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Icandothis

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On 10/28/2019 at 12:30 AM, Ikar said:

I agree with @BooksandTrees. I'd suggest having a talk with your partner about his behavior of just leaving when things get tough around kids. He's compromising both the relationship with you, as well as setting a bad example for the kids, by running away from problems. I can't think of anything else that could possibly be above in importance than these two things.

Stay strong and good luck!

Thank you for your comment. Yeah I know this behavior is unhealthy..... but I can only control myself, my thoughts, emotions and actions. 
 

I am working to empower myself, so I make my own decisions in the future. 
 

Thank you so much for listening. I really appreciate it! I hope you have a beautiful day. 

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8 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Thank you so much for your comment my friend. You are so right, gaming only masks the pain. The more I continue on this journey, the more space I have between my cravings and then my subsequent action. Every time I get the urge, I realize I have a choice. And then in that moment I breathe. 
 

Thank you for seeing me and hearing me. It truly means a lot. I hope you have a beautiful day. 

This clairvoyance is a great thing to see. You know you're strong enough now. That is so important. Keep it up! Glad you're doing better and thank you as well.

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Day 47  Just doing well. Some things I have been up too

- Spooky Dance Party

- Harvest festival 

- Trick or treating with friends 

- Soccer games 

- House party

- Yoga

Discovering that I definitely do much better when I am out in the community. 
 

From a quote I read the other day, “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.”

Very grateful to this forum for providing the connection my soul needs. Thank you for listening. 🌸🌸🌸
 

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Day 48 About to head into a 5 day weekend with the kids being off from school. 
 

Everything just is.  There are no grandiose achievements or prizes.  No time limited missions.  My life is very quite simple now. Simple and quiet. 
 

Walking into this new season, the sun is setting much earlier and it is very dark outside.  Holding onto this quote, “ if you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”  
 

Doing my best to embrace the beauty of every season, just as it is. 
 

Thank you for listening my friends. Have a beautiful day. 

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5 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Day 48 About to head into a 5 day weekend with the kids being off from school. 
 

Everything just is.  There are no grandiose achievements or prizes.  No time limited missions.  My life is very quite simple now. Simple and quiet. 
 

Walking into this new season, the sun is setting much earlier and it is very dark outside.  Holding onto this quote, “ if you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”  
 

Doing my best to embrace the beauty of every season, just as it is. 
 

Thank you for listening my friends. Have a beautiful day. 

5 day weekend sounds great! Any fun activities planned with the kids? Are things getting a little better with the other half? Keep up the good work. You're doing great.

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18 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

5 day weekend sounds great! Any fun activities planned with the kids? Are things getting a little better with the other half? Keep up the good work. You're doing great.

Thank you for the encouragement my friend!

My two older ones are headed up to great wolf lodge. I have never been; it’s some sort of water park resort for families... so they should have fun. I am hanging back with the younger one so that will be nice!

Yeah my partner and I are ok. I am not happy with the way he treats me. But at this point, I have no financial power so I really have no voice. 
 

Your comments mean so much to me! Thank you my friend. I hope you have a great day.

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Day 49 The start of our weekend has been a bit rough. I went to the school this morning for parent teacher conferences.  It was really nice to see what the girls have accomplished so far. The teachers were very kind and compassionate. 
 

My girls are on a road trip and my little one is asleep. There was a bit of an argument this morning... so this calm space is very nice. 
 

I am going to practice yin yoga and not really sure what else for the afternoon. Maybe head to the park... and then think about dinner. 
 

What was beautiful about my day sunshine. Connection with the school. My beautiful kids. 
 

Thank you for listening 

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5 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Thank you for the encouragement my friend!

My two older ones are headed up to great wolf lodge. I have never been; it’s some sort of water park resort for families... so they should have fun. I am hanging back with the younger one so that will be nice!

Yeah my partner and I are ok. I am not happy with the way he treats me. But at this point, I have no financial power so I really have no voice. 
 

Your comments mean so much to me! Thank you my friend. I hope you have a great day.

You always have a voice. Sometimes voices are heard through song, others are heard through poetry, and others are shown in various other mediums. My analogy there is no matter the situation you always have options for your voice to be delivered and received. I know you will find the right way to say how you feel at the right time. Maybe this journey of self improvement and journaling will help you. You always have a voice here at least. If you ever need to talk I will listen as will others.

