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piece of life, peace of mind


gargamel
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I am like that with hobbies, good intuition. I always want to be super good at a hobby and get frustrated when I'm not able to progress. I'm always happiest if I can see myself getting better. It's that constant measurable growth they talk about. Sadly it makes hobbies kind of die easy for me and I just give up on them. There was a time in my life where I'd watch an episode of Naruto and try to copy a picture from the episode. I didn't care if it was great I just enjoyed the process of drawing something each day. That was probably the best I did at just enjoying something. And I actually did it for a year which is longer than I've done most hobbies. And I have a bunch of drawings of Naruto to look back on for fun.

Nice post. It was very meditative and tranquil. I enjoyed reading it.

Edited by Erik2.0
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@GrainSiloEnthusiast Thank you for offering me this positive perspective. I'll try to view it in that light. Bikeride and the scenery had a positive effect on me, for sure. I just wished it was a planned sabbatical 🙂
@Erik2.0 As I am both competitive and self-improve-y myself, I understand your craves for progress. Nothing wrong with it. On the other hand - it's to be expected out of every skill that there will come a time that progress will slow down. In the gym it's called - "beginner gains" and I think it applies to almost every skill. "I got my beginner gains, now if I want to progress I need to push myself twice as hard as before and expect twice as slow a progress than before." But in order to do that, one really needs to make a decision and invest himself into something particular and be patient. Gym is worth it for me, and as I've said I am going to add on top of it Judo and Ju-jitsu to expand my physical fitness and strength in other directions as well. I really feel you should pick up your guitar 😄 

Entry 21 (day 34) - Emotionally rough (fight with Veronika)

Ok, so... First half of the day went perfectly. I did laundry, dishes, had a cup of coffee, had a good meditation, written my journal and studied for an hour and then I had to go to an early meeting with my 3 female friends (Veronika, Becky that celebrated her birthday a week ago, and Nina) because Nina finally returned to the city after 3 months of living across the country. 

Anyways, it all went well and was fun except me and Veronika had a short clash during the discussion about a certain personal issue. To an outsider, this might seem just a temporary ego clash between two people, especially because it was really short, but it's roots are actually really deep. I felt it and I needed to discuss it when I came home... And we spent the next 5 hours talking about it via voice massages. I am drained.

I will not go into details, but the gist of it is that she has some deep rooted emotional issues with me and my certain character traits and flaws. I knew that. Because we both idealize each other and then we are hurt when we are reminded we are far from ideal. Those issues are one of the main reasons we self-destructed a year ago. But the thing is - she exaggerates some of my flaws and misunderstands some parts of my character. I know she doesn't do it because she wants to be malignant and hurt me, it is because she is imperfect and she is hurt, and she is afraid I might be that exaggerated version she fears I am, and she wants me to be a better person and she is still resentful about the past. Personally, I often feel as if she wants me so bad to be an ideal man, like a saint, like a god, like a hero, because she is generally deeply disappointed in men. I want to be like that as well, and I am working on myself constantly. But I obviously ain't that at this point, and maybe I never will be.

We actually ended the conversation in the good light, she even said "I really have to work it out with myself, I need to understand myself better. I don't know why am I so harsh on you, why I put all this standards on your behavior", and then I said that it's also vice versa. We again expressed love towards each other and called it a day. 

I am emotionally drained. This reminds me so much of the unhealthy relationship my family had. You love your father deeply but you are hurt by him, so you are triggered by the tiniest of things he does wrong, and lash out because you want it so badly for him to be different and your relationship to be better, but then he is hurt by your lash-out and he lashes back because he is hurt and he wants things to be different and you to be perfect and so the vicious cycle continues.

The only way to break the cycle is to first stop the wheel and make first steps yourself, don't expect it from the other person, not because "you are better then them", but because you should never shift responsibility. I need to really deeply forgive her that she does what she does, and I have to forgive myself that I am not her ideal person, because of course I want so hard to be. (both because I want the best of myself and because I want her approval)

I miss my ex so much in this moment. She loved me so genuinely and deeply as a man, not only as a person. Having that in life is wonderful.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for my ex, Tina. She healed so much of my wounds. 

Edit: After all of this I was under a lot of stress so I had a crave to masturbate, or drink alcohol, or binge-watch something to forget. Didn't do either of those, I made a healthy decision and went to sleep. I don't want any more substitute pleasures in life, I don't want to live vicariously, I want real accomplishments, I want deeper satisfaction. I am done with coping mechanisms, I am done with settling for cheap pleasures.

Edit number 2: Needed to write this all in my journal so I can go beyond it. I needed to get it off my chest because I do not intend to talk about Veronika with Steven or my other guy friends.

Edited by gargamel
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That's a good perspective you have on beginner gains and pushing to improve. I didn't realize how much more effort it takes to make it past the early level. Glad things worked out with Veronika. Five hours is a long talk. I can understand why you'd feel drained after that. 

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@Erik2.0 5 hours is a pretty long talk, especially when you are on the defensive for the most of it. She restated her critique (and expanded it) maybe 4 times after I already said i understand it and accept it, and agree with her to a large degree. She either didn't believe I actually got what she was saying or she was still venting her unconscious frustrations, probably both actually. She even said at two points that she feels like I am gaslighting her because we remember the incident a bit differently, which is a serious accusation but I am glad it didn't put me over the edge. She was with a dude that lied to her for 2 years and cheated with 30 girls or something like that. She has deep trust issues.

