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piece of life, peace of mind


gargamel
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@Ikar I wouldn't say me and my ex have "a relationship". Last time we had a proper conversation was over a year ago. But the way I broke up with her was such that I think neither side should ultimately have any sort of bad blood after 2 years, and I think we don't. We haven't talked in a long time because I sensed she was still trying to win me over and I didn't want to feed her hopes. I think I'll ask her for a cup of coffee in the next few months, I want to catch up with her and hear how she's been doing. The only negative thing I might expect was that she will trash talk Veronika, they dislike each other a lot because of me. 

In the next 10 years, i will have ample opportunity to find a wife. Even now I can think of a couple of girls that, if I pursued them, we might have ended up in a serious and healthy relationship that I would want to elevate to marriage. If I end up not marrying, it will be because I always prioritized something else, always pushing it into the future and thinking something else needs to be done first. At the moment, I am in the process of becoming a man I want to be. Before I get situated, I will be a bit reluctant to find a girl. I first want to find my freedom and then let someone enter my world, not try to find freedom in another's world (as was happening with me and Scarlet, as well as 8 months ago with me and one TV journalist girl I haven't even mentioned until now). 

Entry 44 (day 78) - short summary of the past week

I got comfortable in the last 7 days. I wanted to be more productive than I ended up being. I haven't been working out almost at all, and I wasn't pushing myself half as hard as I would want to in getting my university stuff done, and I didn't research Judo/Jujitsu places. This week I'll try to do things a bit differently. I'll focus on one day at the time.

The only thing I can be proud of in the last week is that I cooked some new food, spent some time researching new ingredients and stuff like that. But even that had a bad consequence - I think I ended up gaining at least 1 if not 2 kg back. But I think I know exactly what I need to do to reverse this trend, so wish me luck.


Daily gratitude: I am grateful for yesterdays lasting peace after my meditation. 

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2 hours ago, gargamel said:

I wouldn't say me and my ex have "a relationship". Last time we had a proper conversation was over a year ago. But the way I broke up with her was such that I think neither side should ultimately have any sort of bad blood after 2 years, and I think we don't. We haven't talked in a long time because I sensed she was still trying to win me over and I didn't want to feed her hopes. I think I'll ask her for a cup of coffee in the next few months, I want to catch up with her and hear how she's been doing. The only negative thing I might expect was that she will trash talk Veronika, they dislike each other a lot because of me. 

That's what I meant, not having any bad blood, maintaining a respectful silence. Hopefully they won't dis each other in an attempt to "win" you over, even more if you have other priorities now.

2 hours ago, gargamel said:

In the next 10 years, i will have ample opportunity to find a wife. Even now I can think of a couple of girls that, if I pursued them, we might have ended up in a serious and healthy relationship that I would want to elevate to marriage. If I end up not marrying, it will be because I always prioritized something else, always pushing it into the future and thinking something else needs to be done first. At the moment, I am in the process of becoming a man I want to be. Before I get situated, I will be a bit reluctant to find a girl. I first want to find my freedom and then let someone enter my world, not try to find freedom in another's world (as was happening with me and Scarlet, as well as 8 months ago with me and one TV journalist girl I haven't even mentioned until now). 

100%. Let them come when you know that you are ready enough you think you can handle the relationship. I found out that I got what I deserved and needed from my last relationship, though I didn't like the lesson I got at all at first.

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@Erik2.0 Yes. Russel did a fantastic job. As did J. Pheonix. I love the movie. I would give it a 10 out of 10 if the story was just slightly more complex and that chemistry between Maximus and Lucilla was stronger. But still, fantastic! I love movies that uplift your spirits and teach good values, and Maximus is a great role model.

Entry 45 (79-83): A lot of time wasted. Laziness got the best of me. Typical for my summer.

What I was doing: Last 5 days blend into each other. I cannot easily differentiate between them because they were uneventful.

  1. I maintained the house 
  2. I cooked and baked a bit
  3. I worked out a bit
  4. Read for uni a bit
  5. I meditated (not that diligently)
  6. I binge watched a season of Masterchef and 2 seasons of a TV series

As you might imagine, 6. took most of my waking time. I think I spent around 8 hours a day watching TV. Masterchef interests me because it fuels my love of cooking, and the TV series I got into was captivating enough that I decided I will binge watch it just so I can "be done with it asap" and not think about it. I'm done with both of them so now I have an opportunity to funnel my energy back into those constructive and necessary things that need to be done.

