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Chronicles of a Fighter


gargamel
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Hello forum. 4 months ago I started my successful journey of overcoming my gaming and porn addiction here, with your help. I knew I won the battle even 2 or 3 weeks in, I just felt I am not coming back to those false substitutes for a life not lived. Quickly my first journal came to be about my daily struggles, emotions and thoughts; about creating healthy, beneficial habits, such as:

  1. getting up early,
  2. avoiding useless socialization
  3. cleaning around the house
  4. learning how to cook
  5. meditating each and every day, et cetera

And I succeeded in those things I mentioned, as well as others. Now I am making this new journal because I want to completely revamp the way I write my journals and change the direction of it.
I got my peace of mind I was aiming for, now I want to get a life. I want to become a fully functional, self-reliant, hard-working man who gets things done. 

So, instead of all the inner musings, long tangents about inner struggle, philosophical thoughts and dreams I have when I go to sleep, this journal will be primarily about actions made, goals attempted, stepping stones crossed.

In the following months my goals are:

  1. passing as much exams as will be possible
  2. getting a part-time job after exams
  3. working out like a beast again, not only gym but getting into jiu-jitsu
  4. getting my driving license
  5. eventually getting back to my youtube project

And each day shall be measured in accordance to those goals and none other. Wish me luck, and I hope some of you will accompany me on this ride. I feel pumped and ready.

Edited by gargamel
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Entry 1:

Got out of bed: 04:50

  • Washed the dishes and made coffee, had a chat with grandma
  • Fed the fish, watered the plants
  • Finished creating this thread around 07:00
  • Made myself eggs with avocado
  • Translated for an hour
  • took a shower and meditated until 9:30
  • Translated for 5 hours straight (finished my chapter)
  • vacuumed the 2nd floor
  • Went for a half hour bike ride
  • Went to my mother for dinner in 16:00, asked for the recipe
  • Spent time with my family and my sister's boyfriend
  • Got back home around 19:00
  • spent an hour checking my translated chapter for mistakes and inconsistencies
  • watched youtube for half an hour
  • ate some watermelon and here I am
  • I'll be going to sleep soon
  • Edit: just took a shower, and I'll listen to LotR audiobook until I fall asleep, good night guys

Time wasted: 00:00 (I feel utterly spent, in a good way)
Daily gratitude: Grateful for today's concentration.

Edited by gargamel
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52 minutes ago, gargamel said:

Entry 1:

Got out of bed: 04:50

  • Washed the dishes and made coffee, had a chat with grandma
  • Fed the fish, watered the plants
  • Finished creating this thread around 07:00
  • Made myself eggs with avocado
  • Translated for an hour
  • took a shower and meditated until 9:30
  • Translated for 5 hours straight (finished my chapter)
  • vacuumed the 2nd floor
  • Went for a half hour bike ride
  • Went to my mother for dinner in 16:00, asked for the recipe
  • Spent time with my family and my sister's boyfriend
  • Got back home around 19:00
  • spent an hour checking my translated chapter for mistakes and inconsistencies
  • watched youtube for half an hour
  • ate some watermelon and here I am
  • I'll be going to sleep soon
  • Edit: just took a shower, and I'll listen to LotR audiobook until I fall asleep, good night guys

Time wasted: 00:00 (I feel utterly spent, in a good way)
Daily gratitude: Grateful for today's concentration.

Woah, seems you’re doing great. I wanna try to be as productive as you.

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Entry 2:

Got out of bed: 04:40

  • made coffee, washed some dishes, tidied up the living room a bit
  • researched (from 05:15 to 06:15) needed literature for one of the
    exams and finding where can i borrow/read it
  • spent  an hour on the forum, writing replies to @Ikar
  • made sandwiches, fed the fish, watered the plants
  • took a shower
  • totally butchered my toe with a recently ingrown nail, making it worse
  • spend an hour and a half on my bike, going to several 
    public libraries for my literature
  • Studied for 1 hour
  • meditated until 13:00
  • Studied for 2 hours
  • my toe started to hurt badly, I was losing focus because of it
  • decided I'll take ibuprofen so I can focus on studying;
    It made me really sleepy instead
  • slept until 16:30
  • still felt tired and dazed
  • had dinner and went with my father to my families doctor, he had an appointment
  • our doctor is out in the suburbs
  • when we had to drive home, our car's windshield wiper didn't work and it was raining heavily
  • we broke the law and drove back home anyways, it was wild
    even driving 35 km/h, we could see only maybe few meters ahead
  • came back around 19:30, and I've been watching youtube
  • I decided I'll study for half an hour more and go to bed soon

Time wasted: I would say around 4-5 hours. Toenail and ibuprofen did me in.
Daily gratitude: Grateful of waking up today with same pumped up mentality as the day before. Grateful for the coming autumn, I love autumn.