Entry 22 (day 35) - recuperation

I couldn't sleep for long because of the stress, I slept for maybe 4 hours. This set me up for a pretty low quality morning. I needed to process the argument so I've written my yesterdays entry, had a cup of coffee, washed the dishes and watched some youtube. Then i noticed I ain't getting any better either emotionally or in regards to my energy levels and decided I will meditate.

I meditated for an hour and 15 minutes, which is one of the longest meditation sessions I ever did, and I decided I will dedicate my day to reading the scriptures and maybe even meditating some more later. I read for hours, and I've listened to a great talk from a guru about how to deepen your devotional meditation. Also had a 2 hour nap between it all to compensate for earlier. I can gladly say that this clash with Veronika seems as if it happened 2 months ago, I am over it. 

I've decided I will be waking up a bit earlier from now on (around 7 am) and do my coffee-journal-gym-meditation routine as early as possible, so I start the day with faster tempo and have a lot of time to study. Let's see how it goes today, I am about to finish my coffee and my journal entry. This just feels right, I am excited.

P.S. Yesterday was the first day after a looong time that I got a reflex urge to go to twitch. I unconsciously opened a new tab with that idea, and then I noticed it happening and stopped it. Also, when I was napping, I had a detailed dream of watching porn on youtube, I woke up with a strong erection but I managed to restrain myself. (I masturbated 3 days ago and i don't intend to masturbate again for another week. I am generally pretty satisfied about how I am sexually restraining myself since I've stopped watching porn)

This just proves that my addictions are an unhealthy coping mechanism. They want to pull me lower when i am already down. But I won't let them.

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Yikes on that previous relationship she was in. Sorry she went through that and glad she's out of it. Keep fighting the good fight to overcome your addictions. We're all doing the best we can on here. Seems like your meditation helps you a lot. It's cool that you meditate a lot.

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@Erik2.0 Thank you for the encouragement, I decided I will take a positive outlook on the last couple of days and just appreciate they are still way better and more constructive than my gaming days. As for Veronika, yeah, she suffered a lot in life besides that as well, sadly. She seems to be doing better in the last year, hope the trend continues.

Entry 22 (day 35):

Mood: Haven't talked about my mood directly in last couple of entries. It's because it is more or less neutral in a positive way (except post-fight with Veronika). Yesterday I was level-headed and calm, I felt quite peaceful and undisturbed. In retrospect, the only thing I was lacking was a bit of passion, I like to be high energy.

Things I've done:

  1. Journal entry with coffee
  2. done the dishes
  3. gym (started deadlifting again after a long time, finally)
  4. vacuumed the living room (moved furniture around to do it properly)
  5. cleaned the dust from top of the tall furniture (It hasn't been done in 6 months, dust galore)
  6. had an hour and a half nap
  7. meditated
  8. studied for 3 hours
  9. did laundry
  10. unclogged my sink with a product I bought
  11. took extra effort to avoid junk food*

This is pretty good I would say, but I am still studying less than I need to be. 

* I decided I will be "cutting" for the next 2 months. I want to lose 10 to 12 pounds (5 kg) in that period. I want to get to a lower body fat percentage to look more muscular and lose those irritating love-handles I have for the longest time. I am not fat, I am 6'4 (193 cm) and have 200 lbs (91 kg) at the moment, I just want to look slightly leaner.

Important thoughts: I tried to reflect upon my progress in willpower. It is better than it used to be, for example - if someone abruptly asks me to do a small thing for them, like call a person x and tell them something, I will just do it without any bickering or internal struggle. I have this new little voice in my head that says "Alright, let's do this."  Also, obviously I am well motivated to do work around the house, because results are immediate.

I sadly do have problems with motivating myself to study because it induces stress and rewards are not immediate. It's the most painful activity in the day. My focus starts slipping, my energy levels drop, I start yawning like CRAZY. I guess this just means I need to push myself harder and that's it. I have to believe it will get better after a while.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for every time someone has been compassionate towards me.

 

Edited by gargamel
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Hey man,

I read through your journal so far + your introduction, so I think I am caught up. I want to quote and write a few things:

Quote

Hopefully in a few months I will be objectively on the right track, passing some important exams and seeing my life going forwards at the satisfying pace. When I see that, I will again trust myself and be relaxed enough to let a person in. Until then, dating would result in me feeling like I am distracting myself, or that I don't deserve being with a girl if it happens that I like her.

I am of the opinion that whatever the situation a person is, there exists a counterpart for them. That written, even though I started thinking about dating again a couple of weeks after I quit gaming on April 21st 2019, I didn't attend any venues where I could meet people regularly, up until December when I moved to the dorm (though I spent half that period in Iceland). I understand the desire to not overextend though; I wonder if I am not doing that myself while participating in three different businesses and studying at the same time 😄

Quote

For the last couple of years I wasn't able to say no to people. I was both too passive to fill my own schedule with activities, and too guilt-ridden to be able to turn down people that showed genuine interest in me.

It's important to say no sometimes, so it's good you realize that. I find I have to say "no" in more and more areas of my life day by day. I can't please everyone else at the same time, but I can at least please myself. If they still want to interact, there's always the next time. There's no need to take the rejection personally.

