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A day at a time - Panda's daily journal


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Day 8

I don't know my opinion about this day. It was medium. It was dreary weather but I did accomplish my one thing outside my comfort zone, and that was I talked to a student who I didn't know much about at school. I don't talk to a lot of students at school not because of social anxiety but because honestly a lot of students at my school are not nice people so it's not worth it. The person who I talked to was nice though. Today was no game playing, while I spent a lot on my phone I did more German and I drew and worked on my puzzle so I am happy for that. What I am also happy about is tomorrow might be a snow day. I don't think so because despite living in a snowy state, where I live is closer to the ocean so we don't really get that bad of snow. Usually it's a coating. But anyway that snow day will enable me to catch up on work and maybe play outside a bit. Anyway I will see y'all tomorrow. Stay strong during these times. 

Gratefulness: Friends, mom, Teachers 

Positive: Drawing, puzzle, seeing my scout friends, Duolingo 

What to improve tomorrow: less phone, start other hobbies

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Slowly I am recovering. For the first few days I just relapsed on everything. Soda, Games and Junk food. I thought they would help the pain go away but nope they just drained my energy. I did play mob

I didn't just wake up I just had to start classes right away. Day 21 of overcoming video game addiction:    My goals for today: Clean room,  draw,  exercise,  start Ji

Day 21 of overcoming video game addiction - afternoon:   What goals did I complete?  I cleaned my room I exercised (2/4)   Detoxes:  Video game detox: Success n

Day 11 

 

Missed 3 days of Journaling simply because I was up late and I was tired. While I didn't play any games these last few days have been awful. No games but I have been in a lazy slump. These things happen but I just don't know why my mind thinks that  being productive is awful. Like my mind thinks of all these amazing things I could be doing and enjoying but then when it actually comes to doing them it doesn't happen. Sigh.  Well those 3 days were those three days. From now on, even if my brain and body don't want to I will do what I know is right even when I am thinking wrong. To help me I found this podcast called Happier, by Gretchen Rubin, so far it's been good, and I am going to make it part of my daily routine. Anyway, sorry about missing 3 days. Now I am going to take a quick nap, finish removing my summer clothes from my dresser, clean out my lunch box and do my homework. So I have a lot to do to make up from just watching football all day. Bye

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Those fake highs are the worse. We make all these plans based on fantasies but in the end, reality turns out to be a let down. It's like the universe is punishing over-enthusiasm or something. No wonder the Buddhists tell everyone to have zero expectations. It sucks but reality is a thousand times harder than games and every activity demands either patience or determination until it gets good. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm an old man and I have nothing better to do than what's in front of me. Sometimes it even works. I kept trying to force myself to have high productivity all week and I kept burning out. Now, I have to force myself to take it easy on Wednesdays to have enough energy for Thursday and Friday.
 

On 11/1/2020 at 4:58 PM, royal panda said:

my mind thinks that  being productive is awful

You probably need a break day too. The weekend or even a weekday where you slack off and let other people pick up the pace. We're all in recovery here. Recovery makes us feel like shit. We deserve a break. A healthy, positive, easy, relaxing game-free break. Give it time. In a few weeks, your dopamine levels (jacked up from gaming) will stabilize and you'll be able to enjoy things again.

Edited by Bird By Bird
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I just hit day 45 of what's got to be my 6th or 7th time trying the 90 day detox. Best I got to before was 66 days and then I spiraled back into gaming off and on binges for 2 more years. I always got the feeling that I had to live a better life and I must commit to all of these extremely disciplined habits (waking up early, exercising 2 hours/day, not watching TV or sitting on my computer, meditating an hour morning and night, eating healthier, the list goes on...) It wasn't until very recently that I feel I've turned a corner and I genuinely want to do all of these habits. I understand that if I have an off day with a few or all of them, that I'm not condemned to fall back into full-fledged toxicity. For me, gaming was where I went to numb out (among other things) and that's where I would go when I "failed" at these habits or felt like crap for a day. Now that I have committed to a life without games I don't plunge into darkness when I trip, I get back up and keep moving. This takes time! I've wanted to quit video games for 5 years! I just finished my undergraduate college degree, wasted a summer playing video games, got a crap job for 3 days before something stirred within me to really look at my life and understand its my life. I can take time for myself to develop into what I want to be. 

