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RB1

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  1. RB1

    Journal

    The cravings finally gone from earlier... Realized how guilty and disappointed I would have been in myself if I relapsed. Made me realize how far I've come. Before I would've given in and felt guilty for a bit and told myself its ok and, "tomorrow will be the day I fix myself" and ended back in that self destructive loop I'm too familiar with. This also made me realize that it's time for me to take this detox to its next level. I've got to get rid of youtube. I've somehow convinced myself all this time I can still use youtube as long as I stay away from gaming, but I've spend a lotttttt of time on it in the last month without gaming channels. Once I'm back from my break on day 42, I've gotta cut that shit out... Gotta go right now, I'll continue this post later.
  2. RB1

    Journal

    Day 35: Week 5/13. Nearly half way Holllly shit I almost relapsed today without even really noticing. I've just been bored and in bed today and haven't had much energy to go do anything. Without really thinking about it, I got on youtube and typed in the name of a gaming channel I used to go to all the time. I just sat there scrolling through the channel looking at what new videos were out without clicking on any of them. All of a sudden, I remembered I'm on a detox and can't watch any of them. I exited out of the screen and just sat there thinking about what happened. Just visiting that page for 20-30 seconds had me heavily consider if I should just say, "screw it" and relapse and deal with the consequences later. I literally spent two hours craving heavily until I fell asleep. Took a nap and just woke up. Feeling like shit and still kind of want to go back to the page, but I'm in a little bit more of control now. I'm so glad I didn't relapse. Honestly didn't do anything today. I'll take not relapsing as enough of an accomplishment for the day though. Edit: Made it to the gym for a workout! Was a quick one, but at least I went 🙂
  3. Congratz on the record! Keep it goin :)
  4. Hey! First of all, big props to being a med student. I respect that so much man! I'm with you and your problems. I haven't actually had a heavy gaming problem in the last few years. I used to play an insane amount of League and Smash Brothers Melee, but quit league like 4 years ago and cut melee out significantly. However, after quitting league I discovered the world of Twitch, youtube gaming channels, and gaming social media following on twitter. I quit gaming for the most part, but began to binge watch gaming content for insane amount of hours each day. I thought I was moving forward by cutting gaming and didn't draw the correlation between gaming itself and watching gaming content for a while. I think it's even possible to argue binge watching gaming content could be worse for you than gaming itself. I'm currently studying Computer Science, so I can relate to you when you say you spend 5-6 hours a day staring at a computer screen for school related purposes. I too didn't want to be in front of a computer screen after my studies due to eye and mental strain and what felt like isolation from the normal world. The crazy thing is that I got used to it after a while and when you're addicted to gaming and watching gaming content, it just becomes easy to go from studying on your computer straight to those activities. My life became being in front of a screen for 5-6 hours programming or studying, then spending the rest of my time in front of a screen again gaming or watching gaming content. I'm a month into my detox and the experience feels like it has really, 'refreshed my dopamine' substantially and feels like I've limited myself from that, 'information overload' you'd mentioned. You're not alone man and I hope we can keep it up! You're doing great man! Also, thanks for the comment you made in my journal the other day at a rough time for me. Meant a lot man.
  5. RB1