Quote

Yesterday was a simple day. Went shopping, bought myself new jeans and one T-shirt. I need to buy a lot more if I want to work on my appearance.

It's something I might need to work on as well. I have the tendency to use things as far as they are functional, but run-down regardless.

---

I like the attitude you have towards women. I find that friendships, those I consider close and genuine, are different with women and different with men. I spend more time with guys and doing guy things nowadays, but I appreciate the warm feeling of acceptance I can get when talking and relating to girls.

Good luck in getting into jiu-jitsu or any other martial art. I'm planning to get a gun license, but after that I could get into more physical martial arts. Jocko Willink keeps talking about it all the time too 🙂

Since you are kicking gaming and porn, have you thought about kicking drinking as well? I was thinking about that recently, since I apparently can get minor adverse effects the next day even after two beers.

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@Erik2.0 Yes, it is. My ideal is to do everything with a calm mindset, with vigor and determination. But I need to be careful not to become lethargic and sleepy when i am calm. At this particular stage of my development it sometimes helps if some unrest is present so it puts me in motion, or else I might do nothing. 

Hey @Ikar, I am glad you've read my whole journal! I would love to go through your complete journal eventually as well, congratulations for sticking to if for so long. 

13 hours ago, Ikar said:

That written, even though I started thinking about dating again a couple of weeks after I quit gaming on April 21st 2019, I didn't attend any venues where I could meet people regularly, up until December when I moved to the dorm

I know that I shouldn't be seeking dates right now. But if it happens that I stumble upon a girl that I think deserves my attention regardless of my current situation, I will pursue her. But I will surely not sacrifice my other obligations and dreams to do so. I need to be patient.

13 hours ago, Ikar said:

There's no need to take the rejection personally.

My problem with not being able to reject people was not out of fear of offending them. I was guilt ridden. I thought that I am not paying enough attention to others that care about me, that I am selfishly preoccupied with either myself or my problems or my interests, and that I am not giving enough of myself to them, so I was forcing myself. I felt like i am failing to be a good friend, that i am failing to be a sincere and loyal. All those feelings sprang from my depression. In my deep depression, I was lethargic, melancholic, weak and had obviously a pretty bad opinion of myself. 

13 hours ago, Ikar said:

I like the attitude you have towards women. I find that friendships, those I consider close and genuine, are different with women and different with men. I spend more time with guys and doing guy things nowadays, but I appreciate the warm feeling of acceptance I can get when talking and relating to girls.

Friendships with women and with man are significantly different in my experience. I enjoy both and find value in both. What I care more is the quality of the person and less about their gender, but gender does play a big role in different dynamics that your friendship will go through. For example, almost universally, I need to be more gentle with women and how I approach them, then I am with men. 

13 hours ago, Ikar said:

Jocko Willink keeps talking about it all the time too

He is a wise man! A couple of years ago i listened to a podcast between him and Peterson, but I never followed him. The other day I had a weird coincidence. Soon after I decided I will get into judo and ju-jitsu, I stumbled upon one of his videos about masculinity and I decided to watch it. And, like... 2 minutes into the video talking about what a man should do in his life he says "learn ju-jitsu", hahah, it cracked me up. I sure will mister Jocko! 

13 hours ago, Ikar said:

Since you are kicking gaming and porn, have you thought about kicking drinking as well? I was thinking about that recently, since I apparently can get minor adverse effects the next day even after two beers.

I am considering kicking drinking as well, yes! In Vedic spirituality, alcohol is considered a strong impediment to spiritual progress, so that is my biggest reason. Eventually, I think I will either stop drinking for good, or I will limit it to a bare minimum, drinking a glass of wine with other people to celebrate a birthday or a wedding, et cetera. 

The thing is... I don't have a problem with alcohol. I neither drink a lot nor often. Birthday of my friend was an exception to the rule. So it is not on top of my priorities. (I think I didn't take a sip of alcohol since that day, which is a decent indication of my drinking habits)

Edited by gargamel
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I've been off substances for 1 year and 9 months. I think it's good being sober. I'm doing better in life, am more clear headed and have more free time. I had a problem with substance use though so if you think moderation works better for you, that's fine too. 

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9 hours ago, gargamel said:

I know that I shouldn't be seeking dates right now. But if it happens that I stumble upon a girl that I think deserves my attention regardless of my current situation, I will pursue her. But I will surely not sacrifice my other obligations and dreams to do so. I need to be patient.

Got it, although in life it's always a trade off and we are all exchanging something for something else. Everybody has the same 24 hours a day, what they decide to put in them is up to them. I think the main idea is not to over-invest into something, because it is going to blow up in your face eventually.

9 hours ago, gargamel said:

My problem with not being able to reject people was not out of fear of offending them. I was guilt ridden. I thought that I am not paying enough attention to others that care about me, that I am selfishly preoccupied with either myself or my problems or my interests, and that I am not giving enough of myself to them, so I was forcing myself. I felt like i am failing to be a good friend, that i am failing to be a sincere and loyal. All those feelings sprang from my depression. In my deep depression, I was lethargic, melancholic, weak and had obviously a pretty bad opinion of myself. 

