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My journey for a new life


Jason70
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Day 29

Feeling tired, upset and weak. Didn't play any games today, that however wasn't the issue. The issue was my phone (which I fell back on) and most noticeable, music. Was gonna work on Chinese but then, you guessed it, I got sucked in by music and youtube again, didn't even finish my to do list because of it. One thing I noticed is that I listen to music the same reasons I played games, it provided an escape, a fake reality. I could almost tell you all the songs that resonated with me. Eminem's Cleanin' Out My Closet and Brain Damage to Set It Off's Catch Me if You Can and Wolf in Sheep's Clothing to even now with Pentatonix's Ref and Natural Disaster. The examples I gave don't even scratch the surface of what I related to in music over the past few months. However, all of them I retreated to because I was feeling angry or upset, or was bored and turned to it because it's what I knew. It also was simply because I wanted to see them (youtube) or hear their voices. That's what happens when you're addicted to something. You just need to see it, either through words or on a screen. I think music has caused me to stay in my room for a majority of my time and caused me playing with my hair. Compared to other males I have significantly longer hair, and I usually pull it when I am anxious. So music and Youtube, even though they were my safe-havens, caused me to just from time to time twirl it. I see where I am getting the anxiety from. It could possibly be because music is helping me avoid whatever I don't want to do, but It's also making me hide. As I mentioned before, music and youtube make me hide in my room, but while doing so, I am running just running from myself, running from everything. 

The truth is, we all need something we can turn to as a needs to calm ourselves down. However, as I have realized with music, it can easily become an addiction without you knowing it. Also while turning to some form of consumption can HELP make you calmer, it overall is not a good way to ease yourself before looking at a situation again. This counts for all forms of consumption, not just games. It can also happen with books, youtube, music, movies, food, high-energy drinks, drugs, alcohol, porn, anything. Anything can become addictive, we just have to differentiate which ones are good and which ones are bad. Although generally speaking too much of anything is bad.

I see as I am writing this, I am not pulling or twirling my hair, must be because I am not listening to music. I think music is a great thing, and youtube, although it wouldn't be my first choice, it has amazing things on it.

I want to have a healthy relationship with these things again. To enjoy Rap, and Rock and A Capella, and Jazz and Pop and any form of music again without being sucked in and lose self-confidence and lose time.

Alternatives I will have, in case I come up with issues, is journaling, punching my punching bag and meditating. Three things that will make me calmer and not just sucked into a screen.

So in short, I guess I'll say I am unplugging

Hope you had a good day

Jason

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13 hours ago, Jason70 said:

Day 29

Feeling tired, upset and weak. Didn't play any games today, that however wasn't the issue. The issue was my phone (which I fell back on) and most noticeable, music. Was gonna work on Chinese but then, you guessed it, I got sucked in by music and youtube again, didn't even finish my to do list because of it. One thing I noticed is that I listen to music the same reasons I played games, it provided an escape, a fake reality. I could almost tell you all the songs that resonated with me. Eminem's Cleanin' Out My Closet and Brain Damage to Set It Off's Catch Me if You Can and Wolf in Sheep's Clothing to even now with Pentatonix's Ref and Natural Disaster. The examples I gave don't even scratch the surface of what I related to in music over the past few months. However, all of them I retreated to because I was feeling angry or upset, or was bored and turned to it because it's what I knew. It also was simply because I wanted to see them (youtube) or hear their voices. That's what happens when you're addicted to something. You just need to see it, either through words or on a screen. I think music has caused me to stay in my room for a majority of my time and caused me playing with my hair. Compared to other males I have significantly longer hair, and I usually pull it when I am anxious. So music and Youtube, even though they were my safe-havens, caused me to just from time to time twirl it. I see where I am getting the anxiety from. It could possibly be because music is helping me avoid whatever I don't want to do, but It's also making me hide. As I mentioned before, music and youtube make me hide in my room, but while doing so, I am running just running from myself, running from everything. 

