It's been almost an entire year since I made my first attempt at a Video Game and Related Media (VGRM) detox.
Looking back through that journal, I was reminded of the ups and downs I had trying to quit. I relapsed multiple times, but I eventually managed to break my addiction to video games and watching gameplay. I stayed VGRM free for 149 days, from mid April to mid September!!
Last summer, I worked at an outdoor retailer and made tons of new friends while getting outside rock climbing and hiking. It renewed my confidence in my ability to be sociable and active. I even met an amazing girl who I'm currently dating! I reconnected with my old hobbies even while I struggled with the pain of a herniated disc injury which I sustained in April.
Come September, I was determined to make the school year my best yet, in terms of focus and proactive studying. I'm expecting to graduate this April and I wanted to go out feeling proud of myself. I've been in school for almost 6 years now, and I wanted my results this term to demonstrate my increased maturity. I also wanted to make the most of being a student for my last year, because of all the perks!
However, with the stress and seclusion that comes with studying, I slipped back into my old ways. I think I also felt that because I had done so well all summer, I could handle VGRM in moderation. I was wrong.
I downloaded League of Legends again and made a new account. I resubscribed to my favourite LoL youtubers.
I started to become worried about my grades, as I was enrolled in a course that I had withdrawn from twice already in previous years. To combat my lack of self-discipline, I purchased medicinal "study aids". I managed to pass all my courses, but my relationship with my girlfriend suffered. My physical health suffered too, as I would often only eat two meals a day and rarely exercised. I evenstarted using the study aids to stimulate me while playing LoL!
When I returned home for Christmas break, I was able to see how shitty my life had been the past few months. I started up school again in January feeling fresh and determined to be healthier and have better habits. But I was still playing League of Legends, so you can imagine how that turned out.
So here I am, with only two months left until I finish school. My dreams for habits, health, and grades this year have been overshadowed by the power that video games have over me.
I hate how I hide my screen from people when I'm watching gameplays in public, too embarrassed to let people see what I'm doing.
I hate that I have youtube running all the time I'm at home - in the bathroom, in the kitchen, in bed.
I hate that I stay up 3 hours past when I needed to go to sleep because I'm too excited to try out a new build in LoL.
I hate that I lie to my girlfriend when she asks what I've been up to all week, and why I don't have more time to spend with her.
I hate that I'm skipping classes to play video games, during my last year of university, at the age of 24.
I hate that I feel so ashamed of myself constantly, and that the shame makes me lash out at my friends and family.
I hate that I can have great intentions for the day, but as soon as I start watching gameplays, my brain turns off and I can barely move.
I hate that I'm going to be under a mountain of student loans in a few months, but I'm avoiding taking steps to deal with it because I'd rather escape from reality and play games.
I hate that my herniated disc isn't getting any better, and I'm probably making it worse by sitting for hours on end and avoiding exercise, because I'd rather escape my pain with video games.
I hate that I don't have anything to talk about with my friends, because I spend all my free time watching and playing video games.
I hate that I'm getting even skinnier because I forget to eat when I'm caught up in a video game high.
I hate that I'm abusing prescription drugs to further my addiction to video games
I hate that my debt is growing even larger because I eat out all the time. I don't have any time to go grocery shopping because, yes you guessed it, I'm totally engrossed by video games.
I hate that I feel like I'm becoming a single dimensional individual, spending much of my free time searching for a quiet place to sit down and consume some VGRM.
I'm committing to posting in this journal daily once again. I'm going to track my VGRM habits on my phone again. I'm going to surpass my 149 day record. LETS GOOOOO!!!