I have always thought of myself highly, even though the reasons I felt that way were (and still could be 😄 ) often questionable. I think I just didn't want to make anyone angry, even at the cost they would surely be angry at me later on. The way I kept my promises was that I never gave them in the first place.

9 hours ago, gargamel said:

Friendships with women and with man are significantly different in my experience. I enjoy both and find value in both. What I care more is the quality of the person and less about their gender, but gender does play a big role in different dynamics that your friendship will go through. For example, almost universally, I need to be more gentle with women and how I approach them, then I am with men. 

I like how nuanced friendships can be. I'm currently mind-boggled about the idea I could have a genuine friendship with a girl and not date her at the same time. I think the relationship is going well as long as you are getting what you want out of it and the other person is happy with what they are receiving from you too. The funny thing is one doesn't always know what they are giving and receiving in the present.

10 hours ago, gargamel said:

He is a wise man! A couple of years ago i listened to a podcast between him and Peterson, but I never followed him. The other day I had a weird coincidence. Soon after I decided I will get into judo and ju-jitsu, I stumbled upon one of his videos about masculinity and I decided to watch it. And, like... 2 minutes into the video talking about what a man should do in his life he says "learn ju-jitsu", hahah, it cracked me up. I sure will mister Jocko! 

Ju-jitsu seems to be the answer to every question, it's a bit of a running meme in his YT channel 😄

10 hours ago, gargamel said:

I am considering kicking drinking as well, yes! In Vedic spirituality, alcohol is considered a strong impediment to spiritual progress, so that is my biggest reason. Eventually, I think I will either stop drinking for good, or I will limit it to a bare minimum, drinking a glass of wine with other people to celebrate a birthday or a wedding, et cetera. 

The thing is... I don't have a problem with alcohol. I neither drink a lot nor often. Birthday of my friend was an exception to the rule. So it is not on top of my priorities. (I think I didn't take a sip of alcohol since that day, which is a decent indication of my drinking habits)

I don't drink a lot nor often either, but then it begs the question of why would I do it at all. I have had a few raw experiences with alcohol in my past, but gambling the next (half a) day after I've had 3+ beers just doesn't seem worth it. I also observed my energy levels are more stable throughout the evening/night when I do not drink and I don't feel lethargic after a few hours.

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@Erik2.0 This is a great thing to hear! Congratulations on being sober for this long, I wish you all the strength and discernment to never start abusing again. I quit smoking a year and a half ago, and I intend to be smoking-free for life.

11 hours ago, Ikar said:

I think the main idea is not to over-invest into something, because it is going to blow up in your face eventually.

@Ikar Life needs balance. There is such a wide variety of psychological needs that we should take care of (in a healthy way) that I am convinced any type of "one-sided" living will result in problems after a while. A couple of my extended family members invested almost all they've got into their professions, they've made themselves successful but they are pretty unhappy now that they are in their 40s.

11 hours ago, Ikar said:

I have always thought of myself highly, even though the reasons I felt that way were (and still could be 😄 ) often questionable.
(...)
The way I kept my promises was that I never gave them in the first place.

There is a lot of reasons why you remind me of a younger version of myself. This is almost exactly what I would say 5-6 years ago, lol. In my experience, I talked that way because I still didn't have a clear picture of myself, didn't know how far I can go (be careful Ikarus, Sun does heat up quicky), nor who I want to become in the end. I am glad I went through those difficult times because it made me more humble and in the end created a more realistic vision of myself. A vision that more openly and realistically recognizes my flaws and celebrates my strengths.
Also, when it comes to keeping promises, I decided a few years ago i want to become a man that does rely on and keeps up his promises. I am getting better and better at it. 

Edited by gargamel
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43 minutes ago, gargamel said:

@Ikar Life needs balance. There is such a wide variety of psychological needs that we should take care of (in a healthy way) that I am convinced any type of "one-sided" living will result in problems after a while. A couple of my extended family members invested almost all they've got into their professions, they've made themselves successful but they are pretty unhappy now that they are in their 40s.

I even wonder if the "classic" system where people spend 30% of their total waking time at work/school can produce something that is optimal for the well-being of the individual. It shoots up to 50% on a working day. I believe most people work shortly after they get up and not vice versa, so the first 50% of their day is more energetic than the 50% after. My family has always been financially secure, but I'd likely trade some of that for spending more time together in the past. Regardless, if someone spends 30% of their life doing something just for money (which is just an idea and nothing of intrinsic value - that's why one second of Warren Buffett is "worth" more than my month) or not knowing why they do what they do, I think it's very akin to addiction.

43 minutes ago, gargamel said:

There is a lot of reasons why you remind me of a younger version of myself. This is almost exactly what I would say 5-6 years ago, lol. In my experience, I talked that way because I still didn't have a clear picture of myself, didn't know how far I can go (be careful Ikarus, Sun does heat up quicky), nor who I want to become in the end. I am glad I went through those difficult times because it made me more humble and in the end created a more realistic vision of myself. A vision that more openly and realistically recognizes my flaws and celebrates my strengths.
Also, when it comes to keeping promises, I decided a few years ago i want to become a man that does rely on and keeps up his promises. I am getting better and better at it. 

Sounds good! I am also discovering new strengths and shortcomings in my personality.

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Entry 23 (days 36 and 37)

I am back with my journal update. Didn't write an entry yesterday because I didn't want to come "empty handed". I wasn't satisfied with how my 36th day went.

