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Tomas

Time to get real

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Day 1

I just can not justify this anymore. And I am tired of trying. After another week of trying to get Legend in Hearthstone, leveling up and down, crafting new decks, and spending hours and hours doing the same thing over and over again, I finally got to the point where I realize I need to do something about my gaming addiction.

I kept justifying playing games because it seems it does not affect my life that much. I have a nice career, a wonderful girlfriend, a nice social life and I travel a lot. On the outside, it seems I'm fine and getting much out of my life. From the inside, I know better. I developed such a low self esteem.

I'm now 36 years old, and I still have so many dreams to fulfill.  And Iam simply wasting my precious time. Like I said, not all my free time is spend on gaming. But I need to get honest with myself, and see gaming for what it is. Its a time consuming, hypnotizing, brain dead, passive activity. And my wish is to spend my time on more valuable hobby's like making music, working out or just relaxing. 

So... here goes nothing. I deleted my Steam and Battle.net account. I started this journal... And lets quit cold turkey for the next 90 days!

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Day 2

To actually start a journal like this, and write about my problems online... that's new for me. I am not really active on social media, and the fact that I'm putting some sort of record of my personal stuff where anyone can read it feels awkward. But the reason I am doing this is that I want to make this count. I can write morning pages in my own book, safely at home for no one to be seen. But I guess I feel like reaching out a bit. Hopefully I get inspired by others who want to make the best of their lives. Reading some journals from others already helped me to put things in perspective. But also to make me aware that gaming addiction is a serious problem.

So I will be writing from time to time. And its probably a good idea to set an attention for most of the days. 

  • -I will continue and eventually finish the Respawn document
  • I will think of some new "go to" activities to fill up all the empty space
  • I will try not to be to hard on myself and dwell on the past
  • If I get emotional, I will just start a fight on the street or rob some one. No haha... I'm just kidding. If I get emotional, I will simply try to stay calm and do good.

 

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Day 3

I realize that it is a good idea I start seeing my gaming habits as an addiction. I never really looked at it like that before. I kept justifying all those hours I spend on games because its not the only thing in my life I do. So in comparison with "real" addiction, it does not seems so bad. I work, travel, socialize... The thing is, I am addicted. I spend so much time on games while I actually want to learn and do so much other things. Games probably keep me occupied most of the time when I am not working, or socializing. Sad enough, it nowadays does keep me occupied while I am travelling. I am travelling right now. I am in South East Asia, and spend a few days gaming in my air conditioned apartment.  Sad isn't it? There is so much out there to see and do. And here I am looking at my screen.

So... admitting it is an addiction is a good thing.  Finally I see I am the one who should take responsibility what I am doing with my time. I quit smoking before in my life. And now I quit gaming. I already notice some changes. I feel bored, or excited, stressed or I just don't know what to do with my time. So that's where Respawn comes in really handy. My new "to go" activities will be playing and composing music, drawing, running and reading books.

This weekend I won't be writing because I am going to the beach, snorkeling and maybe diving. Not gaming is going to be easy 😉

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10 hours ago, Tomas said:

Day 3

I realize that it is a good idea I start seeing my gaming habits as an addiction. I never really looked at it like that before. I kept justifying all those hours I spend on games because its not the only thing in my life I do. So in comparison with "real" addiction, it does not seems so bad. I work, travel, socialize... The thing is, I am addicted. I spend so much time on games while I actually want to learn and do so much other things. Games probably keep me occupied most of the time when I am not working, or socializing. Sad enough, it nowadays does keep me occupied while I am travelling. I am travelling right now. I am in South East Asia, and spend a few days gaming in my air conditioned apartment.  Sad isn't it? There is so much out there to see and do. And here I am looking at my screen.

So... admitting it is an addiction is a good thing.  Finally I see I am the one who should take responsibility what I am doing with my time. I quit smoking before in my life. And now I quit gaming. I already notice some changes. I feel bored, or excited, stressed or I just don't know what to do with my time. So that's where Respawn comes in really handy. My new "to go" activities will be playing and composing music, drawing, running and reading books.

