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RB1

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  1. RB1

    Starting Over

    Gonna take a break from GQ for a while. It's done a lot for me, but I still can't quite seem to get it together. Gonna try private journaling for a long time and see how that works for me. About to start working on implementing better life habits with my therapist, so it's not like I'm giving up on self improvement. It's always on my mind and I'm still pursuing it, but these forums aren't working for me and it's been about about 5 months since I've started making posts. Thanks for all the support and help. I think I'll be back sometime don't know when. I just need to try a different approach to all this. Best of luck to all.
  2. RB1

    Starting Over

    Alight... Day 0 - 11/3/2019 I need to relabel my addiction. Its really an internet addiction more than a gaming addiction. Even when I successfully cut gaming out of my life, I still spend a tremendous amount of time browsing the internet for other things. I got a locker at my university about a month ago and left my locker in there for about 5 days, and those were the most well spent 5 days I had in a very long time. My new goal is just one. Leave my laptop in my locker after work or class. NEVER bring my laptop home. I do not have a desktop. I want to live by that one goal and see how things change. I'm not gonna promise anything else to myself other than that. Lets see how this goes. I'll try to post as much as possible, but it most likely will not be daily. Here it goes again. Lets see how my detox goes this time around.
  3. I've lately been wondering how others maintain a positive mindset during a detox and in general? Is discipline the end-all-be-all to being successful with these detoxes and having a positive mindset, or are these other things people do? I've began seeing a therapist to help me with my mental health and keep me in check, not just for my gaming problems, but just life problems in general, but is there more I can do that doesn't fit in the realm of pure, "discipline" to maintain a healthy state of mind? What do you all do?
  4. RB1

    Starting Over

    Day 0 - 10/27/2019 Never mind. I've fallen into way too big of a slump to allow myself to continue the day counter. I want to do this right. Back to day 0, resetting my counter, but I'm going to try to pick up where I left off in terms of productivity and activity. My mentality is weak at the moment and I still feel quite depressed, but I'll try to figure something out. I've got a long and important week ahead of me and I really need to pick myself up if I want to get through it. I'm going to try my best, but my head really isn't in the right place. Mannn, it might sound strange, but I'm literally tired of being depressed. I fall into these slumps so much and usually when I'm depressed, I'm just depressed. But right now it this mixture between depression from feeling that way and recognizing this pattern I feel like I can't escape and just feeling disgusted with myself, which makes me upset. I watched a Jim Jeffries stand-up special the other day where he talked about how he was depressed through his 20's and 30's... Now that I've recognized and acknowledged my depression problems, I really want to work on it and fix it. I've began seeing a therapist and I think it's helping, but I just want this to go away faster. I guess it's not going to go away instantly or perhaps even ever, but I need to do more to work on my mental health. I don't know... Just feeling lost with answers at the moment. I'm just going to continue to do this journal and do what I know is right for me and hope I stick to it. I don't really know what else I'm supposed to do.
  5. RB1