Day 36: 

Main issue is that I didn't study at all, other than that it was a good Sunday..

  1. I did go to the gym with Steven early in the morning
  2. We had a cup of coffee and talked a bit of politics and philosophy as usual.
  3. I came home and read some holy scripture
  4. done dishes
  5. meditated
  6. had launch (in 3 pm)
  7. took an hour long nap

Then mine and Steven's mutual friend (Leon) called and asked if I want to have coffee with him. I said yes because we didn't see each other since we celebrated that promotion of our friend I mentioned here a couple of weeks ago. Anyways, Leon studies law, was engaged in politics for a while, and he has also decided he will become a Catholic priest eventually. As usual, we talked a lot about God, theology and religion. But we spent too much time (3 and a half hours) there and regretfully even talked too long about people we dislike, which is a habit I need to get out of.

When I came home I was in a pretty bad mood. I went to meditate again but it didn't do much, except it made me calmer. I just knew I won't be able to make myself study so I decided I will spend the rest of the day reading scriptures (Bhagavad Gita and Shrimad Bhagavatam where "on the menu", if anyone wonders). 

Day 37:

Yesterday went well. If I spent the first half of the day as good as I spent the second half, it would've been another "perfect" day. I don't want to spend time on details, because you know what things I am focusing on every day. I did it all and I am pretty satisfied :)

Notable thoughts and observations: 
I want to talk about my willpower. I realized this is the first time in my life that I rely on raw will, and I am really proud of myself. Back when I was a high achiever and studied for hours every day, it wasn't my will that was keeping my going, it was 1) passion and 2) ego. Passion for what I was doing, I was really excited to come to university and do my best and learn about things that interest me. Ego, because when passion couldn't keep me going for a bit, it was my ego that said "keep going", "you will be the best", "you will be great", "you are better than others", "they keep wasting their time and you are studying", et cetera. My favorite places to study/read where cafés, because there I could light my cigarette and easily see others wasting their time. I could see myself in their reflection, looking all great and intellectual. It kept my juices going. I had a lot to prove to myself and to others, mostly to others, I needed to keep up my image. If I stayed on that course I think I would end up being that person who talks of himself in 3rd person every so often. 

Now, for a multitude of different unrelated reasons neither passion nor ego remained. I think passion is latent at the moment, and probably will come back as soon as I feel a little bit more secure and when I get to some new challenges. Ego is crushed and I don't want it back. It is a really bad way to go through life.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for all the beauty that exists in this world and for all the good people who try to make it a better place every day.

Edit: @Ikar I totally agree on what you said about greed being akin to addiction! Sadly, modern psychology classifies something as a disorder or an illness only if it is an obstacle to success. If a person is "functional" (read - if they are accepted in their social circles, and productive at their jobs, and they are satisfied with themselves) that means they are healthy, which is tragically misguided.

Edited by gargamel
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1 hour ago, gargamel said:

Bhagavad Gita

I heard of it from my philosophy courses. I guess I might get curious enough to read it if presents itself in front of me a few more times, though I'm about to start "Genealogy of Morals" now.

1 hour ago, gargamel said:

I want to talk about my willpower. I realized this is the first time in my life that I rely on raw will, and I am really proud of myself.

I stopped doing "dry masturbation" a week ago and I did that every time before getting up and falling to sleep and sometimes even during the night. I feel pretty good about getting that hour a day back. I want to keep at least 7 days between each ejaculation and I have already done this several times before, though these streaks never lasted several weeks.

1 hour ago, gargamel said:

Edit: @Ikar I totally agree on what you said about greed being akin to addiction! Sadly, modern psychology classifies something as a disorder or an illness only if it is an obstacle to success. If a person is "functional" (read - if they are accepted in their social circles, and productive at their jobs, and they are satisfied with themselves) that means they are healthy, which is tragically misguided.

I think greed might be part of the equation, but it's most jobs are actually presented in the way that they should be your life's (main) purpose, that you need to work for 40-50 hours. Most people would either think you would be broke or crazy if you chose to not accept that. I'm aware there are part-times where some solid tax deductions might take place, but they hardly ever pay enough in absolute terms to afford anything past "elementary" needs. Also, what constitutes "success" in my book is for a whole next discussion 😄

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7 hours ago, Ikar said:

I heard of it from my philosophy courses. I guess I might get curious enough to read it if presents itself in front of me a few more times, though I'm about to start "Genealogy of Morals" now.

I've read Bhagavad Gita around 6-7 times from start to finish already and some parts I have read for over 20 times. It is difficult to comprehend for a newcomer because it is filled with a lot of concepts from Indian philosophy. Gunas, atman, paramatman, prakriti, isvara, dharma, svadharma, et cetera. But on the other hand, I loved it from my first read. It peaked my interest, and I found it wise even then.

I don't recommend translations that are made by non-hindus. I first read translation from Mahatma Gandhi and I still think it is pretty decent, much much better than some "poetic" translations I stumbled upon. Now I read a translation by Srila Prabhupada, but I wouldn't recommend it to someone who is not heavily invested in the topic because his commentary after every passage is longer than the book. I recommend Gandhis version, with a disclaimer not to give much attention to Gandhi's commentary because I think it is a distraction and often not that useful.
...
Geneology of morals! Read that a couple of times as well. I disagree with Nietzsche on topic of morals ultimately, but he did make a good critique of how morals are used as a pretense to hide weakness, to control and to subvert. His suspicious eye is worth our attention, especially when you realize how influential he has been.
 

