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Ikar's Diary


Ikar
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Day 827:

I had an English class, worked out at the gym, went for sushi with my brother and had a social evening.

Day 828:

I had an English classes and we visited a friend's cottage with a few friends.

Day 829:

I had English classes and a social evening.

Day 830:

I had English classes, worked out at the gym, fixed up my bike and went to an English speaking event in the evening.

Day 831:

Today - TBA.

---

The sushi with my brother was good. He said it was the best sushi restaurant he has ever visited and it was my first sushi too. I think it would be great if we met 1-on-1 every month or so.

I've been tentatively looking around for new (old) hobbies, namely marksmanship and martial arts. I decided to let go of the regular philosophy courses, as I felt they were not bringing me enough interest and joy as they did before.

---

Gratitude: I'm grateful for films. The good ones, and the bad ones, because they remind me of the good ones.

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Day 831:

I did some paperwork, had English classes, went to the gym, watched a film and had a social evening.

Day 832:

I checked out the NMMNG forums after a long time, wrote here, did my (monthly?) financial checkup, worked out at the gym, watched two films, went to the shop, went for a walk and cleaned my car.

Day 833:

I worked on fixing my bike, cleaned my room, washed the dishes and visited my family.

Day 834:

I drove my car to the mechanic, cycled back home, had an English class, sent an email to my Erasmus coordinator, sent an email to a martial art group I'd like to join, sent out mails to get some job interviews in language companies and had a social evening with a friend.

Day 835:

Today - TBA.

---

I checked on the financial news and my financial status and everything seems to be going swimmingly. For several months I've been regularly able to save over 50% of my income and I'm sitting almost at a double of what I had at the beginning of the year. This is mainly due to the fact I started having more English classes. Most of my money is in global ETFs, plus a few months' expenses on my savings account in case something goes wrong.

Not to slack, yesterday I sent out about 15 emails to language schools, companies etc. to ask for interviews. I'm currently working for two companies, but it doesn't hurt to look around to see if there's more/better opportunities to look for before the start of the regular school year in September.

I've sent out dozens, if not hundreds, of emails asking for a job interview and I've been to dozens job interviews and out of all these interviews actually only a few of them resulted in contracts. An interesting comparison is that I've been to more job interviews than dates in my life. It's a statistic.

I brought my car to the mechanic, but my bike is in need of a mechanic as well. It's kind of an odd situation, but I hope I will get my car back soon, so that I can I have at least one of my transports operational.

I'm gonna check out a BJJ training in my area in the upcoming days, maybe resulting in a new hobby for me.

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Day 835:

I went through a few finance articles, had an English class, cycled, did a few small things and had a social evening.

Day 836:

I had English classes, attended a Brazilian jiu-jitsu class and watched Joker in the evening.

Day 837:

I worked on the exposure of my firm on Google, chatted with a friend from high school, created a funny video, got my car back from the mechanic and had a social evening.

Day 838:

I had English classes, attended a Brazilian jiu-jitsu class and talked to a friend in the evening.

Day 839:

Today - TBA.

---

@BooksandTrees Thanks. I sent out 16 mails and got only 2 responses, though today I'm going to do a more thorough and sensible scan and see what comes out of it after the weekend. The two companies I work for give me a decent amount of work already, so I am not too fussed about it, even if I don't land anything new.

I started attending BJJ/grappling classes and it's been fairly interesting and instructive. I like it.

Joker was an interesting film. The slow descent to madness and then the things that come with it... chilling. It reminds me of how things were bad for me three years ago, though I somehow managed to snap out of it and start fighting for the light.

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From today's walk:

The funny thing is that a lot of people would think that I am an extremely tough guy who can't be brought down. Yet the truth of the matter is that there has been a time where I was on the path toward destruction, malevolence and decay. Till today, I still have no idea how come that at the absolutely lowest point of my life, I managed to turn around and started fighting for the light. I would love to write that "I decided to turn around", but I think that would be extremely arrogant and treacherous to assume that. Perhaps we have more free will on some matters than others.

