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Ending the Loop

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On 12/23/2020 at 12:13 AM, Pochatok said:

I tend to think that other people make me feel in a certain way, but often they simply make me aware of my own feelings.

I noticed that you find it uncomfortable that other people have the power to make you feel different things.

I can understand. This is why we meditate alone in order to re-center ourselves from outside influences.

Denying the affect that other people have on you is an interesting coping strategy. It is also possible to acknowledge their power and your own power and be okay with it.

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Hi! I am a 20yo(he/him) college student studying English, Art and Music. When I was introduced to my 1st video game- Tanki Online(haha yes very lame)- I was so overwhelmed with it I would play up to 6

ALRIGHT LET"S DO IT TODAYYYYY Yesterday I was quite lazy- I got things done but the quality was meh. Finally caught up with my to-do list though, so today I can start fresh yeeeahhh!!  Showe

Alright, day two! I started the day with embroidery, which is frustrating, but I am getting better 🙂  Showerthought of yesterday: It's really not gaming that is the core of my problems. Rather, i

@Bird By BirdThank you for your insight, that's a point I haven't considered before. Yes, I think I do like to be in control of my feelings, and get very out of balance when others manage to make me feel in a certain way. It is actually a habit I have not thought much about until right now: years ago, I thought of being in control of my feelings as "strength"- something I liked to posses. As of today, I still have a lot of issues letting my feelings out- I guess I am so much "in control" of them I end up suppressing them. Some deeper feelings, like strong affection, have been especially difficult to provoke in myself. Hmmmm, you really made me think here, thank you very much!

Day 37?

Today was pretty good. Did a full composition, which I am pretty happy about despite all the rough edges it has. It has a feel to it, and that's what I wanted to achieve. Other than that, I am still not doing the things I need to be doing- school and job-related stuff. I have to get on top of that soon. 

Good things from today:

  • Family movie night!
  • Playing board games with sister
  • Cooking and eating
  • Making music
  • Drinking some water. Need to drink more tbh
  • Walking outside. Very cold but also very beautiful
  • Being with my partner. 

Have a good weekend peeps!


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Day 38.

Okay day. I have completed my resume and began doing the cover letter for the internship, and resumed practicing trombone. Sound surprisingly good so far, seems like the break brought some good. However, I played games a bit excessively today; yet every day is an improvement to self control: I tend to stop quicker when I do not feel like playing.

Random Thought of the Day: Now, that I pay more attention to my thought process when I game, I notice so much more easily how my addiction controls me against my will. There is a very clear feeling I experience when I no longer feel like playing games. Sometimes it takes half an hour, sometimes I feel it the moment I launch the game. What addiction does is not suppressing that feeling, but rather tranquilize it: takes away the guilt, for some time. The most difficult action to take yet is not to acknowledge that feeling, but to allow it to blossom into action. Lately, I have been able to notice that feeling much quicker, and take action within ten minutes of my notice. Still a long road to go, but it seems like I am getting to the core issue of the gaming addiction itself: letting that feeling guide me completely should allow me to master self-control, finally. At least I hope so.

Good things from today:

  • Driving, although I almost crashed into someone...
  • Cleaning up. Very meditative. 
  • Walking outside.
  • Feeding chicken
  • Watching Paprika with my partner, although she doesn't like it so far haha.
  • Reading every now and then. I want to read more.
  • Completing my resume! Seems pretty good 😄
  • Snacking on my cereal
  • Pizza!
  • My mom's culinary deliciousness

I intend to journal earlier in the day from now on. Reason: it gives a major happiness and productivity boost, but during the end of the day that boost ends up mostly unused. 

Stay well everyone,


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Catch-up for Day 39

Went very poorly in terms of gaming. And to be honest, I played only an hour and a half or so, which is only half an on hour more than how much I have been playing in the last week. Yet, out of that 1.5 hours, I only enjoyed 15-30 minutes. The rest was a zoomed-out, blurry, pointless, upsetting way to spend time. It really crossed the line for me, and reminded me that I can not self-control by having a game constantly installed on my PC and playing it daily. Moderation does not work for me, period. Need to keep reminding that to myself. No matter how much or little I play, I never feel 100% happy with the way I spent my time. There is always a bit of regret, a bit of guilt. Today was filled with guilt, and I do not want that. Yes, reading books and other activities might not be as exciting to my brain, might not scratch the same itch, but I hate that feeling of guilt more than I love the excitement of playing games.