7 hours ago, Ikar said:

I stopped doing "dry masturbation" a week ago

Congratulation man! Dry masturbation is just a tease, making you more attached to what you are addicted to. 

Edited by gargamel
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12 hours ago, gargamel said:

This is a great thing to hear! Congratulations on being sober for this long, I wish you all the strength and discernment to never start abusing again. I quit smoking a year and a half ago, and I intend to be smoking-free for life.

Thank you and congrats on being off cigarettes too. I heard quitting smoking is the hardest. But it's so bad for your health you're doing yourself a big favor staying off it. Sounds like you have been pretty serious about your studies throughout life. I've gotten a bit more serious over time, but never could apply myself that diligently. Possibly from games possibly because it was just too much for me. I've read the Bhagavad Gita with no commentary. It's a short book that way. It was really enjoyable and I felt motivated to practice yoga from reading it. That was nice. It's weird for me to read books from other religions though because I'm a Christian so I usually don't do that. 

What is it you're studying for again?

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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

Thank you and congrats on being off cigarettes too. I heard quitting smoking is the hardest. But it's so bad for your health you're doing yourself a big favor staying off it. Sounds like you have been pretty serious about your studies throughout life. I've gotten a bit more serious over time, but never could apply myself that diligently. Possibly from games possibly because it was just too much for me. I've read the Bhagavad Gita with no commentary. It's a short book that way. It was really enjoyable and I felt motivated to practice yoga from reading it. That was nice. It's weird for me to read books from other religions though because I'm a Christian so I usually don't do that. 

What is it you're studying for again?

Hey @Erik2.0 :) I tried to quit smoking maybe 10 times over the course of 3 years before I succeeded. But the last time I quit something was different, I really made a decision not to smoke for the rest of my life. I am not sure what else I've said and what my thoughts where at the time, but when I quit I really felt I will never smoke again. Funny thing is, I didn't even have any sort of withdrawal symptoms.

I am studying philosophy, that's the reason I've read "Genealogy of morals" more than once :) I want to be a good philosophy professor and an author one day.

I'm glad you've read Bhagavad Gita, it is considered to be one of the most important texts of Vedic spirituality. I was a Christian before (I am from a Catholic family), and I still read the Bible from time to time. Half a year ago I participated in the traditionalist Latin mass with my friend who is going to become a priest, I prayed with the rest. Any type of sincere worship of God is good in my book. I respect Christianity, Christian philosophy and especially Jesus.

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Entry 24 (day 38):

My entries are going to be more minimalist in a next week or two because I feel I've been spending too much time here as of lately (around 2 hours a day). Also I apologize but I won't be replying to your questions so I don't have a reason to check this forum several times a day.

Mood: I was energized like I haven't been since I've started this journal. I was pumped. It maybe has something to do with 7th day (no fap) testosterone spike. The only bad thing about it is that I lashed out with anger towards my mother when she was just a bit irritating, it was not deserved (besides, I don't think anger outbursts are ever good for you, but sometimes they are understandable, this time it was neither). I plan to apologize to her later today.

How the day went: 

  1. written an entry
  2. washed the dishes
  3. listened to a guru talk about compassion
  4. chilled a bit with my brother
  5. meditated
  6. Sorted all the things that need to be thrown out of my old mother's office, this took over 3 hours.*
  7. Made dinner for my family (this took around an hour an a half)
  8. ate (it was delicious)
  9. Went to the gym

When i came home from the gym it was 9 pm and I had some energy left in me to study for maybe an hour, but I didn't. I decided to dedicate the next day to studying. Read some scriptures and went to sleep around 10:30 pm.

My mother should've done this years ago. I needed to basically trick her (in an innocent way, she didn't feel manipulated) into coming to my house (where her old office is) so we finally do this. My brother and I have a long term plan of turning her old office into our hub where we can hang around and bring girls. 

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for Lord of the Rings trilogy. I can draw endless inspiration from it. (I watch the movies 1-2 times a year). 

P.S. I wanted to share my personal favorite Black Metal album with you guys Batushka - Litourgiya. Masterful Polish band. I love Orthodox Christian (in Old Church Slavonic language) singing in it. 

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Your chosen profession is awesome. Good luck becoming a philosophy professor. This Christian black metal band is interesting. It's like hardcore catholic music? Sounds like your plan to create a hangout area with your brother is coming along. Lord of the Rings. That's a good one. 

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On 6/10/2020 at 5:41 AM, gargamel said:

 I wanted to share my personal favorite Black Metal album with you guys Batushka - Litourgiya. Masterful Polish band. I love Orthodox Christian (in Old Church Slavonic language) singing in it. 

That is a really interesting take on Christian music. Do you like Skillet? They are Christian rock band I think they have lot of great songs.

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@Marek Never listened to Skillet before, they seem interesting on the first glance, maybe I'll get around to listening to them, thank you for your recommendation.

