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Ikar

Ikar's Diary

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6 hours ago, Ikar said:

I also fully realized my breakup made my rule of thumb towards women to "be responsible" rather than "be nice". "Niceness over everything" basically nailed the last relationship I had. Responsibility is also easier to act out and clearer cut.

Balance. My experience is that everyone likes nice people, but that definitely there is being too nice. As such, be nice to yourself before you can be nice to someone else. Learn to say no, and to draw a line. But be reasonable. When you are nice to other people, it increases their chance of them being nice to you in return. And we are in dire need of niceness in the world today. Children look up to nice people, seniors usually are thankful for nice people. And if niceness cannot accomplish something, aggressiveness probably won't either.

Stay sharp, stay strong.

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5 hours ago, Ambassador said:

Balance. My experience is that everyone likes nice people, but that definitely there is being too nice. As such, be nice to yourself before you can be nice to someone else. Learn to say no, and to draw a line. But be reasonable. When you are nice to other people, it increases their chance of them being nice to you in return. And we are in dire need of niceness in the world today. Children look up to nice people, seniors usually are thankful for nice people. And if niceness cannot accomplish something, aggressiveness probably won't either.

Stay sharp, stay strong.

I agree, I am just making the case when these two clash together in some occasion to determine which one should take precedence. I didn't mean it in the way I'd go around people on the street, telling them they are fat or something. It was definitely the case I was nicer to my ex than myself though.

If anything, I think the "lack of niceness" stems from the lack of truthful interaction inside individuals. To put it simply, someone has problems they can't solve and take it out on you, because they are angry of their own inadequacy or whatever bad thing they happened to encounter. That's dismal.

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Day 45:

I watched Maps of Meaning ep. 7 in the morning and took some notes. After that I studied a bit, got Russian Duolingo done and had lunch.

After lunch, I contemplated what I need to do to prepare for my Iceland trip as best as I can. I have three weeks and I think I can handle all of that, so I can make it easy on myself. I read a bit of 12 Rules and went English teaching.

I've been reading a bit more in the evening, chatting with a friend and searching for some events in the city to attend in the next few weeks ahead.

7-9: video

9-11: drive mom

11-13: grandma

13-14: 12 Rules

14-16: exam studying, Duolingo

16-17: work out

17-18: flight ticket

18-19: 12 Rules

ideas for future: check your tabs

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Day 46:

In the morning, I drove mom and visited grandma. I read, did Russian on Duolingo, worked out and bought the flight ticket, so I'm in for the summer. I hope to have a blast an escape the emerging scorching summer that's starting here!

7-9: MoM ep. 8

9-13: drive mom, hoovering, shop

13-14: lunch

14-16: exam studying, Duolingo

16-18: tent search

18-19: 12 Rules

ideas for future: check your tabs

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Day 47:

The first part of the day got nailed by helping my mom with hoovering the whole apartment. I got Russian and 12 Rules done, but I didn't really bring myself down to search for the tent and studying for the exam.

Regardless of that, I am fond of my Iceland trip, some steady progress on it and I think it's more important for me than I think. I'll consider journaling earlier in the day, just because I think I might have more to write when I'm in sharper mode.

7-9: MoM ep. 8

9-15: mom, grandma, hoovering, shop, lunch

15-16: Duolingo

16-17: exam studying

17-18: 12 Rules

18-19: free

19-20: work out

ideas for future: check your tabs

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Day 48:

Everything turned out alright/as planned today, except that I am studying as I write this, but it's a minor hiccup. I got a few "kicks" today that everything is going actually pretty good. I've called a friend and we're gonna meet during tomorrow or on Sunday. Been writing with another friend a ton too about psychology, exes and all that stuff.

8-9: exam studying

9-12: MoM ep. 9

12-13: lunch

13-14: clean room

14-15: exam studying

15-16: Duolingo

16-??: friend meetup

ideas for future: check your tabs/bookmarks

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Day 48:

Everything went alright today, I guess a bit less on the studying side, however I want to get through it thoroughly tomorrow for Monday. I got an additional Scrabble in. In the evening, I met up with a friend and we checked out the "museums' night" event. Good day!

8-9: exam studying

9-10: duolingo

10-11: exam studying

11-12: 12 Rules

12-13: lunch

13-15: family/Scrabble

15-16: exam studying

16-17: Duolingo

17-18: exam studying

18-19: work out

19-20: Simpsons

ideas for future: check your tabs/bookmarks

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This is gonna be the odd post where I am actually not tired enough to just spew out a few words and shortly evaluate my day.