This weekend I won't be writing because I am going to the beach, snorkeling and maybe diving. Not gaming is going to be easy 😉

It's great that you realized what impact gaming has on your life and are now taking strides to change your habits. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to a new life!

Also do enjoy your time at the beach, there is nothing quite like the experience that a day at the beach can provide.

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I really would love to be traveling right now and seeing the world. I can't lie I am a little jealous of you right now but I will be going to Florida in 6 weeks so I am feeling pretty good. I am going to work on my not gaming and NOFAP and when I go on spring break my detox will be half way through and that will feel very good. Anyways I hope you have fun right now. That'll really help you from gaming this weekend and it's good that you open up that you do have an issue with gaming. That is the first step.

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Day 6

First of all: thanks guys for taking the time to reply. Although it still feels a bit awkward and vulnerable, helping each other makes the process more real and touchable.

I simply had a great time at the beach. We have been swimming and snorkeling. Drove around on a motorbike going to markets and we visited a harbor were we met a couple who's sailing around the world. I am reading a book about an organisation (STRO) with the goal of creating a new type of money. It explains how all of today's money actually competes with everything that is valuable, because of the rent that needs to be paid on every loan. Its a cycle of rent and inflation. STRO wants to change local economies by providing alternatives: money that encourages the use of employment, and discourages the use of resources.

A difficult but interesting subject. It makes me wonder off, and think about this world as a whole and what part I have to play. Its crazy what people nowadays do to earn money. And what am I doing? Am I creating an additional value with what I do? We are all concerned and consumed by the urgency of making a living / earning money. While there is also a big conscious change happening where people start to realize that all this can be different. We don't need that much. We don't need to consume. We don't need to over eat. We don't need entertainment every minute. It makes us unhappy in the long run. I guess consciously not playing games anymore adds to this perspective.

So now... I will be back to work, doing my thing. And write and share a bit in this journal.

Good luck to you all and lets make the best out of this crazy life. 

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Day 7

I have been dreaming about paying games. And then when I woke up, games were on my mind. I specifically thought about crafting factories in Factorio. This game kept my occupied for a while. I just love the way you progress building your first malfunctioning mess of a factory, and then put everything you know in to something better. I remember that after my 6th build, I actually felt sorry about the fact that I could not really use or share all this new knowledge in my daily life. Well... except if I would start a youtube channel or something... 

Its funny to see were craving comes from. Thinking about games like this usually makes me want to... well... play games. Now that I decided not to, I'm looking at it more consciously. And you know what? I am starting to feel a bit nostalgic, I am saying goodbye, farewell... It will probably take a while. We had our fun. But its time to leave it behind. 

  • Today I will be working on my projects
  • I will do bookkeeping and taxes
  • Lets read at least one chapter in Respawn
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Day 8

The last week, I have been occupied with traveling and working. I embraced the digital nomad life style, to escape the cold winters and work from anywhere. I realize that I also need to escape my life back home now and then. At home I am constantly conflicted with the version of myself that I want to be, and confronted with the man I actually am. Traveling makes my life a bit less complex. There is enough to do and explore to keep my mind occupied. And there is so much more time on my hands since there are less social commitments. Like I wrote earlier, I have been using a lot of that time gaming...

But the point I want to make is this. Since I quit gaming I did not really needed the "go to" activities. Well, I am reading more. So that's nice. But at night when I am tired after working I just watch a movie and go to bed. The rest of my time seems filled with natural activities like working and taking strolls. For years I would like to be making and playing more music. I am just wondering if it will become a natural "go to" activity over time, when I am in the process of not gaming a bit longer. Or do I need to take more action on this point?

I will be watching this process. But I am tired of negotiating with myself. It's probably best to make a decision at some point: what will I be doing with my time and what not? But for now, l would like to accumulate my new "non gaming" mindset a bit longer without being hard on myself on how to use my time effectively. That way of thinking makes me want to escape life in the first place... so...

  • Today I will be working on my projects
  • Lets read at least one chapter in Respawn
  • I have to plan for my next traveling destination

Good luck to you all.