How I felt: Because of my bingewatch I experienced mild anxiety again. Also, sitting in your couch for that amount of time will certainly make you slothful and low energy. I experienced a lot of mental fog in the afternoons as well. All in all, not great. 

What I'll do about it: I decided yesterday that I will be back to my pre-summer schedule. I took a vow to begin every morning in my next 2 weeks with meditation and writing a journal entry. I'm also putting my study for exams back into focus. I feel really optimistic about it because I sense my will is strong and the last period is obviously an inferior way of life, both in terms of my values, my reason, as well as my feelings, life satisfaction, et cetera. Basically, nothing in me except laziness and lethargy wants to continue with this bad trend I got myself on. After I finish with this entry, I am going to organize the rest of the day. 

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for this forum. Writing a diary proved really useful.

@Ikar when i saw you liked my post, I checked and fixed one "where into were", hahahhah

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I love movies that teach good values and uplift the spirits too. That's such a great description of good cinema. Good job fixing your where into were. Looking good. 8 hours is a serious binge watching episode. I do 2 hours sometimes, but that's my max for one session. It sounds like you're going to change that behavior and do something more productive. Like your reading. I think reading is great tv deterrent.

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9 hours ago, gargamel said:

@Erik2.0 Yes. Russel did a fantastic job. As did J. Pheonix. I love the movie. I would give it a 10 out of 10 if the story was just slightly more complex and that chemistry between Maximus and Lucilla was stronger. But still, fantastic! I love movies that uplift your spirits and teach good values, and Maximus is a great role model.

Entry 45 (79-83): A lot of time wasted. Laziness got the best of me. Typical for my summer.

What I was doing: Last 5 days blend into each other. I cannot easily differentiate between them because they were uneventful.

  1. I maintained the house 
  2. I cooked and baked a bit
  3. I worked out a bit
  4. Read for uni a bit
  5. I meditated (not that diligently)
  6. I binge watched a season of Masterchef and 2 seasons of a TV series

As you might imagine, 6. took most of my waking time. I think I spent around 8 hours a day watching TV. Masterchef interests me because it fuels my love of cooking, and the TV series I got into was captivating enough that I decided I will binge watch it just so I can "be done with it asap" and not think about it. I'm done with both of them so now I have an opportunity to funnel my energy back into those constructive and necessary things that need to be done.

How I felt: Because of my bingewatch I experienced mild anxiety again. Also, sitting in your couch for that amount of time will certainly make you slothful and low energy. I experienced a lot of mental fog in the afternoons as well. All in all, not great. 

What I'll do about it: I decided yesterday that I will be back to my pre-summer schedule. I took a vow to begin every morning in my next 2 weeks with meditation and writing a journal entry. I'm also putting my study for exams back into focus. I feel really optimistic about it because I sense my will is strong and the last period is obviously an inferior way of life, both in terms of my values, my reason, as well as my feelings, life satisfaction, et cetera. Basically, nothing in me except laziness and lethargy wants to continue with this bad trend I got myself on. After I finish with this entry, I am going to organize the rest of the day. 

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for this forum. Writing a diary proved really useful.

@Ikar when i saw you liked my post, I checked and fixed one "where into were", hahahhah

I think you're experiencing stuff we all face. It's difficult to relax and do something for a few hours because we get trigger warnings in our brain that we're repeating addictive behaviors again. 

It's ok though. The binge watching can be curbed. I watched all of top chef this quarantine and realized I gotta stop so now I watch half hour of tv and half hour of YouTube an hour before bed. 

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@Erik2.0 Reading is much more active. TV usually makes me sleepy and unfocused, while reading stimulates my thinking even when the material isn't directly intellectual.
@BooksandTrees Yeah, I bet lots of people struggle with similar moments in life. The good thing for me is that I get tired of binge watching pretty quickly. I can maybe sustain that lifestyle for a week before every part of me wants to quit. On the other hand, I could spend a month of playing computer games all day before I start considering should I quit. 

