldon's flow chart to making friends. HAH! Stu the cockatoo isn't new at the zoo this time though. He's just gotta get his shit together already!
:emoji_laughing::emoji_laughing:

 Just make sure you don't try to pick up a 5 year old at the library 

:emoji_laughing:

 I love that episode! Best show ever! Didn't realise you were the comedy type of person though


 

Schwing said: 
Day 172 - Social Retard

Take this misery, and drown it with my memories
So they can never be found
Follow the river down, to where the waves break


That solo fucking RULES!!! The frontman of the band is some sort of super saiyan. He plays guitar like an absolute beast, sings at the same time, writes awesome lyrics and somehow manages to have otherworldly artistic skills and make all the album art! What the fuck!
Anyway. Yesterday I had a call with my game quitters accountability partner. I'm generally ok in 1 on 1 conversations like that but fuck I went full retard towards the end! I spend so much time with my mouth shut I just had to spew out all the philosophical crap that accumulates in my head! As you have noticed from the title of this post, I am pretty crap socially. Not a people person. For my entire life I've lived seclusively. I have never been the initiator; the leader; the aggressor. I have always taken a passive role. I find because of this I have managed to prosper in the exploring the realms of my own consciousness. But, I have suffered in the regard that I have never been strong enough to get what I want from people. I still feel lonely; I'm still low on the pecking order. Passiveness disregards strength. And strength is what I need to survive in this world. Both physically and spiritually.
I rarely go out to social events. I hate parties. I never go into town and do shit. When I was a kid I had parents to arrange shit for me but now I have to make my own decisions. I don't use social media at all really. I am pretty alienated from the social world and as a result I find it hard to connect with people. When you have nothing to do with them, friendships falter easily. People don't bother asking me to go to stuff with them. They think I'm just a boring guy that sits around at home. I don't think I am boring. Just that other people won't take the time to give me a good look - which is understandable as people tend not to care about other people so much like that.
I'm a quiet guy. Everything I do is quiet. My own thing. I climb mountains and I tell no one. I don't like people intruding on what's meaningful to me for some reason. I am quite selfish. The thing is though I don't want to start going out and doing all the things other people like doing just for the sake of making friends. I'm afraid that I'll just be in the tow of my own needy desires doing dumb shit I don't like with dumb people. I want to do my own thing and find people that like to do that thing too. But, part of me thinks that might not be the case. Part of me thinks I am just selfish and have trouble trusting others. Perhaps this is true. There are plenty of people I have encountered who are like minded but I never sought to enhance my relationship with them. I'm scared of rejection. Scared of being a liability.
Guys my age are the worst for me though. It's not like I'm bent or anything but I'm a pretty sensitive man. I like to bask in the emotional side of things and speak about them. I like to think deep and discuss. I lust for heart to heart connection with others. But no. At school I can't find any male friends for that. It's like we all have this great big egotistical fog looming over our heads so that we can't get a deeper, more sensitive word in edgewise. Banter is good but it gets stale after a time. Perhaps girls are for this sort of thing more? Their crack is shit but they can listen at least! But, girls are off the cards right now. I can't talk to them for shit!
Anyway, I'll try and condense this into some practical tasks which I can use to make myself less of a social outcast. I'll list these in order of difficulty. I'll tackle it like a progression:
Click to expand...

Yeah, I know the feeling. But personally, I'm tired of being the one who always bends to society. Why do we have to be the ones who are awkward? Who dictates normality? Engaging in pointless banter that is neither educational nor barely constructive is downright normal, but engaging in deep debates about life and the world we live in is creepy and weird? Apparently to be considered "normal" you have to have the IQ of a goat. Speak one big word and you're suddenly a condescending bastard who speaks in esoteric tongues. Laziness is promoted and even rewarded in this sick society of ours.



Now, I understand that sometimes it is expedient to blend in. But man, I have tried! Really tried. I did all that stuff on your list. Even went as far as to try and become a dumbass. I remember when I was 14, I got so frustrated at being an outcast that I stopped studying completely (that was when I quit reading novels). My grades plummeted and teachers even asked me what was going on (they thought it was home-related). I was so desperate to be normal. To have what all my friends took for granted. To have a girlfriend, social skills.....to have a life. It worked. I made a lot of friends (some of them were even girls), and my social skills started to develop. People actually liked me, I remember. But even though I had finally achieved that which I had always dreamed of, I felt miserable and out of place. That's when my porn addiction really swung out of control. That period was also the first time I cried....just sat up and cried. I felt like I had sold my soul to be accepted into society. I had given up everything that made me who I was just so I can be like someone else.