I hope you have a great time with your younger child. This will be a great time to connect 1 on 1. Maybe the weather will be nice and you can find some fun stuff to do. May I ask your profession? If not, no worries. 

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On 11/7/2019 at 7:40 PM, BooksandTrees said:

You always have a voice. Sometimes voices are heard through song, others are heard through poetry, and others are shown in various other mediums. My analogy there is no matter the situation you always have options for your voice to be delivered and received. I know you will find the right way to say how you feel at the right time. Maybe this journey of self improvement and journaling will help you. You always have a voice here at least. If you ever need to talk I will listen as will others.

I hope you have a great time with your younger child. This will be a great time to connect 1 on 1. Maybe the weather will be nice and you can find some fun stuff to do. May I ask your profession? If not, no worries. 

Hi!  Thank you so much my friend! I am still processing this comment and am very quiet at the moment. Just trying to listen to my intuition. 
 

I was in finance years ago. Have a beautiful day!!

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Day 54 Still quiet. I cried a lot today. I cried a lot. I notice very often how I just want to run away, escapism mentality. 
 

I have become acutely aware of the dysfunction in our family. 
 

My kids had a great time on vacation so that’s good! I had some really deep conversations with my mom.  She told me how she thinks I don’t love her. My dad also doesn’t think I love him. I am just not an outwardly loving type of person. I am quiet, still and loyal. I don’t do these little gestures that my parents find important. 
 

But I find that whenever I am open with anyone all I get is criticism and judgment. Or at least that’s how I feel and then I shut down again. I shut down a lot. 
 

Doing my best to stay true to me. My joy and happiness comes from within. I can choose my perspective. One breath at a time. 
 

What was beautiful about my day my kiddos!!

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4 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Day 54 Still quiet. I cried a lot today. I cried a lot. I notice very often how I just want to run away, escapism mentality. 
 

I have become acutely aware of the dysfunction in our family. 
 

My kids had a great time on vacation so that’s good! I had some really deep conversations with my mom.  She told me how she thinks I don’t love her. My dad also doesn’t think I love him. I am just not an outwardly loving type of person. I am quiet, still and loyal. I don’t do these little gestures that my parents find important. 
 

But I find that whenever I am open with anyone all I get is criticism and judgment. Or at least that’s how I feel and then I shut down again. I shut down a lot. 
 

Doing my best to stay true to me. My joy and happiness comes from within. I can choose my perspective. One breath at a time. 
 

What was beautiful about my day my kiddos!!

This is a long post so I apologize in advance. My intent is not to overstep my boundary. I just want to offer my advice in this critical time for you.

Crying is a very healthy and natural form of release and stress relief. It is ok to cry so don't feel bad about it or weak. Sometimes with escapism we try to avoid our distress and sadness and video games can be a great source of escapism.

I am sorry you're feeling the pain of your situation on multiple levels. This pain can be so overwhelming at times just because of how much your life revolves around these truths you've been piecing together. 

Quitting games or any escapism habit starts with a rewarding feeling of self growth. That levels out into normalcy over time and gives us a sense of clarity where we start to gain control of our lives and see the positives and negatives more clearly. This brings about another wave of pain which often sets back people overcoming addiction. You'll see many people on this website only last 20 to 90 days because they will fail at being able to change their lives and face their problems. This is not a knock on them. It's just something I've experienced myself and seen in hundreds of people on this website over the past 2 years. 

After you cry and have the big wave of emotions it's time to gather yourself. The crying phase initially represents a human stress relief from the amount of pain you're experiencing. This might not be over, but you've hit this phase of recovery. During your self-collection start to take mental notes and write down in a personal diary, not on here if you're not comfortable, and discuss things you feel need to change. Don't try to change them right away. A behavioral therapist would be very beneficial to have during these changes and could provide vital advice and guidance if needed. 

You'll probably have to develop a strategy to communicate these issues with your partner and parents. If he's abusing you physically and/or mentally and/or you have experienced abuse growing up with your parents I am very sorry. If there are times you don't feel safe just remember you have a voice and liberty to feel and live safely in life. Life, liberty, and the pursuit  of happiness are the words engraved into the United States for a reason. 

I'm not assuming anything or trying to push anything either. Just making a general statement in case this is happening so please forgive me. 