The truth is, we all need something we can turn to as a needs to calm ourselves down. However, as I have realized with music, it can easily become an addiction without you knowing it. Also while turning to some form of consumption can HELP make you calmer, it overall is not a good way to ease yourself before looking at a situation again. This counts for all forms of consumption, not just games. It can also happen with books, youtube, music, movies, food, high-energy drinks, drugs, alcohol, porn, anything. Anything can become addictive, we just have to differentiate which ones are good and which ones are bad. Although generally speaking too much of anything is bad.

I see as I am writing this, I am not pulling or twirling my hair, must be because I am not listening to music. I think music is a great thing, and youtube, although it wouldn't be my first choice, it has amazing things on it.

I want to have a healthy relationship with these things again. To enjoy Rap, and Rock and A Capella, and Jazz and Pop and any form of music again without being sucked in and lose self-confidence and lose time.

Alternatives I will have, in case I come up with issues, is journaling, punching my punching bag and meditating. Three things that will make me calmer and not just sucked into a screen.

So in short, I guess I'll say I am unplugging

Hope you had a good day

Jason

I think you're falling into the process that most people quitting addictions falls into. You start noticing what your behaviors and safe spots are, etc. The places you go to escape. The issue I'd like you to explore, if you are so inclined, is to study your behavior BEFORE you start listening to music. What is making you anxious? Why is it making you anxious? Write every step down. An example could be avoiding a homework assignment. Why is starting homework tough? Afraid of not knowing the answer, afraid of the time commitment, afraid of being confused or wrong, etc. Start analyzing everything that's leading to these issues.

This is important because you'll start to realize you're about to go down an anxiety path. If you can recognize the path then you can halt the thoughts and behaviors. These behaviors are second nature to you so you aren't even noticing when you do them because they're so natural by years of repetition. It's time to notice the cycle. Then you can change the cycle. Music might not be the reason you're pulling your hair out. It might just be the way your body deals with waves of anxiety due to the waves of music.

If you start discovering why you're anxious, you can tackle the problem head on. Going back to the homework example I provided. You can attempt the homework and if you're confused you can write the questions down and ask the teacher. You can look at the homework before you leave school and see if there are any potential questions you might have so you can ask the teacher, etc. Maybe just by starting it you're not as stressed and can be more comfortable overall. 

Start investigating. 

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Day 30 

One month of no games. Felt a bit depressed in the middle of the day. This moment however, made me realize the importance of being open and honest with myself and its okay to cry. Some things I did was I meditated which helped immensely, I journaled and I prayed to God. All the things were super helpful. Today I finished college work, cleaned my room, and went for a walk, I am also following my morning routine well. Need to get to the rest of the to do list though. Besides that I finally started Chinese and i learned that learning a new language is a lot of fun! Excited for tomorrow.

Hope you all had a good day 

Jason 

@BooksandTreesToday I did some research, into myself I found the anxieties were from just misunderstanding. I said in my own personal journal that some of the reasons were stress from one of my college courses, not fully understanding something new the professor introduced. It was also from anger and being annoyed by a few students on campus. One person was a "friend" who turned out to be a fake son of a bitch and another kid. This resulted in trying to one up them in any way I could, but doing that loses a lot of energy and makes you paranoid because you think "am I going to one up them in this?" So i need to let that anger go. The third one was an episode of one of my favorite cartoons back in the day. This may sound silly but I was afraid of what occurs in that episode was going to come and attack my family. Which is weird because I was afraid of a cartoon and had no problem with The nightmare on elm street 😂. Anyway, I think I got this feeling because it was different for the show which is mostly happy and bright, and also overall it just was a disturbing episode so. I reminded myself that the cartoon setting and the character do not exist, so hopefully I can actually sleep at night. So just stress and paranoia and anger may be causing the pulling of my hair. I still think though music is a part of it as it caused me to not work towards my dreams as I'd be distracted, and since it's a safe-haven it makes me more afraid of failure, making me not want to take risks, which is the opposite of what we want. 

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Day 31

I feel like a zombie with all the staring at the screens. I just want normalcy. While I cant have that yet, I can do things to improve my energy levels so I am not so tired. Like exercising, and eating healthy and just overall taking care of my body and my mental health. Most mental health has deteriorated during this time. I may have mentioned this before but, I read an article where it stated Americans are the most depressed they have ever been, during covid. Mental health's importance hasn't shot up because of the pandemic, its always been important, but now we need to make it one of our first priorities more than ever. I'm going to work to do that.

