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The Warrior's Infinite Opus


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Schwing reporting for duty here. Why the cringey topic name you ask? Well I'm naming this journal after the best metal instrumental of all time ever- The Warrior's Infinite Opus by Inferi. This piece means a lot to me and is incredibly inspiring for me. The title and the composition in general I feel is about people who have fought for change in the world and the trillions more to come. I want to make something truly great of my short existence and honour the endurance and determination of those who have done so in the past. I encourage everyone to do so too!

Date: Sat 12/11/2016

Journal day: 1

Detox day: 7

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): Don't fucking remember- maybe 3?

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

07:00

Went to bed at:

02:20 - Got back from work late- started faffing with this journal.

What went well: 

  • High on caffeine at school made me work hard and really confident
  • Got up earlier than I needed to
  • Studied hard when I got home for 2 hours
  • Expanded my artistic skills a lot. Looked up some tutorials on watercolour. Portraits people were doing really inspired me
  • Worked hard at work (wash up at the local pub for 5 hours on a night) got back late and got paid extra and felt really good about it

What didn't go well: 

  • I hat a chat with this fit lass I had never met at work before. Went ok but I just dont think i'm a very chatty person. She asked me if I was sporty and I lied that i went climbing a lot. We also talked about uni and I half dodged some questions about clubbing and partying and shit. I didn't need to lie about that. I hate parties.Love getting pissed but parties suck pretty hard otherwise.
  • My classmates is miles ahead of me at school in my design technology class. Only in the work we are doing in the workshop though.

Physical tasks:

  • Does washing up count lol?

Mental tasks:

  • Art
  • Studying. I spent about an hour designing a chain link. Was challenging and fun.

What I am grateful for:

  • Hair looked sexy af
  • Chef has sick music taste
  • Employers are awesome as is my job in general
  • youtube art tutorials. Seriously i have learnt so much from that site. I wouldn't be the same person i am today without it.
  • Fucking metal. I love blasting it in the morning.
  • My education. I'm lucky to go to private school and I should use it and my own intelligence to it's full potential.

What I have learnt from today:

  • I don't need to lie about myself. I should be proud of who I am. That is what matters to people more than who I am- my sense of pride.
  • I love art! My new passion.
  • Coffee is pretty good. But I'll refrain from drinking it regularly because I get depressed sometimes from it.
  • Who cares if I fail. I just need to succeed. I don't need to compare myself to other people to succeed.

Ideas for tomorrow:

  • Start building a shelf for my room
  • Study for 2 or 3 hours
  • Play drums for 1 hour
  • Practice my metal vocals for 10 mins
  • Practice my art for 2 hours or more.

Notes:

  • If you're wondering why i go to school on saturday morning well that's private school for you
  • I didn't get a chance to start my journal yesterday. Yesterday was really important for me because I got awarded an Arkwright engineering scholarship. You can look it up for further details and I might make a separate post about it. It was a really thought provoking day.

 

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Just a template for future reference please ignore

Date: 

Journal day: 

Detox day: 

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

 

Went to bed at:

 

Positive: 

 

Negative: 

 

Physical tasks:

 

Mental tasks:

 

What I am grateful for:

 

What I have learnt from today:

 

About tomorrow:

 

Notes:

Edited by Schwing
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Date: 13/11/2016

Journal day: 2

Detox day: 8

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 0 bwahahahaha

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

10:00 am (late night)

Went to bed at:

22:50

Positive: 

  • Played drums for 1 hour and I made up some pretty cool beats. I'm making it a habit to build up my muscle on my practice pad so I can play faster.
  • Actually bothered to take a shower on a sunday at home.
  • Cooked some pasta for lunch. Very tasty.
  • Cleaned my room
  • Did metal vocals for an hour. My endurance is getting better. My lows sounded so fucking good today and much clearer and didn't hurt at all. My highs still tickle a littIe though. Found out I'm a tenor.
  • Got my stepdad to help me put up that shelf. We had an old one in the shed that needed shifting. Was a real pain in the arse trying to get the thing on the wall. But I enjoyed it in a way. Very physical. Still need to paint the bloody thing though.
  • I did a bit of studying. Got most of it out of the way though the other day. For my coursework I am designing a bass drum pedal so I spent a bit of time making the parts on CAD software.
  • Got some art done (about 2 hours). I'm really getting into this. It's like I'm looking at all the different art supplies I could buy instead of pc parts and peripherals.

