Ikar's Diary

[Ikar]

Day 29:

I undertook the heroic endeavor of putting my room into order, including wardrobes as well. I also got the good news of passing the Friday exam.

After lunch, I played Scrabble with mom. I went English teaching to a nearby village, so I could cycle several kilometers thanks to that. I also watched another amazing lecture by JP. I wish the message he gives in it would get through to everyone.

Spoiler

 

Tomorrow @Ikar: make a website!, prep ENG teaching, work out, to-do pile

[Ikar]

Alright, so that's a month done! I literally have no time to crave gaming. Drifting away from the abyss seems pretty great, truth to be told.

Day 30:

In the morning, I watched ep. 23 of the WWII documentary. I watched a debate between Peterson and de Sousa. I was actually a bit ridiculous to watch! After that, I made my webpage for English teaching; it's very basic and took me about an hour to setup, but it's alive and functional.

I felt a bit overloaded later on after lunch, so I took a break and watched some Simpsons. After that I prepared materials for English teaching. Discussing dating with three people twice my age was a bit funny, however it was the topic in the book! Going back and forth to the class, I cycled for about 30 minutes too.

In the evening, I mostly just slacked and scoped the dating site. I forgot about my Russian Duo, so I still have to finish that before I rest. Great day regardless!

Tomorrow: research Iceland (dorm, visa, flight, job), prep ENG teaching, twitch cash?, work out, groceries, exam prep Friday, self-authoring

Edited May 20, 2019 by Ikar

[Ikar]

Day 31:

Okay, today was a bit ridiculous. In a good way though!

I watched ep. 24 of the WWII documentary, did the groceries and Russian. After that, inspired by a forum-mite, I did some research on the whole "NoFap" thing.

I ended up "practicing releasing" for an hour. I also ended up with having abdominal ache for three hours after that. It was annoying enough I managed to just watch ep. 25 of the WWII documentary and prepared for my English teaching. Upon arrival to the English class, I got a word it got canceled, so I cycled back home.

In the end, I got all the small stuff done, but none of the long term. I felt a bit nervous about not doing anything for Iceland today, I'll strike back tomorrow with renewed vigor but I was thrown off rhythm both by my morning experiment and then by not teaching. I'll at least go sleep early today!

Tomorrow: research Iceland (dorm, visa, flight, job), prep ENG teaching, exam prep Friday

Edited May 21, 2019 by Ikar

[Ikar]

Since I am at a month, I'll try to depict some stuff in the evening that went well for me during the time, some extra thoughts and plans for the future. I'll try to spent at least an hour on that.

[Sapuverell]

3 hours ago, Ikar said:

Since I am at a month, I'll try to depict some stuff in the evening that went well for me during the time, some extra thoughts and plans for the future. I'll try to spent at least an hour on that.

Good stuff. I normally do this in bed when I cannot fall asleep. It really helps me to look forward and to calm down. I wouldn't set a timer on it, because there is not always the same amount to think about. Staay strong!

[Ikar]

Here is a list of changes in my life for the past month:

Game Quitters - I'm extremely happy to be here, basically brothers (and sisters) in arms against a common enemy. I don't demonize gaming for my friends, but my stance towards is has to be skeptical at least.

working out - I did more physical activity than in any of the months after I left the military in August last year. I would really only move with my ex, no dice I would get myself up on my own.

Jordan Peterson - Thanks to this man, I think I understood my past, or at least rationalized it in a way that doesn't haunt me anymore. Shout out to Jocko Willink and Joe Rogan as well.

going out more/people - I didn't create any new venues for myself to go to per se, but I'm generally more inclined to hang out with the people I already know whenever I can. I'm nowhere near as hopelessly shut in or reliant on my ex to have social contact. I think I go out with friends twice as much at least. I think I find it easier to relate to people I just saw before.

uni - I didn't fail any of the exams yet, though in my eyes I am almost begging for it. I think I am still easily distracted by virtually everything else from it.

girlfriend - I wanted to get her back at the start of this, but I can't get her back at all costs. We both set out the same, to find "love". If you're around frequently enough, I think I wrote enough to cover a few essays about that story. I think we are both doing better now though. If anything, I know I am doing better for the right reason.