You are so strong and brave. Keep going. You're doing an amazing job. 

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12 hours ago, Icandothis said:

I had some really deep conversations with my mom.  She told me how she thinks I don’t love her. My dad also doesn’t think I love him. I am just not an outwardly loving type of person. I am quiet, still and loyal. I don’t do these little gestures that my parents find important. 

That's great. I'm glad your parents were able to express that to you even though it might have been hard for both you and them.
I hope they learn to see the ways you do love them and that they find ways to give you love and support when you need it.

It may be hard for them but maybe more conversations like that is what they need to hear.

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Hi! @BooksandTrees 

Thank you so much for your response. I really, always feel seen and heard when you post and I so appreciate it! 
 

So one of the BIG things I have become aware of is really how horribly that those closest to me treated me. I thought this was just how parents treated children, because this was all I ever knew growing up! Whenever I need to be heard or express myself, my Dad ignores me and my mom criticizes me. Instead of active listening and really trying to understand me, they just shut me down. 
 

This has left very very deep wounds in me. When they visited this past weekend all my wounds were reopened. When I tried to express myself to my mother, she rolled her eyes at me and snickered. My usual escapism tool is no longer here... so the pain came out in full force. 
 

I see how as a result of my childhood, I picked a partner that treated me the same way. He ignores me and criticizes me. The same cycle has repeated itself!!!

 

I feel when I am around my parents and my partner, I am like a little kid. Just screaming to be heard and loved. During these moments I give that little girl so much compassion. And I give my adult self compassion as well. 
 

There is pain, but also a great amount of growth and healing. I am aware of the patterns, the cycles. I can breathe and let the emotions flood my body without having to react to them or push them away. 
 

My kids are due home soon. But I will share more as it comes!!! Thank you for your connection! I truly appreciate it!

 

Also, I do see a therapist. Who is providing a lot of tools and help with communication. Thank you for listening I will update soon!

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2 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Hi! @BooksandTrees 

Thank you so much for your response. I really, always feel seen and heard when you post and I so appreciate it! 
 

So one of the BIG things I have become aware of is really how horribly that those closest to me treated me. I thought this was just how parents treated children, because this was all I ever knew growing up! Whenever I need to be heard or express myself, my Dad ignores me and my mom criticizes me. Instead of active listening and really trying to understand me, they just shut me down. 
 

This has left very very deep wounds in me. When they visited this past weekend all my wounds were reopened. When I tried to express myself to my mother, she rolled her eyes at me and snickered. My usual escapism tool is no longer here... so the pain came out in full force. 
 

I see how as a result of my childhood, I picked a partner that treated me the same way. He ignores me and criticizes me. The same cycle has repeated itself!!!

 

I feel when I am around my parents and my partner, I am like a little kid. Just screaming to be heard and loved. During these moments I give that little girl so much compassion. And I give my adult self compassion as well. 
 

There is pain, but also a great amount of growth and healing. I am aware of the patterns, the cycles. I can breathe and let the emotions flood my body without having to react to them or push them away. 
 

My kids are due home soon. But I will share more as it comes!!! Thank you for your connection! I truly appreciate it!

 

Also, I do see a therapist. Who is providing a lot of tools and help with communication. Thank you for listening I will update soon!

You deserve to be seen and heard. You're a great person who is doing great things. I'm very proud of you for your efforts and discoveries during this journey of yours. I can strongly relate to the parental neglect and mistreatment as I've written in extreme depth in the middle pages of my post about my struggle with overcoming how I was treated by my family. It sent me into such a downward spiral of hatred for myself, them, life, and the potential to be happy. It's just not worth it over time.

Everyone faces some sort of adversity in their lives whether it's depression, cancer, death of a loved one, losing a career, etc. Some people face multiple. It's knowing that we can overcome these adverse events that sets us apart from others.

You know how I know you can overcome this? Because you've been dealing with it and overcoming it your whole life. You've dealt with the parental issues and now the partner issues. The strength is already there. Now it's just planning how to use it over some strategy sessions with your therapist. Could be a series of small events, a large event, a mix of both, etc. At least now you have that chance to see and hear your children the way you wanted to be seen and heard. It's a powerful ability you now have.