Negative: 

  • I daydreamed for about an hour today! i could have got some studying in there. Daydreaming is a real problem for me especially when I'm in an optimistic mood.
  • Felt a little lost at the end of the day. Like I didn't know what to do and I just wanted to sit there. Then I felt like jerking it. I think jerking it has something to do with my depression. Maybe I was just tired.

Physical tasks:

  • Fixing that shelf to the wall
  • Singing
  • Cooking

Mental tasks:

  • Studying
  • Drums (it's more mental)
  • Art

What I am grateful for:

  • My stepdad being an absolute legend and helping me with that shelf.
  • Metal as always
  • People going out of their way to help others in general. I will do it more often. I was always very cynical about it but I don't think it's so bad now.

What I have learnt from today:

  • I've decided I need to perfect my approach to drawing faces before I can tackle any form of painting. Just dicking about with some pencils can teach me a lot about the proportions, contours and planes of the face.
  • Need to solve my daydreaming problem
  • I have great singing potential
  • I should do more things around the house to keep myself occupied. Perhaps 2 chores a day at weekends.
  •  I really like screaming my tits off to metal. Makes me feel like a beast \m/.
  • I can't bring myself to love anyone. I probably do subconsciously but I feel i can't express any sentimental attachment to anyone. It's scary.

About tomorrow:

  • Just go to school and do your thing
  • I have to teach the year below how to read maps at cadets at school. Gonna be hard considering those little shites will be taking the piss constantly.
  • Go all out in running tomorrow
  • When you get home and study allot 2 or 3 hours no more no less.

Notes:

  •  If you're confused as to what I'm on about when i say metal vocals: imagine punching the cookie monster in the balls and the noise that would make. That's your answer.
  • I jerked it as soon as I woke up. Should i stop? I don't know if it's good or bad or just beneficial not to do it. Don't have a girlfriend though.
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Date: Mon 14/11/2016

Journal day: 3

Detox day: 9

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 1

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

07:20

Went to bed at:

22:50

Significant points about day:

  • Felt very very confident at school today. The way I talked to people was very different. Also people felt very different. I used to have really bad anxiety but now people don't feel like these unapproachable objects as much. I feel more comfortable doing something out of the norm now when everyone is looking.
  • Talked to some girls. Went very well. Just chilled and talked to them like i do to guys. But one of them didn't say anything at all and the other one seemed a little shocked by my offensive humour but not in a really bad way. Should i talk to girls differently? Probably not.
  • Didn't get an awful lot done in the way of studying. Wasn't really daydreaming holding me back but just lack of willpower. Still manage to stay within my 2 hours and do my maths homework.
  • Well i had to teach that lesson I talked about in my last entry. The little fuckers tried sizing me up about 2 seconds into the lesson. I could smell the ego on their breath. Dealt with it well though at first but later on I couldn't think of anything to say back to them when they were chatting shit. Fortunately I had one of my mates to back me up. He was really charismatic and chill and they were all so much more engaged towards him. I got a few things in but I could tell who they respected more. I found I was a lot more thick skinned than usual though. I'll see how I'll handle it next week.
  • Confidence was at a bit of a low when i got back. Got a bit depressed and just mindlessly browsed youtube.
  • Felt better after screaming to some metal. Lets out my negative emotions.
  • Got up too late

Physical tasks:

  • Ran 4 miles

Mental tasks:

  • Studying
  • Art

What I am grateful for:

  • Cadet force for putting me in awkward social situations so I can be more resilient to them.
  • The feeling of running. Feel like an animal or something.
  • Metal. When I am never grateful for the metal? The answer is never.
  • Ride cymbals

What I have learnt from today:

  • I am a skinny fuck. I should maybe look into getting in at the gym
  • Doesn't matter if I'm witty or not if people chat shit at me. They put 0 effort into chatting shit so I should just do the same.
  • I am a blunt, offensive person and I shouldn't give a shit if people don't like it
  • I should scream more often. When I feel bad I shouldn't be afraid to do it.
  • Fuck comparing myself to other people.
  • Negative comments mean nothing. People just like to be negative. People that do that are below me.
  • I shouldn't prey on people with my ego. If I do it a lot then it will backfire. I can benefit more from being nicer to people.

About tomorrow:

  • Climbing- really looking forward to it. I should go down to the wall more often.
  • I'll stay and do some coursework in the workshop.
  • Get up at 06:30

Notes:

Edited by Schwing
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Felt very very confident at school today. The way I talked to people was very different. Also people felt very different. I used to have really bad anxiety but now people don't feel like these unapproachable objects as much. I feel more comfortable doing something out of the norm now when everyone is looking.

Any idea what's helped to improve this?

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I don't really know. I think it's a change on a more subconscious level so it's hard to pin point what triggered it. I think leaving my comfort zone and externalising my internal feelings by means of this journal and other things l have left a mark on  my mind. I think believing in the principles in the "what I have learnt part" on a conscious level has affected me on a subconscious level too.

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Making my entries shorter for convenience

Date: Mon 15/11/2016

Journal day: 4

Detox day: 10

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 1

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

07:00

Went to bed at:

23:30

Summary:

  • Woke up and sung some metal
  • Went to school
  • Did climbing in evening with school club
  • Came home very depressed
  • Snapped out of it very quickly
  • Talked to a friend who is in a similar situation to me
  • Bulldozed through maths homework
  • Did art

Tasks and Achievements:

  • I'm getting better at drawing male faces
  • I'm getting better at climbing but I need to work on my endurance
  • Lot's of studying done. Used time well.

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • Sylosis restocking that tshirt i wanted in their merch store

What I have learnt from today:

  • I fucking hate it when people see there is something up with me and try and talk to me
  • I hate people throwing their ego everywhere and being a dick to try and boost it. Makes me want to smash their face in.
  • I hate not having the balls to smash someone's face in
  • I feel like I should be content with being a loner more rather than vainly seeking out attention when i don't have it. I am sick of cosying up to other people's egos.
  • I shouldn't negatively compare myself to other people no matter what. Or at least I should see them as competition.
  • I am very thick skinned. More than I was before. I should use it to my advantage. My feelings solely come from my perception. Nobody cares about me if they are negative to me- they just care about their ego. I realise this. I am not prey or a predator.

About tomorrow:

  • Running. Go full throttle as always. I'm getting good. tbh i only weigh 8.5 stone.
  • Do my maths homework in lunch break

Notes:

Edited by Schwing
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Date: Wed 16/11/2016

Journal day: 5

Detox day: 11

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 2

SUMMARY OF DAY

Woke up at:

07:20

Went to bed at:

 

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Woke up late. Went to school depressed
  • Got less depressed as day went on and felt quite confident and chatty towards the end.

Tasks and Achievements:

  • Ran a mile in 6 and a half minutes.
  • Lot's of studying done. Used time well.

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • Nothing much

What I have learnt from today:

  • My depression is changing in a way. I don't feel like just sitting there and doing nothing. I just hate everything and get on with my life.
  • I realise the reasons people act the way they do. How different is the adult world to the school environment? Someone please tell me: I need something to look forward to. Or not.