Today in terms of games, I tried looking up gaming related things and went on discord and I realized, this isn't fun, this is boring, i hate this. 31 days ago I would have enjoyed it. I find it crazy how much my mind changes in just a month!

Best

Jason 

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Day 32

 

No games today. Short journal because I am going on a 3 day camping trip with my dad. So I wont write journals for that period.

Still fighting anxiety, but I will overcome it!

Best 

Jason

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Day 34

Returned from my camping trip, I said it was 3 days, it was more like, 1 full day and then one night and one morning together, making two days in total, anyway we just got back this morning. It was a real fun time not only did my relationship with my father grow, but I also got to try out some things outside my comfort zone and I got to really connect with nature for the first time in a while. Only issue was it was cold at night, but that isn't enough to drag down my experience. There was something comforting about just being in nature and seeing it, instead of just being stuck in a house. I'd honestly take this experience over the first animal crossing (clocked like 15000+ hours into that) anytime. Anyway, I got out of my comfort zone by trying fishing. Where we were staying there was a lake nearby used for recreational purposes, so we tried it. It was calming and peaceful. I didn't really catch anything big, nothing exciting. The biggest thing I caught was a larger scale bluegill, but compared to some other fish it wasn't too big. While I wasn't as good as my dad or some of the other fishers, I still had a fun time. 

Camping and sleeping in a tent and cooking were also outside my comfort zone. As I said, when I was gaming I would skip out on family trips to play more games. So I never really went camping at all. And I never cooked, I just ate what my father made me or just grabbed what was in front of me (all the junk food). Sleeping in a tent is uncomfortable for me, I understand that its on the ground, so I wasn't expecting anything luxurious, but I couldn't sleep, which is a bummer. However, the meals were at least decent. 

Enjoyed my time. Nice disconnect from the world in a sense, and nice to be in nature. Makes me want to go back and make my younger self go on trips like this.

Hope you all had a great day.

Jason

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Day 35 

No games, to avoid laziness I am going to remind myself each morning that the day is going to be great and I have to make it great. No one else will do it for me.

Hopefully it will work

Best 

Jason

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Day 36 

Fell into the Phone/music/youtube void again. However, I noticed today that I found music and youtube to just be downright boring. Maybe it's because when I played games, these things all connected? I am not sure, all I know is I hope this feeling lasts. To help me on my journey I deleted my spotify and youtube accounts, I also kept checking social media (Twitter, Instagram) throughout the day so I deleted those too. In terms of music I also realized that even if I may like, or even be obsessed with a band, I don't need to see what they are saying or what they put out all the time. I believe FOMO, was attached to the need to always check what they're up to, to keep up with the fanbase so I am not criticized (every community has that). Who knows.

All I know is I am playing with my hair less, not necessarily because of music but because I am removing anxieties out of my body.

Been slacking on my to-do list and Chinese and exercise. Not because of youtube or music but because of myself. Need to get back on that.

Hope you have a great day

Jason

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Posted (edited)

Day 37

Today I woke up happy for the first time in -- who knows? However, my lazy ass just decided to stay in bed for no reason, so that kind of left me in the morning. The inspiration, not the happiness. Yeah I had inspiration too, might be because I closed my spotify account last night, deleted both my youtube channels, and deleted my social media besides Facebook which I barely even use anyways.

I feel like my body and my mind has accepted having an average day. I don't like that concept. What even is the concept though? What does an "average" day look like? I know we tend to think of the typical 9-5 office job with an average annual salary, getting coffee in the morning, then doing whatever they do when they get back. This typical thought has been in part labeled with the "American Dream". In actuality though, a day being average can have different meanings, different meanings for everyone. Just on the surface I feel like it means to me not working towards my dreams, which I haven't been doing.

