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BooksandTrees
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Yeah I'd like a wall between my kitchen and living room too. That's awesome you've got your bedroom and computer in separate rooms though. Sounds like a nice place with plenty of room for you. Makes me think about living in a 1br apartment. 

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12 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:

Yeah I'd like a wall between my kitchen and living room too. That's awesome you've got your bedroom and computer in separate rooms though. Sounds like a nice place with plenty of room for you. Makes me think about living in a 1br apartment. 

There's just something about the closure and comfort of the space that brings me peace. I don't like open spaces. I get anxious.

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I'm officially unpacked today. I'm so happy to have it completed. There's only a few boxes I need to put in the basement later for storage. I'm so happy with the feel of this place. It's just so cozy so far and I'm hoping it lasts the whole year. I might go grocery shopping tomorrow and stock up on food again for the next 2 months like last time. I'm also going to buy some treats for myself and not binge them so they can last a bit. I made my dark chocolate last 6 weeks by eating just two squares a day. I'll try to do the same again. I also gotta get an air conditioner soon.

I went for a walk with my friend at lunch today which was nice. We live nearby now with my move. Maybe it can be a trend for the future. I'm thinking once I'm settled in I'm going to start studying again and try to make sure I'm fully ready for this exam in October. But I don't want to think about that yet because I'm burnt out a bit. I'm fully relieved to be moved in thankfully and that's taken a lot of the burnout away from me.

I'm just hoping to relax now. I want to enjoy life. I might start on another 3d model soon and just play with it this weekend.

Today I'm grateful for my friends, family, coworkers, job, apartment, trails, and myself for finishing the job and making things look nice. 

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11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

There's just something about the closure and comfort of the space that brings me peace. I don't like open spaces. I get anxious.

Interesting. I can see how it feels more cozy with a smaller space. 

 

11 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

stock up on food again for the next 2 months like last time

That's a lot of food. I thought two weeks was a good amount.

Hey I put grateful for trails too. They're nice. I might be moving to a new house in August. My mom's trying to buy a new, nicer place for us to live in. So fingers crossed I hope it works out. She said they have a big tv and couch there that I can use. 

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Today was ok. I woke up late, felt very out of it, didn't do what I wanted to do, and feel bad about it in general. 

This will be a very long post and I hope I do not hurt anyone's feelings by writing this. If I lose your respect then I am sorry. I just needed to write about my porn addiction. 

I'm tired and just wanted to relax so i watched porn really late last night, almost 3 AM. I realize this addiction is bad. I didn't watch anything today. 

I just find that I'm looking for love and escape at the same time. I haven't had much time to sink in to my new apartment or escape from work a bit. I just look for the indulgence I guess. 

I have anxiety tonight but I don't want to watch porn or masturbate. It's hurting me. Tonight I'd like to try meditation.

I just wonder how much longer I can keep counting 1 to 3 days and then watching for weeks. I'm not really being fair to myself. 

I have abandonment issues because of my childhood filled with abuse and neglect. Older women have taken advantage of me sexually because of my maturity and personality. I no longer get manipulated because I am a master at reading people and figuring them out. I constantly analyze you and everyone I speak with to determine your motives. I'm not very trusting because people have hurt me so often. 

It's strange how porn makes me feel cruel and emotionless when all I want is love and affection. I watch porn because of loneliness and it just further separates me from everyone else. 

I keep saying I'm healed from the sexual abuse I recieved from former girlfriends but I'm not. Men can be sexually abused also and it's every bit as shameful for them. 

Deep down inside I'm still teeming with anger over the fact that I was manipulated and abused. I'm ashamed and embarrassed that I was taken advantage of because I view myself as extremely intelligent and tough. 

Subconsciously, I try to vindicate myself for failing to realize the manipulation by trying to read others and catch them. Once I catch them I pounce on them. By the time I catch them I know their emotional weaknesses and can fully hurt them. I don't physically hurt people. I just wait for someone I don't like, such as a family member, to hurt me emotionly and I just study them for up to months at a time until they try to hurt me again. I then have them and I belittle them perilously citing every bad thing they've done to me all while continuously bringing up their shortcomings to make it hurt more. 