It's depressing man, trust me. Sometimes it's better to just embrace who you are. And that means if you like spending time by yourself, reading manga and drinking coffee, then fuck_society if it dares frown upon you. Great man do not become great by trudging along behind the masses. Homo Sapien could have just continued to walk around bent just to feel normal, but where would we be today? In fact, would you even have Takezo and Otsu if the artist had decided to be "normal" and start bowing to social protocols and peer pressure? Something tells me he probably wasn't really one of the "cool kids" in high school. But he embraced that geeky part of him that loved to read comics, and ended up drawing a few himself. Now, how many lives has he impacted? You have to have the courage to challenge the unspoken rules of society, to swim against the current and be yourself. And I know that somewhere out there is a girl who will accept me for who I am. And I know there is one for you as well. And personally, man, I would rather have someone who knows the nerdy goof I am and still likes me. That way, at least I don't have to put up a fucking facade everytime I spend time with her.



Don't try so hard to change yourself. I'm not telling you to stop trying to be more social. Talking to people is an excellent quality. Noone is self-sufficient and sooner or later, you're going to need someone's help. All I am saying is that you shouldn't 

try

. Just act natural. If sitting quietly in the corner and blasting metal on your headphones feels natural, then don't force yourself to do anything other than that. Being quiet does not mean you're an ostracist. It just means you don't have anything in common with anyone around you at that time. Don't force yourself to go talk to someone you have nothing in common with, and end up having a long and boring conversation.



And dude, look around. How many people on this website alone (in fact, in our little network of teenagers) do you have a lot in common with? I like reading, philosophy and also have a thing for isolation. 

@Hardboiled24

 even likes manga and martial arts just like you. Talking to us, you don't have to suppress the real you. You can talk about philosophical shit and rest assured that we are actually following your line of reasoning, not looking at you like some sort of boring weirdo. Believe it or not, I actually think you're really cool and your philosophical posts are awesome. Don't trade that in just so you can rack up a few more friends who probably just paste a smile when you're around, then talk shit about you when you're not there. I've had those friends. And long story short, I have no friends anymore. Until I meet someone who's into the goofy stuff I am, I will stay like that.



Take a look at The Big Bang Theory for example. Do you think those guys would have coped if they didn't have each other? They suffered through high school and college but remained true to their identities. Then they found each other, creating a little social group where they could be themselves and forget about the frowns they get from society, going to ComicCon, dressing up in nerdy outfits and going to science conventions and symposiums. That's what I want, friends who accept me because they 

are 

like me

 
 
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Day 172 - Habits

So I reasoned with myself a couple of days ago that I should look at porn to see if my brain had fully rewired! HAH! Bullshit. First couple of times it just felt wrong! Saw the guy and was like: "naaaaaah". But I tried it again today. More off a curios impulse. Felt risky so I closed that site! Fucking Phub! If I could nuke the server and assassinate all the shareholders/ ceo/ employees then I would! Anyway. It wasn't too much of a chore to rationalise with myself that I have to subscribe to delayed gratification.

I'm not going to click on porn sites again. Even if I had 'good' intention. Because with every action a potential habit develops if not regulated properly. Every action has a karma so to speak. I was gravitating toward porn I think because deep down my mind is craving sex from all the stress that I've been building up lately. By allowing myself to give in a little it naturally escalated. Good that I was able to stop it. I'm not resetting!

I was talking to @Sarma one day and he mentioned that he was reading a book, The Power of Habit, in which it states habit forming and breaking takes willpower. This led me to realise this: I had struggled trying to form/ break many habits at once to no avail. I have only succeeded in being consistent in a few. Some habit shaping was ailed by stress at the time. If I let too much stress build up I'll break. Got to manage my habit shaping activities and not overwhelm myself. Or I could relapse to porn and that would be a nail in the coffin.

Lately I've been trying to:

  1. Tinker with circuitry more
  2. Socialise more effectively
  3. Not wank
  4. Change workout routine
  5. Study for exams
  6. Adjust sleep cycle

Naturally a little too much stress built up. Let's cut out the least important! That should relieve the pressure enough. I only skimmed the verge of a relapse. When I get my workout routine sorted I'll started playing with circuits again. Here's a really noobish one I made!

5910e810a3e36_IMG_20170507_1840572041.th

Basically- when you ground the capacitor the LED goes off until it charges back up again, flicks on the transistor (or tranny as I like to call them hehehe) and light up the LED again.

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