For some reason I have a weird fear of working towards my dreams. Not sure if this was something that came from gaming, and I tried looking into it before but the only thing I can come up with is just the thought of all the work I have to put in. Also the fact that my dream will most likely come with fame after, or well some fame, not worldly famous. The thought of many people knowing my name isn't the scary part, I mean I have dreams everyday where I think of myself at a convention signing a new book and so many people smiling and excited to be there. So it's not fame itself but I think it's the expectations that come with fame and the other things that can happen when you're famous. Like I could be involved in an incident where I could be killed. Always expected to seem like I have a perfect life and get this book at this date and at this time, to have these beliefs, to do this and that. So maybe having books published isn't for me and I can write in different ways, but having a book published is one of my goals so, I am just not sure. If I want to have anything published I need to overcome the fear and get working on it. To start instead of working on my first novel now, I could start small, improve my vocabulary and grammar, and start a blog. With this journal I can even show off my writing skills. 

Anyway, one accomplishment today was cleaning my room. I also listened to two podcast episodes. Going to finish up some college work, exercise then head to bed 

Hope you all had a great day.

Jason

Edited by Jason70
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Day 38 

Had some real urges today,  however i powered through. I feel happy because I started studying words again for writing. Need to make sure I keep studying so I don't forget them! Going to work out and then get back to meditation, I fell off a bit. Glad to have another day free from gaming!

Best

Jason

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Day 39

Day's not over yet, came on to say though that besides writing, I want to find some other things I enjoy. Ever since breaking off consumption, I need to find some other things I am passionate about. Writing alone won't fill up all the time. Might look at a list of hobbies again and then try some today. 

Goal for today is to finish the rough draft of an article I am writing, and to plan out some other things I can do that I enjoy.

Have a nice day!

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Day 40

Another 10 days in the books. Today was an awesome day. I learned that while it is important to follow your dreams and work towards them, you should take a step back and be present with the world from time to time. That's what I did. I'm excited I wrote down some hobbies I'd like to try, these include getting back into photography and seriously giving it a try, as well as drawing and running. Running interests me because of the thought of your blood pumping and going fast sounds exciting. Tomorrow though I'd have to wear a rain coat as it's supposed to rain, but I'm excited to try them out. Another reason I'm excited is I planned out my first novel. I know I said I was going to start small, but I get thoughts for books all the time and I thought I'd at least plan it out and write it down. That was a big accomplishment today. Some other accomplishments were I got back in to exercising, after not doing it for a couple of days I was kind of out of shape. I'm planning on logging my exercise and what I did so I can see how far I came. Last things to do for today is study and learn new vocabulary words and meditate. I also want to start logging my meditation too. I think maybe logging what I do will keep me motivated to stick with it. 

I am happy I have been of games this long, this is the longest I have ever been without touching a single game!

Best 

Jason

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Really really inspiring to see you hit day 40. Gives me a lot of hope! I also find running to be a great hobby. It really helps get rid of that energy that gaming seemed to expend. Good luck and stay strong.

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@TheNewMe2.0  @Theresa Thank you both. I am really happy I made it this far. Theresa I wish you luck on your journey and I'm glad I could be inspiring. Hopefully the habits stay.

Day 41

Today felt a bit less exciting and felt a bit less open than I did yesterday for some reason. Usually around this time I'd be intrigued to listen to some music or watch youtube as its a laid back activity and is easily accessible. Despite some urges for both today, I am going to hang on. I won't give up. Today it rained for the majority of the day, but it didn't dampen my mood. I honestly don't know what I have been feeling but I was able to get everything done off my to do list (some things to finish up, like asking one of my old high school friends if they want to facetime and catch up, nerve-racking, and meditation). Overall it was a day that felt kind of slow and boring but in reality a lot of stuff happened.

Also on my walk today I had a thought. Even though it can get rainy, foggy, or sunny, and even though you may walk the same route, the things you experience (like the weather) is still a once in a lifetime experience that you won't be able to ever experience again or just ever experience if you missed it. This realization expanded my mind and justified my question of "why play games?" even  more. Also on my walk today, I noticed some trees I never knew were there before.

Interesting day

Have a good one

Jason

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On 3/17/2021 at 11:23 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I think you're falling into the process that most people quitting addictions falls into. You start noticing what your behaviors and safe spots are, etc. The places you go to escape. The issue I'd like you to explore, if you are so inclined, is to study your behavior BEFORE you start listening to music. What is making you anxious? Why is it making you anxious? Write every step down.

