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piece of life, peace of mind


gargamel
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Entry 13 (day 26):

How the day went: It was a good day even though my plan got mixed up badly I am to blame for it. Not to go into unnecessary details, around 1 pm I had to postpone going to the gym for a couple of hours because I impulsively decided to join my brother in watching a new episode of Rick and Morty. Then I decided I will trow out my little sisters toys and all the dusty books out of the living room and that in the end took me 4 hours because it needed to be cleaned as well (I wasn't slacking, living room was CLUTTERED for 6 years). I am proud I did this but it changed the plan further.

Then I went to the gym but I forgot to bring my towel which is a requirement because of COVID, so I lost almost an hour going back home to get it.

Went to the library expecting to borrow a couple of high priority books so I can study for a couple of hours and it was closed, damn it man. Because of COVID they work afternoon every other day.

When I came home my grandma begged me to do the dishes and laundry again (I did it in the morning as well) because her leg hurts too bad, so i just did all that and called it a day.

Thing I shouldn't have done:
I argued for almost a half an hour with my dad about nutrition, it was heated but it wasn't a fight. He has diabetes and is overweight but he uses bigoted logic to disregard every nutritional advice anyone gives him. You might say that it was reasonable that I argued with him, but he is close minded as a defense mechanism and I really shouldn't be fixing other peoples lives when i am still struggling fixing my own. 

Not only did I lose that half an hour, but my head slightly hurt after it because of elevated stress level, also it made me forget that towel. I need to avoid it.

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I want to share with you 3 things that are helping me keep my mind on the right track, maybe they can inspire you too:

1) Uplifting song "Far from where dreams unfurl" by band Wilderun (genre progressive/symphonic metal) - I've recently discovered this song and its as if its speaking directly to me. It talks of a man who wastes his time but is urged by the singer to "run far from where dreams unfurl", "leave your corpse behind", because if you don't you will miss the world and be bitter. And we are all going to die so do it ASAP. 

2) Another song about the running - by Foals (genre indie rock) - It's catchy chorus goes: "If I fall down, fall down then I know to keep on running"

3) Mantra I do almost every day (I think Christians will like it as well): 

Om Asato Maa Sad-Gamaya |
Tamaso Maa Jyotir-Gamaya |
Mrtyor-Maa Amrtam Gamaya |
Om Shaantih Shaantih Shaantih ||

In translation it means:
From the unreal lead me to reality, from darkness lead me to light, from death lead me to immortality, om peace (with the world), peace (with the heavens), peace (within myself)
 

 

Edited by gargamel
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1 hour ago, apatton090 said:

Cool songs!  This is something I came across recently I thought was very inspiring: link.

Hey @apatton090! Yeah, such a cool machine he made! I've seen it a few years ago, great find :)

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9 hours ago, gargamel said:

@Fagus Thank you for the compliments man. I think that meditation is one of the key components for almost every positive step I've taken in the last month. It puts me in a right attitude.

This is so true. My first week without games was really easy, then it suddenly became almost unbearable. I now discovered, that I started the process of quitting after I had some insights from meditation. These insights slowly faded away, because I was not activley working on it. Now I try to get back to the right attitute.

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Thanks for your well wishing. Good for you getting away from LoL. I think my life is better than it was since I walked away too.

Edited by Erik2.0
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18 hours ago, gargamel said:

Another song about the running - by Foals (genre indie rock) - It's catchy chorus goes: "If I fall down, fall down then I know to keep on running"

I saw Foals live 4 years ago. They're pretty good. I enjoy the song. Sometimes I depend on adrenaline and powerful music to push me in the direction I want to go.

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21 hours ago, gargamel said:

But this time it was different. I didn't just stop playing. I decided I will never play video games for the rest of my life. Also, deleting your prized LoL account feels like trowing away Pokemon cards you collected during childhood and trowing all the medals and trophies you've got playing in the high school football team at the same time. But I wanted to do it. Liberating feeling in the end.