I know it is difficult throughout this time but keep trying. You are doing very well for yourself and it seems you have a good sense of self-awareness. Try to connect with what you want and be open to what is presented to you. Taking a walk just to walk has helped me many times just to clear my head, it may be something that you should try to do when feeling lazy or down. Also, Bird by Bird is right, the dopamine effect is seriously powerful. I've never been on social media so I feel like all of my "dopamine highs" came from gaming...without gaming everything is re-invigorated. Even just cleaning up and organizing has that extra sense of satisfaction.  

Also, it seems that you are closing in on going to college. Your best bet is to go where you feel like you will best be able to function. It might not be the most prestigious school or one that will fulfill a bunch of career requirements. It might be the one your parents don't want you to go to (if that is something they would do). But seeing that you are trying so very hard to improve many different aspects of your life, you may want to go where you have real room to grow in the way you want to. You can always transfer somewhere else in the future. 

 

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Day 14 

Yes I haven't been journaling but I am planning on journaling when I feel like it, I don't wanna force myself to journal every day if I think I have nothing interesting to say or I am busy. The past few days have been busy, doing schoolwork, planning for colleges etc. So far I have not gamed. One thing I remembered is that in a madden game I used to play, there was this connected career mode and I remember being so embarrassed about missing the ball because i thought that meant the coach of whatever team would take me out. So this remembrance furthers my determination to end games so yeah. Today I got my work done and took a walk, so yeah. Today was more of a relaxation day compared to the others. I think I might do some relaxation tomorrow as well as I don't really want to be super productive and stress myself out to do things during this stressful time in the States (election) so yeah. 

Also @Bird By Bird  and @BryanJaz thank you both for your comments, and both of you are right I shouldn't force myself to do it, I realized that even though its the start I have been raising my bar too high expecting I will instantly start doing so many things and being so productive but that's not reality, I should focus on one thing I really wanna do and do it and then add other things. For one like Bryan said, I should do it because I WANT to not because I am expecting myself to do it and forcing it. So thanks. I also think I need to train my brain on one thing first to get off the gaming dopamine fix thing. It's all a process

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Day 18

Haven't played games yet. One thing I will note though is that while phones have positives, the negatives outweigh the positives and for me, the addiction is still there and it gives me the brain fog I experienced before I quit games. I can literally feel it. The only way I am gonna get over this is if I use it for calls and texts only, and mail. My school is doing this stupid thing where you now have to show them your health screen for a particular day. The thing is though, you can just show them the same picture from the first time as it doesnt show a day and pass through. So they are fucking forcing us to bring our damn phones when it serves no damn purpose. For that even though its shitty, I will show them the thing then put my phone in my bag and only take it when my teacher says so. Other than that I won't use it. As for me, despite the positives, it's the spawn of the devil.

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Had the same phone problem, Panda! Ended up picking up some cheapo Nokia for thirty bucks that can't do all the smartphone things, since I've got the willpower of a paper towel and will use it if I've got it. Obviously, a little different if you're on a phone plan rather than a sim-only, like I was, but maybe that's worth considering as an option?

Also, the battery lasts three days, because it's not smartphone-ing. Which is a nice little benefit.

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Day 24

 

I had a good day today, went and helped at Church again, I helped set up and take down sound equipment. It was a bit cold but wasn't too bad. The other thing I got done was washing my sheets and re-making my bed as well as working on my application. I have a little bit more to do, I just have to re-vise my essay and have it proof read again. Then i need to have the scholarship questions reviewed. I noticed that I have been thinking "oh it's not good enough, i won't get in..." considering this school is my dream school, I can see why I'd think that. However, I don't hear back until December 15th and since I had a great interview, my interviewer loved me, I had a good High school visit with them and because of my extra-curricular's being things that the school values, I see I have a good chance. Even if my essay isn't that good, it's only one part of the application they look at. Furthermore, since I am applying early decision, I have a greater chance of being accepted. So yeah. Also in terms of life in general, I am definitely getting better with being more productive Anyway, I have a big day tomorrow, so goodnight. 