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Interesting to read your entries. I keep seeing that you are “hedging” your interests by making sure that one activity/attachment doesn’t define you. You are pursuing multiple objectives at any one time. I still fall prey into sacrificing some activities in order to pursue my main one (work).

Your approach generates better results because you enter the negotiating table with more bargaining power than you otherwise would. Most young people perceive bank accounts as the sole saving facility, but you took the time to learn about other types and so on.

Your planning must be on a good level since you are able to simultaneously develop multiple aspects and skills.

I think I could certainly use a more advanced diary than a simple list of to-do activities each day.

Recently I read the beginning of Barack Obama’s book and this is what I gathered:

1) people get drawn into little superficial things in politics that obstruct the real underlying issues. 

2) when you don’t exercise your rights, your superiors assume that you are waving them.

 

 

 

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35 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Interesting to read your entries. I keep seeing that you are “hedging” your interests by making sure that one activity/attachment doesn’t define you. You are pursuing multiple objectives at any one time. I still fall prey into sacrificing some activities in order to pursue my main one (work).

You are exactly right. I let gaming, and later on my X, define me for a long time, so I am very averse to narrowing myself down just to a few activities or people today. I know some people would argue that "what we do is not all we are", but I think I am heavily oriented towards action as a person. I can't "just exist" for prolonged periods of time without any agenda at all.

I also think that the more interests I pursue, the better will it be for my stability, though I am aware there's a ceiling for the number. If I look through my monthly report, I can distinguish two main categories - core and individual. I think "core" are common for all of us and trying to dodge them can have serious repercussions, while "individual" make us all a bit different from each other and they change over time.

Core: family, education, exercise, social/friends, romance

Individual: writing, reading, English, finance, films, chess, marksmanship

35 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Your approach generates better results because you enter the negotiating table with more bargaining power than you otherwise would.

I didn't make that comment in my yesterday's entry, but I definitely feel more adept at the negotiating table at work than in dating, though the principle is the same; to see whether something beneficial might come out of it or not.

35 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Most young people perceive bank accounts as the sole saving facility, but you took the time to learn about other types and so on.

I honestly learnt through my own mistakes, though I haven't incurred any great "active" losses (looking at Forex and the finance advisory business). Plus it's better to take risks young with smaller amounts of money than old with larger amounts of money. I however do think I am good at handling my financial situation.

35 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Your planning must be on a good level since you are able to simultaneously develop multiple aspects and skills.

I think I could certainly use a more advanced diary than a simple list of to-do activities each day.

I think a lot of it came just through tracking the areas of my life and how they develop over time. It seems it originally came from the idea of comparing my life before quitting games and after quitting games and then it just continued on and on.

I am not pushing myself to "do better" in each area all the time, but if I notice something recurring over time, I can investigate it. That's the power of journaling after all; not only it keeps records fairly accurately, it can also show us how were we thinking about things before and now.

I honestly encourage you to just copy-paste my monthly report and fill in what's true for you, how do you feel about it etc. It makes it easier to follow the trends in areas that matter.

47 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

Recently I read the beginning of Barack Obama’s book and this is what I gathered:

1) people get drawn into little superficial things in politics that obstruct the real underlying issues. 

2) when you don’t exercise your rights, your superiors assume that you are waving them.

1) reminds me of the fact that today's age has a tendency to make everything into monetizable entertainment. News is a perfect example; it used to be so boring and fact-based 100 years ago, now it's about being exciting/infuriating and fiction-based. Plus every political system on the planet will claim that it is the best one that has ever been invented.

2) makes me think about the global CV situation. I made my statement on it a few weeks ago though, so I'll just paste it again here to remind myself of it:

Quote

I'm getting somewhat worried about the fact the CV vaccine seems to be becoming the sole ticket to "normal life". Some countries have already made restrictions for entrance conditioned by vaccination - which is in a way fine, because there are still a lot of countries that do not do that and traveling overall is not my cup of tea, though I'd argue most younger people feel stronger about this than I do.

