Chronicles of a Fighter

[mks]

Cooking is really fun! Trying new dishes is also something I wanna do more. Really love cooking for people.

[TheNewMe2.0]

Sorry they were unkind to you about your religion. We've all got to coexist to live together.

[Bird By Bird]

I'm glad that you told your buddies that would not tolerate such behaviour. People will disrespect any person, culture or religion unless they assert themselves.

It's important to tell other people about our boundaries, and then act to defend those boundaries when infringed upon. Even if it is hard sometimes.

Edited September 29, 2020 by Bird By Bird

[Arthur]

It feels good reading your words of support. I'm a proud guy so I was never a pushover. Also, In general I don't care what other people think of my life choices. I was always an oddity and I learned how to handle being thought of as such. I have my own goals, my own dreams and ideals and when others find it silly I learned not to give it any attention. 

But it's different with friends. I don't insist they share my dreams or ideals, but they have to respect them and not be an obstacle for them. I noticed a while ago I shouldn't consider those guys my close friends, moments such as this just prove me right.

Anyways guys, I'll be back tomorrow evening with my journal. I made a plan for the next 10 days, so we will see how it will turn out.

Edited September 29, 2020 by gargamel

[Haymitch]

Planning ahead is a good idea I think.

[Arthur]

Entry 14:

Got out of bed: 08:00

• made coffee, washed the dishes
• watched anime for 2 hours
• ate breakfast, had a shower
• organized my hard-drive (deleted things such as study materials,
  books in pdf, made a couple of useful folders, cleaned up my desktop)
• went on an hour long bike-ride
• returned 4 borrowed books to library
• watched my brother play Magic: the Gathering for 2 hours (didn't trigger me to crave gaming)
• replied to a couple of e-mails related to my university
• listened to a chapter of LotR audiobook
• helped with preparing dinner
• learned about different american-style BBQ sauces
• spent an hour in the supermarket buying certain spices and ingredients I want to play with
• spent some more time at home making test-sized sauces, getting accustomed to things like halapeno hot sauce and the like
• spent over an hour replying to @Phoenixking about forgiveness. It's a topic that hits close to home and I hope I helped
• chatted with my little sister about school and school trips. 
• here I am, I'm going to meditate now and go to sleep

Wasted time: 6 hours. I could've easily translated an important chunk of my chapter instead of watching my brother game.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for having so many opportunities to better myself.

@Haymitch Planning is essential for my success. Weeks i don't plan for are usually serioulsy inferior to ones I plan out.

Edited September 30, 2020 by gargamel

[Haymitch]

Well, you won't be offended if I copy this kind of structure to my journal?

[Arthur]

3 minutes ago, Haymitch said:

Well, you won't be offended if I copy this kind of structure to my journal?

Copy it freely. I wont get offended at all. 🙂

[Haymitch]

This will defenitely help me with planning aswell.

[BooksandTrees]

16 hours ago, gargamel said:

Chunk of my chapter instead of watching my brother game

You only have one brother and it's important to socialize and connect with others. I don't think this is a waste of time. If you were shooting heroin I'd say that's a waste of time. 

[Arthur]

@BooksandTrees You are right. I put socializing on the minimum, so I must be careful not to over-isolate myself. Spending time with my brother shouldn't be considered a waste of time.

Entry 15:

Got out of bed: 07:30

• made coffee
• spent an hour on Youtube and Reddit
• had breakfast
• cleaned around the house
• spent a lot of time washing the curtains (it was irritating putting them off and especially back on once they dried)
• listened to LotR audiobook for half an hour
• listened to music for an hour
  (just discovered a masterpiece , 11/10 atmospheric black metal, I know I'll be listening to this for the next few months)
• had a shower
• made dinner, ate too much
• washed the dishes
• listened to a portion of that album again while sippin on some more coffee
• meditated, it was effortless today
• worked on translating for 2 hours
• here I am, I'll probably be awake for 2 more hours max
• Edit: Did a strength workout and went to sleep short after

Time wasted: around 2h and 30min. I was productive today, but I could've found at least 2 more hours for translating.

Yeah, so... I'll have to put a few more hours a day to finish the translation by October 4th. I guess I should've made a shorter deadline and just be done with it, hahaha. 
Generally I'm feeling really good. It's October 1st guys, 3 more months until the end of 2020. I'm hyped.

