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Gundham

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Everything posted by Gundham

  1. Okay, uhm, hi This will be my last post here until next detox, which i hope will happen around January/February, but probably way later. In the meantime I shall embark on a goal/dream-hunting journey so I actually have other reasons to quit gaming apart from not dying. I feel like I focused too much on how to make things right but not really on what should i actually do. My future is looking empty still. I know how to overcome every obstacle i can think of, but there are not any obstacles. Need to put some there. Starting with job (new opportunities), school (finding assigments I actually enjoy) and relationship (make it great, not just good. Also find my own way to go through and not just what should be done). I dont know if i should include hobbies into all this and i hope i will find out. I plan to consult all this carefully as I hope there are people around me that actually do care. If not... well, I shall worry about that later. Cheers to you all and cheers @Wojciech S.for sparking this idea. I shall be back with not only my divas, but hopes and dreams as well.
  2. Comparation can really be a bitch sometimes. My goals fell from being better than others to just not make problems... both of those are not enough to really stop me from gaming. Try not to be harsh on yourself... keep in mind, that you are doing what you are used to and changing that is a long and tough goal. Am sure are doing your best, 6 weeks is a lot of days and i can see lot of reflecting from your actions. Hope you do hang in there somewhere!
  3. Thanks for the reply man! I will probably share development in the department of both future and relationships here. Glad i have somewhere to share it and that there is somebody that actually cares about my thoughts. It really means a lot.
  4. Heyo, I am starting to feel better. Might even take my life seriously again, maybe... okay, lets not get ahead of ourselves. It still took me a bit, not gonna lie. It is amazing how little things drastically improve the way i can control my time. My self care sucks, but even if I am miserable i know what to do to get my brain to, like, not get lost in it and do stuff so i do not die. Good job me. Also, the progress from the "addiction to games -> addiction to success -> living too much through my problems -> now" is currently in the state of trying to figure out why do i want to fix my problems in the first place. To be more precise, it feels like part of me (probably closest is my brain) wants to get myself sorted out to have time to do something better, but the other parts (linked to emotions mostly) are constantly asking about what the fudge that better thing actually is... and i am unsure about that. Hobbies are nice, but they just do not have the right... boom shaka-laka in them. Life feels like something lived to be preserved, not like something i really want to push towards the future. I need some form of development, creation, movement, speed, stuff like that, but i just cant link it to my feelings, to what i really want. I also feel betrayed from being given sense of freedom that i cant utilize, because nobody told me there are rules i need to fulfill to be able to embrace the freedom in the first place. So in the process of adjusting to the rules i kind of neglected the process of sorting out what do i actually want to do with my freedom. @IkarI also stumbled again upon this comment and you talking about relationships in your own diary and I feel similar to development in this department... Again it is like part of me wants good sex with all the partners, other part is just happy with the one relationship i actually do have, other part just likes to chill with women and discuss the matters from different perspective then I usually do with men... I just get lost with what to listen to. And it is getting more noisy last few days over meeting a girl I find myself very interested in recently. Stay strong people, you are awesome. I shall be back
  5. Hey there, some dark days happened. Today is my first day accounting and i actually found myself some free time to write... not that i didnt have time, free time is controlling me again tho. Past days were... i do not really want to talk about it, way too much gaming, bad self-care, dunno, it just all merged together into a time I am sad i lived. There were some bright moments tho, routines didnt die, I still managed to go to most of my appointments and therapy was inspiring too... I probably need it more often. We had a disagreement with my therapist, I wanted to talk about my problems, she kinda neglected it with me being way too much focused on my problems and let them define me... And she cant really understand me, because i talk through my problems and not through my strengths, or my dreams, like, my dreams are to be free of problems. Cant stop thinking about it. In this light, gaming could be an escape from those problems (and it would make another problem itself with gaming being seen negatively by most of my surroundings...) @Wojciech S.I will check the podcast out, it looks like a thing I could need right now tbh. Thanks for the tip! Stay strong people, I shall be back
  6. Hey guys, still here. Just needed to share some things, even tho I am still in state of relapse. Routines are still holding strong. No night playing since the start. Also no oversleeping. I made good progress with work, my personal assistance boss was super understanding and let me change my time schedule to minimal, so the plan of having 2 small jobs is becoming a reality. Therapy is taking an interesting turn. Looks like being addicted to games is a byproduct of being addicted to success. Need to do more research on the topic but it feels right. I dont feel like my life plan is to become successful (or at least, successful in hecking everything I do), it just I feel like I am in a cage of having to do that or I will just die. I am kind of lost in the topic though, its very new... does anyone have any insight, literature, anything that could shed some light? It feels like nonsense a bit, success is something i should want to follow, isnt it? Cheers to all of you for being awesome, stay strong!