This is fantastic advice. 

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@TheresaYeah it was. Sometimes I tend to just rid things away without actually thinking how it impacts me and how it would benefit if i let go of it. Also, I feel like BooksandTrees usually has fantastic advice!

Day 42 

Speaking of music, I tried listening to some again. Sucked me in. Might need to do something like I did with gaming. Not saying music is a virus for me, but in order to see if I have a toxic relationship with it, I should re-evaluate my relationship with it and go over all the bands I listened to and see what they did for me, how they impacted my life. Like a pros and cons list. Hopefully this will give me a more clear mind on my relationship.

Going to seriously try and limit youtube. I have been doing good, but sometimes i have been sneaking on. I know youtube has good things and amazing things on it. Maybe I need to evaluate this too. Probably will. This depends on what the results of my evaluation is but I might set up a system to watch youtube (specific video(s)) at a specific time. This might help with the issue of youtube becoming a rabbit hole. Can't let that urge for just stimulating entertainment take me over.

The bright side of today though was in the first half I spent a lot of time with my brother and dad, not playing games this time! Just talking and enjoying the time, so that was nice. Going to meditate and then sleep. Something else I need to do is fix my sleep schedule.

Have a good day everyone

Jason

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@Jason70

Congratulations on 6 game free weeks 🙂

It seems like you are in a very reflective period and are still doing stuff you need to do. That is how progress happens. Audiobooks are a nice alternative to YouTube for me. Maybe this would be an idea for low energy states?

I listened to a lot of self-improvement, but lately I enjoy listening to fantasy books. Right now I am finishing a series I started reading as a teenager (wheel of time). It's quite enjoyable.

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Day 45 

Didn't journal last couple of days because I decided I would go see my uncle again. I chose to do this as when I was gaming, I didn't spend time with him at all, and he always made a commitment towards me, now's the time I get to repay him. 

I had a fun time, we drove around a lot exploring the town I missed out on as a kid (usually in car rides I was playing my DS or something) and we went on a hike. It was nice to celebrate some quality time with him, besides his birthday.

I have gotten a bit lazy with work over the past couple of days (besides seeing my uncle), work as in productivity. It's time I got back on that. Looking forward to tomorrow!

Best 

Jason

@WorkInProgressThank you for the congratulations and the suggestion! For me personally, I enjoy reading physical books. I am more of a visual person when it comes to things so seeing the words in front of me, I feel is a more effective way of understanding the story. Something I did do was listen to podcasts, I dropped out of it  for a tiny bit and want to get back on it. Hopefully tomorrow!

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Day 45 tidbit

 

Just a little heads up, I will be refining my journal starting with tomorrows entry so it's a bit more organized. I feel like I could be sharing a lot more.

 

See you then

Jason

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Day 46

 

Days w/o games: 46 

Day satisfactory level: 3/10

 

Shitty day. I played no games or watched anything related to games but, I got distracted once again. Been thinking about my relationship with the things that distract me. Perhaps the issue is not the music, or the videos (although both can be designed to be addictive). I think the root source of why I keep turning towards them even though I know they won't help me in the long run is the reason I told someone else about turning to youtube. In the short term, you think "oh why not watch a couple of videos it won't hurt me," then when you do you are sucked into this cycle of just constant video binging. To prove my point, let's look at two options. Music and doing a work assignment. What seems more appealing? Well idk about you but in this case, I'd probably choose listening to music and again a justification comes in like "eh its only a few songs I can get to the work later." 

I think the word later is interesting. One it is an excuse, you can always go back to it to avoid something that seems "boring" like work. The second thing is the result of saying "later" and constantly using it. How much later am I gonna push this off. The reality is, the more times we say we will do things later, the more agonizing something seems, which will only want to push it off even later. Again it's a cycle. Cycles are everywhere, you can't escape them. However, not all cycles are bad. The thing is though I think we must be aware of not only our actions but where we are in the cycle. A cycle can lead to unhappiness and become exhausting, and also become boring. I think unless its something you truly enjoy, you need to change your cycles (if you can depending on your circumstances). As in my personal opinion, doing the same stuff over and over again, unless you enjoy it, will become boring.