    Journal

    Day 34: Past one month! Been on vacation for a few days. Been having a great time, but it's a little hard to avoid the cravings during times where I'm just relaxing. Don't feel like posting much here while I'm on break. Been doing good though! I download the Kindle app on my phone and have been reading two books. The main one is, "How the Internet is Changing out Brains" by Nicholas Carr and the side one is, "Animal Farm" by George Orwell of course. I really need to make a post about Nicholas Carrs book when I'm done with it. It's been confirming many suspicions I've had in the past couple of years with how my mind is starting to feel regularly due to increased use of the internet and video games. It's absolutely worth a read, especially for people in our position. It's just another reminder for me to stay away from video games and to decrease my time on the internet as well as the way I utilize it. I'll talk about this soon when I'm through with the book. Went to the gym for the first time in I think a month yesterday. Damn I'm sore! It's the good kind of sore though! The kind that reminds you, you need to get back to work and want to get back to work. I'm going to go again tomorrow! Hopefully I keep this up. I can't believe it's been more than a month into my detox! I've only felt better since beginning this program and I know things will only continue to get better. A few of the things I've been trying to forcefully implement into my life have been coming a bit more naturally, which is my dream come true. This method of avoiding gaming and just letting the rest of my life be, is certainly working better for me as of now. Trying to force activities and exercise just wasn't working for me. I'm just gonna go with the flow till I hit a wall, then I'll start making changes. Loving life at the moment 🙂 If you're reading this, please let me know what you think about the below!!! On day 1 or 2, when I decided to commit to the detox, I said that I'd stay away from gaming alone (including online gaming) and gaming content like youtube gaming channels, twitch, and twitter for 90 days. However, I also said once I get back to my normal life, (I've been away from home, staying with my family for about two months to do an internship. I'm currently on vacation before going back to my regular life next week.) on day 42, I'd allow myself to play video games with friends as long as I'm in the same room with them, side by side. I've been contemplating whether to actually allow myself to do this or not, and I've decided I would. I just miss hanging out with my friends back home and playing some games together when we do get to hang out. I've made it clear that my main issue is staying away from gaming content more than playing video games throughout my detox, so I think this is ok for me. HOWEVER, I've decided if this causes my cravings for binge watching gaming content to surge, I will explain to my friends what I've been going through with this gaming detox and avoid hanging out with them at least till the 90 days is up.
  6. That's insane man! Great work! you deserve it man :)
  7. RB1

    Journal

    Day 31: 8.13.19 New personal record! After making that post, I surfed through GQ for a while, just reading random posts. I came across some inspiring posts, but nothing to alleviate the cravings. Then I saw a post of someone on day 60-70 saying he'd broken his personal record. I forgot then that in three days, I would reach my personal record. Afterwards, I ended up just sitting on my couch for a whole hour doing nothing. I just sat there drinking another beer while dealing with thoughts. I kept thinking about relapsing, but the time allowed me to evaluate the consequences of my actions. In the end, I knew I would be crushed to let myself down, especially since I was so close to my personal record. I'd come too far and worked to hard for this. It would have been detrimental to my new mentality. Regardless, I still felt like going upstairs to my room with my laptop and at least binge watching some gaming content. I was positive that I'd relapse if I went to my room with my laptop, so I decided to stay downstairs. So I drank a few more cans of beer and ended up passing out on the couch. It's not the best solution, but hey, I didn't relapse 🙂 1/3 of the way there! The experience has been life changing so far. Can't wait for what's to come.
  8. This sounds like something I can get on board with. I need to start doing this ASAP. I used to work out in the morning, but haven't been in the position to for the last month and have been saying I'd exercise in the afternoon instead. I think morning workouts are the only way for me to go. I never really take stretching seriously, but it's been on my mind as of late. I feel like this would be a therapeutic activity for me before going to sleep. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Podcasts are next on the list. For years I've wanted to get into more podcasts, but I've neglected this as well. Reading, I'll get to eventually. This has been like a life time struggle for me to implement into my daily routine, but it needs to happen. If I can build that into my life, it would be such a game changer. I just can't figure out how really to enjoy it. When I try to before bed, it always feels too forced.
  9. Congratulations! You've worked hard for this man.
  10. RB1