Edited by Tomas
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43 minutes ago, Tomas said:

But the point I want to make is this. Since I quit gaming I did not really needed the "go to" activities. Well, I am reading more. So that's nice. But at night when I am tired after working I just watch a movie and go to bed. The rest of my time seems filled with natural activities like working and taking strolls. For years I would like to be making and playing more music. I am just wondering if it will become a natural "go to" activity over time, when I am in the process of not gaming a bit longer. Or do I need to take more action on this point?

Hey Tomas! Right after I quitted gaming I replaced gaming with Netflix and movies. It wasn't thaaat bad, but I wish I didn't do it. Reflecting about it right now, before quitting, after work I would play a game for some hours and then go to sleep. I didn't feel tired for gaming, it was quite the opposite. In my non expert opinion in the subject, I think we feel tired exactly because we are lacking that flood of virtual stimulation that we once had, and an easy way to get some similar stimulation is by watching Netflix. But this sensation changes over time, and I'm confident that you will be able to fill this voids with some go to activities.

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Day 9

Thanks @WhatAboutToday? for your reply. I really appreciate it. Although at one hand I want to give myself some slack, at the other hand I want to reshape my life in the most positive way. And watching movies most of my nights is not a very inspiring way to continue. I should look at this moment in my life and see it as an opportunity to exchange my habits for activities that I consciously choose. To be honest, I think I am really frightened that I will not succeed, enjoy and thus continue doing the things I want to do. I used to love making music, it was a passion. Until it disappeared. I quit making music because I raised the bar to high. I expected too much of myself. So nowadays I am a bit hesitant to push myself because I am afraid I will kill the things I love. 

So there seems to be a complicated balance to be find. At one hand you just want to enjoy the stuff you do. At the other hand you need discipline to be able to enjoy, or actually do the things you want to. But within disciplinary behavior there is the likeliness to stop the things you enjoy because of setting goals to high? Maybe I am over thinking this subject. Probably it is best to stick with the plan. And give my new go to activities a chance, trying not to think too much about it... But if anyone has a thought on the matter I most appreciate it.

  • Today I will be working on my projects
  • Lets read at least one chapter in Respawn (yesterday I did not)
  • I really really have to plan for my next traveling destination
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Day 10

I dreamed again about Hearthstone. I was travelling and mentioning how I almost got to legend to another traveling woman. She told me that she met her boyfriend while traveling and playing Hearthstone. She said everybody was looking down on their lifestyle, but she enjoyed it. Then (still in my dream) I had huge cravings, and I started to plan secret gaming moments. When I woke up I thought it was a bit silly. But I think this is a good reminder of how strong cravings can actually get. 

Today I will be travelling. In the weekend I am going rock climbing. I'm looking forward to it and against it. I am not in shape as I used to be... Not gaming is going to be easy. Actually, all this time it has been pretty easy. I think the hardest part is to make something of my life in the process, and to not let myself down, or believe its all for nothing because I feel like crap all the time. I am really looking forward to the day that I wake up and feel like it, that I feel more confident about myself, and that I am not overthinking too much, and that I am able to laugh about others and about myself a lot. But maybe that is a little too much to ask. So lets just continue as where I am today and keep up the good work. 

Good luck to everybody. 

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Hello, 

I believe that feeling you're describing will come. We start at a deficit having to fill the void of gaming. Over time it fills and we feel better. Then we have a surplus of good feelings and feel great. That's my hope. I just saw it happen in @Icandothis journal. Go check out her recent post. Please excuse the expletives and appreciate the support. Like you're saying, it's one day at a time. Just getting through each day is enough to, over time, make a big positive change. Adding 5 lbs a week to a barbell adds up to 130 lbs increase in six months. It may not seem like you're becoming happy overnight, but it's coming slowly over time. Just like the strength gains. 

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Day 13

Almost 2 weeks without gaming. I probably had moments in my life before where I did not game for several weeks. The difference is that I would always come back to it in a dull moment. And now I decided not to. I am going to take control of how I am spending my time. Gaming is still on top of mind, and it intertwines with a lot of other thoughts on decisions I will make in my life.