The majority of people I know mention traveling and convenience (no testing, forms etc.) as their main reasons to get vaccinated. It isn't compassion with others (as all the major risk groups already had the chance to get vaccinated anyway) or their own health. I never felt that my health is threatened by the virus; on the contrary, the gym/outdoor workout closures made it more difficult for me to stick to more sensible workout routine. I have also never left the dorms to isolate and to live with my parents again, as more social contact was one of the catalysts as to why I moved in fall 2019.

As less than half of the population is vaccinated (while I believe most people had the chance to be fully vaccinated already), I'm going to be unhappy if the government decides to make the CV tests fully paid by citizens (they plan that for September), if we continue to be required to be either vaccinated or tested to go abroad, to the restaurant or even to go work etc. I think it's fairly dangerous to disregard the opinion of half the people living in the country and to make their lives increasingly difficult by pushing them via additional restrictions into the "second grade citizen" status or to force them this way to get vaccinated. I wish there were less demagogues and more dialogue to reduce the division/polarization between people.

 

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Day 839:

I wrote e-mails for interviews, cleaned my old HDD, went for a walk, cooked, watched a comedy film, washed the dishes and went to an English speaking event.

Day 840:

I started reading Bogle's "The Little Book of Common Sense Investing", visited my family, talked to a friend in the evening and wrote here.

Day 841:

I had English classes, got through e-mails, went with my car for a check, attended the BJJ class and watched a film about martial arts.

Day 842:

I got through the newsletters, read, got through mails, went for a walk, had English classes and a social evening.

Day 843:

I started writing the next article for my blog, cooked, had English classes, attended BJJ and watched "The Bourne Identity" in the evening.

Day 844:

I had English classes, read, cooked, had an online interview, watched "The Bourne Supremacy" and went to an English speaking event.

Day 845:

Today - TBA.

---

I started watching more films, meaning I use my HDD to store them on. I went through it and deleted 400 GB of games/save files that I had there for several years.

 

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Day 845:

I had English classes, attended BJJ and visited my family.

Day 846:

I spent time with my family, read Bogle's book, did the laundry and talked to friends in the evening.

Day 847:

I read, prepared for English classes for the next week, watched Bourne's Ultimatum, went out with a friend in the afternoon and went to play billiard in the evening.

Day 848:

I went to a job interview, read, went to BJJ, had an English class and played cards in the evening.

Day 849:

Today - TBA.

---

Going through the old HDD, I also encountered recordings of my old streams. I made them about three and a half years ago. My initial feeling was that I have not changed that much at all, although there are big differences. The age/experience difference between someone who is 21 and someone who is 24 can be enormous.

It's not my idea, but the older I get, the more I realize that life is a game of tradeoffs. I can't be everywhere, be with everyone and do everything. I have to choose, even though the none of the options have to be necessarily "better".

I've been enjoying the BJJ trainings. The guys are all fairly friendly and helpful, as there's usually not much time to do the basics, so I found some resources to study at home at least from videos.

I also went to a job interview. It was pretty good, as I felt the interviewer was blunt and straightforward about the job. I have the opportunity to teach at high school beginning from September, 10-20 hours a week with a decent salary, mainly women aged 15-20.

With that, there is a lot of unknowns:

1) My car is in need of some repairs. I want to get it fixed and have the documentation done by the end of August, but I do not know how much will the repairs cost and if it's not outright better to get another car.

2) I want to go to Erasmus, yet at the same time it could collide with the fact I could teach at the high school. Going to Erasmus is quite hazy as well; I'm approved for the summer semester (January/February?), but I have zero idea how will it look like with the CV situation in half a year. In that regard, having a steady job at the high school seems better. Above all, I have to prioritize my university studies and find out soon about my schedule and assignments.

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Day 849:

I read, wrote here, went for a walk and had English classes.

Day 850:

I got through mails, had English classes and attended BJJ.

Day 851:

I had English classes, talked to a friend and had a social English evening.

Day 852:

I read, did the laundry and had English classes.

Day 853-854:

I went to go down the river with a few other people.

Day 855:

I had English classes, wrote my friends, talked to a friend, attended BJJ and did the groceries.

Day 856:

I wrote my friend, had English classes, cleaned my room and finished reading CSI by Bogle.

