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Ikar's Diary


Ikar
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Day 102:

I think I spiked an issue today at work somewhat recklessly and did not think through the consequences of it. It is part of a larger issue in the workplace though that is bound to be resolved soon, so right now I am not too sure what to make of it.

I like how this diary is still on the forum, almost non-related to games. Small step a day takes you far in a year.

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Day 103:

Interesting day today. I think I managed to make peace with myself and that is the most important thing for me, so I can feel good and work properly.

I also realized I am happy when people call me out on my wrongdoings, justified or not (that is up to me to consider) and that I am happy that I do not lie.

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Day 104:

Back to the good old boring days. I roasted a chicken today myself probably for the first time and wrote a bit again while outside. 

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Day 105:

Working the weekend till lunch this time. I wrote, took a nap, wrote again and read "The subtle art" by Mark Manson outside, finally found myself in a position to do it. My mom also called. Good day, I feel caught up with my life.

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Day 106:

I woke up even before the alarm. Worked till lunch today. I searched for a job back home, sent a few emails, read and pushed my comfort zone by climbing over a ravine.

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Also, nofap starting tomorrow, till the end of Iceland. It will be at least a bit over a month. Time to get serious!

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Day 107:

Nothing overly relevant today. Worked, walked, talked. Gonna have a small drink in the evening, as it is my birthday today ? 

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Day 110:

After work, I went outside, wrote to friends and saw a dead baby whale that got stranded on the coast nearby.

I have been thinking of writing a longer entry, tomorrow I will do that.

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Day 111:

OK, I guess a long silence was a long entry yesterday. After work, I have been researching some stuff and wrote an email, then I tried to meditate by counting breaths (which was difficult) and then I fell asleep early.

Day 112:

I had a day off today, so we hitch-hiked to Reykjavik with one companion. One of the drivers was a teacher and I remember two things from him: passion and patience. 

Though I know delaying is no bueno, I will have a day off tomorrow as well and I will have an easier time writing too, as I feel somewhat out of focus now.

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Day 113:

I spent the morning in the bed, practising NEOs. I feel ambivalent, perhaps a bit confused, as I do not actually know what do I promise from a no-fap, whether partial, full or none at all. 

Later on, I was reading and on the internet. I cooked lunch, took a break and went for a walk to a church, where there is also a golf course. I was collecting golf balls for about an hour, but then I went back as there were too many and nobody to return them to on the weekend. I will go there once my employment on the pig farm ends.

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Day 114:

Back to work for me after the weekend. I was setting up some bank stuff, wrote to a few people, called with parents and watched Two Diners by Peterson again to crank me up. After that, I went outside to lie for a bit to think and cooked a chicken.

I intently lied in my speech today after a long time. It was the sort of lie where you are too careless at first, forget to do something, lie about it and go fix it immediatelly after that in no time flat, to not be too much of a bastard.

I am vigilant.

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Day 115:

After work, I went outside, thought of some cool ideas for stuff to do at home, wrote to people and wished my dad happy birthday.,

I will need to take some time, perhaps a day or few to sort out everything I want to do once I am back home. 

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Day 116:

Pretty much the same as yesterday, though I did not wish my father happy birthday.

I managed to listen to @James Good podcast ep. 1 and took some notes in the evening. 

"What gets measures gets managed." is a great quote!

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Day 117:

Nothing overly special today. Mom called, some emails, cooking. Gonna take a late walk now, just because the day would not be complete without it.

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Day 118:

I felt a bit smashed for the whole day. I managed to push through though and have a good day. I went outside and wrote.

Tomorrow:

Podcast GQ, walk 2-3, write to people, cook, book+write, laundry, GRS.

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Day 119:

In the morning, I cooked and did the laundry, wrote, meditated for a few and was napping/thinking until lunch.

After lunch I went outside for a walk. I was exploring an area I have never been to and halted for a nice snack too, so I came back 4 hours later.

In the evening, I felt tired from the long walk, so I just did things to keep myself awake, though I still managed to listen to the Life Unlocked podcast #2. 