I was able to sit down with my parents 1 on 1 to discuss the issues. They didn't think they were issues until I blocked them from my life for years. I didn't talk to my dad for 9 years. He is petrified of losing me now and listens to me unconditionally at all times of the day. It took a few months of me ignoring my mom for her to realize her ways were harmful to me. Then the conversation began and we have slowly began to heal.

That's why I will keep mentioning your voice. Your voice will always be heard through some form or another. I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. This is fantastic. 

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21 hours ago, Icandothis said:

I have become acutely aware of the dysfunction in our family. 

 

9 hours ago, Icandothis said:

So one of the BIG things I have become aware of is really how horribly that those closest to me treated me. I thought this was just how parents treated children, because this was all I ever knew growing up! Whenever I need to be heard or express myself, my Dad ignores me and my mom criticizes me. Instead of active listening and really trying to understand me, they just shut me down. 

 

9 hours ago, Icandothis said:

This has left very very deep wounds in me. When they visited this past weekend all my wounds were reopened. When I tried to express myself to my mother, she rolled her eyes at me and snickered. My usual escapism tool is no longer here... so the pain came out in full force. 
 

I see how as a result of my childhood, I picked a partner that treated me the same way. He ignores me and criticizes me. The same cycle has repeated itself!!!

 

21 hours ago, Icandothis said:

My kids had a great time on vacation so that’s good! I had some really deep conversations with my mom.  She told me how she thinks I don’t love her. My dad also doesn’t think I love him. I am just not an outwardly loving type of person. I am quiet, still and loyal. I don’t do these little gestures that my parents find important. 

I think these realizations are as horrid as they are vital. Addictions are mostly just symptoms of underlying bigger mental problems. What's even worse is to realize your parents and your partner will try to dissipate the little bit of self-respect you've built up over the past two months. They do NOT like that they no longer control you to the extent they once did.

Perhaps what strikes you as unfathomable today is that some of the people close to you/you yourself might sever the ties between the two of you. It might be permanent. But the trade-off is that you'll be able to respect yourself and have people around you who respect you.

I wouldn't be surprised if there was a lot of overlap between what @BooksandTrees and I wrote and what you discuss with your therapist. Keep up the great work!

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I agree with how addictions are mostly just symptoms of underlying bigger issues. And often when you decide to start cleaning your life up a bit more, you have to start being becoming aware of the muck that is present. When you see what should be changed for the first time properly, it's daunting and confronting... I remember the first few entries of my diary. I suddenly got given a whole new look on my relationship. It lasted for a few more conflicts and then I realized that I'd gotten myself stuck in a pretty toxic situation. I can empathize with realizing that there's some flies in the soup and that it might take a lot of effort and time to remove them. Your parents, your partner, yourself. I do want to give you major props for coming to that realization; every change starts with finding out what needs to change. This is a big step in your awareness. Congrats! And I wish you shitloads of strenght :) :) 

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Hi!

Thank you @BooksandTrees, @Ikar, @Phoenixking for you comments, connection and wisdom. I am so sorry if you also had to experience the same emotional abuse.... so thank you so much to each of you for sharing your journey. 
 

It feels as if I have been living in a fog for many years and it is slowly lifting. But it is terrifying. TERRIFYING. Some days I wake up and just want to grab my knees, and curl up in a ball. But your right, I take the strength I have and what I know to be true and face the day. 
 

What I know to be true: I am loved.  I am loved so deeply beyond my imagination. And that I am love. I am capable of loving others. 
 

I wanted to write down a list of safe places to share my thoughts:

- This forum- everyone has been so kind and deeply compassionate. The comments and readings everyone’s journeys reminds me that I am not alone. 
- My friend Amy - I have made a friend. She listens deeply to me. In a non judgmental way, offering support and encouragement. I do my best to do the same for her. Listen to her, offer her a hug, offer support. I feel this is a healthy relationship. 
- My dogs - ok. This might be silly. But I can cry on them. And I really do feel like they are listening. They cover me in kisses so that makes me feel better

- My therapist- offer a kind listening ear. She has been there to listen fully and discern what rings true to me.

I am going to a yoga community and hoping to explore connections here. 

I am meeting with a career counselor next week!! I am looking to empower myself so I can make my choices on relationships and how I am treated. Right now I try to assert my boundaries with my parents and partner, and they just say, “well we are going to stop supporting you.” As I have no income, having a place for my kids and food is very important. I have to comply to their horrible treatment of me in order for us just to live. With my own income I will be able to make decisions. And I can decide not to speak to certain people if they treat me badly. 
 