  7. @ChewyChickenBones I am playing Genshin Impact. Its not only the game is addicting (well made gacha system), I also really like the game, even with staying f2p (which I will never break). Other games I didnt even think about starting yet. Not sure if I dare not to just restart the detox, my favourite character is coming in rotation soon and i fear i would just relapse again and with harder impact. I made some progress in work department, looks like I will be able to cut time in personal assistance and do some accounting job with it. It feels good, just about to keep me occupied but not that energy demanding, I also like the feel of making chaotic documents look all sorted out and nice. All that I need to do is to not fall into rabbit holes and keep my head up. Cheers and good luck, I will be back.
  8. Okay, i think i should just swallow my pride and post here. Relapse happened. I feel like I brought it to myself, got my body too exhausted to support me against the pressures of my cravings. I dont feel bad tho. 22 days is a good number for first try. I shall be back soon, not planning to do it now as i still feel exhausted and would probably fall to relapse cycle. I dont think I am cured, my brain is still full of cravings, but I have more control now. It shall be easier to control myself and get myself ready for another try. Good stuff that happened during this detox: - got my morning and evening routine set up and they stand tall even with games. - I have my weekly schedule set up and running - Rekindled some activities (cooking, board games, swing dance, philosophy, music, exercising) and currently do not feel any intention of stopping although my development will probably slow down. - I find it easier to dodge yt videos and not kill time with mindless internet scrolling (not that I am free of it, but it is easier) - Finally learned how to properly spell the word exercise - Generally my overthinking diminished as I am more free to talk with people and with myself about random things. Heck I even went out with my girl at 4am in the rain for a bit and it was amazing. Things to note towards future attempts: - fix my limits. Cant concentrate on myself without energy. (Any tips/books/methods? Am lost in this department) - set some safety nets to help me if things get ugly - be more careful about talking to people about games. I probably did it too much, cause at the start of detox I was alone outside of it and it felt horrid. Now I have more people to talk to, so hopefully it will be easier - find less energy-demanding work That is all from me for now. I will still be lurking the formus and maybe occasionally post, although I dont feel I have the privilege, since games are currently back in my life. Maybe will post about how/if I manage gaming, dunno. Thank you all for your support and I shall be back!