First off, I'll do weekly planning from tomorrow on. The night-tired-me isn't generally in the state of mind to do plan anything too challenging, let alone to do it, so even the not-so-big things get put off, because of the state of mind and they start piling up over time.

Secondly, I think I'm still not very good at doing things I'm not overly excited about doing and rather do those I'm more excited about doing. This week, I'd actually narrow it down to studying for the exam, as I honestly spent about 30% of the time I had planned for it in my schedules.

I had used my Fridays on the university sort of as a "sanctuary" to shield me from the normal day of gaming/Twitch. I knew it facilitated some interesting insights, as my field of study (economic geography and related subjects) isn't by any means absolute and it slowly changes. I knew even back then that change and at least acceptance of the present moment, or better yet, some effort to make present moment better, was something I found worthwhile. I think I robbed that privileged position from the university by basically admitting that I am educating constantly nowadays.

I think it's a reasonable fail-safe policy to persevere to get the degree, in case my primary English teaching idea (supplemented by a few others English-related activities) plummets and I'll be faced with the reality of a 9-to-5 in an office.

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As for the above, I do enjoy reading 12 Rules and working out, Duolingo Russian I've always been on and off in the past two years, but I roughly average an exercise per day (5 minutes) and I'm on a 23-day streak.  I think I'm still somewhat bad when rewarding myself for doing things I am not very inclined to do.

Day 49:

I got everything done, except I kinda wish I studied a bit more, I'm catching up on it now at least.

8-10: MoM ep. 10

10-12: week-planning (Excel)

12-13: lunch

13-14: 12 Rules

14-16: EXAM

16-19: swimming pool

19-20: paperwork

ideas for future: check your tabs/bookmarks

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Day 50:

I got up on time after about two weeks which is great! I skipped reading 12 Rules today and the paperwork, aside from that today went as planned. I met an acquaintance at the swimming pool as well! I feel thoroughly tired. From now on, I'll have my schedules in an Excel file. I'll get a lot of the one-time events out of the way tomorrow.

   
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Day 51:

Today I did groceries, paperwork, paid a bill, made sure I have some of the equipment ready for my Iceland trip, read 12 Rules and planned ahead a bit more.

It's been a pretty easy day and I thought the load on me would be higher, but I managed to do everything sooner than expected. I'm a bit confused about the fact, but it's no wonder, I know I should be bad at planning my time precisely when I just started to do so. I also officially finished my 1st year on the university with 100% of the subjects done, so hooray for me!

I also read the rule 6 in 12 Rules. It really is amazing what human beings were capable of achieving so far and what we will be able to do in the future. I think I might be scratching the surface of what it means to be really grateful for something.

In the English class, we discussed the necessity of responsibility, imagining what would we do if we had 10 million dollars. The students even brought some new insights into my mind! Nobody said that they would buy cocaine and OD on it, so I felt pretty happy about it, though one never knows until he has the money on the bank account!

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Day 52:

I didn't get as much sleep as I usually do. I felt anxious about my preparations for Iceland and there were also mosquitoes buzzing around, so I messed up my sleep by relapsing on my "porn".

In the morning, I had planned an early dentist appointment that was faster than expected. I spent rest of the morning napping, watching MoM ep. 11 (instead of writing in self-authoring and reading) and making preparations for English teaching, so I shifted my brain towards procrastinating on important things instead on focusing on very important things. I'll still take it as a win.

The afternoon went quite okay, I did my dad a favor and visited a shop he wanted some parts from. I visited my grandma afterwards and we discussed family, relationships and I explained her how and why so many things "clicked" in my head recently, especially following the breakup with my ex. I think she was happy with me basically becoming an adult. I went teaching afterwards and it was in the similar spirit as yesterday, so we had a good time again.

I helped my mom water the plants in the evening and discussed some relationship matters, I watched some Simpsons too.

Overall a pretty good day, despite how oddly it started!

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Day 53:

I got up well rested today. I did some of the self-authoring of my past, trying to get into the meditative mode, half-dreaming and half-conscious and I almost fell asleep during it, I still got something done. It's hard to put a time-frame on something creative. I also did some research on buying a tent and I plan to continue that tomorrow, so I can buy one to test it the next week for my big trip, as well as thinking about what will I need with me and perhaps what else to buy. I did Russian and read a few pages of 12 Rules. The whole day felt a bit diffused, as it was semi-planned, but I knew what I had to do and still got the work needed done. I didn't work out though, because my favorite spot was taken and I feel a pit peeved about not having too much movement today.