Entry 46 (day 84): back on track

Good day. I have cleaned a lot, I have read a decent amount and my mental fog is gone. i went to my mother for dinner, she showed me how to make pizza (simple Italian dressings - olive oil, tomato sauce, mozzarella, oregano and fresh basil leafs). I bought a (kindle) book on amazon that I wanted to read for a while, so I am excited to read through it today.

In the evening, I should have went to a bar with a friend (Veronika's best friend), but she cancelled on me again. I am not sure why is she doing it so often... She is almost always first to contact me, asks me to hang out and then postpones it a couple of times before we actually meet. Weird pattern of behaviour, especially considering that it only started happening in 2020.. I am a type of a person that "never" cancels appointments and dates, unless something totally urgent comes up. So I feel disrespected when someone does it to me to a point it becomes a pattern. I think I will be vocal about it. 27 years of my life were enough to prove to me without any doubt that people will find time for you if they want to find time for you*, the only exception being - if they are in depression or some other difficult struggle, but this is not the case with her.

* Believe me when i say this. Some younger people might think otherwise - but please believe, (its common sense): If someone is cancelling on you often, you are obviously pretty damn low on their (social) priority list, no matter if they say that "you are really important to them" in any way. It is said that "actions speak louder than words", well I totally agree... I think that words without actions only serve to muddle the situation.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for my room. I feel completely myself when I am in it.

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2 hours ago, gargamel said:

In the evening, I should have went to a bar with a friend (Veronika's best friend), but she cancelled on me again. I am not sure why is she doing it so often... She is almost always first to contact me, asks me to hang out and then postpones it a couple of times before we actually meet. Weird pattern of behaviour, especially considering that it only started happening in 2020.. I am a type of a person that "never" cancels appointments and dates, unless something totally urgent comes up. So I feel disrespected when someone does it to me to a point it becomes a pattern. I think I will be vocal about it. 27 years of my life were enough to prove to me without any doubt that people will find time for you if they want to find time for you*, the only exception being - if they are in depression or some other difficult struggle, but this is not the case with her.

* Believe me when i say this. Some younger people might think otherwise - but please believe, (its common sense): If someone is cancelling on you often, you are obviously pretty damn low on their (social) priority list, no matter if they say that "you are really important to them" in any way. It is said that "actions speak louder than words", well I totally agree... I think that words without actions only serve to muddle the situation.

Damn, I was supposed to go on a birthday party yesterday, but it got cancelled the day before. I had another social opportunity coming up though, so I took that instead.

I don't take it kindly when someone cancels on me either. It's manageable if it's at least the day before, so I can make some other plans, but if it's a couple of hours before or even minutes before... I mention it the next time we meet, generally as the first thing (mainly because I think it has the highest chance to get through to the person). Not because I am never late or to smack them with it for the sake of it, but because I want that friendship to have some standards. I'm probably rougher with this on people the more I care about them.

It's great that we notice these things and are able to detach and assess the situation. Plus you get a good read on people V associates with and ponder about why that is. You know your sheer existence is the reason for competition and jealousy between at least two women 😄

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Oh man, I lost my kindle in the move. I lost my running belt too just from misplacing it somehow yesterday. And my tub of Metamucil. I'm missing a lot of things. Anyways. I hope things work out with V's best friend. That's too bad she isn't taking time to hang. It's nice having a safe place to go like your room.

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@Ikar Respect for other person's time and schedule is important always, but especially with friends. Often times, sadly, people treat their close ones and family worse than they treat people they don't know. 
@Erik2.0 When I was a kid I lost stuff all the time - umbrellas, keys, books, money, you name it! I hope you find your running belt at least 🙂

Entry 47 (day 85):

Short one. I fried calamari for the first time and it was more difficult than I expected. Later I made american pancakes again and it seems like I finally got good with it. Even managed to make a decent caramel as a topping for it. Other than cooking, I have read the kindle book (finished it today), rode my bike for short of an hour for my cardio workout, meditated (finally as dedicated as before), washed the dishes and hanged out with my brother a bit.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for air conditioning. 

P.S. @Ikar, you might like this lecture series I am listening to. Also, check out that youtube channel, it's filled with top quality academic material on philosophy.

