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Chronicles of a Fighter


gargamel
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Entry 8: 

Again writing my entry in the middle of the day. Early morning exams destabilized my bio-rhythm. 
Passed another exam, got a C, still I am satisfied - done what I could with the time I had left.
Exam literature was actually really, really good (semiotics), I will read those papers in greater detail when i get the chance.

It seems likely I'll be able to turn my plan into reality. I need to push myself for another week and that's it. 
I hope everything turns up well. I am excited to get back to working out, my muscles are atrophying, but it is what it is. Priorities.

The more that I study - I am more excited about studying. This has been probably the most intensive reading schedule I ever had.
My mind is in on creative overload, I'm writing notes on the side all the time, writing down references, quotes, it's so satisfying.

Need to get some rest now.

Daily gratitude: grateful for getting my full intellectual curiosity back. I think I talked about how I hope it will wake in my previous journal, well, it did.
Edit: Usually I am researching and reading at least something, and I am driven with various motivators and habits to do so. But curiosity I didn't feel for a while,
I often feel compelled to learn about something out of an inner crave for it, like a need that hurts, which is not fun. Curiosity is fun.

Edited by gargamel
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Entry 9:

A lazy day. I'm still having difficulties getting into contact with this one professor. Around 10 days ago he answered my mail and asked to meet up this week, but when I proposed Wednesday and Friday he didn't reply. I later proposed this coming Monday or Tuesday and he still didn't reply. I sent another mail in desperation today so maybe he will answer.
I even asked other professors to contact him, hopefully this doesn't piss him off. Apparently he has a bad family situation going on, close family member is sick, so I am afraid that my "pushiness" will backfire, but i don't have other choice.

  • Spent most of it in my bed looking at entertainment.
  • Didn't even meditate. (I'll do it now, even though it's bed time)
  • Last half an hour i have been planing out my study for the next 2 days
  • I'll need to borrow some books in the morning

My spiritual practice has been slipping. Similar to how my physical workouts were disrupted by exams at the beginning of the summer, I'm now straying away, not giving god and scriptures enough attention, I bet I skipped meditation a couple of days and I didn't even notice. 

First priority after 23rd of this month is to get back to working out and reading scriptures. A couple of days with pure focus on both should be a good building block. 
In October, I'll have to be really deliberate with my time and choices. I have 2 goals for October - jiu-jitsu and a half-time job.

Edited by gargamel
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I am currently in love with life, it is invigorating being under time constraints and having set goals which cannot be delayed yet are realistically doable and interesting. This reminds me of that time I was extremely productive and passionate - that lifestyle was an outcome of myself taking a lot of extra obligations and activities, and it put me in a situation in which I needed to push myself at least 5-6 days a week if I wanted to keep up.

Guys, I'm feeling it. I feel the same I did the first time I quit games. My brain has readjusted, I enjoy working on my future more than I do indulging in sense gratification. After passing these couple of exams my anxiety is diminished and I feel a lot lighter. Every time I take a book and start studying I feel pleasure, joy, focus. I feel back on track. 

This is exactly what I hoped for when I came here a couple of months ago. Coupled with a lot of maturing I went through, it is safe to say this is the best I felt in a loong, loong, loong time. 
I just decided to write a poem, let's see how it turns out.
(45 minutes later)
Here it is, I love it:

Naive

Youngling I have seen
in my father's strut
a dimming shade
light's abate
a dwindle 
a deading
a drought
People called it maturity

Youngling I have heard
in my mother's words
a trembling sigh
hope's recluse
a shudder
a shrinking
mouth well shut
People called it acceptance

No.