This brings me pleasure at first because it isn't them I'm belittling. It's the three women who abused me who I'm belittling. But in reality I'm just hurting my mom or dad. I don't do this to friends, coworkers, people here, or anywhere else. 

Video games and social media were the last two places I anonymously belittled people. I enjoyed betraying teammates because it released my anger. I enjoyed picking fights with strangers on Facebook or YouTube. I got permanently muted on runescape on almost 7 accounts. I was banned from xbox live on one account. I would swear at people so loudly on xbox live that resident advisors in college would come knock on my door after anonymous complaints. 

It's the shame of not sticking up for myself when I was younger that makes me so quick to act. I try to identify people's weaknesses to have ammunition in an argument as soon as possible. I have road rage issues where I try to anger people driving fast or something. 

Porn suppresses my anger. I don't watch angry porn. I don't watch anything violent. I usually only watch the episodes where there is no dialogue and it's pure romance and kissing. I just hypnotize myself with an illusion of love. Once the illusion is over I'm numb for hours and can mindlessly do my work. 

I made the right moves giving up gaming and social media. I no longer instigate fights with people. I do however instigate with my mom very often and it's not fair to her. She's just become my target for the past 10 years I think. She wasn't alone in driving me insane last year. I was a major cause. 

I'm taking steps with my therapist to deal with my anger and I think it will have a major impact on my porn issue. 

I hope I did not offend anyone by writing what I wrote here today. If I did I can remove it. I just think it's so important to discuss our issues in order to recover. I've been transparent with you for almost 2 years regarding gaming addiction and I need to do the same with porn in order to quit that as well. 

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I think most people do not bother with going after someone from the get-go, at least not until they think it's the best choice. The best example could be your Xes (as is in my case), although maybe you could find some from professional life as well. Hence, I am not worried about getting hurt by someone until I let them close to me and if I let them close to me, there have to be good reasons as to why I did that in the first place. If those good reasons turn out to be wrong reasons, then it's learning experience for me.

I also love figuring people out, though not primarily to protect myself (so that when they trespass some boundary, I can think "I knew it.", because everybody will do that at some point), but to find out if I can trust them long-term with some reasonable percentage (so that when they trespass some boundary, I can give them the benefit of the doubt).

So once I "detect" a vulnerability in a person, I realize I found something that I myself had gone through and that I am familiar with. Some of it can be learnt, especially the physical signs (e.g. you read multiple times that biting fingers is a sign of nervousness/imbalance), but you can also learn it if you did it yourself, quit and then become more sensitive to such sign in others.

Regardless, it's up to you whether you will love or hate this vulnerability you have detected in others. I think it's better to love it, at least at first, before you figure out more about the person. It's why both love and hate are so intensely entwined.

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@BooksandTrees Hey man. You've given me useful advice yesterday so I feel obliged to offer you a word of advice regarding your anger.

Firstly, I also had problems with anger throughout my life, I've grown up in a highly dysfunctional family and I was exposed to, and participated in, angry shouting fights between my family members since early childhood, almost every day, until 2 years ago. So, naturally, I had a lot of anger issues. But, I got rid of most of my anger already, and I think my story can help you.

2 years ago I moved to my grandparents house for 3 months. Trigger was a fight I had with my dad, who was verbally abusive towards me ever since I entered puberty. That day he said to me: "You are worthless. You are as worthless your worthless mother". I got so angry I was shouting like a madman asking him to apologize for what he said, because my mother is far from worthless, she works just as hard as him, and is more loving person in general. Anyways, I moved out of the house immediately and begged my grandparents to accept me temporarily until I sort myself out, I had impulses to crush his head with a hammer. Over the course of the first month i was away from home, I had constant dreams of fighting, choking or killing my father (or him killing me, but that was a less occurring dream). Another month passed in a relatively similar way, and I realized that I cannot get away from him, that he is basically haunting me.