Edit: I forgot to mention I masturbated a couple of times. I want to get back to my 2 weeks breaks from masturbation, so I'll make a serious vow later today. 

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3 hours ago, gargamel said:

@Ikar Respect for other person's time and schedule is important always, but especially with friends. Often times, sadly, people threat their close ones and family worse than they threat people they don't know. 

I'm not sure if it's "threat" or "treat", because each of those make the sentence radically different and I don't know to which one to respond 😮

3 hours ago, gargamel said:

P.S. @Ikar, you might like this lecture series I am listening to. Also, check out that youtube channel, it's filled with top quality academic material on philosophy.

I'll check it out, thanks for the tip!

3 hours ago, gargamel said:

Edit: I forgot to mention I masturbated a couple of times. I want to get back to my 2 weeks breaks from masturbation, so I'll make a serious vow later today. 

For myself, I find it's the easiest to avoid masturbation about 3-4 days since the last one, but I get really animated on day 6-7. I think then it drops off again, but I seldom got past a week. I also find that masturbating twice in rapid succession (anywhere between the next 15 minutes and 48 hours) makes me feel extremely sedated. I'm almost worried about having sex once or twice a week in the future relationship, if it makes me this tame 😄

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4 hours ago, gargamel said:

Often times, sadly, people threat their close ones and family worse than they threat people they don't know. 

That's true. My sis is not nice to me or my parents. Thanks for your well wishes I hope my belt turns up too. Have you thought about just permanently doing nofap? It might be easier than two weeks on and off.

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19 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I'm almost worried about having sex once or twice a week in the future relationship

Don't be, I was regularly having sex more than twice a week with my ex and I never felt sedated as I do if I masturbate. We sometimes had sex 3 times in a span of 2 hours and it was always energizing. 

19 minutes ago, Ikar said:

"threat" or "treat"

hahahha, omg. this one is even more obvious. thank you. It's treat, of course.

19 minutes ago, Ikar said:

on day 6-7. I think then it drops off again

Around the 7th day we have a spike in male sexual hormones, and after it it drops of, that's the reason :)
 

19 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Have you thought about just permanently doing nofap? It might be easier than two weeks on and off.

To be honest, I am kind of scared of it. I think I would end up having "casual" sex if I went nofap. But I am considering it.

Edit: You know what! I'll go a month of pure nofap. Let's see what results will it bring. 

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2 hours ago, gargamel said:

To be honest, I am kind of scared of it. I think I would end up having "casual" sex if I went nofap. But I am considering it.

Edit: You know what! I'll go a month of pure nofap. Let's see what results will it bring. 

Awesome. Props to you for giving it a go. Very adventurous of you. I've done 2 months of nofap and didn't end up having casual sex or becoming an enraged pheromone saturated beast of any sorts. I think it's safe. 

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@Erik2.0 I think it will go just fine :) Thanks for giving me a push

Entry 48 (day 86): 

I'm writing this entry only because I told myself I won't skip a day in the next 2 weeks. Yesterday was another positive step to getting completely back on track. I felt encouraged. The only negative feelings where elements of melancholy. I've read a lot, and I thought a lot.

Now that I mentioned thinking, I should mention that I have been processing a looot of information lately. I've read around 18 books over the course of 40-ish days, as well as listened to a hours and hours of educational material, and the post-processing was very fruitful. I feel like I could write a serious book in a span of 3 weeks. But I have to focus on my official education first. Later today I'll be writing an essay for my uni. Hopefully my professor accepts it.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful I know exactly what path I chose for myself. Finding motivation and right attitude to execute it is becoming more natural to me.

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Thank you for sharing your story here. 
 

I am so glad you are finding joy in cooking. You could try a lemon sauce for your pancakes. It tastes very delicious. 
 

First spread soften butter, then sprinkle some sugar, then squeeze lemon on top. It’s soo yummy!
 

Have a beautiful day 

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Good job keeping the streak going. That's an incredible amount of reading and learning you've been doing lately. That'd be cool if you wrote a book. Writing your essays is a good priority to have too.

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On 7/27/2020 at 4:24 PM, gargamel said:

Often times, sadly, people treat their close ones and family worse than they treat people they don't know. 