This really resonated with me. I did two different detoxes, 30 and then 60 days, and both of those times I decided to go back to gaming.
This time I feel like I really don't want to go back, even though I wasn't entirely sure at first, but I like who I am when I'm not gaming so much better.
I'm happier and more productive, and more at ease when relaxing and not being productive. I no longer constantly feel like I have something to get done.

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I am truly grateful seeing all of your responses. This is a great community.

14 hours ago, Fagus said:

This is so true. My first week without games was really easy, then it suddenly became almost unbearable. I now discovered, that I started the process of quitting after I had some insights from meditation. These insights slowly faded away, because I was not activley working on it. Now I try to get back to the right attitute.

@Fagus I have dedicated much of my life to reading and thinking, and I've realized a few years ago that every important insight you get will not be lived by unless you are constantly reminded of it. You cannot just "store" that type of knowledge as you store some random fact - you need to replenish your connection with it. Meditation is for me that type of a daily reminder. I urge you to go back to meditation if it already bore fruit in your life.

2 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

This really resonated with me. I did two different detoxes, 30 and then 60 days, and both of those times I decided to go back to gaming.
This time I feel like I really don't want to go back, even though I wasn't entirely sure at first, but I like who I am when I'm not gaming so much better.
I'm happier and more productive, and more at ease when relaxing and not being productive. I no longer constantly feel like I have something to get done.

@GrainSiloEnthusiast Then I hope you don't go back to gaming. For me, mental well-being is much more important than a couple of hours of mindless fun a day, and I would rather quit gaming than play it in moderation, although moderation proved not to be possible for my addiction-prone brain.

Entry 14 (day 27):

Today I feel like keeping it short and simple. Everything went pretty much according to plan and I studied for 2 hours. 

I planned to study around 3 and a half hours, but I spent almost half of that time struggling to keep focus and motivating myself to study. I need to train my brain again to focus on mentally exhausting material that doesn't necessarily intrinsically interest me. I plan to push myself every day and study for ever increasing amount of time, with my goal being studying for 6-8 hours effectively. This is necessary if I plan to pass my exams.

Other than that, it was more or less a flawless day. Gym, chores, meditation, study, and I watched anime movie Ghost in a Shell with my brother and it was aesthetically incredibly impressive.

Mood was generally great, except I felt a crave for female attention in the evening hours. 

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Was ghost in the shell on Netflix? I know they have the series on there now. Good luck studying. Are you using Pomodoro method?

 

Edited by Erik2.0
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18 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Was ghost in the shell on Netflix? I know they have the series on there now. Good luck studying. Are you using Pomodoro method?

 

Not sure on what we watched it. My brother has netflix so it might be?

I don't know about the Pomodoro method. I'll google it 🙂

Entry 15:

Another quick one because I am not even on my laptop and I slept for 3 hours today.

First part of the day went as planned, except I didn't have enough time to buy skin care products, but that was not urgent so its fine. I studied again for 2 hours, didn't have time to study for longer, busy day.

Then I went to my friend birthday and it was great. Had fun but I am extremely tired now because of it, we drank a looot. I think I had 8 craft beers and 2 vodka shots.

Veronika asked me in the morning if everything is fine between us because she senses something. We talked about us a bit, I told her that I sometimes ask myself should things have been different beetween us, but also that I am not in a place to really question it seriously because I have so much things to fix and do in my life.

She said she understands where my head is at, and we basically agreed to not talk about it for the time being. 

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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

Hope things go well with Veronika. 

EDIT; tl;dr - OP continues to babble about his unimportant failed love stories. But I will enjoy reading this later in my life.

...

One moment I feel like she is perfect for me and another moment I feel like she is far from it. But I guess "perfect" relationship is something you grow into and not something you find. 

Things could go well in numerous ways with us two. I just don't want either of us to suffer again because of eachother, which is almost impossible in the long run.