And then I got an advice that I should forgive him if I want to free myself. At first I didn't even know how would it be possible because I was so filled with hate, and on the other hand I wasn't sure what forgiveness means except the outward act of pardoning a person for his misdeeds, which means deciding not to punish him. I spent the next couple of weeks constantly thinking about forgiveness, listening to people talking about forgiveness online. And slowly I have understood what I have to do.

I realized that forgiveness means:

1) letting something be in the past,
2) accepting the reality of what happened, accepting that you cannot change it,
3) recognizing your own faults (if you have in certain ways worsened the situation, which I did with my unkind words and shouting), forgiving yourself
4) Trying to be compassionate towards people who wronged you (trying to be compassionate towards their sins in the same way you are understanding of your own. You understand that your verbal abuse stems out of being hurt in the past, and it is often the case that other peoples bad actions stem from them being hurt by other people as well, even a lot of devil psychopaths often had traumatic childhoods).
5) deciding not to focus on it anymore, but rather open yourself towards the future
6) the actual act of sincerely saying "I forgive you for EVERYTHING wrong you've done", ideally face to face to the people who wronged you, without ANY ego and feelings of superiority over them for doing it. 

I realized that forgiveness doesn't mean:

1) staying in proximity with people who wronged you. It would be better to stay away from them forever if they are abusive.
2) artificially forgetting that abuse happened (although, once you forgive you will naturally start to think about it less and less as time goes by)
3) expecting forgiveness from their side (if you can forgive only when you are forgiven, then it is not really forgiveness, that's a trade deal)
4) expecting a positive reaction (you must be ready for them to mock you, belittle you, get angry, et cetera, and you need to forgive them in advance for that as well)

When I realized this, I went first to my mothers apartment and said to her "I forgive you for everything wrong you have done to me in my entire life, either willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly, purposefully or accidentally. I really do forgive you for everything. Also, I do not come here asking for you to forgive me, nor with any ulterior motive, but I do say that I am genuinely sorry for everything wrong I have done to you." She started crying and thanked me, and we talked a bit about it further.

Tomorrow I went to my fathers house, at that point we haven't spoken for months, pulled him on the side to talk to him privately, and said the same thing I have said to my mother. He genuinely thanked me as well and hugged me sort of confused about what has happened. We didn't speak for a few moments, and then I said I'll be going my own way, we wished each other a good day and I left the house.

Long story short - It worked. I felt relived immediately, but the important thing is that as time went on I really didn't react with such anger when i remembered the past. Right now I can think about it and not get riled up about it at all. And universally speaking, i got less angry about generally every aspect of my life. i got less angry towards the state of the world as well. Not because I got blind of how bad things are, I am not. But I am just free from a lot of highly negative emotional reactions towards it. Now people cannot trigger me as easily.

 

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I think gargamel has a good point. Forgiveness might not seem like the most attractive option at first, but it could be the best thing for you in the long run. I got robbed doing a craigslist deal trying to make profit off used cell phones. I ended up jumping out of a moving car and permanently scarring my leg. There's a huge scar on my leg now still. I was resentful towards the people and just tried my best to keep my mind on other things. After reading your post it made me intentionally forgive those people for robbing me and contributing to harming my body. I do it because I know it'll bring me peace to not be angry anymore. To let it go and let it be. I think forgiveness is primarily for you to feel at peace again. Secondarily it may be to absolve that person of their sin. Good luck quitting porn too. I try to think of something other than porn to keep my mind on something else. The more I think about sex the weaker my resolve to nofap becomes so just thinking about other things when I'm triggered helps. I even think about a tree sometimes. 

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Can you play out a scenario if there is an internet blackout in your country. How would you adapt to continue coping. What healthy coping activity would come to your mind. Please work on this in a practical way. What would you actually do if there was no internet at all. 