I think every masquerade is bound to manifest itself eventually. I think I actually grew closer (respect/reliability) to my family and appreciate them more now that I am away from them and see them just once a week. I think the "normal" route is that you move from your parents eventually anyhow. It just depends on what do you want from each relationship.

On 7/27/2020 at 8:51 PM, gargamel said:

To be honest, I am kind of scared of it. I think I would end up having "casual" sex if I went nofap. But I am considering it.

Edit: You know what! I'll go a month of pure nofap. Let's see what results will it bring. 

Good luck! I think it's one of the harder routes you could've taken in your current situation, so let's see how good of a handle do you have on the beast. You seem to have a healthy social life and women that'd potentially desire you, so I think it'll be a testament to your discipline and will if you pull it off.

On 7/27/2020 at 10:53 PM, Erik2.0 said:

Awesome. Props to you for giving it a go. Very adventurous of you. I've done 2 months of nofap and didn't end up having casual sex or becoming an enraged pheromone saturated beast of any sorts. I think it's safe. 

I think it has something to do with how one lives their life. I think the CV situation caused a lot of extremes - it was easier to "purify"(I started getting up at 6), but also to "taint" oneself (say a potential gaming addict became a full-fledged one).

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@Icandothis I am glad to see you here! I might make pancakes in the next few days again, so I'll try your lemon topping. I always put butter, its really good :)
@Erik2.0 Yeah, getting close to my 90th day free of video games. I am at that point where nostalgia starts being the biggest issue, where you start forgetting about the negatives and remember gaming only in its positive light - being fun, exploratory, thought and imagination provoking. Gladly, I'll always have other art for that, and there is a lot of things I always wanted to do but didn't because I was spending time gaming, for example - writing (I might talk a bit about writing later)
@Ikar My social life isn't perfect, mostly because I am going through a period of personal transformation so I also question what people are beneficial to it and what aren't. I am also reconsidering my priorities when it comes to friendship, which you remember I already talked about - my decision not to hang out with Steven in any deep or regular way, for example. About the girls... There are multiple girls that have expressed pretty (or totally) direct sexual interest in me in the last year, so I know if I contacted them they would find time to hang out in my place. None of them interest me as potential girlfriends though, mostly because all of them live chaotic lives and are - surprise, surprise - kind of slutty. When I think about it, they have a lot in common with my ex, with whom I ended up having a good relationship, but I ended it, for reasons that would veeeery likely apply to those girls as well, so I am not going to repeat that mistake. I got "disciplined" with it because I was in a 5 year relationship. I was approached by women in that period (a lot, at least before I got depressed and secluded myself, but even in that period), mostly girls from my uni, so I had to learn how to say no to their advances. 

Entry 49 (day 87) 

I'll keep it short again. I read a decent amount again, I went to the library to get my uni material, sent an e-mail to a professor, he responded and it seeeeems as if he will accept my proposition? He gave me instructions on what to improve upon and said we will hear each other in September. 


I rode my bike to the beautiful park I mentioned a while ago. I set at a secluded place by the little lake and meditated a short period surrounded by chillin ducks (around 8 of them were only couple of meters away, standing almost unflinchingly bellow a tree, some were slowly circling around the place). I reminded myself about the importance of finding beautiful things in this world to get a healthy motivation for my aspirations. Later, my brother asked my how I'm doing so I entered into a half an hour monologue about all the things that have been occupying my attention. This also helped me.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful for those little ducks. They reminded me that my ex had a phobia of them (ducks specifically, yep, haha) and it made me laugh. I always found it extremely funny and cute, although I also was disappointed in myself that I didn't manage to help her surpass that fear.

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2 hours ago, gargamel said:

@Ikar My social life isn't perfect, mostly because I am going through a period of personal transformation so I also question what people are beneficial to it and what aren't. I am also reconsidering my priorities when it comes to friendship, which you remember I already talked about - my decision not to hang out with Steven in any deep or regular way, for example. About the girls... There are multiple girls that have expressed pretty (or totally) direct sexual interest in me in the last year, so I know if I contacted them they would find time to hang out in my place. None of them interest me as potential girlfriends though, mostly because all of them live chaotic lives and are - surprise, surprise - kind of slutty. When I think about it, they have a lot in common with my ex, with whom I ended up having a good relationship, but I ended it, for reasons that would veeeery likely apply to those girls as well, so I am not going to repeat that mistake. I got "disciplined" with it because I was in a 5 year relationship. I was approached by women in that period (a lot, at least before I got depressed and secluded myself, but even in that period), mostly girls from my uni, so I had to learn how to say no to their advances. 