English teaching - I'm becoming more comfortable with it. It helps with socializing, discussing ideas and I even get paid for that. What a deal!

my business - I got the site up, mostly postponed/on hold due to Iceland. It basically means I get more money from the one above.

Iceland - I might have a bit of a pickle here. I know a friend of mine went there Bear Grylls style (he had a tent and sought job on the spot) the last summer and everything worked out for him quite decently. I'll commit to doing that if absolutely necessary, though I'd prefer to have my comfort. I still have a bit more than a month to sort this out.

screen time reduction - I'm not convinced it happened yet. It's kinda rough to get away too, considering most of the plans/work I do has to be done this way.

family - I feel more closely connected to my mom, as she knows about my addiction, grandma as well.

dating - I've been back on online dating for a few days, I'm rather torn though. I treat myself WAY better than before. I also feel like part of the art is putting yourself on the line. It'd be awesome to be intimately connected to a girl again. Preferably even THE girl. There are apparently great pitfalls for a guy in early 20s like me in online dating, as the odds are most likely stacked against me.

This month feels definitely better than the last one!

I'm open to suggestions on any of my topics, maybe I even forgot some. Thanks!

[Ikar]

Day 32:

Spent a lot of time on Iceland, did English teaching and spent nothing on school. Documentary is finished. Tired after the post above!

@Ikar: study for uni!

[Ambassador]

5 hours ago, Ikar said:

I've been back on online dating for a few days, I'm rather torn though. I treat myself WAY better than before. I also feel like part of the art is putting yourself on the line. It'd be awesome to be intimately connected to a girl again. Preferably even THE girl. There are apparently great pitfalls for a guy in early 20s like me in online dating, as the odds are most likely stacked against me.

From the not all that tall height of my middle 30's, if I could tell my younger self something about romantic life, it would be to have a clear view of what kind of relationship you want, a clear view of what kind of person you want to spend your time with, to communicate your expectations and desires in a clear and pondered manner to anyone you have a relationship with, and to not settle for less than the bare minimum, the non-negotiable minimum standard you think someone should meet in order to have an harmonious coexistence with you, while still remembering that people make mistakes and have feelings and that there will be friction, but that it should never, ever be an excuse to drop the mutual respect any healthy relationship is made of. Breaking this all up:

Long term relationship? Short term? Hook up? One night stand? Whatever you choose, it's your choice, not someone else's. Of course, any potential date should also be made aware of your intentions, so that they can have as much of a good time as you are planning to. If they don't agree with your plan, you should decide if it's worth to negotiate your terms, but my experience is that it's only worth to make concessions if the other person is willing to make concessions back, no matter how pretty or fun they are. Relationships are about mutual commitment, and it's unhealthy to commit to someone not willing to commit back.

Know what characteristics you think are the most important on a potential date. You might prefer polite, quite, tempered girls, or wild, extroverted, flamboyant ones. It doesn't matter, just be sure to know what characteristics you are most attracted to, and the ones you don't like at all. Don't go making huge must have or mustn't  have lists, that's not the point. But give it a deep thought, know your deal breakers at the very least. For instance, when I was on Tinder looking for a potential date, I knew I wouldn't get along party girls, because I don't like to party, so that was a deal breaker, no matter how pretty or witty she would be. I also knew I love people with good humour and that smile easily, so having lots of smiling pictures or a funny profile description was a huge thing for me. Know your standards and stick with it.

Show yourself for what you are. You don't want to start pretending, you'll quickly become a prisoner of the persona you built. Moreover, you want to attract women that are interest in the type of guy you are. Do not get fooled by people that say women only like money, or that they are all overly concerned with appearances, this is false. Some women might, just like some men, too, might fall into those categories, but most don't, most people are looking for genuine and meaningful interactions. This doesn't mean you shouldn't mind how you come out, it only means you should not try to pretend. However, more than worrying about the things you say, mind the way you say it. There is more than one way to say the same thing to different effects. Apart of that, if you worry about your pictures and your appearance, there's an excellent website about it called Photofeeler, where you can get anonymous feedback on your pics. I used it and it helped me.

