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piece of life, peace of mind


gargamel
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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

That's a funny way to stop eating deserts. Looks like you showed those food scientists who's boss. My mom loves sweets and always buys some for the fridge. So until she stops doing that I pretty much don't have what it takes to resist the urge to eat desert for now. Especially because eating just a little each day doesn't seem to affect my weight much. I haven't moved from 182 for a while. We just bought cake for my birthday actually. Oh sugar. 

I bet you talked about it in your journal, but can you tell me why are you living with your mother? Also, would you like to live by yourself? I live with half of my family, but I plan to live on my own in a year from now. I mention this because the reason why I ever eat sweets is because my diabetic father actually buys a lot of them so I sometimes mindlessly take a cookie or something, but I never overindulge. When I'm going to live on my own I think I'll end up not eating any sugar other than an occasional fruit.

Also, guys, sorry for not journaling. Imma be back to writing my daily journals tomorrow.

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Entry 66 (day 118) - sorry for repeating myself so much, this is the last time i promise. everything will change
Ok guys, as you can notice I have been going back and forth with my ideas, being inconsistent with my daily journaling, been focusing more on talk and musings other than goals and the process. I need to reinvent my journey here so I can remain active on the forums and to rekindle my desire for improvement and success. I'll start a new thread with re-envisioned focus and narrative. As I see it, these 4 months ended up being mostly about my journey of:

  1. keeping away from games and porn 
  2. significantly helping around the house 
  3. consistently getting up early
  4. working out 
  5. study for my university
  6. keeping up a consistent daily meditation practice and deepening my spirituality
  7. fighting my anxiety
  8. learning to cook
  9. getting my head straight regarding dating (especially feelings towards Veronika)
  10. getting my head straight regarding my friends (ended up deciding that i will find a different crowd eventually. At the moment, I am only close to my brother)
  11. rekindling my passion for art (especially music and movies)
  12. reducing frequency of masturbation (attempting a month of nofap at the moment)
  13. getting new philosophical clarity, and reading a ton.

I've made serious progress. Highlights (for me) would surely have to be my deepened spirituality and my vastly improved relationship with my father because of those healthy habits. I am also really glad I've distanced myself from Veronika.
*An unplanned braindump regarding Veronika bellow*

Spoiler

She is a great woman and, in theory (that I couldn't get out my head, but probably should), we would be a great couple. But I have too many issues I need to work on if I want to, in reality, be a good boyfriend (not to mention husband) to anybody, let alone try to win her over. When I was spending my time with her I was just reminded of our bullshit past. (that I will never talk about here, it's embarrassing for both sides, like some inept writer has written the first half of the story and the second half was written by a bad random generator. Even in my phrasing you can see I am bitter about it and I know I will not get over it simply by some readjustment of perspective or by "letting go" or whatever. I'll get over it if I feel like a changed man, if I look myself in the mirror, spiritually, and I don't see the same reflection of a guy who fucked up this opportunity with this incredible woman. Guys, if I showed you her picture you would be mesmerized, and if you knew her spirit and energy and knowledge you would be awestruck. I am not joking, sometimes she is like a character from a book, from some story long past. Like a perfect princess from medieval times, both perky and elegant, innocent and wise, strong and fragile, compassionate and clear thinking... This is one-sided of course, I can shed a different light on her, muuch less flattering, she has some deeply rooted flaws. But still, it stands. I can't get over kissing those lips. It's difficult to restrain myself not to show those lips to you guys, I want you to understand my predicament, lol... but putting pictures of people without their consent is out of the question morally. Anyways...

On the other hand, I have failed to deliver on a few of seriously important goals I've set for myself, and when you look at the list you can notice a commonality:

  1. I haven't studied as much as I needed for university, so I didn't pass a lot of exams. 50% of my reading and study is not for tests.
  2. I haven't found myself a part time job, not even for a month or two. (coronavirus didn't help, but I haven't tried enough)
  3. because I didn't work, I of course couldn't pay for my driving license (I am 27 y.o., just to remind how behind I am on a lot of things in life)
  4. getting into top shape (I was inconsistent with my workouts, corona didn't help). I was on a proper trajectory around a month into this journey, started slipping after my exams

All of them, especially 1.-3. are about getting past my point in life, about going forwards. Getting over with my education, getting the pieces set so I can finally become totally self-reliant ASAP, consistently living healthy, strong, being productive. To become a full grown man. You can say that all this time was preparation, building my spirit up so it can raise to the challenge. Well, challenge is here. I worked more on my inner posture than most have, I've built up some resilience and willpower and now I just have to get out of my bubble and confront the world without any hesitation. I need to trow myself into the world completely, take out any opportunity for escape, and just fight my best fight.