Like attracts like. If you live a chaotic life with no rules, you will click with other people who live a chaotic life with no rules.

I think females are more likely to start "making moves" the older they get too, so it could be that from my tall ripe age of 22 I haven't had a chance to see a lot of that yet. But myself, I started seeing people in a new way after I quit gaming and I literally only started seeing people just several months ago, so it could be that I wasn't skilled enough/didn't have enough opportunities to notice that. Although there have been a few cases, except the fact with all those girls I don't want to have more in common than a contact on Messenger 😄

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9 hours ago, Ikar said:

I think it has something to do with how one lives their life. I think the CV situation caused a lot of extremes - it was easier to "purify"(I started getting up at 6), but also to "taint" oneself (say a potential gaming addict became a full-fledged one).

I could see where you're coming from. I think CV is making a lot of people play more games from what I've heard. I was doing nofap before CV started so it wasn't what motivated me to nofap I don't think. 

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6 hours ago, gargamel said:

Yeah, getting close to my 90th day free of video games. I am at that point where nostalgia starts being the biggest issue, where you start forgetting about the negatives and remember gaming only in its positive light - being fun, exploratory, thought and imagination provoking. Gladly, I'll always have other art for that, and there is a lot of things I always wanted to do but didn't because I was spending time gaming, for example - writing (I might talk a bit about writing later)

Congrats on approaching 90 days. That's a big milestone. After 90 your brain refreshes itself and the levels of dopamine or whatever reset to normal. According to those videos @Cam Adair puts out. I hear you on that gaming nostalgia. I get that too where I only remember the good parts of the game. Like having something to do. Making progress and accomplishments in the game etc. But I think it's good to remind ourselves why we quit in the first place. I had no control over myself or my life. I was stuck gaming all the time and couldn't stop myself. I felt hopeless and like I'd just be an addict for the rest of my life. I didn't like how I was all anxious and not really that happy while I was gaming. 

That sounds nice to be approached by girls. I rarely meet girls or other people. Your duck watching sounded nice too. Don't feed them though it's supposedly not good for them.

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On 12/14/2015 at 5:58 PM, Cam Adair said:

Hey! Awesome to see your journal up here. Have you read The Power of Habit by Charlie Duhigg? That would be a good one to start with. The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson is also good.

I love books to help keep my perspective and attitude focused.

This quote somehow appeared in my box just now idk? I read some of the power of habit and finished the slight edge. I really liked what the slight edge had to say about making healthy habits and continuing with them. How it builds up to a big result over time. It was really motivating to go do productive things with my time.

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Gonna write an entry tomorrow morning. Just came here to express my mini disappointment in myself regarding sticking to my word. I started making promises to myself more liberally again, I don't take them serious enough. I said I'll write journal entries every day only a few days ago and I already broke it. I mean... its not a big deal... but its silly. 

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Entry 50 (days 88-90)

90 days passed after I quit gaming. This was an incredibly beneficial life decision. I am afraid to think about where would have I been if I continued to game. 90 days is enough to disconnect from unhealthy habits and from gaming community. Hopefully I never come back to gaming, because gaming stilts my life progress, and it makes me a worse person in almost every way.

I read a lot, I made progress in my university, found new hobby in cooking, helped my family in a lot of little practical ways, deepened my spirituality and understanding of God and finally managed to meditate daily. I've made some improvements in my character. Slowly maturing into a person I want to be one day.

Last few days where pretty good. I've read, helped my grandparents with furniture, cooked 2 new dinners, also @Icandothis, I made pancakes - butter, sugar and lemon is exeptional. I think this will be my primary way I'll eat my pancakes ❤️ also, went with Leo to a cafe and discussed politics and philosophy in a really well structured way. All in all, 3 decent days.

Daily gratitude: I am grateful 3 of my grandparents are still alive.

 

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