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Day 54:

I had a fairly diffused day today. I spent my morning primarily on reading articles. I also sent a letter and got through some GQ content. Afternoon I spent visiting a shop and my brother, having a good talk with him about relationships and psychology. I did Russian and played Scrabble with mom in the evening.

I'm also leaving for a weekend trip, so tomorrow I'll either miss the entry completely or just write it down for the count. It should be a blast!

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Day 55 & 56:

The trip was great, it was a English-experience course, where I knew no-one, besides the teacher (who is sort of my English teaching idol and I like his style). I got to talk to foreigners from Austria and Finland, visiting the city for Erasmus and some other people. I'm happy to say my English is either on par or better than theirs! I enjoyed my time there, even if it was for a day and a half.

I felt somewhat angry and contemplative when I came home to be in my old rut again, but I am happy about my Iceland trip, so I'll be independent again for some while and I'll surely enjoy it!

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17 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 55 & 56:

The trip was great, it was a English-experience course, where I knew no-one, besides the teacher (who is sort of my English teaching idol and I like his style). I got to talk to foreigners from Austria and Finland, visiting the city for Erasmus and some other people. I'm happy to say my English is either on par or better than theirs! I enjoyed my time there, even if it was for a day and a half.

I felt somewhat angry and contemplative when I came home to be in my old rut again, but I am happy about my Iceland trip, so I'll be independent again for some while and I'll surely enjoy it!

That trip sounded fun. I'm glad you were able to enjoy it. Hopefully it gives you motivation to keep changing some things, not everything, but some things in your life for the better. Where is your native country again?

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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

That trip sounded fun. I'm glad you were able to enjoy it. Hopefully it gives you motivation to keep changing some things, not everything, but some things in your life for the better. Where is your native country again?

It was great! It helps me keep the momentum going. I'm Czech.

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21 hours ago, Ikar said:

Day 55 & 56:

The trip was great, it was a English-experience course, where I knew no-one, besides the teacher (who is sort of my English teaching idol and I like his style). I got to talk to foreigners from Austria and Finland, visiting the city for Erasmus and some other people. I'm happy to say my English is either on par or better than theirs! I enjoyed my time there, even if it was for a day and a half.

I felt somewhat angry and contemplative when I came home to be in my old rut again, but I am happy about my Iceland trip, so I'll be independent again for some while and I'll surely enjoy it!

Your written English is very good man. I never got the impression you were less than fluent. Good to hear you had a good trip! Nearing two months clean, make sure you congratulate yourself for that properly. Keep it up dude!

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38 minutes ago, ElectroNugget said:

Your written English is very good man. I never got the impression you were less than fluent. Good to hear you had a good trip! Nearing two months clean, make sure you congratulate yourself for that properly. Keep it up dude!

Thanks! I'll do that by writing a summary of the past month again. I also need some outline for Iceland, so I am not totally lost when I land!

16 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Are you a hockey fan?

I watched the world championship recently quite a bit, but otherwise I don't seek hockey actively.

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Day 57:

In the morning, I made the selection for the tent, I'll pick it up tomorrow morning, along with some other small stuff. I'm writing an evaluation for my teacher friend about the experience during the weekend, as he wanted some feedback and I got my thoughts together. I did some research into spirituality and masculinity. I taught in the afternoon and had fun with it! Right now I am scanning for whatever I've left undone today and planning ahead for tomorrow.

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Day 58:

In the morning, I mowed the lawn, I also made a call to check up my car tomorrow. I did Duolingo and some heavy Iceland research overall throughout the day - jobs, clothes, gear insurance, basically everything. I decided to postpone going to the shop for the tent for that matter, so I can buy everything relevant there all at once.

I visited my grandma. For whatever reason, she and my mom seem quite hell-bent on me sending a letter to my ex, stating the fact I finished my first year on the university. She already mentioned it the last week, but I conjured up something better - sending her a letter from Iceland. There's a very personal element to doing that, as it was a decision/wow to my ex I made in November the last year. Back then, I wanted to get out of the country and she gave me the destination, so combined, it turned out perfect, even if she's not around.