Good things from today:

  • Playing more trombone
  • Organizing more things in my room. Love moving stuff around!
  • Being outside
  • Food! My mom made stuffed bread, and it was amazing
  • The Night Is Vast- loved 80% of it, the other 20% just wasn't my type.
  • my partner 🙂

Day 40

Today was nice. I didn't get too many things done, but they all felt impactful and meaningful. Also, I have not relapsed with porn in more than a full week now, and am going well without gaming. Life is exciting enough, at least today.

Good things from today:

  1. Driving around in the snow. Spooky!
  2. Walking outside, but only during the day. Brrr so cold!
  3. Getting a few things done, although there are plenty I have not 😞
  4. Making just a bit of music.
  5. Finding a new fun book to read
  6. Starting my cover letter for the internship. I am very excited, although nervous.
  7. My partner, duh.

Have a good Tuesday everyone, let's make this week a good one! Last one of 2020 after all.


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15 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Moderation does not work for me, period. Need to keep reminding that to myself. No matter how much or little I play, I never feel 100% happy with the way I spent my time. There is always a bit of regret, a bit of guilt. Today was filled with guilt, and I do not want that. 

I'm no expert on addiction, I just know from my own experience that gaming is an addiction for me. I would install League of Legends in the morning, play most, if not, all of the day and then get so frustrated and annoyed with myself that I would uninstall it at night. The process would repeat the next day, and would continue to repeat sometimes for weeks. I would generally make it a week or two without playing before I would cycle through the install, uninstall, reinstall loop again but I never really got over it. Finally, something clicked and I committed to a 90 day detox and it worked and I know that I will never let myself play LoL again. 

It felt extreme calling myself an addict until I truly reflected on my behavior and how long this cycle was going on for me and how much guilt I was feeling every time I played. I'm not totally sure how you feel about yourself with games and how much of a grip they have on you but I would try to evaluate in a widened mental view just how much they have affected you and continue to affect you. Moderation might be part of the journey for your way out of games but the best way to know how much something is affecting you is to remove the stimulus. 

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Catch up for yesterday:

Day 41

Overall a good day, had lots of things going on that helped me stay productive, although I have been noticing that I am rather slow with completing things. Wish I could be a bit more active. Also, I gotta get back to exercising again! 

Day 42

Almost 2021! Gonna be very sad day tomorrow. This year has been tough on all of my family members, so recapping it will be a tough time, although I do hope so much that things will get better in the new year. Overall, I wasn't very productive today, but fuck it- I'm on my last days of break. Tomorrow I gotta get some things done, or I will simply run out of time to complete them. Other than that, some nice ramen and BBQ Chicken today, as well as plentiful of lightly stressful but fun driving in the snow. Overall, I feel like today was good for me personally, although there has been some tension socially between me and my family members, and between them all as well. My dad is stressed out mentally, and my mom isn't feeling well.

Random Thought of today:

  • I often get slightly upset at lack of control that I have over family conflicts and just simply other people's mistakes, faults, and problems, and that stress causes me to actually become manipulative and controlling. Today, I was consistently blaming others (in my head) for their character qualities, almost gaslighting them. I feel very lucky to be so self-critical that throughout the day I would make  "counter-arguments" for these thoughts to not get too upset and remain reasonable. Still, any aggression inside my head, from just being upset at someone to imagining getting into a fight or any other violence rises the chances of me creating actual conflict. I hate how much my thoughts have control over my feelings and actions, especially on that subconscious level where I can not control stuff. ehh whatever, it is what it is, but I should be nicer to my family. They are all trying hard, even if not very effective.

Hope y'all get a day off, but spend it *wink wink* wisely!



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Time to catch up!

Today must be day 45!

