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Ikar's Diary


Ikar
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What is it that breaks your plan about what you wanted to do?

 

With me, i get that feeling of “its too boring to do the same thing every day” but then I remember that iterating an activity helps to make it more fun. This is what video game companies do to sell same games.

My current job has zero client contact. Its all administrative tasks which can get boring, but I noticed people joke with each other to keep it interesting.

Also the “how can I get the same tasks done with less stress” can do wonders for me.

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On 10/5/2021 at 6:30 PM, Amphibian220 said:

What is it that breaks your plan about what you wanted to do?

Hypothetically? It depends what kind of area of life we're talking about. I'm quite an orderly and organized person, but I think I am also creative enough to fill in any few remaining gaps I might have in my schedule. If I find out my lesson got canceled, I might go to the gym, write a message to a friend, clean the room or do something else that is useful. I honestly don't mind doing the same things every day.

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Day 894:

I had English classes and wrote friends in the evening.

Day 895:

I worked on a school project, met up with my geography group, watched a few YT videos about the great series "The Wire" and watched "The Gentlemen" in the evening.

Day 896:

I did the laundry, read a bit about Russian history/politics, did the salary paperwork, washed the dishes, watched Kurzgesagt, visited my family, worked out at the gym, read the instruction manual for my car and wrote friends.

Day 897:

I had English classes, uni classes and went to the cinema to see the new James Bond movie.

Day 898:

I had English classes, went to the gym, had uni classes and had a social evening.

Day 899:

I had English classes, cleaned my room, went to the uni for one meeting, biked a bit and got through the emails.

---

My back hurts and I don't like the fact. I'm fairly static for a lot of the time due to the online classes/uni classes I have, even though I have in-person classes and I hit the gym often. I'm gonna monitor that, so I don't feel miserable because of it.

My mom's situation is that she's on disability pension due to her mental problems for the next three years. I'm gonna talk to her more to find out the specifics of her condition, so I can understand her better.

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  I'm using the template I used the last time. 10/09/21 - 14/10/21


"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term.

I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period.


---


Active writing (blog/writings/journal):

L: I wrote here, though I didn't work on my blog post. I have been encouraged by multiple to write more though and I do like the way I put sentences together, either in text or in speech - it is an art!

T: I've been writing to one friend, exchanging a lot of ideas together, however I don't think there's any novel thought in that I could extrapolate from and write here. No progress on my blog.

Future goals/direction:

Finish Past Authoring and the whole course.

Write on my blog.

Keep writing in my diary here twice a week.

Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book.

 

Books/Reading articles:

L: I read "The Little Book of Common Sense Investing" by Bogle (personal finance) and caught up on newsletters too.

T: I read a part of Solzhenitsyn's "Gulag Archipelago" I wanted to read for a while. Other than that, just the newsletters.

Future goals/direction:

Continue getting through the newsletters.

 

Family:

L: My mom's been on a long-term sick leave for almost a year now. She's gonna be in the hospital for the next three weeks to see if she improves there. Tomorrow, I am meeting my father for lunch and with my brother for sushi dinner. I'm happy they are both willing to help me when I need their help and in turn they can count on me.

T: I've noticed that my mom is making effort to get closer to me, however I feel fairly indifferent towards her. I am not sure whether I feel that way because my brother and I learnt as kids to get by without her support to a large extent or whether it's just too early for me to buy into that she's making a turn to become more family-oriented, but I just don't seem to care so far. 

Future goals/direction:

Continue working on bettering the relationships with my family.

 

University:

L: The university should start in a week. The dorm is getting busier, as some foreign exchange and even home students have already arrived.

T: The uni situation is a lot more interesting now! More things to do, assignments to finish... Some of the classes are fairly interesting and entertaining, the other ones are the same tedium as they've always been.

Future goals/direction:

Find more sources for my upcoming masters' thesis.

Work on the assignments in a timely manner.

 

Exercise/movement:

L: The gym was closed since the end of July until this Monday, meaning I only made it there today. I went to the jiu-jitsu classes in August, but I can't make it work with my work schedule too well. I walked quite a lot - the city center is about two kilometers and I am there every other day. I have been thinking about picking up evening Krav Maga courses to have more regular martial art exercise.

T: I usually make it to gym at least twice a week, on top of cycling a bit if I have in-person classes and the odd walk if I have more free time. I still feel the back from time to time from sitting too much due to work though.

Future goals/direction:

Martial art research.

Keep in shape.

 

English:

L: I'm positive I'm gonna be able to have above 25 hours of classes every week, that is if they do not collide with my university duties. I sent out the mails and the past two weeks have been fairly hectic in communication.