Daily gratitude: Just grateful in general. Also, grateful I'm becoming more responsible in small ways, such as immediately writing stuff down so I don't forget them later.

Edited October 2, 2020 by gargamel

[TheNewMe2.0]

How come you're hyped about 2020 ending? 

[Arthur]

@TheNewMe2.0 I'm excited about things that are ahead of me in the next 3 months. I was concerned with passing long-overdue exams, and making long-overdue life adjustments, so now I'll finally be able to work on some "new goals". So it's a private hype. On a world scale there doesn't seem much to be hyped about. But nevertheless I try to look at the positives.

Entry 16: appropriately unstructured

This 2 days blend into one, because yesterday in the evening I went to a house party (squad of my female friends) and 4 of us (a friend and her BF, Veronika and I) stayed until 5 in the morning. I had minimum sleep and spent the next day on celebrating my father's birthday. We had a BBQ, and I made 2 sauces, one of them was really good and everybody loved it, so  that's great.

2 really interesting, social days. A bit much for a guy who got used to his solitude, but I loved it. Veronika seemed anxious, negative, insecure and a bit on the edge (not towards me, but in general. Me and her had a friendly banter going on). I'm not sure what's happening with her life, but it's obvious it's not on a particularly positive trajectory. I have a strong inkling that she will approach me next year and ask for help and advice. And I am already afraid of my feelings for her (both positive and negative, but especially my romantic feelings) and my "savior" attitude. I'll have to resist the temptation to counsel her. Don't even ask why, our relationship is ridiculously muddled and "stained".

I'm really tired, gonna take a shower, meditate and go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a simple and productive day. See ya, and best of luck guys.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for getting an e-mail from administration saying that I completed the process and got accepted to a double major program. Once again grateful for every person that helped me along the way.

Edited October 3, 2020 by gargamel

[TheNewMe2.0]

That's cool. You're taking care of things that you've been wanting to work on for a long time. I bet it feels good. Things sound complicated with Veronika, though that banter sounded nice. Hope things go well with you guys. Congrats on being a double major.

[Arthur]

@TheNewMe2.0 Yes. It feels as if a curse was broken hah.

Also, things are complicated with Veronika, mixture of so many emotions... but I thought about it and I see similarities between my problems with her and my former problems with my dad. We have an underlying grudge, suppressed anger towards each other. I need to get over those feelings. Details aside, she completely ghosted me 2 years ago while we had a fresh romantic relationship going on. (yes, without explanation at that time)* 3 months after, she explained herself and again expressed feelings towards me and a want to date me, but said she needs to "sort herself out first". At that point I didn't have anymore patience with her so I said I'm done with it. So I'm left with a grudge and unresolved emotions.

* I ghosted people a couple of times in the past, so I guess I deserved it. 

Entry 17:
(without order)

• had a good sleep
• watched anime for a couple of hours (watching Hunter x Hunter. It's good)
• read materials for my university
• meditated 
• had a cardio workout
• hanged out with my mom
  (didn't see each other for over a month, we are both introverted so this happens a lot)
• did laundry and dishes

P.S. a month ago I went from washing my hair every day to washing it 2 times a week, and I love the change, it doesn't grease so fast anymore.
I learned "overwashing" is a thing, and it's harmful to your hair and scalp, so i wanted to share that with you.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for my grandma, she brings joy to my life in small pockets every day.

Edited October 7, 2020 by gargamel

[TheNewMe2.0]

Yeah sounds like it needs it's time and space to heal and grow. Do what you can that's all you can do. Hopefully you'll be fine and things will work out ok.

[Arthur]

Entry 18: 

Got out of bed: 08:00

• had my morning coffee, listened to music
• had a short meditation
• watched multiple tutorials on how to utilize Excel
• made american pancakes (had them with maple syrup for the first time, pretty tasty)
• went to my moms place to print some papers I need to send by mail (uni related)
• vacuumed my room and cleaned it a bit
• watched anime with my brother and younger sister
• went to the gym (it's good to be back doing heavy lifting. Steve went with me)
• googled the shops that have (sort of rare) ingredients I want to cook with, written down their location
• went to a coffee shop in the evening with Steven, chatted about random things for an hour or so
• had a long meditation

Time wasted: None. I decided I'll take it easy.