No gaming so far, way too busy. The urge to visit gaming-related communities is pretty low, so I am able to stay away almost completely from any gaming-related stuff. Other than that, life has been very stressful the last few days. Grandparents have been both in poor health overall, and now have caught COVID. I have no idea if they are alive as of right now, should probably check... Moving back to campus was disorienting, and I am very tired today. Porn additction has been getting to me, but the last couple of days I've been doing well. Gotta keep that streak up!

Don't have time to journal more today, let's hope I will have it tomorrow,


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Day 47

I think I want to start a count on how long I have been game-free and porn-free.

No Games: 9 

No Porn: 4

Done. Feeling slightly worse now because the numbers were higher in my head lol. But I am happy I am getting it this far already. I honestly hope that I will simply not have any time for games in the near future. I definitely feel less inclined to play/read about them, although the urge is there from time to time. I gotta keep being passionate about other things, and not let myself get too stressed out- it's the stress that usually gets me back into games. 

The last few days have been very busy but good. I am happy with what I am accomplishing: I'm leading a big, school-wide petition, and uncovering a huge scam in a school club I am in (doesn't have to do with the club itself, but with its managers, who are BEEG people). Other than that, I feel very uncomfortable practicing in my room, and for not reason really, which sucks for sure- I can't enjoy making music. Classes are also fairly challenging, but I certainly find them fun.

Random thought of the day: My "business" is defined by my willingness to take on the things I do not enjoy- if I am unwilling to take on a task, I am "busy", but if I feel committed, then I always find some space in the schedule to fit yet another thing in. Then the question is, where does that willpower to say "yes" to things I do not like come from? In the past, it came for my desire to self-sacrifice/dislike myself- I felt good when I was stressed out, tired, in pain. While that unhealthy habit has left my self, now I find myself saying "yes" even when I should be saying "no" for a different reason: I value others' needs much more than before, and enjoy helping others. Even though at times that still feels like a self-sacrifice, the motives behind it are different- I want to make other people happy, not make myself unhappy.

Lots of good things happened today, the main one being- I have seen almost no porn at all. Urges are totally there, but I am able to resist it much better. Gotta keep finding that motivation! Also, I drew today for the first time in 2+ weeks. Feels great to be back!


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Day 48

No Games: 10 yay

No Porn: 5, not bad

today was very messy. Just the news going around get my feelings mixed up, and in terms of being productive I felt like I was on the lower side, although I spent a lot of time today working. Less urges to watch porn, and none to play games- I am very stressed out about all the things I have to get done by the end of the week. I think that probably is hindering at my productivity the most. Plus, sitting in front of the PC all day is also very exhausting, and not much fun. Let's recap the good things from today to end on a good note!

  1. Signed up for another class, now I'm fully overloaded for Spring Term, yay!
  2. Stayed Hydrated for most part, although I am kind of thirsty
  3. Got back to drawing slightly more. Honestly missed it so much!
  4. Did a lot of good things with my talking- I left a strong impression on the class I will be tutoring, and made a serious impact on a discussion I had within a club.
  5. Was overall on top of the things I had to do, although I have been rather clumsy with some of them. 
  6. A very active day in class- I am happy with my classes!
  7. The food has been pretty good today
  8. I really appreciate my partner more as of lately, she is such an incredible, hard-working soul!

That's it for tonight, I want to shower now. Stay well everyone, take care of yourselves!



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Alright, been awhile. 

Day 53, yeahhh

No Games: 15, hell yah. Very low urges, and rather not to play but just to see what the game devs have been up to. Games are just not as fun anymore.

Porn: 0 (relapsed twice within the last two days). This one is still tough. I have to keep reading helpful books on this topic.

It's been a very busy week. I am happy with how things are going- I am on time with everything, I am making significant impacts here and there, and I even applied for an Internship. My grandparents decided to give death some time to wait, which is nice- I wrote them a letter, which hopefully will get to their home in time. I've been exercising almost every day, and it is quite enjoyable. I've been reading for fun, and even hanging out with friends- which has not happened since summer haha. Although there are some occasional mood swings, I'm able to push myself to stay productive, and am pretty happy about that. 