You guys, especially @Ikar, @GrainSiloEnthusiast @BooksandTrees @Erik2.0 @Icandothis have helped me along the way by your kind words and support, and by your criticism and by the attention you've given me. Thank you, deeply. I hope you will accompany me on the new thread I'm going to start tomorrow morning. 

Edited by gargamel
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On 8/28/2020 at 9:55 AM, gargamel said:

1) Having some kind of romantic relationship in the broadest sense of the word, like a friend that you also flirt with sometimes, is very beneficial for sure, especially for a developing teenager and a young adult. If anything, you are learning first steps towards intimacy and you are growing accustomed to it in a good way.

Historically at high school, I asked out a few girls on the odd attempt, though I was never successful. I told my grandma this week that it bugs me how unprepared our parents set us (my brother and me) out to the world of teenage/adolescent dating, because it was taboo to talk about these things at home and how we're catching up on that just now.

That said, I like how am I less and less attached to the outcome with each attempt in this regard, that I know and feel another opportunity is right around the corner and that everybody has their flaws.

On 8/28/2020 at 9:55 AM, gargamel said:

2) Oh man, that sucks. I am surprised most of them have the awareness that it's unhealthy. I am pretty straightforward that I don't do one night stands and that I think they are harmful, so I either have short arguments when someone gets defensive, or they hide that they engage in it because they feel unaccepted or judged. I know these types of topics are pretty sensitive, so often after voicing my opinion I do my best to switch the topic unless I am talking to someone close. But for example, Veronika's close friend had loads of sex on Tinder before her last relationship (of two years), and after it ended she got back to having loads of sex on Tinder again. And she talks about it with a pinch of flamboyant sass, so I only make a gesture of disapproval when she looks at me and lighten it with a loving smile, so we go to different topic.

I don't think I've ever been in a social group where casual sex would be held in high regard. I think my selection (or lack) of social groups naturally filtered these groups out.

I'm extremely combative (and on the other hand extremely supportive) when somebody close isn't/is combating their inner demons, especially addictions. It's as if I had my big addiction bundle of gaming, can't fit any more (masturbation is going pretty well in my eyes so far) and lead some sort of a holy war against them, even though I am not saint either.

I noticed "Girl A" likes to drink; I think it's on par with the drinking of any other "average" uni student. I asked her if she's using it as an escape and she confirmed that. The issue here is that people get defensive even if they themselves point out that the reason they do something is stupid and there could be more constructive ways of dealing with the problem. Moreover, if it's something connected to basic biological needs (eating, sex etc.), then there's hardly any clear cut solution to the problem.

A few days ago, I saw Peterson answering a similar question and he said that the best way to do this is to be there until they decide to make the change themselves. I like the idea of just getting over the topic as a whole with a simple gesture, such as a raised eyebrow with a glare or something else. Yet I also think that takes some negotiation, experience and perhaps clashing heads, so you know why exactly the other person thinks what they think and does what they do, before you are able to get over the topic in this elegant manner.

On 8/28/2020 at 9:55 AM, gargamel said:

3) Well, on paper ONS seem like mutual masturbation, but in reality it is not. I remember when Pauly D from Jersey Shore said that he never in his life "met a chick" who didn't develop at least some sort of feelings for him after having sex, and you can only imagine how many ONS this dude had, at least in high hundreds. Sex is biologically and chemically the most complex event in our lives, especially for the female, because she risks getting pregnant. (biology cannot differentiate between sex with or without contraception)

I wonder if not having sex is like not having cigarettes for me - at first, I just played by the rules without understanding them, but eventually I matured into the decision that smoking is not worth it regardless. I can have ONSs if I really focused on them, but it just seems there are better things to do. Besides, I don't want to risk possible pregnancy either; I know myself to the extent that I know I would try to "make it right" and help to raise the child properly.