T: I am currently working with 20-25 hours of English per week and I'm not interested in taking up more courses, because I wouldn't have the time for them anyway. I'm also meeting my English teacher/friend every Tuesday in the class, so it's perfect to have the inspiration at hand.

Future goals/direction:

Look into strategies in becoming truly self-employed by skipping the agencies in between.

I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.

I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.

 

Women/dating:

L:

Spoiler

I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.

I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.

I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.

In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.

As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.

That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head. (December)

I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far. (January/February)

I've spent about two months with the Spanish girl and this morning she left home for three weeks, after which she should come back. I feel that she's into me, that she cares about me and that she doesn't want to lose me (be it to another relationship or due to some quarrel between us, though I find the latter less likely), though at the same time I feel we both want to assert ourselves to leave other options available. In my case to find someone more "permanent" to date/be together with, because I know she'll be gone in the summer. In her case it's different relationship philosophy and uniqueness of every relationship.

To explain that further, she actually encouraged me to meet other girls to see what might come out of it, which is generally something I am not 100% confident at and could use some practice in. Regardless, despite our differences, I feel that we're willing to respect each other and not argue about them. (March)

We had a few talks together with the Spanish girl and decided we wouldn't carry on with the sexual element in our relationship. It was the first time for her trying to amalgamate sexual and affectionate relationship into one and the second time for me. I decided to take her for her word and not to push her into something she doesn't want or isn't sure about. I sensed/noticed that it's not the first time she's having difficulty in continuing the relationship in the current setting. I think that a part of good relationship is the ability to respect "no" as a "no" and it's definitely one of the things I want in all my relationships that go deeper.

I'm actually somewhat surprised by how romantic the relationship has come to be. I think we are both considerate of each other and already value each other to go through this in an abrupt or otherwise bad way. I feel a sense of loss in a way, but I think various factors chimed in to dampen it. Besides, I have learnt a lot about various sexual topics and I grew more confident in this regard. It's very liberating to be playful and inventive too!

This one is actually only a few days old, but I do feel attracted to one girl and I want to have sex with her, although I don't think something long-term could come out of it due to the factual differences that we have. Hooray for being human! (April)

We've been flirting and dancing around around with the girl from April. I told her we're gonna do something together after I am done with the finals and I want to keep that promise. I'm not 100% sure if it's the right move, but I'm gonna take the opportunity regardless. (May)

There are some situations with the girl where we do get close, although from some situations I also understand that I don't want to be too closely involved with her and neither does she. Though I like her physically and I think she's aiming at good things in life, I feel she constantly needs to put herself in messy/highly emotional situations and states. I can joke about it and laugh it off with her as her friend, but it'd be very different if I decided to be a more unpredictable variable in her life.

That doesn't mean random and unpredictable sex can't happen. The last week I had sex with a friend from the dorms I've known for over a year. We were both tipsy, though I think we were both surprised how that evening ended up happening.

I've been having thoughts about the time with the Spanish girl, meaning there could still be something I need to decode. I didn't talk to her before she left to Spain about a month ago and nor I gave her the letter I wrote and planned to give her. Regardless, I've thought about the topic myself. I found that the main idea is to take it as it is, regardless of what the reasons of her sudden April "cut" were. I also believe that sometimes the more loving and more courageous decision is to walk away to prevent more hurt and pain, whether due to toxicity (my X) or time constraints (Spanish girl?). One of the things that "got" me closer together to her was the care. She really did care for me as my mom or grandma would, which I noticed when she was adamant about the fact I needed to see the doctor. The fact that we could also agree to disagree was amazing as well. Lastly, she did catalyze more effort from my side to get to know my family better and closer.

Talking to one of my friends, she said the average masturbation for her is better than the average sex. I found that quite surprising, as I've never thought that would be the case for anyone.

To end on a good note, I met an interesting girl yesterday in the evening and wrote her on Messenger today. I really should meet even more new people. We'll see what comes out of this. (June/July)

I noticed that I am thinking more outside of my head about this topic and around friends which is good. (August/September)

T: I'm fairly positive I am making progress in this area. It's really only about having the guts to say hi and then making the ask to meet. It needs to become the routine, if I want to have some control over this aspect of my life. The end-result doesn't actually matter. And I'm aware I will make mistakes, get myself in stupid situations, get used and whatnot, but it's all in the game. I'm fairly adamant and determined in this. I've done a lot of scouting recently, so I got some "hard data" on a few girls I was interested in.

Future goals/direction:

Set up at least two dates a month.

 

 

Men:

T: I got rid of the "Social" part of the report and rather added this section on how I relate to men. This is likely to take more time and introspection however.

A few guys and I formed a gym group, for which I am fairly happy and they're a good bunch to talk to, joke around and hang out with.