Day 857:

Today - TBA.

---

My car's getting fixed at the moment. It's somewhat annoying, as it hinders my mobility, but I'll get through that.

I finished reading the book by Bogle about investing. Nothing too new, but a reminder is not bad from time to time.

I enjoy the BJJ class, but I feel kind of all over the place, as there's no class for basics and beginners. I know I am supposed to get my ass kicked for the first few weeks/months, though it's difficult to keep myself on track in the current system.

I still have zero idea how will my schedule look like when I am at the university, as I will know the schedule in two or three weeks and I start the semester in a month. I already feel the time constraints of not being able to do everything I want. I might have to give up the high school job where I was on an interview the last week. We'll see.

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Day 857:

I had English classes, met with a friend in the afternoon and had a social evening.

Day 858:

I had English classes, a job interview and went to an English speaking event in the evening.

Day 859:

I had English classes, asked for a raise and went to a party in the evening.

Day 860:

I went out with a friend, checked out information about finance and how to negotiate a pay raise and went to bed early.

Day 861:

Today - TBA.

---

I noticed I have been going out/being social in the evening every time since 11th, so I decided to take a break yesterday. We've been playing billiard quite often too. The good thing is I have not been drinking either and I'm mostly on non-alcoholic beer.

I'm meeting my boss tomorrow regarding the pay raise, so I want to study/studied how to prepare for the meeting. I don't want to just come there and bark out the number, even if that works. I want to have a deep and serious discussion about what can I do for the firm, how I see my future in it and then land the ask after all the other important things have been mentioned.

I'm coming to face the fact that the theme that seems to be running through my entire life is stability. It really comes to me that all I need is a few good friends, a job I like, some romantic relationship, a few hobbies, exercise and just work on these regularly. That's how I imagine my dream life, day in and day out. The downfall of that is I can become too rigid, unimaginative and safe in an attempt to achieve that.

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On 8/29/2021 at 4:07 AM, Ikar said:

Day 857:

I had English classes, met with a friend in the afternoon and had a social evening.

Day 858:

I had English classes, a job interview and went to an English speaking event in the evening.

Day 859:

I had English classes, asked for a raise and went to a party in the evening.

Day 860:

I went out with a friend, checked out information about finance and how to negotiate a pay raise and went to bed early.

Day 861:

Today - TBA.

---

I noticed I have been going out/being social in the evening every time since 11th, so I decided to take a break yesterday. We've been playing billiard quite often too. The good thing is I have not been drinking either and I'm mostly on non-alcoholic beer.

I'm meeting my boss tomorrow regarding the pay raise, so I want to study/studied how to prepare for the meeting. I don't want to just come there and bark out the number, even if that works. I want to have a deep and serious discussion about what can I do for the firm, how I see my future in it and then land the ask after all the other important things have been mentioned.

I'm coming to face the fact that the theme that seems to be running through my entire life is stability. It really comes to me that all I need is a few good friends, a job I like, some romantic relationship, a few hobbies, exercise and just work on these regularly. That's how I imagine my dream life, day in and day out. The downfall of that is I can become too rigid, unimaginative and safe in an attempt to achieve that.

I think you have a good idea on how yo ask for a raise. As long as you're legitimately important and have truly warranted it. Do some research online on websites like glassdoor and indeed to see what people in your job field earn per year as well so you have back up.

I think you're figuring out life. I honestly just want a job I enjoy, spend time with my girlfriend, exercise, do a few hobbies, and have some friends who care. You've trimmed the fat of things that deter you and now it's time to hone in on what you need to add. I'd also say be patient because we're always changing and life is long. 

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On 9/4/2021 at 11:54 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I think you have a good idea on how yo ask for a raise. As long as you're legitimately important and have truly warranted it. Do some research online on websites like glassdoor and indeed to see what people in your job field earn per year as well so you have back up.

Yup, I have done my research, I will write in my entry below how it all turned out.