So back to "later". Analyzing my situation, what have I used this word for? I've used it for college work, working out, reading, language and instrument learning, chores, basically anything that requires work. What have I put in place of doing any of these things? Youtube, my phone, and a bunch of Pentatonix. Something perplexes me though. In order to watch youtube or listen to music, we technically have to work to get the end result. Sure it's not as much work as doing something like your laundry, you literally just have to open Apple Music or Spotify or Youtube and bam, you're there. However, it still requires action to get to those places, so excluding games from this (as I know gaming and video consumption go hand in hand), why do most people choose to consume things instead of study when both require action to do it? Maybe the studying uses too much brain power and using a lot of brain power and thinking sounds like it will just tire us out.

Anyway, what can I do if I still want to listen to music, have it so it's not in my way of doing what's important first? I am not sure but for now, I think Journaling and just getting out of my room will help. Once I am done my morning routine, get out of my room so I am not tempted to just sit around all day, and hopefully I will find some other things I can do.

Also learned another thing about pulling my hair. Being awkward in front of other people/being myself. I learned I care a lot about what others think of me. The thing is though, if I am so paranoid about what others think, then people will look at me funny or treat me weird. Sure, people will do that if I just randomly scream and flop my hands around in the middle of the day, but I will get a lot less, if I am just myself. Plus, it's my life, if people judge me for something I do, so what? 

Anyway, plus side of today was the social side actually. I zoomed called one of my college friends and we had a great conversation. I went to the nail salon today as my fingers were busted and disgusting looking. This is due to a bad habit of biting my nails, and I had a great chat with them. My dad and I talked for a bit. Just overall it was a good social day. But the whole time I was nervous I was gonna say something wrong or again be awkward. Time to let that fear go.

Have a good day everyone

Jason

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Day 47 

Days w/o gaming: 47 

Day satisfactory level: 5/10 

 

Better day, but only because I read and worked out. I did notice that resorting to those low-effort activities is to avoid doing schoolwork. My excuse was it's a weekend, i can do it tomorrow. There's that pushing it tomorrow again. I am going to try doing things with a purpose, instead of just doing them. Planning on reminding myself consistently, "here is why i am using this" and then do it for said purpose (if its online) then log off.

Let's get back to these good days, I know I can do it!

Best 

Jason

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Hey, way to go day 47! Don’t overlook having accomplished reading and working out. In themselves they are good and healthy activities. Keep it up!

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@TheresaThank you for the kind words

Day 48 

Days w/o gaming: 48 

Day satisfactory level: 5/10

 

Can't call this day great. I never before in my life felt regret for things like falling into the internet spiral. Now I just feel instant regret, and I feel like such a failure. My mental health isn't shit rn thanks to the second half of the day and a bunch of realizations, but that doesn't hide the regret I feel towards what most of today consisted of. 

On the bright side of things I found a blocker for safari -- what I mostly used twitter and youtube on. If anyone needs some sort of blocker for safari, the one I used is a downloadable app called SelfControl. I have only used it for a few minutes and already it's keeping me off the sites. It doesn't keep you from going to those sites but it does block all content from being viewed, and you can customize how long you want them blocked from a few minutes to a whole day. 

One thing I noticed is that conscious decisions are important. I found it crazy today how your mood and mental health can change from just a few conscious choices. I went from feeling like shit watching youtube and surfing the web to feeling great after I took a shower, exercised and went outside. I feel like the more I make these choices better experiences will be created.

From feeling like shit I noticed feeling that way caused me to not feel grateful for the things i have, like clean water, somewhere to stay (even if it is my dad's house), getting food, having clothes etc., as I wrote that i already felt more joyous. As I realized this I instantly thought of meditation -- a resource for feeling more appreciative of all the things I have instead of the ones I don't.

Although it sounds like my day was filled with great things, the number of hours I spent just looking at the screen was far greater than it needed to be. Life is a constant battle, especially if you were once addicted to something. This is why it disgusts me that some celebrities, when they give recommendations, make it sound like it's the easiest thing to do. It may be easier for them, which I envy, but it's not easy for everyone.

Anyway going to do college work, have a good day everyone

Jason

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