Next week my uni starts so I'll switch priorities from anime to study and earning some cash.

Daily gratitude: Grateful that I haven't lost much physical strength in the past 2 months. Grateful for being able to maintain a positive attitude.

@TheNewMe2.0 I'm not sure what it needs. Romantic feelings never seem to completely leave me once I form them towards a person. So I won't even try to "get over her". I just need to get over the grudge. I have hopes meditation will help me.

Edited October 9, 2020 by gargamel

[Ikar]

37 minutes ago, gargamel said:

@TheNewMe2.0 I'm not sure what it needs. Romantic feelings never seem to completely leave me once I form them towards a person. So I won't even try to "get over her". I just need to get over the grudge. I have hopes meditation will help me.

An interesting fact of life seems to be that every relationship experience changes you for the next relationship, so your final partner ends up with you - not the least a conglomerate of influences from your Xs. In a way, the story of a man dating a woman is always the same and never ending.

[TheNewMe2.0]

Good luck. Forgiveness is good albeit very difficult to offer at times. Hope your grudge dissolving goes well.

[Arthur]

On 10/9/2020 at 10:21 AM, Ikar said:

An interesting fact of life seems to be that every relationship experience changes you for the next relationship, so your final partner ends up with you - not the least a conglomerate of influences from your Xs.

@Ikar Even though it would be false to say that previous relationships do not influence the way we perceive relationships, or what we (initially) seek in a person, I don't see any reason to emphasize this to a point of calling yourself a "conglomerate of influences". It is often the case that influences lose their grip on us after we get away from them for a while. I feel I matured in my relationships, but I don't personally feel like I changed in my core.

@TheNewMe2.0 Thank you. I managed to forgive some difficult things in the past, so I should be able to get over this as well. It's often the case that we don't want to forgive, we cling to our disappointments, we "wear the grudge like a crown" to quote Tool. It's weird, I have difficulty letting go of an imagined future with her. It's just drilled into my mind that we are meant for each other. Even though I might not think about it for months, it's still there. I cringe at the possibility of me being that guy who is sad because his former love is getting married, lol. I can't let that happen, that's just pathetic. 

Entry 19: 

Didn't feel like writing my daily journals for the last couple of days. They were quite good, positive and productive. I was serious with meditation, I had my first online lecture (and couldn't stop staring at one of the girls, I was seriously considering instantly asking for her number, likely gonna do it next week), I had hardcore gym sessions, my whole body hurts, I cooked, I read for university, all well.

Yesterday I,
Got out of bed: 09:00 

• had coffee
• made breakfast
• washed dishes
• cleaned big containers (100 liters) for pickling cabbage (Slav life)
• watched anime 
• bought myself a piggy bank
• went to Asian store to buy Oyster sauce and Fish sauce
• done laundry
• went to the gym
• meditated

Sadly, my pipe dream of bartending at the nearby coffee shop failed, they are not looking for workers, but I am looking at pages offering jobs and it seems like I'll be able to find a suitable half-time job in a couple of days. 

Daily gratitude: Grateful for being in good health.

Edited October 15, 2020 by gargamel

[TheNewMe2.0]

Yep. Gargamel and Veronika the saga continues. Where will it end up? Only time will tell. We all wish you the best of luck here at the GQ community and will probably be around regardless of what happens. Hopefully you'll marry the love of your life and be happy. Then it'd be fine whatever happens. Maybe you could find a different coffee shop to be a barista at? Fish sauce and oyster sauce are a good combination. My mom doesn't like fish sauce for some reason which is odd because she loves fish and seafood. It's good to be in good health.

[Ikar]

9 hours ago, gargamel said:

@Ikar Even though it would be false to say that previous relationships do not influence the way we perceive relationships, or what we (initially) seek in a person, I don't see any reason to emphasize this to a point of calling yourself a "conglomerate of influences". It is often the case that influences lose their grip on us after we get away from them for a while. I feel I matured in my relationships, but I don't personally feel like I changed in my core.

That's why I added "not the least" in that sentence. I think I have some core traits that would be extremely hard, if not impossible, to change as well. How do you think your relationships matured you?