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@Amphibian220

Here's a few I can think of:

  • Writing - Stories, poetry, what ever I think of or just want to write. 
  • Reading - If one has books on hand, read 'em. 
  • Lego Building - Good activity that can take varying amounts of time depending on the size of the model. Either create your own models or have building instructions for possibly hundreds of models downloaded before hand and you are good to go for hours. 
  • Listen to Music - Have music downloaded offline to your phone or to your computer locally and play it via a media player. 

All in all, be prepared for anything and always have offline non gaming activities on hand in case such a thing does happen. 😁

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I was sexually abused by older women as well, I'm a gay woman though. But it's absolutely true that men can be and are sexually abused, and I hate that people try to ignore that. I have had many male friends who have been sexually abused. I am glad that you are taking steps to combat your porn addiction!

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On 6/17/2020 at 4:21 AM, gargamel said:

@BooksandTrees Hey man. You've given me useful advice yesterday so I feel obliged to offer you a word of advice regarding your anger.

Firstly, I also had problems with anger throughout my life, I've grown up in a highly dysfunctional family and I was exposed to, and participated in, angry shouting fights between my family members since early childhood, almost every day, until 2 years ago. So, naturally, I had a lot of anger issues. But, I got rid of most of my anger already, and I think my story can help you.

2 years ago I moved to my grandparents house for 3 months. Trigger was a fight I had with my dad, who was verbally abusive towards me ever since I entered puberty. That day he said to me: "You are worthless. You are as worthless your worthless mother". I got so angry I was shouting like a madman asking him to apologize for what he said, because my mother is far from worthless, she works just as hard as him, and is more loving person in general. Anyways, I moved out of the house immediately and begged my grandparents to accept me temporarily until I sort myself out, I had impulses to crush his head with a hammer. Over the course of the first month i was away from home, I had constant dreams of fighting, choking or killing my father (or him killing me, but that was a less occurring dream). Another month passed in a relatively similar way, and I realized that I cannot get away from him, that he is basically haunting me.

And then I got an advice that I should forgive him if I want to free myself. At first I didn't even know how would it be possible because I was so filled with hate, and on the other hand I wasn't sure what forgiveness means except the outward act of pardoning a person for his misdeeds, which means deciding not to punish him. I spent the next couple of weeks constantly thinking about forgiveness, listening to people talking about forgiveness online. And slowly I have understood what I have to do.

I realized that forgiveness means:

1) letting something be in the past,
2) accepting the reality of what happened, accepting that you cannot change it,
3) recognizing your own faults (if you have in certain ways worsened the situation, which I did with my unkind words and shouting), forgiving yourself
4) Trying to be compassionate towards people who wronged you (trying to be compassionate towards their sins in the same way you are understanding of your own. You understand that your verbal abuse stems out of being hurt in the past, and it is often the case that other peoples bad actions stem from them being hurt by other people as well, even a lot of devil psychopaths often had traumatic childhoods).
5) deciding not to focus on it anymore, but rather open yourself towards the future
6) the actual act of sincerely saying "I forgive you for EVERYTHING wrong you've done", ideally face to face to the people who wronged you, without ANY ego and feelings of superiority over them for doing it. 

I realized that forgiveness doesn't mean:

1) staying in proximity with people who wronged you. It would be better to stay away from them forever if they are abusive.
2) artificially forgetting that abuse happened (although, once you forgive you will naturally start to think about it less and less as time goes by)
3) expecting forgiveness from their side (if you can forgive only when you are forgiven, then it is not really forgiveness, that's a trade deal)
4) expecting a positive reaction (you must be ready for them to mock you, belittle you, get angry, et cetera, and you need to forgive them in advance for that as well)

When I realized this, I went first to my mothers apartment and said to her "I forgive you for everything wrong you have done to me in my entire life, either willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly, purposefully or accidentally. I really do forgive you for everything. Also, I do not come here asking for you to forgive me, nor with any ulterior motive, but I do say that I am genuinely sorry for everything wrong I have done to you." She started crying and thanked me, and we talked a bit about it further.