@WhoCares @Ikar @Erik2.0 Thanks for all the support. 

Edited by gargamel
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Apparently I was 9 days away from this forum. Time flies extremely fast for me. It feels like 5 or 6 days ago. Anyways, I'm going to write today's entry and then I'm gonna rant a bit.

Entry 3:

Got out of bed: 09:00

  • made coffee, made breakfast
  • took a shower
  • meditated for around 40 minutes
  • watched youtube videos about haircare
  • did laundry
  • organised my to-do list regarding exams
  • studied for 3 hours
  • had launch/dinner
  • studied for 3 more hours
  • went to nearby library (short bike ride), studied for another hour
  • Back home, I ate a bit, and "rested" until now, scrolling through instagram (around half an hour)
  • I'm writing this journal entry now
  • Later I'm going to send emails to professors regarding my exams (for 1 exam I needed to answer to 14 preliminary questions)
  • Gonna take a shower and go to sleep, hopefully I will be able to fall asleep bcuz my adrenaline is elevated

Time wasted: About an hour. 
Daily gratitude: I'm grateful of having pretty decent focus and relative peace of mind once I start studying.

I'm not going to recap my missing week. Right now I cant even remember the way I spent first 3-4 days, but I was procrastinating. Last 3 days I was getting accustomed to the fact there is no possible way I will be able to pass all the needed exams to finish my 4th year, and graduate next year. I had 2 months time to prepare, and I wasted them on introspection and reading books that are not for my exams. Less than a month ago it was still possible to get it all done, I can't believe how i managed to delude myself, distract enough to let around 3 weeks time fly by, those 3 weeks of distraction will cost me another year.

But, I need to keep today's pace of study and pass as much exams as I can. If I keep this pace, I will have a manageable amount of exams left for my winter exams: Right now, I am hoping I can find a silver lining in my failure, and use this extra year until graduation to get a double major (philosophy and literature) instead of only philosophy major. But that depends on my ability to pass required exams in the next 2 weeks to be eligible to enter.

Wish me good luck guys, I need it.

Edit: Just to make things clear, I needed to pass a bit over a year's worth of exams to be able to finish my 4th year. That's really a lot. I am not overestimating myself, you can read in my last journal that I knew I needed around 2 months of study for it. But somehow I managed to... forget it in the meantime? This is an enigma to me. I am disappointed in myself.

 

Edited by gargamel
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13 hours ago, gargamel said:

Apparently I was 9 days away from this forum. Time flies extremely fast for me. It feels like 5 or 6 days ago.

I'm not going to recap my missing week. Right now I cant even remember the way I spent first 3-4 days, but I was procrastinating. Last 3 days I was getting accustomed to the fact there is no possible way I will be able to pass all the needed exams to finish my 4th year, and graduate next year.

I feel the same about my last week as well. It's as if all I can remember is having a flu, not exercising and time just flying by. I know I have all the things I did in my Google Calendar, but most of it just seems insignificant or distant. It's some weird flux.

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Entry 4:

Got out of the bed: 06:15 

  • made coffee, washed dishes
  • studied for an hour
  • made sandwiches, listened to music a bit
  • studied for an hour
  • took a shower
  • meditated for 30 minutes
  • spent an hour and a half finishing up my mail with 14 answers. I needed to do additional research for one of them that took longer than I thought.
  • did laundry
  • got replies for my mails - spent some time replying back with formal gratitude
  • had a bike ride to the city center library to return a few books and borrow one
  • took almost 2 hours getting there and back, good cardio, good exposure to sun
  • on the way back I went to the gym to pay my membership fee
  • It took me an hour to unwind after an intense bike ride
  • had dinner
  • reorganized my to-do list after a couple of changed plans resulting from replies I got from professors
  • Met at a coffee shop with Steven, spent 2 hours there. We had a good talk and he returned one novel to me.
  • Studied for 2 hours
  • listened to some music
  • And here I am writing this entry
  • After this I'm going to take a shower and go to bed

Time wasted: around 3 hours
Daily gratitude: Grateful that all professors showed good will towards me and organizing my exams. Grateful that it seems very likely I will be able to go for a double major if I continue with my efforts. 