Finally, be sure to take your time and see if you are comfortable around the other person, and to check if it's mutual. Ideally, that person will get to know you up close, she'll know your virtues as much as your flaws, and you need to be willing to share your weaknesses and your fears with her. That is the essence of intimacy, to be carefully transparent and honest. Not fully and totally, because only young children and mad people are fully honest in their words, but almost totally.

In short, I think three are the cornerstone of a healthy relationship: commitment, sincerity and respect. Find someone with whom you feel comfortable talking about those three things and you are good to go. And don't be afraid to commit mistakes. For most people it is rare to find the right partner before quite a few attempts. Besides, we only live once. You gotta go there and try, and try again if necessary.

Sorry for the long boring text, I hope it may help you a little, and good luck!

[Ikar]

3 hours ago, Ambassador said:

a clear view of what kind of person you want to spend your time with

I actually remember my ex saying she was a real party animal up until 16, but then she made a 180 to the point where she wouldn't go out to meet larger groups of people anymore, because it made her physically sick, even if I was really keen on showing with her somewhere every once in a while, so she said she'd be introverted. I think what she did was to channel her extroversion mostly into social media rather, similarly as I did with gaming. I had no idea how much was that affecting me.

Trouble with that is, my addictive personality was fairly well embedded into me that probably everybody already considered it "me". For all I know, my screen time is still huge, though I am aware of it at least.

3 hours ago, Ambassador said:

to communicate your expectations and desires in a clear and pondered manner

This is what made me a bit cynical the other day. I liked it how every other person has "honesty" as one of their expectations/values, but I would say I was "honest" both before and after the addiction. Turns out addiction-controlled behavior is a thing. That's why I am much rather into responsibility these days, or by texts inspired by it and other values embedded into it.

3 hours ago, Ambassador said:

to not settle for less than the bare minimum

Yep, it seems like it's a good idea to set up the rules of the game early. I think something like "what happens in the relationship, stays in the relationship" might be one to consider for the future, although there's gonna be a ton of mechanisms to support that.

3 hours ago, Ambassador said:

Long term relationship? Short term? Hook up? One night stand?

I think hooking up and ONS would promptly send me to my own little moral hell.

I just looked up the difference between short and long-term relationship and I found out that the difference is that you take a lesson from a short one and you stay in the long one.

4 hours ago, Ambassador said:

know your deal breakers at the very least. For instance, when I was on Tinder looking for a potential date

I've been on Tinder before, but I never met anyone though it. I prefer to show my hand and Tinder's 160 characters or so doesn't allow for that. I'm back on OKC, but I noticed they removed instant messaging which is a bummer. No text limit there though, so I think my intentions are laid out there concisely.

4 hours ago, Ambassador said:

Show yourself for what you are. You don't want to start pretending, you'll quickly become a prisoner of the persona you built.

Aye, I guess I was a prisoner of my addiction.

4 hours ago, Ambassador said:

Apart of that, if you worry about your pictures and your appearance, there's an excellent website about it called Photofeeler, where you can get anonymous feedback on your pics. I used it and it helped me.

Thanks for that site! I'll see what comes out of that, research and all :D

4 hours ago, Ambassador said:

In short, I think three are the cornerstone of a healthy relationship: commitment, sincerity and respect.

I'll keep it in mind. It sounds obvious, but addiction is hell that skews your sincerity really badly.

Thanks for all the input!

[Ikar]

@Ambassador: The site turned out to be pretty good and scientific, getting precise feedback from my target group will be helpful. I know I have to be genuine, responsible and take photos in settings I can actually reasonably occur, not do it for the sake of a photo, keep working on myself and expanding my knowledge. Nice to see that those things are better aligned in my head! I wish I had a photo shot while I was still in the army. Figuratively, I'm a better warrior than I was back then though!

