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The Warrior's Infinite Opus

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Posted (edited)

Schwing, I added you on Duolingo! Maybe you'll make me using this website again! :)

I really like your drawings and sketches. That's how you're making progress right now.

But how about expanding your comfort zone? Are you still taking actions that makes you more confident?

That's important to do one day a the time, because you'll feel regression otherwise.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

Hi!

That's not me! Shit! I just checked my name is actually Schwing3

It's the holidays so I don't have much opportunity to go out and expand it. But the other day I ran through a field screaming as loudly as I could.

Edited by Schwing

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Read a fair bit of your journal and it's awesome how much you've progressed! I'm glad to see many people have gone through what I'm about to do now and it's worked out well. What's the hardest thing you've had to deal with through all of this in-case I have to deal with it.

Hi! Yes old journal me was a very different person.

For me, I would say it's not giving a fuck! In life you have to accept there are some things you cannot change. That your suffering is intertwined with your pleasures. Life is handed to you on big platter so you better eat up and then lick it clean - gristle and all. At first I was always self conscious and weighed down by my past actions which resulted in low mood and self esteem. The trick is not to care. To live every moment with a smile on your face because you know you are alive and you can do awesome things! To free your soul and let it run free as a child would. And that is quite hard at first because we have been conditioned to shut up and act 'sophisticated' from the very start. But when you do you feel like a lion amongst sheep. A very crazy lion. I struggled with finding my purpose. But your purpose isn't something confined to discrete material things. It's something you feel. I think my purpose is to act as a channel for all the beauty of the universe to act through. Hence, I must liberate my mind from the arbitrary constructs that we create as humans.

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Read a fair bit of your journal and it's awesome how much you've progressed! I'm glad to see many people have gone through what I'm about to do now and it's worked out well. What's the hardest thing you've had to deal with through all of this in-case I have to deal with it.

Hi! Yes old journal me was a very different person.

For me, I would say it's not giving a fuck! In life you have to accept there are some things you cannot change. That your suffering is intertwined with your pleasures. Life is handed to you on big platter so you better eat up and then lick it clean - gristle and all. At first I was always self conscious and weighed down by my past actions which resulted in low mood and self esteem. The trick is not to care. To live every moment with a smile on your face because you know you are alive and you can do awesome things! To free your soul and let it run free as a child would. And that is quite hard at first because we have been conditioned to shut up and act 'sophisticated' from the very start. But when you do you feel like a lion amongst sheep. A very crazy lion. I struggled with finding my purpose. But your purpose isn't something confined to discrete material things. It's something you feel. I think my purpose is to act as a channel for all the beauty of the universe to act through. Hence, I must liberate my mind from the arbitrary constructs that we create as humans.

That's an awesome way to put it, but yeah it's where I want to move to, not giving 2 shits about anything and just loving what I have and who I am. What I'm trying to do is not going to be easy for me I know that for sure but being happy not matter is something I dream I will achieve :) Letting myself out and not hiding it is something I'm gonna do, I think if this is the only thing I achieve I will be so much better off, no hidden secrets or shyness don't give a fuck what people think about as you being happy is the most important thing of all (not in a selfish way though) :P

 

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So I didn't post yesterday because I went to see a movie and got back late. Ghost in the shell! I enjoyed it! Scarlet johansson has a nice arse! But in all seriousness I think they managed to translate the essence of the original movie into a hollywood action style viewer friendly format quite well. Stunning visuals throughout too. Very interesting to look at.

So yesterday I studied, got bored, worked out and made a comic page. That's about it really.

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152 days journalling

Days porn free: 7

Got up late today! Shit I keep doing that for some reason! Cooked a HUGE lunch today. There's a guy in my village who keeps sheep and one hung itself on a kiddies rope swing so he butchered it and gave us some meat! Made a nice roast dinner. Smelt like poop though. Maybe it shat itself when it was dying? Spoooookkyy! Listened to some warhammer 40k audio book. Fucking hard to follow when you don't know shit about warhammer! But intriguing! Then I did rowing machine and watched the original ghost in the shell movie. Again, REALLY FUCKING HARD TO FOLLOW. But I enjoyed it the same. Addresses many aspects of life in the same movie. What do we define as identity when we ourselves are organisms constantly changing cell by cell, thought by thought every single day? Isn't this our sole purpose: to evolve and survive? So why do we cling to what we perceive to be our own individuality when we are simply a component in a great seething mass of a greater the mechanism of our species, and that this uniqueness we exhibit is a mere variation for the sake of survival of the species as a whole. Aren't we humans simple constructs made to evolve as is technology is? Perhaps the essence of humanity is the denial of this machine like behaviour.

Drew a bit, and now I'm going to bed. 

IMG_20170416_220740656.thumb.jpg.0f333bd

Nothing like a good takeaway whilst deflaking a mech suit! Better wash your hands first though. Don't want motor oil in your noodles.

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Posted (edited)

153 days journalling

Days porn free: 8

Studied a fuck ton today! I have been neglecting it quite a bit. I hate studying. "Here kid, learn this crap you will forget immediately after you leave school that is unapplicable to whatever job you're going to do anyway later in life. But you need it for these little arbitrary symbols called grades so you can slap it on a piece of paper and get into a good university! Trust me, you need to learn how to integrate y to infinity and find the half life of a protactinium sample. It's those symbols! You need them! Regurgitation is salvation!". There's a world of difference between being academic and skillful. Academic is the being able to compute. Skillful is being able to create.

Read some spawn. Went out for a run. Ran through a field and screamed: "YEAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!! WOOT!!!!" as loudly as possibly. Went to the same old stream and meditated for a while. Forest has a different vibe when it's been raining. More earthy; darker with deeper greens. Going to read a book and go to bed now. Byeeeeeeee.

