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The Warrior's Infinite Opus

459 posts in this topic

Posted

@Fagus Thank you for that insight. I have been told before that I should just try to understand and not expect him to change. I can't magically expect him to shower me with love all of a sudden. Im on my own now. My childhood is over. What's done is done.

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Posted

95 days

Days porn free: 4

Days fap free: 1

Today I left my comfort zone by:

  • Running around in a death metal shirt. Whilst saying hello to everyone I passed by.

Routine:

  • Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)
  • Cold shower
  • Bioenergetics
  • Porridge
  • Study 1 hour
  • Meditation

Goal from yesterday done?:

 Not really. Climbing gear but I still have to choose.

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Got up late. But I did bioenergetics, cold shower, workout, run and meditation all in succession.
  • I got some funny looks while I was running. But that's all part of the fun.
  • I also felt super liberated while running. The same freedom I felt when I was younger.
  • I have been feeling nostalgic lately. I. A déjà vu sort of way. Feeling certain feelings and smelling smells from my early childhood.
  • Today I read some Manga. Berserk. I haven't picked it up in a while. So good.
  • I also tidied up my room and filed my important documents

Tasks and Achievements:

  • Physical: workout, run
  • Mental: studying, learning german, tidying room, reading, washing up
  • Spiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditation

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • Kentaro Muira and free online manga
  • Running

What I have learnt from today:

  • Porn and Disney have fucked up our perception of relationships
  • People are still wired for a tribal lifestyle. The question is will we ever evolve past it before it destroys us due to our refusal to adhere to it.

Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:

  • Talking to other metalheads in HMV if I see any

Goal for tomorrow:

Start using Krita for digital art

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Posted

95 days

Days porn free: 4

Days fap free: 1

  • Running around in a death metal shirt. Whilst saying hello to everyone I passed by.

 

NICE! 

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Posted

96 days

Days porn free: 5

Days fap free: 2

Today I left my comfort zone by:

  • Texting my dad

Routine:

  • Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)
  • Cold shower
  • Bioenergetics
  • Porridge
  • Study 1 hour
  • Meditation

Goal from yesterday done?:

 Not at all. Totally forgot

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Got up late.
  • Went shopping to HMV. No metalheads in sight. I accidentally bought a djent CD. Born of Osiris - Soul Sphere. But hey I'm pretty open minded when it comes to music so I'll give it a shot. On the plus side; I spotted 60℅ (for a modest sum of 20 quid) of sylsosis' discography on the shelf at the last minute. Noiiiice. I wish I bought the necromancing the stone CD instead of the djent one though.
  • When I got back in spent the rest of my day ripping the audio
  • I got randomly depressed again. But my mood has dramatically improved.
  • My dad sent me a birthday card. That was nice of him.
  • I had a weird confidence spell at work. Felt gud.

Tasks and Achievements:

  • Physical: work
  • Mental: learning german
  • Spiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditation

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • CDs
  • Djent CD because maybe I will like it after all and become a trve djentleman
  • Sylosis
  • Birthday card
  • Being 5 days porn free.

What I have learnt from today:

  • I should just blast metal on my phone in the middle of the store to see if I like the band next time. Embarrassment isn't a priority when it comes to MEEEEEEEEETTTTTAALLLLL
  • Posture is very expressive.
  • There is a weird balance to everything. I sway from negative to positive in terms of mood a lot. Mostly on a long term basis. Hormones? Maybe.

Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:

  • Getting up early for workout and run

Goal for tomorrow:

Get studying super hard

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Posted

Yeaaaa go run! Like a gazelle in the African steppe!!

Moodswings stabilize with sports and the absence from softdrinks and caffeine. And the absence of shitty people. Yea that latter one must be it. I'm still conductin' research tho!

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Posted

@destoroyah Severe lack of shitty people on this site! Not sure it's that one!

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Posted

97 days

Days porn free: 1

Days fap free: 1

Today I left my comfort zone by:

  • Nothing

Routine:

  • Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)
  • Cold shower
  • Bioenergetics
  • Porridge
  • Study 1 hour
  • Meditation

Goal from yesterday done?:

 Not really. Got up late and got sick with the procrastination bug

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Got up late.
  • Tried studying but I was bored so I did some other shit
  • Got high on caffeine towards end of day so I could achieve my goal
  • Didn't work as well as I expected. I did get my physics done though.
  • Talked to friends and made a massive post on deviant art
  • This djent CD is pretty decent.
  • I FUCKING RELAPSED ON PORN. That does it. I'm off to nofap for some serious rehab.

