SuperSaiyanGod 261 Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 This is what I wrote between 9 and noon.Working. I am now sitting in an exam room as an invigilator. I only have one candidate in the room. The stressful part was talking to the wole group od 9 people. But now I only have one person until the end of the work day, so it's not stressful at all, considering how I have every instruction written down and I basically just read them out loug. I was very happy to get this opportunity, as this is only the second day of work I have ever done (except for private lessons). I'm mostly doing this for the experience and only a little bit for the money. My self-esteem has been suffering for the last cocuple of years, because I'm still relianat on my parents' support at 23. I want to get accustomed to working and get comfortable with the idea, so that I can later go to a more serious, more responsible job.Sleeping habits. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning and got up immediately. It feels so awesome, I think that's the ninth day in a row where I didn't have any trouble getting up at the planned hour (7am, today was an exception). I didn't even have a problem on Monday, avter the very hard relapse on Sunday. Perhaps this is because I go to sleep at the right hours - I usually plan to go to bed around 10pm, and rarely go after 11pm; I only do if I have something important to do. However, about half the time (a bit less maybe) I can't fall asleep immediately, and sometimes fall asleep between 2am and 3am. This probably has something to do with taking a nap during the day. I should either hide my sheets and pillows for the day, never enter the bed during the day, or not be home between noon and five.Relapse analysis. I relapsed very hard on Sunday but I didn't go on a binge. Why is that? I can think of several reasons:I have too much to do to relapse again. Even on Sunday evening I didn't have time to do it again, because I had to prepare for Monday. Yesterday I didn't even have time to ride the bike, and I really wanted to.I now have tools that help me deal with all of this. I know the triggers and I know I have to avoid them, so I just do. I have activities that I can do to regulate my mood. Didn't work for the relase though.I have commitment and I really want to abstain. It was simply that my choices weren't thought-out enough. Next time, if I make the right choices (like don't take a nap, leave the apartment, take a cold shower r go biking instead of panicking), it's going to be okay. Honestly, I have no idea why I forgot about taking a cold shower.Maybe I think more positively. I don't think in the depressing terms of the 12-step groups, like that I'm an incurable addict forever*, that I can never do it without the help of a "higher power", that I'm powerless to resist, that I'll always be dependent on a group of people who keep thinking these things. I won't tell them any of this, because that might make it harder for them.Maybe I remember that life feels just so damn good when I abstain. Maybe I didn't forget it lake that last time.On procrastination. I have so many tiny little things to do. I could do them all in fifteen minutes, but I haven't gotten to it yet. I should do them today. But I really wanna go biking in the evening.Today I should stay outside of my apartment, because I'm getting sleepy. I have to obtain some notes for developmental. I should also study them. I'm going to a workshop as a participant towards the evening; it should keep me occupied, not asleep, and totally regulated. The bigger things are appealing. The smaller ones not so much.On the reason. I should thing of the reason to believe in, but I'm feeling very sleepy. I don't know how I'm going to survive the day. Here's the plan: I'm gonna go home after the exam to change and eat something. I'm not gonna lie down. Then I'll go to college and do the little things. And then I'll go to the workshop, eat something, and bike if I have the time (I won't neither for biking nor for eating).What is the reason to believe in? It's supposed tob e a set of reasons for which I'm trying to change my life. A set of reasons for which I'm abstaining from porn. A ser of reasons that are deeply important to me, that I adamantly believe in, and that are the fundamental basis for my change. They are supposed to resonate with me so much, that I won't ever be able to give up again. *Though I understand that I'll never be able to watch porn or play games in moderation; but that's totally not a problem for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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