If we will remain just friends, I hope I'll find as good of a girl as her. I know they exist but you need to be lucky to stumble upon a girl like that and for her to not be in a relationship and so on and so on, a lot of circumstances need to align.

I absolutely adore and love women, and women generally love me. But on a deeper level I am extremely picky. 

One of the reasons is that I only look for highly intelligent women (for example -top honors in university, intellectually curious, verbally gifted, well read).

After I had a relationship with a couple of them I just cant settle for anything less anymore. 

So she basically needs to beautiful, incredibly intelligent, womanly, wants to have a family, kind, adventures, artsy and at least open minded to my spirituality if not already on the same or similar path. Lol. Its strange but I am for some reason confident to a point of certainty that I will end up marrying a woman like that.

Veronika actually checks out on every point, this is what urks me and scares me.

Other than her, there was a girl a year ago (we know eachother from uni for a long time, she knows me from a time I was a high achiever, before my depressions and return to gaming), lets call her Scarlet, who checked out on everything except she didn't even "believe in relationships anymore" and lived an unhealthy Beatnik type of life. We couldn't work further from the initial fascination with eachother. Edit: Scarlet wasn't kind. We had an elitist sort of connection (she is from an influential political family) and she loved to judge and ridicule others behind their back, and regretfully I often joined her in that. 

Edited by gargamel
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Glad you fell out of things with Scarlet. That didn't sound like it was going well. Veronika sounds nice. I don't have much else to say other than I hope things work out there, whatever's supposed to happen. Relationships can be complicated sometimes. It's not so easy to just make something into a relationship or know if it's the right time to try to date. And you don't want to lose the friendship either. 10 Years is a long time though. Congrats on staying friends for so long. I think it's a smart idea that you're being careful with that.

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@Erik2.0 yeah, we made promises to eachother that we will not fuck up our friendship. This is as much as I can chew at the moment anyways. I am still fed up with mine and Veronika's drama from a year or so ago, we became so resentful towards one another.

But thats the story for some much later time. I wont be focusing on my love life for the next month. Studying and living healthy is all I should be doing.

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Entry 16 (day 29):

I slept for 3 hours, went with my brother, mother and grandparents to our cottage in the countryside to do some renewal work on it and have a barbecue (lots of barbecues in my life lately, lol). I am especially proud of myself because this was my idea and i put it into motion. We had a good time and did some good work removing the old rotten plaster with chisels and hammers. Me, my brother and grandad made a plan to make wine in September, we have barrels to fill more than 600 liters if we want to. I am really exited about this.

Rest of the day was spent in my bed, still recovering from the hangover. I didn't meditate, didn't work out, didn't study. i was spent and just waited for my mind to be as sleepy as my body so I can get some good night sleep. 

P.S. I've noticed I was making a lot of excuses for myself in the last few days. I am stopping with this mindset.

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13 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Glad to hear you have some non-screen activity planned with your family. Sounds like good bonding time.

@Erik2.0 Yeah! My family is starting to fix a lot of inter-personal issues we've had in the past. Things like this helped a lot.

Entry 17 (day 30): 

Yesterday was a perfect Sunday.

Mood: Perfect 

Summary: Started the day with an hour long meditation. Later I did a lot of cleaning around the house again. Vacuumed the dust and and deep-rubbed our parquet floors (this hasn't been done in years). Then I went to the gym with my friend Steven. Later we went to a bar and discussed some personal and social matters. We had a 3 hour long conversation about values and dignity. I had to voice my disgust with a distasteful meme he shared of the death of George Floyd. His "edgy" humor is repulsive. 

To my surprise, his reaction to my criticism was great. He wasn't defensive and it seems like he understood where I was coming from, so that was pretty great. In the evening I chatted a bit with my grandma, watched my brother practice with his electric guitar and listened a bit of music. Didn't study at all because I've already read the material I've borrowed from the library and it was Sunday so I couldn't get me more. I should've went to the library on Friday, I miscalculated and thought I will be able to borrow new books Saturday morning, but you know how that went.