  9. Day 22 "Speak the name of evil and it shall appear" - Gundham Tanaka, Ultimate breeder, Rightful ruler of the earth, Overlord of ice and Master of four Dark Divas of destruction! (hi) Short summary. Sad day divided between work i hated to do and free time I didnt want to live through, urges were overwhelming me today. I put on a nice face mask for the clients, cant let my anger get into my work, but when I was with myself i just crumbled. Didnt start a game, watched a bit of speedrun and a couple gaming videos tho. I call that a small loss that i want to use to fuel my way forward. Gather experience, stand up, go on. As always. Also I probably need a job change. Why today was great: - Managed to eat at least something - Songs helped to ease at least some tension - Isolated myself so I dont do anything stoopid to people i care about - Managed to let my girl know how i was feeling Notable points: - The job change thing comes from several things. I dont want to be personal assistant with elderly, it was just comfortable to get work at a place i know from my school placements and it was easy to play games with it/turn down services if I needed. The work is giving me close to nothing, expect keeping my schedule somehow consistent. And finally, I dont think I am good assistant to most of elderly clients, although I kind of got to like them... I look too much like a game character from the world they do not understand and I dont understand theirs. There have been too many services turned down just because of my actual looks or not looking schooled/responsible enough. Am tired of this. How can I show that I actually mean to be kind when I am bad at expressing it/bad at looking like a kind person. Probably need to grow a bit outside of games, but I am contemplating how/where. Oh well, I still have time, although I need stable income to keep the place i live in. Lets set up a plan to figure up new work in 2 months, shall we? That sounds like a reasonable amount of time, for starters... I dont think I will survive in this job much longer Good luck mate, you can do this
  10. Day 21 of detox "Do you feel like everything seems unreal lately? Not in a bad way though" - Abigail Another saturday and i was dreading this one after the mess of the day yesterday was. Turned out pretty ok tho. Woke up at 6am completely refreshed (no clue how) and generally had a pretty chill day, even though I had to cancel the trip i was planning. I am sure it was a good choice. Cravings didnt turn up until evening, so now everything is stoopid again. Trying to be chill about it. Not working, as I am drowning myself in sugar. Sigh. I wish my brain functioned normally. Thinking has been feeling really weird lately. Maybe i can just... not think maybe? Sounds unreasonable though. Wait, thats thinking again... aaaa, this is not working out. Why today was great: - Decent day regarding movement+rest balance - Visited cat café - mooooore board games (nope, not getting bored or boarded) - I actually think me and a guy from board games group are becoming good friends. - Great food throughout the day overall (maybe too much sugar, but I dont care today) - Did setup basic schedule for the next week and it is actually looking decent Notable points: - I am pretty sure I am not trying to be funny, these are the thoughts my brain offers me. It is useful when dealing with things, it gives me calmness and time to fix stuff (it does probably cost seriousness tho). If i think to much i tend to just overthink, the decisions are more accurate to present tho. Need to balance this. - It is nice how I am surrounded by people playing computer games but actually make time to spent with me outside of those. Gives me hope I will be able one day as well. Maybe even without the playing computer games part. Well, one can always dream. Good luck mate, you can do this
  11. Hey good luck with your assigments! I am also trying to get to do daily exercise and recommend getting to stretch daily first before fully start working out, so your body does get used to movement (I do 10 minutes yoga stretch in the morning and 10 minute wrist stretch in the evening every day). Also stretch routines can be done even when feeling sick or tired, which helped me stay in movement last couple days after catching cold, so exercise was out of question. Although to be honest I am still learning how to exercise properly, so if you have any tips or maybe bad experience with this kind of stretching, I am all ears. All the best.
  12. Day 20 "Stupid fool" - Nekomaru Nidai I am angry at myself. a) I am going to sleep late 3rd day in a row. This time with addition of waking up early tomorrow. b) I am still sick, cant care about my health and I will probably miss tomorrows program cause thats the only way to get at least some rest. c) Just generally for continuing this stupid existence (might be a bit excessive, as I tend to exagerrate my emotions... it feels real right now tho) Its not like today wasnt productive. Its just my thought processes feel like a total mess. Future feels like a spooky tunnel. Past feels like a lot of work done for nothing and lot of poop done for... i dont even know what for. Probably for more nothing. I am not breaking the detox. I cant. But got heckin dammit, can I just calm down somehow. Why today was great: - board game session - one service got cancelled so i got to just lie down and listen to podcast for good hour and a half. (Still feels like i would need 3-12 more) - wrist stretch felt less painful - Nice talk with uncle Notable points: - Imagine being able to think straight enough to note anything. Good luck mate, you can do this (...........)