One thing I got from it was that I want to write my monthly summary again and perhaps prepare some small speech/showing of photos to my family and some friends. I got a lot out of these 4 months and I think it might be worth sharing my experience with others, though it will take some time to write.

Tomorrow:

Jobs, monthly, 4 months, short walk, cook (money invest)

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Day 120:

I wrote a bit and meditated in the morning and took a short nap. I tackled job searching at home and I seem to be caught up. I read some interesting articles too. I went outside for a while too and wrote even more to people in the evening.

I got some work done today, though it felt a bit diffused and structureless. I guess I am just not used to having free time now! 

The article below is long but fairly interesting and a few things rang very true for me.

https://markmanson.net/how-to-grow-up

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Day 121:

Work!

After that, I ate, went outside, took a nap and asked a few friends/family about investing money. I would like to get that out of the way, as I feel my future is somewhat lined up for at least the next two years. I guess Getting Rich Slowly might help with that too, though it is a US blog.

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1 hour ago, Ikar said:

Day 121:

Work!

After that, I ate, went outside, took a nap and asked a few friends/family about investing money. I would like to get that out of the way, as I feel my future is somewhat lined up for at least the next two years. I guess Getting Rich Slowly might help with that too, though it is a US blog.

I found a few YouTubers have been helpful. I think Graham Stephen has been helpful. I don't think Ryan Scribener is helpful. They both desperately want attention, but Ryan is fake and Graham is more authentic. There are others online who can give decent advice. I wouldn't believe in any specific stocks they suggest because it could be a way for them to influence people to invest in their stocks. 

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Day 123:

I wrote, checked out some articles, cooked, went outside for a bit and got a big stomachache because I ate too much! 

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Day 124:

Alright, the time is finally ripe for a big update. Some of it are gonna be my own thoughts of my past and some of them are gonna be things I discussed with the people I know. 

Going back to my past, I am inclined to believe that the relationship was the classic romantic love. There was passion, there was connection, but no lasting trust/commitment. All of that was done unconsciously.

That is probably nothing new, however it might be the explanation for my drive for connection/sex I am working on experiencing again, BUT also consciously throwing in the responsibility/trust factor in to make the next relationship last longer. I am still new to the concept of responsibility, but I believe I made a good headway the last 4 months.

I also notice the "savior" complex to try and help someone (without going into much detail IF they actually deserve/need help) is still present in me. It was there when I tried to "help" my ex out of depression, it was still partly there when we had some issues on the workplace recently.

I have to be conscious of that and try to cop around for the justice of others less. Their problems are theirs and my problems are mine. That's that.

Another one I found out is that "If you want peace, prepare for war." applies to human relationships as well.

It sounds strange, but for example if I call out someone on lying to me, I do not do it to invalidate all the good things they have done before and show them they are completely untrustworthy. I do it because I want to make them aware of it and find out why they were lying AND I will be happy if they return the favor sometime in the future when I might get out of line myself.

Honestly, I do not think one can maintain this kind of a relationship with everyone they regularily meet. Family, romantic partner and friends, and that is probably all. It will probably not include a random Joe at work, though maybe if you call him out and he accepts the callout gracefully, you might become friends through that. Who knows, life is weird!

Back to the saying, I would say most people are not prepared for war with most people, so peace (which I guess is friendship in this analogy) is impossible and rather, they have an armistice. Chances are there is plenty of unmarked mines laying around, ready to blow up and send them both to war.

And a classic to top it off, you cannot make someone change. They can be a liar, racist, arrogant prick, stomping kids' sandcastles on a beach - whatever. You can perhaps try to make them aware of the issue, but that is all you can do.

It was sure a long entry, but it sums up my summer work experience and a few other bits that help me understand myself and others.

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Day 125:

Nothing special happened today.

Yesterday, I could not sleep for a while, because I napped too much during the day. I know I did about 6 days of true nofap and 18 days without ejaculatory masturbation up until yesterday. My thoughts regarding this are positive now.

Tomorrow:

monthly rep, 4 months, short walk, cook (money invest), podcast GQ, (book+write), laundry, GRS.

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