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Day 30 

 

I just wanna apologize for not being so active in this community recently. Been busy with college stuff. I'm surprised I made it to my 30th day! Something I noticed though is that even if I'm not playing games, the things that I don't wanna be doing, the things that aren't making my dreams a reality, cause brain fog and make me so lost and confused. Yet when I listen to music, it's always happy even though I'm just dreaming my dreams. I don't know why that is. Anyway haven't gamed for 30 days which I'm glad about. I have definitely wondered about going back but something reinstated that I stay away. That was money, besides Nintendo the other big thing I played were free mobile games. And I told you my story about how I wasted all my money on games. Well that's the ugly shit about free mobile games, especially gacha ones. You play it you want more, oh looks like you don't have enough in game coins to unlock this, you need more, how do you get more in real life money!! It's completely fucked up, they literally suck you in then steal your hard earned cash while they don't do anything. I hate it, especially gacha apps, where you always run out of diamonds or whatever and then you have to buy more to keep playing. I hate it, and this is the thing that kept me away. 
 

Anyway yeah today was productive! Fell in a slump a bit but working myself up, something i realized in my slump is i really do like the slow minute by minute life better. Yeah going to try to be more active here, hopefully i am done with college process soon.

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Day 31

 

I think I'm starting to follow through with habits finally. I exercised both today and yesterday, but i shouldn't be so sure yet with how I have been in the past but this is a good sign. I thought of something to make sure i stay active here. I'm probably going to do one in the morning an hour after i wake up, one eating lunch, and one 2 hours before I go to bed. I mean responding of course, while this seems like a lot to remember, I have full confidence in myself to do it. Anyway no games today. Something I have been debating on is whether use social media in moderation or stop using it. Social media like instagram and Facebook aren't healthy things to use all the time but they do help me see what news is happening in the world, of course i can read the newspaper, but for my town thats more local news. Also i like seeing what my friends are up to besides text or call. However as aforementioned they can make you extremely unproductive, and they are easy to get sucked into, so let me know what you think. I also have a new motivation, which is, not having my parents be disappointed in me. This is not a fear of mine, but if they're upset or disappointed in me then i become sad, i mean they've worked so hard to raise me right, so it's only right i show them they did their job, that's one. Another one is my own personal things, like my dream car. I know that a car is not something that defines a person and im not looking to accomplish my dream for money or a car or a fancy house, it's just you know it's something that's out there and i wanna give it a shot. Also not letting myself down is a big factor. I haven't learned to trust myself because i have let myself down so many times. But if i do the things i say i do, then i will trust myself more. Speaking of i saw this great youtube comment which said, "If you have lost control, know that there is a cycle: thoughts feelings and actions. Change one of them persistently, and all will be changed." (User: Sina A) I liked this as thoughts feelings and actions are a cycle. For me my thoughts and feelings have really have conflicted with working towards goals, and instead of taking the hard road taking the easy road, it's not until i actually move myself that they come along. So for me i find if i keep forcing myself to do things my brain will automatically want to do them after a while. So yeah that's why i really liked that comment. 
 

Anyway i hope you all have a great day

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Day 32

Today was half and half. First part was very productive, then i finished my homework and went straight to my phone. However compared to my slump i mentioned before, this was way better.

I'll have to wake up tomorrow to make up a math quiz I missed, which means I will probably go to bed early to be able to wake up at 6 AM so I can have one hour for wellness and one hour for my dream, which instead of focusing on fiction just all writing. I'll probably listen to a podcast or watch a video on the history of writing. 
 

Today no games, however after my studies I spent a while on social media while I could have spent it reading or doing college work, but even so, I feel like today, i received an equal amount of dopamines both passive and active. In the future I'm looking for more of the active dopamine. 
 

Ended my day out with listening to music, I decided to switch it up from Set it Off (super underrated band, i recommend them) and listen to something else, I picked electronic music and I have to say it's pretty good. I mean this is coming from a person who likes all music so... 

Tomorrow, I'm planning on buckling down on studies again, to help with not wanting to let my parents or myself down, I am going to start working on an assignment when they first assign it. I have still a bit of work to catch up on so I will probably do that when I wake up at 6 so goodnight everyone.

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Day 33

My phone got the best of me today, however I did get a lot more on my to do list done than I thought I did so that's nice. I'm going to finish up the night by finishing up some homework, writing more of my novel, working out and reading, which is a lot but I know I can do it. Besides using my phone for the past few days a lot more than I'd like to, I am noticing a shift in my happiness and behavior. So that's good. I go into school tomorrow so I wanna get up early. In fact speaking of school, first quarter grades come out this week. Pretty much I know what my grades are so I'm pretty excited but still just that's something. 
 

No games like usual, and something I noticed is that even though I do stuff on my phone, I'm the one who lets that keep happening for hours, and I can resist it the same amount of time to, I control everything I do. Other than that not much has happened, anyway see you all tomorrow 

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