It’s scary.  But just one small step at a time.  This past week has been extremely difficult, so truly, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening. 

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4 hours ago, Icandothis said:

Hi!

Thank you @BooksandTrees, @Ikar, @Phoenixking for you comments, connection and wisdom. I am so sorry if you also had to experience the same emotional abuse.... so thank you so much to each of you for sharing your journey. 
 

It feels as if I have been living in a fog for many years and it is slowly lifting. But it is terrifying. TERRIFYING. Some days I wake up and just want to grab my knees, and curl up in a ball. But your right, I take the strength I have and what I know to be true and face the day. 
 

What I know to be true: I am loved.  I am loved so deeply beyond my imagination. And that I am love. I am capable of loving others. 
 

I wanted to write down a list of safe places to share my thoughts:

- This forum- everyone has been so kind and deeply compassionate. The comments and readings everyone’s journeys reminds me that I am not alone. 
- My friend Amy - I have made a friend. She listens deeply to me. In a non judgmental way, offering support and encouragement. I do my best to do the same for her. Listen to her, offer her a hug, offer support. I feel this is a healthy relationship. 
- My dogs - ok. This might be silly. But I can cry on them. And I really do feel like they are listening. They cover me in kisses so that makes me feel better

- My therapist- offer a kind listening ear. She has been there to listen fully and discern what rings true to me.

I am going to a yoga community and hoping to explore connections here. 

I am meeting with a career counselor next week!! I am looking to empower myself so I can make my choices on relationships and how I am treated. Right now I try to assert my boundaries with my parents and partner, and they just say, “well we are going to stop supporting you.” As I have no income, having a place for my kids and food is very important. I have to comply to their horrible treatment of me in order for us just to live. With my own income I will be able to make decisions. And I can decide not to speak to certain people if they treat me badly. 
 

It’s scary.  But just one small step at a time.  This past week has been extremely difficult, so truly, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening. 

Many of us experience this emotional abuse and its on us to make sure it does not get repeated. That's what I've really loved about therapy and the lessons learned through it. It brings us together in community and creates warmth where once there was not. 

You're doing a great job. Just remember to remain grounded when that fog rises. Like I previously mentioned, once you achieve mental clarity in the 30-90 day reprieve from escapism you'll see the world differently and your heart will beat differently. I'm very happy you've found compassion in our community. I hope I've been able to talk and as always if you ever do need to talk feel free to message me as well. I'm also glad you've been able to find friends and security with a therapist. They will be your biggest adult ally for the time being. Dogs are wonderful and emotionally healing, but therapists are trustworthy and emotionally intellectual. 

My friend goes to and teaches at yoga retreats all across the country to heal others and be healed herself. I think this is a great idea for you and wish you luck as you attend. 

The biggest thing you mentioned is a career. If you read my posts from January to July you'll notice I go from wanting to leave my job, to leaving my job, to being miserable and without freedom, to getting my job back, to owning my own place, and living the way I want to live surrounded by my friends and thriving in a major career. The empowerment job security provides a person is unequal. Yes, love is powerful and having a family is important. Having a job and the financial security to live life at the pace you need and want to live is unmatched in terms of bringing happiness to your life. I think this is a great idea.

I also don't recommend you reading those posts earlier this year since I swear a lot and it's kind of messy. I am 100% open at least lol. I think I documented my journey as honest as possible.

I'm very proud of your patience through this. It's going to take some time. I hope you are ok and safe at home.

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Thank you @BooksandTrees, I truly appreciate it!

Yes, I agree, having financially stability is the key for me. To have my own voice and power. 
 

Btw- I hope you are doing well today!

 

Today is a good day. Not much to report. Just sorta living life. 
 

Thank you for listening. Have a beautiful day my friends!!!

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Y’all...... we did it!!!!!! 2 months!!!!

“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. It is human connection” 

“Now to Him who is able to do infinitely more than all we ask or imagine”

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Day 63 Just for today I will not react when others abuse me. I will not accept their anger; they can keep it. 
 

Just for today I will protect my peace, calm, stillness, love and joy. 
 

What was beautiful about my day the sweet laughter of my kids. 

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