About tomorrow:

  • Lot's of time to study tomorrow. Use it well

Notes:

Edited by Schwing
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Noice

Date: Thur 17/11/2016

Journal day: 6

Detox day: 12

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 1 let's try and not jerk it for a week

Woke up at:

07:20

Went to bed at:

23:45

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Woke up late. Went to school very very depressed.
  • While I was In the car my mum said my step dad was mad at me because of how ungrateful and uncommunicative I am and then she asked me why I was always depressed but I couldn't answer.
  • Stayed depressed for most of the day.
  • I was supposed to go to a meeting for the charity committee but I couldn't be bothered. I don't care about poor people I just care about my resume.
  • When I was in the workshop doing my coursework for DT I fucked up again on a part I had made 4 times before. My classmates actually gave a shit and helped me out a bit. They showed genuine concern. Maybe people aren't so bad after all.
  • Came home very satisfied. Drank a load of coffee and sweated out some more studying.

Tasks and Achievements:

  • Got loads of studying done. Shit loads.
  • Stayed till 6:30 at the school workshop doing coursework
  • My teacher made me write an article for the school magazine about my scholarship. 

What I am grateful for:

  • Technical death metal and coffee. Perfect combination.
  • People going out of their way to help other people

What I have learnt from today:

  • If I have a strong sense of purpose I am a lot lot happier.
  • I don't need to be a miserable little shit all the time. But how?
  • I don't need to be overly extroverted. I am an introvert. I am laid back. Just do what is comfortable.
  • I should help others more just for the sake of it.

About tomorrow:

  • Work tomorrow
  • Step sister and her boyfriend coming round for weekend. I should be nice- or at least try.
  • Maybe I should apologise to my step dad

Notes:

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There could be many reasons for Feeling depressed. Doing things (how hard it seems at the Moment) can help. Also regular exercise and outside can help. Basically internal antidepressants get produced in the sunlight and if you get oyur heartrate up.

Great Job on the consistent journalling btw. The reflecting seems to get you some insights.

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Thanks Work. You are right. Physical work makes me so much happier.

Can you try and get to bed a bit earlier? The extra sleep could help stabilize your mood.

I often can't help it because of studying. But I will keep it in mind.

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Noice

Noicer

Date: Fri 18/11/2016

Journal day: 7

Detox day: 13

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 2 

  1. 100 pushups a day
  2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
  3. You cant wank if you haven't talked to any girls that day
  4. You matter the most.
  5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.

Woke up at:

06:30

Went to bed at:

12:40

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Woke up early and went to school satisfied
  • Big day at school. Got lots done.
  • There is this kid I just want to punch in the face in my class.
  • Came home quite depressed
  • When I got to work I started getting really happy.

Tasks and Achievements:

  • Figured out some measures I should take to improve my life.
  • Studying
  • Didn't punch that kid

What I am grateful for:

  • Fucking metal
  • People going out of their way to help other people
  • My employers
  • My parents
  • My teachers
  • My friends
  • Guitar solos

What I have learnt from today:

  • Set activities to be fulfilled consistently. Structure my life
  • I don't care if people do better than me and are dicks to me. Fuck them. Fuck everyone. I am the best.
  • I am not alone

About tomorrow:

  • Get that paperwork done for your project
  • Still need to talk to step sister and her boyfriend
  • Stay consistent with your goals

Notes:

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Noice

Noicer

Date: Sat 19/11/2016

Journal day: 8

Detox day: 14

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 3

  1. 100 pushups a day
  2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
  3. You cant wank if you haven't talked to any girls that day
  4. You matter the most.
  5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.
  6. Nobody cares about how you act. They only care about their ego. Express yourself!
  7. 5 German words a day
  8. Eat as much as you can whenever you can you skinny little shite :)

Woke up at:

06:30

Went to bed at:

23:15

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • 2 WEEKS DETOX FUCK YES I am 7 45ths through my journey. How big is that fraction? I don't fucking know get a calculator.
  • Woke up early and went to school satisfied
  • I don't care about failure anymore
  • That kid came up to me and was criticising me again and I was like a brick wall. No fucks given.
  • I can tell he's pissing someone else off.
  • Came home and studied a little and read up on some politics. Well anarchy more specifically. Because I am an anarchist.
  • Watched a documentary about my favourite band. I really liked their positive "don't give a fuck but give every fuck you can give" approach to life.
  • Did a load of art. I've pretty much nailed drawing male faces now.
  • Talked to step sister and boyfriend at dinner. Not much though. I just cracked a few sarky jokes here and there like I always do. I'm happy being like that.

Tasks and Achievements:

  • 100 pushups.
  • Woke up early
  • Art

What I am grateful for:

  • Fucking metal
  • People going out of their way to help other people
  • FUCKING EVERYONE!!!
  • Guitar solos
  • That documentary
  • THIS SITE AND EVERY MOTHERFUCKER ON IT
  • My new band shirt that came in the post the other day

What I have learnt from today:

  • I don't have to return negativity with negativity. I only see the world through my own eyes- my perception is everything. If I can withstand negativity then I don't need to lash out at people and most of all it means can withstand anything. Also returning negativity only means I let them win. It is a sign of weakness not strength. There is more strength in being a fortress to their shit and keeping it together. I can do that. 
  • I don't think I actually feel that passionate about being an engineer when I'm older
  • I really want to start playing bass

About tomorrow:

  • Get that paperwork done for your project- didn't do any of it today
  • Going into school tomorrow for a BTEC lesson. Fucking slay hard like you always do.
  • Stay consistent with your goals
  • Talk to some girls!
  • Express yourself with no regrets! Embarrassment is bullshit!

Notes:

Edited by Schwing
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Seriously, why do you want to "wank"?

Do you think it's ok?

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

I think it is fine. The only reason I jerk it is because I'm bored. It's a great way to release sexual tension especially considering I don't have a girl.

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Noice

Noicer

Date: Sun 20/11/2016

Journal day: 9

Detox day: 15

Days since I last wanked ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 4

  1. 100 pushups a day
  2. Get up at 6:30 every day apart from sundays
  3. You cant wank if you haven't talked to any girls that day
  4. You matter the most.
  5. Negativity is there because you feel negative. The world is not against you.
  6. Nobody cares about how you act. They only care about their ego. Express yourself!
  7. 5 German words a day
  8. Eat as much as you can whenever you can you skinny little shite :)

Woke up at:

06:30

Went to bed at:

23:15

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Keeping consistent with getting up in the morning.
  • Did BTEC exam at school. There were two girls there i could have talked to but I didn't!
  • Watched that new harry potter movie. Good movie. Gave me a little inspiration for my book.
  • Step sister and her boyfriend are like fucking children. I don't want to end up like that.
  • Talked to my danish friend I met on steam. He is my only true friend who looks out for me. I look out for him too. I sucks I don't have any true friends at school. Very lonely.

Tasks and Achievements:

  • 100 pushups.
  • Woke up early
  • Drew up plan for how I should approach my DT project
  • Finished BTEC at school
  • Finished physics homework
  • Practised hand speed for drumming

What I am grateful for:

  • Fucking metal
  • My mighty Scandinavian brother

What I have learnt from today:

  • I don't care if I'm not on top of a social situation. I like to operate from the sidelines.
  • I do actually feel passionate about being an engineer when I'm older!
  • I really REALLY want to start playing bass
  • My danish friend says I should make an effort to look approachable and happy

About tomorrow:

  • Do what you need to do according to your plan for project
  • Need to teach year 11s another lesson at cadets. Gonna nail it.
  • Stay consistent with your goals
  • Talk to some girls already!
  • SMILE YOU FUCK!
  • Go full sonic the hedgehog in running

Notes:

Edited by Schwing
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