I'm ok with it, because I plan to study today for at least 4-5 hours.

P.S. I was irregularly talking on instagram with this one girl I didn't mention yet. Let's call her Mia. Fit, sexy look in her eyes, artsy (goes to galleries regularly), interested in philosophy, does yoga. We've met a year ago, she approached and asked me for my number at one university conference. At that time I was still in my drama with Veronika so I hesitated. Anyways, I semi-asked her out a few days ago and she accepted, but I realized yesterday that I don't have time and shouldn't spend energy on something like that, so I called it off and said I will call her after the exams so we can celebrate together, she accepted. 

EDIT: I want to incorporate daily gratitude into my journal. Today I am grateful for being young and healthy. 

Edited by gargamel
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10 hours ago, gargamel said:

EDIT: I want to incorporate daily gratitude into my journal. Today I am grateful for being young and healthy.

Yay. Welcome to the gratitude train. @BooksandTrees is on it too amongst others. I'm glad to hear your family has mended through doing things together. Sounds like your house is getting a cleaning. I'd like to go to the gym too, but my gym is still closed for corona. Does your brother know a good book to learn how to play music with guitar from?

Edited by Erik2.0
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Entry 18 (day 31):

Its officially been a month since I've stopped playing video games and almost a month that I stopped watching porn. I'd like to make a monthly recap later!

Summary: Yesterday was, subjectively one of the worst days that I've had in the last month, which is a testament of how good a lot of my days generally where. Anywaays, the problem with yesterday is that I spent too much time doing absolutely nothing, literally laying in my bed staring to a wall or semi-napping, because I was procrastinating with my daily plan.

In the end, I did everything I told myself I should do:

  1. I meditated
  2. I've read some holy texts
  3. written a journal entry
  4. washed the dishes
  5. had a home core workout
  6. bought sunscreen and a face wash 
  7. borrowed literature for exams 
  8. gifted a book I didn't have room for
  9. studied (although only for 3 hours)

Maybe if I studied for an hour or 2 longer like I planned to I would be more satisfied with the day, but it would still be a bad day in my eyes. Because I could've done all of this probably by 4 or 5 pm and then I could maybe watch some good movie, or read more holy texts, or listen to some new music, or go on a bike, or study some more.

But no, I spent so much time in lethargy and some anxiety naturally crept in. The reason why I studied for only 3 hours is because I started studying after 7:30 pm, and I couldn't keep my focus for longer, I got genuinely tired. 
Today I am starting studying at noon, and hopefully I have a more energetic and proactive day.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for the difficult times I've went through. They've made me a better man.

P.S. @Erik2.0 It's good to be on this train 😄 My house is too big for its own good and it got filled with so much unnecessary things. My dad has a hoarding tendency and he never did a lot around the house except maintenance, like fixing a broken bulb or door. So when my mother left 4-5 years ago, this place slowly got worse and worse. About my brother... he is playing on Rocksmith, he is satisfied in his beginner progress.

Edited by gargamel
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1 hour ago, gargamel said:

Entry 18 (day 31):

Its officially been a month since I've stopped playing video games and almost a month that I stopped watching porn. I'd like to make a monthly recap later!

Congrats, @gargamel!!!

I'm almost finish with my first month as well. Recapping is a nice idea. Thanks for the idea!

1 hour ago, gargamel said:

Anywaays, the problem with yesterday is that I spent too much time doing absolutely nothing, literally laying in my bad staring to a wall or semi-napping, because I was procrastinating with my daily plan.