On 9/4/2021 at 11:54 AM, BooksandTrees said:

I think you're figuring out life. I honestly just want a job I enjoy, spend time with my girlfriend, exercise, do a few hobbies, and have some friends who care. You've trimmed the fat of things that deter you and now it's time to hone in on what you need to add. I'd also say be patient because we're always changing and life is long. 

I don't think there is anything much to be desired in life honestly. The time is limited and (luckily) so are the things that really matter. The fattest thing I had to trim was obviously gaming; nowadays I always get strong feelings of discomfort whenever I feel I am going overboard in one area of life. I have already experienced a few times that I am at my most fullfilled whenever I feel my life is in balance and when I embody the things I want.

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Day 861:

I wrote here, got through newsletters, visited my family and grandma and played billiard in the evening.

Day 862:

I had and English class, got the pay raise, did the laundry, got through the mails, got my car back and watched a film with a friend in the evening.

Day 863:

I started moving, had English classes, did some paperwork and cooked with my friend.

Day 864:

I continued moving, talked to a friend and had English classes.

Day 865:

I finished moving, got through mails, had English classes, got my car through the technical check, washed the dishes and went to an English speaking event.

Day 866:

I had English classes, got through mails and had a social evening.

Day 867:

I had a social day - I played billiard and had Thai food.

Day 868:

I helped my friend to move, spent time with my family and slept over at my parents' house.

Day 869:

Today - TBA.

---

I prepared diligently for the interview for the pay raise and I got it, although it is only enough to cover the inflation of the past two years. I think I have pretty much hit the ceiling with what the private language schools are able to offer me and I'm also running into the limitations of my time. I also declined the high school teaching job, because it was further away and because I actually still don't know my university schedule. I have more flexibility teaching single bite-sized courses once or twice a week than having to be somewhere thrice a week to spread out the classes for teenagers.

This got mentioned at the English speaking event, but I have not been working on my own marketing of my English business. I finished my website in March 2020, updated it in November 2020 and about a month ago I put myself on Google Maps. I'm gonna ask my friend how to go about this, because he is already doing what I am aiming at.

My car's been successfully fixed, passed the technical check and I can drive it for the next two years. My bike is not yet fixed, but I am gonna make time to let it get fixed.

I had my friend as a roommate for a few days and it has been fairly interesting and fun. We went to a couple of events together and I had a few interesting insights from those days and then I helped her to move. The main one is perhaps that I am able to say sorry to people when I hurt them physically by accident, but I hardly ever apologize for psychical pain (i.e. in a fit of anger), as it's difficult for me to feel guilty for that and because it's not objective.

 

pool

BJJ - 10-6 worktime

dance - shooting range

too social?

MONTHLY

good talk

 

A quote from a film I saw the last week that I resonate with. Don't mind the numbers!

854 01:46:25,526 --> 01:46:27,721 "I have lived through much, 855 01:46:28,829 --> 01:46:32,526 "and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. 856 01:46:36,370 --> 01:46:39,065 "A quiet secluded life in the country, 857 01:46:40,974 --> 01:46:45,707 "with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, 858 01:46:47,513 --> 01:46:50,949 "and who are not accustomed to have it done to them. 859 01:46:52,819 --> 01:46:55,912 "And work which one hopes may be of some use. 860 01:46:57,589 --> 01:47:01,889 "Then rest, nature, books, music, 861 01:47:02,628 --> 01:47:04,619 "love for one's neighbor. 862 01:47:08,600 --> 01:47:11,034 "Such is my idea of happiness. 863 01:47:13,972 --> 01:47:20,535 "And then, on top of all that, you for a mate, 864 01:47:21,746 --> 01:47:23,680 "and children perhaps. 865 01:47:25,583 --> 01:47:28,381 "What more can the heart of a man desire?"

 

TBD

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Continuation:

I've been playing pool and billiard in the evenings recently. It's a fairly interesting social hobby, surprisingly good for training precision and technique.

I have not attended the BJJ class in the past two weeks, mainly because the time-slot doesn't work well with my job, as I often teach until the evening. I'm researching other options that would be more suitable for my time schedule.

Related to the sport/coordination/movement hobbies, I have been thinking about picking up some dance classes, as I have never attended one and I already do have a pretty nice looking suit I'm not using. Joining a shooting club's been on my mind as well.

