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Hello, My clean date is 11/25/19. This is My Story.  It’s 11/14/19 and I decided to recommit to quit today after just thirty minutes of gaming. I was having a hard time dealing with the fact

Positive: I'm 1 year free of video games. Yes that's right. I have not played games for a year now. It's pretty amazing. I don't have much time so maybe tomorrow I'll put up a post where I tag ev

Day 270 NP 232 Np 223 Med 208 NF 108 Positive:  Yeah. You can see me celebrating 9 months clean there. In other news. Even though I'm down to 3mg risperdal I'm still sleeping 13+ hours a da

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Day 34

No pm Day 2

I’m grateful for my mom.

Ive been feeling all messed up and depressed and anxious since I stopped going to therapy. My health insurance ran out, but I’ll be back in business in January . Till then I’m trying to read the Bible more again. I kind of stopped reading after I finished it through and got a headache from reading so much bible. I think it’s fine now and I hope to see my mind get more clear and stable from reading it moderately again. 
God bless you,

Erik

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Day 35 NF Day 3

Yes! NOfap is going well! I started taking extra time after I pray to just sit there in the Gods presence. I think it’s helping me a lot with nofap. My new client is also adhd with autism and a gamer. Hopefully he learns to not offer me games. Today he asked me to play LEGO marvel with him. I stared at the controller thinking......for many people it’s fine . But when I play video games I go crazy. 
 

I felt able to not play and like I’m doing the right thing. Happy to be on here posting ?

God bless you

Erik

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Day 36 NF 5

hoo just living the life. I got completely off dating apps just now . I’ve been feeling better since I disabled my accounts. For some reason they caused me stress and hurt my self esteem. So as long as I can see a doctor about my sleep disturbance and figure that out I’ll be looking pretty good. 
 

I have too much anxiety or whatever to do a lot of things. This means I spend a lot of time just reading or watching tv. I sing a little but I feel like I’m just too wiped out for it most of the time . I am able to go lift at the gym 3-4 times a week so that’s good . ?

God bless

Erik

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Day 37 NF 6

Im starting to get a little more used to not gaming and working with clients who have autism, adhd and play games. One of my clients is so nice to work with. I have minor anxiety that something will go wrong and mess it up because I’m so happy to work with him. God willing it’ll continue to go well enough ? . 
 

My new client looks like he will be a bit of a handful. He’s kind of aggressive and his previous counselor is leaving him with me for “undisclosed reasons”. I hope he didn’t attack her or something. Anyways I think I’m relatively safe. I’ve a dogged determination to see this job through so short of severe reasons I’ll keep going to work. 
 

I’m trying to find tv shows that I can watch that don’t trigger me. So far only the CWs flash, supergirl and dcs legends have made my list of shows. I experience these as more “light good” shows so they don’t bother me much. I hope I find some other shows I can watch. 
 

Im teetering on the edge of reading the classic spiritual texts of Buddhism and Christianity. I feel like I’m kind of cheating on Jesus to read Buddhist scripture but there really isn’t much else for me to read and I already read the Bible. I kind of want to read something else too.

 

God bless ❤️

Erik

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1 hour ago, Erik2.0 said:

Day 37 NF 6

Im starting to get a little more used to not gaming and working with clients who have autism, adhd and play games. One of my clients is so nice to work with. I have minor anxiety that something will go wrong and mess it up because I’m so happy to work with him. God willing it’ll continue to go well enough ? . 
 

My new client looks like he will be a bit of a handful. He’s kind of aggressive and his previous counselor is leaving him with me for “undisclosed reasons”. I hope he didn’t attack her or something. Anyways I think I’m relatively safe. I’ve a dogged determination to see this job through so short of severe reasons I’ll keep going to work. 
 

I’m trying to find tv shows that I can watch that don’t trigger me. So far only the CWs flash, supergirl and dcs legends have made my list of shows. I experience these as more “light good” shows so they don’t bother me much. I hope I find some other shows I can watch. 

I think your commitment to helping others will overrule your addiction to gaming and you'll find your way. If the new client is bad then I think you'll know how to deal with it properly. Are these shows triggering for porn or triggering for gaming that you're worried about?

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Hi!

Welcome to the community. I hope you find a safe supportive and loving environment here.

I don’t have many words tonight.... but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. That is so brave of you. 
 

For the “who am I” question, I find Psalm 139 to be very comforting. “ For  YOU created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

Please read the whole Psalm for it is so beautiful. 
 

Thank you for being here.