On 8/28/2020 at 9:55 AM, gargamel said:

Interesting that you've mentioned gratitude. I bet it has some part to play. Having multiple partners might make us feel entitled to be loved, also, it might make us feel like we could always find it elsewhere so we are not open to difficult parts of relationship and healthy compromise - I totally agree with you. On the other hand, I would bet that it also has to do with the fact that with each partner we develop a unique connection, so when we have multiple memories of our different loves, we might fail to appreciate our current love because x is different/worse than it was in relationship 3, y from relationship 2 is different/worse/missing, et cetera. So when things become bad, we suddenly crave getting back to our ex, or we crave to seek those missing parts in a new partner, hoping he/she will "have it all".

I agree one can always find "it" (kissing, sex) in any relationship, but all the nuances, surprises, quirks... I think that thought process is flawed, because it assumes that one stays the same throughout all those relationships to somehow objectively evaluate all the differences. Every relationship is different and therefore unique and we enter each relationship different and therefore unique.

On 8/28/2020 at 9:55 AM, gargamel said:

About the "second part of the job", I assume you are talking about raising the kids? I have an unconventional opinion on the father's role, I wonder what you think about it. I don't think it is that important for kids to love their father much when they are growing up. I think a father should develop authority (I am not talking about aggressive dictatorship) and respect with his children, and should command them to work on duties and also help around the house. This might lead to feelings of hate towards the father, because "he tells me to do things I don't wanna do", and the father should be fine with it, he must not command love or seek it. But when children grow up they will love their father because they will realize that all his commands were for their own benefit. Most importantly, a father should also teach by example and he shouldn't be lazy when he gets home, because that's all that kids will see and then his commands will not be listened to, he will appear a hypocrite and dictatorial. Also, it is a muuuust that he focuses a lot of attention to the mother, gives her a lot of love and attention, so mother naturally backs him up, and doesn't talk bad behind his back to destroy his authority. A tough job.

I like it. The mixture of respect/hatred and later on respect/love definitely rings the bell in my case. It could even be that any relationship that I really value has a bit of that contentious/antagonistic element in it. I think the proposed/enforced societal opinion on child-rearing in the West is incorrect, because it all focuses on the warmer and compassionate mother and gives little attention to the colder and just father.

To expand on that idea in the higher order, I'd make the connection between the mother who always tells us it's fine regardless whether one succeeds or not, and the idea that the society tells us that it's equally valuable whether you have sex in a functioning relationship, go to have an ONS every week or masturbate three times a day. It's just... no.

On 8/28/2020 at 9:55 AM, gargamel said:

P.S. @Ikar I almost fixed my issue with where/were. When I type I usually notice that I spelled it wrongly. If you notice some other consistent misspellings, please tell me.

*bellow/below 🙂

It's not a misspelling, but the use of "on the other hand" in the fourth text I quoted (at least to me) suggests a contrarian point, whereas I do not see one in there.)

P.S. I will respond to your other post later 🙂

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On 8/29/2020 at 12:21 PM, gargamel said:

I bet you talked about it in your journal, but can you tell me why are you living with your mother? Also, would you like to live by yourself? I live with half of my family, but I plan to live on my own in a year from now. I mention this because the reason why I ever eat sweets is because my diabetic father actually buys a lot of them so I sometimes mindlessly take a cookie or something, but I never overindulge. When I'm going to live on my own I think I'll end up not eating any sugar other than an occasional fruit.

Also, guys, sorry for not journaling. Imma be back to writing my daily journals tomorrow.

I’m too poor to afford living on my own. My job is currently only giving me 14 hours of work a week. I’m possibly getting a new job next week though. Also it helps me to live with my mom as she cooks cleans and is the only social contact I have in my life. Without her I’d have no in person support. I’m in student debt so I wanted to live at home for a few years until I pay it off and can buy a home. I don’t really want to live by myself right now I think I’d be too lonely. Sounds like you’ll have a good time living on your own in a year though
 

Fruits awesome I like to eat it after dinner. 

Edited by Erik2.0
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19 hours ago, Ikar said:

Historically at high school, I asked out a few girls on the odd attempt, though I was never successful. I told my grandma this week that it bugs me how unprepared our parents set us (my brother and me) out to the world of teenage/adolescent dating, because it was taboo to talk about these things at home and how we're catching up on that just now.

That said, I like how am I less and less attached to the outcome with each attempt in this regard, that I know and feel another opportunity is right around the corner and that everybody has their flaws.