It's been a crazy past few days that I've spent quite socially and with not enough sleep. I tend to be fairly irritable when I am on low sleep. Today and yesterday I've caught up on it though, so I'm feeling better already.

I had two or three good talks the past week with people: one with a new guy I share some views with, one with an older guy encouraging me to write more (based on the compliment I gave him that I noticed he structures his sentences beautifully and uses advanced words in speech with confidence) and one I mentioned earlier with my friend about physical/psychical pain and feeling sorry.

I also need to start work on my monthly report!

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I'm using the template I used the last time. 23/07/21 - 10/09/21


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.


---


Active writing (blog/writings/journal):

L: About three weeks ago I wrote a few short texts here. I also attempted to write a start of my new blog post at the weekend.

T: I wrote here, though I didn't work on my blog post. I have been encouraged by multiple to write more though and I do like the way I put sentences together, either in text or in speech - it is an art!

Future goals/direction:

Finish Past Authoring and the whole course.

Write on my blog.

Keep writing in my diary here twice a week.

Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book.

 

Books/Reading articles:

L: My inbox is clear and I have read the first two books of "Warrior Kid" series by Willink. They're pretty simple, straightforward and believable.

T: I read "The Little Book of Common Sense Investing" by Bogle (personal finance) and caught up on newsletters too.

Future goals/direction:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

Read "The Little Book of Common Sense Investing" by Bogle.

 

Family:

L: My father helped me with a few things regarding the car and I am going to get sushi with my brother the next week.

T: My mom's been on a long-term sick leave for almost a year now. She's gonna be in the hospital for the next three weeks to see if she improves there. Tomorrow, I am meeting my father for lunch and with my brother for sushi dinner. I'm happy they are both willing to help me when I need their help and in turn they can count on me.

Future goals/direction:

Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family.

 

University:

L: I meet fellow students here and there, although I am not studying at all at the moment.

T: The university should start in a week. The dorm is getting busier, as some foreign exchange and even home students have already arrived.

Future goals/direction:

Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis.

 

Exercise/movement:

L: I've been keeping up with the movement quite well, despite the fact gym was opened and closed about the same time.

T: The gym was closed since the end of July until this Monday, meaning I only made it there today. I went to the jiu-jitsu classes in August, but I can't make it work with my work schedule too well. I walked quite a lot - the city center is about two kilometers and I am there every other day. I have been thinking about picking up evening Krav Maga courses to have more regular martial art exercise.

Future goals/direction:

Martial art research.

Keep in shape (using walks/sex/exercise).

 

Social:

L: I started visiting more social groups that I used to visit in the past. I met with my geography group, English speaking evening group and others.

T: I went to a few trips that lasted a day or more. Other than that, I continued going to the English group and the billiard events in the evening.

Future goals/direction:

-

 

English:

L: I have a few lessons less, but it's still nearly 20 hours of classes in July/August.

T: I'm positive I'm gonna be able to have above 25 hours of classes every week, that is if they do not collide with my university duties. I sent out the mails and the past two weeks have been fairly hectic in communication.

Future goals/direction:

I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email. (do in August)

I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.

I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.

 

Women/dating:

L:

Spoiler

I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)

We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. (May)

There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life.

That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening.

I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer.

Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone.

To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this. (June/July)

T: I noticed that I am thinking more outside of my head about this topic and around friends which is good.

 

Future goals/direction:

-

 

Additional activities:

Personal finance: I've gone from actively spending time on this topic to more passive scanning.

Chess: I still do a bit of chess every now and then, but not as often as before.

Marksmanship: I've been having thoughts about returning to this hobby.

Films: I watched a few films in the last month. The past month saw a steady decline though.


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Masturbation - reminder:

L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process.

This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over.

T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area.


Meditation:

L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄

I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore.

T: -


Gratitude:

L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues.

T: -


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Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:


Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:


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Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:

I think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had March/April 2019, because it could be deadly.

I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.

Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.

I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.

I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.

I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.

Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.

I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.

I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.