In the end, I did everything I told myself I should do:

Sometimes, it's better to actually do nothing that to mess things up (or exhausted, or the like), in my opinion. 😄 Don't worry about it too much because after all, you have done what you need to do which shows your greater effort despite the feeling of "not in the mood." 👌 

Good luck studying! Looking forward for your 1st month recap. 😁

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Congrats on a month. That's a big milestone. Rocksmith, I see. It seems it would work best with an electric guitar hm. That's great that he's doing well and happy with his progress. I don't know if I'm going to give guitar a try again. I got demotivated with it like I have with so many things. I tend to hit a ceiling in terms of making progress and not know how to do it and then I stop. Maybe a book can help. Your schedule looks good. It sounds like you're going to be doing well at it.

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Thank you guys! You and others helped me push myself further by being kind and supportive.
@chiliflavor I agree it's better to do nothing than to mess things up. 2-3 weeks ago i would consider those napping moments a success, but I have to go beyond it eventually.
@Erik2.0 I suggest you pick up something you would like to do in couple of years from now as well. So if you see yourself playing guitar and enjoying it daily as a life choice and a lifestyle I urge to to buy a book or get a teacher :) Sadly I do not play any instruments

Entry 19 (day 32): 

I'll be quick and to the point because I already spent too much of my morning chillin, haha.

Summary: The day went perfect. I am so proud.

  1. went to the gym
  2. done dishes, laundry, and helped with making dinner (my grandma has broken her leg so Imma be doing this regularly)
  3. meditated
  4. I studied for 4 hours (5 if you count the little breaks)
  5. Did all that in a scheduled way, without almost any slack

Guys, if I continue to have days like this one, I am going to be successful. This day showed me how much willpower I can exert if I try my best. 

P.S. Here's my 30day recap!

Edit: Again forgot about my daily gratitude :) Today I am grateful I live in the developed and peaceful part of the world.

Edited by gargamel
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Yeah that'd be cool to still be juggling or playing guitar. I really hit a dead end with drawing where I feel like I don't know how to progress. I'm checking out a book on it, but I'm not exactly hopeful for that hobby. Sorry about your grandma hope she feels better. Good job studying and being grateful. 

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@Erik2.0 It seems like you are only interested in hobbies you can be really good at? Is the sense of progress the main appeal? Some people draw daily even though they are not that good, but it relaxes them and they enjoy it so they don't care :) (I am not judging you, we are all different, I just want to know). Thank you for the concern for my grandma, hopefully she gets better, but she is on a lot of strong medications for a couple of years already so I doubt she will get better easily.

Entry 20 (day 33):

Sadly I don't have anything to be proud of this entry, but at least it was a pleasant day. First I took it easy, then I started slacking, then I got sleepy, then I lost my will and then I went to sleep. I didn't do almost anything productive, I even lost my sexual restraint and masturbated 3 times. I went to bed 3 hours earlier than usual.

The best part of the day was that I went with my bike to the beautiful park we have in my city. I climbed up on a little hill that freemasons built in 1925, a big falcon statue representing 2 slavic pagan gods. Set beneath the statue in my semi-lotus and calmly watched the beautiful scenery bellow me. This park is a forest with multiple lakes and a lot of cute little passages between the tall old trees. It was a sunny, warm day and a lot of people where jogging, walking their dogs or with their loved ones. I fell into a 15 minute thoughtless trance.

Everything peaceful. All moved slowly and rhythmically as if there was a sacred thread conjoining the graceful shuffling of leaves, careless hopping of kids and singing of birds. All eternal. I missed this place so much, I missed the spring so much. If only it could be spring forever.
(In retrospect, it reminded me of this opening scene of Solaris, just less mysterious and gloomy, and more joyful, sunny and kind.Yes, leaves can be kind, shut up)

But lets snap back into reality. Yeah... this was a remainder of the fact that I should organize my days in advance or else I risk not doing anything in the end. I am going to have a productive day today.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful I have this journal. It makes me more self aware, and more willing to bounce back when I get temporarily discouraged.

 

 

Edited by gargamel
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