Tomorrow I went to my fathers house, at that point we haven't spoken for months, pulled him on the side to talk to him privately, and said the same thing I have said to my mother. He genuinely thanked me as well and hugged me sort of confused about what has happened. We didn't speak for a few moments, and then I said I'll be going my own way, we wished each other a good day and I left the house.

Long story short - It worked. I felt relived immediately, but the important thing is that as time went on I really didn't react with such anger when i remembered the past. Right now I can think about it and not get riled up about it at all. And universally speaking, i got less angry about generally every aspect of my life. i got less angry towards the state of the world as well. Not because I got blind of how bad things are, I am not. But I am just free from a lot of highly negative emotional reactions towards it. Now people cannot trigger me as easily.

 

I connect with this very well and agree. I did the same thing with my father. I wrote on here last year about how I spoke to my dad for the first time in 8 years. It was difficult, but forgiving him released a lot of anger. I just want to stop drowning my emotions and learn to deal with anger better. Thanks for your perspective and I share the same feelings. 

I cannot face the people who wronged me as two of the women are in jail and I don't want to be in a situation with interacting with them. But I hear you.

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On 6/17/2020 at 2:50 AM, Ikar said:

I think most people do not bother with going after someone from the get-go, at least not until they think it's the best choice. The best example could be your Xes (as is in my case), although maybe you could find some from professional life as well. Hence, I am not worried about getting hurt by someone until I let them close to me and if I let them close to me, there have to be good reasons as to why I did that in the first place. If those good reasons turn out to be wrong reasons, then it's learning experience for me.

I also love figuring people out, though not primarily to protect myself (so that when they trespass some boundary, I can think "I knew it.", because everybody will do that at some point), but to find out if I can trust them long-term with some reasonable percentage (so that when they trespass some boundary, I can give them the benefit of the doubt).

So once I "detect" a vulnerability in a person, I realize I found something that I myself had gone through and that I am familiar with. Some of it can be learnt, especially the physical signs (e.g. you read multiple times that biting fingers is a sign of nervousness/imbalance), but you can also learn it if you did it yourself, quit and then become more sensitive to such sign in others.

Regardless, it's up to you whether you will love or hate this vulnerability you have detected in others. I think it's better to love it, at least at first, before you figure out more about the person. It's why both love and hate are so intensely entwined.

I strongly agree. I think being able to read people has turned me into an excellent person in my opinion. I can be very impactful at work, on this website helping others, helping friends and family, understanding myself, and reading situations. I just know why I do it and it's tough turning that into a positive sometimes when you know it came from something bad. It's kind of like how some medicines and surgeries came from torturing others in previous wars.

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On 6/17/2020 at 5:40 PM, Amphibian220 said:

Can you play out a scenario if there is an internet blackout in your country. How would you adapt to continue coping. What healthy coping activity would come to your mind. Please work on this in a practical way. What would you actually do if there was no internet at all. 

 

On 6/17/2020 at 9:35 PM, amchow said:

Here's a few I can think of:

  • Writing - Stories, poetry, what ever I think of or just want to write. 
  • Reading - If one has books on hand, read 'em. 
  • Lego Building - Good activity that can take varying amounts of time depending on the size of the model. Either create your own models or have building instructions for possibly hundreds of models downloaded before hand and you are good to go for hours. 
  • Listen to Music - Have music downloaded offline to your phone or to your computer locally and play it via a media player. 

All in all, be prepared for anything and always have offline non gaming activities on hand in case such a thing does happen. 😁

I think I'd feel relieved, but also worried that I'd become a real life sex addict or something. But I don't know. I enjoy legos and listening to music I must say and music happens to be my big stress relief. I miss legos. I am stellar at building obviously since I'm a structural engineer and have built with them since I was 3. I just don't bring them to my new apartments because I have 8 giant 10 gallon boxes of legos. i don't want to pack and move those. Once I buy a house I'll do it.