Thanks @Erik2.0 for your reply. I checked out a bit of Icandothis her story. And yes that is inspiring. I too feel a positive change in me happening. Maybe, for the first time in my life I now know and realize that I need commitment, and patience. I need to be thinking long term. I feel like I am willing to do my best and do good every day, even when I feel like crap.

When I went climbing this weekend, I felt really frustrated. I used to be able to lead climb at least most of the easier routes. But when we entered the climbing area, I felt every climb was way over my head. There was not a single route I could complete, well just one... But I did not lead climb any of them. So there I stood with all my gear and equipment, nervous to go up, and failing to do so independently. It felt like I made a complete fool out of myself. Luckily there were some very friendly people who helped us out by lead climbing a few routes which we could then use on top rope (so they attached the rope for us). They were also very gently telling us that every  new start is hard, especially when you did not practice for a while.

Even though I felt like an complete loser that day, I told myself: at least you tried... keep it up, and do some good in every day. I then realized something equally important. Yes, I am going to feel better again. There will be a time when I wake up, I feel inspired and full of joy. But... Whenever that occurs, I tend to fall back in bad habits. I then enjoy life so much that I allow myself to party a bit more, to drink more, to sleep less, and to do whatever I want which includes gaming...

So this is a big difference that occurred in my thoughts as I stopped gaming. Instead of needing to take action right now, stop gaming, fix my life quickly. I am starting to see more clearly that I need commitment and patience over time. No matter how I feel.

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Day 14

Yesterday I went out to a few bars. Got pretty drunk. Today has been a day of watching movies. Sitting around doing not much. Escaping my life a little bit.

It feels like there is a mantra looping in my head that is saying: how do I make the best of my life? How do I get happy? Those thoughts are with me most of the time, for a looong time already. I constantly think like that and it rarely leaves me alone. Even when I'm busy its those thoughts are like a buzz on the background. I'll play with those thoughts and reinvent them in every possible way. I am  always making strategies on how to live my life, how to work, travel,  socialize work out, make music and how to have pleasure, fulfillment and excitement. I rarely feel like I am doing a good job on any of those subjects.

I do not want this journal to become on big complaint about my life. Although it might be good to write down the reality I am experiencing, I do want to believe in progress, I do want to change. So I will come back here from time to time, and promise myself to be patient. That I will commit on doing good. Become a more healthy person. I will read other peoples journeys and be inspired. Most of us are here not only to quit gaming,  but also to better ourselves and live a happier live. 

Today might not be a day to be proud of. But it is nice to rest a bit. And well... lets just try to be positive. Tomorrow there is another day.

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11 hours ago, Tomas said:

Day 14

Yesterday I went out to a few bars. Got pretty drunk. Today has been a day of watching movies. Sitting around doing not much. Escaping my life a little bit.

It feels like there is a mantra looping in my head that is saying: how do I make the best of my life? How do I get happy? Those thoughts are with me most of the time, for a looong time already. I constantly think like that and it rarely leaves me alone. Even when I'm busy its those thoughts are like a buzz on the background. I'll play with those thoughts and reinvent them in every possible way. I am  always making strategies on how to live my life, how to work, travel,  socialize work out, make music and how to have pleasure, fulfillment and excitement. I rarely feel like I am doing a good job on any of those subjects.

I do not want this journal to become on big complaint about my life. Although it might be good to write down the reality I am experiencing, I do want to believe in progress, I do want to change. So I will come back here from time to time, and promise myself to be patient. That I will commit on doing good. Become a more healthy person. I will read other peoples journeys and be inspired. Most of us are here not only to quit gaming,  but also to better ourselves and live a happier live. 

Today might not be a day to be proud of. But it is nice to rest a bit. And well... lets just try to be positive. Tomorrow there is another day.

Great job, really. What isntrument do you play?

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Day 15

Thanks @Xgamer I play guitar and piano. And I used to create tons of compositions in Ableton. Mostly instrumental but I also used a lot of synths and sometimes virtual orchestras. Feels like a lifetime ago.