    Starting Over

    Day 17-26 10/26/2019 (Total days w/o gaming: 17; streak 0 days) The last 9-10 days have been a roller coster. Basically, up till day 21, which was 10/21/2019, I was doing great! So that's three weeks of progress. I was on-top of my work, exercising, socializing, eating right, spending a lot less time on my computer, had a couple of tiny relapses just with binge watching gaming content, but when that was the case it was for very short amounts of time and felt very much under control. Like I said in my last post, I had some awesome stuff happen last week, and it was probably the best 5 days I've lived in a years. Some personally great thing happened that made me feel on-top of the world. All that came crashing down on the 21st and I fell into a deep depression. I don't want to talk about the specifics since it's personal, but it affected my mental state deeply. Nothing terrible happened, but just something personal that I don't want to share in this forum. Well, it caused me to fall into a deep depression and I've just been in bed all day during the hours I didn't have to go to work, and I even cut some classes. I was literally in bed Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night for 12+ hours a day just because I couldn't get the energy to get up or the motivation to do anything. I was totally mentally defeated. I skipped all my classes on Thursday, but went to my therapy session, which helped a lot! I felt 10x better after talking with my therapist, but it didn't get me back to where I needed. It's taken me till now to say I'll put down the gaming videos and streams so I can get back to a healthy life. Every time I relapse like this, its even more of a reminder that I just can't balance my life with gaming. At some point during my detox, maybe like a month in I somehow convince myself that I can probably go back to gaming and live a balanced life. Absolutely not and every relapse is undeniable proof of that. I do nothing with my life when I'm gaming. One thing I've learned, or at-least learned is a bigger deal than I used to think it was, is how I need to be ok with set backs. I've said this in previous posts, but I'm a very momentum driven person. I feel like I'm always operating at extremes. Between day 1-21 before falling into a huge rut, I was managing all my time, making sure I was optimizing almost all aspect of my life, and was operating what felt near 90-100%. The moment I fell into my rut, a couple of thing went south in my life and I let myself go from that 90% level of operation to basically 0%-5%. I always let even the smaller thing in my life drag down every aspect of my life. I've reminded myself how terribly bad this is for me since of course I can't always operate between 90-100%. I will eventually burn out. But it just seems like every time everything isn't going as how I planned, nothing feels like it can go as planned. I can't let this be the case or I'll never be able to improve myself. I need to be ok with operating between 50-70%, and when bad things happen I need to be ok with operating at a lower rate than that, and not feel like I need to start from square one again. That being said, I don't know how everyone else feels, but I have my first and only piece of criticism of the way the detox in GQ works. I know the goal is supposed to be to get a 90 day gaming free streak, but I just haven't been able to do it since I started trying in June (or July??? can't remember when I began). I've relapsed, and since I need to do a, "reset" each time I relapse, it makes me feel like I'm starting back at square one. I don't know if this is just me and my mentality, but that the mind set I feel like it reinforces. I've realized my goal isn't to, "reset" or, "start over" every time I have a relapse, since I will have many more to come. I think the most important thing for me personally is when I do relapse, not to let it bring me down to such lows each time so I can get back on my feet quicker and start again where I left off. I've been feeling like these relapses drag me back down from a high place down to zero, but I can't keep feeling that way. I need to learn to pick myself up even when times are bad and minimize the effects of depressive episodes or stressful times in my life. I keep letting them disrupting the flow of my life and that's the worst thing I can let happen to me. That being said, the last depressive episode I had was about 2 months ago and it lasted for about 3 weeks. This time around, its been 6 days and I'm kindof back on my feet. I'm still feeling pretty depressed and not ready to put down the gaming content, but I know the sooner I put it down the faster it means I'll get back to where I was in my journey. I'm just rambling now. Let me know if any of yall feel this way at all or understand what I'm saying haha. Tldr; I had a great 3 weeks, fell into a rut for the last week and binge watched a lot of gaming content. I'm back at it, but still feel a little bummed. I think it's more important to prioritize recovering from slumps quicker rather than maintaining longer streaks of productivity.
  6. RB1

    Starting Over

    Day 14, 15, 16 - 10/16/2019 (Total days w/o gaming: 13; streak 3 days) Day 16 complete. Last three days went by pretty quick. Just had to grind out a ton of school work after getting off work each day. I've got plans I'm real excited for the next 5 days, so I probably wont be posting much or at all. Not much to say. I'm feeling real good. Eating slightly healthier, still haven't gone back to the gym though. I feel like I'm really close to making a big breakthrough. I'm balancing my life a lot better through time management, sleeping more at consistent times, decreasing screen time, socializing more, starting to skateboard and WANT to skateboard again. That alone is really important to me. I haven't had a hobby that I've actively wanted to do in a long time. Picking up skateboarding was definitely a necessity for me and I can't turn back on it again. Because I have something I'm feeling some passion about want to go out of my way to do, I'm almost automatically managing my time better so I can find room in my day to skateboard. The next big goals are to start reading for pleasure more, start exercising again frequently (thankfully skateboarding handles this a bit, but I need to do more), and diet a bit better. I need to get around to this. Anyways I'm feeling pretty good, but I can do better.
  7. RB1