Tasks and Achievements:

  • Physical:
  • Mental: learning german, studying, getting on nofap
  • Spiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditation

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • Caffeine for showing me how unreliable it is.
  • Djent for not being so shit.
  • My swedish friend

What I have learnt from today:

  • Coffee sucks. If I want to be productive I should just take care of myself and do shit properly

Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:

  • Blasting the duuuuuuuuuuuhjeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnttttttttt

Goal for tomorrow:

Make thank you letters

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Posted

Here is the post I made on deviant art:

Helllllooooooo
I said I would post on here more but I haven't; even though I have been drawing shit tons. There is a reason for this:
I don't like the way this site works for me as a developing artist. Or at least the way I have been using it.
I find that it is easy to get consumed by the warped social nature of this site. How much feedback you're getting and so on. Fishing for compliments. Returning "thank yous" and favs like there's some sacred equilibrium to be upheld or the entire universe will implode into a shitstorm of sorts. It is never good to adopt this mentality I think as it's very needy and also counter productive- just draw; don't care about your imaginary internet friends. I think you should stay true to yourself and be sincere always. I found myself being very devoted in an irrational way to others on this site: "Oh I must check on him and say something nice so he doesn't feel like he is doing bad!". Again- immature, needy behaviour. I just did it because it made me feel like I was being helpful. I'm sure the guy has the social integrity to live without my nice comments. I know I sound selfish, but I have one goal in art and that is to improve. Once I have improved I will start helping others in actually improving; not spewing empty sentiments.
"Do the thing and you will have the power. But they that do not the thing had not the power" - Ralph Waldo Emmerson
I need to get shit done and focus on myself before I start giving.
Also another quote by Mr Emmerson:
"The most difficult thing for a man to do is be himself in a world that is constantly trying to change him" - Ralph Waldo Emmerson
When you put stuff out there people either like it or don't like it. Being too conscious of other's opinions is a severe threat to the authenticity of your work. I don't really have this problem with the scale and quality of my output though. But I'm sure bigger users do.
Moving on: I'm too much of a noob for this. At my level I should be focusing on enriching my fundamental skills and not trying to create some sort of pseudo-masterpiece. This site has no real use for me right now apart from looking at other peoples stuff from time to time. But I can do that anywhere really. As a well developed artist I can see how it might be of use: put your shit out there to a wider audience, get feedback, inspire others. But for me right now? Nah my random practice sketches aren't much to behold and I don't need the little criticism I get as I'm not producing finalised content plus I'm imitating others. I would rather go at the basics on my own and develop my own observation skills but, on the contrary, a little Q&A would be great from professional people who know their shit. I just don't know anywhere on this site where I can specifically get that. In fact I get little to none lengthy criticism here whatsoever. The bulk of my knowledge I get from a 2nd party is from professionals on youtube.
If I do find a way I can have some more professional users accountable for my progress that would be great. That means I would be on here every time I fill up a sketchbook or have a problem. Not asking for a private mentor or anything. Just a little reliable constructive feedback.
That's why I don't really need this site. I hope this was helpful to you if you have the same problem.
Peace

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Posted (edited)

@Schwing Hm, you're right about that "caretaking" behavior one can adopt in such platforms. These Forums are running the same danger. I think being sincere is actually not as easy as it should be, because being sincere means also saying "I don't like this, because...". But if you learn to write that "because" well enough, the receptionist will understand, and if he agrees - he will grow and if he disagrees he will know that you are not a "sockpuppet" - as you would say.

So if you are delivering constructive feedback, being sincere is actually worth a lot more than being a cheerleader. For yourself and for the person you are interacting with.

Constructive feedback isn't as easy as one might think though. When I look at a picture, I get overloaded with sensual input. Let's say the general result is "this is shit". To make constructive feedback I'll need to

a) be able to untangle that sensual overload that I am receiving from the picture (which requires a lot of self awareness and all that "being myself" mumbo jumbo)

b) put that into words precisely (which requires technical understanding in art and the vocabulary associated with that - and furthermore some general communications-skills)

I think the requirements are quite stupendous. That's why people just say "I like it." or, which isn't as good in keeping a relationship "It's shit.". You need to be a master yourself - or at the very least have watched many masters, to help people improve by criticism. Sure sometimes you get away with "I don't like it, I don't know why", which is sincere, but that only works in very intimate relationships.