  13. Day 19 of detox "Stop struggling!" - Maya Ikar - one of my main motivations for maintaining my life is to be able to not live there. Its strange, the place is welcoming and so are the parents and there is also a cat, that is like my 3rd sibling. Still the drain happens so fast and out of nowhere. Also 2 and a half years is a big number, i didnt even realize. Great job man. Still sick and still staying awake too long. Not to game or anything, I just preplanned stuff and now I am kinda overwhelmed. I love it from one side, forgot to preplan free days one the other... might decline saturday plans (spiritual silent walk that i actually look forward to) to chill at home for a bit and finish healing myself. Throat got well, the body still needs to clean itself tho. I am trying to maintain some kind of physical activity (today it was morning and evening stretch and my work involves a lot of walking), am bad at estimating time to stop myself and rest tho. I am in full speed and want activities, if I dont have any, I get cravings (and the voices saying "its okay, go rest and play" are still iritating). Funny thing is I actually found some activities I can rest with, I just forgot to leave time to those. Well, next week is a week as well and I shall be smarter Why today was great: - had a guitar session - got motivated to do them hikings, I miss guitar around campfire - lunch was great - girl helped me with making schedule and she is actively supportive today - talked with up until today unknown female classmate (...and I already have our future planned. I dont understand this.) - morning stretch completely released my full nose. For sure best feeling of the day Notable points: - my head got dizzy when returning home in the evening, so I focused myself on memes. First time voluntarily from start of the detox. It helped me, but i still feel bad about it. - I keep doing my morning and evening routine no matter my mindset. It is super helpful to not have to wonder how to start/end a day and have it kinda automatic. Good luck mate, you can do this
  14. Day 18 of detox "The world is smaller than you think" - Zote (Percept no. 46) Uhh, this was a hectic day. Its already way past my usual bedtime, although not a spot of today was wasted. I argued a little with my girl, eventually settled it, it was my tension bursting a bit and I finally got to name that feeling. She accepted it, although not really well... I hope it will not make our relationship worse. Swimming went surprisingly well, i got to know couple guys there and classically felt stupid around girls... How do you even make normal contact with those. I feel like everytime I try to talk its automatically flirting. Why today was great: - Went running for the first time in foreever - Went swingdancing and randomly met a friend i didnt see for a couple years there - The relationship tension has been lifted... for now - Saw a cute bunny Notable points: - I am super grateful we have something like park to go running to nearby our flat. I like evening city walks, but not city running. - I actually used argument "just go game to show her how she hurt you" on myself during argument with girl and it actually scared me. Like holy s***, how far does it want to go. I shut those voices up, but... uh, probably better to not think about it. Good luck mate, you can do this
  15. Well hello there. You got me worried a little seeing you not post, glad you are back. IT security is another of my little goals that was buried by gaming in the past, but definitely an interesting subject, hope it helps you overcome the cravings. May the force be with you too.
  16. Day 17 of detox "I feel icky!" - Lepper gnome Okay, I am so tired. Just a quick summary - throat is still sore, but it was bearable today, so i not only left for work, but also managed to do evening workout. Am scared of school swimming tomorrow. lot of unknown people and I still cant breathe that well. I think I also found bearable solution for now for the time windows, named ted talks... they have such various time lengths, I can just squeeze one anywhere. Cravings were strong towards morning, weakened throughout the day. Am also almost done with scheduling, but energy management is stil a problem. Why today was great: - Heavenly lunch - I got a decent amount of work done over not feeling so well Notable points: - Cant. think. too. tired. Good luck mate, you can do this