Future goals/direction:

-

 

-----

 

Additional thoughts:

-

 

-----

 

SECTION REMOVED - to make the report less cluttered and easier to read.

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Hope your mother gets better,

Is swimming part of your fitness routine? I found from a range of articles that a well thought out swimming therapy can help with most back problems.

I want to start swimming, but am worried about swimming in a public swimming pool due to the Covid endemic.

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21 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Hope your mother gets better,

Thanks.

21 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

Is swimming part of your fitness routine? I found from a range of articles that a well thought out swimming therapy can help with most back problems.

I want to start swimming, but am worried about swimming in a public swimming pool due to the Covid endemic.

The swimming pool is not too far from where I live and I've gone swimming before from time to time on my own, but at this point it's easier for me to jump into the gym without any travel time than to go through the hassle of walking/driving/cycling to the swimming pool and making my schedule to work with it. I'm gonna go for a walk/workout today, I went to the gym on Thursday but only for a while.

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Day 900:

I had English classes, went to the gym, went for a walk, went to an art exhibit where my mom had her paintings and attended the English event in the evening for a while.

Day 901:

I had English classes, went to my car mechanic, worked on a school project and went out with a girl I've met recently.

Day 902:

I cleaned my room, washed the dishes, visited my family and met up with my high-school classmates in the evening.

Day 903:

I had a solo English class, worked on my monthly report, worked out at the gym and played billiard in the evening.

Day 904:

I had English classes, had uni classes, read something about WWII, had a social evening and did some uni reading before sleep.

Day 905:

I had English classes, uni classes and a social evening.

Day 906:

I had English classes, watched a talk by Milton Friedman and wrote here/worked on my monthly report.

Day 907:

I had English classes, collected wood for a BBQ, finished my monthly report, watched a talk by Thomas Sowell and had a social evening.

Day 908:

I had English classes and went to the BBQ.

Day 909:

Today - TBA.

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9 hours ago, Mohammad said:

Wow, you’ve been game free for 909 days! 
how did you make this work?
I’ve tried for two years but it failed hard. Please give me some advice.

Thanks

There have been times where I played less and when I was disgusted by gaming and where I felt it's not sustainable and was on and off about gaming. However it's not documented here, because I just haven't relapsed since I started writing the diary here.

I honestly feel like my life got a lot better since I stopped gaming and I live by that. I really got 8 hours of free time back on weekdays and 14 hours of free time on weekends. I tried to cut an hour or two from gaming before to study, exercise, do whatever, but it hasn't worked for me and I had to stop completely.

There are days where I feel like doing nothing or when I have too much free time, but then I just decide to sleep, go for a walk, have a shower, watch some lecture on YT or do some household chores. I've honestly never felt stressed out by life's events to get me back to gaming and I don't feel a pull to make it a hobby.

I also thought gaming was really the thing that kept me from more valuable things - success at work, at the university, in relationships. I actually broke up with my X a month before I quit gaming. I thought very heavily about that. I felt like I had nothing but gaming when I quit gaming. It's like when people quit smoking, because they got a heart attack, but they wouldn't do that before it happened.

I think that if you can half-ass gaming while still having decently healthy relationships/work/hobbies, then you are going to do that. Can you get your family/friends to support you with their care and maybe create some rewards for you if you stay away from gaming?

 

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15 hours ago, Ikar said:

There have been times where I played less and when I was disgusted by gaming and where I felt it's not sustainable and was on and off about gaming. However it's not documented here, because I just haven't relapsed since I started writing the diary here.

I honestly feel like my life got a lot better since I stopped gaming and I live by that. I really got 8 hours of free time back on weekdays and 14 hours of free time on weekends. I tried to cut an hour or two from gaming before to study, exercise, do whatever, but it hasn't worked for me and I had to stop completely.

There are days where I feel like doing nothing or when I have too much free time, but then I just decide to sleep, go for a walk, have a shower, watch some lecture on YT or do some household chores. I've honestly never felt stressed out by life's events to get me back to gaming and I don't feel a pull to make it a hobby.

I also thought gaming was really the thing that kept me from more valuable things - success at work, at the university, in relationships. I actually broke up with my X a month before I quit gaming. I thought very heavily about that. I felt like I had nothing but gaming when I quit gaming. It's like when people quit smoking, because they got a heart attack, but they wouldn't do that before it happened.

I think that if you can half-ass gaming while still having decently healthy relationships/work/hobbies, then you are going to do that. Can you get your family/friends to support you with their care and maybe create some rewards for you if you stay away from gaming?

 

Thanks for all this.

Not really, I don’t have any help. Have to do it on my own. I surely cannot have a healthy lifestyle while gaming. I know I should stop it at all cost. Gaming is just a waste of time; this bothers me a lot. I may enjoy gaming at the moment, but have to live with depression if I game.
I want to make good use of my time so I feel proud of myself. That’s what makes me happy in life. Creating some kind of meaning in life rather than pointless gaming!