Sorry if tl;dr, I'm distressed

Entry 25 (days 39-44) - Experiment gone wrong (not terribly wrong, I hope), I am still filled with so much fear

Summary: I'm back after 5 days of not writing my journal. Willful absence from here was a mistake. Even if I spend an hour every morning writing my entry, even if I spend another hour throughout the day sending private massages or replying to your questions, it is still totally worth it. This forum keeps me focused on the day to come. To be honest, I thought I didn't write my journal for 3 days, not 5 already, which shows how unaware I got without it. I don't know exactly what I have done for the last couple of days, so I'll probably forget about 30% of it. In general, I know I was meditating every day, I know I was reading the holy scriptures every day (more so than usual, which is not a good thing, I'll talk about this later). I know I have washed a lot of dishes, went to the gym regularly, made another tasty dinner for my family, and I watched Fellowship of the Ring again. (watching The Two Towers at the moment). And I know I didn't study at all. 

Should I count not playing games and not watching porn as an accomplishment at this point? I guess I should, considering a lot of you guys had a couple of relapses. I have to be grateful about the progress I've made, and... you know what - I really am. I am grateful I am clean of porn and video games, I am grateful I got used to serving my family and being more active, but this cannot and shouldn't keep me happy. Here is the catch - every moment that goes by that I am not studying (or organizing my studying, or contacting people for materials, or calling my professors for advice and other info), I am one big, fat step closer towards destroying this beautiful opportunity I got in my life. I maybe already ruined it, but lets hope I can compensate my lost time with some serious 5th gear mode.

I had a panic attack 2 days ago when I was about to go to my bed, ended up being awake for the next couple of hours. It wasn't the strongest panic attack ever, but maybe the strongest will get me in the next couple of days, I feel the tension rising every minute, wish me luck and strength. Other than that, my mood was extraordinarily calm, mostly positive and even inspired, but that's because I was successfully ignoring reality. This just goes to the ROOTS of why I ended up playing computer games and watching porn for such large parts of my life. I got so used to ignoring reality, I enjoy forgetting about reality and just drifting freely away, way too much, 1/3 of me dreaming about the future, 1/3 of me contemplating philosophical truths, 1/3 of me just enjoying this calm, sleepy, cozy, pleasant, content existence in willful ignorance - this illusory freedom, this fake detachment, this counterfeit enlightenment.

There is a couple of important reasons why this is the case. But the most important one is - that I went through a lot of pain in my life, and I have hidden, I have found my safe space, and I have been licking my wounds ever since. I know that willful ignorance is a defense mechanism, probably the most Important one. Who wants to feel this high amounts of anxiety and psychological pain? Nobody. But I have to suffer through this, I have to. I have to. I need to fix my life. I don't want to die, I want to live. I don't want to sleep, I want to be awake. I don't want ignorance, I want truth. I don't want to fantasize, I want to experience. 

... Ok, so here's the deal

Next 2 and a half weeks are going to be incredibly difficult for me. I will need to study every moment I can. I will need to push my will constantly. I'll have to suffer through heavy stress and more than a couple panic attacks. Let's hope i can make it. lets hope I salvage this mess. I am so scared. This day is already badly spent. I cannot salvage it, I am already starting to feel tired and I am negative and I don't have strength. Tomorrow morning is when things will start happening.

I'll write my journal entries every day again. I'll keep my focus, I'll stay present and make most of the time I have left.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful I am physically healthy.

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11 hours ago, gargamel said:

@Marek Never listened to Skillet before, they seem interesting on the first glance, maybe I'll get around to listening to them, thank you for your recommendation.

Sorry if tl;dr, I'm distressed

Entry 25 (days 39-44) - Experiment gone wrong (not terribly wrong, I hope), I am still filled with so much fear

Summary: I'm back after 5 days of not writing my journal. Willful absence from here was a mistake. Even if I spend an hour every morning writing my entry, even if I spend another hour throughout the day sending private massages or replying to your questions, it is still totally worth it. This forum keeps me focused on the day to come. To be honest, I thought I didn't write my journal for 3 days, not 5 already, which shows how unaware I got without it. I don't know exactly what I have done for the last couple of days, so I'll probably forget about 30% of it. In general, I know I was meditating every day, I know I was reading the holy scriptures every day (more so than usual, which is not a good thing, I'll talk about this later). I know I have washed a lot of dishes, went to the gym regularly, made another tasty dinner for my family, and I watched Fellowship of the Ring again. (watching The Two Towers at the moment). And I know I didn't study at all. 

Should I count not playing games and not watching porn as an accomplishment at this point? I guess I should, considering a lot of you guys had a couple of relapses. I have to be grateful about the progress I've made, and... you know what - I really am. I am grateful I am clean of porn and video games, I am grateful I got used to serving my family and being more active, but this cannot and shouldn't keep me happy. Here is the catch - every moment that goes by that I am not studying (or organizing my studying, or contacting people for materials, or calling my professors for advice and other info), I am one big, fat step closer towards destroying this beautiful opportunity I got in my life. I maybe already ruined it, but lets hope I can compensate my lost time with some serious 5th gear mode.