    Starting Over

    Day 13 - 10/13/2019 (Total days w/o gaming: 10; streak 0 days) I really turned this day around! Unfortunately I started the day watching gaming content from 9am - 2pm so I can't to my, "total days w/o gaming." But the moment I recollected at 2pm, I was able to focus and be productive. Made a quick recovery from my cold and am feeling 100% already. I was in bed all day Friday afternoon and Saturday and was just so bored that the cravings took over so I watching gaming videos basically the whole afternoon and all of Saturday. This morning I felt better, but the habit just carried on. I know I technically relapsed, but I'm actually more impressed with myself that I relapsed and was able to make such a quick comeback. The last four detoxes I tried, the moment I gave in and started gaming or watching gaming content, my will kindof just shattered and It really took 1-2 months to get back on my feet and commit to a real detox. It's more important to me that I can get back on my feet quicker since I know I will relapse at times. I say I'm doing a detox, but I'm really planning on quitting for the long run so my goal when relapsing is really to bounce back as quick as possible. Ideally I wouldn't relapse at all, but that's a goal for the long run. Anyways, at 2pm I got off my couch, turned on my, "SelfControl" app and blocked youtube, twitch, and twitter which are the sites I waste all my time on. Opened my phone checklist app and started cranking away at my dailies and weeklies since it is the weekend. Cleaned the whole house (didn't get to the yard but meh), did my laundry, did a bunch of smaller tasks, then I went skateboarding, got some exercise in there and saw some friends that happened to be there, went home and cooked a decently healthy meal, took the dishes out of the washer and cleaned the rest of the dirty dishes, called a friend, called my parents to chat, and now I'm here writing my journal. I felt pretty shitty Friday, Saturday, and this morning since I relapsed, but I've really been able to make a full recovery doing things and with my mood. Feeling awesome right now 🙂 I'm glad I picked myself up since at the skatepark today I landed two tricks I've been trying to get forever now (literally years). So fuckin happy I got those today. Can't wait to go back and solidify them and really add them into my bag of tricks. Gonna meditate and hit the hay. Got an early morning tomorrow and I needa stay on-top of this rhythm I'm feeling. Looking forward to day 14 and another great week.
  8. I actually met with a therapist two weeks back for the first time. This last week we had our first official session. Yes! I should have posted on this discussion board I made. I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but just that first session did wonders for me. I've concealed my depression basically my whole life and just speaking to a professional who I knew would not judge me for my words made all the difference. He didn't even really suggest much that first session, but just listened to everything I needed to say and that was like treatment for me. I will continue to go weekly until I trust can trust myself to stay on top of my life by myself. I'm not there yet and don't think I will be for a while. That's the goal for now.
  9. That's jaw dropping to me... Ok well now I'm just overwhelmed with inspiration :)
  10. Keep up the good work 🙂
  11. Congratulations on the 50+ days man that's awesome 🙂 Keep it up! I'm inspired by how consistently you write on GQ on your own journal and on others!
  12. RB1

    Starting Over

    Annnnd I'm back at it. Slipped up today until 2:30. Was watching gaming content most of the morning, but I pulled myself together and now I'm back at it. Blocked youtube, twitch, and twitter to keep myself in check. Opened my check-list app that I've neglected for the last two days and ran through the checklist that's been helping me stay on-top of my regime. Cleaned my room that was slowly becoming a mess, did all the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, did my laundry, swept the floors and cleans the counters, got the mail, paid my credit-card balance, etc. I feel like I've cleared my mind and can slip right back into the rhythm I had going last week now. Gonna get a few more things done before the end of the day. Go skateboard Stop by the drug store for some things I need Eat a healthy meal Clean the garden if I've got time Get some reading assignments due down the line started Meditate Call an old friend if I've got time Check my e-mail Gonna get at that list and write an entry at the end of today. Feeling great 🙂
  13. RB1

    Starting Over

    Just wanted to say one more thing. I think I'm making real breakthroughs with self improvement. Here's what I think is what I think is ground breaking for me. Meditation. I can't stress this enough. Days 1-10 I meditated tons for the sole purpose of fighting my cravings, but it's done so much more that I didn't anticipate. It has... Helped me get better sleep stay focused reduced stress levels significantly helps me be more compassionate towards myself Generally gives me time to let my mind rest. This might be the most important as someone who's mind feels like its racing constantly from a lifetime of gaming. Consistent sleep I've been sleeping 7-8 hours a day consistently AND have been sleeping at the same time at night and waking up at the same time each day. Been going to bed between 10-11pm and waking up between 6-7am. I think this might be even more important than the actual hours of sleep I get I haven't been exercising and have only been eating slightly healthier, but I've been feeling 10x more focused and full of energy than usual. I really think consistent amounts of sleep and consistent sleep schedules has been the leading factor to this. Spending less time at home Only really did this for three days of my detox so far, but they've been the most productive by far. They've also been the days where I feel healthiest physically and mentally I think this is the KEY to the future of my development Leaving my laptop in my university locker overnight I've also only done this for three of my days, but this has I think helped me feel tons better mentally. Less screen time, better health Picking up (old) hobbies Started skateboarding again and playing a little bit of music Been getting some exercise from skateboarding. Have also been more social since I see people and sometimes friends at the skatepark Learned a new song on the piano in the last week. Have been playing it more when I'm home to keep me busy, and of course because I actually want to get better at the piano. This is what I've been doing differently and why I think I'm feeling so much better this time around than my initial 42 or 43 day detox. I stayed away from gaming during those days, but still had a ton of screen time since I didn't limit my use to youtube, which I just basically spent all the time I would gaming watching youtube instead. Like I said, minor set back in the last two days, but I'm still feeling tons better than I have since I can last remember! Feeling confident and hopeful!
  14. RB1