I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.

I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.

It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.

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Day 869:

I went to the dentist, wrote here, had English classes, played Scrabble with mom, played football and had a social evening.

Day 870:

I cleaned my room, washed the dishes, got through the mails, went for a walk, worked on resolving my internet issues at the dorm, had an English class and worked on the monthly report.

Day 871:

I had English classes, went for a lunch with my dad, had sushi with my brother for dinner and watched a short documentary about WWII.

Day 872:

I got a new haircut, read a bit about the Normandy WWII landings, had English classes and went to an English speaking event in the evening.

Day 873:

I got through mails, had English classes, got the results from a voting calculator, worked out at the gym, resolved the internet issue, watched a few YT videos about finance and psychology, went for a walk and finished the monthly report.

Day 874:

Today - TBA.

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I am thinking about some new approaches to English (both in teaching itself and in marketing), so it's gonna be great to meet my teacher at the university again.

I was having some internet issues the past week and a half, but they are resolved now. It was somewhat annoying to run on the WiFi all the time, because the cable is the cable!

I played football and went to the gym, both after a long time. I'm happy for that, as I need the exercise to tire myself to sleep well at night. There are self-defense courses at the uni and the evening Krav Maga courses as well, so I have more things to choose from.

The English event on Thursday was fun and I circulated a lot, talking to new people.

The voting calculator left me somewhat dazzled, as the three top parties (roughly with equal percentages) I identify with are from the moderate left, populist center and conservative right. It seems it's not easy to put me into a box of a political party!

My father did the work and fixed the bike for me. I'm grateful to him for that.

I finished the monthly report, because I felt it had to be done, but I don't think I gave it enough thought as I would like to. It was more of a statement of what I did or what happened rather than a good reflection. I guess I'll catch up on it in my regular entries.

The past two weeks have been somewhat stressful, although it never really got on top of me to bring me down into prolonged bad mood. I'm gonna use this weekend to relax and do some hobbies.

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Day 874:

I wrote here, prepared for my classes next week, watched some documentaries, tried writing another article for my blog, watched "Talented Mister Ripley", played football and went out to the English speaking event in the evening.

Day 875:

I watched some documentaries, visited my family and cleaned my room & dishes.

Day 876:

I had English classes, had an interview, worked out at the gym, read a part of "Gulag Archipelago" I wanted to go through again for a long time and watched "Hurt Locker" in the evening.

Day 877:

I went to donate blood together with a girl I know, did some shopping, worked at the gym, watched some documentaries and had a social evening.

Day 878:

I had English lessons and a social evening.

Day 879:

I had English lessons, got through the mails, figured out my university schedule, went to the shop and had a social evening.

Day 880:

I had English lessons, worked out at the gym, met up with the university students from my bachelor studies, played billiard and spent the night dancing.

Day 881:

I got through some newsletters, did the laundry, played football and was social in the afternoon/evening.

Day 882:

Today - TBA.

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I enjoyed both the Ripley and Hurt Locker films for their endings.

I have to say that the social events I have been going to have changed in the past few months. Before that it was mostly playing cards in the hall with other Czech people, though in June the restaurants/bars were already open and I started going out more to events there as well. I think I am learning more socially (and about myself) thanks to my evenings being more diverse.

Monday and Tuesday were very calm, yet the rest of the workweek has been fairly busy, while I am keeping active of my own volition during the weekend. With all that I have planned for the next week (meaning work + university), I am already looking at around 45 hours of planned activity the next week.

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Day 882:

I wrote here, prepared for my English classes, visited my family and met with the new Czech students at the dorm in the evening.

Day 883:

I had English classes, university classes and was social in the evening.

Day 884:

I had English classes, university classes, worked out at the gym, got through some newsletters and mails and sang karaoke in the evening.

Day 885:

Today - TBA.

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This last week's been fairly great. I am meeting a lot of new and old people and generally enjoying the evenings socially, both with girls and boys.

I found out that the masters' courses at the uni are more practical and need more independent action from me compared to my bachelor studies. I like that, as I can work on the things in my own time. I was also surprised by the fact that the uni and my own English classes do not clash at all, as they are all in different times and I only had to make minor adjustments.