I just wonder... is it even possible start thinking positively ever again? How much have I read, watched, talked and listened on this subject? And for how long are my thoughts intoxicated with negativity? Some people say you should never give in to negativity. Some say you should not tolerate anything, because what you tolerate you will worry about. Some say you should accept everything that is your reality, or accept that negative thoughts will always be there, just accept them, be friendly about them and then ignore them. Some say that every negative thought is an invitation to turn it around and make it in to something better. Some say you should turn every thought in to something tangible. So there are a lot of contradictions on how to approach negativity. 

Some say you need to take action, and your thoughts will follow, and not the other way around. I guess everybody has to find its own personal way. But right now, this strategy seems fitting for me. As I am able to overthink, read,  and overthink again like a pro. Its simply time to take action... no matter what I think or how I feel. It's easier said then done. Or is it?

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On 2/6/2020 at 3:26 AM, Tomas said:

Some say you need to take action, and your thoughts will follow, and not the other way around. I guess everybody has to find its own personal way. But right now, this strategy seems fitting for me. As I am able to overthink, read,  and overthink again like a pro. Its simply time to take action... no matter what I think or how I feel. It's easier said then done. Or is it?

Intellectualism is easy to fall prey to. It sounds kind of stupid, but there are people who have made reading self-help, psychology or dating advice into an actual hobby, instead of getting after the thing they started reading the book for in the first place. The trouble is there is so much novel content they can actually keep that behavior up.

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Day 18

@Ikar that’s true. Thanks for your input. I think that is a really clever way of putting it. 
For a part that counts for me too. I am tending to seek never ending wisdom in a lot of books and articles. At the other hand, as a human being you’re never finished developing. So to read and talk about the inner self from time to time is a good practice to keep yourself sane and to be in touch with others. As long as you don’t overdo it and making it a way of removing yourself from your goals like you are saying.

In general thinks look pretty bright. The weekends here are really nice. Not craving any games... I did lots of talking, jamming, hiking and chilling. I am going to keep it up and give myself permission to believe in a better and more balanced way of thinking. I am grateful that I feel good.

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Day 20

I am starting to feel a bit better about myself. And I am starting to see and think more clearly. I wonder how much it actually has to do with changing my gaming habits. For now, I am not sure where I stand exactly. I felt pretty lost. Now that I feel better I try not to expect to spiral upwards from here on out. I try to be realistic and I am still convincing myself of setting myself up for success in a long term strategy that's build on patience and commitment. 

In my mind, my life has been a summary of everything that went wrong. It is a list of failures. All the time that I wasted, the opportunities not taken, the  friendships broken,  the experienced missed and the music not played. As a result, I keep on telling myself that it is not too late. I can do it. Until I fail again. 

Now that I am 36 years old. I have to see myself and what I have become for what it is. I have to face the truth. Yes, I have regrets... I could have done so much more. I kept myself very small. But like I am saying goodbye to games, its also time to say goodbye to my old self. Its time to say goodbye to the one that I wanted to be, and embrace who I am now. With that its even a good thing to give up on my dreams, for I tend to dwell in the past. Surely, I may, dream... I am a dreamer (so good luck stopping that). But how about this: lets just start doing things today, live by the day, don't raise the bar too high and try to keep a calm mind. Have patience. Do something good every day. And stop using your dreams as a way of measuring yourself to a version that you are yet to become. 

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Day 22

It is time to set some goals to change my habits. Time is easily consumed by random events. I am at one hand afraid that if I start planning towards goals, I will lose my sense of adventure. I like it when I feel free and experience whatever comes my way. But I believe those things can exist together nonetheless: setting goals, and having random adventures. 

I would like to be able to express myself more. I want to create things and collaborate. I want to engage in creative projects. And I want to have a relaxing lifestyle where I can combine creativity with socializing and friendly sessions. Like, playing in a band, but also jamming from time to time in the park. And learning to draw better, and  working and collaborating with others at co-working spaces. 

Also, I would like to be able to take society a bit less seriously and feel less pressured to "be the best" or to "raise the bar". This attitude works for a lot of people, but I think I need to take myself and my life a bit less seriously. I'd like to find a way to be less anxious, and have more fun doing what I am doing. For that, I should allow myself to fail. Still, I don't exactly know what that means. I'm on a long journey to find a rhythm that suits me. At one hand I want to excel and do something useful and do something I can truly believe in. At the other hand I just want to relax, have fun, not having too much complications or responsibilities. Is there a way to rhyme both worlds?