9 hours ago, gargamel said:

It's weird, I have difficulty letting go of an imagined future with her. It's just drilled into my mind that we are meant for each other. Even though I might not think about it for months, it's still there. I cringe at the possibility of me being that guy who is sad because his former love is getting married, lol. I can't let that happen, that's just pathetic. 

Considering how mystical, close, tainted and tangled relationship you two have, I wouldn't be surprised. There's no point in ruminating over the future now though 🙂

[Arthur]

@TheNewMe2.0 Yeah, I mentioned her too much I feel. But yeah, she is important to me, so it is what it is. Yeah, I hope I'll marry a good woman I love one day, whom ever she is. I am a child of a failed marriage so I deeply hope I can make smarter choices and try harder and have a happy family if I end up marrying. As for my job, I figured I probably should look elsewhere because almost no coffee shop or pub is looking for new employees bcuz of COVID. 
@Ikar Being there for a person, and seeing that she not only deeply loves me but also that her happiness depends on me made me cognizant of responsibility I have to make lives of people I love bearable and enjoyable. Also, she healed a wound I had. Basically, my parents seemed to never let go of any bad thing I would do and they would mention my failures even after it was both way in the past as well as after I apologized. She showed me that people who love really can let things go, and I really wished to find that one day. Also, breaking up with her was emotionally the most difficult thing I had to do in my life, so it involved some "manning up" and being direct, as well as it made me aware I need to really be careful with my life decisions, I never again want to break a girls heart like I broke her's. There are more way more things to mention, but I'll stop at that.

Entry 20:

Got out of bed: 07:30 (working on waking up earlier again)

• made coffee
• did some job searching on the internet, wrote down contacts
• wrote my entry (but forgot to submit it 5 hours lol)
• listened to music
• hanged a bit with my brother
• made spring rolls for the first time (with sweet and sour dip)
  it was a lot of work, but they turned up tasty. My family loved it.
• spent the rest of the day with Veronika,
  we had a cup of coffee in our favorite place, walked around the rainy city, and then she
  insisted we go to a restaurant, she had a good bonus and wanted to buy me dinner to celebrate
• I got home rather recently, initially wanted to go to the gym but I'm tired
• going to meditate, take a shower and go to sleep

My afternoon with Veronika was interesting. I mostly listened to her (she talks a lot). Gladly she doesn't have any new problems, but she is still struggling badly with her past problems (she is seeing a psychotherapist now), I didn't even need to ask about anything. Without going into detail, today's talk made me remember I felt our relationship was stifled because she was projecting traumas from previous relationships onto me, she accused me and misinterpreted my intentions more than once. Today she spent an hour talking about her relationship that ended 7 years ago, guy (her longest relationship) was an inconsiderate douche in a really difficult situation. She often mentions old things that still vividly bother her, not only about him but about a wide variety of things, be it her brother, or me, or her old bff, et cetera. So, ironically enough, I was put into a situation to give comfort and advice for letting go while I struggle to let our own failed romance go, but I don't think I said anything hypocritical. Gods are laughing.

Funny thing is. This morning I dreamed 2 dreams that we were a couple. Man. I don't know what to say. I didn't dream about her for a while. I'll tag @Icandothis just because for some reason I feel she will laugh at me, and seriously deserve to be laughed at. Have a good day guys.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for all the good sleep I am getting lately.

P.S. She didn't ask for advice or help directly - yet. But it seems likely I was correct in assuming that will happen in the next year. 

Edited October 15, 2020 by gargamel

[Ikar]

9 hours ago, gargamel said:

Funny thing is. This morning I dreamed 2 dreams that we were a couple. Man. I don't know what to say. I didn't dream about her for a while. I'll tag @Icandothis just because for some reason I feel she will laugh at me, and seriously deserve to be laughed at. Have a good day guys.

I hardly ever remember my dreams, but this Monday I dreamt about kissing "Girl A" and before I woke up today, I dreamt about seeing my X's family, including her - it felt as if I was a part of it. I don't know what to say either.

[TheNewMe2.0]

I don't mind you talking about her. It's normal for you to do so. I kind of tried to not talk about work but that's kind of what I talk about and this is my only place I really talk about it so I've continued. I think it's fine to share whatever you feel like sharing on here, I don't judge. It's good you're able to stay friends with her even as you let go of your failed romance as you put it.