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

This last week's been fairly great. I am meeting a lot of new and old people and generally enjoying the evenings socially, both with girls and boys.

I found out that the masters' courses at the uni are more practical and need more independent action from me compared to my bachelor studies. I like that, as I can work on the things in my own time. I was also surprised by the fact that the uni and my own English classes do not clash at all, as they are all in different times and I only had to make minor adjustments.

Hey! Glad you're having such a good week 🙂 As a university student, I relate to that good feeling of not having schedule conflicts haha. Hope that good things will continue to happen!

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On 9/22/2021 at 5:25 PM, Pochatok said:

Hey! Glad you're having such a good week 🙂 As a university student, I relate to that good feeling of not having schedule conflicts haha. Hope that good things will continue to happen!

Thanks!

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Day 885:

I had English classes, went to the gym, went through mails, wrote here, went to the shop, attended the meeting of my geography group and had a social evening.

Day 886:

I had English classes, picked up my mom from the hospital and spent some time with her and had a social evening.

Day 887:

I had English classes, went for a walk, got through mails and watched "The Rock" in the evening.

Day 888:

I reorganized my room, cleaned it, washed the dishes, spent the afternoon with a friend and helped her transport a new chair and watched a comedy film in the evening.

Day 889:

Today - TBA.

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Day 889:

I wrote here, prepared for a date, visited my family and watched a comedy in the evening.

Day 890:

I worked out at the gym, had uni classes, an English class of my own and went to a date in the evening.

Day 891:

Today - TBA.

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Today is national holiday, meaning there are no uni or company courses, so I'm trying to figure out what to do and writing a diary entry seems like a solid thing to do.

I set up a date yesterday with a girl I talked to for about an hour last Sunday. I took her for a walk around the city center, showed her a few places, went to a café... we had a similar flow of conversation as we did the last week for about two and a half hours and I think it was meaningful.

I already know that I want to organize something similar with her the next week and I'm going to do that.

What bugs me the most is that I do not know much more than that. I don't feel much more than that. I'm in uncharted territory, as any time I tried to date for the long term, no sexual relationship has come out of it. We always got physical fairly fast. Regardless, I think the right answer to that is just to do what I normally do, to not overthink it and go on/organize more dates.

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On 9/28/2021 at 7:12 PM, Gundham said:

Happy St. Wenceslas day! Glad you had a good one. And I will keep my fingers crossed for you regarding your date.

Thanks! I talked to her a bit yesterday in a group setting and I sent her a message today to meet up on Monday again. We'll see how that goes.

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Day 891:

I had English classes, read some articles for a university course, wrote here, went outside to hop around with basketball (some Erasmus guys joined me later) and had a social evening.

Day 892:

I worked on a uni assignment, had English classes and had a social evening.

Day 893:

I went to the gym, had English lessons and decided to relax on my own in the evening and to write this.

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I feel these past two weeks have been somewhat rough, sort of living the lifestyle of "work hard, play/party hard". I get these weird stretches of time where sometimes minutes drag like hours, but on the other hand the days seem to be going by extremely fast. I feel as if I need to be doing something all the time, while I'm having a hard time relaxing in some sensible matter on my own when I do not need to do anything.

As for dating, in the future I want to go out with multiple women at once or live the scenario where I know I have the option to do so. I think I am slowly trending towards it, as with the dorms full of people, I'm put on the spot. I dislike the idea of either not dating at all or being locked into seeing just one option as predominantly prevalent, no matter how viable it is.

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I stumbled upon the text file of this report regarding my time usage about a year ago. It made me realize that even though I feel I am the same every day, I certainly do different things over time. It made me realize there is not enough time to do everything and be everywhere. It made me realize what I enjoy and value.

For example, I was juggling three jobs the last September and eventually, I got into teaching English the most and it's been my main for about a year now.

I could go on about which activities changed, transformed and so on, but I think at this point I am beginning to face a bigger challenge:

1) how to safeguard my free time and 2) how to trust myself I am going to use it well

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