Wisdom of Randomness: I often try really hard to restrict myself from various habits and addictions via sheer mental power. At first, it is usually enough: I have enough willpower to last, let's say, more than a month without gaming. But then something sad happens, and I get stressed. And when I am very stressed, I tend to go back to these habits, because in my memories they offer safety from that stress- they calm me down, let me escape reality and feel some great pleasure. The guilt and self-hatred that comes after my brain chooses, very conveniently, not to remember. Anyways, it is not that I overestimate myself- I do have the ability to resist my bad habits and addictions. But, only in normal circumstances; there is no "insurance" if I accidentally take a wrong turn. Which is why I gotta fooken get in the habit of going beyond myself to ensure that I will not fall into bad habits- and it takes just a few seconds to install an app block or create another "insurance" if my primary defense fails.

Today, I am grateful for my amazing partner, almond butter, and my kitten. Oh, and the markers my friend gave me awhile ago, they're super awesome.

Stay well people, 


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Day 54. Two days in a row here, wooowiieeees!

No Games: 16. Having some urges to install and play a game right now, but I have quite a bit more of HW to do. Maybe I will, but I doubt I have time. 

No Porn: 1. Had no urges today at all, which is very nice tbh.

Today has been very productive and just nice. I exercised even more than yesterday, and it was really enjoyable. Apparently, I can now easily make big leaps when going up the stairs(skipping through 2 steps instead of one), and I couldn't do that before. Very nice to see progress like this. Other than that, I realized that I need to put more work into my music cuz I completely sucked during a rehearsal today. Had my 1st club meeting of the term, it went nicely, although very few people showed up. Finally, it seems like I am about to get officially hired for the job I have been interning for over December, which makes me pretty happy heh.

Some thoughts: I still lack courage when it comes to being even a little bit hard on people, especially women. I imagine the environment being aggressive in such situations, and in my head that helps me be "mean". But in reality, when I need to be hard on people, they are often surprised by my appearance/words rather than offended. That mismatch of expectations v. reality is what takes away my courage, I'd like to think. Imagining more realistic reactions from others should help me be in control of the situation more. I'll see 🙂

Good thing from today:

  • Beef with Olives and Capers for Dinner. Some real Yum. Also, I finally sent the letter to my grandparents!!

Have a good Wednesday y'all beautiful people,


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Day 55

No Games: 17. Some urges today, but I'm keeping myself busy as always. I do enjoy a lot of what I am doing right now, but I need to find a stress-relieving activity soon, or gaming will come back since it is the only stress-reliving thing I have right now.

No Porn: 2. Yay. Some urges today, but I've been to busy and too invested in feminism history to get cozy here.

Today has been an overall good day. Lots of social media- I'll block twitter right now- but also so many things done. I actually felt pretty happy for a lot of today 🙂

Thought of the day: I really hate my hair- it's very dry and I get flakes all the time. But, I also refuse to take good care of it- nothing above washing it. I feel like some of that refusal to do better gets from the little value I give to my hair, which comes... from my dislike of my hair! Another loop discovered, blergh! I wonder where to tackle it in order to break it.

Good thing: I very much enjoyed my trombone practice today. Felt like the good old times when I had complete control over my playing.



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Day 57 it is

No Games: 19. Have an urge to play right now cuz I'm stressed, but nonononono not today!

No Porn: 4. Have had whatsoever no urges, I honestly just don't want to watch it. Very surprising to be feeling this way, but also that's quite helpful heh

Today has been very productive, I did sooo much stuff and I'm pretty tired. Worked for 4-6 hours, gotta catch up on homework and stretch out a bit before I shall decompose for the night. Oh, my grandmother has passed away yesterday morning. It is expected, but still sad. What's upsetting to me is that I am not feeling much- I haven't seen her in a long time, so maybe that's why I am so disconnected. 