Edited by gargamel
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@Icandothis Thank you :) Sending love and infinity energy to you as well. I have you in my prayers.
@TheNewMe2.0 I am glad as well, beyond glad!
@royal panda thank you! It's been a long time I felt an itch to write poetry

Entry 10: 

I'm in my last couple of days of exams, only 1 more exam left (tomorrow morning). Yesterday I finally solved the problem with that professor who wasn't answering. I turned to his colleagues and, yeah, he seems to be going through difficult moments in life... One of the professors stepped in and looked at my analysis and said its somewhere between an A and a B (she was really satisfied with it, yet she felt I needed to incorporate more authors to get a wider scope), I accepted the B because I don't have time for perfectionism. 

I am blessed. Professors were really helpful, lenient and understanding. Maybe they saw I really care for my education despite my previous shortcomings. All in all, it seems I'll be able to get my silver lining and go for a double major, but I won't celebrate before everything is well and done.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for so much. Especially the attitude of my professors. Grateful for my health as well.

 

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Quick update: 

I had to work a few things out with administration over the course of the last few days, and I got some confirmation over e-mail that I done everything required.
Tomorrow, after the exam (that I'll almost certainly pass), I'll have to apply for the graduate program. 
New administration of my uni had made an unreasonably short deadline for whatever reason, so a lot of us will have to turn documentations the last day of the
deadline.

I am having difficulties focusing on study for the last exam. I feel so tired. Too much exposure to stress and andrenaline over the last 2 weeks. I feel like I'll be
able to sleep for 2 days straight. I took a break now, and I've been reminding myself of the last few lines of my favorite poem and. I'll pull through.

Rudyard Kipling - If
[...]
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   
    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
 
Edited by gargamel
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@Icandothis So glad to have you cheering along :) makes me happy

Entry 11: evaluation of the recent events and plans for things to come 

I am so glad I made this decision to pursue a double major. My failure to pass all exams this fall might prove to be a blessing in the long run. 
But, before I start thinking about the future, I need to make few remarks on the last few months:

Spoiler
  • I am still bewildered how I managed to procrastinate with my studies until the beginning of September.
    I needed at least 2 months of intense study to pass all those exams and I knew it at the beginning of summer.
  • On the other hand, I am not bewildered, because I know too well what a combination of anxiety and distraction
    can do to my life. 
  • I am so proud of myself that I managed to take a fighters attitude and not give up despite a difficult situation I
    put myself in
  • I am grateful for the attitude of my professors towards me. They were jovial, supportive, understanding and in
    couple of cases - directly helpful. I still had to prove my knowledge and competence, of course.
    But they helped me along the way. They've also given A LOT of positive feedback and encouragement,
    which. I. did. not. expect. 
  • With those accomplishments, I've finally made first concrete steps towards building my career and being independent.
    Everything up until this was just about health and discipline in general.

Leaving that behind, in the next 5 months I have a lot to do, lots of plans, lots of goals:

  • I need to pass those 5 exams I didn't manage to pass this fall (for reference, I passed 6 exams in 20ish days of intense study, so it's about the same amount of work)
  • This semester, I'll only have 2 lectures a week, one on Monday and another on Friday, so only 2 new exams to pass (7 in total)
  • I need to get a part time job, probably bartending on the weekends
  • get a driving licence (It's fine if I don't do this in the next 5 months, but I need to save enough money to pay for it)
  • start my youtube project
  • get into jiu-jitsu and back to gym
  • I need to translate another chapter of the book until November

This is a lot, but I'm not interested in socializing, it's more than doable with proper planning.
I have it sketched out already but I won't bother you with the details in advance.

This next week I have to:

  • translate the chapter (I estimate it will take me 5 days, every morning I plan to translate for 4 hours)
  • get back to gym (3 workouts a week)
  • need to clean the basement with my father

Other than that, I am getting back to reading holy scriptures, meditating and listening the LotR audiobook (I'm at the 1/4th of the second book)
This is pretty simple week. I know it will turn out fine.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for mantra meditation, it's the single most important thing alongside this forum that facilitated positive changes in my life

mademychoice.png.a613e21bbf3a6dc5ff2541c1531221f1.png

Edited by gargamel
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Entry 12: 

Yesterday I took it easy, slept longer, watched entertainment, hanged out with my brother. I am well rested now. 