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Posted (edited)

@BooksandTrees I hope the client will be okay and we’ll get along. I get something that’s like anxiety from shows especially cartoons. I just feel stressed and can’t sleep well after watching them. Thanks for believing things will work out.

@Icandothis Thank you so much! I’ll check out the psalms 139. I read the proverbs regularly. Thanks for your hopes for me. I think I’m starting to get used to the forums. 

God bless and thank you both so much for replying 

Erik

 

Edited by Erik2.0
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Day 39 NF 8

I didn’t journal on here yesterday and didn’t feel good about it. I felt weaker on my nofap commitment. It was sort of a test and I feel like journaling on here is good for me at least for now. 
 

I get weird limiting “anxiety” for a laundry list of things. I got anxious about writing my story on here and deleted it after like 2000 words too. I added it to my list of things I can’t do ‘Write a memoir’ which is probably twenty things long now. I’m okay with the limitations I have in life, strange as they are. But, I think at some point I’ll have to grow and do some more things. I wonder if getting on more medication can help me. I don’t think anything can. 
 

It’s tough to figure out things I can do with clients when they want me to play board games and watch anime, but I can’t because my anxiety/allergy/disorder. 
 

On the upside I’m working more hours now and I think I found my new favorite show: DCs Legends. It’s so awesome ? ❤️? I really enjoy it a lot. Especially because I’m only able to watch Legends, the flash and supergirl so far. I’m hopeful that I’ll find other shows in the future I’m able to watch. 

I don’t want to spoil anything, but the show made me feel like it’s okay that I’m going through a long time without many people in my life. I’ll just keep believing that everything will be okay. Always. I’m grateful I have a show I can watch and some things to do with my time at home . That my mom is here to keep me company and help take care of me. That I have a good job, bosses and home. I’m grateful for gamequitters ? 

God Bless 

Erik

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Day 40 NF 9

So I kind of been struggling with my sister a lot lately. She plays music till two am sometimes. It’s not too loud but I’m a light sleeper and it keeps me up. My mom and I asked her many times to turn it off but she refuses. Saying things like, “I’ll do what I want I don’t care whatever. I’m not changing.” etc. I got frustrated and yelled at her to shut up. She used the opportunity to threaten to call the police if I didn’t leave her alone. 
 

Im pretty sure I’ve got a lot more sleepless nights ahead of me and I don’t see any way to get her to stop. Now I feel helpless because no amount of asking or yelling has changed her mind. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for two days since arguing with her they’ve gotten a lot worse. I told someone on my health insurance this and now I’m going to urgent care to see a therapist.

I hope they don’t inject me with something and force me to stay in a psych ward. I got forced into a psych ward once before when I told a person that I felt so bad I could die. Yeah. I hope they don’t put me in a ward again. I hope they just have me talk to someone and go home. I want to go to work tomorrow. 
God bless

Erik

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Hi Erik,

Sorry to hear about all of that. I'll be praying for you tonight. I'm glad you are getting help. There are moments I'm sure where everyone has those thoughts, myself included, and while on the inside they seem rational, from the outside they're always irrational. There's always something else to look forward to. 

As an aside, I remember listening to a podcast (Jocko Podcast -- episode 76 with Charlie Plumb, just checked ? ) that changed my thinking immensely. Charlie Plumb was a Vietnam War POW who was imprisoned for 6 years and suffered all kinds of torture and terrible living conditions. He went on to say that there was no sense in getting caught up in the small things like someone else's snoring, or their smell, or whatever irritating thing they did, because if he were to focus on these things, it would've driven him crazy. As much as you can manage it, try to bring your attention to other things.

As a practical matter though, sleep is critical for your mental health, of course. Try investing in some good earplugs if the noise keeps bothering you, if you haven't done so already. 

Please write back soon.

 

 

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@DaBest hey, thanks for your prayers. I will try to keep my attention on good things as much as possible. Like my next workout and books to read. I got a tip that I was putting my plugs in too deep so I’ll give them another shot. I’m doing okay my dad and mom have been really supportive. Their support helps me a lot. I’ll see about that podcast if I can find it

 

Day 41 NF 10

I got out of the urgent care. They didn’t make me stay over night. I now know I can make urgent care calls to a therapist if I’m struggling badly. A nice nurse sat with me while I was at the facility . She was really pretty. This made it difficult to continue with the nofapping but I managed. Thank God. And thanks to this site and the people here too. Thank you all. 
 