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7 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

I was sexually abused by older women as well, I'm a gay woman though. But it's absolutely true that men can be and are sexually abused, and I hate that people try to ignore that. I have had many male friends who have been sexually abused. I am glad that you are taking steps to combat your porn addiction!

Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry it happened to you as well. It's so terrible being a victim. I became filled with hatred and anger out of fear of becoming a victim and desire to protect myself. It's easier to hurt others than to be hurt by another in my opinion. It's made me avoid dating and relationships for over 10 years now. I've been single and haven't had a sexual relationship since fall of 2010 because of it. It stinks because I'm good looking, very sociable, great job, hobbies, etc. I get lots of attention and I avoid it. That actually leads some women to becoming desperate and trying to throw themselves at me in a sexual way to pull sort of a hail mary to date me once I don't respond to traditional flirting. This actually proves terrible because I get afraid of them trying to use me for sexual favors only. I lose trust in them and just think they're gonna use me and manipulate me again. So I close them out of my life extremely fast.

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This week has gotten better. I have almost stopped shaking and becoming dizzy. It happens when I'm stressed. I've been meditating each night before bed using the insight timer app. It's great so far. I got stressed today a few times and really wanted to watch porn, but I didn't.

I want to reach a point where I don't need porn for stress. I instead took a break from the computer, took a nap, walked, etc. I had a more productive day as a result. I think I'm slowly getting better, but who knows.

I also still want to masturbate without watching porn and I just think that will lead me back to porn right now. I don't really know what to think. I've also been falling asleep earlier each night and waking up earlier. 

Thanks everyone for their responses to my above statement. I've got to remember that statement for when I feel like relapsing. sometimes I get so fascinated with porn and intimacy that I am just drawn to it. I do wish I had some love right now, but porn isn't love. I can quit this. I'm not a porn watcher. I'll stick to that.

I mentioned weeks ago how going to bed earlier, waking up earlier, eating consistently, and having planned activities and relaxation time helped cut porn cravings. I haven't done this in months. So let's get back into it.

Today I'm grateful for work, my apartment, my coworkers, my friends, and my family as well as the community here.

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On 6/17/2020 at 1:48 PM, Erik2.0 said:

I think gargamel has a good point. Forgiveness might not seem like the most attractive option at first, but it could be the best thing for you in the long run. I got robbed doing a craigslist deal trying to make profit off used cell phones. I ended up jumping out of a moving car and permanently scarring my leg. There's a huge scar on my leg now still. I was resentful towards the people and just tried my best to keep my mind on other things. After reading your post it made me intentionally forgive those people for robbing me and contributing to harming my body. I do it because I know it'll bring me peace to not be angry anymore. To let it go and let it be. I think forgiveness is primarily for you to feel at peace again. Secondarily it may be to absolve that person of their sin. Good luck quitting porn too. I try to think of something other than porn to keep my mind on something else. The more I think about sex the weaker my resolve to nofap becomes so just thinking about other things when I'm triggered helps. I even think about a tree sometimes. 

That's insane. I'm glad you're ok. My friend did that on craigslist as well and met lots of scary people. I think meditation has helped me in the past few days although I fall asleep during it each time. lol

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Definitely feeling porn cravings today. I feel stressed, but also bored with a certain task. It's like I'm anticipating watching tonight or something. I gotta stay strong, but also not think about it. 

Something a lot of people mess up is not letting go of the craving. Eventually the urge dies away. 

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15 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

That's insane. I'm glad you're ok. My friend did that on craigslist as well and met lots of scary people. I think meditation has helped me in the past few days although I fall asleep during it each time. lol

Are you holding your back straight? It's harder to fall asleep when you have a proper posture. I'm glad you are meditating! Keep it up!

3 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

Definitely feeling porn cravings today. I feel stressed, but also bored with a certain task. It's like I'm anticipating watching tonight or something. I gotta stay strong, but also not think about it. 