Weekly Goals

  • Sports: 3 - 4 x a week (running and climbing)
  • Music: start playing around with composition software
  • Business: take steps to be more socially active

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Day 26

I've noticed I am playing more guitar. It is nice, it does not feel like something I have to put much effort or discipline in to. I just pick up the guitar when I feel like it. I also start watching lessons on Youtube on how to play Jazz scales, and I really feel like learning some new skills. When I am back from traveling I will be searching for people to play music together.

It would be awesome to feel like I do not need any discipline for anything. The word discipline has a heavy load attached to it. It feels like I have to do so much things to improve my life but I am simply to lazy to do it. But now that I am playing more guitar on autopilot, I can imagine that I can change my habits without struggling forever. Maybe discipline is especially needed in the process of forming your new self, until it becomes a habit. I even remember that I used to hate doing the dishes. Until it became a habit. 

I am also thinking about the fact that I have to grand myself the time I need to shape my life how I want it. Usually I am in a constant hurry. It feels like everything I am doing I should do as quick and effectively as possible. Especially on my age, it feels like I should be in a hurry, because every minute counts, and I have still have so much to do, experience, and learn before it is too late. This attitude does not help me at all. Being in a constant rush makes me feel like nothing is ever enough. And that is a feeling I need to escape from time to time, doing so by gaming. 

So I will just decide, that I have time. Time is on my side. It is also the most precious thing I have. I am going to take it slowly, and really think about how I want my life to be. I am not going to rush in to a new career, or fill my agenda completely with external goals. I am not going to say yes to everyone or every opportunity. Where do I want to be in 1, 2 or 5 years? What will my days look like. I hope they are filled with music and creativity. I do not care if I end up poor. 

Weekly goals

  • Sports 3 x a week (climbing and running)
  • Mixing: Create something new or play around
  • Learn some Jazz basics

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Day 28

Huge cravings yesterday. Instead I watched a few of Cams videos. I also watched a motivational speech from Arnold Schwarzenegger. And one from Tony Robins. They are really big on the fact you need an ultimate goal in your life and "work your ass of". Most of the time,  it is a bit hard to take those guys seriously. They lived life over the top. But when watching such videos, I sometimes get excited about their message. I then fantasize about striving forward to an ultimate goal, bearing all the hardships and then overcome and excel. But I guess that's not me... Like I mentioned earlier, with this power mentality I easily set a trap for myself. It might be better to  live life by the day, surely set goals, but not to get attached to my dreams...

Or is this wrong? Am I holding myself back? Should I listen to Arnold Schwarzenegger 🙂 and work my ass of? Is that the only way to live a fulfilled life? The only way to feel accomplishment, and feel complete, to do everything in my power to fulfill my dreams?

Thoughts on this are much appreciated.

Edited by Tomas

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Day 30

Cool. Just 60 days left. Is it me or is this forum not very lively? I wonder if someone is still reading my posts. It felt like a big help to have people mirroring my thoughts sometimes. But maybe it does not really matter. Because about gaming, I feel like I am winning this thing.

My cravings are actually getting worse, for I have so much time on my hands. And boy, would I love to spend 72 hours non stop of crafting in Factorio. How about a replay on an adventure like Zelda or GTA. I also urge to get back to Hearthstone. For all the cash I spend on that game (it is ridiculous), the card knowledge I got, the fact I ALMOST got to Legend... Oh man... how much I wanted to get to legend, and after that quit the game... That game... is poison. Hearthstone is like a pack of cigarettes. I can't just play one game and the quit. I have to smoke the whole pack, and then buy some more. Can't I just play a few games each day? No, I can't... And I am not going to. Goodbye Hearthstone, you peace of beautiful sh*t. 

Yes, I want to play games. I feel sad. But in my mind, it has become very simple. I am not going to play games. I rather feel bored, angry, weird, stupid or whatever... it is done.

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