Day 33:

I set it off by responding to GQ comments. I did Russian, a bit of work on Iceland, watched some JP, did some research on online dating (gonna even get a book from uni library on a related topic), filled in a questionnaire for uni and took a walk in the evening. I studied for the test today as well, I have to develop some better work ethic for that though.

@Ikar: clean car, photo, exam, groceries

[Ikar]

Day 34:

I got up, watched the rest of the conversation between Milo & JP, then I commented a bit here and went for the exam.

After that me and my friend from the army went for a lunch, he told me the army is in a somewhat dismal state (or at least the part he is in which is quite similar to where I used to be) and that he's having some thoughts of leaving and going abroad or doing something else. I told him that my half a year without employment, basically being a leech while streaming, was quite horrible, but that the past two months have been pretty great, as I have some direction and vision now.

I kinda goofed around in the evening a bit, watched Simpsons, took some pictures for dating rating and I'm working on getting my PC desktop in order, as it's still a mess. I worked out outside with my basketball, as it's been raining a ton these past two weeks and I didn't get to work out this way otherwise in that time. I feel comfortably tired, I hope the exam results won't ruin it!

@Ikar: clean car, photo, flight ticket, mycat, duo, work out, read 1 page, letter, duo

[Ikar]

Day 35:

Will write tomorrow, tied and tipsy to do it properly now.

[Ikar]

Day 35:

I don't have too much of an idea about the order of the day, but I know I mowed the lawn, cleaned my desktop, did Russian and mycat (website where I write what I did as a teacher in English classes), played Scrabble with mom, had a bit of a headache during the day, so I laid down for a while too and I think that was it until the evening.

We had a small meetup from high-school, where we watched hockey. I think I didn't meet them for about three months, so I told them I broke up with my ex, but that I understood why she did it, so I can't hate her for that and that I am looking forward to my next relationship. We shared some insights on women afterwards. We also got to talk about Iceland a bit. It was a nice evening!

@Ikar: : clean car, photo, flight ticket, duo, work out, read 1 page, send letter, exam

[Ikar]

I forgot to mention I voted yesterday in the EU elections, so that took me an hour as well.

Day 36:

I got up pretty late, as a result of yesterday's meetup. I got some files together for the exam and did Russian. Brother came for lunch and after that I drove my family by car to a nearby village for a walk. I returned home with the car, watched some JP on addiction, did a bit of self-authoring and discussed women yet again with a Romanian friend of mine. I played some Scrabble and worked out in the evening and played a bit of basketball with some random guys that joined me.

I know I slacked this weekend on whatever I wanted to do, so I'll pick up on that tomorrow. I'll go on a short bike trip and get my errands done tomorrow.

@Ikar: clean car, photo, flight ticket, duo, read 1 page, send letter x 2, exam, bike trip, groceries

[Ikar]

Day 37:

I'll make this one a bit longer, as I watched JP's lecture in the spoiler. It clicked a few more things in my (pathological, but no regrets) relationship with my ex and females in general. I think I'll actually use his long lectures as a replacement for the WWII documentary. I'm taking notes too for further use!

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOzjfqO6-K8

I woke up after my alarm and got up only after my father called me on the phone. Reason being a horrible dream where the reality was that my mom was dead. That'd be a pretty appalling reality to live in indeed, especially after I confided to her with my gaming addiction.

I also noticed a craving for a sense of belonging yesterday with someone else than my family. I've been struggling with how my real life was recently fractured and sought a unifying force. Mostly it's been gaming (history) and my ex (recently), that'd be there for me basically when I needed them. I still have the Internet (daily GQ, Youtube, various IRCs), but I am thinking along the lines of real-life connection. All the other factions seem sort of distant:

high school friends - scattered throughout the country on universities, 1x month if I am lucky

army friends - I meet with just one of them, thanks to the fact we decided to study the same university, others are scattered

university -  we go there 1x week on the combined form, it's more like a hobby

English teaching - 1x week I teach the same people

All that taken into consideration, I have to be mindful of the fact that I am leaving to Iceland in a month, so that's gonna be a huge test of my independence. I'm also very vigilant about who's gonna be my next romantic partner and I'll make bloody sure I know what I'll be getting into.