 

That social platform "neediness" is really a problem. I hate that shit. It's not sincere. It's fake all over and people pretend to be something they aren't. I avoid those situations like the plague, even deleted my Facebook in the process. It's very quiet now.

...but the voices are still there!

 

Maybe you could just upload your pics here, or on another platform with more focus on the material at hand. Or change the way how you interact with deviantart. I have an account from 2006ish, theres like noone there - but it only has like three mediocre pics in it. Just keep quiet!! If you get a friend request ask "How old are you?" and no matter what they reply say "Too young, sorry" and never reply again. No hard feelings then.

Edited by destoroyah
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Posted

@destoroyah Thank you for this.

Haha. I have never known anyone other than myself who went out of their way to say something was shit on that site. It's just compliment compliment compliment. But yes I suppose people totally avoid constructive feedback and resort to compliments as they have a need to express their thoughts but might not necessarily have the means to do it in a truly helpful way. I still have my facebook. The only thing I use it for is keeping up with metal bands. With deviant art I don't see myself ever using it unless I found a group where I could get guaranteed reliable feedback. Even then I would be only visiting frequently.

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Posted

98 days

Days porn free: 2

Days fap free: 2

Today I left my comfort zone by:

  • Being open on 1000 days.
  • Video chatting with an old steam friend for first time

Routine:

  • Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)
  • Cold shower
  • Bioenergetics
  • Porridge
  • Study 1 hour
  • Meditation

Goal from yesterday done?:

Almost. 1 more to go.

Thoughts and Feelings:

  • Got up late. There was a mouse in the roof last night and it was making so much fucking noise.
  • Didn't do any studying. Very chill day.
  • Did some art
  • Rewatched one of my favourite movies: Deathgasm
  • I talked to an old steam friend for a long ass time. The conversation was shit. We were just regurgitating memes into each other's mouths. I was serious and open when I messaged him on skype about my gaming problems. He was obviously uncomfortable about this. I played along with his immature shit level banter on the call. Shouldn't have done that. I hate that. I need to be grounded.
  • I hosted an accountability call with fil today. It was the highlight of my day. We covered a lot and know each other a lot better now.
  • I have to go to a practice dinner party as part of a confidence and social skills course school puts on

Tasks and Achievements:

  • Physical:
  • Mental: learning german, studying, getting on nofap
  • Spiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditation

What I am grateful for:

  • Metal
  • Feeling like I am growing up finally
  • @fil for making it to the call
  • This beautiful song
  • The shit talk I had with my old steam friend for giving good contrast to the one with fil and making me think

What I have learnt from today:

  • Stay grounded means being grounded. This extends to conversation. I notice changes in my body when this happens. When I talked with steam friend my voice was very high pitched. When I spoke with fil my voice was very deep (even though I voice cracked a ton). I'm sick of shit talk with my "friends". Having our crappy highschool insecure dumbfuck egos double ended dildo shag each other.
  • I am feeling greatly changed in my art. Finally I am able to accurately portray my imagination.

Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by:

  • Dinner party. I hate mass social fuck fests. Get me with some real people on a long walk outside or in a cafe and then we can fucking talk. I hate the whole farce of dressing up and talking about generic retarded shit like trump and brexit. Let's face it: who cares about politics if it's a corrupt game for the elite. Every single system is wrong. Why should we fuss and obsess over how we are herded as the cattle in this farm called society? We should obsess over how we lead ourselves with philosophy as individuals. That's what i think

Goal for tomorrow:

Catch up with studying

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Posted

Thanks for hosting the call @Schwing, it was very nice! I'll be visiting your daily journal regularly now, be aware! :D 

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Posted

I have a terrible fear of opening up to people.

You might wannt to see a therapist about that. 

@Csaba_Bekesi I am sceptical of therapists. Do you have any experience with them?

I can't agree with that. Therapist will only make you more closed and swallow your cash. At least that's how it worked for me once.

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Posted

Hey, I really like your progress in expanding your comfort zone! That's how you should do!

Keep it up for a month and you'll see how much your life had changed!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Posted

No post today. I am spiritually, mentally and physically drained and I feel sick. The dinner party thing sucked a bag of dick. It was exactly as I described it earlier. A mass social fake pretend fuck fest.

My goal for tomorrow is to talk when I want to talk. And not talk when I want to talk. Not to give my fucks to unfuckworthy things

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