P.S. My toe seems to be healed. Time will tell.
@Erik2.0 Yeah, double major would lead to  more job opportunities. But one of my biggest motivations, besides learning about the history and theory of literature for it's own sake, is to be able to say and write about literature with credibility.

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I am glad there's a chance of going for double major, i am also glad that your toe is feeling better. I hope your efforts lead you great places. For me when I go to college I am thinking of double majoring, or maybe a major and a minor, I am not sure yet, I do know that I would like to major in english/creative writing, and major/minor in psychology. 

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@royal panda I like your choices. I applied for psychology as well, and got accepted but I had bigger interests. Besides, in the meantime I read SO MUCH academic psychology (I often read research papers), psychotherapy (Gestalt, Carl Rogers, behaviorism, cognitive-behavioral therapy), neuroscience, psychoanalysis (Freud, Jung, Jung's students primarily), psychometrics (MBTI, Jung's typology, Big 5, enneagram), evolutionary psychology, biological psychology (such as endocrinology), et cetera, that I can discuss psychology with people who have masters degrees in the subject. But I am not interested that much in doing science research in the field, nor would I want to become a psychotherapist (I have certain reservations towards that whole profession). Can you see yourself in HR or as a counselor one day? Those are often the jobs people end up with when they get psychology degree.

Anyways guys, I took it easy this morning, listened to music, talked with grandma about my father and my aunt. I've been enjoying my atmospheric black metal lately. (it's much less "metal-ly" than you think, quite uplifting, give it a shot)

Edited by gargamel
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I got my masters in psychology and am on the path to becoming a therapist. I'm proof that you don't need to know all that much to do it. I don't do well with reading and studying so I only did enough to pass classes pretty much. Plus I was addicted to drugs part of the time I was in school which didn't help my studying. Still I passed and am going forward. Sounds like you know a lot about psychology. That's cool. What was your favorite topic or books? Writing with credibility would be great. Recognition in your field is awesome and can lead to a lot of opportunities too.

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Day is still not over but I feel like writing my entry, so here I come:

Entry 5:

Got out of bed: 07:30

  • made coffee, spent half an hour on forum
  • made breakfast, had an hour long talk with my grandma about parenting
  • spent more time here on the forum, listened to some music
  • had another talk with grandma about the first marriage of my uncle, I feel sorry for him
  • hanged out with my brother for half an hour, watched him play Magic the Gathering, I'll make sure to avoid it in the next couple of weeks because I want to limit my triggers.
  • studied for 2 hours
  • did laundry
  • started worrying about the professor that didn't answer my mail, he is on sabbatical
  • sent e-mails to secretaries and administrators, got quite flustered
  • I took a shower (with an idea to meditate after)
  • but instead, I sent another mail to the professor and obsessively checked if I got a reply
  • got quite anxious about the whole thing, adrenaline and everything (didn't get a reply)
  • another professor contacted me (the one I sent 14 answers). Turns out she wanted to ask another short question and as far as she was concerned, she thinks
    that I researched the field well and that I deserve an A if I answered adequately even without further skype-call-type examination.
  • Spent some time on my answer, sent it, I think it should be an A
  • this calmed me down
  • then I got contacted by administration, they said they'll contact the professor for me so I guess I'll get my reply tomorrow/soon
  • felt spent, hanged some more with my brother, we watched some youtube and joked a lot
  • I'm here writing this entry now
  • After this I'm going to meditate, take a shower and prepare for tomorrow's rough day of study
  • edit: did what I intended, went to sleep around 23:30

Time wasted: Around 6 hours, mostly by trying to avoid obsessing over not getting an answer

First I took it easy which was OK, but then anxiety got the best of me. I probably wouldn't even get that anxious if I started studying right as I woke up. This subtle things make my problems resurface. Second professor saved me, and the last portion of the day can count as a good battery-fill that will prepare me well for more study.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for finding even more new good ambient music (link), also grateful for the 2nd professor that saved me from further fruitless worry
@Erik2.0 It's difficult to answer what would my favorite topic be, because I'm interested in "everything" more-or-less, but if I focus on what I researched the most - more hard-science topics would be psychometrics, neuroscience (frontal lobes, endocrinology and neuroplasticity) and literature and research about IQ. More philosophical side would be Jung. I read around 4-5 Freud's books before I started getting into Jung, and it was hard at first but I grew to like him way more than Freud. He has a strong spiritual bent which I share, so I found a lot of useful material in his writing. Last book I read that was explicitly about psychology was V. Frankl's "Man in search of meaning", where he outlined his Logotherapy. I loved the book, had some questions after it regarding logotherapy, so I'll likely research it further when I feel like it. 