I had a panic attack 2 days ago when I was about to go to my bed, ended up being awake for the next couple of hours. It wasn't the strongest panic attack ever, but maybe the strongest will get me in the next couple of days, I feel the tension rising every minute, wish me luck and strength. Other than that, my mood was extraordinarily calm, mostly positive and even inspired, but that's because I was successfully ignoring reality. This just goes to the ROOTS of why I ended up playing computer games and watching porn for such large parts of my life. I got so used to ignoring reality, I enjoy forgetting about reality and just drifting freely away, way too much, 1/3 of me dreaming about the future, 1/3 of me contemplating philosophical truths, 1/3 of me just enjoying this calm, sleepy, cozy, pleasant, content existence in willful ignorance - this illusory freedom, this fake detachment, this counterfeit enlightenment.

There is a couple of important reasons why this is the case. But the most important one is - that I went through a lot of pain in my life, and I have hidden, I have found my safe space, and I have been licking my wounds ever since. I know that willful ignorance is a defense mechanism, probably the most Important one. Who wants to feel this high amounts of anxiety and psychological pain? Nobody. But I have to suffer through this, I have to. I have to. I need to fix my life. I don't want to die, I want to live. I don't want to sleep, I want to be awake. I don't want ignorance, I want truth. I don't want to fantasize, I want to experience. 

... Ok, so here's the deal

Next 2 and a half weeks are going to be incredibly difficult for me. I will need to study every moment I can. I will need to push my will constantly. I'll have to suffer through heavy stress and more than a couple panic attacks. Let's hope i can make it. lets hope I salvage this mess. I am so scared. This day is already badly spent. I cannot salvage it, I am already starting to feel tired and I am negative and I don't have strength. Tomorrow morning is when things will start happening.

I'll write my journal entries every day again. I'll keep my focus, I'll stay present and make most of the time I have left.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful I am physically healthy.

Can I give you some advice? I think you're psyching yourself up way too much to study and putting too much pressure on it. This is making you want to avoid it because you're making a mountain out of a mole hill (I'm not trying to discredit how difficult studying is, I've been in your shoes before).  Read your post over again and notice the flow of it. Then read your previous posts. 

You're having anxiety because you don't want to blow another beautiful opportunity. It's not a fear of failure, it's a fear of stress and facing the problem. You're actively and passively ignoring it. The issue is in the bolded statement in the second paragraph and the last major paragraph. Read those over again. Look how much pressure you're putting yourself under. If you keep thinking about the consequences of failing, the stress of having to study, outlining the steps of studying, etc. you're going to never study. 

I have the same test/study anxiety. Fortunately, I am done with my master's degree and just have one professional exam to pass this fall. It's easy to panic. You've thought about studying for the longest time already. Just sit down for 1 hour tomorrow and study. Don't be afraid of it. Just put all of the material in front of you in an organized way and write down a small study outline. Just write down the major things. 

Create a bullet list

  1. Topic 1
  2. Topic 2
  3. Topic 3
  4. etc...

Don't create sub lists. You'll just stress yourself out

  1. Topic 1
    1. A
    2. B
    3. C
    4. D
    5. E
  2. Topic 2
    1. A
    2. b
    3. c
    4. d

Just study. If you feel yourself getting anxiety about studying drop to the ground and do 10-30 pushups, call a friend or family member and yell at them about your issue, and get it all out of your system, then study. Don't think about the act of studying. Just study. 

You have two options. You can either study and get this out of your way so you can move on in life, or you can continue to avoid it, fuck up, and regret blowing your opportunity and have additional anxiety and stress.

I'm not trying to be an asshole. I think you've done a tremendous job quitting games and porn, something I wish I could do but keep watching porn like a moron. You can do this. I believe in you and so do you. It's in there somewhere.

Good luck and get angry. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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@BooksandTrees Thank you for your advice. You are not being an asshole in the least. I obviously have an axiety problem with studying and an unhealthy thought pattern regarding it, so I really appreciate every word of advice I can get. I'll try my best today to avoid the pitfalls of overpsyching myself.

Entry 26 (day 45) -

I've written my last entry in the evening, so I already talked about how most of my day went. After it i have:

  1. Meditated for over an hour
  2. Prayed to God after meditation, made a vow
  3. washed the dishes
  4. did laundry
  5. cleaned my desk drawers of old, unnecessary papers (Some of it where my inconsistent, free flow journals I've written over the course of 5 years, along with my philosophical musings. I read through most of it before trowing it into trash. Another piece of clutter I am glad to be rid of, both literally and figuratively.)

And that's basically it. I had some problem falling to sleep, but in the end I had a decent sleep.

P.S. I woke up this morning after a really weird dream, which I written down immediately, but I will write it down here if I end up losing my notes. This was the structure:

1) first I ended up falling into my old bad behavior patterns unrelated to gaming (i was strolling around the town aimlessly, entered a bar)
2) i got into trouble in bar with a group of people and the police (just because I was there, because of bad association)
3) I needed to escape it (not in an unhealthy way, nobody should stay there)
4) I sneaked a bit and found a way to a hidden priests room
5) It was clean and pretty and I managed to go outside of the building through the window of the room
6) I entangled myself into some wines in the yard of the building
7) One girl noticed me (she was with the group that wanted to keep me in the bar)
8.) She entangled herself trying to get me (she had bad intentions towards myself)
9) I got horny and started grouping and kissing her
10) When I released myself from the wines, I first released her, then I pulled her towards me, kissed her again and asked her out
11) She accepted without hesitation
12) I woke up 

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for never giving up, for never losing hope.

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