There was a period when we communicated after we broke up, especially after I joined GQ. I was fairly direct about throwing "truth-bombs" my way as I came up with them, but once I got around what is needed to sort myself out, I realized what is needed for her to match my new standards. While I was serious and honest communicating my flaws, she wouldn't take kindly whatever her mistakes could've been in my estimations. Perhaps I sounded like a parent, a bit patronizing, but the saying "Takes one to know one." applies to narcissists 100%, since I never got a serious message back from her.

Since the "truth-bombs" already fell, I plan my letter to be kinder than whatever I sent before, as I want her genuine response. Perhaps some things clicked for her as they did for me. Realizing I was unconsciously malevolent towards her in the relationship in some very subtle ways was quite a discovery. Even I realized that there was a long way of struggles I had to go through before I found GQ and that it's those small steps forward that eventually got me here.

It'll be a test; she's either stuck in her own personal hell, that I got to know very well and that I can point my finger at and say "Hell is real.", or she's working towards becoming a better person. Either one is motivating for me. People are peculiar beings though and I believe everyone is digging their way to hell and building their staircase to heaven at the same time, it just depends on whichever way you work in faster.

I legitimately think my consciousness got upgraded to see that clearly, among other things. I'm more responsible; I work out, educate myself, plan the trip, help around the house more, connect to parents and friends better and plan my actions better. I wasn't able to do that with her around, so I doubt the fact I'd be secretly desperate to get her back.

I had fun English teaching today, playing some games with the students. I think I am striving towards "English - experienced" more than "English - taught" approach and I think that's good.

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Here's my monthly summary again.

Game Quitters - I'm trying to be a worthwhile member of the community.

physical development - I have some "extra" movement about 90% of all the days, which means I either cycle or go out with my basketball for about 30 minutes on a daily basis, so my endurance is definitely going up.

mental development idols - In the past month, I think I prioritized practical matters like university and Iceland preparation. I still read 12 Rules and listen mainly to Peterson, but not as much as before. Self-authoring is still something I'm working on every now and then, though I'd like to do more of it.

going out more/new people and screen time reduction - Taking on extra responsibilities definitely helps with the screen time reduction and there's always plenty to do and fix, if you look around enough. I think I meet quite a bit of people, the trouble is that I don't meet them on a daily or semi-daily basis to really establish some more meaningful connections faster. I feel fairly confident talking to people, I believe teaching helps with that.

uni - 100% done and continuing in about 3 months.

English teaching - I'm fairly confident in it, I think I can provide a reasonable performance and experience both at the same time and I think my students are enjoying that. It helps with socializing, discussing ideas and I even get paid for that. What a deal! I wrote that before, but it's still valid.

my business - This has to be tackled when I return, perhaps even more than the university. Searching for possible employers and students is crucial towards my growth.

Iceland - I might have a bit of a pickle here. I know a friend of mine went there Bear Grylls style (he had a tent and sought job on the spot) the last summer and everything worked out for him quite decently. I'll commit to doing that if absolutely necessary, though I'd prefer to have my comfort. I still have a bit more than a month to sort this out. It turns out that's exactly what it's gonna be, for the first few days anyway, because I got nowhere sending emails. I'm getting my gear together and if everything goes to hell job-wise, I'll just walk around there for a month, visit some sites and go home. Nobody can rob me of that, except if they took my tent away on the airport check-in, but I hope that won't happen!

family - I shared my story with my brother and he shared his with me about a week ago, it was a good talk. I feel like my parents got a bit more cheerful and less negative as well. My mom is definitely happier with my newfound sense of responsibility and I think my dad noticed I do more and talk less as well, which is exactly what he does when something needs to be done.

Russian - 32 days streak on Duolingo, just thought it'd be nice to share.

And last but not least:

dating - I don't think I've been on OKC seriously for over two weeks and I'm turning towards the fact it's not worth it, especially if they took away the direct messaging system and I've ran out of girls within reasonable distance. I think I used Tinder for 6 months and OKC for 3 months before I met my ex. I think I'm better off picking up some hobby and meeting someone there, so I need to conjure up some social hobbies. As for my ex-girlfriend, I think I got the main points across and a plan on that yesterday. The truth is, our past united us in the past. Working towards being more desirable to women goes in the same direction as being desirable to her and that goes in the same direction to being desirable towards myself and I can never separate that from each other.

 

AFTER ICELAND - priorities:

hobbies: modeling (WWII stuff), paintball, geocache, drumming (yoga?)

Meditate

my business/English teaching

university

(whatever happens and springs to mind while there)

Edited by Ikar
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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

I do more and talk less as well

I like this quote a lot! You need to try swimming in the pool rather than rely on theory.

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