Btw,  what type of patients are you going to work with? I was interested in psychopathology and personality disorders (such as bipolar and borderline) but I wouldn't want to work with those people, too energy consuming. I would enjoy working as a career/relationship counselor more than a therapist.

Edit: Also, a few months ago I started researching about Maslow. I always disliked "his" pyramid and I wanted to write an essay on it, but then I started reading about the whole thing and it turns out Maslow also critiqued his early work and started developing "trans-personal psychology" which went beyond the pyramid scheme (haha) and is in line with what my critique of Maslow would look like. So I'm hyped to read his later work soon.

Edit 2: Wish me good luck tomorrow, adrenaline will start kicking again. 

Edited by gargamel
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Hm, there are some Jung audiobooks on hoopla. I haven't figured out how to use my local libraries online cataloging system unfortunately. That's epic you read so many of the psychology works. I went to a school for trans personal psychology. It was originally called the institute of transpersonal psychology. They were totally into how the spirit can be involved in psychotherapy. It was a pretty chill school albeit a little disorganized at times. The clients I work with will most likely be suffering from personality disorders. Anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, bipolar, maybe some autism, addiction, etc. I'm already kind of used to this population base so I think it'll be alright. Especially if they're a little older and more together than the kids I see now. Career and relationship counseling would be cool. Those seem rewarding and like more professional, not as casual as normal counseling. I may be slowly getting used to the more standard counseling myself. I like being like a friend to people and loving them as they heal. Then I teach them mindfulness and some therapy worksheets and call it a day. 

 

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Entry 6: last couple of days

To recap - Last couple of days I didn't study as much as I could, but on the other hand I feel like I studied as much as it was necessary. Also, I remembered what I did first couple of days of the month. I read the book about comparative mythology, listened to a couple of chapters of LotR audiobook and went biking to my favorite park, meditated there, and I was loving life. I cooked a couple of dinners, cleaned and did usual gargamel stuff. Also, that first exam ended up being an A as I thought it will. The professor even said that she hopes I continue with my education in literature; which feels redemptive.

Today:

Got out of bed: 06:30

  • made coffee, washed dishes
  • studied for 2 hours
  • ate breakfast
  • took a shower
  • studied for an hour
  • meditated
  • little study, little rest, little study, little rest (last 3 hours before exam I was basically trying to suffer through the w8ing)
  • asked myself random questions about the subjects, made short effective answers to serve as reminders
  • ate pizza with my brother
  • had an exam (14:00 - until 14:30)
  • got an A, professor said we (me and another colleague) made him really happy.
    Basically, he has been examining since 12:00 and it seems like we are first students who were well prepared.
  • rested a bit and checked an essay I wrote
  • now I'm writing this entry. 
  • I need to study, another exam is tomorrow morning and it will require some intensive reading
    so I'll try to have a nap

 Time wasted: 00:00

I can't wait to get my confidence back. I remember when I only had positive stage fright, but would always trust that I'll do well. Now, it's always self-doubt and underestimation. This is a positive step in a right direction, I guess.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for all the positive feedback.

Edited by gargamel
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Entry 7: 

2nd part of yesterday:

  • All went as I wanted. 
  • First I took a nap
  • And rest was spent on reading and taking notes
  • Went to sleep in the midnight

Today: 

Got out of bed: 04:30

  • continued with study
  • had short breaks
  • drank coffee and tea, had breakfast
  • had a half-hour bike ride
  • back to study
  • in 12:15 had an exam
  • was over before 13:00, got an A again
  • chilled with my brother for an hour
  • here I am, writing this journal
  • plan to:
    have a nap
    meditate
    continue with study
    maybe workout a bit if I won't be too tired

Seems like professors are glad I'm finally passing exams.
I missed getting substantive positive reinforcements. I need achievements. This helps with my anxiety. 

Daily gratitude: Grateful for having all of you guys. Grateful for this forum. 

Edited by gargamel
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