  17. Happy St. Wenceslas day! Glad you had a good one. And I will keep my fingers crossed for you regarding your date.
  18. Now this title sound like a good sequel to an already amazing story. Good luck with your challenge!
  19. Day 16 of detox: "Your tardiness is unacceptable" - Kiyotaka Ishimaru I woke up with a sore throat, so i gave note to work if i could get replaced on my services today. Luckily it went all fine, unluckily, thats when the cravings kicked in. Having unexpected free time is like a fuel in the fire and it took me a good hour to get back on track of what i actually wanted to do today. I just slowed it down so my throat does not get worse. Craving were all over the place. A couple times I had blank 5-20 minutes while waiting on something, I didnt want to start any activity as it would get distracted by whatever i needed to do and i also didnt want mindlessly scroll memes or facebook... I will have to think of something, cause it was messing with my discipline today. Nevertheless, I focused on being as productive as i could, still I feel like I did very little. Well, small steps to victory I guess. Also need to work on my energy management somehow. Why today was great: - Played quitar for a bit - My schedule plans are halfway done (Am doing handmade version, i dislike calendar and excel sheet schedules) - Managed to care about my absence at work (and to care about myself by asking for absence) - Experimented in the kitchen in the evening (and it didnt even blow up, heck yea) - Did some morning stretch (full body) and evening stretch (wrists) Notable points: - I can feel a bit of tension with my girl. Might talk with her about it if it preserves - Feeling super tired (but it also feels good) - I find company enjoyable even if I do something alone (and dont need to fully focus). Thoughts are more relaxed and open. Good luck mate, you can do this
  20. Day 15 of detox: "If it was easy, everyone would do it" - Li-ming White Draco Edge - yeah, being the validation sucks. Luckily I do not have to care about my parents that much. I mean, I still love them, that is why I keep them at the distance right now. I actually have my dreams hung on wall above my workplace, so directly above computer (or more like reasons I am quitting rn, they are not really sky-high). It helps me concentrate on not playing, thats for sure. Hang in there as well. This day was like being in the stormy sea - on the edge of euphoria before noon, exhausted and strong cravings towards the evening and now I am closing on the euphoria again (still tired tho)... This day had 2 main activities - board games at my place and fixing my schedule. I thought fixing my schedule would be the hard part, opposite was the truth - I probably overdid the amount of board gaming this week. Its nice to see the people, but I probably should have stayed alone or at least not learn new games. I did not rest as well as I wanted to and being exhausted and having cravings at the same time is just not cool... Ironically the thing that helped me was excersise. I bet the rest of my evening on wildcard of me needing to move, so I found 30 minutes long full body workout (my favourite excersise youtube channel - yoga with Kassandra) and it was painful, but also fulfilling. Rest of the evening went well, my schedule is starting to look managable finally. Why today was great: - Made a great lunch - Was running around stationery shops (i hope thats what they are called in english). I love these kind of shops. - I managed to hold board games even over being tired and decently enjoyed it - Had fun with colours and scissors - speaking of colours, hey, they are here as well Notable points: - the workout app needs to wait for a bit, I really enjoyed the full-body thing and probably will do it more often. Will keep the app for the case some part of the body will need extra treatment - My hydratation regime is getting much better, I can sleep almost all night without waking up thirsty - grateful for it - Dreams are still weird. Didnt start writing them down yet, might try to implement it as a part of my morning routine. Good luck mate, you can do this
  21. Day 14 of detox: "Hell, it's about damn time" - Tychus Okay, one more saturday like this and I am officially declaring war to those. Good thing i have a break tomorrow. Whole day at work I was exhausted and cravings just kept getting stronger. I had very late lunch combined with dinner, overall i don't think i ate or drank very well. It all peaked during the evening where my head was just filled with those little fairy voices saying "Hey, listen! Go play! You need it! You deserve it!" Well yeah, I also deserve some good damn silence, why don't you just shut up. Sigh. I indulged myself with some chess with friend, actually got somewhat into it and managed to relax. It continued into a discussion that got out of hand a little, but at least awakened some feelings that actually told me that It is okay to feel tired, for the first time today. Heck. I need some good sleep (which probably means rip sleep). Why today was great: - Work was fun, even though it was exhausting - There was a hot soup made by girlfriend waiting for me in the evening - Cuddly cat at the clients place - One of the chess matches was actually pretty hillarious Notable points: - workout starts tomorrow. I should not be THIS exhausted from work, need to work on my physique. - will try to practice awareness to my surroundings during evening walks - I should watch my feelings more. My head is not only a little overworked, but also a little confused. Okay, its probably more than little. Good luck mate, you can do this
  22. Oh wow. Thats a share. I cannot stress how much do i value you sharing this with us. This post brought a lot of memories. The ones where i banged my head against the wall saying i will never play again, until another evening and another game night. And I cannot stress how glad do I hear that you are getting better relationships with games - that is mainly better relationship with yourself! And for me it was also a start that ultimately led to having relationship with games good enough that i could just say bye mate, see you in 90 days, or maybe forever. Its not because I hate my life or hate games, they just take way too much value and I need to shift it towards work, school or my girl. But number one valuable thing in your life will always be you and nobody can tell you otherwise. One thing from my personal experience from therapy - this could lead to selfishness, if you become your only value. It happened to me and I lost a lot of good friends because of that. Also I would recommend having your journal in one post only and just reacting to it, it will make it easier to go back to it and not scrambling for your posts in the whole section (for us as well). Welcome to the community mate.