Thought of the day: I think I read too much into other people, and appear to be very nice, funny, and fun. The thing is, I feel like people actually perceive me that way, but it causes me a lot of stress as I am constantly evaluating myself. A part of this is seeing myself on zoom, I am sure. But also, hearing my voice. It's easy to turn my camera off, but I can not stop hearing myself. Gotta figure out a way to stop being so self-critical whenever I am socializing. I think I should strive less for perfection and focus more on just letting my real self handle stuff. And let other people lead the conversation. 

That's all for today. So happy it's the weekend.

Stay safe and be well,


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Day 58

No games: 20... yay almost three weeks! And it's really easy hehe

No Porn: 0... however, I feel like this is the last time for at least this month I'll be resetting this. I honestly do not enjoy porn anymore at all. I've began to see so much past it, and also see how ugly it really is. I've been appreciating my gf more, treating her nicer. Hugs feel very good. And I also am very annoyed at how I perceive people who dress attractively- as if they want me to stare at them, or make a comment about how pretty they look. Nope, not at all. And I want to get these thoughts out of my head, and not be so controlled by how people look. I've installed a more powerful blocking app on my phone, so even if I will have cravings, I won't be able to really get them anywhere lol.

Other than that, it's an okay day. I certainly was depressed today. Not sure why, and that's okay! Sometimes it just hits me, out of the blue (haha what a pun). I've done some things today: tutoring went fairly well, I feel like I was quite helpful to people. I did some homework, got maybe half of my to-do list done. I worked out a fair amount as well, and did a ton of stuff for my 2nd job. Still, I feel like I wasted an hour on social media today, and another 30 minutes went to porn. Not fun at all. I want to read more tomorrow! Reading is actually fun now heh. Also, maybe I should draw/compose a bit, it's been so long with these.

Gotta run,


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13 hours ago, championeal said:

I love books 📚 what are you currently reading? 

Oh, it's "Chernobyl: The History of a Nuclear Catastrophe". A bit plain in terms of how it's written, but the topic itself is very interesting to me. Next up, I have "Heavy, An American Memoir", and "A Little Life". I have been trying to read challenging, different-from-what-I-would-usually-prefer kind of books. What about you?


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Day 59!

No Games: 21. Three weeks free! Kind of want to reinstall my favorite game for tonight, but also I've got plenty on my to-do list yet. I think I'll keep working for some more time. 

I've decided to keep the porn tracker off this journal, unless I am resetting it. This is gamequitters after all.

It's been a good day. Minimal distractions, did lots of things for myself and for others, caught up on most homework. I think I'll just read for the rest of the day. And workout as well- my body feels very sore from lack of exercise haha. I think tomorrow might be tough in terms of not deciding to play games again; but I will have a lot of things to get done tomorrow still, so it should be 👌

No random thoughts today, I am pretty happy.

Good thing: Giving compliments to my partner. I love her so much!

Have a good week everyone,


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Thank you @A New Man!

A catch-up for Day 60

No Games: 22. Onto the one month mark babyyyy. I have stronger urges than usual, as I have been visiting gaming-related communities again. I think it's because of how busy I've been lately; that is quite stressful.

Other than that, it was a beautiful day. I really tried to do something good on MLK day, and feel like I accomplished a lot of important things. And, got most of my HW done. Just some reading left for one of the classes. So, today should be pretty chill!

Good thing from today: Jazz Jam. I didn't play my best, like always, but it was a blast.

Stay well everyone!


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Day 61

No games: 23. Today was easy given how busy I was. I honestly felt like collapsing at some times. Nonetheless, I am very happy with how today went.

Resetting porn count! Damn it, I should really prioritize this as my top personal issue right now because it is. Yes, I have been very stressed out, but I still have so many other wonderful things to do but porn.

Other than that, very productive day. Still forgetting to do some things now and then, but I'm mostly on top of my game. Gonna go do some more HW and then will head out for the night.



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Day 62

No Games: 24. I am too tired to be playing. This week has been incredibly exhausting and sleep-deprived.

Somewhat productive, as I missed one of my job meetings 😞 I did well in classes and stayed on top of most of my work, but was quite forgetful.

Good thing today: I got extra cuddles!

Other than that, I am ready to die in bed


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