    Journal

    Day 28: Really hoping for some encouragement right now. Got through 8/10 days no computer in my room. It's past midnight and I feel like I'm gonna relapse with this, 'no computer in room' goal though. This week has been real weird. When I abstain or cut habits out of my life, I get depressed, have terrible negative self talk, and experience high levels of stress, but I'm experiencing something completely different now. For probably the last 3 or 4 days, I've just been incredibly angry at night. Just filled with total rage. I'm not an angry person either. Never have been. Even with gaming, I very rarely got upset. I've had a few minor phases of being an angry gamer, but for the majority I've had my anger under control. For all aspects of life too, not just gaming. I seriously don't know what it is. Probably a part of the detox. I've been drinking every night with people for the last 4 nights, which when saying out loud sounds like, "duhh, this is why you're feeling angry" but this has never been the case with drinking either. I'm either a friendly drunk, or a depressed drunk. Not even ONCE have I gotten angry while drinking. I don't know man... This is all just very new for me and I don't know how to deal with it. Today's been the worst day cravings wise in my detox by far. By far. It hit me out of nowhere. I've barely had any need to game for over two weeks, but this unexplainable anger just came out of nowhere and I just feel like giving in. I don't know what else would calm me down. Maybe I wont game, but this goal where I don't bring my computer to my room to control my internet addiction feels like its about to go out the window. I made a deal with myself 8 days ago saying I'd reset my entire gaming addiction if i brought my computer to my room at all. I really wish I could take that back now. Feel like going on a binge for the next 4 hours. This all sounds so pathetic, but that's just how it is right now. I don't know... I made a post less than 24 hours ago how we're molded by the decisions we make in difficult moments and how sometimes things go by so fast we don't realize when those difficult moments are so we give in without even realizing. Well, this is definitely one of those difficult moments for me and I feel like giving in. Its so worthless and hypocritical, but I just don't really give a fuck about what I was saying yesterday now that I'm in that moment. Guess I'll end my post, sit down for a few minutes and decide what to do then.
  11. RB1

    Journal

    Day 27: No computer in room day 7/10 Great day today! Had a lot of awesome things happen today. Suddenly felt down in the afternoon. Spent the rest of the afternoon feeling pretty crappy, but that happens you know. This doesn't mean I had a bad afternoon though! I felt down and depressed, but I was able to take control of the emotion and the moment just by recognizing it. Ups and downs happen all the time and I'm going to face a million more of both. I've got to learn to be grateful for the sad and painful moments in life since they're the best opportunities to grow. Every time a moment like this came along in the past, I always had that moment of internal conflict where I'd chose either to give in a do a destructive activity like game, or really do something about it. I always lost these battles in the past, but I've been winning more lately. I've started to notice how impactful this exact moment always is in my life. It's really what molds us all as people. I know what I'm saying sounds stupid since all I'm really saying is, 'I need to make the right decision in tough moments.' Of course! Simply put, that really is all I'm saying, but I think it's important to say this out loud just to remind myself that it's the case every now and then. Sometimes these moments fly by so fast I don't recognize it's happening. All of a sudden I'm back home on my laptop wasting my afternoon again and I don't know how I got there again. Sometimes the rest of your life is happening so fast that you autopilot through these moments. It's hard to catch at times the smaller moments that lead to your smaller but deadly habits. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore haha. Just ramblin. I just wanted to remind myself to be grateful for the good and bad. I've got a great life and great people around me. This gaming detox has been painful for me, but it's a chance to really turn my life around. I think the end result will be more empowering than anything I've ever done for myself.
  12. Welcome brother! Congratulations on your first post and step towards real change. I also never spoke about my addiction to anyone before writing my first post on these forums. I was always too ashamed to admit to my problem. I made an account just to get everything I've always wanted to say off my chest. Just admitting out loud that I have a gaming problem took so much weight off my back. I hope that first post did that same for you. What you did takes a lot of courage! Best of luck with your detox 😁
  13. RB1

    Journal

    Day 26: Edit: Forgot to mention, no computer in room day 6/10 26 days no gaming. Almost 1 month! Very proud of that! Unfortunately, I haven't been doing all this other stuff like going to the gym, working on chess game programming project, and reading like I've been saying I'd do. I haven't really made a schedule for myself to stick to, to manage my free time. I've stayed away from gaming, I haven't actively made many other changes in my life besides that. The other big issue being spending wayyy too much time on the internet hasn't gotten too much better. Slightly, but not by the degree I've hoped. I have been very social in the past two weeks which is a great accomplishment for me though! Honestly, I think I might be being a bit to tough on myself. Cutting out gaming has been a lot and I have done a few of the things I've been saying I'd do in my free time. I've been away from home and out of my element because of that. I'm also about go on vacation for a week. To be honest, other than with cutting gaming, I've lost that huge initial boost of motivation to make improvements in my life for the past two weeks. I'm staring to lie to myself again, which makes me feel like a letdown to myself. I think what I need to do is to continue to cut out gaming for the next two weeks while I finish out my internship here and go on vacation, but let everything else in my life just be. I'm still 100% committed to this detox for gaming, but I'm getting a bit tired of yelling at myself to change. I think taking a step back might actually help. I hope I'm not just lying to myself again. I think I might be... So that's what I'll do for the next two weeks, so till day 40. Continue this gaming detox, but let the rest of my life just be. I think this might be a better method to get me back to the gym and start working on my own projects. Whatever I'm doing right now just isn't working. I've accomplish a lot in 26 days, and have learned a lot about myself in 26 days. The change will come. I know it will. If it doesn't, I'll try to make it again. For now, I just want to enjoy the rest of my time with my family while I'm still here, and enjoy my vacation. Despite my last few upsetting posts, I've actually been most positive and a lot happier overall in the past few weeks. I know there's a lot more for me to work on, but he detox from gaming has been one of the most refreshing experiences in my life so far. 4 more days and I break my all time detox record! I will make it there, past it, and all the way to 90 days this time!
  14. RB1