When I talked to the therapist on duty I realized that one of my main coping mechanisms is to read spiritual books. Things on yoga, mindfulness, Christian faith even Islam. I sort of shunned this interest of mine and kept trying to only read christian books. But maybe I’m like that relative of mine that wrote a book comparing all the religions. I just like learning about them. It makes me feel better. 
 

It’s been hard to find a church. I haven’t felt comfortable anywhere. I was thinking I might read the Quran and give a maschid a shot. I don’t represent a standard member of any religions though as I am. I pray to God, I have a Buddha statue in my room and a cross around my neck. I practice yoga and say namaste to people. It’s one of my New Years resolutions to read books from four different faiths. I don’t much have a word for it and it’s a journey to find a spiritual place where I fit in. I also am weirdly picky and anxious about places and people so that doesn’t help. Ah sorry I’m rambling. 
 

Hopefully I find some kind of religious place to go. Unitarian church didn’t seem too inviting to me and neither did the Buddhist temple even though I just checked out their websites and did a drive by at one. I guess that leaves Islam ?‍♂️ haha. Or maybe I’ll just stay home and read my books. And I’ll find somewhere that I can socialize like..hiking? I’ll see about trying a hiking meetup in my area. They said it’s good to get sunlight to avoid developing SAD. ? ❤️
 

God bless

Erik

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19 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:
      

@DaBest hey, thanks for your prayers. I will try to keep my attention on good things as much as possible. Like my next workout and books to read. I got a tip that I was putting my plugs in too deep so I’ll give them another shot. I’m doing okay my dad and mom have been really supportive. Their support helps me a lot. I’ll see about that podcast if I can find it

 

Day 41 NF 10

I got out of the urgent care. They didn’t make me stay over night. I now know I can make urgent care calls to a therapist if I’m struggling badly. A nice nurse sat with me while I was at the facility . She was really pretty. This made it difficult to continue with the nofapping but I managed. Thank God. And thanks to this site and the people here too. Thank you all. 
 

When I talked to the therapist on duty I realized that one of my main coping mechanisms is to read spiritual books. Things on yoga, mindfulness, Christian faith even Islam. I sort of shunned this interest of mine and kept trying to only read christian books. But maybe I’m like that relative of mine that wrote a book comparing all the religions. I just like learning about them. It makes me feel better. 
 

It’s been hard to find a church. I haven’t felt comfortable anywhere. I was thinking I might read the Quran and give a maschid a shot. I don’t represent a standard member of any religions though as I am. I pray to God, I have a Buddha statue in my room and a cross around my neck. I practice yoga and say namaste to people. It’s one of my New Years resolutions to read books from four different faiths. I don’t much have a word for it and it’s a journey to find a spiritual place where I fit in. I also am weirdly picky and anxious about places and people so that doesn’t help. Ah sorry I’m rambling. 
 

Hopefully I find some kind of religious place to go. Unitarian church didn’t seem too inviting to me and neither did the Buddhist temple even though I just checked out their websites and did a drive by at one. I guess that leaves Islam ?‍♂️ haha. Or maybe I’ll just stay home and read my books. And I’ll find somewhere that I can socialize like..hiking? I’ll see about trying a hiking meetup in my area. They said it’s good to get sunlight to avoid developing SAD. ? ❤️
 

God bless

Erik

Hope you're feeling better. I dealt with suicidal thoughts last June pretty badly and I'm not sure how I got through. I just escaped my terrible living situation, spoke to 2 therapists, reconnected with my dad, and went on a friend retreat for a weekend and felt like one of the guys. It helps to change your environment and integrate with others to change your perspective on life. I went from not sleeping and only being hateful to happy, sleeping, playful, and connected with men. Men who made me feel like a man. It made me proud again. I realized how far I've come and got my life back. I wasn't suicidal after that and didn't get depressed for another 5 months until I had to move. 

Don't be afraid to ramble here. Don't be afraid to deep dive into your passion of spirituality and religion. People were meant to love each other and religion was meant to coexist. Do what you want and find happiness in it. I believe in you. 

Hope you're feeling better and continue to improve. Great job on nofap 10 days! I only made it 4 this weekend before relapse today. But 4 days is better than 0. 10 days is amazing.

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Hi,

 

I’m so sorry for all you have been going through. Please do not be afraid to share thoughts of suicide on here or with your family. Many people think of suicide when they are going thru a rough time.... the bravest thing you can do is ask for help. 

 

In addition to the therapist, is there also a suicide hotline you can call? There is one here in the states, and they route you to a trained professional who can listen. 
 

We are here for you... and you are loved. 