I’ll continue doing my diaries here; hopefully, I’ll get over it this time.

 

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Day 909:

I prepared for my English classes, had a light workout, had a nap, worked on uni assignments, watched a few videos about nuclear energy and environmental sustainability, wrote here and went for a drink and a dance in the evening.

Day 910:

I worked on uni assignments, visited my family and worked out in the evening.

Day 911:

I had uni classes and English classes and a social evening.

Day 912:

I worked out, uni classes, English classes, watched a talk with Sowell about the philosophy of economics, washed the dishes and had a social evening.

Day 913:

I had English classes, went for a walk, did some shopping and had sushi with my brother.

Day 914:

I had English classes, watched another talk with Sowell, inflated my bike and went to an English speaking event in the evening.

Day 915:

Today - TBA.

---

I'm in favor of nuclear energy, because it produces only a handful of waste that has to be safely stored. Compared to coal plants that just put the pollution into the air and take a heavy toll in strokes, respiratory illnesses and other diseases. Even the most advanced countries in the world are not able to go full renewable at this point and some are even closing down nuclear reactors to replace them with coal plants (Germany). Insanity.

I'm gonna get a passport. If I had a passport, I could've gone to an EU paid trip to Turkey on Sunday for a week with focus on online English teaching. I got to know that yesterday evening. Crazy.

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On 10/13/2021 at 7:11 PM, Ikar said:

1)

I do not think success itself is the driver most people follow. I think most people want to avoid feeling bad, so they are loss-averse by nature. I don't think I've ever met anyone who likes to lose, make mistakes etc. I think what happens with us in games overall is this: There is a way to eliminate failure. Some games allow for that, others do not.

I can't possibly "permanently lose" e.g. a Pokémon Crystal game - if I get beat, I lose some money, but my Pokémons are still the same, nobody takes them away from me and I can always go back to the start and beat level 2 Caterpies and ask for pocket money from your in-game mom.

It was more difficult with games like XCOM or FTL, because there was a chance I just lost no matter what I did and because they are RNG games to a great degree, but most of the time my decisions mattered and I could influence the fate of the game-play. The same goes towards online games like HS too - sometimes my opponent got the perfect cards and I lost.

And all of the above, I can track pretty well, either through in-game statistics or through spreadsheets, the options are endless. The idea that games provide "constant measurable progress" is in some of Cam's GQ videos. Mind you that too much success (and no challenge) leads to complacency, rigidity and ultimately downfall. There's no growth without pressure. The issue with real life is that it can't be put into numbers very easily.

 

2)

To put a real example here, I'm currently making an effort to find dates and a girlfriend. I met a girl last Monday, had a good chat with her for a while, wrote her to meet up and she agreed. Five minutes into the second meeting, I found out she had a boyfriend, yet I didn't just turn around on my heel, as I promised her a walk around the city she doesn't know. I spent some two hours with her, had a good conversation with her, found out she's a good speaker and discussed some views on philosophy and politics.

The advice I could take from this regarding my dating life: Be more aware of social situations when I am first interacting with a girl I like and be better at scouting to find out whether she's already seriously dating someone or not. Then again, I got something I wasn't expecting but is valuable as well: thinking about reconsidering some of my life views through a good debate.

All in all, it's impossible to answer the question: Was it a success or a failure? Well, It depends on how I choose to look at it.

It's an interesting concept to cross-quote myself from a different topic. Some ideas:

A thought based on 1): Nobody really cares how many times I lose before I win. Except for me.

2) is a reminder for me to think about this text the next time I'm doing a monthly report.

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Day 916:

I had English classes, researched the Erasmus+ project, rode the bike a bit, wrote my friends, washed the laundry and watched "Lord of War".

Day 917:

I read some uni papers, worked on a uni project, did a bit of chess, watched some videos about WWII, washed the dishes, read a bit about personal finance, read some of my old texts/notes and started watching "The Wire".

---

This is a rare post, as I stumbled upon here after a slow, yet restorative day. I am somewhat physically limited at the moment, as I can feel some pain in my throat, so I didn't even go outside, to the gym or to plant trees at an uni event (which was the original plan for today) and stayed put the whole day.

Having this unusually slow day, I decided I'd look after my shelved texts, hobbies and projects which sparked some ideas in my head and was fun as well. I ordered a book I had a good laugh reading over five years ago. I re-watched a video about the relationship money and time have in our lives. I also realized that I have a lot of work to do with my English-teaching business, university, family, dating... but today, I decided to relax, to appreciate the progress and to be grateful for all the progress I've made.

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