Something a lot of people mess up is not letting go of the craving. Eventually the urge dies away. 

Stay strong man. Personally, I feel so much manlier now that I let go of porn. Maybe I am not sexually satisfied, but at least I don't pretend to be by artificially tricking my brain with porn. Also, if I can't control my urges... how can I ever have real self-confidence? I know that it is tempting to indulge, but there is a higher way! Join me on this higher path, it is worth it. Sending a lot of love your way man.

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59 minutes ago, gargamel said:

Are you holding your back straight? It's harder to fall asleep when you have a proper posture. I'm glad you are meditating! Keep it up!

Stay strong man. Personally, I feel so much manlier now that I let go of porn. Maybe I am not sexually satisfied, but at least I don't pretend to be by artificially tricking my brain with porn. Also, if I can't control my urges... how can I ever have real self-confidence? I know that it is tempting to indulge, but there is a higher way! Join me on this higher path, it is worth it. Sending a lot of love your way man.

Thanks man. Yeah,  I'm just doing the meditation to fall asleep. My mind drifts between thoughts and I get anxiety about death and then watch porn to take my mind of it. This puts me right to sleep. 

I'm trying. I'm afraid to even get back to masturbation or anything and just want to make sure I'm handling stress properly first.

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I think that men instinctively find SOs based on values that they acquire in their teens. Right now you have a fear of a new relationship with a potentially abusive SO. I think that the fear is reinforced and programmed by watching indecent stuff.

What can be the activity that will reinforce the belief that your SO will be a nice caring person? 

 

 

 

 

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26 minutes ago, Amphibian220 said:

I think that men instinctively find SOs based on values that they acquire in their teens. Right now you have a fear of a new relationship with a potentially abusive SO. I think that the fear is reinforced and programmed by watching indecent stuff.

What can be the activity that will reinforce the belief that your SO will be a nice caring person? 

 

 

 

 

Having her ask me questions about me, taking interest in me, wanting to share things abouther life and not just solve her problems, want to have me spend time with her not for sex like going on a trail or doing art or cooking etc. Having her tell me that I'm important. Wanting to hug and hold my hands and have physical engagement before sex, doing thoughtful things for me without me asking, communicating with me when I want as well as when she wants and not just when she wants because I'll suspect I'm being used for her benefit. Talking about herself is important. I get pissed off talking to people who don't share their lives as well. They ask me how I'm doing and then don't respond or talk about themselves and change subject. Just seems like they're on a mission for something. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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17 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

That's insane. I'm glad you're ok. My friend did that on craigslist as well and met lots of scary people. I think meditation has helped me in the past few days although I fall asleep during it each time. lol

That's funny. Yeah that was an ill advised practice from one of my old friends. Won't be doing that anymore. I'm glad meditation is helping you. I'm going to get serious about finishing 20 minutes a day. 10 minutes isn't cutting the mustard lately. I need to calm down and get present. 

47 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

Thanks man. Yeah,  I'm just doing the meditation to fall asleep. My mind drifts between thoughts and I get anxiety about death and then watch porn to take my mind of it. This puts me right to sleep. 

I'm trying. I'm afraid to even get back to masturbation or anything and just want to make sure I'm handling stress properly first.

There's a Buddhist practice of meditating on your own death. Visualizing yourself dying and decomposing. Becoming one with the earth again. They reserve it for people who are at least 18 because it can be disturbing. Hope that helps.

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35 minutes ago, Erik2.0 said:

That's funny. Yeah that was an ill advised practice from one of my old friends. Won't be doing that anymore. I'm glad meditation is helping you. I'm going to get serious about finishing 20 minutes a day. 10 minutes isn't cutting the mustard lately. I need to calm down and get present. 

There's a Buddhist practice of meditating on your own death. Visualizing yourself dying and decomposing. Becoming one with the earth again. They reserve it for people who are at least 18 because it can be disturbing. Hope that helps.

I don't think I want to do that lol. It is what currently gives me anxiety. 

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