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@BooksandTrees thanks for your story . Hopefully my living situation improves. I don’t really know what to do about my nightly hot flashes. The dr said try running a fan . Your story sounds nice I’m glad you got better. I think I will join groups with men in them this year.
 

@Icandothis thank you for your love and support. I’ll keep the Suicide hotline in mind if I need to call someone. ?

@DaBest Thank you for encouraging me to get help. Im glad I saw someone too. I’m feeling better now and I want to better my New Years resolutions. Nofap is difficult but I think it’s good. 10 days is good for me. We can do it.

Day 42 NF 11

journaling on these forums is really an adventure. I didn’t know it could be so nice. I started running a couple days ago. I’m feeling like that’s helping me a lot with my anxiety . I’ll try to keep running. I played some basketball today which is good for me as I’ve been afraid to play sports. Just enjoying some tv and food now. I have some work That I’ll submit later.

God bless

Erik

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It makes sense that exercise helps you with your anxiety. Most forms of exercise release serotonin which is a natural anti-depressant and anxiety regulator. If you can keep up the exercise it will do you a world of good. Finding a meetup group to go hiking with is an excellent idea. Exercising as part of a community can only help even more I think. ?

  

On 12/29/2019 at 6:13 PM, Erik2.0 said:

Day 36 NF 5

hoo just living the life. I got completely off dating apps just now . I’ve been feeling better since I disabled my accounts. For some reason they caused me stress and hurt my self esteem. So as long as I can see a doctor about my sleep disturbance and figure that out I’ll be looking pretty good. 
 

I have too much anxiety or whatever to do a lot of things. This means I spend a lot of time just reading or watching tv. I sing a little but I feel like I’m just too wiped out for it most of the time . I am able to go lift at the gym 3-4 times a week so that’s good . ?

God bless

Erik

I recently made the decision to stop trying so hard with dating as well. I think you hit the nail on the head earlier. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness. Become the best version of yourself through nurturing your hobbies and passions, accumulate awesome experiences and in general just live an amazing life. You'll become so much more comfortable being alone and single. Dating will become something optional. You will become much more selective with the people you allow the privilege of sharing your life with. You will not tolerate a mediocre relationship. All of these things are positive traits and will make you far more attractive than all those guys that use those psychological tricks to get women. You won't need any of those tricks because you are an amazing person that is worthy of being loved by another amazing person.

Keep up the fight bro, you can do it!

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14 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

It makes sense that exercise helps you with your anxiety. Most forms of exercise release serotonin which is a natural anti-depressant and anxiety regulator. If you can keep up the exercise it will do you a world of good. Finding a meetup group to go hiking with is an excellent idea. Exercising as part of a community can only help even more I think. ?

  

I recently made the decision to stop trying so hard with dating as well. I think you hit the nail on the head earlier. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness. Become the best version of yourself through nurturing your hobbies and passions, accumulate awesome experiences and in general just live an amazing life. You'll become so much more comfortable being alone and single. Dating will become something optional. You will become much more selective with the people you allow the privilege of sharing your life with. You will not tolerate a mediocre relationship. All of these things are positive traits and will make you far more attractive than all those guys that use those psychological tricks to get women. You won't need any of those tricks because you are an amazing person that is worthy of being loved by another amazing person.

Keep up the fight bro, you can do it!

I think Ikar and I have also posted similar thoughts on this. I read online dating profiles and keep seeing these bland women (i don't see men so I can't judge their profiles) that just say "family and friends are important to me. I want to have a good time. I like going out, but also like nights in. Hoping to find someone with things in common with". Those are so damn vague that you'll never find a partner who shares values with you. I think working on hobbies and interests puts you in an environment where you'll meet someone who shares the same values. 

Church might share your religious values, hiking might share your physical activity values, book clubs or sports groups help those values, etc. I'm sticking with rock climbing, engineering, and digital art to find a woman. Those interests could also change, but at least I'm having fun doing them. 

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36 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

It makes sense that exercise helps you with your anxiety. Most forms of exercise release serotonin which is a natural anti-depressant and anxiety regulator. If you can keep up the exercise it will do you a world of good. Finding a meetup group to go hiking with is an excellent idea. Exercising as part of a community can only help even more I think. ?

  

I recently made the decision to stop trying so hard with dating as well. I think you hit the nail on the head earlier. Ultimately we are all responsible for our own happiness. Become the best version of yourself through nurturing your hobbies and passions, accumulate awesome experiences and in general just live an amazing life. You'll become so much more comfortable being alone and single. Dating will become something optional. You will become much more selective with the people you allow the privilege of sharing your life with. You will not tolerate a mediocre relationship. All of these things are positive traits and will make you far more attractive than all those guys that use those psychological tricks to get women. You won't need any of those tricks because you are an amazing person that is worthy of being loved by another amazing person.