    Starting Over

    Day 9, 10, 11, 12 - 10/12/2019 (Total days w/o gaming: 10; No gaming: 10 days; streak 0 days) Day 9 and 10 were fantastic. My plan to stay away from home throughout the day was an incredible success! Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday of this week I did just that and I accomplished so much. On top of that, I got a locker at my university and decided it'd be best to leave my laptop at school, since I'd get everything I needed to get done out of the way. That was another great move for myself. I started and got finished my schoolwork done much quicker than I usually do. I would just stay behind at school towards the end of the day and get what was assigned to me that day done, or atleast started for my larger projects. I was a lot more social. Talked with some new people just because I was in the vicinity of students for longer. I didn't just go home and lock myself in my house like I'd typically do. I was more focused and got more work done earlier, so I had time to skateboard on weekdays. I always thought there was never enough time to do extra activities on weekdays, but a little bit of improved time management is allowing to do a lot more with my time I just feel better because I'm experiencing less screen time 🙂 This is something I need to investigate further, but it might actually be the reason I've felt so great Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday more than the other three things above I'm very happy with the way I spend my time those days and some of Friday. I'm still feeling great and am fired up to continue with my mission. Friday afternoon and all of today were a bit of a different story. I left work two hours early on Friday because I started to feel sick. I thought it would just be a slight cold, but not much was going on that afternoon so my boss let me go early. Drove home and felt pretty bad, so I took a nap. Woke up, and felt horrendous and immediately drove to my local clinic. It was packed with people, but I really wasn't feeling good, so I decided it was worth the wait. Put my name in the cue and waited for 3.5 hours and was never seen. I asked every hour what my position in the cue was and was told I should be up soon, but they couldn't give me an exact amount of time. Asked 4 times and was told the same thing, so I just called it quits and went home. I was sick, extremely frustrated because of the wait and unfortunately went home and wanted to take off the edge, so I watched a bunch of gaming videos. Relapsed with content, not with actual gaming fortunately. I've been sick all day and am feeling a little better now, but watch a lot of gaming videos today to kill time. I feel a lot better now, but watching content is making my head hurt, though my body feels better. The one plus to this is I feel like I'm still in control to make a full comeback and continue with my detox. The last few times I did the detox and relapsed just once, I felt like I was battling my demons and lost and was devastated. I didn't wan't to continue with the detox and just wanted to get lost in gaming. Right now, I don't feel that way. I had an extremely productive week, especially the last few days before I caught my cold and I refuse to lose my grip on that. I know I can make a quick comeback and get mack on the rails, especially once this cold passes. I know this means I should reset my counter, but honestly I don't want to. I know it's against the, "rules" of the detox, but I've reset my counter the last couple of detoxes from a relapse and it made me not want to come back. I've realized from those last few attempts at my detoxes that relapses will happen and I shouldn't let that tear me apart. Although I will try my best every time, I know I will relapse again later on in this detox, but I know now it's more important to get back on my feet than to continue the streak of his detox. I'd rather use this journal to record the journey of my detox than use it purely as a trophy to my personal achievements. Minor step back yesterday and today, but I'm feeling good as ever. This experience also taught me that depression doesn't necessarily cause me to relapse. I think heavy stress is more likely to cause it, so I need to stay alert to that. I've been convinced forever that my depression problems cause me to game heavily, but that hasn't been the case as of late. I've had my ups and downs in the last 12 days, but it's not caused me to detox or feel to bad of cravings. The stress was like an instant trigger to watch gaming content though. My mind and body know from a lifetime of gaming that its the quickest form of instant gratification for me. I think that's why high levels of stress triggers high levels of cravings for me, and yeah that 3.5 hour doctors wait while having a bad cold put me under a lot of stress. Fucking hate going to the doctor. Oh yeah, and I had my first official therapist meeting the other day. I went last week and wrote about it, but it was really just an introductory session. This last week I had a real session with one, and its exactly what I need. It's probably why I'm having an easier time managing my depression problems. The therapist didn't really recommend much for me during the session, but I just had so much on my chest I needed to unload. Just the act of talking to a professional made my mentality a lot more stable throughout the week. I'm ready for day 13 🙂
  15. RB1

    Starting Over

    Day 9 - 10/8/2019 Day 9 complete. Good day. Stayed away from home till pretty late. Could've pushed it a little further and gotten a quick workout at the gym before going home, but I spent extra time at my school library getting a lot of school work done. I think this is the right approach to improvement. Gonna try to keep this up. Some bad cravings at one point, but it's getting easier to deal with. Tomrrow's the day 10 milestone 😉
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