Edit: deleted most of my post, don't want to waste your time on nonsense.

 

Daily gratitude: grateful for having a good night sleep. 

Edited by gargamel
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Entry 13: quick recap of last 2 days

Both days I cooked dinner for my family (new recipes, they loved the dishes).
I went to a bar with Steven and our friends, it was all together interesting.
We made some plans to go on a 1-day trip a month from now (hiking, right up my ally).

The only issue was that one of the guys jokingly said "oh yeah, I forgot you are a fucking hindu", and I took offense.
I said that it's out of the line, and today in the morning chatted a bit with them, saying that I will not tolerate that type
of disparaging language. They said that they understand, so this shouldn't happen again.

But in the end, It's worse when I neglect my spirituality than when other's curse or disparage it.
So, I had a long and focused meditation and I let this situation in the past.

Tomorrow I'll be going to the gym, and finally get to translating.

Daily gratitude: Grateful for the peace I found in meditation.

Edited by gargamel
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On 9/24/2020 at 9:22 PM, gargamel said:

Leaving that behind, in the next 5 months I have a lot to do, lots of plans, lots of goals:

  • I need to pass those 5 exams I didn't manage to pass this fall (for reference, I passed 6 exams in 20ish days of intense study, so it's about the same amount of work)
  • This semester, I'll only have 2 lectures a week, one on Monday and another on Friday, so only 2 new exams to pass (7 in total)
  • I need to get a part time job, probably bartending on the weekends
  • get a driving licence (It's fine if I don't do this in the next 5 months, but I need to save enough money to pay for it)
  • start my youtube project
  • get into jiu-jitsu and back to gym
  • I need to translate another chapter of the book until November

This is a lot, but I'm not interested in socializing, it's more than doable with proper planning.
I have it sketched out already but I won't bother you with the details in advance.

This next week I have to:

  • translate the chapter (I estimate it will take me 5 days, every morning I plan to translate for 4 hours)
  • get back to gym (3 workouts a week)
  • need to clean the basement with my father

Good luck with your plans!

7 hours ago, gargamel said:

I went to a bar with Steven and our friends, it was all together interesting.
We made some plans to go on a 1-day trip a month from now (hiking, right up my ally).

The only issue was that one of the guys jokingly said "oh yeah, I forgot you are a fucking hindu", and I took offense.
I said that it's out of the line, and today in the morning chatted a bit with them, saying that I will not tolerate that type
of disparaging language. They said that they understand, so this shouldn't happen again.

That's sounds random in the context. A couple of thoughts:

I think it is exactly why you disassociated with this group of friends to the extent you did. I notice most of my friends nowadays hardly ever use insults and sarcasm in a "friendly" way as a part of the conversation. I used to be a huge trash-talker back when I was on Twitch. I am happy I got rid of most of this, judging from my environment.

The singer/guitarist in my band exhibits a similar behavior at times. I remember the last weekend we got together to practice and it was just the two of us. There were groups of people, along with women that were reasonably attractive passing by. He made a few brutal jokes about them and I think at this point I can say he hates women. Regardless, it might be a good idea to keep a couple of warning examples in our lives.

Lastly, I think it's interesting that it stings, because it shows that you still care about their opinion. I had a couple of these residual thoughts regarding "Girl A" recently, but I just noticed and let them go after noticing they wouldn't even lead to a sensible conversation with her.

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@Ikar I just remembered the context, and it's pretty bad. The guy was making an over-exaggerated half-joking comment that he will be "slashing heretics with the sword", in the manner of edge-lords from 4chan who write "deus vult". I know he is often a childish, attention-seeking edgelord so I didn't take offense and just waved towards him and said with a smile: "Here is a heretic. Try your best." And then he said it "oh yeah... I forgot you are a fucking Hindu..." while facepalming. His emphasis on the word "fucking" is what got under my skin.

It's a conversation you would expect happening between multicultural prison buddies, lol. But I want more class from my friends. 