    Journal

    Day 24: No laptop in room, Day 4/10 Yesterday, I didn't even want the option for me to be able to be on my laptop after work, so I just left it there. God, it was such a refreshing feeling! This thing truly is poison to me. Unfortunately I spent a little more time on my phone and of course ended up binge watching some youtube crap for a bit, but I spent less time on the internet with my phone than my laptop. I have such a terrible laptop addiction. I know people today say we're all phone obsessed, but I'm really not. My phone isn't a problem. I even deleted my social media from it and I don't give much of a fuck. I'm fucking laptop obsessed and it drives myself up the fucking wall. I don't know what to do about it. I really do think at times that the best thing I could do for myself is to hike up an enormous mountain with my laptop, and just chuck this piece of shit off the summit and just watch it shatter into a million pieces. I wish I could just take a hammer and destroy this piece of junk until its metal disintegrates to dust. I wish I could throw this shit device against a concrete wall repeatedly till the screen, keyboard, mousepad, and all of its internal hardware separate and die. I could go on about this but you get the idea. Just playing these thoughts in my head is therapeutic. I seriously think I'd pay a couple hundred dollars for a therapy session that would let me take a baseball bat and just destroy as much computer hardware as possible. I really fucking hate this cancerous piece of shit. I hate myself for being addicted to this nothing of a thing. I hate that I'm more comfortable staring at this screen than being in most social situations. I hate that I've chosen to spend entire weekends on this thing instead of being with friends or family that've warmly welcomed me to hanging out. A friend of mine told me recently that his older brother and his mother haven't talked in years since she confronted him about his behavior with his laptop. She basically told him, "how can we consider you to be apart of our family when you'd rather spend time on your computer than with us. You love your computer more than you love us." This really struck a note for me. Although I've never been told this by my family, I know I've spent most my life acting just that way. I've lied so many times to my family so I could spend afternoons on my laptop rather than with them. I've lied countless times to friends saying I'm too busy so I can spend weekends alone my computer. I've lied to so many colleagues and classmates that were kind enough to invite me to dinners, drinks, and parties just so I could go home, lock myself in my room and stare at this fucking screen. And it's ironic what I'd spend my time on my laptop doing after rejecting social invitations. If I wasn't gaming, I would go on twitch to see if my favorite streamers are online. I'd watch and rewatch content of my favorite youtube gaming channels. Cycle through gamers twitter accounts to see what's going on in their lives. Then when the gaming content binge ends, I check out what's going on with other celebrities like talk show hosts, comedians, and some actors. It's like I'd rather check in on what exciting things are going on in their lives rather than my own. I would so much rather see what's happening in others lives than work on myself. I don't know if its because I don't respect myself, or have just given up on trying to change... I don't know why. All I know is I seriously need an extended break from my laptop. As much as I'd like to chuck it in the garbage, I've gotta figure out a way to live with this thing. Funny thing is I'm studying to be a software engineer at the moment. I've seriously have got to figure something out. I need to take a real break from all electronics sometime soon though... I don't know... Despite my rage filled rant, I actually had a great day. Just had to type up a storm today after what went through my mind yesterday without my laptop. Don't know really know how to end this post so I'll just leave it at that.
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