Keep up the fight bro, you can do it!

Yeah, I suppose I kind of am moving towards living a happier life single. I wasn't doing well on the apps and I'm feeling better since I got off them. I'll see what the future holds for dating, but right now I'm just trying to feel okay. After being so depressed recently I think it's best to just find my happy place.

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Day 43 NF 12

"Big Belly Erik."

I ate a lot of food after the gym. Haha. I'm pretty full. If I had higher body fat % this would probably be more concerning. I'm on the thin side. I've been lifting weights for like four months trying to put on muscle mass. I've gone from 165 to 180 lbs at 6"1. I still can't do anywhere near my bodyweight on bench or squat and I'm one of the thinner guys in the gym. Progress takes time. Honestly though! The guys in the weight room are huge! They've probably all been lifting for years. Compared to an average person I'm in above average shape just from being thin. Consider that 75% of America is overweight.

Anyways I really like the CW superhero shows The Flash, Supergirl and DC's Legends. Hence the title which references a place they like to go out to eat in their superhero universe. I was thinking about checking out a meetup group for writing fantasy. It's something I've wanted to do and tried, but never was able to stick with consistently (not even close). Now I'm more stable on medication and I've made a New Years resolution to join at least one social group. I think once I'm on more medication I'll be more stable and better able to consistently write and join groups. I've never watched tv regularly in my life because I was always playing games instead. This past year has been the first time I ever watched TV since I saw Saturday morning cartoons as a kid. It's been awesome. I watch so much tv though these days I get like a woozy head feeling from it. *(@[email protected])* 

Uhm. If I actually get into this writing thing that's really going to cut into my TV time! Ah! Maybe I could just write a script for a TV show instead then I wouldn't have to read and could keep watching tv instead lol. When I was around thirteen I read like 90% of LOTR and thought it was cool. Then later I read some of Brandon Sanderson and Patrick Rothfuss' books. I would listen to Sanderson on audiobook for like six hours straight that was kind of intense....But epic! I think 1-2 hours a day of reading fiction would be my max these days. I used to really love reading fantasy though. It's part of what led me to gaming as gaming is set in a similar time and place. But once I started gaming, reading fiction disappeared from my life. Now I'm rediscovering what life is like for non-gaming Erik aka Erik2.0 haha. I was at Goodwill the other day and saw The Hobbit for $1.50. So I picked it up. It was my favorite book for decades of my life until I read the Bible. The Hobbit is still one of my favorites, but I think the Bible is the best book. It made me a better person to read. The Hobbit always felt like a nice world where I could be at peace and safe. Away from the troubles of my family life. My parents were basically incompatible and just 'staying together for the kids' for much of my life. They didn't talk much and my sister was always fighting with my mom. I spent a lot of time in my room reading and outside playing sports to find a happy place away from it all. Sadly those interests turned into abusing substances and gaming. Two things I'm glad to be rid of today. It's been 1 year and four months of sobriety for me this January ? 

Since 2020 has kicked off I've made it a MISSION to overcome my anxiety. It's limited me so much! Now I'm watching anime and reading fiction again. It's a bit uncomfortable at times. But, it feels good too. I was reading Oathbringer by Brandon Sanderson last night and they said, "You've got to pick something and go for it and keep going no matter what. Don't let anything stop you or stand in you way. Go until you've done it! That's all anyone can do." It was great. I read a lot of his books on audiobook when I didn't know what to do with my time in rehab. I wasn't living a balanced life back then. But, I would venture to say it was better reading all the time than playing games which was what I eventually did. 

Now I'd like to have reading and writing be a part of my life. To spend time socializing, working, exercising, cooking, meditating and reading non-fiction as well. I think this will be a good balance for me. I'm kind of scared that I'll get sucked into writing. I really don't want it to overwhelm my life. The gym's really important to me! I'm very careful about not letting anything take over too much of my time. I'm keeping the gym to four days a week actually. Five days might be too tiring and also too consuming for now. We shall see where God leads me. For he knows the plans he has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

Updates on the whole writing fantasy thing, gym, social groups etc to come. 

God bless ❤️ 

Erik

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29 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

Yeah, I suppose I kind of am moving towards living a happier life single. I wasn't doing well on the apps and I'm feeling better since I got off them. I'll see what the future holds for dating, but right now I'm just trying to feel okay. After being so depressed recently I think it's best to just find my happy place.