Quote

I think it is exactly why you disassociated with this group of friends to the extent you did.

You are correct, this is a good example. Irreverence, cynicism and negativity of the group made me disassociate, as well as our was of spending time together - which amounts to drinking a lot of beer in bars, surrounded by clouds of smoke. (on that note - I didn't drink alcohol while they had 4 beers)

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3 minutes ago, Haymitch said:

Heya, I read first to entries of your journal and I really like the structure of it. It's really easy to be read.

I love it as well. Now that I can take more time on this forum, I'll be back writing in that style. It makes me cognizant of the way I spend my time.

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13 minutes ago, Haymitch said:

Good idea! Seems like a good reflection of time spent.
Do you have recipe for eggs with avocado?

I peel the avocado and cut it in half and season it with A LOT of salt, black pepper and Cayenne pepper. Eggs I do the way Gordon Ramsey does, but simple fried eggs would do just fine. Don't worry about overseasoning the avocado, it's almost impossible because it's taste is really neutral without it.

Edited by gargamel
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1 hour ago, gargamel said:

@Ikar I just remembered the context, and it's pretty bad. The guy was making an over-exaggerated half-joking comment that he will be "slashing heretics with the sword", in the manner of edge-lords from 4chan who write "deus vult". I know he is often a childish, attention-seeking edgelord so I didn't take offense and just waved towards him and said with a smile: "Here is a heretic. Try your best." And then he said it "oh yeah... I forgot you are a fucking Hindu..." while facepalming. His emphasis on the word "fucking" is what got under my skin.

It's a conversation you would expect happening between multicultural prison buddies, lol. But I want more class from my friends.

I guess it's "fine" behavior for a teenager, but not someone mid-20 or pushing 30. The prison analogy is on point.

1 hour ago, gargamel said:

You are correct, this is a good example. Irreverence, cynicism and negativity of the group made me disassociate, as well as our was of spending time together - which amounts to drinking a lot of beer in bars, surrounded by clouds of smoke. (on that note - I didn't drink alcohol while they had 4 beers)

I recently found out that I consider this sort of binge drinking as one of the more despicable examples of moral cowardice and I think this for multiple reasons:

a) people engage in it voluntarily; there's no inherent human "need for alcohol"

b) it somehow often serves as a "legitimate" excuse to justify doing "things"; not in the face of the law, but as a per-supposed interpersonal axiom

c) people are intentionally lazy in socializing otherwise; there's not enough time to go on a hike in the afternoon, but there's always time to drink in the evening

etc.

I am aware I have my own demons (most particularly dry masturbation), but I feel it just stands as a more complex problem of its own, whereas quitting alcohol completely is realistic.

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15 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I guess it's "fine" behavior for a teenager, but not someone mid-20 or pushing 30. The prison analogy is on point.

I recently found out that I consider this sort of binge drinking as one of the more despicable examples of moral cowardice and I think this for multiple reasons:

a) people engage in it voluntarily; there's no inherent human "need for alcohol"

b) it somehow often serves as a "legitimate" excuse to justify doing "things"; not in the face of the law, but as a per-supposed interpersonal axiom

c) people are intentionally lazy in socializing otherwise; there's not enough time to go on a hike in the afternoon, but there's always time to drink in the evening

etc.

I am aware I have my own demons (most particularly dry masturbation), but I feel it just stands as a more complex problem of its own, whereas quitting alcohol completely is realistic.

Yeah, he is 26 years old. It's immature. 

I like everything you said about the drinking culture. It's a very un-creative and lazy way of spending time, not to mention it is damaging to your brain.
I initially got into that sort of lifestyle because I was insanely interested in people, their quirks, virtues, dreams and faults - I just wanted to get to know them - so bars just seemed to be a place to do it. But after a while I found myself wasting my life drinking beer 2-3 nights a week (my ex was also a big drinker), and I didn't like it at all.

Edited by gargamel
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