Yeah, my parents didn't teach me anything regarding dating. It's just crazy how "hands-off" they were raising me, all they did was argue with me, or punish when I did something "bad". Overall I had a more successful experience than you in both elementary school and high school. In elementary school I was quite popular, at least before i started playing games like crazy (that happened when my parents started to have crazy fights, they almost divorced). I was physically fit (I trained handball, played a lot of basketball and was on rollerblades everyday, doing jumps and tricks), and I was one of the popular kids (my best friend was the most popular guy in school), so I had actually a lot of girls who had crushes on me (even had a couple of stalkers). In high school I isolated myself to gaming and reading because I was depressed (I lived in terrible conditions) until the last year of high school when my love life started again.

19 hours ago, Ikar said:

I don't think I've ever been in a social group where casual sex would be held in high regard. I think my selection (or lack) of social groups naturally filtered these groups out.

Interesting how different our experience is. Me studying philosophy and literature has got me surrounded by a lot of people who sleep around, take all sorts of drugs, drink a lot, et cetera. 

19 hours ago, Ikar said:

I'm extremely combative (and on the other hand extremely supportive) when somebody close isn't/is combating their inner demons, especially addictions. It's as if I had my big addiction bundle of gaming, can't fit any more (masturbation is going pretty well in my eyes so far) and lead some sort of a holy war against them, even though I am not saint either.

I was like that for long. Realized, in my case, that I was motivated to do it for several unflattering reasons, besides compassion. Sometimes it was a distraction from my faults, sometimes it was an ego boost to be a helper, sometimes I just wanted to learn about human psychology, but ultimately - it was about indirect bitching to the universe, saying "why can't x and y and z and all the people just be better? Little poor helper me, always there for others but none can really help me..." I basically stopped doing it, mostly because holy texts and people I admire say that I should first fix myself and then teach by example. I asked myself - from what part of me does my "zeal" come from? 

19 hours ago, Ikar said:

A few days ago, I saw Peterson answering a similar question and he said that the best way to do this is to be there until they decide to make the change themselves.

I could speak about this for hours. But let's just say I agree with him to a point. I think you can "force" or "push" someone into starting to change themselves, but you need to have real power over them, otherwise you are just an annoyance who attacks their defense mechanisms and worsens their day. They either have to admire you (to want to be like you and please you), or love you (romantically), or fear you, or something similar. Best if it is a combination of all those 3, then you could dictate to someone the way to live, at least to a point and for a while... BUT, most people seriously overestimate their grasp over the real issues and what to do about it, especially if they fail at certain aspects of life themselves. 

19 hours ago, Ikar said:

I can have ONSs if I really focused on them, but it just seems there are better things to do. Besides, I don't want to risk possible pregnancy either; I know myself to the extent that I know I would try to "make it right" and help to raise the child properly.

Well, if they are on the pill (you can always insist that they show you that they have them) you can be sure that pregnancy won't happen. But ONS often happen when people are drunk, with strangers, and they don't ask a thing. I think it's just stupid doing anything drunk. I think the number of ONS would plummet if people stopped drinking, loool.

19 hours ago, Ikar said:

To expand on that idea in the higher order, I'd make the connection between the mother who always tells us it's fine regardless whether one succeeds or not, and the idea that the society tells us that it's equally valuable whether you have sex in a functioning relationship, go to have an ONS every week or masturbate three times a day. It's just... no.

Yeah. I mean... most of what our society does these days is trying to support anyone in whatever they feel like doing. "Don't let them tell you what to do" is the mantra of the century. People are intellectually driven to muddy the waters and find some weird argument, or statistic, or philosophical theory to justify anything. False equivalence like this one you mentioned is so widespread. 

19 hours ago, Ikar said:

*bellow/below

❤️❤️❤️ Ty

12 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

I’m too poor to afford living on my own. My job is currently only giving me 14 hours of work a week. I’m possibly getting a new job next week though. Also it helps me to live with my mom as she cooks cleans and is the only social contact I have in my life. Without her I’d have no in person support. I’m in student debt so I wanted to live at home for a few years until I pay it off and can buy a home. I don’t really want to live by myself right now I think I’d be too lonely. Sounds like you’ll have a good time living on your own in a year though

That's tough. I understand now! Thank you for sharing.

Edited by gargamel
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31 minutes ago, gargamel said:

Yeah, my parents didn't teach me anything regarding dating. It's just crazy how "hands-off" they were raising me, all they did was argue with me, or punish when I did something "bad".