I got some photos in the morning, I checked a bit on the flight ticket, did Russian and sent the letters. I worked out in the evening and helped my father with a TV. I felt a bit bummed out that I am placing too much responsibility on myself, but I still got a decent chunk done regardless.

Plan for tomorrow:

prep English: 8-9

Maps of Meaning: 9-12

bike trip: 12-14

grandma: 14-16

English teaching: 16-18

Exam prep: 18-20

Crumb: 20-22

We'll see how that goes!

(clean car, flight ticket later)

[Ikar]

Day 38:

Watching MoM in the morning turned out pretty nice, I didn't take any notes though. I prepared for the English teaching class and headed out to my grandma's.

I hopped on my bike despite the fact it was pouring and took a bit of an intentional detour to explore the nearby area, so that'd be my bike trip! Vising the grandma was nice and the class went well too.

I studied a bit for the exam today, but I'm so heavily biased towards audio/visual stimulation it's difficult for me to focus on text, even in a presentation. There's still tomorrow, so it's not too bad.

I watched the Crumb documentary and it nicely depicted how the artist came to be. Made me feel happy about my family and also that my outlook on women isn't as skewed as his, though by a stroke of luck he's pretty well off. Straightening yourself out is no joke.

@Ikar: exam, flight ticket, clean car

[Ikar]

Regarding yesterday, I did everything I was supposed to do, though I watched some Simpsons mainly though my exam studying time, but planning "free" fun time seems like a sound idea too. I decided to make a schedule for every single day from now on, as I hate the feeling of being a guilty headless chicken, because I need not only the what, but also when, otherwise some things will never get touched and that's wrong.

Day 39:

I got up way late, I'd guess mainly because my sleep was interrupted. I watched ep. 2 of Maps of Meaning (put the playlist into the spoiler) and I took some notes during it. I wrote to my friend on the topic as well and wrote a few posts here too. After that I went English teaching, watched some Simpsons and now I'm studying for the exam tomorrow.

Spoiler

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8Xc2_FtpHI&list=PL22J3VaeABQAT-0aSPq-OKOpQlHyR4k5h

8-12: MoM, email send papers

12-13: lunch

13-14: photo

14-15: clean

15-18: exam

18-20: self-authoring

Plain and simple.

[Ikar]

Day 40:

I watched ep. 3 of MoM and had lunch afterwards. I cleaned my car only halfway through, as it just started raining when I was in the middle of it! I didn't take any pictures, as my father got home from work early. I watched the Paul Bernardo police interview, it's definitely interesting how psychopaths try to work their way out of bad situations. I wrote the exam, did some groceries, watched some Simpsons and now I'm here, thinking what to do tomorrow. I'll see how much of the self-authoring can I do.

8-12: YT tab reduction, email send papers

12-13: lunch

13-14: photo taking

14-15: finish car cleaning

15-16: exam

16-17: work out

17-18: dog whisperer ep. SP/free

18-20: SEO investigation

dog whisperer ep. SP

ideas for future: check your tabs

[Ambassador]

8 hours ago, Ikar said:

I cleaned my car only halfway through, as it just started raining when I was in the middle of it!

Oh, yeah. Isn't it always convenient? Weather gods must have a terrible sense of humor.

[Ikar]

Day 41:

I watched some interesting JP-related videos and did groceries. After that, I had lunch and I watched the South Park episode. I finished cleaning my car as well. I went a bit off, schedule, but I got a bit to studying, working out and some SEO research, though I probably didn't do it in the extent I'd like to. Little by little, I'll eventually get somewhere, so that's good.