Edited by Schwing

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154 days journalling

Days porn free: 9

Nailed down 2 more maths papers today! Some good old fashioned death metal got me through. Worked out and took a cold shower. Noticed my muscles have gotten bigger. I can also do more reps and longer times on exercises. Nice to see some results. Last night i couldn't sleep for shit! I think my underwear was too tight on my balls or something. No idea. Managed to get some shit done on the comic page. Slaying those nofap urges. Not masturbating either

proto8_by_vaeldus-db5xc3v.jpg

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Posted (edited)

Last night i couldn't sleep for shit! I think my underwear was too tight on my balls or something.

LMFAO. Dude, I couldn't sleep either man, I think it's the weather, something is all fucky here!! I woke up with a twisted neck and today I felt like a zombie.

PS: My balls were good though, check my Instagram:

Joking, I'm joking!! I don't even got that App.

Edited by destoroyah
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Haha. Who even uses that shit anyway? Never mind posting pictures of your balls.

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154 days journalling

Days porn free: 9

Awesome day! Got up at 6:30 and studied a fuck ton. Watched a bit of ghost in the shell 2.

Went out for a run. Moved further down the stream in the forest to meditate. I like to try and cover my tracks as  a much as possible. Just for fun! There these weird worm things all over the rocks! Yuck! I wonder if they're edible?

Headed back home and my left hamstring started to hurt. My feet just felt weird - like they didn't belong in my shoes. Everything felt wrong! So i kicked off my shoes and socks and ran the last mile back barefoot on the asphalt. FELT SO GOOD!!!!! My speed picked up and running felt easier. Much more spring in my step. Landing on my toes with legs beneath me. Then came back and took a cold shower going brbrghghhbrvvbhvbrghghgbrbhghgrbrb in the stream. The way forward is backwards! Hail the glorious ape man! He is by nature's design and lives as nature intended!

And then i studied some more. So much for ape man. Read some of the physics book. Was marginally more understandable this time. Still fucking boring!

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Thinking about trying some sort of martial arts. Any advice?

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156 days journalling

Days porn free: 11

today didn't feel like the most productive day. But i still got shit done. I hate typing on my fucking phone! GAH!!!

So today I had a bit of reflection on my decision to quit gaming. I don't see any reason to return. Gaming was like an all inclusive holiday and what i am doing now is like hitchhiking across the globe. Because i quit i was able to do other things. Cultivate neglected skills. I am grateful for the opportunity to do that. I don't need games anymore. In games i wanted to be that guy. That awesome guy that can do all kinds of cool shit. But i can do that in real life. The thing is though i have still developed escapist habits in other mediums. But i am content with them. Reading fiction and making comics is new. It's different. I have gamed enough. Time has come  to close the chapter and begin a new volume!

The problem is though. I think my head my be too in the clouds still. With games i fantasised about all the cool shit i could do. And now i do that in real life. The question is: is this healthy? Am i just kidding myself? I want to start doing fucking martial arts all of a sudden now. Sometimes i think i am expanding my repertoire too much. Like it's just an image for me. A tool to keep my ego in check. I'm afraid if i drop anything i lose what defines me. I'm looking at my life just like i was looking at those cartoon characters.

 

 

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157 days journalling

Days porn free: 12

Been digging potato trenches today! Good workout. My mum is mad on gardening and she had a foot operation so she can't do much physical stuff. So she had me digging. Today I didn't eat so healthy. But I don't really care. We all have those days.

I was walking around in town a bit today. Deposited some money in the bank, bought some cheap sketch pads, got a haircut. Noticed the way I spoke and felt was different. I had a deeper voice, I was super relaxed, super confident. I spoke with few words, and I felt a strange clarity in the tone of my voice. Super grounded. Super chill. When I look in the mirror now I also see something different. Stronger facial features. Penetrating gaze. The whole aura is different. Like a well of strength. Maybe I'm just imagining things. Maybe it's just my ego. But I feel different. I see difference. I'm back at school next week. Let's see how I fare.

Gonna read the necronomicon now and then go to bed! Hail Cthulhu!

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No post last night. Late work night. Awesome day though.

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159 days journalling

Days porn free: 14

You try get over you gonna go under!
Woah! 2 weeks nofap- no wanking no porn. Easy! Looked at some boobs today! Felt different. "Yea that's a pair of tits. Nice pair; don't care." Happy that my view of women has shifted. I wasn't happy being a degenerate bitch. Getting closer to what I really want: an actual relationship! No 2D slags! I was at the forest stream today. Sat on a rock in the sun. Thought about sharing this place with future girlfriends. That would be nice. Thought about carrying them over the stream. Lying on the verge with them. Haha! Looks like I'm the helpless romantic type after all. I'm glad of it though. Better than fucking porn. Better than that disgusting shit I gave myself to. I just want to cuddle man! I just want to have a good fuck! I just want to talk!
Went for another barefoot run! Nice!
Was in a day dreamy mood today didn't get much studying done. When I'm in this mood I just say "fuck studying" because I know I won't get anywhere. Thought about some kid at school. He's one of these friends I have. Relics from my gaming days. They don't have much personality- they just meme away and try to mask their void. To find security in memes. They don't need a sense of humour. They just need to spew memes- everyone loves memes! I think he is suicidal and depressed. I will say something to him one day in person. I'll try and corner him so he doesn't fall back on his memes. Then i'll let him do his thing. Whatever he does is whatever he does. I think he needs something in his life. A nudge. Something to reach into his shell and prod him.
Drew some shit today. Just pencils now but I'm practising my settings.
[IMG] 
An assassin in wait for his quarry- gamma sector 2b has a deadly criminal underground!

 

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