I was thinking the same thing. Ironically, I think me being addicted to gaming saved them a lot of arguments. An interesting thing that happened after I quit gaming/broke up with X is that I momentarily grew closer to my parents, but I knew that I needed my own space. So after I quit, I spent 4 months at home, 2,5 in Iceland, 3 at home and then I moved to the dorm.

31 minutes ago, gargamel said:

Overall I had a more successful experience than you in both elementary school and high school. In elementary school I was quite popular, at least before i started playing games like crazy (that happened when my parents started to have crazy fights, they almost divorced). I was physically fit (I trained handball, played a lot of basketball and was on rollerblades everyday, doing jumps and tricks), and I was one of the popular kids (my best friend was the most popular guy in school), so I had actually a lot of girls who had crushes on me (even had a couple of stalkers). In high school I isolated myself to gaming and reading because I was depressed (I lived in terrible conditions) until the last year of high school when my love life started again.

I think I'd be popular as well if I stayed at the elementary for longer, but I used the option to go 8-year high school instead of the 4-year. I remember I was the first kid to bring Pokémon cards to school and literally everyone started playing it, trading cards and whatnot. I was also a bully on ES which backfired on me hard after I migrated to HS, because the collective was radically different. It took me another 6 years to get myself straight enough to at least get invited to a party; otherwise I was just gaming and hating everyone and everything.

31 minutes ago, gargamel said:

Interesting how different our experience is. Me studying philosophy and literature has got me surrounded by a lot of people who sleep around, take all sorts of drugs, drink a lot, et cetera. 

I guess now I could make the case that my biggest/most used social group is university students (particularly around the dorm), but the odd thing is that if I wanted to, I wouldn't need to talk anyone for weeks. It's because my classes are only once a and my real classmates are people who are already working full-time from all over the region, hence I see them just for the classes. It is possible that I am not seeing a lot of the things, because I am in the position of being a weird crossover with multiple social groups. I also study economic geography - another crossover between natural and human sciences 😄

31 minutes ago, gargamel said:

I was like that for long. Realized, in my case, that I was motivated to do it for several unflattering reasons, besides compassion. Sometimes it was a distraction from my faults, sometimes it was an ego boost to be a helper, sometimes I just wanted to learn about human psychology, but ultimately - it was about indirect bitching to the universe, saying "why can't x and y and z and all the people just be better? Little poor helper me, always there for others but none can really help me..." I basically stopped doing it, mostly because holy texts and people I admire say that I should first fix myself and then teach by example. I asked myself - from what part of me does my "zeal" come from? 

I'm actually aware I was even more like that in the past in the bold part, mostly on HS. Now I realize that if I have the best shot at helping anyone, then it's me. I shall lead by example to the best of my ability; if someone decides to join me - great.

31 minutes ago, gargamel said:

I could speak about this for hours. But let's just say I agree with him to a point. I think you can "force" or "push" someone into starting to change themselves, but you need to have real power over them, otherwise you are just an annoyance who attacks their defense mechanisms and worsens their day. They either have to admire you (to want to be like you and please you), or love you (romantically), or fear you, or something similar. Best if it is a combination of all those 3, then you could dictate to someone the way to live, at least to a point and for a while... BUT, most people seriously overestimate their grasp over the real issues and what to do about it, especially if they fail at certain aspects of life themselves. 

I actually had that thought of making people do things I want with little/no internal resistance inside them (regarding leading by example). Quite a scary one, especially if someone does it consciously on a regular basis. I guess the main point is whether it's justifiable and I'd guess it's not under most circumstances.

31 minutes ago, gargamel said:

Well, if they are on the pill (you can always insist that they show you that they have them) you can be sure that pregnancy won't happen. But ONS often happen when people are drunk, with strangers, and they don't ask a thing. I think it's just stupid doing anything drunk. I think the number of ONS would plummet if people stopped drinking, loool.

If you really want to, there are so many ways to get the "kick" in a more natural way... I think it's just stupid being drunk in the first place 😄

31 minutes ago, gargamel said:

Yeah. I mean... most of what our society does these days is trying to support anyone in whatever they feel like doing. "Don't let them tell you what to do" is the mantra of the century. People are intellectually driven to muddy the waters and find some weird argument, or statistic, or philosophical theory to justify anything. False equivalence like this one you mentioned is so widespread. 

It's a scary thought, but everything we do matters. We can only defy reality for so long, until it comes crashing in (hello there, gaming).

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