Totally makes sense man. It's NEVER a bad idea to do some work on yourself.

51 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

I think Ikar and I have also posted similar thoughts on this. I read online dating profiles and keep seeing these bland women (i don't see men so I can't judge their profiles) that just say "family and friends are important to me. I want to have a good time. I like going out, but also like nights in. Hoping to find someone with things in common with". Those are so damn vague that you'll never find a partner who shares values with you. I think working on hobbies and interests puts you in an environment where you'll meet someone who shares the same values. 

Church might share your religious values, hiking might share your physical activity values, book clubs or sports groups help those values, etc. I'm sticking with rock climbing, engineering, and digital art to find a woman. Those interests could also change, but at least I'm having fun doing them. 

Definitely agree with just engaging in a community based around interests of yours. Just don't fall into the trap of doing it specifically to find a woman. They will smell that from a mile away.

Agree about most online dating profiles. The problem is that there are so few women on there compared to men (allegedly, anyways) that they can get away with putting next to no effort in their profiles. In fact, society has seemed to drill this idea into men's heads that we have to put forth all the effort to woo the girl. What about us? Personally I think I'm a pretty cool guy and deserve some effort from the other side.

But yeah... people have come up with all sorts of tricks and techniques and psychological hacks, etc. Don't get me wrong, I believe that they work. Until the woman finds out that it was just a facade you put on to lure her in and she realizes the person you really are isn't who you initially showed to her. I just have a hard time believing that every single guy can incorporate all these ideas and remain authentic.

I dunno... I also believe I'm about as atypical as a guy gets and really don't believe in using psychological manipulation to sway people to me. It feels disgusting.

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@seriousjay I’ve spent some time looking at pickup artist advice too. I don’t really do that kind of thing just because approaching women was too uncomfortable for me. I don’t really have a conclusive opinion on it all. I just haven’t been approaching girls lately and am trying hobby groups. I think if a girl likes me she’ll kind of let it be known. Trying to force the issue doesn’t seem like a good idea for me for now. 
 

sounds like you’re wanting to just be yourself and not worry about pickup advice. I think your working on yourself thing is working for you.

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3 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

@seriousjay I’ve spent some time looking at pickup artist advice too. I don’t really do that kind of thing just because approaching women was too uncomfortable for me. I don’t really have a conclusive opinion on it all. I just haven’t been approaching girls lately and am trying hobby groups. I think if a girl likes me she’ll kind of let it be known. Trying to force the issue doesn’t seem like a good idea for me for now. 
 

sounds like you’re wanting to just be yourself and not worry about pickup advice. I think your working on yourself thing is working for you.

I'll be honest I'm not a big fan of the whole pickup artist thing. It falls into that category of cheap tricks to use to attract a woman. If you're an awesome person, are confident, etc., then that really should be enough.

Unless your goal is to have sex with as many women as possible with no strings attached. Then by all means use all the tricks you can think of.

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Day 44 NF 13 Sober 1yr 4months

”A Fork in the Road.”

So my clients I have now both want me to game with them. One of them pretty much begged me to play with him today. 😭. I feel like I don’t know what to do. If I play games with him then I lose this forum. And this forum has helped me become more serious about keeping on with my hobbies and pushing myself to join social groups. I felt happy quitting gaming until now . . . 
If I game with my clients they’ll be happier and work will go better. But who knows what’ll happen to my personal life. I could easily become addicted to gaming for hours a day again. Even if I moderate I don’t know if I’ll be happy. This site has been the only thing that ever allowed me to quit gaming and do nofap. 😞  

If I stick with GQ though my clients will always have some discontentment with me because I don’t game with them..... it sucks. Either there’s a rock in my shoe at work or there’s a monkey on my back at home. I guess I’ll go with the rock in my shoe. 
 

The pressure from my client to game is really causing me significant distress. I need to be medicated. My anti anxiety pills are supposed to arrive in a few days. Trying to keep it together while I’m recovering from a suicidal episode is heavy. 
 

p.s. I tried to talk to my mom about work stress. She shamed me for being on gamequitters and finding support here. She said, “That’s weird you rely on a forum for support. I only rely on myself.” Sometimes I really can’t talk to her about things that don’t fit with her view of the world. I think being in an online community is just too new age of an idea for her. Oh well. What can I do. This is why I have no relationship with her. She’s always putting me down and doubting me. 

God bless 

Erik

Edited by Erik2.0
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