  23. Day 13 of detox: "Time to clean up" - Noelle Thank you for your birthday wishes good people! @White Draco Edge as for your question, i didnt literally show them the journal, I just talked about it and asked them if they want a link to see it. I personally have difficult relationship with my parents... i am kind of hooked on making them proud of me (which possibly come from being overlooked during childhood) and it went as usual... they showed some interest, but it faded away quickly. I doubt they will look it up. My siblings on the other hand showed more interest, so maybe at least they will see it. If yes, hi there! I think my parents accepted my journey but not really became part of it, as for i feel like they are too interested in their own. Its sad, but luckily I have more people to share it with. Maybe it will change in the future. This day started with a pretty interesting therapy session. Therapist offered me some trauma-soothing methods that can be applied to addictions as well, so we will be doing that next session. Also she motivated me to do some modern self defence and helped me with my dreams and scheduling problem... But she was happy the most about me having a gaming break (didnt tell her up until now). After that until the evening it was a standard workday joined with some housework, cause I randomly decided to hold board game evening at my place and it went pretty well. There was a call for another one on sunday, so I will be looking forward to that. Day ended with a quick hop to a shop to get meat for the soup I want to make tomorrow before work. Why today was great: - Grateful for my therapist (She actually admitted to planning the journey leading to me quitting games. Like, I even shouted at her and she didnt budge.) - Home-made lunch mentality is settling in - Cuddly doggo in office - I got to organize something and it went well! - I have a better idea about my overall scheduling. Its not in motion yet, but we are getting there Notable points: - we were talking with my friend about gaming for a bit and he actually mentioned in a little sad way that after 90 days I could not join games anymore. Also he was open to just not talk about it if its unconfortable for me. Seriously, how do i deserve this kind of people. - Might start writing down my dreams. It sounds like they actually do have meaning - Didnt do any workout yet, no time. Heck, starting is actually hard. Good luck mate, you can do this
  24. Day 12 of detox: "Fight time!" - Brightwing One of the tougher days. Did not sleep well and dreams were very lively, so I woke up exhausted. Luckily my daily morning routine - wake up, shower, get some food, drink - worked and got me out of the flat. I had early shift today, was a bit scared how i would do, but work somehow cheered me up so I quickly got back in good mood that remained for the rest of the day. Cravings showed themselves though. In the morning, tried to make me stop going to work. After school (I had one lesson today), because thats when i always game. In the evening after I returned from family party, cause I was tired again. Gotta keep myself occupied. It always works. Right now after cleaning some kitchen and spending some time with my girl, cravings are nowhere to be seen again. Grateful for it and getting ready for kitchen no.2 as well as evening walk and sleep. Why today was great: - Happy birthday to me! (and hey, the family party was for me as well.) - Got courage to talk to unknown fellow student in class - Installed a recommended workout app, ready to start tomorrow with some basics - Cuddly doggo in the office - Shared the details of my journey with closest family Notable points: - Why is a woman that I was in love 10 years ago suddenly appearing in my dreams and making me emotional? - I am reflecting on myself and selfishness... will take it to therapy tomorrow, because it makes too much sense and is scary Good luck mate, you can do this