I got a vibe that I feel lonesome again. I want to fill it with some meaningful meetup/social hobby/relationship, otherwise I'll throw in something pathological instead and that's not gonna be good.

8-12: MoM ep. 4, email send papers

12-13: lunch

13-14: free

14--16: exam

16-17: Scrabble

17-19: SEO investigation

19-20: work out

ideas for future: check your tabs 

[Ikar]

Day 42:

I watched Maps of Meaning ep. 4 in the morning and took some notes again. It's fascinating how much thought was put into the making of Pinocchio animated film. After lunch, I read the Carl Panzram biography, I put it into the spoiler. It explains how you can turn into an incarnation of revenge upon humanity, if all you get from humanity is misery, resentment and walloping. I hope I never end up there.

Spoiler

https://www-rohan.sdsu.edu/nas/streaming/dept/scuastaf/collections/Panzram/Panzram-Box01Folder03.pdf

I played some Scrabble afterwards and setup Upwork account thanks to recommendation from @James Good, where my job would be psychology/self-help writing and translation. I worked out after that, watched Simpsons, 1995 Casino and now I'm here.

I feel like I'm in sort of a slump in the past few days. I sometimes feel hollow during the evening, but I've done a good job avoiding it up until now. I'm inclined to believe it'll pass, I'm nearing half of the detox and I'm doing remarkably well compared to how I did three months ago.

8-12: MoM ep. 5

12-13: lunch

13-14: exam

14-16: flight ticket

16-17: email send papers

17-19: exam

19-20: work out

ideas for future: check your tabs 

[Ikar]

Day 43:

I watched Maps of Meaning ep. 5 in the morning and took some notes. My brother came for lunch, so we spent some time together as the family. I kind of bombarded by schedule that way though. I was here forum, did Duolingo Russian, watched a bit of a documentary about Bhutan and read almost the whole first chapter of 12 Rules for Life. I chatted with a friend a bit about mental illnesses (and how difficult is to raise a child), I watched Simpsons, started studying for the exam tomorrow and also writing here.

I felt down again roughly in the afternoon/evening, but I got into reading the 12 Rules and that kept me holding steady. I think I am going a good job with contending whatever produces this "down" time of mine and how to counteract that in the most efficient manner. It's still probably one of the roughest times I am having during the detox.

8-12: MoM ep. 6

12-13: lunch

13-14: clean room

14-15: read 12 Rules

15-17: exam

17-18: work out

18-20: Simpsons

ideas for future: check your tabs

I think I can make this schedule work 100%! :)

[BooksandTrees]

I've been making a weekly schedule and it has been helping a lot. Last week was my most productive week in months. 

[Ikar]

6 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I've been making a weekly schedule and it has been helping a lot. Last week was my most productive week in months. 

I'll take off some time today or tomorrow to figure something more long-term out, as I'm leaving in about three weeks. I don't think I stayed on top of my university duties as much as I would've liked the past week and that might make me study for a week longer, though it shouldn't be too much of an issue.

[Ikar]

Day 44:

I watched Maps of Meaning ep. 6 in the morning and took some notes. After that I had lunch and finally sent the papers over email I had to send that I postponed for no reason.

I wrote the exam in the afternoon and decided I'd go to a swimming pool, where I had bought some credit a year ago, but never got there since. That was my workout for the day, it was also interesting watching different people when I was resting.

I checked the results of the exam afterwards and found out I failed it, but I have a week to prepare for it the next time and once I've done it, the semester will be done as well. I'll study daily to prepare for it this time. I did Russian, commented here on other topics and watched some Simpsons. I'll read a bit after this.

I also fully realized my breakup made my rule of thumb towards women to "be responsible" rather than "be nice". "Niceness over everything" basically nailed the last relationship I had. Responsibility is also easier to act out and clearer cut.

7-11: MoM ep. 7

11-12: exam studying

12-13: lunch

13-15: now-to-Iceland planning (ideas), Duolingo

15-18: English teaching

18-19: 12 Rules

ideas for future: check your tabs